Batman Loves Superman #15

Felix Faust did this trick years ago, Satan's Anus.

My moods shift too quickly! I had something gnawing at my brain that I wanted to rant about and then I got distracted by something that I can't even remember distracted me now and I can't remember what I wanted to spew venom at! Also, I'm not mad at anything because I forgot what I wanted to be mad at! It was probably Greg Pak and his stupid Satan's Anus character. Sure, sure. I know he didn't invent Satan's Anus. I think Dante invented that. But Pak didn't invent the character either. He just changed some letters in his name and then set him up in a hole orbiting Earth.

It's also possible I never actually had anything in mind to rant about and I'm just wasting time so I don't have to read this stupid story. I should be more like that character in Memento. I can tattoo my body with "facts" and write other "facts" on Polaroids so that I can constantly manipulate myself into being entertaining. I can just glance at my body and scream, "OH YEAH! FUCKING JOURNALISTS! FUCK THEM RIGHT IN THEIR ASS FACES!"

Jesus Christ. Who knew ears could grow so much of their own hair?! Fucking aging is bullshit.

Here's a picture of Judas hanging out with me because I'm still avoiding reading Batman Loves Superman #15.

This issue begins, just like that last couple, with Satan's Anus having a discussion with Caillou the Chaosbringer. They're playing a trick on Batman and Superman by taking away their memories so that, hopefully, Lois Lane will fuck Batman and Superman will fuck Catwoman.

What kind of a shitty chaos bringer follows rules?!

"All they have to do is want to remember"? That's bullshit, Caillou, and you know it! So Bruce approaching Alfred and asking him how to remember to be Batman again so he can save lives doesn't qualify for wanting to remember? And Superman asking the Toyman for answers to who Superman is supposed to be isn't either? Well, okay. I buy that one. Why ask Toyman?! What the fuck does that asshole know? Although Superman has lost his memory, so why shouldn't he believe just anybody in the DC Universe can tell him who he is?

I think Batman has already remembered but he's just using his amnesia to try to get into Lois Lane's underwear.

He probably doesn't even care about fucking her. He just wants to be able to lord it over Clark Kent.

Batman dresses up Lois Lane in a Batgirl outfit which proves that he definitely still hasn't recovered his memory because if they fuck while she's wearing that, things are going to get weird.

So is this the main reason Greg Pak wrote this story? So Bruce and Lois can fuck while Selina and Clark superfuck? I'm fairly certain this story exists in about five thousand other places online. How come Greg Pak is being paid to write awful fan fiction? I expect middling to decent fan fiction when I read professionally published comic books!

Meanwhile Superman and Catwoman and the Gotham SWAT Team are running around Gotham blowing up robots. Superman doesn't want to remember who he is because he was a pathetic loser before now. Now, he's a guy running around without a shirt watching cops beat the shit out of bad guys. Or possible bad guys. Or, you know, whomever. He hasn't even made a move on Catwoman! I guess Superman's got a bit of a violence kink.

Superman turns into that power hungry madman that everybody constantly expects him to become because it's the most boring thing a writer can write. I suppose Greg Pak heard that whole "Absolute power is next to godliness" or whatever that was on that ceramic thing hanging in my Grandmother's bathroom. Oh! I remember. "Absolute power corrupts absolutely." So trite, boring writers remember somebody once said that (I think it was Hamilton Berger from Perry Mason) and then they snap their fingers and say, "Gee whiz! Superman has absolute power! I bet he'd really be corrupted!" Then they write bullshit nonsense like this where people have to convince Superman not to be absolutely corrupted because hugs or something.

"I think I always remembered better when Batgirl was giving me a blow job!"

No Memory Batman realizes all he has to do to remember is to remember! But what of his love for Lois Lane?! Will he forget that he wanted to put her vagina in his mouth? Yeah, probably. Greg Pak's main plot is to make his characters forget the stories he writes about them. Which is good because most of the stories he writes about them are awful messes.

Why would Batman also be thinking, "Maybe if I kiss him, I can recognize who he is if I've ever kissed him outside of his costume and then publish Batman's identity and win a Pulitzer and be lauded with fame and fortune?"

Batman remembers everything that has ever happened to him plus some other things as well. Like he remembers Batgirl lying in a puddle of blood for some reason. Even in The New 52, I thought Barbara Gordon, not Batgirl, was shot by The Joker? Oh well, Batman remembers things from a perspective outside his own body anyway, so that distracts me from the whole Batgirl thing and weirds me the fuck out. Although, maybe I do remember my own memories as if they're were shot by a camera crew! Let me think about when I lost my virginity. Don't worry, it'll only take a few seconds. Let's see...nope. I don't remember it from an outside angle or with any dignity. Although almost immediately afterward, I did admire myself naked in a bathroom mirror to see if I had actually changed in any significant way, so that's kind of like remembering the experience from an outside perspective! Also, I only remember changing in one way: I was hungry afterward.

Next Superman remembers everything that happened to him! He remembers tragedy and loss and learning about his indestructible blanket. Why didn't either of these guys remember fucking people?! I totally would have remembered that time at that party at Chris Humphrey's house when I was trying to play poker and that girl kept sliding her hand into the hole in my sweats. Although before that, when we were at my cousin's house and we were all outside getting into cars to head to Chris's house, the girl's friend came up to me and got really close and smelled really good and she was so cute and she said, "Do you think my friend's cute?" and I didn't say, "No, I think you're cute." I said, "Uh...sure...um...who's your friend?" And her friend wasn't as cute and didn't smell as good as the first girl. Man! Why didn't I pursue the first girl? Also, I don't remember their names because this was a long time ago and I didn't really interact with them much past that night.

Okay fine. I dated the girl who kept molesting me while I was playing poker and I can't remember her name! I broke up with her on the phone when she said, "Just tell me if you never want to see me again." So I said, "I never want to see you again." And she said something like "You don't know how much you're hurting me" or something but I was already saying "Goodbye" and hanging up the phone. To add some context so that phone call doesn't make me look like an absolute monster, she did have sex with me without my consent! We were sexual but we had not engaged in the act of fornication because (and this will show how young I was at the time) I believed having sex is what made a girl fall in love with you! And I knew I wasn't interested in anything long term, so we mostly just got ourselves really worked up by groping and rubbing and making out. Then she would make some kind of comment about how many calories are in sperm but not do anything about it because she would hint that she wanted me to give her oral pleasure but I really was pretty lost when it came to "hints" and "signals" and "not saying exactly what you fucking want." Plus there was probably a pretty good chance I had already came in my pants and just wasn't interested anymore. Anyway, we fell asleep in my bed one night and I woke up to her on top me. You know, fucking me. Now, I didn't say no! I went with it. I'm just pointing out that it began without my consent!

Okay, fine! That entire story still makes me out to be a bastard. I never said I was a great human being! I was young and enjoying being pursued by whatever few women would pursue me and let me know I was being pursued by them by saying, "I am interested in you." Seriously, I pretty much needed to be hit by a train to know when somebody was interested in me.

Wow. This comic book really must be boring if it's getting me to tell sex stories that aren't flattering to me!

Also, I should apologize for the lack of detail in my sex stories. But what do you think this is? Sexblog Smut Central?

Did...did...did these two fuck each other?

After Batman and Superman remember who they are, they slink off embarrassed about how they acted. Then Satan's Anus takes the caged Caillou Chaosbringer into his nether realm so that they can fuck with Batman and Superman again at a later date. If Greg Pak hasn't been fired before that later date.

Batman Loves Superman #15 Rating: -3 Ranking. I did enjoy Greg Pak and Jae Lee's initial run on this series which is why it is still ranked so high. That story also used memory loss as a plot point but that was before I knew it was Greg Pak's crutch. Ever since that first story, this book has been sliding downhill fast.

Batman Loves Superman #3

Clark: "I hate Darkseid so much it makes me shit!"

Last issue ended with Earth Two Wonder Woman stabbing Lois Lane in the face with her magic spear which she probably also stole from Bellerophon. I suspect this because she also has his Pegasus. Lois was stabbed because Kaiyo the Trickster from Apokolips was possessing her body. Also, because Lois Lane was looking way cuter than Wonder Woman.

The issue begins being narrated by Kaiyo the Trickster who has found herself tied up in Wonder Woman's magic lasso. I'm not sure if its Truthiness completely works on a New God but it must have some slight effect in that Kaiyo feels the need to project an image of Darkseid for everybody to see and fear. And then it's time to fuck with everybody and sow some seeds of discord.

Oh! Kaiyo is named Kaiyo after Coyote the Trickster God! I betcha!

After many, many years of being best friends, it only takes one random comment from a strange New God for the Superman of Earth Two to believe that Batman is a paranoid bastard that has the means to kill Superman if it comes to that. Not that Kaiyo was wrong! I just find Superman's lack of faith disturbing. That's your best buddy! Although I am just going by his first reaction of "Dammit, Bruce" and "still surprising me" and those are obviously not really that damning. Just one friend being annoyed by another. Yet again!

The knowledge that Bruce was keeping a deadly secret from him sends Clark into a reverie about his younger days when he first met Alfred Pennyworth. Oh, and Bruce!

Forget the kids. "Hey Alfred! You aren't going to fix a flat tire by looking under the hood!"

Here's the part I hate most about writing stupid jokes on the internet. I now feel I have to explain that caption to that photo and point out that it was a joke! I get that Alfred is probably killing time and looking busy so that Master Bruce will spend more time with another kid his age. Okay? So you can all stop trying to be smarter than me and just read my stupid fucking jokes already! Fuckers bitching about hospice and in hospice and what means what. Fucking Jesus! Fine! I fixed what I said to exactly quote Superman so it makes more sense for people that don't read the tiny print!

Okay, now that I'm done speaking directly to exactly one Follower (and being a major dick about it! Man, I'm an asshole. And a dick! Ooh! Is that what makes me so sexy?), let's get back to Batman of Earth Two Loves Superman of Earth Two #1 (which is the alternate title to Batman Loves Superman #3).

What does Bruce do, Clark? He kicks motherfucking ass, that's what!

I like how this scene is a call back to the first meeting of Bruce and Clark, and their attitudes to violence, in Batman Loves Superman #1.

If I'm not careful, I'm going to scan every page of this remembrance. I'm such a sucker for flashbacks to heroes as children.

I also like how Bruce rolls up his sleeve to begin the fight and Pa Kent makes a point of stopping his boy. And then fucking Alfred with the "Bruce has to learn to handle himself" when Bruce actually begins the brawl! I know it's not two kids fighting in anger. Bruce just wants his turn to show off his little kid skills. And Alfred's pretty fucking proud of those skills too. "Hey, Farmer Joe! Watch my kid beat the snot out of your little turd!"

Back to the present and back at the farm, Superman finds the crystal that Superman knocked out of Batman's hands. It's not Kryptonite but some other form of crystal not found on Earth. But Superman locates the source: a government bunker studying and protecting this strange material.

Who stops the Bat? This is DC Comics, kid. Nobody fucking stops the Bat.

These comic books should stop doing flashbacks during the story because now I'm not interested in the present! I just want to get back to the kids playing in the field and Alfred trying to figure out if this farmer is gay or not and whether they'll be making a lot more trips back to Smallville.

Just to clarify, I don't think Earth Prime Alfred is gay. But I do hope Earth Two Alfred is gay. And I'm almost positive Earth Three Alfred is gay because DC made him a bad guy.

Just what Young Master Bruce always wanted: some wide-eyed yokel to admire him! I mean, a friend!

Alfred and Bruce wind up staying for dinner and late into the evening.

But Alfred! You just met him! And you sat by his wife over dinner!

Is "Bruce" Alfred's name for his penis? ... Oh! Fuck. Master Bruce! Yeah, I already pointed this out earlier. Man, that was confusing!

Of course, The Littlest Detective figures out that Clark is crazy strong and they become best friends forever. But that's enough of the cute stuff. It's time to get back to the present where adult friends punch each other in the throat for fun.

Batman and Batman attack Superman and Superman but not because they want to hurt them! They just do it because it's hard to yell "Stop! Wait! The military have weapons that can kill you!" when the person you're yelling at can travel faster than the speed of sound. So they have a bit of a tussle to keep the Supermen from walking into a death trap created by the United States Government. And because of all this chaos, Earth Prime Superman and Earth Prime Batman now each know the secret identity of the other.

Team Earth Two decides they need to destroy the military weapon but Team Earth Prime aren't so sure they want to work together. That's when Kaiyo returns to inform them all that the weapon they want to destroy is the only weapon that can save the world and defeat the monster, Darkseid, that Kaiyo showed them earlier.

Batman Loves Superman #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It looks like Kaiyo has fled Apokolips and Darkseid eventually comes to Earth Two in search of Kaiyo. And Kaiyo is fucking with these Batmen and Supermen in an attempt to get them to use the Mega-Weapon to kill Darkseid when he comes so that Kaiyo can remain free. But we all pretty much know how that turns out, don't we?