Green Lantern #36 (February 1993)

Just what this comic book needs: a 3rd pedo!

I wonder if Doctor Light and Hal Jordan are going to be fighting over a twelve year old in this issue? Merry Christmas!

This issue begins with Carol Ferris and Hal Jordan in a small plane flying to the Jordan Family Christmas party in Alaska.

Stop looking at the Northern Lights off-panel and pay attention to that tear in reality over your heads!

I know comic book coloring can be weird at times but this comic book is called Green Lantern so I imagine the colorist could have made the Northern Lights actually look like the Northern Lights.

Okay. I just noticed it. I'm a petty bitch.

The tear in reality turns out to be Doctor Light so it wasn't a mistake on the artist's part at all. The mistake was entirely Carol Ferris's for being such a dumb slag. I mean slag in the mining definition and not in UK slang! The material left over from the processing of ore was the dumbest thing I could think of. Far dumber than sluts or whores.

To be fair to Carol, Hal didn't fucking realize those weren't the Northern Lights either. Stupid rake! I meant the gardening implement! It's much dumber than a spade or a hoe.

One of Hal's nephews is Captain Cold?

Before these children are introduced, Gerard Jones makes sure that Doctor Light speaks his motivations clearly so nobody gets the wrong idea about what's going to happen in this story. So rest easy! Doctor Light is after Hal's green light and not the children.

I just realized this morning (not because I hadn't noticed my hair but I just hadn't put the two together) that my hair looks like Hal Jordan's. Not the color or the length or the style. Just the white stripes on the sides. But mine looks cooler because my hair is long.

Carol quickly learns that Hal's sister-in-law gave up her profession to raise three kids and she almost vomits. Hal's sister-in-law, Sue, quickly learns that Carol has four huge sticks up her ass and not one of them is Hal's penis.

An ominous bit of pedo foreshadowing? And here I thought the kids were safe!

Doctor Light isn't the worst villain in this issue. Sue Jordan won't get off Carol's pussy about kids and not dating Hal.

Who thinks saying shit like this to another person is fun or smart or cool or not a reason to be violently murdered?

Even if Doctor Light diddles two of the kids, I still won't hate him more than I hate Sue right now. Maybe if he diddles all three, or kills one and diddles another, or kills and diddles the same one. Until then, I'll be less interested in Hal battling Doctor Light than I am in Carol battling Sue. Maybe Sue is just super horny and, since she lives in Alaska where people are weird, this is how she flirts with a sexy independent woman.

Hal just thinks it's funny and tells Carol it's "Classic Jordan Family" needling. Carol doesn't tell Hal that every single thing he's done or said since Star Sapphire was driven from her body has made it even more unlikely that Carol will ever take her underpants off in front of him. This guy's whole game is "This one time, I was fucking a toy mogul I worked for. Then later I fucked this thirteen year old. I don't want your money because no bitch gonna control Hal Jordan. You can be my secretary! You got that makeover to look hot for my dick, right? My family has really been treading on your personal space and I'm not going to say anything. In fact, I'll encourage them!" Does this guy even want to fuck Carol?

Every male Jordan treats women like baggage.

If Carol comes out of this experience loving Hal Jordan more, I'll fucking kill myself. Or write a moderately upset letter to Gerard Jones. We'll see exactly how upsetting it is. Meanwhile, Doctor Light continues to stalk the children. I mean Hal's Green Lantern light.

Apparently Superman just died. But Hal's not upset because how much time can you devote to another character in your own comic book? Fuck Superman. Just because he went and bit the big Doomsday dong, Hal Jordan's supposed to express the slightest sliver of grief?! Also nobody else seems to care. You'd think at least one kid would be weeping their fucking eyes out behind the couch.

Bigger news than Superman roasting in Kryptonian H'el, Green Lantern has been spotted back on Earth! The real Green Lantern! The one that Sue Jordan thinks was her husband Jack Jordan, Hal's brother! She even wrote an article about it for the gossip magazine she used to work for. Damn. If she could get that so wrong, how many other articles did she write that ruined innocent celebrities' lives?! Carol tries to tell Sue the truth but Hal yanks her into a corner and deliver more of his patented pussy wilting dialogue.

Now he's admitting he can fuck with people's minds? Run, Carol, run!

Do you think Hal's ability to make people forget things is why we haven't heard Carol go off on him about fucking a thirteen year old? If Carol doesn't immediately assume that Hal has used or will use this power on her in a relationship, then she's far more trusting than I am. I was going to go for "she's far more stupid than I am" but I know that's not true. I'm an idiot and even I can see what Hal's planning.

Is it possible Guy Gardner is smoother than Hal Jordan? And he takes women on dates to porn movies and cock fights!

While Hal has somehow figured out how to grow and put in his mouth an eighth foot, a really good conversation is taking place in the background.

These kids are fucking geniuses!

Hal is supposed to play Santa but he talks his brother Jack into wearing the costume while he videotapes the entire encounter from the shadows where Sue can't see him. Because Sue has to believe that Hal is in the suit and her husband is the one hiding in the shadows with the video tape recorder. I guess the Jordan family loves pretend candid Christmas videos that look like they were shot by some creep who crawled in through the back window.

Doctor Light, unable to get to Hal because he's crouching in the shadows like a sex pest, attacks Jack in the Santa costume to lure Hal out. Of course Hal comes roaring into the room as Green Lantern and Sue is all, "My husband! He's back at playing Green Lantern! I'll either divorce him or have the greatest sex of our lives!"

Oh, that's how Hal is grieving! He's got the black armband on but only in costume.

Doctor Light recently died in the pages of Suicide Squad (was that where everybody treated him like a kiddy diddler?) but, after spending some time in Hell, he's returned more powerful than ever before. Which I should explain is actually pretty powerful because he was always a D-List villain, at best. But now he can turn into light and make copies of himself and manipulate material things with his light and probably loads of other things. At one point, he says he has both the power of waves and particles but since I was a Liberal Arts Major, I don't know what that means at all. I guess I didn't read enough postmodern literature.

Unable to defeat Doctor Light with his ring because Doctor Light bathes everything in yellow light, Hal pulls out his battery and sucks Doctor Light into the lantern. His soul becomes trapped in the power battery on Oa where he spends his days being Parallax's bitch.

After the battle, Sue still believes Jack is Green Lantern. He even buys into it, thinking he becomes Green Lantern after blacking out.

Yep. Greatest sex of their lives it is.

So what happens when Green Lantern is exposed for fucking a thirteen year old? How's Jack going to explain that one? "I guess I was unconscious, honey! No, really! I don't remember doing her at all!"

After the battle, Hal explains to Carol how heroic he was and smart too! Carol just nods and says, "Have I ever loved anything ever? Let's get married!"

Goddammit. Where did I put that gun and/or pen and paper?

Green Lantern #36 Rating: B-. Somehow Carol witnessed how all the Jordan men treated their women and heard more confessions from Hal the Gigantic Bastard and she came to the conclusion that she and Hal should get married. The main evidence pushing her to that conclusion was seeing how much Sue loved and worried about her children when they were almost killed. She's never loved anything that much and currently has no path toward loving something like that. And somehow that led her to the belief that marrying Hal Jordan could get her there? Has she never heard of an animal shelter?! Get a fucking puppy! Or a kitten! Fuck, get both!

Brainiac #1

When you move this cover from side to side, Superman looks like he's doing squat lunges.

Please don't let this be written by Scott Lobdell. I'm reading Trigon next and I'm almost certain that one is written by him. I'm just not sure I can survive reading two Scott Lobdell comic books in a row. Other than my little prayer to whoever might be listening, I have nothing more to say!

It's a miracle! Turns out it's Tony Bedard! Good thing God loves comic books and my sanity.

Looks like The Collector of Worlds and his Terminauts are still on their mission to save examples of cultures that are about to be destroyed by Vyndktvx in his gigantic tantrum across time and space. And according to Scott Lobdell and The Twenty (which is a total ripoff of The 4400, isn't it? Just with less thought put into it because, you know, there are only twenty), the more human looking Brainiac (possibly because it's actually Vril Dox; also possibly it's just the original Brainiac made to look human for infiltration purposes) is looking for intelligent creatures into which to download Coluan egos. So there's a bit of saving culture and a bit of a selfish search and a whole lot of misunderstanding since The Collector of Worlds tends to demolish a lot of shit on each planet as it also steals a tiny city. Because who cares how much destruction happens to a world already in the queue for destruction!

This robot that had its programming taken over by the Brainiac A.I. knows the history of The Collector of Worlds and its battle against Vyndktvx's Multitude, so he relates it to Victoria Viceroy, the woman who built him, so that she may understand exactly what's happening and why she should let it happen unimpeded.

Every fucking planet has a Goddamned Jor-el, don't they?

Vril Dox is caught by his wife experimenting on their kid. Now I don't have kids and never plan on having any, but I'm pretty sure this is a huge no-no. I'm not even sure if I want to know what he's doing judging by that big metal apparatus attached to his son's crotch.

Vril Dox had learned about The Fifth Dimension and the Multitude and how nearly a hundred planets had already been destroyed. His planet was next and the only way to defend against it was by shoving contraptions on the populace's genitalia. It was a desperate gambit but he was positive it was going to work! The only problem was his being convicted of pedophilia and exiled into a Banishment Orb which was shot into space. Well, at least that solved his problem. Now he wouldn't die when Colu was smashed to bits!

These worlds need to stop imprisoning geniuses in prisons of their own designs!

Once Vril Dox turns himself into the multi-orificed head we know and love, and converted his Banishment Orb into an Octobot Prototype, he returns to Yod-Colu to save the world. Actually, he's going to let the world die because he's no Jor-el and there's nothing he can do to save it. But he does plan on saving its culture! And some nice pieces of art. And some of the better video game systems. And, of course, one small city shrunk down to a nice, manageable size. Lucky for his wife and son, he decided to save the city they were currently in.

And then Yod-Colu died.

And that explains why the Brainiac that created Cyborg Superman looked nothing like the crazy centaur thing that tried to take Metropolis.

Brainiac couldn't stop the Multitude even though he was a 12th Level Intelligence. But he soon learned of a man named Jor-el that did stop the Multitude. Which meant Jor-el was smarter than he was. But he also learned that Jor-el died when Krypton was destroyed anyway, not by the Multitude but by some inner core disaster or maybe some clone war or perhaps the weather machines on the surface failed. There have been so many possibilities, I don't think the actual reason for Krypton's destruction has been settled yet.

Brainiac changed his plan now that he knew there was a being like (and better!) than him on Krypton. Now he decided to search every planet for a genius that might help stop the Multitude. And if they can't, he destroys the planet himself. But if they can? Well, he'll probably take the credit for learning how to stop the Multitude and destroy the planet anyway. Then he'll probably only save the rest of the planets if they agree to his rule, since he is a would-be world conqueror.

But before Brainiac destroys the planet with Victoria Viceroy on it, Victoria sends a message detailing Brainiac and his plans which is picked up by the Jor-el of Earth: Doctor Shay Veritas, the Omniologist!

Haven't you heard, big shot? Superman is dead!

Brainiac #1 Rating: It's hard to tell exactly when Dr. Veritas gets this message but I think Superman already knows the danger that Brainiac poses. After all, he did battle one of his incarnations already. And he's currently busy battling The Twenty which are pawns of Brainiac. Anyway, this was a thorough explanation of Brainiac which fit well into the current continuity. But the story didn't make me care much, one way or the other. So it gets a middling ranking of 24. Or something.

Justice League #20

Thank goodness Aquaman is here!

That was a joke because this battle happens in space instead of the pool at the YMCA. I suppose Aquaman can throw his trident to put out all of Despero's eyes at once. Or maybe Aquaman can telepathically communicate with the microbes swimming in Despero's eye goop and get them to do something that somebody with more knowledge of the biology of eye goop microbes would know that they could do. Maybe they could all defecate at once and blind him? If DC doesn't like the science behind that move, I'll just sell it to Marvel.

While everybody was busy doing non-Justice-League-Meeting related things while they were all supposed to be having a Justice League Meeting, Despero attacked the Justice League Satellite. The only two people that were there were Firestorm and The Atom. I guess that's technically three people. Four people if you want to count Despero. Only three and a half people if you count normative amounts of eyeballs per person. I was hoping Element Woman would show up to save the day. She's currently grabbing some grub for the get together.

Do they have televisions in Atlantis? I know that question doesn't have anything to do with the picture! But I was just wondering what they do for entertainment while they get beerguts. Oh my god?! Do they even have alcohol? Do they ferment seaweed?

The Atom is narrating introductions to whoever the fuck she's narrating introductions to. She knows Firestorm's secret identities as well as Element Woman's old identity. Maybe she's selling information to Amanda Waller because Amanda Waller is the type of person that people sell information to. Hey, did you know a tautology is what it is because it's a tautology? True story.

Element Woman joins Firestorm and The Atom aboard the Justice League Satellite just in time to help them retreat from Despero.

Oh, so now everybody gets to remember that Martian Manhunter was a member of the Justice League? Perhaps it has something to do with the Magenta Time Line since Martian Manhunter was probably never in Stormwatch now and never had to erase his existence from everybody's memories.

The Atom stops acting cocky right about the time that Despero rips Firestorm in half with his psychic powers. Well, he doesn't exactly rip him in half. He just disassembles Firestorm returning him to his component parts of Ronnie and Jason. Element Woman has proven to be the most useful if the only way to stop Despero is with non sequiturs. She's actually the opposite of useful which is entertaining. She did turn into a pink cloud at one point and managed to make her right leg into a messy fart that she got all over The Atom.

This is disgusting.

Despero smashes Element Woman into bits but it's not like she has any vital organs that will stop functioning when something like this happens. I don't even think she has a brain anymore. I suppose she's just a skewed magical version of her former personality that has basically imprinted on an extreme batch of silly putty. That's probably why she's crazy and eccentric and depressed.

I just realized Element Woman was bringing enough food for nine people. But Firestorm is two people. Does Jason taste food when Firestorm eats? If Firestorm were somewhere where he had no water and I guess everything was made from stuff he couldn't turn into water since this is a hypothetical situation, would Jason be safe in Ronnie's head? Could Ronnie keep Jason alive longer by maintaining the Firestorm body while he dies from dehydration? Then when he's nearly dead, they would separate and Jason would now be as fully hydrated as he was when he merged?

Also Despero causes the Justice League Watchtower to lose orbit and begin plummeting to Earth. This prevents Cyborg from Boom Tubing them to it because its position keeps changing. If only they had a computer that could do the calculations that would enable them to know the satellite's location across time!

The Atom is more concerned with Despero reading her thoughts and discovering her secret than she is of dying. Her secret must be something truly awful! Like she's working with Lex Luthor or she short-sheeted Batman's bed. Boy, the old days sure were tame when short-sheeting was the height of pranks! Well, that and putting your sleeping friend's hand in a bowl of warm water. Nowadays a prank has to be video taped and somebody needs to nearly die for it to be funny.

The Atom gets lucky (actually she makes her own luck by saying "Martian Manhunter" out loud) and Martian Manhunter arrives to save the day. Since he's the only one that can defeat Despero (don't tell Batman I said that).

Martian Manhunter is a cross between Bloody Mary and The Candyman. Just say his name and you've got a surprise guest for your kid's birthday party.

Since The Atom knows so much about the superhero community and she keeps mentioning having read files, she must actually be a member of the Justice League of America. That's also why she's more desperate to keep her secret than to live. Because if Waller finds out The Atom let the secret slip, Waller is going to nail the little shit to the wall. Being on Waller's bad side is obviously worse than dying. Which means the saying Manhunter's name thing might only work for other members of the JL of A. So forget that kid's birthday party thing. You better just play it safe and hire the fucking clown.

I guess I could let this go but I'm not going to: the smaller you are in the DCnU, the harder it is to read your mind. I suppose it's like having a gigantic Ham radio antenna in your backyard versus a tiny little antenna mounted on the rain gutter. The Atom's tiny mind just puts out tiny little brain waves that are hard to pick up. And it also means Despero's psychic attacks are less effective because her tiny little brain just can't pick up the psychic waves.

I read this just after I wrote that last paragraph. Also, The Atom must be a triple agent and is working for the Super Duper Secret Society of Super Villains as well if she's afraid of what Martian Manhunter might see in her mind.

Cyborg can calculate where the Watchtower is going to land but he can't do the relatively simple math to teleport their asses on its falling structure. Teleporting this group into an empty space on board the Watchtower is no different than landing a rover on Mars! And even with some risk, Batman and Wonder Woman are going to willingly take that risk! Or Superman could just fly them all to the Watchtower just as quickly, right?

Martian Manhunter defeats Despero by reversing the flow of his synapses. Yeah, that totally makes sense. DC Comics: we am more scientifical than Marvel! He should have just said he blocked Despero's synapses from firing. Reversing them! Ha ha. You know what? Maybe he was making a Martian joke and it just went over my head because I've become so acculturated to Earth humor.

Instead of wiping The Atom's mind, he simply trusts that she won't tell anybody that he was there. Which means they must be teammates! It also means The Atom is going to have to take credit for reversing Despero's synapses! I guess she could have become really tiny and ran around his brain exchanging potassium ions with sodium ions and shitting in all of his receptors.

That lie might work on Superman dying from Kryptonite poisoning but don't you dare try to get it past Batman!

Superman was able to land the Watchtower safely on Earth before freaking out from a tiny little piece of Kryptonite. He heads to the sun to feel better while Aquaman finally climbs out of the ocean to make an appearance. Batman explains that he was studying the Kryptonite to find a cure for Superman's allergy and in no way was he ever possibly even contemplating in the slightest using the Kryptonite against Superman himself. Nope. Never crossed his mind.

Using some Dupin style deductions, Cyborg realizes that Despero didn't steal the ring. Somebody else got it for him. Probably that fucking Martian Manhunter! Whoever did take it also kept a sliver of the Kryptonite for themselves.

Afterward, Batman gives Superman a tour of his In Case of Emergency Batcave. He shows Superman that he has a briefcase with a means to stop any one of them if they go out of control. Wonder Woman's does not have a book of insults against women like I thought it might. Instead it's empty because Batman says Superman belongs in that box.

Superman, you don't need to prepare! Obviously if someone acts out, you can immediately deal with it. Batman doesn't have that luxury so his preparation seems morbid and depressing.

And then Batman gives Superman a box with the secret to take him down.

It's probably child pornography with Bruce Wayne's fingerprints on it.

Seriously, why does Superman need a case with some secret weapon to take out The Batman? Superman has super strength and freeze breath and laser eyes and super speed and flight. I'm pretty sure he can use any one of those powers to steal a gun to use to shoot Batman in the face.

In the end, it turns out The Atom is working for the Justice League of America. She may have been trying to shield her thoughts from Martian Manhunter because she could be Waller and Trevor's secret agent. The Atom is meant to be able to take out Element Woman but the JL of A have yet to find someone to counter Firestorm. I'm pretty sure they'll need Captain Atom for that. But The Atom probably won't be around for long since she has one hurdle there's no way she's going to be able to jump.

I'm pretty sure that Batman can't disprove that dropping trou and pissing in Despero's head wouldn't short circuit his brain!

The Shazam story begins with Billy Batson learning he made a huge mistake. Black Adam is not the small boy that was given the power of Shazam! He is the boy's uncle with whom the boy shared his power. And then the uncle stole all of the power and destroyed the boy because the boy was a no good beatnick peace loving love child. But Billy may have learned from that story that he can share his power with his siblings! And probably even a tiger!

Billy's siblings run a garbage truck into Black Adam to free Billy. But then they end up at Black Adam's mercy while Billy transforms to Shazam. And then the next issue is the conclusion of the great Shazam Family Origin Story! I'm sure Billy will share his power to save them all. And Black Adam will cry at how lovely it all is and slink back to Khandaq to be a dick later.

Justice League #20 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue gets a +1 Ranking for Element Woman making herself into a car and a +1 Ranking on the reveal that Black Adam is a gigantic dick. Okay, so that last one wasn't much of a reveal. But I did like how he usurped the Wizard's choice of champion. That was nice.

The Phantom Stranger #7

Get it? The guy that betrays people is getting a taste of his own semen! Wait, that's not how that saying goes.

The new Dr. Thirteen looks like my cousin Travis. What that means is that he looks appropriately nerdy on this cover. I think maybe his chin should be a bit weaker, maybe his glasses a bit thicker, his teeth a wee bit scragglier, and his hair slightly greasier. And then he'd be an appropriate stereotype and I could accept him being the super smart technological master he is! But he'll just never be as awesome as his top hat wearing, sideburns sporting, fully rational ancestor. This guy just feels like a conniving jerk that desperately wants to be in on the important goings on in the New DC. And now he's going to try to murder The Phantom Stranger with the Spear of Longinus? Hmm, I could buy that.

The issue begins with The Phantom Stranger sitting in church. Is he seeking solace? Is he basking in the glory of his ultimate betrayal? Or is he just taking a break from wandering forever? Whatever he's doing, it's interrupted by a priest homing in on the scent of despair.

You know, I don't mind if you want to try to convert me while I'm in your church. But if you dare fucking quote C.S. Lewis at me, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

That quote is just the kind of bullshit that C.S. Lewis was the master of. He had a way of saying things that people who were desperate to believe or already believed or were too stupid to respond with, "That actually doesn't make any fucking sense," would eat up as profound wisdom. Let's pretend this wasn't just linguistic pablum and take it seriously for a moment. How would C.S. Lewis know it was all plan and not "no plan"? Yeah, he can't know it but oh my Lord doesn't it just FEEL RIGHT?! Hallelujah! That makes so much sense! And something without a center? Why, maybe it's all center! My next project (after DC crumbles and returns to the old Universe which I won't be going back to) is to do a line by line analysis of Mere Christianity. If I can manage to keep my lunch down as I read it.

The Chronicles of Narnia were good though if you ignored the underlying Christian mythology. Although by ignoring that, you're kind of missing the point of the whole series and C.S. Lewis would probably rather you just went off and read The Wizard of Oz instead. I don't think that children's series was about Jesus!

Upon exiting the church, The Stranger runs into Dog.

I'm usually against kicking dogs in the face but I'd be willing to turn the other cheek on this one.

Dog has called The Stranger to Metropolis so they could engage in philosophical banter. Maybe He called him there for some other reason which hasn't been revealed yet since I read so slowly and am constantly distracted by the voices in my head. The Stranger arguing with Dog just makes me think of all the time I've spent debating my friend I've mentioned many times before, Soy Rakelson. I don't even know why Dog bothers to debate with The Stranger. Why is Dog so Doggamned desperate to get The Stranger to see his point of view? I guess Dog is cursing his Free Will Clause at this point. Why can't he just force everyone to believe? It would be so much easier!

When people say God doesn't make mistakes, they're wrong and they've obviously never read The Bible. Because giving man Free Will was a huge mistake. And God even acknowledges it when he destroys mankind with a flood. Why give mankind Free Will simply to destroy mankind when they use that Free Will to be something other than what God demands them to be? That was the biggest bullshit move in the history of mythological tales ever! And Zeus and Odin pulled a lot of bullshit!

God: "Hey, mankind, go on and do whatever you want. Yeah, yeah. You're free to choose your own life. Go ahead. Make some choices! Make mistakes! Go for it!"
God: "Woah woah woah. What's that tower you guys are building? That's what you decided to do? Try to build a tower to my vacation cottage? OH NO. Fuck that shit. It's destroyed. And to make sure you never do that with your Free Will again, none of you will be able to understand each other ever again. Unless you're all adept at language and shit. But I don't think you monkeys are that smart."
God: "Okay. Now what are y'all doing? Jesus Christ, you know there are other things to do with your time than fornicating?! And with my angels, no less? Unh unh! This can't stand. Sheesh, you and your fucking Free Will. If I'd've known you'd use it for this kind of nastiness, I never would have given it to you! Okay, I'm going to have to start over. Let me find the least despicable of you...let's see...aha! This drunk and his family over here. Hey! Hey Noah! You're my man! Too drunk to really exploit the Free Will Clause, I think you'll do to start this shit over. Now drown, bitches!"

Anyway, Dog has led The Stranger to Metropolis to betray Jack Ryder. Or use Jack Ryder to betray someone else. Maybe someone named Clark or Lois. But probably not someone named Jimmy. I'm pretty sure Jack Ryder was that dick news guy that tried to fuck over Superman or Clark or somebody and then Fake Nanobot Uniform Superman tried to drop him from a building. I could be wrong about that though because that was a long time ago and I suck at remembering names.

And we hit the Trifecta for horrible philosophical/theological texts and/or writers that people worship without daring to give a proper, cynical deconstructionist once-over! The Bible. C.S. Lewis. Ayn Rand (via the Atlas Shrugged Beer and the "Who is John Galt?" button).

Atlas Shrugged is also on my list of books to read and write commentary on after The Bible, The Qur'an, The Book of Mormon, Dianetics, Mere Christianity, Twilight, and then Atlas Shrugged. I don't imagine I'll ever get anywhere close to finishing this list since I'm only 46 pages into Genesis and already have 300 pages of commentary on it. Sure, a good percentage of those pages are made-up facts and goat fucking jokes, but it's still commentary!

The Phantom Stranger is looking a bit like Steve Martin in this issue. Or maybe Karl Malden. IMDB it, kids!

While The Phantom Stranger tries to convince Jack Ryder that he can be useful in another way besides the show, "You Don't Know Jack", which he just quit (because Morgan Edge was trying to impose too much editorial control. I think Dan DiDio is portraying all of the writers at DC that have walked off their books as the asshole Jack Ryder!), an ever-present news report on an ever-present nearby television catches their attention.

I might be one of a very select and elite and super smart few who actually really enjoyed the Challengers of the Unknown run in DC Universe Presents. Also, this monster is my new favorite character just after Alysia Yeoh. I wonder if this monster will turn out to be trans as well?

I have yet to read Batgirl #19 but since I follow Gail Simone on Tumblr, I ended up being spoiled by the revelation that Alysia is transsexual. I just want to say to all of the people now jumping on the Alysia is an awesome character bandwagon simply because of this reveal, she was my favorite character in the DCnU long before you decided to like her for something as shallow as her sexual/gender identity! So get off my fucking Alysia Yeoh bandwagon, you superficial dicks! Ha ha! "Superficial Dicks" would be an excellent name for a trans rock band.

Jack Ryder runs out of the bar in a panic when he realizes the monster is three blocks away from the bar. He is almost crushed by a car but the stupid, interfering Phantom Stranger saves him. Dammit. That would have been the best moment in comics this week! But Ryder is impressed and decides to use The Phantom Stranger and his power to get back on the air. Once he's on the air, I'm sure The Phantom Stranger and Dog will manipulate and use him to their advantage.

As Morgan Edge is evacuating his workers from the PGN building, Ryder shows up and tells Morgan he wants to be rehired with a raise. And to prove that he's worth it (or simply expecting to be rehired because he has such a tremendous ego), Jack is going to remain within the building and broadcast the dangerous events. While Morgan wouldn't let any other employees stay even though they wanted to because Morgan likes them, he readily allows Ryder to remain behind. I guess this is the rehire job interview. If Ryder survives, he's got his old job back.

That's not reporting! That's interpretation! Or misrepresentation! Or complete and utter bullshit with no evidence to support it! Which I think is the definition of bullshit. Not the first definition which is waste material evacuated from a bull's bowels. But the second definition which means big lies!

When is The Stranger going to get stabbed by the Spear of Longinus? I bet that doesn't happen until the final page! What a spoiler!

And then Jack Ryder fails his new interview and it's one of the most awesome moments in DC Comics this week!

I'm pretty sure if you're a character that dies at Dan DiDio's hands, you stay dead. Been nice knowing you, Jack!

Too bad one of my new favorite characters doesn't last very long. Just like when I had that new favorite character in Firestorm! The super patriotic yet insane Firestorm that died the same issue he was introduced? That was stupid. Well, this beast that is enjoying himself way too much in that panel above explodes on the next page with Jack Ryder in its hand. I think the Challengers of the Unknown did something challenging and unknown to it.

Dog finally lets The Stranger go and The Stranger appears before Terrance Thirteen. Thirteen is acting weird so The Stranger decides to finally speak to him kindly instead of screaming at him the entire time. The Stranger is just being nice because Thirteen can, supposedly, help him find his family. So The Stranger even tells Thirteen that he's come to trust him. That has to be a lie because it's completely out of character. The Stranger is simply willing to say whatever he has to say to get his family back. I mean to get Phil's family back.

And then The Question appears and The Phantom Stranger turns back into a stark raving lunatic at the sight of him. They tussle for a bit and then the cover happens on the last page.

What a twist!

The Phantom Stranger #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is meaty and well paced. That wasn't supposed to sound pornographic.

The Phantom Stranger #6

I've always thought of Hell as more of a Nation-State than a City. Unless this cover is just a hellish rendering of Las Vegas. In which case you can disregard my entire oeuvre.

Yeah, it's pretty pretentious to categorize my commentaries as my "oeuvre" when they're really just a bunch of posts calling Scott Lobdell a hack, Ann Nocenti a magnetic poetry loving walrus, and Tom DeFalco's mother's vagina a jerk. Fuck it. We can't all be motherfucking John Steinbeck.

Last issue, a lot of things were not cleared up. But one thing that was cleared up: The Question was the asshat that kidnapped The Phantom Stranger's family and crucified the babysitter. Who does The Question work for? What was his crime that was so terrible that he was blessed cursed with immortality? What's his big punishment? To only ask questions? If I were forced to only speak in questions but be granted immortality at the same time, I think I could live with that. Oh! I guess I'd have to live with it! Hell, if I were in the Phantom Stranger's shoes and was forced to betray people while getting to be immortal, I'd do it. Fuck, who am I kidding? If I were forced to walk around eating dog shit as the price for immortality, I'm not too proud to say no to that deal!

Perhaps DC's Las Vegas is simply hell on earth. So, you know, like normal Las Vegas.

The Phantom Stranger must be a mystical creature of great power since he's allowed to wander around the casino in a hat pulled low over his face and a gigantic trench coat covering up his entire body. Perhaps security just thinks he's performing later. The Phantom Stranger wanders through the casino judging Las Vegas as a place people come to escape from the specter of death constantly looming before them. That doesn't really make Las Vegas any different from anywhere else in the world though. I'm pretty sure everything people do fits into two categories: Survival and I'mma Just Pretend I'm Immortal Over Here. Sure there are subcategories. And since Las Vegas is all about luxury time and frivolous activities, it radiates a sense of desperate urgency more so than, perhaps, a college campus where it looks like people are working toward something or building the future. But there's probably just as much drinking, gambling, and carousing in one as there is in the other. Appearances and cultural judgment aside, we're all just treading water until our arms and legs tire out and we sink into oblivion.

This is a might cheery comic book, isn't it?!

While wandering the casino, The Phantom Stranger gets a phone call from Dr. Thirteen on a prostitute's cell phone.

Does Dr. Thirteen's bag of snacks indicate Beppo's canonical existence in The New 52? Or is he just a made up mascot for a crappy snack food brand? Maybe Beppo is the CEO of a large snack food corporation?

The Phantom Stranger decides to play some High Stakes Poker because the VIP area has mystical blocks all around it. Hopefully he'll be playing with Detective Chimp!

Nope. No Detective Chimp. Just a corpse, three Firestorm Demons, and Carmen San Diego.

The demon players (and possibly the kidnappers of The Phantom's family as opposed to The Question whose name I've been libeling all over the place) are Belial, Suge, and Ruskoff. Suge and Ruskoff are Trigon's sons. Belial is, well, the king of lies, I believe! Unless he's the Lord of Flies? One of those things. Unless it's a different one. I'm currently not on speaking terms with Lord Google, so everybody will just have to be content with my random guessing. Maybe Belial is also one of Trigon's sons!

The Phantom Stranger buys his way into the game with his necklace of silver coins. Carmen San Diego accepts them (she's the dealer!) and deals the cards (See? The dealer!).

The talk over the poker game leads to speculation that Raven kidnapped The Stranger's family because of what he did to her. Good point! There are so many possibilities! Maybe Pandora did it? Or perhaps The Phantom Stranger entered into a fugue state, killed the baby sitter and dumped his family in the ocean because he unconsciously didn't want to deal with the human aspect of his life anymore, and then came back home, hit the outside intercom and said, "Dick Laurent is dead." Or maybe God did it because he was tired of his pet Stranger constantly being distracted by soccer games and soccer games!

Oh, and besides the talk about The Phantom Stranger's personal life, they manage to play some really crappy Hades Hold 'em.

I don't think you're insulting his intelligence at all! You're just showing what a crappy player you are! Needing two more cards for your straight with two cards left to turn up is hardly a "potential straight." That's praying to a fart.

Apparently it wasn't simply knowing how to play poker but The Phantom Stranger's magic Jedi Mind Trick that caused Ruskoff to fold. But he won't be able to use that trick against Suge since Suge goes all in with his three sixes. The Phantom Stranger needs one more card to fill his flush. Belial has a pair of Jacks and a long shot straight as well. Everybody else at the table goes all in as well. Now if Hades Hold 'em uses the same rules as Texas Hold 'em, The Stranger has a pretty decent shot at winning this. But at the beginning of the game, Ruskoff began to tell the rules and Suge shut him the heaven up. So I'm not really sure what a winning hand comprises in this game! Maybe they don't acknowledge flushes and The Stranger is playing a dead hand!

Dude. With a full house, you stab yourself in the face and quit just because you thought The Stranger was cheating? Anyway, why would he need to root around your head to see your cards at this point? When everyone went all in, everybody should have turned their cards over because there's nothing left to do but see the dealer's last two cards. Or last one, at this point. Between this story, Ann Nocenti's Green Arrow poker scene, and the back-up story in Detective Comics with Hugo Strange's son playing poker, I'm beginning to think no one at DC can write a realistic poker scene. Granted, demons are playing poker here. So it's already pretty far outside the realm of realism!

Ruskoff is out because something forced him to fold. Suge is out because something forced him to stab himself in the face. And now, for some reason, Belial chooses to bow out instead of seeing the final card when he realizes The Stranger hasn't been manipulating the other players to cheat at poker but has been rooting around inside of their heads for information about his family's disappearance. Did some other force cause Belial to end the game early as well?

Carmen San Diego is looking a bit gaunt all of a sudden.

The person The Phantom is speaking to in that last panel is Deadman. So I guess he makes it back from Faerie! That means he won't be the one that Constantine leaves behind. That'll probably be Tim Hunter anyway since that's fitting and not a big deal. But getting back to The Phantom Stranger and leaving Justice League Dark commentary for later, Deadman tells The Stranger that the demons weren't lying. They have no idea what happened to The Stranger's family.

After the encounter, The Stranger gets another phone call from Dr. Thirteen. He tells The Stranger to get his ass over to his lab as soon as possible or it will be the end of everything. He's lying simply to get him back so The Question can fuck with him. So after all that, it looks like The Question did kidnap The Stranger's family. And this wild goose chase was simply The Question's way of creating a rift between Belial and The Stranger because The Question is a dick.

The Phantom Stranger #6 Rating: No change. How long before Detective Chimp shows up? That's all I ask!