Batman #50

Why is this an anniversary issue? Does DC not know how years work? Or weddings?

(If you want to know my thoughts on the Prelude to the Wedding story, you can read them HERE.)

I can't wait to get to the end of this comic book and think, "Well, that's that! Batman and Catwoman are now happily married and will be until one of them dies in a horrible bat-boating accident!" I'm overjoyed for them, taking this romantic step into a gloriously joyous future laced with dozens of annoying bat and cat babies! I hope Batcow gets to be the ring bearer!

The Joker has been trying to stop this wedding in every way he knows how because he wasn't invited. The big dumb-dumb should have just purchased a copy of this comic book like I did! It says I'm cordially invited right there on the cover! What does "cordially" mean, anyway? Doesn't it mean "injected with alcohol"?

Fact: Snickers' vampires grow their canine teeth in the wrong place. No wait. The fact is the artist of this piece is a dolt.

The story begins with Kite Man getting the crap kicked out of him by Batman and Catwoman because Tom King's hard on for Kite Man is legendary. It's so big and thick and veiny! I wonder what part of Kite Man Tom King likes best? Is it the kite part? Or the man part?

Batman and Catwoman decide to get married on the blood spot where Kite Man was defeated at the break of day. Because that's when bats and cats are most horny. It might also be the place least likely to have a Joker ruin it.

"Isn't it 'the' Joker, Grunion Guy?" you probably aren't now asking. But if you were, I might have to remind you that there are three Jokers in the DC Universe. Nobody has really elaborated on that too much. Maybe nobody was ever meant to. Perhaps it's just an easy way for DC editors to answer huge nerd critics of their comics.

Huge Nerd Critic: "How come the Joker wasn't act...."
DC Editor: "THERE ARE THREE OF THEM! CHRIST YOU NERDS ARE GETTING ON MY LAST TIT!"

Batman finds a judge for the marriage ceremony. His name is Wolfman and he's known as the Raping Judge. Not because he's into rape! That's a terrible thought and nobody should think it. It's because he's named after Marv Wolfman who is totally into rape.

Catwoman's witness for the marriage (her and Batman each get to bring one) is Holly Robinson. Not the Holly Robinson of 21 Jumpstreet fame (is she still famous for that? Or is she famous for marrying Barry Sanders?!) but the one that murdered all of those people who Catwoman was blamed for murdering. She has to break her out of Arkham for the experience. Batman should be totally cool with that and definitely won't be thinking, "What the hell?! How many times do I have to tell her, 'No crime! Bad kitty! You're going to be punished for sure!'" Then he'll think about her whip and smirk a bit and think, "Oh yeah. I see why she keeps doing crime now."

If you read that last paragraph and began developing a hot take on what I'm not saying around the words I am saying, just stop now. I'm just reporting what Batman was probably thinking. I'm not agreeing with his need to control Catwoman's thoughts and actions! That's all Bruce Wayne, baby!

The issue is made up of a lot of pin-ups by various artists. Laid out over the pin-ups are Batman and Catwoman's words. They're probably their vows but since I'm not done reading, that's just a guess. Anyway, the layout, where everything is kind of a mirror of the opposite page, is pure Tom King which probably pissed off all the Tom King haters. "He's just repeating everything in that way that means nothing except he's trying to be smarter than us! Why the fuck does he have to use form?! And tones?! And theme!? What's wrong with Batman punching stuff for eight pages straight?! So obnoxious!"

I began this review with the joke that the wedding obviously won't work out. This is comic books. Everybody read that initial paragraph and rolled their eyes and thought, "Yeah. We know this is a huge farce. It's going to end in disaster." But how many of you thought, "Grunion Guy probably really means what he's writing here. The big fag." First off, such language! Come on, imaginary reader. Be better! Second, I did mean it. I do mean it. I really hope that Tom King surprises us and he allows Batman and Catwoman to be happily married. Why not for as long as he's writing this book? Why can't they have part of their middle story be one where they get the joy of being together? Who is that going to harm?!

So now you know my secret. No, not that I'm a big fag! Sheesh. You people are terrible. I mean, yeah, that's my secret! But I wouldn't word it that way, you gross jerks.

Selina and Bruce have their big wedding kiss in the exact middle of the book which can't be a good sign for how it's going to end. I mean, they haven't had the wedding yet! They just get all dressed up and then meet, right in the middle, right there on the staples (okay, not exactly because the staples come the page before. But I blame an error in the layout of the advertisements. I see what you were trying to do, Tom King. I got you!). The big loving embrace. The big kiss in their wedding finery. The moment they knew was coming. And hopefully not the last moment they were happy. Don't you dare, Tom King, with your shitty mirror image story telling that everybody hates (I mean, not me! Just the dumb critics!), do that mirror thing with this story. Don't you begin hopeful, get to a middle that's the peak of happiness, and then descend into chaos, despair, and destruction! DON'T YOU FUCKING DO IT, TOM KING!

This is the page immediately after the big kiss (and the pin-ups, of course! Every two page spread of story is followed by two pages of pin-ups and wedding vows). Things are already tumbling down the story's climactic peak!

Of course Alfred is Batman's witness. Even Alfred knew it would be him but he was too polite to assume so he still gets emotional when Bruce asks him. Or, rather, casually tells him like it's no big deal.

On the subject of the pin-ups: they tell the story of Batman and Catwoman across DC's history. It even feels like, in many cases, they use artists chronologically along the way (there are obvious places where this doesn't hold up. But it, mostly, feels fairly close to the mark). They even eventually get to the New 52 on the roof sex scene, and the recent double date with Clark and Lois. It's really quite sweet.

The wedding vows have a lot to do with one partner's thoughts on the other partner's eyes. It's romantic but not in that way that makes me think, "Oh boy! At the end of these vows, they're going to declare their undying love for each other!" The tone feels more like they'll cause me to exclaim, "Oh no! It sounds like they're both reaching the conclusion that maybe they shouldn't get married! But they'll still probably keep up the tradition of fucking on rooftops!"

Also, I'm nearing the end and not a single whiff of Batcow.

As Selina and Holly head to the wedding, Selina mentions that she's currently writing Batman a letter. So that's what the "vows" have been. Her letter. And Batman's letter to her (I'm assuming on the next page which I have yet to read, he'll confess to Alfred that he's also been working on a letter!). Both of which, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, seem to be heading to the conclusion that neither one will want to go through with the marriage because they feel it will go against, and possibly change, the very nature of the other person. So. You know. Shit.

And so, Selina declares, in her letter, that she can't marry Batman because it will kill him. And Bruce declares in his letter, that maybe he can become somebody happy. Maybe he can change. Which isn't exactly what I expected. I thought they would both agree. So, at least, Tom King surprised me on that level. And, apparently, that was the point since Holly goes back to Arkham to discover Bane and a bunch of other people who have been highlighted in Tom King's run (along with Poorly Shaved Batman. I don't remember if that's somebody or if that's Batman and this is all a hallucination of some kind or maybe Tom King is speaking through Bane or maybe...well, I don't know!). Bane says, "The Bat is broken," (which is a terrific pun that somebody once thought up and now Batman writers can't stop using!).

Rating:: I guess giving Batman hope that he can be happy and then taking it away is supposed to break Batman? But isn't the whole point that Batman's unhappiness and grim misery and obsession over justice are the only things keeping him Batman? Won't this devastating loss just make him even more Batmanier?! Or do the members of Batman's rogue's gallery all believe he's going to become a pouting emo baby for the next few months? A total pushover which they can take advantage of?! Anyway, it was a good story well told. The only flaw was that the staples were off by one page. Stupid layout editor! Somebody should fire whoever's job it was to place the ads!

Batman #33

This issue of Batman was perfect.

Thank you, Tom King. Thank you, Joëlle Jones. Thank you, Jordie Bellaire.

Every comic book should be this comic book. But, you know, different. Like if it's Superman, it should star Superman and not Batman. But it should be the same in all the other ways!

Batman #33 Rating: My favorite issue of a comic book in quite some time. So much time! The amount of time is inconceivable! At least by cat standards. Those things don't know shit about time.

Batman #18

This is more erotic than Batman's rooftop humpfest with Selina.

I'm a romantic which is why I use phrases like "rooftop humpfest" and "finger banging."

We should now be viewing the Make America Great Again hats as sarcastic commentary, right? I mean aside from viewing them as the new white nationalist headgear. Although the white hood was actually less trashy than that cap. Obviously Trump isn't making America great in any semblance of the word. He's doing exactly what he convinced the idiots who voted for him the democrats would do. He's simply fucking working class people while he romances corporations. For the life of me, I'll never understand why working class Republicans trust corporations over the government. They do know that they can't vote out CEOs, right? If a corporation does something evil, you need the government to slap them on the nose with a rolled up copy of the constitution. I suppose you could also firebomb the corporation's headquarters but since you've only voted in pro-corporation Republicans, they've probably made it illegal to burn corporate buildings. Fascists. If corporate money is free speech, why isn't setting buildings on fire?

I’m trying to be interested in Batman but my anger at white working class Americans who don’t fucking know how anything works and are just bitter that there might possibly be an ethnic person receiving some kind of benefit from the minuscule amount of taxes they’ve paid that they’d rather just do away with any kind of government benefit won't let me. You would think crushing public schools would have turned them around but being that, as I pointed out and didn't cite sources because it's just such obvious information, they don't know how anything works, they probably think school vouchers means their kids get better schools and they get a tax rebate. This is, of course, nothing new. White people's heads have been exploding ever since Affirmative Action was touted as a means to push back against systemic racism. I can't even wrap my head around how many of them espouse the theory that they're Christian when their main political beliefs amount to Fear of Welfare Queens. I'm an atheist and I'm more understanding than these assholes. You don't look at the tiny percentage of people who cheat the system to prove that a system is failing. You look at how many people are helped by it. You don't remove a benefit to society because a few people abuse it. What you do is try to ensure that the system works in a way to make it hard to abuse and then assume that a certain percentage of people will always be able to abuse it, no matter what you do. The answer to your incomprehensible rage at people cheating the system is to stop thinking about the people cheating the system. It is not to burn the whole fucking thing down. Because, as I pointed out earlier, that's probably illegal! Stupid fucking anti-arson government.

Let's get back to Batman. I feel like I just breezed by that bit where the Robins were hanging in the Batcave. I made a few jokes about it and just moved on. But are Batman and Robin fans supposed to simply accept that Bane and his coterie of hotel staff themed villains were able to easily take down Nightwing, Robin, and the Dumb One? I'd like to give Tom King the benefit of the doubt but then I remember I gave Scott Snyder the benefit of the doubt for quite awhile after he invented the Court of Owls and look where that got us: All Star Batman. Ugh. We can't let Tom King get so far up his own Batman creator ass that he believes any decision he makes in pursuit of his plot is a reasonable decision. Aside from Bane and his cronies defeating the Robins (including the Dumb One), he apparently knows the location of the Bat-cave and has access to it. Was that Preboot Canon? It definitely wasn't Prebirth canon (Prebirth being the continuity between the start of The New 52 and the start of Rebirth). Sometimes, Tom King, coming up with a cliffhanger isn't worth shitting all over basic knowledge of the DC Universe. Let's pretend the Dumb One wasn't even in the equation. Dick and Damian alone could have at least fought Bane to a standstill. Maybe the Jokerized fries at Batburger really were toxic and Bane just found the Batkids lying sick in an alley.

Looks like Bane's back on the dope! Plus we're finally getting a story about Mommy Issues! About fucking time, DC. I've had it up to my prostate with Daddy Issues.

King gives us a little back story on Bane and Bruce to set up the conflict. After they both lost their mothers tragically (which totally makes them the same person who experienced the same trauma and thus are the same except for the next difference that I'll be getting to outside of this parenthetical reference), Bruce was sent to live in a mansion with a butler where he could become a responsible, strong, obsessive man with a death wish while Bane was shoved in an oubliette that flooded daily where he could become a psychotic drug user with a Mexican wrestling fetish. See? They'd be samesies if it weren't for Bruce's privilege. I hope he acknowledges it in his encounter with Bane so everything will then be okay and they can become friends. Although I assume Bane will just say something like "So what? Now you deserve an ally cookie?!" or maybe just break Batman's face.

Both young Bruce and Bane are really fucking into their mothers. It's creepy. Or is it normal? Is that how kids react when they lose their mother? I would have thought there would be more drinking and piñatas.

No, you're a drug addict in a luchador mask. Your past is no more compelling than any of the other people you're currently denigrating and writing off.

So Batman's entire plan to distract Bane for five days is to get his ass beaten by him? For five days straight? This is going to go well. You know what might have been a good idea? Instead of asking Superman to babysit the Robins while they're in cryogenic stasis, maybe get Superman to put Bane in stasis for five days. No? I suppose there's less chance of a lawsuit kidnapping and restraining your children than doing that to a convicted criminal threatening you with death.

Bane says he's also not some rich boy playing dress-up. So I guess he does know Batman's secret identity and thus the location of the Bat-cave. I can't keep straight who knows and who doesn't know. Why should Batman even care at this point? Enough people know that the information is probably all over the Internet in hilarious meme form.

Bane beats the shit out of Batman but Batman refuses to give Psycho Pirate back to Bane. So Bane tells Room Service to kill the hostages. Uh oh! Batman better have a back-up plan! Like how he could have had that Superman back-up plan I mentioned earlier.

Oh come on! Who didn't think he had a back-up plan? Show of hands? See? No hands! I mean, I couldn't see them even if there were any but I'm certain their weren't any. Mostly because even if some of you thought he didn't have a back-up plan and this series was about to end, you'd probably be too embarrassed to admit it.

Get it?! Cats beat birds! Duh! It's evologic! That's a combination of evolution and logic, in case you're one of those dum-dums who occasionally and accidentally read one of my reviews.

Catwoman has strung up Room Service, Housekeeping, and Night Clerk back in Bane's safehouse and clawed "I am cat" into their chests. Then Batman heads into Arkham and Bane follows him. Good for Bane! He never even stops to say that stupid thing about it probably being a trap and then going in anyway. He just kicks the motherfucking door down and gets on with it.

The Ranking!
No change! I almost gave it a +1 because it ended so well with Catwoman's flexing line that I was all positive and upbeat about it. But then I remembered all the flashback sequences with Bruce and Bane saying, "Mommy this!" and "Mother that!" Fuck that shit. It was annoying.

P.S. I just noticed I didn't complain about David Finch's inability to draw the mouth of a man this issue. So, um, good job, Dave? I guess?

Batman #15

This is the worst cover of an issue where Catwoman and Batman fuck.

• Last issue, Batman and Catwoman fucked. On a rooftop covered in diamonds. You could see Selina's ass and everything, if you got out a microscope (which you probably already had so you could find your tiny penis which you were totally going to beat off (if you are a woman then you probably don't have a penis. Or a microscope)).

• I know, you think I totally erased trans women in that last bullet point. But I said "probably"!

• This issue begins with Bruce and Selina naked on a roof. It's much better than that time they fucked in Catwoman #1 written by that guy from Road Rules: San Francisco. In that one, Selina's boobs and vagina were hanging out of her costume while Batman was still nearly fully dressed. Although in this one, Mitch Gerads might have forgotten who he was drawing.

I don't think that's Selina!

• Catwoman tells Batman she loves him. Batman tells Catwoman he loves her. And I just remembered it's Valentine's Day! What a perfect day to read this! Because I love reading comic books while eating a fucking ton of chocolate!

• Batman and Catwoman call each other Bat and Cat, respectively. Or not respectively. Whatever. Anyway, I think they should just call each other Man and Woman.

• Faced with going to prison for life, Catwoman flees Batman. She gets away because she puts on her costume quicker than he puts on his. They also leave a roof covered in diamonds. I bet Alfred has to go retrieve those later. Wearing latex gloves, of course. They're probably covered in sex juice.

• Now instead of proving he's the World's Greatest Sex-tective (again), Batman has to find clues to his new case: The Case of Missing Out On More Poontang. He needs to solve it before the cops solve it or else they'll lock up his chances at having more sex.

• Batman gets his throat slashed because he's in love. That's why he can't be in love! He's not a good Batman when he's in love. But Catwoman saves him because she's in love. That's why she can't be in love! She could be free but she comes back to save Batman! These two!

• The woman who slashed Batman's throat is the woman who killed the 237 terrorists responsible for burning down the orphanage. So maybe Batman's a better detective than I thought!

• Catherine Turley, aka Holly Robinson, aka the woman who murdered all of those people Catwoman supposedly murdered (but didn't just like I said, right from the beginning, that she didn't do. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, you unfaithful jerks!), flees Gotham. And Catwoman flees justice. But then, why would Batman try to put her in Blackgate now? Sometimes you just have to say, "Fuck Jim Gordon." I mean, "Fuck the law!"

• The issue ends with some corny line about Catwoman stealing the night or something.

The Ranking!
No change! For being a Valentine's Day comic book, it wasn't romantic at all!

Batman #14

Batman? More like Fuckman, amirite?!

I wish Batman were alone in that alley so I could have written, "Batman? More like Masterbateman, amirite?!" Okay, fine. It doesn't really work! But I wanted to type it anyway!

I have never wanted children but lately I've been thinking about how nice it would be to have kids. Mostly because I know at a certain age, they'd find Dad's "writing" and maybe enjoy it as much as I do. And by certain age, I mean like 43 or something. This shit ain't for children!

Oh, yeah! By the way, young people reading this. It is inappropriate for you to be reading this because I might reveal that Santa Claus doesn't exist or that you came into this world because your dad put his penis in your mother's vagina, and subsequently disappointed her greatly.

This issue begins with Batman giving Catwoman the good news: she only has life without parole now instead of the death penalty! Hooray! Instead of ending her pain and suffering quickly, Batman has assured that she'll endure it for possibly fifty more years! What a sweetheart!

Catwoman doesn't care about Batman's revelation because she won't stay in prison for long anyhow. Plus, she just wants to bang the fuck out of him right now. The sex scene is on a double page spread so I can only scan part of it:

Sexay!

Before Catwoman will consent to fuck Batman, she demands that she be free for the night. It's not much to ask for somebody who is going to spend the rest of her life in Blackgate prison. Although it smells like a trap! Cats are tricky and sneaky and manipulative and picky! Don't trust her, Batman!

Batman's dick is all, "Trust her, Batman!" Stupid Bat-dick. Always saying the wrong thing.

Gordon is a fucking cockblocking son of a prick.

Batman has been alerted to The Clock King making trouble. But he's not making trouble for Gotham. No, he's got a plan to defeat Batman. I don't get it. Why poke the Batman with your Clock Stick? Criminals should be trying to avoid facing off against Batman. At the very least, by avoiding Batman, they can be assured their health insurance premiums won't be going up next month. But Clock King, being the king of clocks, has figured out how Batman will react to anything he does in the next four hours. Clock King could play chess with Batman and beat him! I know, it seems silly that a guy who is good with clocks somehow, suddenly, has the powers of that guy and his sci-fi science in The Foundation Trilogy. But little does Clock King know that he's already going to face his first Mule: Catwoman!

Nerds will get that reference. Bigger nerds will point out how the reference doesn't really make any sense. Give me a break! I haven't read The Foundation Trilogy in thirty years. THIRTY FUCKING YEARS!

Batman and Catwoman spend the rest of the night punching criminals in the face instead of fucking. Maybe they fuck between all the punching. Maybe every panel which shows the Bat-Signal going off in the sky is a metaphor for one of them having an orgasm. Maybe the punching is also a metaphor for Batman giving it to Catwoman good!

After the punching and Bat-Signals, Catwoman decides it's time for her to get some pleasure.

Oh yeah. These are metaphors alright!

The place Catwoman is breaking into is a place she owns. She steals her own stuffed cat full of diamonds to give to Batman. When she's gone, she won't need them. She wants Batman to build a fuck palace. I mean an orphanage. I don't know how I confused the two types of places, especially since one of them doesn't really exist.

After Catwoman tosses the diamonds all over the roof, the actual fuck scene takes place. It's only one page so I could scan it if I wanted to. But I'll just scan a small part of it so that you can really concentrate on the finer details.

I was going to scan the Bat-Signal because I established earlier what that was a metaphor for. But then I thought, "I want to see these two fucking close up and my scanner will magnify the scene!"

The Ranking!
+1! How can I keep giving this comic book +1 Rankings every issue?! It's going to be my favorite comic book soon and I'm not sure that's true! I like it a lot. A FUCKING LOT! And I suppose if I eventually declare this comic book better than The Sheriff of Babylon, Tom King probably won't get his feelings hurt. But can I declare it's better than The Flintstones by Mark Russell which I truly adore in so many ways?! Well, thankfully I don't have to worry about that just yet!

Speaking of The Sheriff of Babylon, Mitch Gerads did the art on this story! I bet Tom King was all, "This story is about a cat. Those cats in Sheriff were pretty fantastic! I should try to remember what lowly shit artist worked on that with me and get him for this!" And then he did! Great job, Mitch! I appreciate you even if Tom King treats you like garbage which he probably does even outside of my imaginings.

Catwoman: Election Night #1 (Take Two!)

Come save us, Corndog Girl!

After yesterday's election fiasco, here's the problem with Meredith Finch's Catwoman story that I completely ignored. She's part of the media (only a comic book writer, sure, but still part of the media! Just, you know, a tiny part!) who decided to spread a dangerous message which completely worked. That message is that both candidates are terrible. But not only are they both terrible! The one that everybody knows isn't even fit for the office is only terrible because he's a swindler and a real estate scammer. Finch portrays the female candidate, the obviously more electable candidate as not just being a crook but a murderer. The media portrayed Hillary as a criminal and Trump as electable. Why is anybody surprised the anti-intellectual base of our stupid fucking country believed that shit? How do we impeach the media?

Thinking about this story a little bit more as well, why the fuck would one secret murder ruin the female candidate's chances of winning when everybody already knows that The Penguin has committed dozens or hundreds of murders himself! His umbrella fires bullets, for God's sake! I guess it's okay if a man does it but a woman committing murder, and when she's underage and not yet fully formed? That cannot stand!

Man, I knew Meredith Finch's story was going to be sexist before even reading it, I just didn't realize where it was on my first pass through the story because, as a dumb guy with no issues at all, it wasn't on my radar. It took seeing that the majority of Americans would rather elect as president an unfit Oompa-Loompa who, based solely on the way he speaks, is not an intelligent man than an experienced woman who would easily have kept this country prosperous.

Even white women failed to do the right thing in this election. It looks like we've got a bigger fundamentalist religious problem in this country than I would have thought.

We also have a whiny bitchy problem on the left. Conservatives go out and vote for their candidate no matter how shitty the candidate is. Liberals apparently take their Primary ball and go the fuck home. The left is full of entitled assholes who pout and scream when they don't get their way. I voted for Bernie Sanders because I want to see the Democratic Party move further to the left than it is (not so far as the Republicans have moved right. Although at this point, the two-party system is like a fat kid on one end of a see-saw while a skinny kid sits nearly on top of the crossbar on the other side. We need a fat kid on both sides at this point). But I still voted for Hillary because she was the candidate that made sense out of all of the stupid candidates on the stupid ballot. Hell, I could have voted for anybody I wanted to, being in Oregon, and I still voted for Hillary because it was the right thing to do for this country.

I'm less concerned about Trump being president than I am about both halves of Congress being majority Republican. If y'all were gonna go out and protest vote the president, you could have at least been responsible enough to not give the Republicans the entire fucking game board.

Catwoman: Election Night #1

Dammit. I only picked this up because I thought it said "Erection Night."

• I'm skipping ahead in my stack of comics to read this before it is no longer topical. It would be weird to read this three weeks from now when nobody wants to be reminded of the election. Not that anybody wants to be reminded of it now! Can you believe how the people voting for that one person can actually live with themselves?! It's shocking!

• That's enough of my intense, biting political commentary! I'm just going to read this comic book now about a sexy sex kitten who can't get enough bat-dick.

• For some reason, the story begins when Selina Kyle is a little girl which means she's missing her best two features!

• Selina is living in Miss Kitty's Home for Wayard Girls, an orphanage where she pretends a cat named Ali is her best friend. They hang out in the laundry room trying not to get adopted or beaten up by the ugly orphans. It doesn't work. The ugly orphans find her anyway.

• That's enough of the flashback! It's time for Tits in Tight Leather. That's my secret name for Catwoman that I never tell anybody because I don't want them to think I'm sexist. Is it sexist to view a fictional character as a sex object? I mean, she is just an object in that she's a drawing on paper! And that object is definitely sexy because my pants are suddenly too tight in the front.

• Catwoman with her two best features appears on the credits page and I'm less interested in Catwoman's best features than I am in the credits. Not because I see Meredith Finch is writing this story and now know that I'll be wasting the next hour of my life reading something she wrote. No, what really excites me is that I don't see Russell's name in the credits but his name was on the cover. And you know what else was on the cover? A Prez billboard! Which means, using my super duper sleuthing skills taught to me by my Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Home Course classes, Mark Russell must have written a Prez back-up story for this Erection Day Special! I think plowing my way through an inane and probably sexist Meredith Finch story might be worth it to get to the chewy Corndog Girl center!

• In the present, Catwoman is busy beating up one of the Penguin's henchmen who was trying to steal from Miss Kitty. What a hypocrite she is!

Hey! A cat's tongue is no joke! Many times, my cat Judas licked my arm raw in his overzealous taste tests!

• The next day, Catwoman picks up her copy of the Gotham Gazette which she apparently subscribes to. She also feeds Ali the Cat who is still alive somehow. He looks pretty fucking beat up, so he's probably twenty or so. You know how you can tell a cat is old just by glancing at it because it's gotten to that point where it's all, "Fuck it. I've licked myself clean with my tongue for my entire life. What the fuck do I care what I look like now?" Also, their meow becomes the sound of rusting metal scraping across more rusting metal. Sometimes they're almost blind so you can get them to run into table legs by calling them and snapping your fingers right next to a table leg. I mean, if you were a big jerk, you could do that! Who would even think of something like that? Poor kitty!

• In the Gotham Gazette is a story by Vicki Vale where she typed "ormally" instead of "formally." I hope she got fired. Oh, the article is about The Penguin running for mayor. Didn't I already see this story on that terrible Gotham television show? Is The Penguin also super gay for The Riddler in this?

• Riddle me this, Riddler: What's black and white and sucks dick all over?!

• Catwoman comes to the conclusion that The Penguin's run for mayor has something to do with Miss Kitty because of course everything is about her. The unfortunate thing for me and my commentary is that, this being a comic book by a mediocre writer, she's probably absolutely right. I don't like stories where the main character knows what's going on at all times from the fewest clues life throws at them! Life is not this easy! It's why my favorite author is Philip K. Dick! Because his theme is usually "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! HOW DO I LIFE?!"

• The Penguin speaks exactly like Donald Trump and is really concerned about putting a wall up around Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls. This is lazy satire. I can't wait to get to the Prez story! That one will be full of brilliant satire! And Corndog Girl!

• Back in the past, Selina learns that she's not supposed to hate jerks who cut up your face with a box cutter. You're supposed to go, "You know what? I don't know why that bitch tried to kill me, so how can I judge?"

• Fuck you, Miss Kitty.

• The Penguin's plan is apparently to build a wall around Gotham City to keep out all the Narrows riff-raff and suburbanites. But he also plans to knock down Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls! Selina was right! This election really does affect her and the things she cares about! I guess now she'll vote for The Penguin's opponent and he'll lose and everybody will celebrate the democratic process! Right?

• Constance Hill is The Penguin's opponent and she vows to do whatever it takes to beat The Penguin! So, like, she's going to campaign and shit? Or is vowing to do whatever it takes in front of Catwoman her whole plan? "Hey, Catwoman! We must win because I build bridges and not walls (I totally just made that up right now myself! So clever, right?! Okay fine! Somebody else said it first! But who can tell who, so it's kind of mine, right?!) So I'll do whatever it takes to win, if you get my meaning! Do you get my meaning? You're a thief. People steal elections? Do you need more hints?!"

• My guess is that Catwoman will discover an embarrassing thing about The Penguin (like how he's really still a big fat gay criminal!) and then expose the truth which will cause everybody to vote for Constance Hill in a landslide. As if voters care about truth!

Did Catwoman just give that guard a handy to get into the casino?! He doesn't look very pleased about it!

Batman is waiting for Catwoman in an empty room of the Iceberg Casino. He's also super jealous. He's all, "What took you so long? What are those stains on your gloves I'm picking up through my Bat-Semen-Detecting Goggles?!" Actually, it kind of looks like Catwoman's suit is covered in semen stains.

What's up with this suggestive dick-sucking framing?

• At first I thought Batman and Catwoman were working together on something. Why else would Batman be waiting for her inside the casino? It's the only thing that makes sense, right?! Nope. Batman is just trying to stop Catwoman from doing things Catwoman's way. AGAIN! Doesn't this fucking jerk get it yet? He might be able to control all the little orphans he adopts but why does he keep thinking he can tell a grown-ass woman how to live her life?! Why's he always trying to Daddy her? And I don't mean in a sexy way. Wait. Is it sexy to call some guy Daddy when you fuck him? Ugh. I think I'm going to throw up.

• Batman hands over some of The Penguin's recent real estate transactions because he somehow knows what Catwoman was after. That's disturbing. The only conclusion is that he's bugged her Catsuit or her vagina. And why did he even need to show up to hand over the documents? Couldn't Catwoman have done it herself? And if he was planning on helping her with the documents, why the fuck was he waiting for her inside the casino?! Now Penguin might be on alert because people broke into his place!

• I suppose it's possible Batman was in disguise as the guard who got the handy. That would explain the guard's sour expression. So risking meeting Catwoman inside the Iceberg was the only way to get the handy and get her the information!

• The next flashback makes it apparent that one of the horrible kids became Constance Hill. And that she also murdered another horrible kid so that she could take the girl's place in her upcoming adoption. Which would also explain why she doesn't want Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls knocked down since they'll find the skeletal remains of her murder victim. So, once again, Catwoman was right because earlier she said she didn't trust Constance Hill, the perfect candidate!

• Is this story going to end with a big "VOTE FOR JILL STEIN!" banner?

• Catwoman has grown into her ability to jump to the perfect conclusion because as a kid, she was a complete fucking idiot. All of the evidence of murder were right in front of her and she couldn't put the pieces together. But when she sees one of The Penguin's henchmen fucking around outside Miss Kitty's and then sees he's running for mayor the next day, she immediately knows the two are connected!

• Now that Catwoman's an adult, she finally figures out the murder. You can't get anything past older Catwoman! Younger Catwoman though? Please. What an idiot!

• Catwoman breaks into the debates to destroy all of the candidates. She's in a hurry this time so she trades handies for kicks to the face and the tired old "cat got your tongue" line.

• Catwoman exposes Constance's decade old murder and Batman exposes The Penguin's shady real estate dealings and nobody becomes mayor. But Batman does get a good idea to make more money buying up properties!

• The story ends with Corndog Girl living in Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls, for some reason. Continuity be damned! This probably works or something. Whatever, it's a segue!

• Next up is a Prez story by Mark Russell called "Trigger Warnings". Shouldn't there have been a Content Warning before using the term Trigger Warning?

• Remember when I said there would be brilliant satire in the Prez comic? I take that back! It's lacking in subtlety and the humor doesn't quite make up for the bluntness of the message. Maybe it was tweaked so that the typical voter would understand the message. What good is satire if audience bias can simply interpret the story however they want?

• So after the more guns is dangerous and confusing segment, we get the men discussing women's health issue bit.

It's still screaming to the choir but at least it's funnier.

• Juxtaposing the two issues of gun control and legislating women's bodies winds up being much smarter than I realized. Mostly because I'm stupid and stubborn. So when you write a story showing how dumb open and carry is and make it super obvious that it's dumb with a lot of dumb characters, I just want to think, "Duh! That's dumb!" But then when you sit the issue of guns and how many people die from them and how Congress will do nothing about it right up next to women's health issues like birth control and abortion, issues which Congress are stampeding to legislate, I finally see the genius of the story. Again, though, not like this isn't shit that isn't super obvious to the people who agree with it.

What?! But that sounds like a Win/Win Situation!

• After finishing the story, I'm super sorry that I ever doubted Mark Russell's ability due to the lack of subtlety in the gun nuts shooting up a burger joint scene! Everything wraps up in such a way that I'm super jealous of Mark Russell and might have to one day stalk him, kidnap him, and shove him in the well I've dug in the basement. Can people exist only on semen caught on their tongue like snowflakes?

The Ranking!
I'm not ranking this! Are you crazy?! It's a one-shot! It'll clutter up my rankings! Also, I forgot to add Nightwing to the list! I should fix that!

Catwoman #52

Did Inaki Miranda forget that New 52 Catwoman's zipper was broken and could never zip all the way up?

The Review or Whatever!
Let's all give Frank Tieri a hand for taking on the responsibility of putting this cat down. It's been sick for a really long time. Maybe that's why Tieri's stories have been so bland and uninteresting. His style of storytelling is supposed to suggest the act of euthanasia! Damn, he's smarter than I gave him credit for! What a brilliant way to end Catwoman! Just bore everybody reading it until they gently fall asleep forever.

Catwoman's ex-boyfriend from her late teen years was introduced to the readership about one issue ago. He was apparently killed by Black Mask's father and the readers all went, "Oh. Okay. Whatever." Then it was revealed that the new leader of the False Face Society, White Mask, was actually Selina's old boyfriend, David! I'm assuming everybody exclaimed at the same time while rolling their eyes, "OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS!" Look, writers. We've all had enough of the thing where you introduce a new character and then you introduce a new mysterious bad guy and then they wind up being the same person. We get it. You can't introduce fifty new people every issue so that the reader won't be able to guess who the bad guy is. It's not like a movie where you can have a whole bunch of faces in the background and have them all speak one or two lines to the main character so that when the bad guy's identity is revealed, you can use the flashback of that one moment the hero interacted with them and have the hero go, "Oh my god! It was that minor nobody all along! GASP!" I suppose audiences are such that they feel cheated if a story has a mystery element that they never had a chance to guess. Even in the first season of True Detective, they had to have the casual run-in with the killer before realizing he was the killer. I prefer that a movie either acknowledge from the beginning who the killer is (Silence of the Lambs) or just let the identity of the killer be revealed when it's revealed without every needing to have shown the person earlier (I can't think of a movie that does this. Probably a bunch of paranormal slasher films?). Rarely have I found myself saying, "I knew it was the guy in the background tightening the bolts on the air conditioning unit in that scene where they were arguing about opening chess moves!"

Frank Tieri has decided that Catwoman should be a totally unlikeable character that nobody fucking cares about because he begins the comic with her crashing through a window while White Mask fucks two women (with his tighty whiteys still on, of course) and says, "So sorry to break up this little party, folks. Oh wait. I'm totally not." Really, Tieri? A not joke? I get that everything you write you've cribbed from some decades old source to help give your readers that feeling like they're slowly falling asleep in a folding chair while watching another school play where the kids shit all over the source material. Disrespectful bastards. Although now I kind of want to do an elementary school stage production of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. Um, anyway, should I be happy that Tieri at least updated the "NOT!" joke by making it sort of a #SorryNotSorry joke too? No, no. Of course I shouldn't.

I'm left thinking, "I can't believe they've been reunited after all these years! Or, you know, after he was introduced one or two issues ago!"

Several years ago (according to the prologue of this story, it was fifteen years ago. But that was obviously ridiculous, so now it's several years ago), Selina and David were forced at gunpoint to demand thirty thousand dollars in cash to steal the Faceless Mask for Dick Sionis. I mean, they were being held at gunpoint by Dick who wanted them to steal the mask or die and Selina demanded thirty thousand dollars and to not die. Dick, being an awful negotiator, accepted the deal. Although Selina, being an ever worse negotiator, didn't get any of the cash up front. I have a feeling she's not going to get paid and David is going to be killed.

I know he's not really going to be killed! I just scanned in a picture of him fifteen years older! I mean several years older!

Back in the present, a new artist must have taken over and nobody told them that David was in his underwear and Selina had the mask off and was holding the gun in her other hand and had a gigantic television screen in the background.

Black Mask and his men interrupt the reunion as do all of Selina's Narration Boxes. Her boxes provide the same information that is in the artwork so I can't imagine why anybody thought they were even needed. With an image of Black Mask standing behind Selina with a gun pointed at her head, why do I need Selina's Narration Box of "Black Mask is behind me with a gun pointed at my back"? I realize that the reader can see Black Mask holding a gun to Selina! I sort of get that you wanted everybody to know that Selina knew it was Black Mask before turning around. But you took care of that on the other page with the Narration Box: "I hear the voice and I don't even have to turn around." Then you show the panel with Black Mask standing behind Selina and everybody fucking gets it. We get it! We don't need the other fucking box!

I'm fucking sick of comic book writers who should probably be writing something else. Your words do not have to be plastered all over the comic book. Just write the story that the artist should draw and write the dialogue. Maybe write a few Narration Boxes if something needs clarifying, or you're doing something where the words are from present day Catwoman layered over scenes from the past, or at least for some reason other than you can't let a page go without your fucking precious voice being all over the finished product. The product, the story, is your voice! It's a collaboration between you and the artist! Stop making the art less important than your needless words. It's a fucking comic book! They've been around for like eighty years! Trust that there's a reason for their longevity! Take fucking advantage of the medium!

Back to the past, David and Selina steal the mask. They never get their money because David decides to threaten Dick Sionis for more and gets shot. I'm going to imagine Dick was never going to pay them anyway and this is how it would have gone down even if David had kept his dick in his pants. As David lays dying, Selina is forced to leave before the police show up. She storms off saying, "I love you, David." Oh. Well now I feel silly that I haven't given this story the weight I should have been giving it. I didn't realize Selina was in love with this guy! Now the emotional impact of it all is beginning to overwhelm me!

Back in the present, Black Mask realizes the end is nigh so he begins the comic book explication. David's death was faked because Dick Sionis needed somebody to run his criminal empire in Europe. And who better than a thief he doesn't know who tried stealing from him? Perfect! So he convinced David to ditch Selina and come work for him. Oh no! But Selina loved him! Such tragedy!

I wonder how many dozens of people in Dick Sionis's organization were miffed that he hired his new manager from outside the company? Not cool, man.

Black Mask allows Selina to leave David to die just like his father allowed her back in the past! And she does! Again! Ha ha! She leaves for the same reason as last time too! Because the David she knew and loved is dead. Then she steals the Faceless Mask on the way out because it was just lying around, I guess, and that's the end. Catwoman wins again! Black Mask loses like the loser he is! And I'm left hoping this really is the final issue of Catwoman. I can't imagine any of the New 52 books are going past Issue #52, right? I know what you're thinking right now, nerds! You're thinking, "Well, Detective Comics and Action Comics are!" Shut up.

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #4

I have no idea what this cover has to do with the story inside except that Catwoman is indeed in this issue.

The Review!
You know how you can tell if you're a narcissist? Well, first off you're probably not reading this because you didn't know it was going to be about you. But if you happen to be reading this for some reason, like maybe you're Amy Chu and you thought your self-esteem was healthy enough to read Internet comments about your work, or you're my mother who just happened to realize her son had a somewhat popular comic book blog on the internet, then maybe you'll learn something! You are a narcissist if you've ever been upset when somebody spells your name wrong or if somebody pronounced your name incorrectly after only having read it. Your name has never been on a list of words that people were supposed to automatically know how to spell or pronounce, you asshole. Get over your fucking self and stop thinking it's cute to Instagram photos of your name spelled wrong on Starbucks cups. You know when you have a right to be upset about your name being spelled wrong? On Christmas cards from your fucking grandparents. Instagram that shit and I might give a fuck. But when you mumble your oh-so-fucking-unique name to a clerk and they wind up getting it wrong, stop acting like they're so dumb. You're the fucking genius who somehow thinks everybody should know how to spell your stupid Goddamned name. By the way, Poison Ivy was mediocre at best.

Catwoman #51

Is this another book that's going to be taking cues from the current crop of DC television shows? Is Baby Catwoman going to be the focus of this story?

The Review
Catwoman has been bad since The New 52 began. Although when she wasn't Catwoman but Mafiawoman, she was actually well written. It's just I'm not comfortable thinking of Genevieve Valentine's run as part of the Catwoman series since she wasn't really doing much Catwomanning. I wouldn't say it's bad now but it's mediocre and underwhelming. But at least Tieri fills it with pop culture references so every few pages, I can think, "Hey! I get that reference. I'm so smart and filled with useless garbage."

The Commentary
I feel sick. I just saw the preview for Me Before You. I think it may have done some serious long-term damage to one of my more important internal organs. I suppose what the world needs now is a movie where a dying man teaches a girl who seems to be living life just fine how to really fucking live the fuck out of life. Because what an independent, carefree, cute, young woman really needs is a sour, grumpy, rich man in a wheelchair who only has six months left to live giving her the proper perspective on life. How is she supposed to live a full life if she's never fallen in love with a man who can offer her no future?! Although he is rich and dying so I might be wrong about offering her no future. He may in fact be offering her the greatest future in the world: financial independence at a young age without any intimate ties! After that commercial, there was a spot for the Ben-Hur remake and I seriously thought Morgan Freeman called the main character "Ben-Wa" before I realized what the movie was.

I also feel sick because my new downstairs neighbor seems to have taken the words of the little man from another place to heart. Whenever they're awake, they've got music playing and I can't fucking concentrate because I've got a thing about noise. That thing is that I don't like it when I'm not making it. It's weird that I can tune out any music or television the Non-Certified Spouse is enjoying but I get filled with a primal rage if I can hear anybody else's noises! That's probably a normal thing, right? Wishing that other people didn't exist? To drown out their music, I've got Graveyard of Horror on Comet TV playing at full volume. The worst part is they play music at night as well so now I think it's time to hook up the Dance, Dance Revolution to the television over their bedroom and completely fuck up their life. I'm nothing if not filled with the need for retribution against the slightest of transgressions against me.

This month in Catwoman, Black Mask's father is dying. And wouldn't you know it, Selina Kyle has a history with him and his involvement in secret societies! She must have been really young when she got involved in that mess, right? Like about the age she is in Gotham! If they're going to go through with this kind of flashback, there'd better be a roller rink sequence with her and Bruce Wayne.

The bonus story in Issue #50 proclaimed the story took place fifteen years in the past which was obviously ridiculous. That would probably have put Selina even younger than the age she is in Gotham and yet she was no more than fifteen and probably more like eighteen. This issue has a flashback to Selina at about the same age but proclaims it takes place "Several Years Ago". So somebody tried to straighten up that mess. Anyway, in the flashback, Selina and her brother are committing credit card fraud by using Dick Sionis's credit card. Unless maybe David isn't Selina's brother. They seem a bit too touchy-feely to be siblings. From my experience, siblings usually go their whole lives without touching in any way at all.

In the flashback, Selina and David sell a necklace to Louie who was overweight in the present so guess what? He's constantly eating! His entire character development in the flashback is about how he eats so much! And every shot of him, he's got a sandwich stuffed in his mouth. Ha ha! It's always so funny how writers have to point out that fat people eat! Usually, writers just allow the readers to assume certain things about characters. We assume they go to the bathroom even though it's rarely ever shown. We assume they breathe even if they rarely exclaim, "I'd better take another breath now before I die!" And we assume they eat and drink enough to maintain life functions. But if a character is fat?! Well, obviously they must be eating in every fucking scene. I thought this whole "fat characters must always be shown with their thoughts consumed by food" was a thing that went out sometime in the eighties. I just saw an episode of Mork and Mindy yesterday where two little girls came by to see Mork and one of them was pudgy. So what were her lines? "Do you have any ice cream you're not using?" And then she left the scene to spend most of it off-camera in the kitchen. The next time she appears, she's scarfing down a huge turkey leg and proclaiming that Mindy is out of some kind of food. I didn't commit it to memory because I didn't think I was going to mention it in a commentary. I know! My mistake! I mention everything in these stupid commentaries! Anyway, I guess some writers still think fat people are fat because they're constantly shoving food down their face, even in situations where they normally wouldn't be shoving food in their face. At the very least, they always have some food in their pockets that can be used to move the plot along.

Does Kyle have to carry his racket everywhere he goes? I doubt he'll find a tennis game in the woods.

In the present, Catwoman has decided to steal Dick's Faceless Mask but the False Face Society gets to it first. Luckily she's teamed up with Alice Tesla and has lots of new technology to work with. So of course she's got a mini-tracking device which she can stick on White Mask, the new False Face Society's leader (clever, right?! Black Mask. White Mask!), Batman style.

Once more, Frank Tieri can't go more than two pages without referencing something--anything!--from popular culture. So he makes sure to mention Field of Dreams because CORNFIELD! And then he makes sure to mention Eyes Wide Shut because GATHERING OF MASKED PEOPLE! He's so clever with the seventeen to twenty-seven year old references!

The big shocker is that White Mask is actually...DAVID?! Oh no! Not that guy I know nothing about who Tieri assures me means a lot to Selina!

Later Black Mask kills his father and a bunch of hospital staff in a big Sleepaway Camp shocker!

Catwoman #50

I didn't realize Catwoman's leathers were fireproof.

Rating: -1 Ranking.

I suppose for how convoluted the "Run Like Hell" story became, it's passable for a heist gone wacky story. The dialogue is for crap but the story allows Selina to get one over on Lex Luthor because it's her comic book. But forget that story. Let's talk about the back-up story, "Night at the Museum."

Was this a time travel story? Why did it take place fifteen years ago when the established timeline of The New 52/DC Youniverse is somewhere between six and nine years old? How old was Selina supposed to be in that story? Eight? By her looks, I'd say the minimum age she could have been was fifteen. So she's supposed to be thirty? I suppose that makes her age appropriate for Batman, right? Hell, Rebirth is coming so it doesn't matter anyway! The question I should be asking is "Why the fuck was this Origin of the Black Mask's Mask story in Catwoman?!" Even though I have no interest in more Black Mask stories, the next Catwoman story had better be about Catwoman and her relationship with this mask!

Catwoman #49

Killer Croc should be masturbating.

Rating: -3 Ranking.

Let me get this straight. The Penguin keeps his files he uses for blackmailing people on a flash drive inside an inaccessible location. And that inaccessible location is inside a fake diamond that's known as "The Job" to burglars and jewel thieves. Catwoman calls this "hiding in plain sight" instead of what it really should be called: fucking lunacy. But wait! There's more!

Catwoman does not discover that this diamond is fake because she has all sorts of super techno-goggle powers now. She doesn't realize it's fake because she's an expert at identifying precious gems and jewels. She doesn't realize it's a fake because she's had some experience with Black Diamonds not too long ago. No. She realizes it's a fake because Penguin and her client keep referring to it as an object. I'd quote Catwoman exactly and say they kept calling it "the object in question" but fuck me if I remember anybody calling it that exactly. Maybe Penguin did it last issue. Anyway, that's sort of the point. Even if that was her clue, not enough people have been awkwardly talking about the Frost Diamond as if it's not a fucking diamond.

Also the dialogue is terrible, especially when Tieri tries to write current Batgirl's attitude and lingo. I'm better at it and all I do is have Batgirl talk about how desperately she needs a cock inside of her. Which she probably totally does no matter how much DC Comics tries to pretend women don't like sex. Here's a secret: they do! Just probably not with you if you're a guy and you're into comic books because you are probably terrible at it.

Catwoman #48

This cover tells the potential customer everything they need to know about the book. It's Catwoman starring Catwoman. That might make Catwoman fans think, "Oh! I should by this!" But don't miss the other super secret information on the cover about Frank Tieri! That part says, "Don't buy this."

Rating: No change. This isn't really as bad as I was expecting with Frank Tieri writing it. The downside of that statement is that I expected a bordering on racist, possibly homophobic, almost certainly misogynistic story! So when it turned out it wasn't those things and it's just a bland story that's been told hundreds of times before in barely varying ways about a burglar who is double crossed and then has a hit put out on her, I was pleasantly surprised! Good job, Tieri!

Although the part where Tesla tells Selina she looks like Michelle Pfeiffer made me wince as I imagined the "I'm-too-fucking-clever-for-comic-books!" smile which most assuredly spread across Frank Tieri's probably really handsome and striking face (I decided to look him up since I've never seen him before and he looks like a combination between Brian O'Halloran and Henning Wehn). That part only got weirder as Inaki Miranda decided to draw Oswald Cobblepot like Danny Devito!

One more thought on the beginning of this book! Catwoman mentions how burgling in New York is dangerous because the cops are apt to just shoot you rather than do paper work. If that's the case, why did she hang around at the end of the last issue and risk being killed when she easily could have jumped back out the window which is what she did anyway after things became way more dangerous? I think Selina Kyle might be dumber than she was two months ago!

Catwoman #47

I would never make a fart joke about this cover. Possibly a shart joke though.

Some people might disagree with me but I think the saddest moment on American television was that episode of 90210 which was advertised as a story about the suicide of one of the original cast members! Everybody who didn't know me was going crazy wondering which character it would be! Would Dylan finally snap?! What about Brenda?! But I simply saw the commercial and thought, "Great. They're going to bring back David Silver's best friend from the first season just so he can blow his brains out!" Which, of course, it was. David Silver's best friend whom he ditched to become a cool main character instead of a nerdy underclassmen punching bag. Why not bring him back for the most depressing event ever?! Have him point out to David how he stopped being his friend and left him alone to navigate the perilous waters of Beverly Hills High! Of course he killed himself! Just like Ryan Seacrest's co-host from the first season of American Idol probably put a gun in his mouth too! I don't even have to look that up. I'm positive that's what happened to that guy.

My mind is on sad things because Frank Tieri is now writing Catwoman. The most positive thing I can say about this creative change is that at least it's not Ann Nocenti. I should probably think up some good ways to describe horrible writing before I dive into the story! I've probably used the shit analogy far too many times. And I've often questioned the decisions of artist's parents to procreate, so I shouldn't do much more of that. Besides, it's a comment like that which got me blocked by Cullen Bunn on Twitter. How was I supposed to know that he spends his free time searching for tweets containing his own name?! It's not like I direct messaged him or hashtagged him or at-symbolled him! Are those things? They kind of sound like sex acts.

This issue takes place in Brooklyn because Catwoman obviously wants to get Harley Quinn to guest star in her comic book for a bump in sales. The opening scene takes place at Club Odessa which is a coincidence because in my last commentary I transcribed a letter from my friend Odessa! Um, I mean "Otessa"! That's what I called her to preserve her anonymity! Just like I call myself Tess instead of Jeff!

Catwoman has decided to rob a dangerous Russian mobster named Nikolai the Bear in the middle of ladies night at his club.

I really want to get started attacking the writing but let's start with the art! When I burgle an office, I almost always take a moment to pose sexily on the desk.

Catwoman is caught in the act. Serves her right robbing the club while it was open. Now she's going to have to dodge Russian mob bullets! And probably fistfight Nikolai the Bear! If she knew him better, she might fuckfight him. But I think she's still hung up on Batman.

Since I took a shot at the art earlier without sincerely commenting on the art but on the composition, let me say that I'm actually enjoying it. Especially this look on Selina's face during the fistfight:

So what are a concrete wall's vulnerabilities?

As Nikolai rolls on the ground and grabs his balls which is the only thing a guy can do when he's been kicked in them (it's some kind of natural instinct or something), Catwoman begins dodging those Russian bullets I predicted earlier! Then she escapes by crashing through a window and, presumably, landing on her feet and running away hissing.

Later, the art isn't as good. I think maybe Inaki rushed a few pages when Seleni meets to eat pizza with a big fat hairy guy. His name is Louis the Mustache and he's Selina's fence. She says he's been her fence since she was a teenager but the fence she was with when this comic book began didn't have a mustache! Also she died. But maybe Selina was only using that fence because Louis the Mustache had moved to Brooklyn.

This is the kind of family I love! The kind I never knew existed and never tries to get into contact!

I don't know what's up with Selina's make-up. Maybe her goggles are just on too tight and breaking all the blood vessels around her eyes.

Louis has another job for her. Not only is it another job, it's THE JOB! It's a career-ender! It's stealing the Frost Diamond and it's the biggest job Selina could ever think of doing which is the perfect first story arc to make Frank Tieri think, "Oh fuck. Now how do I make the next job more exciting?!" But Louis says the client doesn't want his identity to be known which is a dealbreaker for Selina for some reason. I don't know why! She's just stealing something to sell to her fence! She isn't a bounty hunter! Why the fuck does she care who's getting the jewels? I guess she has a Code just like Twat Lobo.

Selina refuses but then Louis the Mustache says that he's dying. Oh no! Not Louis the Mustache! He means so much to Selina! If you don't believe me, reread that previous panel I scanned! See? He's family! This is so sad! He only has two years which is...well, that's not so bad, right?! Two years! That's still a lot of Catwoman story arcs! By the time two years comes around, Frank Tieri will be off the book and maybe the next writer will forget about the stomach cancer altogether! Hell, the next writer will probably just forget about Louis himself!

The Frost Diamond is the biggest black diamond ever which is totally fucking untrue and Selina knows it! I'm surprised she'd have anything to do with a black diamond after her last brush with one.

Why is she reading about the Front Diamond? Isn't it the Frost Diamond she's after?! I'm confused!

Selina is still working with Alice Tesla which is probably where she got her high tech goggles. Alice is a young wunderkind who can do anything with technology. She also says stupid things like "To paraphrase Mister Miyagi...lights on...lights off." Are you fucking kidding me?! If the quote is "wax on, wax off," you can't just change the verb and say you're paraphrasing a movie quote! You're just saying something completely different! Besides, what makes Alice think she needed to even fucking mention Mister Miyagi in this context? Just fucking say, "Lights out, motherfuckers! BOO-YAH BITCHES! Alice Tesla in da hizz-ouse!"

That wasn't any better, was it? I feel dirty.

Catwoman easily steals the Frost Diamond and delivers it to Louis the Mustache who probably should have gotten a second opinion.

Two years?! It was more like two pages!

Six cops bust through the door before Catwoman can get away. I know what you're thinking. "That must have been a big door!" No, no. It was a regular size door and even though Catwoman was already halfway out of the window, six cops get the jump on her before she can jump herself. Which seems a bit ridiculous when earlier she crashed through a plate glass window at even higher up while being shot at by Russians. This time she just decides to give up. Coward!

Catwoman #47 Rating: -5 Ranking. It actually wasn't "-5 Ranking" bad but I just can't allow a Frank Tieri book to continue at the same spot as a Genevieve Valentine book. But it also wasn't good so I don't mind lowering it. It was simply standard comic book fare. Catwoman burgles. Catwoman's fence dies. Catwoman gets caught in a set-up. I'm pretty sure I've read this story eighteen times already.

Catwoman #46

Tweety Bird's feet look like vaginas. I think.

This Catwoman comic book's theme should be based on this piece of mail I received when I was nineteen years old from a girl I had a huge crush on for years but had recently decided to cut off all contact with her because I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

Tess
Hi. Yeh, it's me. I know yer pissed at me + think I'm a bitch. Until last night I wasn't exactly sure why, but I think I've got it. :( Tess why haven't ya said anything to me? Why did ya just avoid me + not bring it up to me?! I know I don't do everyting right, O.K. I rarely do anything right. But shit Tess it's me, everyone should except that all I know how to do is fuck up. Are you ever gonna forgive me? None of this is comin' out like I wanted. I'm not even gettin' out what I wanna say. I know I should be talkin' to ya in person but I can't. For one I never see ya + for two, I'm basically a chickenshit. I can see why ya could/are mad about it but why? I mean why did it piss ya off so much, I mean shit, ya said so yourself on the way to the Poison concert; you don't care what I do! Fuck Tess it hurts like hell for ya to be so pissed at me, but what the hell can I do? I can't take it back, I can't change the fact it happened; it's done + over w/ already. I could apologize + say it won't happen again, but I don't think that'de help + I'm more than apt to fuck up + do it (or something similar) again later on in life and that'de make it worse. Well shit, I'm sure yer still as pissed as before, but all I can say is I'm sorry! Bye.
Otessa (A.K.A. Bitch)

After getting this letter, I hugged Otessa the next time I saw her and maybe apologized. Twenty plus years later and I still have no idea what she was apologizing for or why she thought I was mad at her. I wonder if she killed somebody! I really was just cutting myself off because she didn't love me and I loved her and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. The most embarrassing part of this letter (for both of us!) is that it mentions how we went to a Poison concert. Holy crap I got wasted at that concert. I did tell her I don't care what she does but that was kind of like the moment at the end of Harry and the Hendersons where John Lithgow tells Bigfoot that he doesn't really want to sleep with him at all and actually doesn't care what he does because Lithgow knows that Harry will never sleep with him anyway. So instead he drank a pint of Jack Daniels and then acted like an obnoxious jerk in the mosh pit at the Poison concert. It's probably a good thing I barely remember that show.

Don't need nothing! But a good time! How can I resist?! Don't need nothing! But a good time! And it don't get better than this! PUKE!

This issue begins with Eiko having a party in which the surprise guest is DEATH! Death to all of the heads of the families at the party! It sounds like it's going to be a pretty shitty party. It sounds like it's almost going to be as bad as the party my cousin threw for a bunch of her twelve year old friends where I (fourteen years old) lip-synched to nearly the entirety of Huey Lewis's album, "Fore!" Holy shit that's more embarrassing than admitting I went to a Poison concert! Worse yet, I was wearing the kind of funky Hawaiian shirt that isn't Hawaiian at all but sort of hangs like one but had shapes and wavy lines and pastels in the way 80s shirts had those things? None of them kissed me at all during that party.

Stephanie Brown doesn't like the idea that the party is about killing people because she just wants to meet a cute guy and say, "Spoiler alert! I want your dick inside of me!"

I tawt I saw a pussy twat! I did! I did see a pussy twat!

Stephanie Brown learns that somebody else came along and shot Bill Turner in the face after she thought she'd killed him by closing her eyes, turning her head, and slapping at him wildly. Don't side-eye me like that! That's how girl's fight! I should know because I've fought my fair share of them! Mostly I pick fights with women just so I can feel some skin to skin contact with them. It's heavenly! Sometimes when they pin me to the ground and pound me in the face over and over again, they don't realize how exciting it is that they're straddling me! I'm pretty sure that counts as having had sex, right?

Catwoman rushes off to stop crash Eiko's party but she's too late. Everybody is dead! That means it's time for Selina and Eiko to either fight or fuck. No wait! There's always the third and best choice of all: it's FUCKFIGHT time!

Eiko has been wandering around the party with a dildo shoved up her fanny?

This probably isn't the least sexist thing I've ever said but the previously scanned panel will probably cause me to masturbate later.

Selina and Eiko fuckfight across a whole bunch of other panels worth masturbating to as well (although the one with the metal something shoved up Eiko is still the best). Eventually Selina decides to leave and allows Eiko to make a run for it so she can evade prison. But Selina still needs to make sure her cousin Antonia is safe before she leaves the mob life behind her and gets caught up in Frank Tieri's awful stories that will probably be as bad as Nocenti's stories. Although I have a feeling that Tieri's stories will, at the least, make sense. Nocenti writes as if she expect the reader to be on peyote.

With the death of all the heads of the minor gangs and families, Eiko has ensured peace throughout Gotham. The heads that are left--Cobblepot, Calabrese, Hasigawa--are eager to keep the peace. Catwoman leaves Gotham for awhile because nobody wants Frank Tieri fucking up Catwoman and Gotham! Maybe she'll go to Toronto. Nobody cares if Tieri screws up the DC Youniverse's version of Toronto, right?!

Catwoman #46 Rating: No change. Catwoman is no longer a mobster! Yay! But Catwoman is no longer going to be written by Genevieve Valentine! Boo! Now she'll be written by Frank Tieri! Double boo! Catwoman will be adventuring outside of Gotham for awhile! Yay! I only say "yay" to that because it doesn't matter if she's in Gotham while Bruce is playing house with Julie Madison and not lecturing Selina about how she shouldn't crime all of the time while she sucks his dick. Hopefully when Bruce gets his Batman back (because Julie Madison either dies or betrays him!), he'll be a kinder, gentler Bruce who finally realizes how horribly he's been treating Selina and how much he wants to give her an adult massage without any kind of lecture or reciprocation. That's true love!

Catwoman #45

I bet my collection of Catwoman comics has more variant covers than regular covers.

Frank Tieri's name still isn't on the cover so don't take this issue for granted, jerkos! Pretty soon, Frank Tieri will be turning in a script with Catwoman getting caught stealing a huge diamond by Batman and Catwoman will be all, "You're so gay!" And Batman is going to be all, "Am not! You're gay!" And Catwoman will be all, "Make sure you realize when I call you gay that it isn't a fact or a compliment! It's my attempt to dehumanize and humiliate you by pointing out that you're a homosexual because it is embarrassing and bad to be a homosexual!" And Batman will be all, "Eww! I'll get you, Catwoman!" And Catwoman will be all, "No you will not because you are gay and my ass is not a man ass but a hot female ass that does not turn you on at all. Because you are gay." Then the editors at DC Comics will read Frank Tieri's script and say, "Good job, Frank. This is not offensive at all. For once the internet will not be angry at a comic book we publish! Just make sure the colorist does not accidentally make any black people white. Hoo boy, did we take it in the ass on mistakes like that the way a gay person would take it in the ass from another gay person."

Sure, you wince now and think, "Jesus Christ, Tess! That's ridiculous!" But soon you will read the first Frank Tieri Catwoman issue and you will remember this and you will think, "Holy fuck! Tess really is a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and not an offensive prick for no reason like I totally believed and still kind of believe since I believed it once and why would I ever doubt what I believed even if the truth stared me in the face and asked me to fuck it in its mouth?"

Now I can't wait for Frank Tieri to start writing this book! Hurry up and run out of old epistles, Genevieve!

I really hope Genevieve got the go-ahead to kill Roman Sionis.

After the funeral, Eiko burns her Catwoman suit because she was not very good at being Catwoman. She was pretty good at getting shot and falling off of a building and being saved by Killer Croc. But she was terrible at stealing diamonds and fucking Batman.

Catwoman visits Eiko to make sure she's okay. Eiko isn't too keen on Selina anymore so nobody kisses anybody in that way that my male gaze definitely wants them to kiss. Instead Eiko points out that she's going to destroy the Black Mask. But Selina is worried that if Eiko does that, she'll be the next big target of all the gangs. I guess that means Catwoman is going to have to kill Black Mask! Preferably with an umbrella so she can blame it on The Penguin.

Antonia cements her alliance with The Penguin even without cutting off Selina's head. I guess that's important? I'll just add it to the pile of machinations and double dealings that I'm not really following very well. I guess anybody allied against Black Hand is a good thing. Hell, with Eiko after him, I'm not sure any clans are left who are supporting Black Hand.

Black Hand sending thugs to beat up kids in an after school program doesn't make a lot of sense but it does allow for a Bruce Wayne cameo.

Black Hand goes to see The Penguin to shore up his territory and The Penguin tells Black Mask to hide in his escape tunnel while he gets the Forster Lane Gangs in line. Once Black Mask enters the tunnel, The Penguin locks him in with Catwoman. Yay! Although Roman didn't say, "Et tu, Oswald?"

Catwoman now has a bigger super villain kill count than New Suicide Squad.

Or maybe not. Sionis crawls back through the tunnels bleeding on everything and runs into The Penguin. The Penguin trades Sionis his life for Sionis's entire stake in Gotham. And he tells Sionis to disappear. Forever. Or at least until somebody writing Detective Comics comes up with a cool story involving Black Mask.

Eiko takes over the Hasigawa Clan and plans to hit the lesser gangs surrounding her turf hard so they know she's serious. I think that leaves one more Valentine issue before Tieri which means maybe Sionis will think twice about his Penguin deal and return only to get killed. Or maybe Eiko is going to get herself killed. How am I supposed to guess how this entire thing will end when I don't even know what's been going on for the last year?!

Catwoman #45 Rating: No change. Only one more issue of Selina Kyle having anything to do with the Gotham mob bosses and then you'll never hear about it again! Well, maybe in the pages of Batman and Robin Eternal. But I'm pretty sure Frank Tieri hasn't been keeping up with Valentine's run of Catwoman. He'll probably decide he's writing a powerful woman character so he'll start off by having her beat up some men who whistle at her. Then she'll steal a diamond but realize that it was a trap and she'll find herself in some kind of burglar intrigue! Also her bosoms will practically be overflowing out of her suit. Can Tieri write that into the script so that the new artist knows how to draw Catwoman's outfit? I think the only thing the artist needs to remember is that it doesn't zip up all the way. My head really fucking hurts right now so that's the best I can do.

Harley Quinn Road Trip Special #1

I hope this is more "time spent in motels" than "time spent on the road," if you get my horny meaning!

Amanda and Jimmy pump out so many of these Harley Quinn specials that I usually just treat them as a nice break from writing anything coherent. Shut up! I heard you scoffing your nerdy scoff and snidely saying, "As if anything you write is coherent!", followed by an ebullient snort of laughter!

I don't even know what words are anymore.

See, the thing it starts and then some stuff but then well here and what.

So the lollipop was all and the skirt hitched and the toes and calves were hey.

So then the plot and it's Tony and the sausage dog is back too. A road trip is planned just like the cover says! Oh, hey. I'm getting my words back! Whew. That was close.

Butts butt butt butt butts.

So Poison and Batman but then phone cats and brbble drzzl.

Flaked. Meaty Bits. Saucesations. Tasty Treasures. Rise and Shine. Savory Shreds.

Soon in Los Angeles more low cuts and high hems and towels and underpants.

Typing words here.

Mobile home or whatnot.

spork


guttural noise

Bikininininanas. Hallucinations. Oral sex.

spurt. nap.

What? Hunh? What's going on? Mmm, boobies.

Beaver jokes! The end!

Harley Quinn Road Trip Special #1 Rating: I haven't scanned this much cheesecake since Superboy #3!