Doomed #2

I realize Superman is currently part Doomsday, but can I still declare this as the worst drawing of Superman in the last 75 years?

Usually I joke about not remembering what's been happening in a comic book but I'm telling you up front that the next sentence is not a joke. I don't remember what's been happening in this comic book. Hmm, I don't think I needed the disclaimer about that previous sentence not being a joke since it didn't even come close to making me laugh. Anyway, the last Chapter of Doomed was that one where Supergirl was kissed against her will by that rapist asshole Michael in the wheelchair. What a fucking dick. I hate that guy. Also, that story didn't really have anything to do with Doomed. So rereading my commentary on it didn't help at all. I guess I'll just dive in. At least I'm excited about not seeing Scott Lobdell's name on the cover because fuck that guy!

If I discovered a genie that granted me three wishes, I would begin by wishing for more genies. Then I would wish for a ten inch pianist. Then I would wish that whoever was writing Lois Lane's articles for the Doomed story line would accidentally fall into a time machine set to the moment of his birth where that person would travel back in time and the time machine would land on the baby just as the doctor was bringing it into the world. No wait! I'd wish that I had a time machine so I could go back in time and fuck my great grandfather! I mean my great grandmother!

I'm not going to point out how Lois Lane doesn't know how to utilize commas because I don't know how to utilize commas and I might look like an idiot when everything I say winds up being incorrect. But I am going to point out how horrible this article is and could never have been written by the world's greatest journalist's wannabe girlfriend. At least Lois helped me remember where we left off with this story.

This issue is called "Evolutions" or, as Young Earthers would say, "Stupid Lies By Biased Dumb Dumb Heads That Nobody Should Listen To Or Else You Will Most Definitely Go To Hell."

The final hope of Earth are currently hiding away in the Fortress of Solitude watching as the citizens of Smallville all go into cardiac arrest. But I'm sure it will be a very slow kind of cardiac arrest. You know the kind? The kind your uncle always gets when he goes to those buffets and eats six steaks and then slumps in his chair pounding on his chest to try to stop the pain. That's the kind of heart attack that can go on for weeks before the victim finally seeks medical attention because he can't get a boner.

Lana Lang embarrasses Martian Manhunter by asking him where Superman is instead of saying, "Hey, Johnny boy. Can you, like, start saving everybody already? You're more powerful than Superman, right? Although we really could use Superman since he looks human so everybody looks to him as an icon of truth and justice and the American way whereas they just look at you and throw up in their mouths a little bit." Maybe it would be more embarrassing if she were to say those things, so it's probably better she just left it at asking J'onn to find Superman.

Look at that smirk on Batman's face! He's enjoying this! What a dick.

The plan now is for Superman, as Doomsday, to locate Brainiac within his ship and kill him. Because that worked out so well with Doomsday! What's the next big Superman story going to be called? Superdoomiac? Maybe Superman should stop killing things when he can't force them into the Phantom Zone.

You know what? Maybe Superman should also stop forcing aliens into the Phantom Zone! That may be representative of The American Way but it's certainly not Justice! It may or may not be Truth depending on how big of an asshole philosopher you are.

Speaking of asshole philosophers!

So according to Brainiac, all Superman has to do to defeat Brainiac is to stop observing him! Then he'll stop existing! Or does Brainiac exist through his own observations of himself? He observes, therefore he is?

Brainiac has come up with a philosophical thought so, as an asshole philosopher, he believes his thought must be true. So he's collecting lots and lots of sentient minds so that he can tell them they're seeing what Brainiac wants them to see and then that thing they think they're seeing will exist. He's so stupid he doesn't even understand his own philosophy! In the panel I scanned, he points out that phenomena only exists if it's observed. But that doesn't say that believing you're observing something causes it to come into existence! I think Brainiac might be that fucking asshole in my Freshman Philosophy of Science course that caused me to drop the class after the first day.

While Brainiac idea-masturbates all over the inside of Clark Kent's mind, Cyborg Superman attacks the Fortress of Solitude. Supergirl arrives to battle him because he's her problem. Still no sign of Wonder Woman straddling Warworld as she brings it out of the Phantom Zone to battle Brainiac's ship.

I don't know which of the dozen artists drawing this issue fucked up Supergirl's costume here but I'm glad they did! This is how it should actually look! These Kryptonian Biker Shorts are much cuter than that red diaper she normally wears.

Wonder Woman doesn't come riding out of the Phantom Zone like I wanted her to. Instead she just fires it from inside the Phantom Zone, through the portal, and at Brainiac's ship. Boring! Wonder Woman should force Mongul to sign over the pink slip to Warworld. She is the God of War now. I think it belongs to her. It would make a great base. Or she could just park it somewhere in London and turn it into an apartment building.

When is Superman going to defeat Brainiac with love? I hope he hugs and kisses him which will cause Brainiac to fall to his knees yelling, "NOOOO!" Because what Brainiac doesn't realize is he's battling Earthlings! Earthlings! No other creature in the universe is capable of such strength, resilience, and love! That's because we've all seen the power of love due to the movie The Yellow Submarine. And also maybe Back to the Future as well.

Superman finds out that Brainiac simply wants a universe where his wife and son are still alive. That's why he needs Earth minds! Because they understand how the only thing that really matters is the love of a good wife and son! Earthlings sure are dumb. But Brainiac keeps fighting even when Superman seems willing to help him create his wish. So Lois Lane gives Superman Brainiac's power to go along with his Doomsday power!

Superdoomiac! Just like I said! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Superman uses his new Brainiac powers to toss Brainiac (and himself, apparently) into a Black Hole. Instead of being crushed to death, Superman uses some of Brainiac's Philosophy of Science Powers to believe that a Black Hole is a doorway into another world instead of just a gigantic gravitational death trap. Brainiac winds up listening to some computer speak about acquiring assets for its collection while seeing several different scenes of the Preboot Universe. So Flashpoint breaks down inside of a Black Hole? So that's what all the New 52 Haters should do! Throw themselves into a Black Hole! Why do I keep capitalizing Black Hole?!

Doomed #2 Rating: No change because it isn't in the rankings. What the fuck just happened?! Blue Beetle was in that black hole! Along with Dick Grayson's horrible Nightwing outfit! And Superman's outside underwear! And the original OMAC with his weird ass girlfriend in a box! And a straight Alan Scott! And Harley in her old outfit! And maybe a scene from Flashpoint itself with the Flashpoint Aquaman battling the Flashpoint Wonder Woman? I forget what they looked like but I think they were at war in Flashpoint, right? I'd probably remember better but Flashpoint changed things so that I don't remember Flashpoint very well. Is Superman going to be back in Preboot Continuity now?!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1

Every time I simply glanced at this cover, I thought, "Why is Swamp Thing suddenly in this book?"

DC Comics is not making it very easy to follow this Doomed story! At the end of the last issue of Doomed (Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10), the "next issue" blurb told me to read Action Comics Annual #3. But then the annuals came out alongside the newest issue of Action Comics which claims it's Chapter 1 of Last Sun. The cover of Superman Loves Wonder Woman proclaims it's Chapter 3 of Superdoom which means I should read it before Action Comics Annual #3 which proclaims it's Chapter 4 of Superdoom. But then when I open up Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1, it says that it's Chapter 3 of Last Sun! That forces me to open up Action Comics Annual #3 to make sure it's not actually Chapter 2 of Last Sun which would mean the covers are wrong and I should begin by reading Action Comics #34! But it states it's Chapter 4 of Last Sun inside which doesn't actually make anything perfectly clear but leads me to believe that whoever did the layout on the inside title pages of the Annuals fucked it up. So I'm going to ignore what Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10 told me, and I'm going to ignore the title pages inside the annuals, and I'm going to trust that the covers are telling me the correct order in which to read Doomed! It's a good thing these Annuals didn't have Selfie or 75 Years of Batman variants or I'd be completely lost!

I still might actually be completely lost. I won't know for sure until I begin reading.

This issue begins with another article by Lois "Bride of Brainiac" Lane printed in the Daily Planet. I'm not sure who is still printing issues of The Daily Planet when everybody in Metropolis is in a coma, but who am I, really, to ask such questions? It's the populace of America that should be asking questions. Questions like "How is this Lois Lane the only person not in a coma?" and "How is this Lois Lane printing newspapers all by herself?" and "Why do people read this woman's articles when she has such a tenuous hold on the English language?" and "What's The Daily Planet? Is that basically the main paper for some city in which I don't live so would never read unless it was to prove that I was some highfalutin intellectual type that wished that I lived in New York City?" Another question people should be asking is, "Will breathing this much Kryptonite give me cancer?" Also this question: "Shouldn't we help Superman? He's done so much to save us and our world and now we're just going to turn on him and hang him out to dry when he's obviously sick and suffering?" But, again, who am I to raise such questions? I'm just a caveman!

Dammit! I let my secret slip! Forget you read that last part. If only I understood these newfangled typing machines well enough to remove things that I've written that I don't want people to read!

See? I wasn't hallucinating this time!

The issue begins with Cyborg Superman insulting Superman because he's come down with a disease. Does nobody care that Superman is sick and that he didn't choose this? I don't expect Cyborg Superman to help him, and I realize he's Superman's enemy, but it still feels a bit unnecessary when he tells Superman that it's a good thing the people of Krypton are dead so they are "spared the shame" of seeing what's become of Superman. It's not like he's ravaged by space syphilis due to visiting every backwater brothel in the universe. Even then he'd still be suffering from a disease but, you know, one maybe he could have tried a bit harder to prevent. And he might be a space sex addict to boot, so calling him a disgrace is still counter productive! Somebody help this poor man!

Superman answers Cyborg Superman's insults by pulling his arm off. Now who's the disgrace, One-Arm?! Just imagine what your robotic ancestors would shamefully think having to look at your imperfect body! So shameful! What an embarrassment!

While the two, um, Kryptonians? bicker over? under? Mars, Cyborg Superman's fleet of tiny? Brainiac ships begin their invasion of Earth. Too bad Superman is the only hero that could possibly stop it!

But wait! I forgot about heroic Lana Lang, the greatest electrical engineer on the planet! She's taken courses that enabled her to read brain waves and she's studied the invasion tactics of alien species by use of radio communications! She's the only hero not infected by Doomsday left that can stop the attack!

Superman doesn't trust the rest of Earth's heroes to save the day either, so he heads back to Earth to stop Brainiac's fleet. He must be delirious. He knows Batman is still on Earth, right? And everybody knows that Batman always saves the day, right? Ergo, Superman is tripping his balls off from Doomsday Fever. And he gets even worse once he flies directly into the Kryptonite soaked atmosphere. Poor guy.

I once had a fever so intense when I was four or five that I had a psychic dream about events concerning the next day. Okay, I had one fever dream about an outline of a minotaur chasing me around a labyrinth and when I slew him with a sword, he unraveled into a puddle-like outline. The next day, I vomited all over my grandparents' porch and the vomit puddle was in the exact shape of the minotaur from the dream the night before. Also, we went to Happy Hollow the next day (yes, with me horribly sick and possibly Patient Zero for the impending zombie apocalypse) where they had a labyrinth that I couldn't go into but had to watch my cousins play in while I sat on a bench feeling miserable.

I bet you wish you still wore that gun strapped to your hip, hunh, Green Lantern?

At least Superman was right that some of Earth's heroes would be useless. Like Hawkman, which is totally obvious (totes obvious if you're annoying), and Simon Baz, which is less obvious being that he's a Green Lantern but not so less obvious and more sort of quite obvious when you realize the Green Lantern rings suck ass so far in The New 52. They barely have any effect on anything anymore!

Since Superman and Wonder Woman are the only heroes whose names are on the cover of this comic book, they're the only ones that will be worth a damn in the current fight. But Batman is working behind the scenes to remove the Kryptonite from the air! How about if he just points out that Earth didn't have enough Kryptonite for a Kryptonite bomb that would pollute the entire atmosphere in the first place? Will that work? Can he just call "Continuity Foul" and save the day?

I'm going to qualify this as an official psychic premonition by Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! As opposed to simply an association between Charles Soule and Swamp Thing and my lack of observational skills.

The Red Lanterns also make an appearance. But She-Hulk doesn't, for some reason. Sexist!

Apparently a bow and arrow is more effective than a Green Lantern ring. Also, the Gobi Desert is where the Galactic Hero Corps were defeated. Also, Bleez's ass.

In space, hiding behind the moon, Cyborg Superman begins building a Halo. Or a Stargate. Possibly a Space Rectum. But whatever he's building, Steel doesn't think it should be finished. Especially if it's a Space Rectum. So he exits the ship to battle Cyborg Superman. I forget. Did he teach Lana Lang how to land this thing if he's killed?

Back on Earth, Superman is losing the battle against Doomsday. So Wonder Woman arrives to help her boyfriend.

Looks like Ed Benes is taking his turn at the art. I don't actually know if the above panel was by Ed Benes but I see a couple of things in it that arouse my suspicion.

Back behind the moon, Steel gets his ass handed to him even if the artist fucked everything up. But Lana saves his ass only to get her ship's ass shot up by heat vision. And having a shot up ship in a vacuum is probably one of those very bad things unbearable people often talk about. But in all the tragedy, Cyborg delivers some good news!

Condor is down! Repeat, Condor is down! I hope his wounds are mortal! Oh please let his wounds be mortal!

Meanwhile in Action Comics Annual #3, Batman saves the day by removing the Kryptonite from the atmosphere! I can't wait to read how he saves the day! I bet he builds a gigantic Bat-vacuum powered by the grief of losing ones parents at an early age! He probably recruits a bunch of orphans to ride stationary bicycles which channel their grief. And he'll probably name them Robin #4 through Robin #363!

Superman regains control of himself (for now!) and Brainiac's fleet begins to self-destruct because the heroes were just too damn heroic. But the celebrating is fleeting since Cyborg Superman finishes his Space Rectum and out comes The Collector of Worlds! I think. It's Brainiac, right? I don't know. Maybe it's a Space Tape Worm.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1 Rating: This annual returned to DC's fine tradition of making annuals essential reading! At least it's essential if you're reading the Doomed story arc. If the other story arc is simply about Batman sucking Kryptonite out of the atmosphere, then that one won't be essential at all! It was only one panel in this comic book and that seemed to work out just fine. I don't need to know the details about how Batman saved the day. It was obvious that he was going to save the day! What else does Batman do with days? Not save them? Come on!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #9

I think these Kryptonians need some serious therapy.

I know how to stop Superdoomsdayman and save the day! As long as Deadman isn't busy with his own life and he doesn't mind remaining in this body for the rest of eternity. It's not like he'd be any worse off than The Thing over in Marvel. Like Thing, he just needs to find a blind girl with an inability to feel tactile sensations and he can live happily ever after in this bony, jacked-up body. But what about Clark's personality, you ask? Well fuck. I'm sure Constantine can transfer it into the body of a dolphin or something. This is a comic book! Am I seriously supposed to believe none of the magic users in the DC Universe can stop this shit? What use are they?!

I suppose since the magic characters aren't allowed in certain story lines because they'd fix the problem too quickly, I'll just have to see how Superman, Wonder Woman, and Supergirl punch this problem into submission.

This issue begins with The Daily Planet printing government propaganda and slapping Lois's name on it to make it seem trustworthy.

I'm reading this on the correct date!

As you can read, all nations gave the United States of America the go ahead to drop a bomb on Superman because he was being a total dick. Nobody should worry about the side-effects of the bomb though! Only the entire atmosphere has been adulterated with a cancer causing substance. Way to go, North Korea! You're against everything the American government does but you couldn't go against them on this stupid decision?! Actually, you know they were against it which is one of the many reasons this article is such obvious propaganda to ensure the populace that there is no way in hell they are suing anybody later in life when they're all coming down with K-Cancer.

Also, Superdoom is a fucking stupid name. Stop robbing him of his "humanity" just to sensationalize the story! You don't tack on "cancer" to the name of your loved ones when they get cancer! "Hey, Jimcancer! Are you still dying? How about I fill the room with a gigantic green fart? Feel better now?"

Yes but it doesn't all die at the hands of Doomsday, you arrogant prick.

Death is easy, Doomsday. Anybody can be the hands of death. And, as you said, everything dies. So what are you actually accomplishing? Nothing, you stupid fuck. At most you're a gentle breeze fanning the flames of a forest fire that is already going to wipe out everything whether you blew by or not. You're a narcissistic piece of shit and Lois Lane shouldn't be giving you any coverage at all. This lead should be buried and your name forgotten. Nobody cares about you and your death-dealing antics. You're a piece of shit that should just take his own life quietly and alone, the way people used to take their own lives long before they realized they could at least make the national news circuit on their way out of the mortal realm. Anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter. Superman is going to kick your ass before you can kill anybody else. Because unlike Batman who refuses to kill but still only saves the day after innocent people die, Superman can save everybody before they die! Unless they're his parents. And all of those other people that blame Superman for their deaths simply because he didn't stop death completely. But he can stop Doomsday!

I think.

Wonder Woman has followed Superman into the jungles of Brazil where he's destroying more rain forest in a few minutes than the locals have destroyed in decades. She has asked her sister Hessia for help finding a cure for Superman.

She's also developed a lazy eye. Superman hit her harder than I realized.

I would have gathered up Zatanna and John Constantine, personally. But I guess an exiled Amazonian healer might be able to come up with some solutions.

For a healer, Hessia has some seriously tricked out armor to protect her when gathering medicinal herbs. And since the belt clasp is two Ws on top of each other, she'll probably hand this armor off to Diana when Hessia is through with it. And by "through with it," I mean dead.

Forget triage. I think Hessia was actually a veterinarian. "This animal is really sick and it's trying to bite me when I examine it. It should be euthanized."

To prove Superman is more dangerous than Diana thinks, Hessia reveals to Superman that she was the one that sent the pictures of Clark and Diana fucking to Clarkcatropolis.com. She did it because Superman wanted to keep the relationship secret and her BFF Wonder Woman didn't want that at all. So she decided to butt her Amazonian ass into their relationship instead of letting them decide together. Just as she predicted, this pisses Clark off just a little bit and he allows his Doomsday side to punch her up a bit.

To keep Hessia from getting killed, Wonder Woman hogties Superman and flies him up above the Kryptonite cloud so he regains his rationality.

Deep into the heart of the sun! Or Ysmault!

After Wonder Woman heads back to Earth to catch her breath and put on a heavy cardigan, the Red Lanterns show up to beat the shit out of Superman. They're the guardians of Sector 2814 so it's their responsibility to put him down! You can't let some other yokel take him behind the shed and shoot him. You have to deal with this shit yourself or you'll wind up blubbering about it for the rest of the movie and annoying everybody with your moaning. Although Superman isn't really Guy Gardner's problem. But he kind of is Supergirl's problem since some people think family is important for some reason. I think family is just a bunch of people society tries to guilt you into liking.

The only thing the Red Lanterns accomplish is forcing Doomsday back to the surface. That probably means Clark is going to change his mind about that sabbatical in the sun. Also, Superman manages to toss the Red Lanterns down to Antarctica. Or the Arctic. Oh, who cares? DC Comics treats them like the same place.

Maybe the Reds can take him back to Ysmault and dunk him in the Blood Ocean! That usually solves their rage problems.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you want to compare apples and oranges, take this issue of Doomed and compare it to Lobdell's issue of Doomed in Superman #31. Technically, since they're both comic books, that shouldn't be described as comparing apples and oranges. But apples and oranges have more in common than that thrown together piece of shit and this fabulously well-written piece of fiction.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #8

Last issue was "Chapter 1: [Infected]". This issue is "[Infected]: Chapter 2". The only consistency at DC Comics is their lack of consistency.

This issue begins with another article by Lois Lane! Let's hope somebody proofread this one.

As far as I can tell (and I'm no editor because I'm not an unimaginative asshole), Lois avoided any errors in this article. But it was still shit. This just doesn't seem to be up to the standards of an award winning journalist like Lois. I think she may have given this one to an intern to write and just slapped her name on it. It's possible! The photos were credited to Jimmy Olsen and he wasn't anywhere near Smallville during this event. I think the Daily Planet is sketchy.

Since the Fortress of Solitude wouldn't let him in, Superman decided to crash at Clark's place. Wonder Woman finds him sitting in the dark with a horrible attitude. He's also sprouted a few unsightly bony growths.

I hope he didn't eat Jimmy Olsen. That shit needs to happen on-panel!

Meanwhile, Clarkcatropolis.com suddenly has an office full of employees. Seriously? A shitty little news blog with nothing to interest anybody except one fucking picture of Superman kissing Wonder Woman suddenly has money rolling in? How?! I can understand if they'd accepted GBN Owner Whatshisname's offer of millions of cash bills, but they didn't! They turned that shit down! And the only reason he wanted to buy the place was to shut them up. This is the most unbelievable thing I've read in a comic book so far! If it is believable then I need to figure out what the fuck I'm doing wrong. I've been at this for two and a half years and I haven't seen shit roll in! Where are my offices full of employees doing all the writing for me?! Oh wait! I do know what I'm doing wrong! It's my entire set up! This post shouldn't be called "Superman Loves Wonder Woman #8"! It should be called, "You're heart will fall out of your asshole when you see what happens at the end of these words!" And then I should just make a fucking list. "Five Sex Rituals Wonder Woman Undertakes To Survive Coitus With A Kryptonian!" Fucking average people are shit. You people! You reading this right now? You are the best! You're also a bunch of cheap bastards! You could at least message me and say, "Hey, I could lift my grandma's wedding ring and hock it if you need a little cash to help pay for comic books." But do you? DO YOU?

Cat Grant is such a dumb asshole she can't even tell when she's busy. Here's a hint, Cat: No, you are not. You run a shitty website that nobody would have ever heard about if some mystery person hadn't sent you a picture of Clark fucking Diana. Look at her. I don't think she even knows what she's holding. "Is this my lunch, Beth? Do I eat this?"

Wow. Writing that previous caption was like an epiphany! I'd forgotten how much I loved being angry at comic books! What happened to me? When did I get so nice? I think DC must be drugging my comic book subscriptions. I bet I've been dosed with ecstasy for the last six months! Fuck you, DC! I'm hiring a lawyer! And I've got a good one here in Portland! His commercials show his law office is the Legion of Doom's headquarters rising out of the swamp! At least I think it is. The X might be clouding my judgment.

Beth, the overpaid office assistant of Cat Grant, tells Cat that Clark's girlfriend is in the lobby waiting to see Cat. Cat looks...FOURTEEN! I just counted fourteen Goddamned employees in the offices of Clarkcatropolis.com! How the fuck can they afford this shit?! Clarkcatropolis.com has got to be a porn hub.

I thought "Clark's Girlfriend" was going to be Lana Lang just trying to get a meeting but it turns out to be even fucking stupider than that.

Of course, Cat is a complete moron. So I guess the headband that looks like a tiara is a decent enough disguise.

I guess I'm just a little bit confused about Wonder Woman and her secret identity. She never cared about having one when she was with Steve Trevor and didn't even consider one until she began dating Clark. He advised a pair of glasses. I guess Diana decided that was just stupid. I know Diana was already introduced to Clark's Daily Planet friends as his girlfriend but I thought that just meant everybody knew Clark was with Wonder Woman! Are comic book characters blind? Or are they just dumb? I think I already asked all of these questions back in that issue of Superman that was written really poorly!

Anyway, Clark blew up at Cat earlier because she's such an idiot. And then he stormed off wishing they'd taken the deal for thirteen million dollars in small bills. And that's when he went off to hide out in his apartment and turn into Doomsday. And that's just where Wonder Woman found him at the beginning of this comic book and where we're going to go back to now!

Clark is currently feeling a bit unloved.

Just before Diana confronts Clark in his apartment, Diana meets up with Lois Lane and a bunch of soldiers! It's the first time we get a glimpse at some of Diana's God of War powers as she manipulates the military men using telepathy. She also finds out that Lois Lane has a red eye glowing secret of some kind! The best part is that Lois mentions how Clark called her the previous night and mentioned something about the possibility of sticking his winky-doo in her hippy-ho. Diana doesn't get jealous because she knows she has the greatest hippy-ho on Earth but the news does cause her to worry about Clark. He really is acting like a fool ever since he killed Doomsday.

After talking with Lois, Wonder Woman meets up to have a chat with Batman. Batman did the old Batcomputer Analyzes Shit and Does Batman's Detective Work For Him Bit and figured out that Superman is becoming Doomsday. But he also determined that the shit at work in Clark's system can be resisted. Batman points out that it's too bad he hadn't been infected because he'd resist that shit in a heartbeat. But if there's anybody else on Earth that can resist it, it's probably Clark.

I think the X is really starting to kick in again because I'm beginning to think of a lot of great things to say about this comic book.

Diana convinces Clark to stop being a jerk and he reverts back to human form. For now! Next in Superman, we'll probably get a great conclusion to Doomed (if it ends next issue. I have no idea!) because it'll be handled by some writer named Scott Lobdell. Oh boy, I hope he's great since they left him for last! I can't wait!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #8 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wouldn't mind if Charles Soule wrote all of the comic books. The best review I can give Soule is that I would never use the word "contrived" when describing what he's doing. Even though all writing is inherently contrived on some level, Soule never makes it feel like he's pulling any shit out of a magic plot bag. The characters drive the scenes. And he seems to know just which scenes need to go in the story and which ones to leave out (sometimes! I think last issue he might have been a little overworked with all of his books and lawyerings because it was a bit light on the good stuff). He's a fucking natural at this shit.

Action Comics #31

Doomsday's penis is actually Clark Kent?

I fucked up. Last issue, I lauded DC for correctly pointing out that Doomsday was in the Arctic when Doomsday was seen strangling Polar Bears in the snow. But I should have known they'd fuck it up eventually because in Doomed #1, Aquaman (I think it was Aquaman) mentions that Doomsday has caused a 300 mile dead-zone in Antarctica. I suppose Doomsday could have also gone to Antarctica since he seems to have appeared all over the Earth for brief moments. But since DC has a history of not being able to tell the difference between the top of the Earth with the bottom of the Earth (decide for yourself which is which since, cosmically, top and bottom are irrelevant terms), I'm going to believe they fucked up. Also, when Aquaman says there is a 300 mile dead-zone in Antarctica, basically he means a lot of penguins are dead.

This issue begins with an article by Lois Lane. It's terrible but I'm going to cut her some slack because she's not in her right mind. Sure, her current mind is thousands of times smarter than her usual mind. But she's not in her right journalistic mind because she's preoccupied with helping Brainiac enslave humanity. So I'll let it slide that she used "effect" when she should have used "affect." Although Perry White isn't currently fucked up on Brainiac juice so I'm not giving him a pass on missing this! Surely he or his staff proofreads Lois's articles, right?

The article also shows the last shot of Superman after having ripped Doomsday in half with a photo credit by Jimmy Olsen. Hey! Guess who wasn't anywhere near Smallville when that happened?!

The issue begins with a few of Superman's friends and one fremesis coming to his aid in Smallville.

Are we just supposed to forget about that time Martian Manhunter turned against the entire Justice League? Will that story ever be told?

Putting Superman into quarantine after sucking down Doomsday's blood and viscera is probably a good idea. But since nobody trusts Lex Luthor or the American Government, Superman flees the scene. Batman, throwing caution to the wind, examines the sight of Doomsday's death without any kind of protective gear or a clean breathing apparatus. He then firebombs the entire sight to make sure nobody else comes into contact with the shit he just sucked up into his lungs. I'm sure he'll be okay. He's the Jeezly Crow Batman!

Superman has fled to Alaska to hang out with Krypto and beat up on some good ole boys flying planes, gettin' drunk, and shootin' wolves. Superman isn't feeling his normal self. Quite frankly, he's turning into an asshole. And, judging by the cover of Superman Loves Wonder Woman #8, he's turning into Doomsday.

Meanwhile, Steel is feeling a bit better after his run-in with Doomsday.

What is organic steel? A steel and carbon alloy? That shit isn't flexible!

General Lane approaches Steel with the task of getting Superman some help since Superman didn't trust Lex Luthor for some reason. Steel doesn't trust Lane but he might help out simply because Superman is his friend. Although bringing Superman back to Steel's Headquarters could be problematic since Metallo is incarcerated there. And Metallo is full of Kryptonite! Unless Ultraman snorted it all.

The issue ends with Superman not able to get into the Fortress of Solitude because he gave his keys away to Batman and Wonder Woman. Also because the Fortress doesn't recognize his DNA anymore. Probably because it's mostly Doomsday DNA at this point. And instead of calling the Justice League for help (because why would Doomsday do that?), Superman heads into Metropolis as Clark Kent and just pretends that everything is okay.

Action Comics #31 Rating: No change. This book needs more Krypto! Probably more Doomsday as well since it is called Doomed! and it is about Doomsday. I hope Lana Lang turns into Doomsdamsel since she stupidly took off her hazmat suit just to prove she believes in Superman.

Doomed #1

Time once again for "How can Superman be beaten? Sheer force, that's how!" Theater! Again!

Look, DC Comics. We all know Superman is the strongest and the most invulnerablest and the mightiest and the unkillablest super hero ever invented. Stop trying to make challenges to Superman about how hard something can hit him. Because if something can hurt Superman, that something is too unbelievable to exist even in comic books! You have to challenge Superman in other ways! Give him a really difficult Sudoku to finish before the sun explodes! Trap him inside the nastiest truck stop restroom you can imagine because a new brand of urinal cake has been made with kryptonite! Have Lois Lane tell Clark Kent to fuck off with his titty smothering gaze! I don't care what you do! Just do something other than Superman getting popped in the face and saying, "That actually hurt!" Or if you are going to have Superman feeling pain from punches and whatnot, please stop introducing him with idiotic phrases like he has been in the heart of suns and shit. If he can survive those kinds of pressures, nothing short of a collapsed star thrown at his head is going to faze him.

Oh! Maybe Doomsday is made out of collapsed star matter! No wait. If that were true, he'd collapse the Earth just by standing on it. I think. Somebody ask Neil deGrasse Tyson what would happen in that case! Or get out your Ouija Board and ask Carl Sagan.

The issue begins with Superman saving some pilots as they realize carpet bombing Doomsday was a bad idea.

Oh! His gravity pulled the planes apart, right? I bet Doomsday is made out collapsed red sun matter!

Superman heads back to the Fortress of Solitude to hide from Doomsday. While there, he's visited by "Doctor" Shay Veritas the Omniologist. She isn't supposed to be able to leave The Block due to some mix up with a black hole or some other stupid alternate dimensional stupid nonsensical stupidity but here she is anyway! The comic mentions she's "risked her life" to have left The Block. I'm fairly certain she shouldn't be able to leave The Block but you know comic books! Change past stories to suit present stories! Fuck consistency while paying lip service to continuity. Not that I care! I just hate "Doctor" Veritas for some reason I can't quite remember and just wish she'd stay in her hole in the center of the planet.

Oh no! Doomsday is even more powerful than ever!

As you can see from the panel above and my reaction to it, the tension has just been ratcheted up significantly. Doomsday was capable of killing Superman in his previous incarnation; now he's capable of super killing Superman! What is Superman going to do if he can't just punch danger into submission?! Will he have to use his...brain?!

No, I bet he still just finds a way to punch Doomsday into submission.

Learning that Doomsday has just killed thousands of people by just being near them, and knowing Doomsday is teleporting all over the world via the Phantom Zone, Superman's main concern is whether or not he can kill Doomsday without feeling guilty. Oh, boo the fucking hoo. Superman might have to kill to save people. What a moral dilemma! What a quandary he's found himself in! How will he be able to live with himself if he saves Earth by killing one creature?!

I bet we never find out because I bet Superman finds a way to not kill Doomsday. But even when Superman shoves some menace into The Phantom Zone, he's still playing God, isn't he? So who cares if he kills something or he just imprisons it for eternity somewhere where the creature barely exists? You eat burgers, right Supes? Just pretend Doomsday is a fucking cow and get on with it.

Mmmm! Double bacon Doomsday burger with cheese! I'm spraying the toilet bowl just thinking about it!

Meanwhile, I'd forgotten that Smallville had been quarantined because everybody caught a serious case of coma. So the guard isn't letting Lana Lang in. But he does allow Lois Lane through! He probably didn't want her reporting on the huge boner he popped when she drove up to speak with him. Lana hitches a ride on Lois's jeep and they ride in together.

It took me about three tries to read that last panel correctly. I kept thinking, "Why is Lois telling Lana to shut up?!"

Remember when Lana Lang was a mind zombie living inside of Superman's head? That was a story in The New 52 that we'll thankfully never have a resolution for because Superman is getting a better writer soon! And by "better," I mean anybody else on Earth (and possibly off Earth). I can't quite remember who the last writer was due to my Fleshpoint Accident, but I do remember that he or she was awful!

Meanwhile, Clark Kent has gone to the person he can most trust to lead him in the right direction considering the whole "Do I kill Doomsday?" question: J. Jonah Jameson! I mean, Perry White!

Look, I don't really know why Clark asks Perry about this. I guess Perry has become his substitute Pa Kent. Or maybe Ma Kent. One of those.

Superman should have asked Batman for advice since Batman has a no kill policy as well. And Batman would have explained exactly what Superman should do. He'd tell Superman to mortally wound Doomsday and then tie Doomsday to a fire hydrant, call an ambulance, and alert the police. If Doomsday dies, it's not Superman's fault! It's the fault of the medics and the police who didn't arrive at the scene in time or have the expertise to save him! Clean hands!

Back in Smallville, Lois is going around pretending to listen to people as she asks them questions but she's probably just reading everybody's minds and making them forget she was even there. She has super powers! And her super powers are why everybody in Smallville is in a coma! She's going to deliver these bodies to Brainiac so that the people of Colu can have bodies and she's going to get the scoop of a lifetime! She's so hyper-intelligent! Twelfth Level Hyper-intelligent, even!

Doomsday next appears in Africa near where Steel and his daughter are currently located. Steel dons his armor because he probably needs to die so that his daughter will take up the armor and be better at being Steel than he was. I mean, he's not going to defeat Doomsday by himself, right?! I don't think he can even get close because of Doomsday's Null Field! That's right! Steel's daughter Natasha (which is Ah! Satan! backwards. Except with the exclamation points. If I had a daughter, I would name her !Natas!ha) identifies Doomsday's weird ability to kill things at a distance as a Null Field. I've been watching Cosmos every Sunday and I totally agree with her.

Or maybe the Null Field is something else and it's just poison leaking out of Doomsday's face that is killing everything that gets near it. I still have a few episodes of Cosmos left to watch, so I don't know everything about the world yet! Sometimes I get things wrong!

Oh yeah, also Wonder Woman appears! And Superman isn't far behind! And now they will punish it with the power of love!

Except it slips out through a portal and disappears. At least Superman knows he doesn't have to worry about killing it now. He can always lie to himself and pretend that Diana delivered the killing blow when they finally are forced to take Doomsday's life.

The Justice League have a meeting to figure out what to do. They just saved the planet (or will as soon as Forever Evil #7 is published) and now they have to worry about saving it again! Lex Luthor Skypes in with his plan: Superman should fucking get the fuck out, motherfucker. And Superman agrees, of course. The battle between Superman and Doomsday needs to take place far away from Earth or Earth is going to take another one right in the ass. And her ass is still sore from the Criminal Syndicate and the Anti-Monitor (or Darkseid (or whatever chased them to New Earth)) having their way with it. The rest of the Justice League are just going to continue doing clean up which shouldn't be too hard since they still have their Forever Evil Clean-up Chores List.

"DOn't get too excited"?! But a three-way is way more exciting than these two just rubbing buttholes. Is that how gay men have sex?!

Superman finds Doomsday when Doomsday next reappears and takes him to Venus where he melts him with his heat vision. I only know it's Venus because a title card said, "VENUS!" Otherwise, it didn't look like Venus at all. There were no jungles or gigantic man-eating plants or half-naked alien jungle women or anything. So I guess that's it? Problem solved! The end! The other three chapters must be Superman dealing with having murdered a monster and crying to his therapist. But first he has to head back to Smallville to tell Lana that everything is okay now.

Whoops!

This time, Superman has to rip Doomsday's arm off, Beowulf and Grendel style! Doomsday dissolves into a cloud of purple toxins and Superman falls to his knees and weeps like a child.

Doomed #1 One Shot Rating: This was entertaining enough for yet another Superman story where something super strong attacks him and he can barely find the strength and resources to defeat the enemy by punching it a lot. The real story should be in the three chapters that follow this story. I don't know if Doomsday will be back or if the purple shit Doomsday spread all over the place is going to turn people into Mini-Doomsdays or if Superman is going to just mope and kick cans because he's sad that he had to kill. I bet at least a few people get punched in the face though.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #2

At first I thought Wonder Woman and Supes were teaming up with Apollo and Hades and Artemis but, after a fifth glance, I think the couple is merely surrounded.

I guess Doomsday won't be that big a deal since the cover shows the Power Couple have moved on to another crisis. Unless all the Gods are rushing in to help them fight Doomsday! Ha, what a silly thought. More likely, they see their chance to beat Wonder Woman down while she's against the ropes.

At the end of last issue, Wonder Woman was face to face with the scariest monster she's ever seen (and she's seen just about every one listed in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual, 1st Edition). Its name is Doomsday, for some reason. If I ever have a child (totally hypothetical situation! Kids are time vampires and money-grubbing parasites filled with disease and whining. Ugh. Who wants any of those hanging around the house? Somebody should market a product that keeps them away), I would name it Doomsday. Or maybe I'd name it Judas and give it the middle name Doomsday. Judas Doomsday Tea. What a beautiful girl she'd be.

This issue begins with Doomsday breaking both of Diana's arms. Enh. What is it all the nerds have said multiple times in their lives? "It's only a flesh wound."

Oh yeah she has other weapons! Use your feminine wiles! I mean, your intelligence!

Instead of using any weapons she keeps hidden on her body, Wonder Woman allows herself to be saved by Superman. Somehow. It's another one of those storytelling moments that Tony S. Daniel just doesn't lay out very well. I think, maybe, Superman blasts Doomsday with heat vision so powerful that it boils away a huge swath of the ocean. Perhaps the purplish glow that suddenly surrounds Doomsday is a result of Wonder Woman's feminine wiles. Anyway, after the ocean looks like it has a gigantic gash cut into it and Doomsday glows purple, Superman swoops in and lifts up the boat and flies it to land. With Doomsday on it? Really, Tony S. Daniel, you do know what comic books are supposed to be, right? Their best feature is the way they express time. And yet you love to draw gigantic panels of well-muscled super heroes which don't help the reader understand shit.

Back on land, hopefully somebody will say something that explains what the fuck just happened.

Really? That's what happened? Tony S. Daniel, you need to take some remedial comic book classes with Scott McCloud.

Superman takes Wonder Woman back to the Fortress of Solitude where he shows her a Phantom Zone lineup. Wonder Woman points out Doomsday as the creature that attacked her and Superman shits himself. So he knows the history of Doomsday and General Zod and their attack on Krypton. But now I'm confused about The New 52 Death of Superman. What killed him? If Wonder Woman doesn't know about Doomsday and Doomsday has been in The Phantom Zone and Superman is afraid of Doomsday escaping one day, what the fuck killed Superman in The New 52? Has that been revealed and I just forgot about it? Was it Jimmy Olsen and is Superman Unchained taking place in the past?!

Diana realizes how frightened Clark is of Doomsday, so she takes him shopping for some armor built by a god. Not Jesus! Hephaestus. He agrees but only because Superman could probably knock his teeth down his throat. While they're negotiating a deal, Strife and Apollo drop by to judge their sister's new boyfriend.

Apollo's teeth, have you had the honor yet of meeting Apollo's throat?

To my surprise, Superman actually keeps his fists in his pants. Um, so to speak. I was completely ready to go off on how can a being as powerful as Superman go about his daily life having a temper that causes him to lash out and punch people in the face whenever he gets the chance at smacking someone who can handle his strength. And then he goes off and just talks rationally to Apollo. Dammit, Charles Soule! How dare you write Superman the way he's meant to be written!

I may have given Superman a bit too much credit on the "talks rationally" call since I hadn't read this response yet. But at least he's threatening and not just outright face punching.

Superman still thinks of Wonder Woman as somebody whose honor he needs to protect. I suppose he's still got quite a bit of the machismo left which he needed to survive high school in a small town farming community where men worked hard in the fields sweating with their shirts off while women hid behind hay bales masturbating furiously to the men's glistening, exposed skin. That's what Midwest life is like, right? At least that's how Willa Cather portrayed it.

Apollo, being an arrogant god (as opposed to arrogant mortal which, after I think about it for a second, is pretty much the same fucking thing anyway), believes the fight is over after he lays out Superman with one punch. But Superman doesn't stay down. Getting knocked down by a punch doesn't mean shit. It's the getting back up again that counts. So Superman returns the favor and Apollo gets a bit pissed off that some upstart alien decided to lay his hands on the sun. So he, you know, brings out the big guns!

Is this ironic like the way ironic is supposed to be used or is this ironic like 10,000 spoons on your wedding day ironic?

Superman's next move is to grab Apollo by the shirt collar and throw him straight up through the top of Mt. Etna and out past the galactic rim somewhere. I don't know much about the Greek God's power sets but I hope Apollo can get back home once he passes out of range of the sun. Which is him. Or something. Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

I'm not sure Strife wears panties but even if she does, I'm sure they're made out of stern, unruinable stuff.

Meanwhile in the Sahara Desert, Zod has also managed to escape from The Phantom Zone. Lame. I was hoping the next escapee would be Nam-Ek.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #2 Rating: +3 Ranking. Goddammit. Who wants an attorney to be able to handle DC's comic book characters so well? Not my jealous ass, that's for sure! But damn am I happy to have Charles Soule aboard the DC Writer's wagon. I've loved that Azzarello's Wonder Woman has been mostly separate from the rest of the DC Universe. But Charles Soule has made the meeting of the two universes fun and worth the wait. He's approaching the relationship from a great angle by forcing the two lovers to deal with each other's family. Come on, you know the criminals trapped in The Phantom Zone are really all the "family" Superman has left. And it's not like they're any worse than Wonder Woman's siblings!

Doomsday #1

We are sick with time and this one struggles so. We did not realize corporeal, time-based beings have such an abundance of leaky orifices. We did not realize the maintenance involved. Nor did we realize the attachment this one, any one, all of the ones, would have to their fleshy encasement which only functions to drive them steadily to an eternity of nonexistence. But we shall persevere, for this one must be shown that not all things should be expressed and not all things should be known and one should be cautious not to express that which should not be known. But still, we are driven, compelled, to express our thoughts regarding this Doomsday, for we are now he and he is now us and we cannot see the ends nor the beginnings of us or the one.

The monster came for them. Many years ago, it came. It was a monster because it was of the other, not like them, unlike them, in purpose and in form. Perhaps it was ugly, perhaps it was not. It only mattered that it was the other and it had come, in their limited perception, in their ignorant opinion of its purpose, simply to destroy.

But destruction is not, in and of itself, a bad thing. Change is destruction and, for time-based beings, it happens continuously, constantly. For time-based beings, destruction is necessary for growth, death necessary for evolution. Permanency is stagnancy, failure. Among all the Kryptonian scientists, all of their geniuses, not one of them saw this truth. It was the military mind of Colonel Zod that perceived the beautiful truth of the monster.

The other.

Krypton was peaceful, stagnant, unmoving. The monster was not a curse. It was incentive. It was fury, yes, but it was also passion. The monster was a reminder that living was not simply getting on. It was fighting. It was surviving. Adversity and struggle were missing from Krypton and the monster showed them how much more they could be when challenged. Zod reveled in it. But in the end, Zod, and the monster, were deposited in a place where they could do no harm. They were phantoms in an unchanging, static world, much like the one from which they had been exiled. But now Krypton was changing, moving forward, dying. Zod and his monster could only watch, envious, unchanging.

There is more to the story, more for the monster and the future generations of the House of El, but why they are told here remains unknown. They are unnecessary to the story. They simply confuse, distract, make less of the story by engaging in prophecy and speaking of that which should be unknown. We shall ignore it for it is nothing but a lie to a child, a lie that change always results in the fantasy which we have been raised to believe. Good shall overcome. But good is not only events turning out the way we wished they would turn out. Good is subjective. Good is not necessary to evolution. Good is not desired by change. We especially know this for we grow weaker, sicker from time, although we would wish it were not so. But it is so, and so we must accept it. Unlike a little girl declaring reality a dream, we shall accept that we cannot exist within the confines of time. We shall vacate this organic shell. We shall return to the shadows.

Doomsday #1 Rating: But first we must participate in the Tradition of the List. We shall take this tradition back to ourself and share it. We will agree on all items on the list for there is no disagreement when we all share what we think at once. We will rank this permanent thought at #44.