Sinestro #23

"Let them use cock rings!" -- Famous French Clueless Royal Person Who Gave Out Free Cock Rings and Sparked a Revolution. Seriously. I would tell you to Wiki it but, I mean, someone probably accidentally deleted the entry or something. That's why I don't remember his name. He was an interesting figure because he thought no matter how little the people had, sexual pleasure could make up for most of life's disappointments. But he failed to take into account that most of the poor, unwashed masses he was tossing the cock rings to didn't have any sexual prospects. These losers were already really angry about how life was not only violent and hopeless but it was also withholding from them one of the few things even animals seemed to enjoy willy-nilly. Putting a cock ring in their hands just exacerbated the problem and it wasn't long before royalty, leaders, good looking guys, and fit women who said no were getting their dicks and vaginas chopped off in the public square. It was a time of great unrest although Fedora manufacturers and sellers made a killing.

The Review!
I should probably put this review behind a pay wall so that Cullen Bunn doesn't accidentally see it and get butt hurt over people having opinions! I can see why he would get upset about my reviews of his work though because my opinions are so close to facts as to be indistinguishable. Was that sentence okay? Did I need a "from them" at the end of it? Why do words and sentences have so many rules? No wonder Cullen Bunn has trouble writing! I wish my Writing Assistant and Editor and Run To The Shop To Buy Sandwiches Boy, Pickle Boy, were still around to fix my writing mistakes. But no! He's gone off to have a family and live a life and grow old and have enough money for a funeral and a grave. What a show off! So now I have to try to make fun of Cullen Bunn's ability to write with a poorly executed and hardly refined writing style! It makes me look like a fucking joke, Pickle Boy! How dare you leave me! Why did you leave me when I needed you the most?! I'm so hungry for a sandwich!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Sinestro thinking about things that never existed before this moment because they didn't exist before this moment. But now Sinestro needs to make some kind of point about life or something, so now New Korugar is a really harsh place to live. Before now, the Korugarians just wandered around the rocks pissing on Sinestro's reputation. But now they're all running about wildly while a massive dust storm rages around them and the shelters they are not in. Sinestro calmly watches them from a cliff protected in a yellow bubble with his motivational plot device and vagina, Lyssa. Not once does he think, "I guess I don't really fucking care about my people, do I? Has relying on a woman who sees the future crippled my ability to have any insight into my own self? Am I incapable of admitting that I made a mistake seeking out the last of my people? Being angry and a victim seemed like such a good idea at the time but now I'm burdened with a responsibility I never wanted. I just wanted people to not only stop criticizing me but to also maybe praise me for my compassion! By the way, remember to look up 'compassion' in the dictionary to see if I'm doing it right." I suppose this all makes sense because Sinestro is a serious Type-A Personality Dickfuck and will always be a Type-A Personality Dickfuck. He thinks anything he does is the absolutely right thing that should have been done and anybody who disagrees with him is a dumb cunt with delusions of rationality.

Oh! Excuse me! I meant a "dumb barn owl with delusions of rationality." I forget that some people have problems with words but they don't mind if I replace that word with an innocuous word but still infuse it with all the same meaning of the original word. Mostly because not many people know that when I say "barn owl", I really mean "cunt". Most of the time. The other night while driving to one of the stores I clean at about eleven at night, a huge bird swooped down and landed in the opposite lane. I slowly passed by and it was a barn owl just calmly looking at me. You shouldn't read the barn owl in that anecdote as a secret code! I don't think.

Sinestro believes he is making his people strong by making them suffer. Remember that part where I mentioned he was a Type-A Personality Dickfuck? Yeah. Anyway, his people are going to really grow strong in adversity soon because the Red Lanterns are on their way to shit lava and vomit blood all over New Korugar. Oh! I think this story is an allegory about Cullen Bunn and his time at DC Comics!

Soranik takes a bunch of Yellow Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn and meets a bunch of Red Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn to fight in space so a bunch of Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn die.

The fight doesn't last ten years because Geoff Johns isn't writing it. It only lasts a page or two because this is the last issue and Cullen Bunn needs to pack. Besides, the whole point of the fight is to get some terraforming thing that I didn't remember the Red Lanterns had so that Sinestro can prove that he finally looked up compassion in the dictionary.

Ugh! I like him better when he's the hero of his own delusional story and just a Type-A Personality Dickfuck in everybody else's.

The book ends with Lyssa telling Sinestro that she still sees the future that sucks hard. Sinestro is all, "Shucks! I brought order to the entire universe and nothing wrong is happening anywhere in it because of me and my greatness but now something is coming to destroy all of my hard work that didn't seem that hard when you think about it like maybe I didn't actually do what I like to think I did? Anyway, I guess I have to end my story for now with the most cliché ending where I hint at drama and tension and Armageddon to come just as the story ends with the word 'end' followed by a question mark. Get it?! It's like, 'Is the story really over?! Who knows?!'"

Sinestro #22

My guess is that by the end of Issue #23, Soranik will be completely corrupted by the power of the Yellow Ring and simply become a female Sinestro.

Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "BloodRed" (all one word!) because it stars Dex-Starr. Why did Group Editor Handsy McAssgrabber allow Cullen Bunn to write Dex-Starr after he tried to kill him the last time he appeared? Is he going to try to kill him once and for all before flouncing out of the DC offices for the final time? I don't trust this Bunn guy at all!

Dex-Starr isn't the only Red Lantern to appear in this story. There's also the sexy one, and the other one that I don't recognize, and another one that I don't know, and still another one whose name I've probably never heard. Their attack on a peaceful space science station might be terrifying and horrific but it began with their Red Lantern Oath which is just terrible. I'm going to assume that Geoff Johns wrote that because my research assistant and fact checker, Pickle Boy, has abandoned me. And judging by the Red Lantern Oath and that alone, Geoff Johns is the worst writer in the history of writing. Probably in the prehistory of writing as well! You know, the days of cave paintings and oral sex.

Maybe the Red Lantern Oath just doesn't translate into English very well. I bet it's truly bowel-loosening in its original language.

On New Korugar, Soranik bandages young Korugarian knees while Sinestro does the hard work of leadership behind the scenes. But he's still weak from...um...not having enough heart? I didn't realize a person could use a ring so much that they just die. Those rings should come with a warning label. Also, this comic book should come with a warning label. I think I've read too much of it because I'm beginning to feel sick and weak.

Dez Trevius investigates the site of the Red Lantern attack and is ambushed because his Yellow Ring is a worse researcher and fact checker than Pickle Boy was. Instead of immediately going, "Red Energy Signature Detected! Lots of signs of angry life!", it goes, "Der! Duh! Uhm! Something's near? Maybe you should check before I finish working out what the danger is." But they don't kill him. They need him to lead them back to New Korugar. I guess the Red Rings are even worse at research than everything else I mentioned that was bad at research! I bet if Bleez (she's the sexy one!) asked her ring, "Ring, find New Korugar!", it would be all, "ARRRGLE BLARG! BLLLLLAAAAARRRRRF! SMASH!" Which is why the Dez Trevius plan!

In the final issue, the Yellow Lanterns and the Red Lanterns are going to have a battle! Are we placing bets on whether or not Cullen Bunn was given the go-ahead to kill Sinestro?! I hope he was!

Sinestro #21

Someone bought this comic book because the cover looked exciting and now they're questioning every decision they've ever made.

Rating: It's Easter morning so I'm going to pretend I understand what it's like to have the compassion of Jesus and not lower the ranking of this comic book. Although, how compassionate was Jesus really? He fucking ruined the last supper he had with his closest friends by calling them out on future bad behavior. How fucked up is that? "Dudes, I've got some bad news. Some of the people sitting here are going to wind up being real huge dicks later." I wonder if Jesus had a whole list of really petty shit that was cut from the Bible in editing. "Judas is going to betray me. Peter will deny me. Mark will neglect his pet dog. Luke is going to write some fanfic about my birth. James is going to carve his and my initials inside a little heart on that tree over there. All the other ones are going to suddenly remember my thing about being fishers of men and not resorting to violence when they have the chance to save my life."

• Thankfully, this comic book is finished at Issue #23 and Cullen Bunn has no part in DC's Rebirth. Now if only Scott Lobdell would manage the same deal. How did Lobdell get handed the keys to Jason Todd and Roy Harper? Why does DC want to punish their fans so badly?

• Soranik is now leader of the Yellow Lanterns because Sinestro forgot how to recharge his ring.

• Everybody on Earth loves the Yellow Lanterns now. Which is totally believable because the people of the DC Youniverse are complete morons. They hate Superman who has never done anything to harm them but who could. They love Sinestro and the Yellow Lanterns because they've saved them this one time and all the other shit they've done to the Earth can be explained away by the Reboot. Maybe.

• This line is a good example of a hack writer.

• Does Cullen Bunn know what comic books are? He does know that pictures are added to his script, right?

• Lyssa has prophesied the fall of the Sinestro Corps not because she's a prophet but because Cullen Bunn is a hack. Prophecies create easy tension! They're lazy plot devices. It's why the television show Heroes was such a piece of shit, especially the second season. Because they relied on glimpses of the future to motivate the people of the present. It's a lazy way to cause conflict.

• Lyssa tells Sinestro that she knows the future and she knows a way for him to change the future to his liking. How about she just tell the reader everything she knows right now so the comic book can end here and now?

• Mongul returns to his senses and begins murdering Yellow Lanterns. Once again, power rings, the most powerful weapons in the universe, have no effect on an enemy when the plot calls for it.

• Mongul heads to Earth to hide because there are currently too many lanterns. Even though the yellow light just bounces off his face? What a coward.

I know how hope relates to fear: "I hope I don't die!"

• Cullen Bunn is allowed to write a small scene with Superman and Wonder Woman. It's a mistake. Instead of writing them in character, he simply makes them say things in service to Sinestro and the yellow lanterns. "Oh! Oh! I loved having a Yellow Ring! The power!" "I want to fuck Bekka!" "Me too!"

• Cullen Bunn also writes the people of Earth as sycophants pleading for the Yellow Lanterns to protect the Earth because Superman fucking sucks and Batman is a cop and Wonder Woman is being written by the Finches!

• Soranik appoints Arkillo as the Yellow Lantern of Sector 2814 (although, really, she's telling him to stay on Earth). She allows Saint Walker to be his sidekick.

They would just shrug and say, "Yeah, yeah. What super hero group doesn't cause the threats they save us from? Yawn!"

• The Sinestro Corps heads home to New Korugar to await the super special ending of this comic book. I don't actually know if it will have any kind of special ending. I just know it'll be awesome to read "The End."

Green Lantern #47

What to use for the next Coast City Gazette headline? "Green Lantern Returns!" or "Fifty Dead in Coast Highway Pile-up"?

Two Sinestro Corps members that I've never seen before begin this comic book by flying through space pissing themselves in fear. You'd think being a Yellow Lantern would make you fearless but if you were fearless than you'd be a Green Lantern! Unless I have that all wrong. I've never really cared about the spectrum lanterns. Some people think it's the Epic of Gilgamesh of Green Lantern comic books. I think it's more "elaborating on an idea Geoff Johns had while trolling for supportive ex-wives of participants in the Gay Pride Parade."

You know how Sinestro wasn't really a great fit for the Green Lanterns even though he met the criteria? I want a story about the Blue Lanterns where a ring chooses somebody like Hitler or Donald Trump to be a member. Not that I'm equating Donald Trump with Hitler because only one of those guys was charismatic.

Anyway, back to the two Sinestro Corps members I've never seen before. I mean, I don't think I've seen them before. Maybe I have. It's just that they're all kind of goofy and ridiculous and since these two are about to be killed by a Green Lantern that may or may not be an aspect of Hal Jordan which escaped during some weird story from the seventies that will be referenced, I'm assuming they're not important members of the Sinestro Corps. In my shriveled little heart of hearts, I kind of hope these are Cullen Bunn's two favorite Sinestro Corps members.

Hal Jordan has now returned to Earth to check on his family. Luckily Guy and the Red Lanterns aren't around to beat him up for being in Sector 2814. Although Warworld is hovering on the other side of the planet battling the Pale Bishop's army! I hope Hal doesn't get drawn into that bullshit.

Hal has a little bit of trouble breaking into his brother's place.

Do to his hair?! He's obviously done absolutely nothing to it!

The cop tells Hal's brother that there will be a fine for a false alarm. Oh bullshit! I don't believe that's how these things actually work! Although, having set off a number of alarms myself due to my floor business, I don't believe the police actually respond to these alarms like this! The first matter of business is for the alarm company to do its due diligence and call the residence to find out if it's a mistake. Then the robber answers the phone and says, "Oh, um, yeah. I'm the, like, um, floor guy or something. They changed the code on the alarm and shit." Then they also contact the manager or owner of the property who tells them that they weren't expecting the floor guy so maybe they should send the cops. Then the cops come and if it is the floor guy and he's white, nobody gets shot and it all resolves nicely except for the part where the floors still need to be cleaned and waxed.

Hal's brother's apartment is boring. No way he has a family if his place looks like that. No wife because there is no color. No kids because there is no mess. Although it's possible he does have a wife and kids' corpses under the bare floorboards.

Why is Hal's brother so obsessed with guys having long hair?! His brother returns from space and in the first five minutes, he brings up Hal's hair at least three times!

Hal and his brother Jim meet up with his brother's wife and kids at the amusement park on the pier where Sonar is planning some kind of terrorist attack. I bet this is the court ordered location to exchange the kids for visits because I still don't believe a woman lives in that apartment.

At the park, Jim continues to be unlikeable as he criticizes the way other people don't wear button up shirts tucked into belted pants with tight haircuts.

Jim's kids are on the Ferris wheel when Sonar's bomb is set off by the ambient noise of the park. That explains why it's all tilted and falling down on the cover! I just figured The Joker fucked it up years ago and nobody bothered to fix it.

Hal tries to keep everybody from dying but it looks like he might have failed to save his nephew Howard because fuck Howard. What did he ever bring to this comic book anyway?! It's his own fault for being a supporting character in a superhero comic book, the little bastard. Hal's been around a long time and should have already learned the bit about not being able to save everyone but it's nice to remind smug and arrogant heroes of the fact every now and again by shoving a girlfriend in the fridge or dropping a nephew on his head or introducing a sidekick to a crowbar.

Meanwhile in space, the Green Lantern killing Yellow Lanterns is old Hal Jordan in his Parallax costume. He's muttering shit about Emerald Twilights and Crimson Dawns. I suppose this is the actual Preboot universe Parallax who went back in time to help stop the Crisis On Infinite Earths from ever happening. Like Lois and Clark, he must have been allowed to live in whatever universe he wanted and he chose the DC You because it needed better space protection.

Green Lantern #47 Rating: No change. Often I've found myself quietly contemplating my life sat outside a local coffee shop drinking iced tea and thinking, "You know what I never got my fill of? Parallax!" Then I shatter the tea cup and gouge out my own eyes for simply thinking something so stupid. Then people passing by rush up to help and scream, "Somebody call 911! This guy was obviously wishing for more Parallax stories!" Then I wake up screaming, not because I just dreamt about gouging out my eyes but because my dream-self actually contemplated needing more Parallax stories. It's also why I don't sleep with anything sharp near the bed because I always look around for something to gouge out my eyes when I have that dream. Um, anyway, yay! Parallax is back! Now where did I leave those scissors?!

Green Lantern Annual #4

Another issue of Green Lanterns Corps Quarterly!

Annual Time! Annual Time! I think I wrote a song about Annual Time! But I can't remember it so I think it went like this! Break me off a piece of that Annual Time!

I'm tired of trying to sound coherent when I write! What am I? A college professor?! I'm not even an internet smart person! You know those people. Always talking about pop culture through the lens of Greek Drama or Franzhelm Nietzsche's Philosophy or Critical Literary Theory! I'm not even smart enough to know which words to not capitalize! And I'm constantly using exclamation points to dress up my sentences so it seems like they're full of passionate intensity as opposed to lacking all conviction! Maybe I'd sound smarter if my tone were more somber which means maybe I should use more periods! A punctuation mark must exist which is the opposite of the exclamation point. You know? The one you use at the end of all of your spoken sentences when you're at a funeral? What does that punctuation mark look like? Oh! I think I know. Let me try it out.

"I was very sorry to hear that your grandmother was run over by a Rangifer tarandus:("

No, that won't work. Some people read and write their emoticons from right to left and then that just looks like somebody with a furrowed brow who's annoyed about the death of your grandmother. Also, I don't think emoticons should be used as punctuation. I didn't spend four and a half years in a state school's Literature Program and not learn a little something about ignoring the rules. Before I can flagrantly disregard proper punctuation, I have to become a famous poet! It's also possible that I can pretend to be a famous novelist who knows what he's doing while really just writing sleep-deprived rants in the manner of John Dos Passos. If only I had the same kind of confidence and audacity as that guy! And also his talent! Dammit! There go all the exclamation points again! Maybe I should just remove the key from my laptop?

Okay then. From now on, somber tones. Somber tones. Also try to remember that I can't type the number one anymore.

Hal Jordan has come to a planet that is full of criminals as he runs from the Green Lanterns. I hope he's not about to meet Jack T. Chance.

Nope. It's worse.

The problem I have with people into philosophy isn't that they're smart but that they never seem to think for themselves. It's always, "Well so-and-so (where "so-and-so" is the name of one of the many philosophers I totally know but don't want to pick on) thinks life is like a box of chocolates." Then they might expound on how they agree or disagree with so-and-so but through examples of other philosophers and their thoughts. They also love to disagree with anything anybody says because they don't believe anybody else has ever given any real thought to their own beliefs. Obviously we're all just running around spouting catch phrases and talking points. Whenever somebody says they're into philosophy, that usually just means that they want you to think they're smart without having to put in any work proving that they are. And if they have to put in work, it'll usually come in quotes from books they want you to think they've read completely rather than opinions they formed on their own. I believe in coming up with my own opinions based on not having to read lengthy and boring philosophy books!

Oh shit! The space where the exclamation point key was still functions even when the little flat bit has been removed! Apparently I don't understand how computers work.

Robert Venditti should be writing Twat Lobo. I almost liked him during the brief exchange with Hal! He had that type of confident arrogance that somebody who knows they can murder anybody who attacks them generally has. When I meet people like that, I always feel like I'm looking in a mirror! The Twat Lobo over in those other books is constantly flashing his bravado. That's the sign of a coward! And possibly a twat! I don't really know what the definition of "twat" is but I'm pretty sure Lobo has earned the moniker.

Hal doesn't run for long before the Green Lanterns catch up with him. The lanterns are 2-6-8-1-7-9-5, Wolverilla, Salaak, the one made of fire, and one whose name begins with "V", I think.

That's where the story ends for now. Because Hal Jordan is telling this old story to his new friends, The Little Prince and Trapper Keeper. For reference, I usually use an Oxford Comma so that should allow you to understand the previous sentence better.

Okay Trapper. You're stealing my shtick now.

Hal has some touching moments bonding with his crew that involve muzzles, mourning, and another word that begins with "M" that probably isn't masturbation before he gets back to his story.

Hal comes to a part of his story that only makes sense if viewed through one disgusting pop culture tidbit.

Nobody mentioned a ring! So he must be comparing how his hands spreading the hole to another pair of hands spreading a hole that have a ring. Goat.se.

On the next page, Hal completes his thought with "But I've still got the will." But that's only to make the previous page excusable to an editor paying attention to how the ring line doesn't make sense. I get what Venditti did here! He just goat.se'd Green Lantern fans everywhere! Good one, Bob!

Hal defeats the Lanterns and drives them off acting like a crazy killer in the hopes they'll back off chasing after him. I guess he didn't need to worry too much about that since they soon decided to take a vacation in another universe.

This is how I feel things would go down in a meeting between me and Scott Lobdell. Yes, Lobdell would be playing the Hal Jordan role.

Meanwhile on Port Spire which Hal Jordan recently freed from a group of Thanagarian bandits, a new group of Intergalactic Bad People begin questioning the cute little girl who learned to love guests. The new guys (unless they're old. I haven't heard of every character in the DC Universe no matter how much it seems like I probably actually have) are The Gray Agents. They want to kill Hal Jordan so they can gain a reputation as the best cops in the universe. Then they'll be trusted and they can take over the policing business. And there's a lot of money in the policing business if you're a bunch of corrupt assholes which I'm assuming The Gray Agents are.

Meanwhile back aboard Darlene, Hal has a private conversation with The Little Prince about reputation as well. He wants everybody to think he's got a bad one so that they all fear him. And he wants to do it through other people talking! He doesn't want to rely on the empty bravado of Twat Lobo! Okay, so it's not really so empty since Twat Lobo can back it up. But I sure wish he'd simply back it up more instead of constantly crowing about it. After the conversation, Hal continues on his search for The Black Hand.

Green Lantern Annual #4 Non-Ranking Annual Rating: Batman was a terrific annual. This was also a terrific annual. How did DC manage to publish two annuals worth reading in one month?! And I still have the Grayson and the Suicide Squad Annuals which I have high hopes for! Notice how I didn't mention the Green Arrow Annual? You can't expect them all to be gems!

Green Lantern #44

Is DC doing the whole "90s Covers" thing three months before Marvel?

The Little Prince nearly killed himself last issue trying on Krona's glove, so this issue he's going to have to sit out all of the action in Darlene's medical bay. That'll give Hal Jordan some time to get to know The Little Prince's butler, Trapper. Does anybody remember the television show "Trapper John, MD"? That show didn't have as many flashbacks to Korea during surgery as I would have liked.

Writers can win me over by writing huge, competent plots with complex, intriguing characters. Or they can win me over in sundry small ways as well. Robert Venditti had my good will when he took over Demon Knights and kept that book as good as it had ever been (which was really good!). But it's those small moments that keep me coming back to comic books. Small moments that work so well in this medium when a writer has the pacing down and the dialogue is realistic. Little moments like this:

This is cute and it goes a long way to getting me on Trapper's side.

I don't know how translations and languages work in the DC Universe unless everybody speaks Interlac in space. But the idea that the concept of an Earth pound wouldn't translate is something a lot of writers wouldn't even consider during this discussion. Billy Tan (or Martin Coccolo?) nails the look on Trapper's face as he examines the contraption and then as he realizes his life hinges on Hal's being able to correctly estimate these "pounds." I appreciate characters, even bad-ass bounty hunter outlaws who kick major butt up and down the universe, having vulnerable moments like this. This is how readers bond with characters. Well, this and naming them Maps and making them super adorable little nerds.

Jordan is making a stop to get The Little Prince some medical attention before he heads off to save Earth from The Black Hand's Source Wall curse. The planet is one of those planets that is like one of those towns that begins a horror movie where a disturbing family lives nearby a deserted town and the family loves to make people into sausage. I think those movies sometimes start with a creepy little kid running off amid the abandoned buildings. Just like this one! Except the kid isn't creepy. She's actually a cute little goat girl with a stuffed animal. This issue might also be based off of an old sixties Star Trek script. Hopefully it's a script written by Gene Roddenberry so the story can be a not very subtle examination of problems on Earth in the sixties. Wasn't there an episode when aliens way out in space somehow had access to relics from the Confederacy?

The people in the town are fearful of the guests because some creature has taken control of their village. Maybe I was wrong about the script. I think this is another Twilight Zone episode. The doctor doesn't really want to help because he's afraid of the monster that has taken over and seems to feed on visitors. But he's a doctor and you can always convince doctor's to help people in need because they have to take an oath. Even alien doctors, I guess.

Hal begins asking too many questions which is weird because he's not usually the type to want useless things like information. If a problem crops up, he knows he can just punch it in the face. Unless that problem is Coast City being completely destroyed and then the only thing left to do is punch everybody in the face all of the time until God thinks, "Hey! That guy would be a good fit for my Wrath!" It might have happened somewhat differently and with more details but I think I got the gist of it.

Virgo isn't cured quickly enough so the guests get to meet the hosts.

I guess they're a host of Thanagarian angels? Is that why all the "guest" stuff?

I don't know why we need to know the names of all of the hawkpeople. I guess so we understand by their names that they've modified themselves with pieces of the guests and their ships?

The doctor decides to explain that the Thanagarians rob and kill everybody who comes to port. Hal isn't exactly happy that the Doc was only forthcoming about this after it was too late. But what does Hal care? He's got a Krona's Gauntlet. He'll be okay.

Hal and Trapper take out the Thanagarian gang with only a small bit of trouble that leaves Hal bleeding from the ears. He wakes up later in the Doc's office. I bet the village throws him a big party! And maybe they'll never hate the Green Lanterns again!

I hope the little girl stows away on Darlene.

Green Lantern #44 Rating: No change. Post-Convergence Hal Jordan is my favorite Hal Jordan in a long time. He's never felt like a great leader to me and I hate to see him in that position. Being the captain of a small crew of misfits flying around the universe seems to fit him. I feel like I've read this version of Hal before! He just needs Green Arrow to join him on his road trip through space dealing with problems that can't be solved with an arrow or a light construct. Maybe Trapper just needs to grow a goatee and start wearing green.

Sinestro Annual #1

Sinestro Corps! Sinestro Corps! They're here and there and everywhere!

I bet in this issue of Sinestro, Lyssa tells him something about the future and Sinestro will act on that information. He'll be cocky and condescending and act better than everybody he meets. He'll probably abuse his underlings a little bit. He'll explain how he's the master of fear. And he'll hit on Bekka by pointing out that she can't resist him. Maybe if he has time (there are a lot of extra pages in the annual), he'll mention that Hal Jordan is both his best friend and his worst enemy.

I bet in this commentary, I bitch and moan and whine and act completely disinterested. I might talk about masturbation and I'll probably say something offensive like calling somebody a retard. After that I'll act like I was using the word satirically and try to make everybody else feel stupid for not getting how I wasn't making fun of retards at all but making fun of people that would still use the word "retard" in this day and age. Then I'll probably scan in a picture where a Korugarian Refugee says something ridiculous to completely change the subject. After that, I'll just pretend that I never said anything offensive ever. Then later, if anybody calls me out on it, I'll just ignore them and they'll grow bored and go away while I continue with a new commentary where maybe I'll call somebody a cunt.

Arkillo: "You murdered one of our people!" Refugee: "We couldn't have done it because you gave us reason to do it and we hate you!"

Sinestro asks Lyssa if she can see into the future to find out who murdered the Yellow Lantern. What an idiot. She needs to be able to see into the past to see who murdered him! Does Sinestro not understand how cause and effect work?

So Sinestro tried to use prophecy but it failed. I'm sure Lyssa will spout some gibberish later that he'll try to parse. Let's see if he's acting arrogant yet?

Ding ding ding ding!

That last scene probably fell under the category of "abusing his underlings" as he gives Arkillo a tongue-lashing. Now Sinestro wanders off with Lyssa, Soranik, and Bekka to show them how he will solve the mystery of the dead Yellow Lantern.

Bekka tells Sinestro that he doesn't know her so he tells her a story about herself. It's all about how she developed a special power at about the age of fifteen. Suddenly men and women all over New Genesis were hitting on her and vying for her attention. If that's the case, why the hell did she decide to start dating Orion?

I guess that means a Yellow Lantern didn't kill the Yellow Lantern or else they'd know it. And Lyssa apparently can't see how the Yellow Lantern died from his point of view because he was killed from behind. I bet he was hit with The Stick™.

Next Sinestro tells Lyssa's story. It's about how she was locked in her uncle's secret library of occult books for months but managed to survive by eating all of the tomes.

I guess one of them must have been the Necro-nom-nom-nom-icon! Har har!

The next story is going to be about Arkillo. But where is Sinestro taking these women? He has Bekka smash down a door as they head deep into the planet. My guess is that since this was a prison planet, one of the murderous prisoners must still be living here. And it's that prisoner that killed the Yellow Lantern.

Apparently Arkillo's people were peaceful but their God had both a peaceful aspect and a violent aspect. None of them had ever followed the violent aspect until the day Arkillo became a man and killed them all. So he's the big toothed Walrus version of Lobo, I guess.

Rigen Kale fights for the glory of love or something. Whatever.

Dez was a gay serf in love with an assassin templar samurai. So I guess he fought for the glory hole of love. Or something.

That almost happened to me in college once! A guy named Mike was all, "Have you ever been with a man?" And I was all, "No." And he was all, "Do you want to be?" And I was all, "I don't know if I want to be or if you want me to want to be!"

Dez's lover abandoned him for more power and more honor and more money and a lot more pussy. So Dez killed him and became a killer of the powerful. He was like the monster in the walk-in closet full of shoes and furs and jewelry.

Sinestro and his team wind up in the nuclear power plant of the prison planet. Whoever killed the Yellow Lantern has also triggered a meltdown. Soranik is all, "How come you didn't tell my story? Also, um, how do we find the traitor?" And Sinestro is all, "I know who has betrayed me but I'm not going to tell you for three months."

Sinestro Annual #1 Rating: I bet the dead Yellow Lantern triggered the meltdown and then Sinestro killed him! Or Sinestro triggered the meltdown because he has Warworld now. What the fuck does he need with this stupid fucking planet? I don't really care who it is because how am I going to even remember that this story arc is happening in three months? Fuck. Good luck having any idea what the hell is happening when y'all pick up Sinestro #12!

Sinestro #8

And all alone, Sinestro defeats everybody and becomes King of the Universe.

In the last issue of Godhead, the Bohemian Guardians had just come up with a plan! But they didn't have enough panels left to explain their plan. But now they're going to explain their plan. Although it's quite possible, considering the way comic books work, that they won't explain their plan until Green Lantern Annual #3. It doesn't matter to me though. As soon as they announced they had a plan and Red Lanterns ended before they could tell it, I lost interest in it. If Charles Soule had thought it up, it probably would have been a terrific plan. It would have involved a lot of talking but it would have been interesting. Am I supposed to trust that Venditti or Van Jensen or Bunn can come up with a foolproof way to defeat the New Gods? Well, I guess I trust two thirds of that group. And only one third because I practically know him. The other one I trust because he kept Demon Knights interesting and fun. But the other third, the one I'm going to call "Bullen Cunn," I don't trust at all.

This issue begins with Sinestro skulking about New Genesis.

There it is again! A Blue Lantern! But there are no more Blue Lanterns! Have the editors of this comic book been following the convoluted history of the Lantern Corps at all?

The Blue Lantern isn't the worst mistake on the first two pages of this comic book either! Although it's the only one that matters to most people. The other mistake probably only matters to Martin Coccolo and his mother since his name was spelled incorrectly in the credits. Whoops! I hope he still gets royalties!

Sinestro is on the hunt for a Mother Box that he can use against The New Gods. The main problem with that plan is that all of the Mother Boxes are attuned to a specific user. Bah! Rules and regulations! Those are Sinestro's forte! He can bend them to his will because he is a natural born dictator! Use rules and regulations against him? Against Sinestro?! Don't make me and Sinestro laugh!

Does Sinestro ever laugh? Um, anyway, don't make me laugh for Sinestro then! Ha! I will laugh so loudly and so long that you will think that Sheldon has just made a fairly innocuous comment!

Sinestro can't quite make heads or tails of the Mother Box but he now knows that it links to some sort of central battery which he believes he can use. As he searches for it, he finds a homeless Star Sapphire ring and follows it on its way to Carol Ferris's finger. Well that was convenient, wasn't it? After she used up all the power in her ring, a new ring can't tell that she's already been chosen? Or is this her old ring that was conveniently recharged by Hyalt? Thanks, Hyalt! And what about John Stewart? What happened to his Star Sapphire ring? Is he too embarrassed to wear it around the other green lanterns?

At some point, are the cosmic "good" people ever actually going to be good and not just an opposing version of the "bad" people?

Hey DC! You can get another weekly out of this! Another World's End! It can be just like the Earth-2 World's End except on Main Earth and with Highfather and his armies destroying everything!

Sinestro walks into Highfather's war room to parlay. That's what pirates call talking, at least right up until somebody takes umbrage with part of the talking and begins stabbing. In this particular parlay, the umbrage takes place when Highfather calls Sinestro a "jester." Uh oh! Them's fightin' words!

Basically Sinestro's response to the Jester comment is, "I'm a jester?! You're a jester!"

Highfather knocks the Parallax out of Sinestro just as Despotellis arrives for a new assignment. His new assignment is to infiltrate the Central Mother Box and reprogram the BOOM Tube coordinates. So instead of heading to Earth, the New Gods are going to probably the scariest place in the universe! Um, I don't know where that would be.

Highfather opens the BOOM Tube and Sinestro flies through first followed by Highfather's armies. Doesn't he have some way to make sure the tube opened in the correct location before he sends his armies blindly in? I guess Sinestro said Highfather's arrogance would be his downfall.

Also, notice how the Bohemian Guardians didn't mention any sort of plan?! Losers.

Sinestro #8 Rating: No change. Godhead is almost over! I don't mind if characters from the DC Universe battle New Gods but at least have them battling the evil ones! Why is it good beings have so much trouble acting good? Do they not know of kindness or compassion? It seems like everybody who thinks they're good just falls over and over again not to power but to fear. Scared people will do anything if they think it will somehow keep them or their family or even just their possessions safe. Kind people constantly turn into monsters when they're overwhelmed by fear. So now all I truly know about Highfather's characterization in The New 52 is that he's a fucking coward that is trembling in his boots awaiting the day that Darkseid descends on New Genesis to wipe the floor with him.

You know what would have been a good story? Just like Batman went to Apokolips to rub Darkseid's nose in his own filth, Grayson should take a trip to New Genesis to teach Highfather how to care!

Sinestro #6

I gazed at this cover for about fifteen seconds wondering where the story was going with this horned version of Sinestro before I realized it was a Monsters of the Month Variant.

It's times like these, when I pick up a new copy of Sinestro to read, that I think, "What the fuck am I doing with my free time?" After three years of reading every comic book of DC's New 52, I can't say that I'm enjoying it the way I did when I began with four months of new titles, filled with magic and mystery, stacked up helter skelter in my office. Now I know what I'm getting. And I especially know what I'm getting when I pick up Sinestro. A tepid, mediocre, bland take on the character where I'm sure to be reminded, at least once per issue, that Sinestro and Hal Jordan are truest friends and most hated enemies! That's when I say, "Get Lamp coin? Give me some advice!"

That's good advice! I'm glad the other side didn't come up since it says, "It is pitch dark and you can't see a thing."

While I've enjoyed doing these commentaries for the last three years (and I'm not sure how much I could have enjoyed DC's Comics without doing the commentaries), I need to make a change. I took Athena's advice yesterday and finally threw out my beat up, holes in both soles pair of pink ROOS I found in a used clothing store a few years ago. Now it's time to walk a different path for awhile. I still want to keep up the comic book commentaries in some form since I can't remember what's happening from month to month without it. If I give this up entirely, I'll probably just stop reading comic books again.

I'm not quitting today! And don't completely blame Cullen Bunn for this (although, really, he's to blame); I've been a bit burnt out for awhile, and I can't ignore how hard Judas's death hit me. If I can find whatever it was that let me not give a shit about each commentary back when I started so that I could actually get through four or five comic books per day, I'd like to maintain that level of review. I probably became too aware of my audience which caused me to stop writing completely for myself. I became too self-conscious when a commentary was just a general rehashing of the events even though that's exactly the reason this blog came into existence. So that I could look back and remember what happened the previous month before I read each new comic book.

So I'm going to work on finding a balance between comic book commentaries and a few other projects I'd like to work on during Issue #36 month. Maybe I'll find this is the thing that I enjoy above all of my other hobbies. But before I learn that, I have to read Sinestro #6. At least it's part of the Godhead story, so maybe it won't be excruciatingly mundane.

Is this going to become an Arctic/Antarctica situation?

Cullen Bunn has been consistent with New Korugar being in Sector 3567 (I think!) but some other Green Lantern writer placed it in Sector 3052 at some point. I don't know where that was or why so I can't back up my statement! I can only say that when I read it at the time, I remember thinking (and possibly commenting!), "I thought New Korugar was where Necropolis had been in Sector 3567?" It's possible the mix-up simply happened because Sinestro's hideout was in Sector 3052 and some writer and his or her editors had not been paying attention. I added the pronoun "her" because I'm sure at some point a woman will write a Green Lantern comic book.

The Yellow Lantern with the crazy eyes and the pointy chin begins reminding Sinestro how Sinestro was humiliated by a woman because that always seems to be helpful in most situations. Remind the sexist (probably racist), psychopathic, egomaniac control freak that he's a complete failure. Especially since it just happened a few minutes ago. "Hey, hey! Remember just now how that chick punked you! HA!" It's as if these characters know their story took a month long break and that the people observing it needed two wasted pages worth of reminder to sum up the action from last month. Hey DC?! How about you either add a free page that gives a plot synopsis to help readers catch up or just stop wasting ten percent of your comic book having the characters remind each other about events that just fucking happened to those characters?! I already paid $2.99 for that story last month. I think providing a 20% refund for fans that show proof of purchase of Issue #5 is the least you can do. I'll expect my sixty cents within the next fourteen business days. Thanks!

Is that a euphemism for oral sex?

Everybody thinks Sinestro wants to find this woman that attacked her so he can date her. I'm not sure where they're getting this feeling. Did he have a huge Parallax while battling her? And you can't tell his emotions by looking in his eyes since they just look like glowing yellow washers. And that moustache is just fucking stupid. And that military haircut is so severe. Is he trying to look like the kind of guy that smashes shot glasses into the faces of people minding their own business?

Sinestro consults his Magic 8 Ball to learn that death is spreading like an infection. I would have chosen sexually transmitted disease but then I read Death's pamphlet on HIV and I love to steal things other people say but get them completely wrong when I do it. Conveniently for DC Comics that wouldn't want the end of Godhead ruined by Sinestro's Magic 8 Ball, the darkness that consumes the future keeps her from seeing the future.

This issue is called "Sacrifice" which seems strange because Sinestro wouldn't know a sacrifice if the bloody altar it took place on bit him in the stupid moustache.

Sinestro has a spy inside of Arkillo's ring called Despotellis, another shitty name I won't remember. It's apparently nicknamed The Worldkiller. I guess because Warren Ellis loves to write about despotic world killers? I don't know if that's true but since I said it, it probably is.

The Worldkiller is a tiny little thing. Is its name supposed to be ironic? Like calling a fat guy Slim? Or does it manage to kill worlds because people see it and become paralyzed by how cute it is before it eats their faces? Anyway, Sinestro learns from it that the Indigo Lanterns and the Green Lanterns are currently being defeated by Bekka of New Genesis and her army. Bekka is Orion's girlfriend. Unless she isn't.

Sinestro fixes Arkillo's hand and gives him a fake Yellow Lantern Ring (like how he gave Hal one in the early issues of Green Lantern) so that Arkillo, the Kilowog of the Yellow Lanterns, can get a small band together to help the other Lanterns. For some reason.

Is that another euphemism for oral sex?

Somehow the Yellow Lanterns get from Sector 3567 to Sector 2814 instantaneously. It's as if the Indigo Lantern's power of teleportation isn't fucking special at all! Any Lantern can seemingly get anywhere in the universe in mere seconds. Who needs the fucking Indigo Lanterns? Compassion is for losers!

When did Isamot become a Yellow Lantern? Quit yellowwashing Green Lanterns, DC Comics!

It's a good thing the Yellow Lanterns arrive to fight the majority of the battle against the New Gods since the New Gods can't be defeated. The Yellow Lanterns have lots and lots and lots of faceless, strange creatures that can be used as fodder so it looks like the death toll was massive. That's probably why the Yellow Lanterns get the weirdest looking creatures. Because every time the reader sees one, you get the vague sense that you've seen that crazy three faced creature before but can't be sure that it's the exact three faced creature you saw die in an earlier issue.

But...but...but...?!

Does anybody else have a free copy of Sinestro they can send me so I can finish my commentary because I just tore mine in half and pissed on it.

Wait, I think I can salvage the last few pages. But I'm getting my own piss all over me just to finish this commentary! You all owe me.

Sinestro sets the rings of the worst of the Yellow Lanterns to self-destruct as the best of them retreat with the Indigo and Green Lanterns. Then lots and lots of warriors of New Genesis die covered in pieces of weird aliens, leaving Bekka as pissed off as her boyfriend. Maybe.

Sinestro #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. At least I wasn't bored by this issue, which is high praise for Cullen Bunn's Sinestro!

Godhead #1

I'm sorry but does DC have zero employees in the "Please Let A Cynic Look At The Cover Before We Put It On The Stands" Department?

I can't be the only one that thinks Hal Jordan's reaction is to Darkseid blowing Highfather, right? I mean, the series is called "Godhead." And Highfather is directly quoted as bringing Darkseid to his knees with seven cock rings. The big #1 One-Shot doesn't help me dispel the image of Highfather's quivering cosmic man-meat spraying life equating juices all over Darkseid's stony maw. Anyway, DC, if you need somebody to head up your Department of Defeating Accidental Sexual Innuendo, put your dick in my mouth!

Godhead is a story about the long standing feud between Highfather of New Genesis and Darkseid of Apokolips. It's also a story of what happens when you're a member of a meddling cosmic police force that thinks they need to stick their noses into the business of every species in the known universe. It's what happens when somebody gets their immortal peanut butter into the chocolatey goodness of the most powerful weapon in the universe. That was not a description of Apokoliptian anal sex.

This Cosmic Money Shot begins with an explanation of how the universe was created. It's less about masturbation than previous Green Lantern creation tales though which is disappointing.

No, no. My mistake. God still flung cum all over the darkness to create existence.

Darkseid and Highfather have been in a cold war for billions of years. Neither one is very good at maths, so they've reached a stalemate where Highfather can't figure why he keeps getting the Life Equation wrong and Darkseid can't add two to two. But Highfather knows where the answers lie! In the great teacher's text known as The Source Wall! It is there that the story begins as Highfather and Metron examine it closely for a way in. The wall was breached by Kyle Rayner during the Relic Crisis which should probably be known as the Chicken Little Fiasco. Highfather speaks with Relic and discovers the way past the Source Wall: the Green Lantern Rings! Using the power of every color united, a person may pass the Source Wall and read the equation. Or, alternately, they can find Kyle Rayner and ask him if he remembers the Life Equation. He might remember it since he fucked around with it and changed it significantly. Small wonder the universe hasn't completely unraveled since then.

Over on Mogo, Saint Walker continues to despair. Or pout. Or shirk his duties. One of those! His ring still hangs out with him because, and this is a huge guess on my part, nobody else in the universe has any hope. Everybody still believes Kyle Rayner is dead but I have a suspicious feeling that he'll reveal himself during this cosmic crisis. Then Saint Walker will get a huge head erection and his ring will finally have him back. Unless Highfather takes Saint Walker's ring first. Isn't it the only Blue Lantern Ring left in the cosmos?

The Council of Elrond.

On New Korugar, Sinestro plans his next big snoozefest. He's all, "I do things my way because my way is the greatest way!" And Lyssa is all, "But the future says differently!" And Sinestro is all, "What is the future to me? I am Sinestro!" And Arkillow is all, "Wut?" And then a New God that I don't know BOOM Tubes in, jerks off her sword, and says, "Your ring. Give it to me." And Sinestro is all, "Hardy har har har!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut?" And Sinestro is all, "Oh no! I have fallen and I can't get up! Stop her and prove how mighty you are, Arkillo!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut? I mean, to arms!" And then he's all, "My fingers!" And then the New God is all, "BOOM!"

In other words, one ring down, six to go!

Over on Okaara, Larfleeze is all, "Mine mine mine! I am not a monkey!" But the New God that has paid him a visit is all, "Give me the ring, monkey." And then Larfleeze cries while trying to scoop up each tear, sobbing, "Mine! Mine! Mine!"

In other words, two rings down, whatever seven minus two is to go!

If I may put forward a slight observation from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader: Lanterns are garbage.

The most powerful weapons in the universe can be stolen so easily! I think it's time to begin installing the rings in the butt. Not every creature capable of wearing a ring has fingers, so there have been modifications to the system, right? Where does Mogo even keep his? Up his grand canyon?

Over on Nok, the nok of the nok noks, another New God (this one with a pig dog and a dwarfish beard braid) takes a ring off of an Indigo Lantern. The Indigo Lantern, proffering the hand with the ring, is all, "Um...no, no! This is me protesting vehemently. Please do not take the ring or I will become a serial killer again and begin drinking the blood of young virgin children and eating the spleens of late night driving teenagers found alone on the highway and cutting off the sexual organs of elderly folks who thought they were just out to get an early bird breakfast. Please do not make me into that glorious creature. Did I say glorious? I meant awful. That awful creature." And the New God is all, "Sorry, Dudebro. But I gots ta do what I gots ta do. Here, take this Grandmaster Magic Sword in trade. But don't use it to go on some killing spree or nuttin, sees?"

In other words, a bunch of rings down, a few more to go.

I don't really know what's going on with the Red Lanterns but apparently one of the humans that earned a ring back when Atrocitus conscripted all the Type A people on Earth into joining the Red Lanterns still has her ring. But that makes sense because to take a Red Lantern's ring is to kill a Red Lantern and Charles Soule just recently killed off all the extra Red Lanterns. This Red Lantern is angry at the sex slave trade for some reason. Doesn't she like illegal free market capitalism which manipulates the lives of powerless people and makes ungodly profits at the expense of the free will of seemingly powerless people? Is she a communist? Anyway, she frees all of the sex slaves ever which is as much resolution for her anger as she's going to get.

Leave it to Charles Soule to be all, "Hey, dickheads! While you're reading your funny book, remember that the world is full of awfulness and misery and people fighting for their lives and their power and their dignity and every fucking thing they have which is hardly anything but is still being taken from them by monsters. And you...look at you. Reading a funny book with one hand down your pants hoping some artist decides to draw a little hint of a nip, you fucking fanperv."

I've lost count but since the next scene is Orion and Metron BOOM Tubing onto Mogo, I have a feeling only two rings are left: Green and Blue. Saint Walker's ring should be easy to take! Just shove him on his ass and scoop it up! But Mogo's is probably hidden deep within some lava filled chasm! Surrounded by thousands of tons of rock and dirt!

Oh. Oh, Mogo, you big dumb ball of dumb.

Mogo and Saint Walker lose their rings and they deserved it! Just letting something so powerful float around your head or hang from a twiggy branch on a tree. Although now that Mogo's lost his ring, what's going to happen to all the non-Lanterns on the planet? It doesn't look like Mogo was currently in a hospitable zone in some nice, cozy sun-drenched solar system! Is everybody on planet going to freeze to death?! If that's the case, hopefully some other Green Lantern (*coughHalJordancough*) will give Mogo their ring to save everyone.

Once he has all the rings, Highfather has them fitted into his mace so that he can wield the White Light which, apparently, is the Life Equation. So Kyle has been master of the Life Equation all this time? Which means Nekron or Black Hand wields the Anti-Life Equation? How has Darkseid been so blind? Shouldn't he have smelled the Black Lanterns? He's gotten too distracted searching all over the multiverse for a comfortable chair.

Highfather tests out his new device only to find using all the rings together does not equal the Life Equation. It just equals the ability to destroy a Black Lantern. What he needs is an actual White Lantern Ring. So now he has to find Kyle Rayner and punch him in the balls. Plus, Highfather has decided that all of the other Lanterns are too dangerous to live. That means it's once again that time of year: LANTERN COSMIC CRISIS! At least this time, they all get to fight together.

Godhead #1 Rating: This is just a one-shot! It doesn't get a rating! But as far as cosmic crises go, I have to say it might be my favorite yet of The New 52 because it involves the New Gods and it will involve, hopefully, Darkseid (unless he just misses it all because he's long stopped caring about anything New Genesis gets up to). Plus nobody is being assimilated by anything else!

Futures End: Green Lantern #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Clorox Cola Theater Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome Back, Scanners! Forgivem any fuckin' typos Goggles yer pal might typo acause my fuckin' fingers ams covered in some dem Shipper's blood. Aw now, don't be worried bouts horny fuckin' Goggles, ja? Ain't never gonna be a day no Shipper so much as lays fingers onna none 'a me lest Goggles wannem too, aight? Little randy fucker was tryin' ta get the finital copy of Green Lantern ouffa the DC Delivery Drone, get me? Last words what little Massengill ever said was somefin like, "Jorris! Jorris! Give us back Harol Jorris!," whatever da fuq dat means, sees? Flittin' weirdies.

Sos, whats da grokkolli on Hal dis monff, enh? Good ole Goggles bout ta give ya the high brow low down, sees? Cuz Goggles's into dis real literachure dat DC keep pumpin' ouffa dere offices, ja? None of that stroke bait for Goggles put out by dat HerSimone, what wit HerSimone books full of naked butts and feminystical ways, what? Na, Goggles gots da real goods heres, feels me?

Wot see wheres we left off'n mit Hal, ja? Hal been chased frough space by'm det little Black Lantern Guardian and hims team-up of corpses.

Dat still makes ya Goggles laff ta see Dan DiDio inside da comic books cause'm dat accident in the nuclear lenticulation labs.

Hal Jordan being teamed up alla wit dat Relic guy what had dat teary bout da limited emotions in da unyverse, ja? Relic ain't fuckin' never met me mom, right? She gots emotionals for years. Why ain't her feelings never run out? Always goin' on and on wit da, "Goggles, why don't you love your mother?" and "Goggles, where is my sweet, sweet cat Petpetunia?" and "Goggles, I'm hungry!" and what not.

Aw ha, Goggles jus' winding ya up, Moms! Youse knows Goggles luffs ya and woulda stopped dat rabid gang of accountants from doin' what dey done, if'n there wouldnna been so Goddessdamned many of 'em, ja? Goggles gots ta look out for old Goggles meself or poor old Goggles ain't gonna be safin' nobody nowheres nomores, ya knows?!

Hey! I tells ya 'bout dat times I come upon dem two dogs fuckin' and dese guys am standing back jus' watching and jerkin' off? Old Goggles be all, "What ya pack 'a weirdies doin', gettin' sexual gratificaction off'n watchin' dem dogs fornificate? Ain't ya guys hungry? Dem dogs got good meats on dem?" And da lead guy, he goin' real hard on his long john bonger, and he say, "Oh naw, Mopes. We ain't horned up or nuffin. We jus' makin' some sauce to eat dem dogs wif." Ha! Now I tells ya, Goggles here seen a lotta shit and eat a lot of crazy tings what move in da dark places. But old Goggles ain't never eat Cum Covered Canine afore! I mean, afore dat day. Dem guys let me joins in dere meal and I gotsta say, Doringo's Ranch ain't gots nuttin' on Nut Upon Dog.

Dissem issue am called, "The Next Life." I guess that be cause Hal movin' on past the Source Walls, or maybe he gonna be joinin' dem Black Lanterns again.

Dat Relic bigger den Blaster Blaster. And Blaster Blaster be a bigem guy what haff ta carry Blaster and Master on hissem back.

Relic, him, he don't seem to mind Hal usin' up his emotions no more. Maybe he doned up some actual sciencing experiments and difcovered dat his origynal hypotheum weren't able ta stand up 'gainst scrutiny. Or he jus' stepped back fors a second and tinks, "Willpower. Why have I thought, these many, many years, that Willpower was an emotion? It does not pull from the limited amount of emotional energy in the universe because it is not an emotion. It is an attribute one possesses which allows one to face down lustful temptations. Perhaps that is why it rests as green in the middle of the light spectrum, balanced between the terrible pull of red's rage and the quiet, beckoning calls of violet's love." Or somefin likes dat.

Previous ta the space battle, Hal Jordan wassem jus' back on Earf in his boxer shorts drinkin' dem beers.

Mister Jordan, youse rather he drinkem up dog's piss and liquified mushroom essence what da Coors Brewing puts in da bottles? At least dey warns da drinkers by labelin' da bottles "Zima."

Hal has hisself a chat a mano mit hims papa bout how his dads died. But Hal jus' wants ta know why and how his papa be back, floatin' dere in da kitchens. Ya see, Krona be the leader of dem Black Lanterns now, and bunches of dem Black Lanterns wants Hal to stop him. But hows he gonna stop a corpse, feels?

Dat be one dem tings me and mine gang fought was goin' ta happen, when dis world be endin' and all. Corpses be everwhere, biting and stumbling and chasing and eviscertatin'. My second, Da Professor, he almays jus' laff when Goggles says, "Be seein' dem walkin' corpses right soon, ja?" He be all, "Well, that's actually a fairly ridiculous notion, Em. When the essential processes of organic life end, the inevitable processes of death take over. These processes make it patently impossible for a corpse to shuffle about. Organic matter decays, sloughing from the body. Electrical impulses no longer exist within the body, making muscle movement impossible. And even if that weren't the case, the body becomes too stiff to move any part of itself without things snapping and breaking. No, it is not the dead we'll ever have need to fear, Em. If something comes after you, you can rest assured that that thing is living. And that being the case, you can stop it by making it dead." He fuckin' smart, that guy were. Too bad how the vote turned out when Goggles and his gang were fuckin' starvin' that time. Miss that fucker.

Fuckin' brainiac, dis one, eh? "Hmm, chaps, I daresay, Black Lantern is an oxymoron!"

Hal an' Relic manages ta beat down Krona mit dere disco ball plan. Relic captures Black Hand's Black Lantern Ring inna Black Box dat might also haff Black Hand's body insides. All dem corpses jus' begins ta disintegrate, zactly like ol' Prof says dey woulds. Den da only Black Lanterns leff ams da good guys what fought back against corruption. Dat right dere shows how fictionalized dis stories ams, beings as not one good person what wouldn't kills dere own loved ones lasted more dan maybe five monffs affer da world comed ta its end. I mean, da world still here, course! We's all livin' in it jus' as dandy as da peach fuzz on a a youngster's smooth skin, what? It's jus' dat "livin'" ain't nuttin' like what nones a yas thunked about it five years ago, ja?

Affer da fights done an' gone, Hal Jordan lies at deaf's door. But hissem father ain't gonna let Hal go gently or nonesuch poetical shit like dat. He gonna stick him up an' on that Source Wall where he be turnin' ta stone and stay alive forever. So guessin' dat mean dis da last issue of Green Lantern we's gonna gits from DC, sees? Mayhaps dat why dat Shipper fighted so hard ta git her pink gloved little hands all overs it. She aight, dough. She gone off mit da Goddess, ressem her souls. Blesseds am the dead and dying, what we's all says, ja? Ain't never gotta feel dat stomach rumble 'n decidin' if'n ya gonna eat any ol' rotten ting ya can find or if'n ya gonna fight someone for dinner dat day. And by fightin' for dinner, ya knows whats I means, right? Twos a yous fights, one of you lives, one of you dies, one of yous eats. Dats da ways, girls.

Until nex' times, unless ya gits lucky 'n da Goddess takes ya first, feels?

Green Lantern #34

Somebody at my comic book store must be wondering why they're not receiving the variant covers they asked for. I certainly didn't ask for them! Although they're spoiler free, so that's a change of pace from most covers.

This issue begins in Space Sector 0687 following an alien that, I'm fairly confident, makes illegal drugs. This might be the first time Sector 0687 has been visited since I have no notes concerning the creatures or planets that can be found within it. That doesn't prove that Sector 0687 hasn't been mentioned because I have been known, in the past, to be a horrendous taker of notes. The only reason I made it through college was because I majored in Reading Books and my interpretations of themes and plots were always vastly superior to what the teachers were telling us they were. Maybe. I could be remembering it all wrong for the sake of vanity. I did get a B in Rugby and never played single game. Or met the teacher. Or anybody else in the class, for that matter. Or ever did anything at all except sign up for it and then never got around to dropping it. College was easy!

The creature's name is Agarushnawokliag and he's one of the escapees from the Sciencells on Oa That Was. Now that the Great Green Lantern Corps Misunderstanding is over, Hal has found a little free time to do some bounty hunting.

Just try telling me this guy wasn't cooking up some Space Meth. Or don't try. Whatever.

How can Hal Jordan keep a straight face when calling his ring the most powerful weapon in the universe when it's barely worked against any threat he's faced since The New 52 began?! I'm sure it'll finally work just fine against this little Court of Owls looking motherfucker. Hal can't get his ass beat in the first few pages of a new story arc!

Whoops! My mistake!

I think I miss the yellow flaw! It wasn't so much a crutch which the Green Lanterns had to work with as it was a crutch so that writers would have a reason for the most powerful weapon in the universe to fail. Now the rings don't have the flaw anymore but they don't seem to work against the majority of the creatures they battle! This guy sucks down emotion so the more willpower Hal uses, the more...wait a second! Willpower isn't an emotion! Kick his ass, Jordan!

Lucky for Hal, the truly most powerful weapon in the universe was lying nearby where he was pinned by Agarushnawokliag!

The Stick™!

Hal packs up his bounty and heads back to Mogo where he finds Simon Baz waiting for him. And Simon currently has his gun strapped to his hip! Good for him! These Green Lantern rings are unreliable! Jordan wouldn't have had to use The Stick™ if he had the foresight to carry a back-up weapon. Who am I kidding? Hal's too arrogant to believe he needs anything besides the ring and his fists.

Simon Baz has escorted Hal's brother and his brother's family to Mogo for a visit. I hope this is the incursion that the title mentioned since the title was "Incursion." That way I can finish up my commentary right now by saying, "And everybody had a really nice time at the family reunion. The end!"

Hal's brother shops at 7-11? That's practically confirmation that he has a drug problem! To know what kind of drug, I'd have to observe his behavior while shopping! Right to the scratch-its? Meth. Spends an inordinate amount of time in the public restroom (if it has one)? Heroin. Spends over twenty minutes wandering the aisles or buys a single flavored Swisher? Marijuana. Rushes in a minute after the store stops selling beer and then argues with the clerk about the time difference between the store clock and their phone? Asshole. I mean, alcohol! I don't think people doing cocaine ever shop at 7-11. And people doing hallucinogens I don't think of has having a drug problem. They simply have a hobby.

Hal's niece, nephew, and sister-in-law pay a visit to Saint Walker who continues to remain hopeless. But his ring still hangs out with him waiting for that to change. Maybe children will give him hope! Aren't they supposed to give people hope? You know, when they're not giving people headaches and cold germs.

Little girl, you don't want to know what he does with that head thing.

Hal's brother makes some fairly salient points on how Hal shouldn't worry about consuming energy from a universal energy reservoir. Now if I believed in Relic's theory (which I don't because he didn't provide enough scientific evidence for it (unless you call running around screaming "The sky is falling!" evidence)), I'd believe that Hal's brother has put the matter to rest for Hal once and for all. Of course he's wasted on Khundish Ale, so maybe it was all just mindless jabbering. No wait. I'm not wasted on Khundish Ale, so I should know whether it was mindless jabbering or not! But I don't. Maybe I'm just an idiot.

Finally there's a scene where Highfather BoomTubes into New Earth's universe because Kyle Rayner fucked up the source wall's mathematics. But Highfather believes this diddling with the Source Wall is his chance to learn the Life Equation! If he figures it out, will that be as bad as Darkseid discovering the Anti-Life Equation? Is this moment supposed to be dark and threatening or happy and hopeful? And when will I find out since next month is the Special Futures End issue?

Green Lantern #34 Rating: +3 Ranking. I always like comic books where people spend time discussing things! Plus The Stick™ proved to be a better weapon than the Green Lantern Ring. Will Hal shut up about it being the most powerful weapon in the universe now? I bet Guy uses that line when he goes on dates. You know, how he has the most powerful weapon in the universe? If I explained it any further, I'd be Joss Whedon!