Batgirl #35

Dear Diary, eat your heart out!

Dear Diary,
Long time no write, amirite?! Holy Robin Outbursts, I've got so much to tell you! So much has happened since I found out that I'm not a horrible, terrible, awful fratricider! No, no! I didn't give my most precious and super bat-spectacular gift to Dick! Besides, he's dead, Diary! *wink* You know that! *wink wink* Batman is such a lousy liar! You can always tell Batman is lying when he says, "No more secrets." Bullpoo! All you do is keep secrets, B.W.! If anybody is reading this that shouldn't be reading this, "BW" is what I call Batman because his name is (B)at (M)an and I like to sometimes write the M upside down because it looks like a bat! I guess the "M" looks like a bat too. Oh, shut up! Why are you even reading my diary, you jerk!

So here's the big news first! I totally moved out of that skank Alysia's place! J.K! I mean, JK about Alysia being a skank not about me moving out. Although you didn't see where her face was that time I walked in on her playing Scrabble with her friend, so skank is probably the right word! In a non-judgmental, totally approve of it way, of course! I wish I could get Dick to put his face there! On me though! Not on Alysia's Scrabble buddy! So now I'm living in Burnside which is like Hipster Central in Gotham City Over The River! Everywhere I go, people have waxed mustaches and non-prescription glasses with huge frames and big lumberjack beards and fixed wheel bikes that are ten feet tall and nobody quite knows the difference between vintage and retro! Every place smells like coffee and vaping! And I have a new roommate named Frankie who is totally a girl even though she has a boy's name! I think she's a skank too! In fact, I'm counting on it! LOL!

The next big news that is kind of small news (although it was really BIG news if you get my drift diary which you won't get until I tell you more!) is that I saw my first real penis! Okay, it was a photo of some junk but holy moses was it real! I think it was real. It gave me real feelings in the panties! But I pretended to be grossed out because it was an unsolicited peen and that's grosser than gross. But it was kind of not gross, you know? *sigh*

Don't I totally fit in with my new specks?!

The next totally big thing that happened which might be bigger than moving but I can't remember it so it's only the third big thing that happened to me since last time we had a nice chat, Diary. I totally got felt up by some hot guy named Troy! Swoon! Double Swoon! I don't think I can Triple Swoon until he gets into my undies though! I don't want to swoon ahead of myself.

Wait. I wonder if he got into my undies? You know what? I have an eidetic memory and I can't remember the best part of my week! Stupid alcohol! I woke up still wearing the same pair, so that's a pretty good clue that they stayed on! And they were practically grafted to me, so I'm pretty sure I slept in my puddle of joy. I'm the world's greatest detective!

Also, I caught my first Burnside criminal!

I hope busting guys in hoodies isn't as exciting as it gets out here over the bridges.

I was kinda proud of my Troy game from the night before so I referred to myself as "legal" during the fight. I totally objectified myself! LOL!

I wish Dick had objectified me more often! He sure missed out on some sweet, sweet Bat-muffin!

Oh! Diary! Did I tell you that I think Jason Todd is going for the bat-muffin now?! Ugh! I mean, he's hot enough and all. But I just don't know if I can get past his zombie status! What if his wiener falls off in my butthole? Okay, so what, Diary? So I've thought about it enough times that we're already doing butt stuff in my fantasies! Don't judge me! You know how much of his sweat I've gotten in my mouth while sparring with him shirtless? He was shirtless! Not me! Scandal! Even at fourteen, he was a rippling mass of manly ripples. Whoa! I need to be careful. I almost Triple Swooned there just thinking about it!

And then guess who came back into my life like a long lost black canary! Dina...Black Canary? What kind of stupid name is that? Why haven't I ever thought about that before?! Is that some kind of rare canary that shrieks obscenities at people? I guess she took the name canary because of her canary yellow hair and her ability to smell gas! LOL! Anyswayze, Dinah came back into my life even though I practically called her a cunt the last time we were together. See, her dojo was burned down which totally sucked because that's where I'd left my mobile Batgirlcave! And guess what, Diary?! You can't insure Batgirl stuff without giving away your secret identity! So I'm like shit out of fuck luck to coin a dirty, dirty phrase! I'd like to say that in front of Batman! I bet steam would come out of his butthole! That guy is so pent up. I wonder if Alfred gives him happy ending massages! For therapeutic reasons, of course!

So Dinah suddenly doesn't have any place to stay so she comes to me? Why me?! How did she even get my new address?! Grrr! That Alysia is going to pay! I guess I'm happy that Dinah still thought of me first rather than that creepy date-rapist Condor. Looking at his stupid costume with that stupid helmet, I'm fairly certain he meant to call himself Condom. LOL!

Anyswayze, long story short, I lost my laptop! I guess that was also "long story, conclusion that makes no sense!" Ha ha! It was all part of my plan to solve the mystery of Dinah's life going up in flames and taking my Batgirl stuff along with it! I should probably think up shorter names for the mysteries I'm going to solve if they're going to fit on the cover of young adult books that will detail my life and ensure I have lots and lots of money when I retire in like 80 years!

So more big news, Diary! I joined an online dating site! For research and investigative purposes, of course!

I am so going to get fucked! KAIJU SIZED SMILEY FACE!

And while I was busy making my new costume (I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW IT TO YOU, DIARY! IT'S FUDGING ADORBZ!), I got my first potential hymen breaker! I mean suspect!

Mmm! My ass looks tasty in my new Bat-pants! OMG! I'd eat my own ass! Gross!

I could tell by his message that Brad was an asshole. He couldn't be bothered to hit the shift arrow on his phone? And he used the apostrophe once so he knows where it's at? Why not use it in every proper instance, Brad? But he could spend the time typing way too many exclamation points? Nobody is that exciting, Brad. And using "your" instead of "you're"? Unacceptable! Also, it was total foreshadowing when he typed "hit me back"! LOL!

Anyswayze, I totally yoinked "Brad's" data as Batgirl when Gordon Barbara Gordon couldn't show up for the date. Although I guess I can't use that trick anymore or else people might figure out the connection, amirite?! Pretty soon, Babs will be getting messages like "Riddle me this, hottie! What's three inches long and ends with a bang?!" or "It's feeding time at the zoo, my fishy sweet! Waah waah waah!" or "Didn't I shoot you in the spine? How come we never got a second date? We should meet BACK up! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Turns out "Brad" aka Freddy Buttboy has been stealing phones and laptops so Riot Black can get his hands on the information and blackmail people with it. And now he had my laptop! With all of my secrets on it! And the possible footage of Probably Condor burning down Canary's dojo! That creep didn't know who he was messing with! Unless he had already gotten his fat hands on my laptop and then he knew exactly who he was messing with! Eeep!

You wouldn't believe how long I had to stare down through that skylight before he said something that I could turn into a cool one-liner!

I'm totally rocking that new costume, right Diary?! BAM! You just got your ass kicked by one hot little mama, criminals! BAM! Look at this ass! BAM! Now look at this fist! BAM! Check out these perky sweet boobs! BAM! Now look at my foot! BAM! Look at my crotch from the back as I bend over and sexily look over my shoulder at you! BAM! Batgirlarang to your boner, bitch!

My plan wasn't to totally kick Black's ass that night although ramming his head into a dirty urinal was maybe the best part of my week. LOL. My plan was just to take away all the data he'd stolen. And since having an eidetic memory is so rare, I figured he was using some kind of Batman-Villain Cyber-Crap to steal the info. And that's when my super sweet plan that even Tim Drake would bow to me over was put into motion!

I'm such a friggin' genius that I should have an army of Oompa Loompas.

And then, well, I guess I should probably tell you how my week ended although it's really kind of embarrassing. Remember how I was rigging my van to explode if anybody tried to mess with it? I know! I know! It was totally irresponsible because I could have killed some kids just breaking in to steal change out of the ashtray! But even worse? I'm totally to blame for burning down Dinah's dojo because of that stupid incendiary device! Now Dinah totally hates me and is never going to forgive me and we're never going to be friends again. Just like all the other times, right Diary! LOL! She's my bestie!

Batgirl #35 Rating: +5 Ranking. I love new Batgirl. I think I love new Batgirl because I'm pretty sure she's based on my earlier Batgirl Diary entries! They totally ripped off my Batgirl!

Team 7 #5

Here we go again! Got a problem? Shoot it in the face! Problem solved!

Spartan has a couple of pouches on his belt, so I'm guessing he's from the Wildstorm Universe. I'm also guessing that the guy with the pouches on his belt is Spartan! I don't know who the red head is. Maybe it's Barbara Gordon's mother? Whoever it is, my guess is she's part of Team 7's second mission!

The issue begins by informing the reader that the location of the story is The Pacific and the time it takes place is Now. But what does it mean by now? Does that mean concurrent with the other New 52 stories that came out this week? Or does that mean five or more years ago when Team 7 began? These out of time stories are confusing. Since the next page shows Deathstroke infiltrating the ship flying over the Pacific, my guess is that this story actually takes place now. Problem solved and I didn't have to shoot it in the face!

Deathstroke shoots a bunch of problems and then encounters John Lynch who decides they should talk about the past! But the flashback sequence doesn't have either of them in it, so I don't know why they're reminiscing about it. Perhaps it's because Caitlin Fairchild as a teenager is in it and she's working on cybernetics for Team 7. Perhaps they both had illegal crushes on her. Unless she was eighteen. I bet she was eighteen since five years later she'd be twenty three and that seems about the right age for the young Ravagers to think of her as an old person.

Also in their flashback is Dr. Henshaw working on some guy they call Spartan. He seems to be a robot but I don't know where he came from. They don't seem to completely understand how he works, so I don't think they created him. And everybody keeps dropping Dr. Stone's name as well. Maybe Spartan is a Cyborg prototype.

Slade and Alex Fairchild have a bit of an intimate chat over beer. Nobody gets shot. Then Black Canary confronts John Lynch about what the fuck he means to do with Team 7 besides get them killed.

This is his answer. Stop jerks from using kids that can mutilate other kids as weapons.

So John Lynch began Team 7 because he was afraid of people with super powers. No wait! That's not true! He began Team 1 because he was afraid of people with super powers! But I guess everyone in Team 1 died just like Black Canary is afraid is going to happen to her and her teammates. She has a right to be worried though, right?! They are Team 7! Lynch has managed to kill six other whole teams! But what Black Canary is really worried about is that Lynch has begun experimenting on the members of Team 7 in Project Majestic. He's changing them and giving them super powers so that they can effectively combat super powered threats. That's probably a good idea seeing as how they only had bullets on their first mission and those weren't very effective.

The last part of their memory was about Caitlin Fairchild walking in on the cybernetic lab to find that it was changing everyone into cyborgs. Or Spartan was changing everyone into cyborgs. Something was changing everything into cyborgs, anyway! Since the cover declares Spartan was attacking, my guess is he's the one changing everybody.

And then it's back to the present where Deathstroke tries to solve his John Lynch problem the only way members of Team 7 know how! Remember? We've been over this a few times already!

Did Caitlin die? Is the current Caitlin Fairchild a clone? Is that what the Gen 13 project was all about? Clones? Seriously. I don't know! I never read Gen 13!

Whatever happened long ago, whatever possibly killed Caitlin, also killed an entire country, according to Lynch. I don't know what country. Probably Markovia or some other made up DC country. But whatever did it (Spartan, probably!), it's coming back and Lynch needs Deathstroke to help stop it. So I guess next issue will tackle Slade killing it in the present and Team 7 getting their asses kicked by it in the past.

Team 7 #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. I just found this entire issue rather boring. I think I lost interest in Team 7 three issues ago!