Deathstroke #3

So much blood! This issue must be super exciting!

When this series began, Deathstroke's kill count was at 600, give or take a few. Last issue, Deathstroke killed 300 men in one battle. So he's at least up to 900 kills. I'll give him another 30 for issue one even though that's a complete guess. Does that sound about right? So let's keep a Deathstroke kill count going!

Current Deathstroke Killcount: 930

This issue begins with Slade wandering through the snow with no grey hair and two eyes. It's hardly even the same character! Especially the way he stumbles and falls over from exhaustion. Slade can't be defeated by snow! What the hell is wrong with this comic book? I bet Tony S. Daniel is just preparing for a double splash page! Because you know how artists make the big money, right? By selling their original art of double splash pages! Fuck how well it fits into the story, man. Tony S. Daniel has bills to pay!

He could have at least fallen down so I could read the credits.

As he lies unconscious in the snow, he remembers his conversation with Joey when he found him in a force field being manipulated by Odysseus. I get why Joey calls his father Slade but I don't know why Deathstroke keeps thinking of Joey as Jericho. Or boy! Disrespectful!

Slade mentions Rose and I pretend not to flip the fuck out over the convoluted past history of Deathstroke and how in all of the different versions of Slade's New 52 life, only the Team 7 version treated Slade's family as if all three children knew each other. So I guess we're going with that version even though it made no sense at the time as Rose and Joey and Grant all reminisced about eating sandwiches together. Or something.

Hell, I don't think this even squares up with Deathstroke's Villains Month issue and that was just over a year ago.

Slade doesn't remember if he eventually freed Joey...er, I mean, Jericho or not. So Slade picks himself up out of the snow after the nice rest and remembrance to continue heading toward his super duper secret safehouse! It must still be full of weapons and Hot Pockets because even Slade Wilson himself almost died trying to find it! No way Odysseus got to this one!

But maybe Opossum did because he was way more powerful than Deathstroke.

No wait! Tony S Daniel decided Slade needed to have more memories after one more page of walking! He remembers saving his naked son and fighting through more of those Eye People.

Current Deathstroke Killcount: 934

I had to add them to the killcount because he only just remembered them.

While escaping, Joey is forced to use his powers against the scientists trying to restrain him.

Gross! He's naked!

Deathstroke teaches Joey Jericho an important lesson that all fathers should teach their children: "Sometimes we have to do bad things for good reason." Yes, yes! Exactly! Also, I sometimes do good things for bad reasons. Both are generally viable solutions to life's problems.

Joey Jericho and Slade discover Odysseus who is also naked. A lot of naked shit goes down in Deathstroke's memories! Odysseus claims that the three of them together make the most powerful power ever. But before they get the power flowing, does Slade have to get naked as well?

Apparently Odysseus is Deathstroke's father. I guess he died and was reborn with Joey Jericho's help since the last time we saw Slade's dad which was in a hospital bed in Gary, Indiana in Deathstroke #8. Slade hates his father because his father once sold him to pay off a ten thousand dollar debt. There were other reasons he hated him too but that one kind of stands out. Deathstroke has a short conversation with his father before getting in the final word.

Current Deathstroke Killcount: 935

This family really has some serious trust issues.

That's the end of Slade's memory. He makes it to his safehouse and thinks about how he hasn't seen his father since he was twelve. Lies! I read Deathstroke #8 and Slade most certainly saw his father! It's the entire reason Slade Wilson does what he does! To prove his father wrong! It's a stupid reason but it was right there in Deathstroke #8! DC Comics, you suck at reboots. I mean, you're pretty good at rebooting over and over again. But how could you fuck up Deathstroke and his history so badly in the space of three years? Fucking imbeciles. And did you even ask Tony S. Daniel to familiarize himself with the past Deathstroke book? I assume you didn't since why should a writer base anything he's writing on what has actually happened to the character. It's not like the main reason people love comic books is the long history of the characters! Oh wait, you already killed that long history when you began The New 52 anyway. So I guess dumping Deathstroke's history three or four more times since then shouldn't be such a big deal.

But has Tony S. Daniel ever read any story with Deathstroke?! I don't think he knows that Jericho's actual name is Joseph!

The only reason Slade wandered so far out in the snow is to get a hidden satellite phone. But somebody beat him to it! The guy who he trusted completely right up until Red Fury said, "Are you sure you can trust him completely?" And then Slade was all, "You're right! Ew! I hate that guy!" That guy is Bronze Tiger! And they wind up fighting! At least Bronze Tiger doesn't have the head of a tiger like in Red Hood and the Outlaws. That's greeeeeaaaaat!

What does that mean? "Too good for your own sake"? Does it mean he's going to beat himself?! That's pretty good!

Red Fury shows up to put an end to the fight...for now! I don't know where he came from but a VTOL follows after him, so they all load up and head to some cozy chalet to make plans against Odysseus. Who I guess isn't dead even though Slade shot him in the eye. Unless that wasn't Odysseus. It also might not have been his father. Also, Joey Jericho may have been Odysseus.

What makes Red Fury think Jericho is the only one that can kill Odysseus? Doesn't anybody want to see the scientific reasons for this theory? Or are they just going to try again and hope this assumption holds true? I remember earlier this issue when Deathstroke said he doesn't hope!

Red Fury has learned that Joey Jericho is headed to Gotham City. So now it's time for Slade to go battle The Batman! Again! Remember the time they fought early on in The New 52? Of course you don't! Let me remind you: it was a dark and stormy night. Two-Face had just declared that he was One-Face. Some hot piece of ass calling herself The White Rabbit was thonging it up all over Gotham. Batman was flying his Batplane over Gotham Bay when Deathstroke, completely fucked up on Venom for no reason at all, drops out of the sky and onto the Batplane! Holy shitballs, Batman! What a crazy day! They fought then they fell out of the sky then Deathstroke quietly disappeared from Batman's life. Although on revisiting the story, I think maybe The White Rabbit teleported Deathstroke onto the Batplane with her finger guns. That still doesn't explain what Deathstroke was doing there and on Venom.

Anyway, I think Batman is probably too busy to deal with Deathstroke. So somebody else is waiting for him in Gotham.

Oh look! It's a fifteen year old dressed as Harley Quinn. How adorable!

Deathstroke #3 Rating: No change. There are so many things I don't like about this comic book but I can't really fault it too much on starting Deathstroke's history over. I can fault Daniel for the lousy plot but it's really not much worse than most average comic book plots. Maybe it's better but I can't see that it's better because of all that messed up stuff about not having seen his dad even though he did see his dad recently. And why doesn't Slade call his son Joey? Even when he thinks about him, he thinks of him as Jericho. And I hate that they youthed Slade up! Well, at least Daniel's art is nice to look at. It pains me to say that because I tend to concentrate on his flaws and weak points. I suppose if you're new to Deathstroke in The New 52, and you're one of those people that always thought when reading Deathstroke, "This would be more enjoyable if he weren't an old fucking man!", then you'll probably enjoy this comic book a lot. People die and shit, so that's cool, right?

Deathstroke #18

I wish Deathstroke would pull out the glue and fix his title already.

Last issue of Deathstroke ended with Tomo, the guy that wanted to kill Deathstroke, killing Tomo's father, the guy that had no clue what was going on. I believe Tomo was trying to get Deathstroke to kill Tomo's father for him but his plan was stupid from the beginning. I was going to call it something else but I lost the word before I could type it. And since my vocabulary is chock full of synonyms, I decided to go with "stupid". That doesn't cover what I wanted to say but I'll go crazy trying to pull out the word I wanted at this point. The problem is before I could type the word I wanted, I thought about maybe using "hackneyed" except that wasn't even close to what I wanted to describe. But "hackneyed" did manage to drive the other word straight out of my brain and into the aether. Fuck you, getting old!

I've actually had that problem my whole life though. I'm really bad at remembering names and often give up immediately and just say something like, "Remember when we went to dinner with what's-her-name?" But other words I lose all the time. I know the word I want but I can't bring it forth. Often I can find it via Google because I can see it partially, so I can drop one letter at a time in the search bar and sometimes the word pops up. I did that with consummate a few commentaries ago. Knew that's the word I wanted. Could define it in my head and I could hear it starting but couldn't pull the rest of it out. Other times I can get to the word by circumlocution. As I use other words to define and explain the word I'm looking for, I'll eventually spiral down to the word I want and it pops up as if I had never lost it.

Maybe I have brain damage! I wonder if I can blame my sister for all the times she hit me in the head?

Oh! The word I wanted was convoluted. I wonder if I have a problem with "con" words?! No, I wanted to say "attrition" one time while walking back from a coffee shop with my girlfriend but couldn't access it. Although at the time, I thought I wanted a "con" word! Sometimes my brain tricks me because it is stupid.

Anyway, Tomo's plan failed and he ended up having to kill his own father while Deathstroke watched. I mentioned how many stories in Deathstroke deal with father issues and this issue begins with Deathstroke making a similar observation.

Actually, you should be sorry for stabbing him through the chest.

Tomo continues spouting his new age Japanese business philosophy that is actually very old school: killing, killing, and more killing! While he's lecturing anybody that still has at least one ear, Tomo's father is completing his final transaction.

That old man just wasted a dollar.

I'm pretty sure Deathstroke wouldn't have been too offended to kill Tomo for free at this point. But since the old man was Japanese, he had to save face all around and offer Deathstroke the dollar. Otherwise Deathstroke would have been offended and everybody would have been embarrassed and more bowing and apologizing than killing would take place. And nobody buys a Deathstroke comic book to see a bunch of embarrassed Japanese ninjas shame-faced and sorry.

Deathstroke shoots Tomo. It doesn't hurt him though because Tomo upgraded himself. He tears off his shirt in a very sexy and dramatic scene to show off his huge implants. They're actually pretty disgusting. So now Deathstroke has to kill a cybernetic ninja and 9,999 normal ninjas. And all for just one buck!

Now I guess the rest of the comic book will be a gigantic ninja battle!

Who is Stroger? I think Deathstroke may have already fried a few of Tomo's memory capacitors.

Deathstroke reminds the 9,999 ninjas (or however many are left) that Jenner Collins' will stipulated that the person that killed him be killed by their clan. 9,999 ninjas go, "Oh yeah! Duh!", and one of them says, "Jinx!", and then they all attack Tomo instead of Deathstroke. Honor is a sucker's game!

Oh wait! Deathstroke has something to say about Honor as he fights Tomo on the side of a skyscraper!

Why is there a "but" in there? Those all sound like problems with honor! Like I said: a sucker's game!

Deathstroke plummets to the ground with Tomo. He survives by landing on Tomo and then doing a stuntman roll. His healing powers and extra strength probably help him survive as well. But before Tomo dies, he whispers, "Lynch lied." And since Lynch is Captain Sideburns, the leader of Team 7 who is supposedly dead at this point in time, Deathstroke decides he's probably earned a free, non-offensive kill. Besides, you can't kill a man that's already dead! So it can't be offensive to not kill him for free, right?

Deathstroke #18 Rating: No change. This issue was like a bite-sized snack if the snack didn't taste like anything and cost $2.99.

Team 7 #5

Here we go again! Got a problem? Shoot it in the face! Problem solved!

Spartan has a couple of pouches on his belt, so I'm guessing he's from the Wildstorm Universe. I'm also guessing that the guy with the pouches on his belt is Spartan! I don't know who the red head is. Maybe it's Barbara Gordon's mother? Whoever it is, my guess is she's part of Team 7's second mission!

The issue begins by informing the reader that the location of the story is The Pacific and the time it takes place is Now. But what does it mean by now? Does that mean concurrent with the other New 52 stories that came out this week? Or does that mean five or more years ago when Team 7 began? These out of time stories are confusing. Since the next page shows Deathstroke infiltrating the ship flying over the Pacific, my guess is that this story actually takes place now. Problem solved and I didn't have to shoot it in the face!

Deathstroke shoots a bunch of problems and then encounters John Lynch who decides they should talk about the past! But the flashback sequence doesn't have either of them in it, so I don't know why they're reminiscing about it. Perhaps it's because Caitlin Fairchild as a teenager is in it and she's working on cybernetics for Team 7. Perhaps they both had illegal crushes on her. Unless she was eighteen. I bet she was eighteen since five years later she'd be twenty three and that seems about the right age for the young Ravagers to think of her as an old person.

Also in their flashback is Dr. Henshaw working on some guy they call Spartan. He seems to be a robot but I don't know where he came from. They don't seem to completely understand how he works, so I don't think they created him. And everybody keeps dropping Dr. Stone's name as well. Maybe Spartan is a Cyborg prototype.

Slade and Alex Fairchild have a bit of an intimate chat over beer. Nobody gets shot. Then Black Canary confronts John Lynch about what the fuck he means to do with Team 7 besides get them killed.

This is his answer. Stop jerks from using kids that can mutilate other kids as weapons.

So John Lynch began Team 7 because he was afraid of people with super powers. No wait! That's not true! He began Team 1 because he was afraid of people with super powers! But I guess everyone in Team 1 died just like Black Canary is afraid is going to happen to her and her teammates. She has a right to be worried though, right?! They are Team 7! Lynch has managed to kill six other whole teams! But what Black Canary is really worried about is that Lynch has begun experimenting on the members of Team 7 in Project Majestic. He's changing them and giving them super powers so that they can effectively combat super powered threats. That's probably a good idea seeing as how they only had bullets on their first mission and those weren't very effective.

The last part of their memory was about Caitlin Fairchild walking in on the cybernetic lab to find that it was changing everyone into cyborgs. Or Spartan was changing everyone into cyborgs. Something was changing everything into cyborgs, anyway! Since the cover declares Spartan was attacking, my guess is he's the one changing everybody.

And then it's back to the present where Deathstroke tries to solve his John Lynch problem the only way members of Team 7 know how! Remember? We've been over this a few times already!

Did Caitlin die? Is the current Caitlin Fairchild a clone? Is that what the Gen 13 project was all about? Clones? Seriously. I don't know! I never read Gen 13!

Whatever happened long ago, whatever possibly killed Caitlin, also killed an entire country, according to Lynch. I don't know what country. Probably Markovia or some other made up DC country. But whatever did it (Spartan, probably!), it's coming back and Lynch needs Deathstroke to help stop it. So I guess next issue will tackle Slade killing it in the present and Team 7 getting their asses kicked by it in the past.

Team 7 #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. I just found this entire issue rather boring. I think I lost interest in Team 7 three issues ago!