Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1

Every time I simply glanced at this cover, I thought, "Why is Swamp Thing suddenly in this book?"

DC Comics is not making it very easy to follow this Doomed story! At the end of the last issue of Doomed (Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10), the "next issue" blurb told me to read Action Comics Annual #3. But then the annuals came out alongside the newest issue of Action Comics which claims it's Chapter 1 of Last Sun. The cover of Superman Loves Wonder Woman proclaims it's Chapter 3 of Superdoom which means I should read it before Action Comics Annual #3 which proclaims it's Chapter 4 of Superdoom. But then when I open up Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1, it says that it's Chapter 3 of Last Sun! That forces me to open up Action Comics Annual #3 to make sure it's not actually Chapter 2 of Last Sun which would mean the covers are wrong and I should begin by reading Action Comics #34! But it states it's Chapter 4 of Last Sun inside which doesn't actually make anything perfectly clear but leads me to believe that whoever did the layout on the inside title pages of the Annuals fucked it up. So I'm going to ignore what Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10 told me, and I'm going to ignore the title pages inside the annuals, and I'm going to trust that the covers are telling me the correct order in which to read Doomed! It's a good thing these Annuals didn't have Selfie or 75 Years of Batman variants or I'd be completely lost!

I still might actually be completely lost. I won't know for sure until I begin reading.

This issue begins with another article by Lois "Bride of Brainiac" Lane printed in the Daily Planet. I'm not sure who is still printing issues of The Daily Planet when everybody in Metropolis is in a coma, but who am I, really, to ask such questions? It's the populace of America that should be asking questions. Questions like "How is this Lois Lane the only person not in a coma?" and "How is this Lois Lane printing newspapers all by herself?" and "Why do people read this woman's articles when she has such a tenuous hold on the English language?" and "What's The Daily Planet? Is that basically the main paper for some city in which I don't live so would never read unless it was to prove that I was some highfalutin intellectual type that wished that I lived in New York City?" Another question people should be asking is, "Will breathing this much Kryptonite give me cancer?" Also this question: "Shouldn't we help Superman? He's done so much to save us and our world and now we're just going to turn on him and hang him out to dry when he's obviously sick and suffering?" But, again, who am I to raise such questions? I'm just a caveman!

Dammit! I let my secret slip! Forget you read that last part. If only I understood these newfangled typing machines well enough to remove things that I've written that I don't want people to read!

See? I wasn't hallucinating this time!

The issue begins with Cyborg Superman insulting Superman because he's come down with a disease. Does nobody care that Superman is sick and that he didn't choose this? I don't expect Cyborg Superman to help him, and I realize he's Superman's enemy, but it still feels a bit unnecessary when he tells Superman that it's a good thing the people of Krypton are dead so they are "spared the shame" of seeing what's become of Superman. It's not like he's ravaged by space syphilis due to visiting every backwater brothel in the universe. Even then he'd still be suffering from a disease but, you know, one maybe he could have tried a bit harder to prevent. And he might be a space sex addict to boot, so calling him a disgrace is still counter productive! Somebody help this poor man!

Superman answers Cyborg Superman's insults by pulling his arm off. Now who's the disgrace, One-Arm?! Just imagine what your robotic ancestors would shamefully think having to look at your imperfect body! So shameful! What an embarrassment!

While the two, um, Kryptonians? bicker over? under? Mars, Cyborg Superman's fleet of tiny? Brainiac ships begin their invasion of Earth. Too bad Superman is the only hero that could possibly stop it!

But wait! I forgot about heroic Lana Lang, the greatest electrical engineer on the planet! She's taken courses that enabled her to read brain waves and she's studied the invasion tactics of alien species by use of radio communications! She's the only hero not infected by Doomsday left that can stop the attack!

Superman doesn't trust the rest of Earth's heroes to save the day either, so he heads back to Earth to stop Brainiac's fleet. He must be delirious. He knows Batman is still on Earth, right? And everybody knows that Batman always saves the day, right? Ergo, Superman is tripping his balls off from Doomsday Fever. And he gets even worse once he flies directly into the Kryptonite soaked atmosphere. Poor guy.

I once had a fever so intense when I was four or five that I had a psychic dream about events concerning the next day. Okay, I had one fever dream about an outline of a minotaur chasing me around a labyrinth and when I slew him with a sword, he unraveled into a puddle-like outline. The next day, I vomited all over my grandparents' porch and the vomit puddle was in the exact shape of the minotaur from the dream the night before. Also, we went to Happy Hollow the next day (yes, with me horribly sick and possibly Patient Zero for the impending zombie apocalypse) where they had a labyrinth that I couldn't go into but had to watch my cousins play in while I sat on a bench feeling miserable.

I bet you wish you still wore that gun strapped to your hip, hunh, Green Lantern?

At least Superman was right that some of Earth's heroes would be useless. Like Hawkman, which is totally obvious (totes obvious if you're annoying), and Simon Baz, which is less obvious being that he's a Green Lantern but not so less obvious and more sort of quite obvious when you realize the Green Lantern rings suck ass so far in The New 52. They barely have any effect on anything anymore!

Since Superman and Wonder Woman are the only heroes whose names are on the cover of this comic book, they're the only ones that will be worth a damn in the current fight. But Batman is working behind the scenes to remove the Kryptonite from the air! How about if he just points out that Earth didn't have enough Kryptonite for a Kryptonite bomb that would pollute the entire atmosphere in the first place? Will that work? Can he just call "Continuity Foul" and save the day?

I'm going to qualify this as an official psychic premonition by Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! As opposed to simply an association between Charles Soule and Swamp Thing and my lack of observational skills.

The Red Lanterns also make an appearance. But She-Hulk doesn't, for some reason. Sexist!

Apparently a bow and arrow is more effective than a Green Lantern ring. Also, the Gobi Desert is where the Galactic Hero Corps were defeated. Also, Bleez's ass.

In space, hiding behind the moon, Cyborg Superman begins building a Halo. Or a Stargate. Possibly a Space Rectum. But whatever he's building, Steel doesn't think it should be finished. Especially if it's a Space Rectum. So he exits the ship to battle Cyborg Superman. I forget. Did he teach Lana Lang how to land this thing if he's killed?

Back on Earth, Superman is losing the battle against Doomsday. So Wonder Woman arrives to help her boyfriend.

Looks like Ed Benes is taking his turn at the art. I don't actually know if the above panel was by Ed Benes but I see a couple of things in it that arouse my suspicion.

Back behind the moon, Steel gets his ass handed to him even if the artist fucked everything up. But Lana saves his ass only to get her ship's ass shot up by heat vision. And having a shot up ship in a vacuum is probably one of those very bad things unbearable people often talk about. But in all the tragedy, Cyborg delivers some good news!

Condor is down! Repeat, Condor is down! I hope his wounds are mortal! Oh please let his wounds be mortal!

Meanwhile in Action Comics Annual #3, Batman saves the day by removing the Kryptonite from the atmosphere! I can't wait to read how he saves the day! I bet he builds a gigantic Bat-vacuum powered by the grief of losing ones parents at an early age! He probably recruits a bunch of orphans to ride stationary bicycles which channel their grief. And he'll probably name them Robin #4 through Robin #363!

Superman regains control of himself (for now!) and Brainiac's fleet begins to self-destruct because the heroes were just too damn heroic. But the celebrating is fleeting since Cyborg Superman finishes his Space Rectum and out comes The Collector of Worlds! I think. It's Brainiac, right? I don't know. Maybe it's a Space Tape Worm.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1 Rating: This annual returned to DC's fine tradition of making annuals essential reading! At least it's essential if you're reading the Doomed story arc. If the other story arc is simply about Batman sucking Kryptonite out of the atmosphere, then that one won't be essential at all! It was only one panel in this comic book and that seemed to work out just fine. I don't need to know the details about how Batman saved the day. It was obvious that he was going to save the day! What else does Batman do with days? Not save them? Come on!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #9

I think these Kryptonians need some serious therapy.

I know how to stop Superdoomsdayman and save the day! As long as Deadman isn't busy with his own life and he doesn't mind remaining in this body for the rest of eternity. It's not like he'd be any worse off than The Thing over in Marvel. Like Thing, he just needs to find a blind girl with an inability to feel tactile sensations and he can live happily ever after in this bony, jacked-up body. But what about Clark's personality, you ask? Well fuck. I'm sure Constantine can transfer it into the body of a dolphin or something. This is a comic book! Am I seriously supposed to believe none of the magic users in the DC Universe can stop this shit? What use are they?!

I suppose since the magic characters aren't allowed in certain story lines because they'd fix the problem too quickly, I'll just have to see how Superman, Wonder Woman, and Supergirl punch this problem into submission.

This issue begins with The Daily Planet printing government propaganda and slapping Lois's name on it to make it seem trustworthy.

I'm reading this on the correct date!

As you can read, all nations gave the United States of America the go ahead to drop a bomb on Superman because he was being a total dick. Nobody should worry about the side-effects of the bomb though! Only the entire atmosphere has been adulterated with a cancer causing substance. Way to go, North Korea! You're against everything the American government does but you couldn't go against them on this stupid decision?! Actually, you know they were against it which is one of the many reasons this article is such obvious propaganda to ensure the populace that there is no way in hell they are suing anybody later in life when they're all coming down with K-Cancer.

Also, Superdoom is a fucking stupid name. Stop robbing him of his "humanity" just to sensationalize the story! You don't tack on "cancer" to the name of your loved ones when they get cancer! "Hey, Jimcancer! Are you still dying? How about I fill the room with a gigantic green fart? Feel better now?"

Yes but it doesn't all die at the hands of Doomsday, you arrogant prick.

Death is easy, Doomsday. Anybody can be the hands of death. And, as you said, everything dies. So what are you actually accomplishing? Nothing, you stupid fuck. At most you're a gentle breeze fanning the flames of a forest fire that is already going to wipe out everything whether you blew by or not. You're a narcissistic piece of shit and Lois Lane shouldn't be giving you any coverage at all. This lead should be buried and your name forgotten. Nobody cares about you and your death-dealing antics. You're a piece of shit that should just take his own life quietly and alone, the way people used to take their own lives long before they realized they could at least make the national news circuit on their way out of the mortal realm. Anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter. Superman is going to kick your ass before you can kill anybody else. Because unlike Batman who refuses to kill but still only saves the day after innocent people die, Superman can save everybody before they die! Unless they're his parents. And all of those other people that blame Superman for their deaths simply because he didn't stop death completely. But he can stop Doomsday!

I think.

Wonder Woman has followed Superman into the jungles of Brazil where he's destroying more rain forest in a few minutes than the locals have destroyed in decades. She has asked her sister Hessia for help finding a cure for Superman.

She's also developed a lazy eye. Superman hit her harder than I realized.

I would have gathered up Zatanna and John Constantine, personally. But I guess an exiled Amazonian healer might be able to come up with some solutions.

For a healer, Hessia has some seriously tricked out armor to protect her when gathering medicinal herbs. And since the belt clasp is two Ws on top of each other, she'll probably hand this armor off to Diana when Hessia is through with it. And by "through with it," I mean dead.

Forget triage. I think Hessia was actually a veterinarian. "This animal is really sick and it's trying to bite me when I examine it. It should be euthanized."

To prove Superman is more dangerous than Diana thinks, Hessia reveals to Superman that she was the one that sent the pictures of Clark and Diana fucking to Clarkcatropolis.com. She did it because Superman wanted to keep the relationship secret and her BFF Wonder Woman didn't want that at all. So she decided to butt her Amazonian ass into their relationship instead of letting them decide together. Just as she predicted, this pisses Clark off just a little bit and he allows his Doomsday side to punch her up a bit.

To keep Hessia from getting killed, Wonder Woman hogties Superman and flies him up above the Kryptonite cloud so he regains his rationality.

Deep into the heart of the sun! Or Ysmault!

After Wonder Woman heads back to Earth to catch her breath and put on a heavy cardigan, the Red Lanterns show up to beat the shit out of Superman. They're the guardians of Sector 2814 so it's their responsibility to put him down! You can't let some other yokel take him behind the shed and shoot him. You have to deal with this shit yourself or you'll wind up blubbering about it for the rest of the movie and annoying everybody with your moaning. Although Superman isn't really Guy Gardner's problem. But he kind of is Supergirl's problem since some people think family is important for some reason. I think family is just a bunch of people society tries to guilt you into liking.

The only thing the Red Lanterns accomplish is forcing Doomsday back to the surface. That probably means Clark is going to change his mind about that sabbatical in the sun. Also, Superman manages to toss the Red Lanterns down to Antarctica. Or the Arctic. Oh, who cares? DC Comics treats them like the same place.

Maybe the Reds can take him back to Ysmault and dunk him in the Blood Ocean! That usually solves their rage problems.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you want to compare apples and oranges, take this issue of Doomed and compare it to Lobdell's issue of Doomed in Superman #31. Technically, since they're both comic books, that shouldn't be described as comparing apples and oranges. But apples and oranges have more in common than that thrown together piece of shit and this fabulously well-written piece of fiction.

Action Comics #19

I should probably start guessing at what the big twist is going to be on the 2nd half of the covers. I probably would have guessed Batman!

I don't know anything about Andy Diggle but since he already quit this comic book, it doesn't really matter. What really matters is that the only things I've heard so far are that Tony S. Daniel or Scott Lobdell (perhaps first one, then the other) are going to be taking over the writing duties for this comic book. And that is just horribly sad and depressing news. So far in The New 52, Tony S. Daniel was responsible for The Dark Knight filled with confusing layouts and terrible writing ("Two-Face no longer. You can call me One-Face now!"?). The Savage Hawkman was also confusing and not very interesting although it was Rob Liefeld who really wrecked that one. And I won't go over all the comic books that Scott Lobdell has ruined. But I'm fairly certain I've given him credit for writing one decent scene across all of his books so far. So I'm not very hopeful for the future of Action Comics.

The Action begins one year ago in a bar in Qurac as Lois and Clark are busy with doing actual investigative reporting. Some of you younger kids might not know what that is. It's where the reporters don't just gather in a room to hear the official press release and then everybody reports the press release even if it's obviously all lies and obfuscation. See, in the old days, reporters would hear bullshit and then they'd investigate that bullshit and then they'd put politicians toes to the fire and expose them for the fucktards they really are. Nowadays, the press actually wonder if it's their job to dig out the truth of statements they report on. Fuck them. Fuck them all!

Shouldn't Clark get his own symbol for a Narration Box? Like a pair of glasses? Or a tie? Because that is not fucking Superman speaking there.

I can't tell if Clark is making a joke with that all thumbs thing since most people text using only their thumbs. He is a fairly self-effacing droll character. Plus he's humble! I like how he pretends to hang out at the bar all day while he's really probably helping Lois get the story and save the prisoners as Superman. Or Super Sheik since he probably had to be in disguise.

I suppose this is one year ago since Superman recently lost his job at the Daily Planet in Lobdell's Superman. Because Clark Kent didn't scream like a girl and hide under the bed when the area was bombed the night before, Lois is completely turned on by his brave manliness. I bet if he changed a tire right about now, she'd pull up her skirt and jump on his face. Instead, she tries to take his glasses off and almost discovers his secret identity! But instead of removing his glasses, Clark gets a message to meet a contact and he's off. I bet the contact is Batman!

As soon as Clark is out the door, Lois is hit on by Jon Carroll. I think that's the guy she's dating over in Superman! Unless she was dating him in Action Comics. So basically Clark Kent got Lois all hot but he took off just before she made her move and this other guy swept in and got all of Kent's action. That's a pretty smart move, Jon Carroll! Meanwhile, Clark is out in the alley taking off his clothes all by himself. Yeesh. I bet Batman is going to be surprised!

Superman's contact's note sends him off to a Quraci dock to destroy a cache of weapons. When he arrives, some war machines are waiting for him! I bet Batman set it up to test Superman's strength for future reference!

Why am I so obsessed with Batman being a part of this comic book? Well, who else would Superman trust to find the best information?

Anyway, Superman defeats the War Machines after about nine pages of showing what Superman can do and some of the weapons that throw him off balance. When he's done breaking them apart, he goes to interrogate one of the pilots.

Subdermal thermite? That can't be comfortable.

So that's the big surprise cover? Over in one page? Jimmy Olsen isn't actually Jimmy Olsen? At this point, I have to wonder how much of this comic was actually written by Andy Diggle and how much was just Tony Daniel and Editorial taking over after Diggle walked. Not that I know Diggle's style. But this Jimmy Olsen reveal makes it seem like the cover's big surprise might have been part of a different story. And the fact that nine pages were taken up by a fight scene reminds me of some shitty aspects of early Hawkman. Perhaps the Jimmy Olsen thing will make more sense when I find out who sent these War Machines after Superman.

Lex Luthor appears on the next page probably because he's the one behind it but more probably because he's the one that everyone probably expected to be Superman's "greatest enemy". Except these covers were advertised as WTF Covers and they're supposed to reveal some kind of surprise twist. And Lex Luthor as Superman's enemy is never a surprise!

The cover would have been more shocking if they showed Lex Luthor plotting and then on the flip side show his shrink taking notes.

So Superman is brave and strong and Lex Luthor is smart and manipulative. Got it! I'm ready for these two to go at it now!

Lex Luthor's plot was to stick some nanites in Superman during the battle with the War Machines. Now Lex can recode Superman's DNA at will. Which doesn't really make much sense. But then it's Lex Luthor and he's much smarter than me. More smarter than me? Mostly smarterer than me? Anyway, the nanites decide to change the gene sequences in Superman's hand so that they're the genes of a lizard and then the nanites activate those genes to grow into a lizard hand and then Superman's hand reforms into a lizard hand. That's totally how science works!

You know, if this were just some X-men x-Gene activation, I wouldn't fucking question it at all!

I would have done this to his cock.

Oh, by the way, that was the last panel and it took up two pages. Good old Tony S. Daniel!

There is no back-up story because that story took 25 pages. But usually the $3.99 books are 28 pages! So what does DC do with the final two pages? Well, one page informs the reader that this story continues in Action Comics #20 and #21. Fuck yeah! I was wondering where to find the end of this story! That was worth the wasted fucking page. The next page shows Superman in his Black Suit with a red sun and machines flying in the sky behind him with the tag, "THEN THINGS TO COME...". And then the last page shows an alternate version of the variant cover that shows Lex and Jimmy and Lois and Superman and another woman that didn't make it into this story. Probably because Andy Diggle quit and didn't tell anybody what her role was in the story he was writing.

Action Comics #19 Rating: -1 Ranking. I like that Superman and Lex Luthor are going to face off. But I didn't care for the pacing of this comic book at all. And I'll never give a comic book a good rating when they make me pay for their bullshit ads and looks at variant covers as part of the cover price. Throw those in for free if you want to add extra pages. But don't sell me a 25 page story for a 28 page story price. I was a little more lenient with this early on in The New 52 before I really became comfortable with the standard lengths. But now I have expectations and DC needs to meet those expectations or refund my fucking money! Bastards!