Batman Loves Superman #15

Felix Faust did this trick years ago, Satan's Anus.

My moods shift too quickly! I had something gnawing at my brain that I wanted to rant about and then I got distracted by something that I can't even remember distracted me now and I can't remember what I wanted to spew venom at! Also, I'm not mad at anything because I forgot what I wanted to be mad at! It was probably Greg Pak and his stupid Satan's Anus character. Sure, sure. I know he didn't invent Satan's Anus. I think Dante invented that. But Pak didn't invent the character either. He just changed some letters in his name and then set him up in a hole orbiting Earth.

It's also possible I never actually had anything in mind to rant about and I'm just wasting time so I don't have to read this stupid story. I should be more like that character in Memento. I can tattoo my body with "facts" and write other "facts" on Polaroids so that I can constantly manipulate myself into being entertaining. I can just glance at my body and scream, "OH YEAH! FUCKING JOURNALISTS! FUCK THEM RIGHT IN THEIR ASS FACES!"

Jesus Christ. Who knew ears could grow so much of their own hair?! Fucking aging is bullshit.

Here's a picture of Judas hanging out with me because I'm still avoiding reading Batman Loves Superman #15.

This issue begins, just like that last couple, with Satan's Anus having a discussion with Caillou the Chaosbringer. They're playing a trick on Batman and Superman by taking away their memories so that, hopefully, Lois Lane will fuck Batman and Superman will fuck Catwoman.

What kind of a shitty chaos bringer follows rules?!

"All they have to do is want to remember"? That's bullshit, Caillou, and you know it! So Bruce approaching Alfred and asking him how to remember to be Batman again so he can save lives doesn't qualify for wanting to remember? And Superman asking the Toyman for answers to who Superman is supposed to be isn't either? Well, okay. I buy that one. Why ask Toyman?! What the fuck does that asshole know? Although Superman has lost his memory, so why shouldn't he believe just anybody in the DC Universe can tell him who he is?

I think Batman has already remembered but he's just using his amnesia to try to get into Lois Lane's underwear.

He probably doesn't even care about fucking her. He just wants to be able to lord it over Clark Kent.

Batman dresses up Lois Lane in a Batgirl outfit which proves that he definitely still hasn't recovered his memory because if they fuck while she's wearing that, things are going to get weird.

So is this the main reason Greg Pak wrote this story? So Bruce and Lois can fuck while Selina and Clark superfuck? I'm fairly certain this story exists in about five thousand other places online. How come Greg Pak is being paid to write awful fan fiction? I expect middling to decent fan fiction when I read professionally published comic books!

Meanwhile Superman and Catwoman and the Gotham SWAT Team are running around Gotham blowing up robots. Superman doesn't want to remember who he is because he was a pathetic loser before now. Now, he's a guy running around without a shirt watching cops beat the shit out of bad guys. Or possible bad guys. Or, you know, whomever. He hasn't even made a move on Catwoman! I guess Superman's got a bit of a violence kink.

Superman turns into that power hungry madman that everybody constantly expects him to become because it's the most boring thing a writer can write. I suppose Greg Pak heard that whole "Absolute power is next to godliness" or whatever that was on that ceramic thing hanging in my Grandmother's bathroom. Oh! I remember. "Absolute power corrupts absolutely." So trite, boring writers remember somebody once said that (I think it was Hamilton Berger from Perry Mason) and then they snap their fingers and say, "Gee whiz! Superman has absolute power! I bet he'd really be corrupted!" Then they write bullshit nonsense like this where people have to convince Superman not to be absolutely corrupted because hugs or something.

"I think I always remembered better when Batgirl was giving me a blow job!"

No Memory Batman realizes all he has to do to remember is to remember! But what of his love for Lois Lane?! Will he forget that he wanted to put her vagina in his mouth? Yeah, probably. Greg Pak's main plot is to make his characters forget the stories he writes about them. Which is good because most of the stories he writes about them are awful messes.

Why would Batman also be thinking, "Maybe if I kiss him, I can recognize who he is if I've ever kissed him outside of his costume and then publish Batman's identity and win a Pulitzer and be lauded with fame and fortune?"

Batman remembers everything that has ever happened to him plus some other things as well. Like he remembers Batgirl lying in a puddle of blood for some reason. Even in The New 52, I thought Barbara Gordon, not Batgirl, was shot by The Joker? Oh well, Batman remembers things from a perspective outside his own body anyway, so that distracts me from the whole Batgirl thing and weirds me the fuck out. Although, maybe I do remember my own memories as if they're were shot by a camera crew! Let me think about when I lost my virginity. Don't worry, it'll only take a few seconds. Let's see...nope. I don't remember it from an outside angle or with any dignity. Although almost immediately afterward, I did admire myself naked in a bathroom mirror to see if I had actually changed in any significant way, so that's kind of like remembering the experience from an outside perspective! Also, I only remember changing in one way: I was hungry afterward.

Next Superman remembers everything that happened to him! He remembers tragedy and loss and learning about his indestructible blanket. Why didn't either of these guys remember fucking people?! I totally would have remembered that time at that party at Chris Humphrey's house when I was trying to play poker and that girl kept sliding her hand into the hole in my sweats. Although before that, when we were at my cousin's house and we were all outside getting into cars to head to Chris's house, the girl's friend came up to me and got really close and smelled really good and she was so cute and she said, "Do you think my friend's cute?" and I didn't say, "No, I think you're cute." I said, "Uh...sure...um...who's your friend?" And her friend wasn't as cute and didn't smell as good as the first girl. Man! Why didn't I pursue the first girl? Also, I don't remember their names because this was a long time ago and I didn't really interact with them much past that night.

Okay fine. I dated the girl who kept molesting me while I was playing poker and I can't remember her name! I broke up with her on the phone when she said, "Just tell me if you never want to see me again." So I said, "I never want to see you again." And she said something like "You don't know how much you're hurting me" or something but I was already saying "Goodbye" and hanging up the phone. To add some context so that phone call doesn't make me look like an absolute monster, she did have sex with me without my consent! We were sexual but we had not engaged in the act of fornication because (and this will show how young I was at the time) I believed having sex is what made a girl fall in love with you! And I knew I wasn't interested in anything long term, so we mostly just got ourselves really worked up by groping and rubbing and making out. Then she would make some kind of comment about how many calories are in sperm but not do anything about it because she would hint that she wanted me to give her oral pleasure but I really was pretty lost when it came to "hints" and "signals" and "not saying exactly what you fucking want." Plus there was probably a pretty good chance I had already came in my pants and just wasn't interested anymore. Anyway, we fell asleep in my bed one night and I woke up to her on top me. You know, fucking me. Now, I didn't say no! I went with it. I'm just pointing out that it began without my consent!

Okay, fine! That entire story still makes me out to be a bastard. I never said I was a great human being! I was young and enjoying being pursued by whatever few women would pursue me and let me know I was being pursued by them by saying, "I am interested in you." Seriously, I pretty much needed to be hit by a train to know when somebody was interested in me.

Wow. This comic book really must be boring if it's getting me to tell sex stories that aren't flattering to me!

Also, I should apologize for the lack of detail in my sex stories. But what do you think this is? Sexblog Smut Central?

Did...did...did these two fuck each other?

After Batman and Superman remember who they are, they slink off embarrassed about how they acted. Then Satan's Anus takes the caged Caillou Chaosbringer into his nether realm so that they can fuck with Batman and Superman again at a later date. If Greg Pak hasn't been fired before that later date.

Batman Loves Superman #15 Rating: -3 Ranking. I did enjoy Greg Pak and Jae Lee's initial run on this series which is why it is still ranked so high. That story also used memory loss as a plot point but that was before I knew it was Greg Pak's crutch. Ever since that first story, this book has been sliding downhill fast.

Batman Loves Superman #14

One second after this picture was taken, Superman "accidentally" ripped Batman's face off.

Last issue, Batman and Superman suffered a case of spontaneous amnesia. Too bad for me, neither one of them is the Narrator. That would have saved me from having to read this story! Instead, I'm going to finish reading this story and then promptly come down with my own case of spontaneous amnesia (it'll be prompt because it's spontaneous!). That sounds so relaxing! Why don't humans have reset buttons on their brains? I think that's proof against Intelligent Design because any intelligent designer would have enabled humans to reboot without a third party power surge. That's a reference to electroshock therapy!

I wonder if I should begin using footnotes? That would make my blog edgy and postal modern!

I learned today that my non-certified step in-laws think they should get me drunk more often because I'm more fun that way, that when I come to visit I usually just hide myself away and read a book, and that I kept whining one Thanksgiving because my non-certified father-in-law put chicken broth in the vegetables! I have to say the first two things are absolutely true. Although, as an addendum, I'm a lot of fun when I'm not drunk and when I'm actually interested in being around the people I'm hanging around. As for the last one, it pisses me off. I hate when people believe something that isn't true and now have based an opinion on you off of that "fact." What happened was, when it became common knowledge that the vegetables were tainted with chicken stink, I said, "Don't worry about it." So my step-brother-in-law either wants to believe that vegetarians are all whiny assholes that can't deal with a family member's mistake, or, and this is entirely probable and most likely possible, I kept faking like it ruined the whole night and he, not knowing me very well because I'm always in the other room reading books, took my comments at face value. What a jerk!

Don't worry! The above won't cause any family drama because it'll probably be a cold day in a fictional place (that isn't Narnia) before they read anything written by me! They're into art you can look at and oooh and aaahhh over amongst other people. What I'm saying is that they're actually into impressing other people with their reactions to art rather than the art itself! Unless they're reading this for some reason and then, ha ha! It was all a big joke and in good fun! What good sports you are!

Oh my god! I have a new hobby! I'm going to pitch one comic book idea to DC's Twitter account every day until they let me write all of their titles! Or at least let me replace Greg Pak! I can come up with ideas twice as good as his stuff! Here's one I just thought up off the top of my head: Superman and Batman go to Subway and order identical sandwiches. Chaos ensues!

So this is the premise of this story? Will Superman and Batman still be heroes without their memories?! That's Remedial Plot Writing 101, Greg Pak! I'd rather read my Subway story!

Bruce Wayne, having forgotten that his parents weren't supposed to die in vain, has been living it up playboy billionaire bachelor style! He's banging Mayor Hady's wife (unless it's a different Mayor) and taking away Alfred's health insurance. Without the memory of his parents, he's forgotten how to be a hero! Well played, Kaiyo! And Greg Pak! Except I have a feeling Batman's personality is going to win out somehow. Maybe a poor child will give Bruce a flower and then hug him, and Bruce will be all, "She must have had an extra flower and then wiped her hands on me."

That last sentence would have a footnote telling you to read my Justice League #34 commentary but I'm not hip and portmanteau enough to have footnotes or meandering texts or webpages that can only be read when you spin your monitor around.

If I were Superman, I'd probably begin unbuckling my pants at this point. "Ladies, ladies! There's enough super cock to go around!"

While Catwoman rubs her crotch on the back of Superman's neck (That's how I first fell in love!), Lois tries to explain to Superman that he's lost his memories. But not having any memories, Superman finds it hard to believe that he's lost his memories. Doesn't everybody just go around naked and confused? That Lois Lane isn't going to fool him into betraying his new cat girlfriend! She'll have to rub a lot more than her crotch on him to convince him she's the one to trust!

Superman leaves with the correct woman, leaving Lois Lane all alone when Batman arrives. I don't mean to offend any robots with that last statement since Lois is left with some robots. But robots, no matter how intensely they vibrate and how smoothly they slide into nether orifices, can never replace the company of another human being. Oh, they can totally replace other human beings' usually negligible sexual skills! But they can't replace their company!

I think when she said "stupid," she meant to say "upbeat."

Superman decides he should probably figure out who he is and what motivates him so that he can start pretending to be himself. And who better to tell him who he is than Toymaster!

That could use a footnote too! And then it would list about fifty different people who would be better suited to explain to Superman what Superman means. But since this is Greg Pak's comic book, I guess we'll let him have New 52 characters he's developed explain to Superman what makes him so super and inspiring. I bet it's the bright, primary colors.

Batman goes through his own trial of remembrance with Lois Lane and The Scarecrow. But Batman's going to have to remember the death of his parents before he becomes a hero again, so that's going to be sad. Unless Greg Pak finds the hilarity in it! I hope he goes that way with the story.

"Okay, Master Bruce. But first, your Rohypnol Tea!"

Alfred tells Bruce about his parents and Bruce is all, "Yeah, yeah. I already know that! Tell me how to be Batman already!" And Alfred is all, "Well, first you have to suck this."

Meanwhile, Superman teams up with Toymaster and Catwoman to become Judge Dredd.

Batman Loves Superman #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. Next issue, Batmite and Mr. Mxyzptlk arrive to kick Kaiyo and Lord Satanus's asses for taking their jobs. Goddamned scabs.

Batman Loves Superman #13

It's been two months since this book came out. I don't even remember who Batman and Superman are.

I'm a Writer, not a Reader! Reading is for lazy people who enjoy passive entertainment. They like to lay back (unless it's lie back. Maybe it doesn't matter because I'm a Professional Writer and thus I get to make up my own rules. I could even write a whole story within the confines of this parenthetical reference if I wanted to. But as a Reader, you can't do anything but read everything that was placed within the...hey! Where are you going? You're supposed to Read what I Write, Reader! Don't you dare leave this parenthetical reference until you've consumed every word, you sick bastard!) and just take it. But not me! I like to give! I give all day long! Although sometimes I need a break and I read. But I don't read nearly as much as I used to, for some reason! Here is a list of the books I read this year:

1. Hitchhiker's Guide To Some Galaxy or Something (reread. As if I have enough years left in my life to be rereading things! What am I doing?!)
2. The Restaurant in Some Galaxy's Ending or Something (reread)
3. Life, The Universe, Or Something (reread)
4. So Long, and Thanks for Nothing (reread)
5. Mostly Something (reread)
6. LOLita
7. The Last Uniporn

That's it! If you don't count all of the comics that I read so that I have material to Write about. You can't just make up stuff to Write right out of your head! You need Inspiration and Mooses! The Moose that inspires me the most is Clytaemnestra because her name sounds dirty twice! And I don't want any smart Trebeks telling me who I can have for a Moose! I'm the Writer here!

Does anybody remember what happened when Batman Loved Superman last issue? No? Okay then, we'll just start over.

The Reboot Lord Satanus is completely different from the Preboot version. The Preboot version spelled his name Lord Satanis!

Here's an excerpt from Lord Satanis's entry in "Who's Who Volume XIII" (how do you pronounce that?! "Zheeeee!") from March 1986:

"Much of Lord Satanis' background is still wrapped in mystery. We have never seen his unmasked face. He stated that he took the name Satanis from Satan, but never revealed his real name."

I'm glad Lord Satanis cleared up where he came up with the name! I like the new spelling because now he can say his name is in reference to how he's resting on his laurels. Because it combines "sat" with "anus," duh!

That was a weird excerpt from Who's Who, wasn't it? It's like the entry was talking directly to me when it used the pronoun "we"!

As a Writer, I get to decide which grammar and writing rules I want to use and which ones I think are for Amateurs so they don't completely embarrass themselves while trying to write. So I would have said "Lord Satanis's" instead of "Lord Satanis'" because when I say it directly out of my mouth and out loud, it sounds like I'm saying "Satanis's"! That's another rule I don't like! The one about putting punctuation inside of the quotation mark at the end of the sentence. In some cases, it's absolutely essential to do it the correct way. But if I had put the exclamation point inside the quote along with Satanis's, you would have thought that the word "Satanis's" was super exciting and not my previous sentence! I also use lots and lots of exclamation points because you probably can't believe how exciting everything I write is and I like to help you to believe!

Enough about my Writing Process! I can't give away all of my secrets or else you might become as good as me and take my job. And nobody wants to read anything written by a reader!

Kaiyo makes a deal with Lord Satanus which ignores how they met and who Lord Satanus actually is and what is going on. That might take up too many pages. Besides, it's a comic book, so you can probably glean all of that from the pictures. The pictures suggest that Lord Satanus, Ruler of Earth's Dark Realm, lives in a hole near the Earth. Is that where Earth's Dark Realm is located? I would have guessed it was in the ground, especially since the person lording over it is named Satanus. Because an anus is like a hole in the ground!

The pictures also suggest that Kaiyo likes to nap in Earth's orbit and she just happened to nap too close to Lord Satanus's hole this time. Now she either has to feed herself to him or give him Blank Slate Batman and Superman to play with. Or with which to play, if you're a dyed-dactyl jerko. That reminds me! Kaiyo took away Batman and Superman's memory at the end of last issue because Kaiyo is the Apokoliptian version of Mytzlmite.

Good old Clark Kent, reporter! Even with amnesia, he still remembers to ask the Five "W"s: what, why, where, who, and whow.

Catwoman is the person asking Superman if it hurt. She's just using a pick up line because she likes having sex with super heroes. She doesn't know this person is a superhero, of course, even though he isn't wearing his glasses. She's probably looking at his spit curl and not his spit curl, if you know what I mean and aren't overly confused by the fact that I said the same thing twice but meant two very different things. One of the things I meant was a diddly-doo!

Catwoman never gets the chance to make Batman super jealous because a big robot monster chases her away. Meanwhile, Superman gets tetanus in his butthole.

Batman also reappears in Gotham but he gets to keep his bat-clothing.

Also, he's not a reporter so he only knows the one "W."

Batman and The Scarecrow are in the middle of a battle and even though Batman doesn't remember how to be Batman, his body remembers how to be Batman. I guess that's the same way that when people get amnesia, they generally still can speak their native language. Unless they can't! I'm not a doctor or a parasicklologist or anything, so I can't be certain that people can still speak after receiving amnesia. There are probably different levels of amnesia depending on how many people you want thinking you've forgotten about them so that you don't have to go to their stupid parties anymore. "What? Teleman who? I have no idea who you are or that you sent me an evite to your dumb dumb Murder Mystery Party! I'm pretty sure I'm busy that night, if I'm remembering correctly. I mean, plus I don't know you, jerko."

That last sentence in the quotation marks was me, Grunion Guy, acting like I had amnesia and talking to my coworker, Teleman, who is a big idiot.

The Scarecrow hits Batman with fear toxin but since Batman has forgotten everything that he's afraid of, it has no effect on him. The Scarecrow, being a parasicklologist, should have guessed that would happen! But I guess he forgot that Batman has amnesia! He should have been reading the comic book more closely.

Batman has also forgotten that he's afraid to shoot criminals and he tries to shoot the Scarecrow. The Scarecrow forgot that you're supposed to poop in toilets and now needs a new costume.

No, Batman loves Superman, you stupid wall. Although maybe DC needs a Catwoman Loves Batman comic book which only tells stories of their hookups.

I said, "Catwoman Loves Batman!" Enh, Batman's a withholding jerko. Catwoman needs to get it wherever she can.

What was Catwoman stealing from the Gotham City Junkyard? No, no. Nevermind. I'm sure Ann Nocenti had a very dumb plot device that explains it all. Well, the plot doesn't explain it. But Ann Nocenti probably explained it in an interview so that if you read the Catwoman Junkyard story, and thought, "What the doo doo was that?", and then you read her interview explaining the doo doo, you'd say, "Is she talking about the story I just read? Or any of her stories I read? Why can't she translate her seemingly interesting ideas into coherent scripts?!"

Catwoman explains to the naked man that she somehow doesn't know is Superman that the robots that attacked her were built by somebody named Mangubat. I don't like the sound of that! It's like Man-Bat with "gu" in the middle!

Meanwhile, through a series of lucky accidents, Batman finds his way back to the Bat-cave where he's hosting a benefit for Gentrifying Downtown. Luckily Alfred walks him through what he needs to know via some kind of inner ear intercom, and a woman at the party reminds him that he's Bruce Wayne, the richest and sexiest man in Gotham City. Now he knows everything I know about Bruce Wayne! He's practically got his memory back!

Lois Lane appears in a train on the way to Gotham. I knew she'd be in the comic book because she was on the cover and I looked at the cover. It's what makes me such a good Writer because I observe subtleties like that. The train Lois is on is one of Mangubat's robots and he uses it to kidnap her. Or he tries to. Superman, having been briefed by Catwoman (I'm assuming because he's now wearing a Superman belt which Selina probably purchased at Hot Topic and thought it would be clever to give him along with some tight leather pants), decides to destroy the train. I guess he has forgotten that trains usually carry innocent passengers. He does save Lois though because he always saves Lois when she gets in over her head on a dangerous investigation. And then he asks her who Superman is and then Catwoman laughs and then the the passengers on the train die screaming and then the issue is over and then it's time for Futures End. I wonder if this story was supposed to be finished before Futures End began but Jae Lee took too long with the art because Jae Lee always takes too long with the art. Unless he doesn't. I just made that up because his art looks like the kind of art that always misses deadlines.

Batman Loves Superman #13 Rating: No change. I often complain about how Scott Lobdell can only write stories that involve alternate dimensions because he's lazy and can't come up with any other stories other than the one he wrote for X-men and now rewrites constantly. And now I think I need to complain about Greg Pak and the way he writes stories that involve Batman and Superman being put in situations that use amnesia to resolve. First he has them transplanted to another world to forget about what happened there. Now he has them transplanted back from that world where they were retransplanted to remember what happened there only to now have forgotten again. Then you have the Toyman/Mongul story that I've forgotten about because it was so terrible. Are they ever going to take part in a story they get to remember? I bet at the end of Doomed, everybody in the entire world forgets about Doomsday and how Lois was responsible for killing thousands of people in Metropolis. Also, what was up with Lord Satanus? Why couldn't Kaiyo still be responsible for these shenanigans? Did we really need another ultra-powerful, less comical Bat-ptlk?