Titans Hunt #7

I once ripped Marcus To four new assholes for a boring ass cover like this and it was done ten times better. This is bullshit, Romita. BULL. SHIT.

The Review
The greatest trick DC ever pulled was convincing comic book readers that the Teen Titans were ever entertaining. I blame the Teen Titans cartoon for making people think the comic was enjoyable. I've been trying to get through the second volume of the New Teen Titans (I think it's the second volume? The eighties version with Raven and Jericho?) and it's so much fucking shit that I can't force myself to get through more than one per week! And there are over one hundred of the fucking things! Maybe I'm just not the target audience for the Teen Titans. I think the target audience is dunderheads who don't give a shit about theme or plot or characterization and just want to read romantic triangles and see characters give each other longing looks spurred on by unrequited love! Fuck that nonsense. Love is bullshit and fantasy love in fictional stories is even bigger bullshit than that! You want to read a real love story? Read Edith Wharton's Age of Innocence. Now that's a fucking love story! Compared to that, romance in the Teen Titans books is equivalent to sticking a finger up your ass and giving it a nice big whiff after. Titans Hunt is not better. Which is sad because it's the best depiction of these characters since The New 52 began. Which isn't saying munch since Scott Lobdell has been set up as regent of their omniverse.

Titans Hunt #1

It's a good thing this hunt isn't being performed by OMAC.

Can we all agree that Titans Hunt is a lousy title for a comic book? Dan Abnett either got hit in the side of the head by a cricket bat just before pitching this idea, or he came up with the title using a focus group composed of a three year old, Tarzan, and a man named "Ty Tans" in the process of transforming into a werewolf. I suspect this story will be about hunting. Whether it's performed by Titans or to hunt for Titans, I guess I'll find out. Probably both.

The issue begins with Roy Harper and a bunch of narration boxes. I admit it scared me for a second even though Dan Abnett is writing and not Scott Lobdell. Then as I began to read them and realized they were by an omniscient narrator, I felt like I had just been shoved up my mother's vagina and back into the womb. Which is probably the most uncomfortable way to say that I felt comfortable. Oh how I missed you! And by "you" I mean the omniscient narrator and not my mother's womb! The Narrator explains how Roy Harper gets freaked out by the sight of a water tower that barely looks like Titans Tower but I guess it's close enough to make Roy feel funny. Funny and scared. So scared that he goes to a nearby store to buy a bottle of whisky. He's served by Gnarrk who he doesn't recognize because this is a different universe than the universe that is trying to elbow its way into Roy's head.

Maybe Gnarrk named this series?

The name of the convenience store is "Ice Age" if you didn't notice it plastered all over every panel. Because where else would a cave teenager wind up working? Roy leaves the store with all sorts of familiar Preboot things running through his head where he decides to hang out, drink his whisky, and watch the tornado plow through town.

Meanwhile in New York, Dick Grayson is dealing with some Spyral business. He also preempts the omniscient narrator to take over so he can make a whole bunch of comparisons between life and the circus. Things like they're both full of clowns and neither one is ultimately as fulfilling as everybody would want you to believe. The group he's after deal in black market human organs and they call themselves Harvest. This is the part where I'd make fun of Dan Abnett for trying to be clever if he wasn't actually being so clever. That's clever.

Life is a circus so sometimes an Atlantean probably named Garth appears from out of nowhere and kills everybody under the Big Top. The Atlantean is also after Harvest but in a far more deadly way than Dick Grayson will commit to. Dick avoids dying and almost gets a Preboot memory as he watches the Atlantean disappear under water in a whirlpool.

Donna Troy? If so, she should be okay. She's had plenty of experience with disappearing timelines, alternate memories, and retconned origins.

Down in Los Angeles, Buddy Baker presents an award for Best Original Score to Malcolm Duncan. He's at the ceremony with his pregnant wife Bumblebee. Of course neither of them are currently heroes or ever have been heroes or know anything about having been heroes. But once again, memories of another time and place begin to seep into their lives. I think this scene matters less than the others because Mal and Karen are basically West Coasters. Nobody living on the West Coast is ever taken seriously in DC Comics.

While Dick is lounging around in a towel, Lilith comes to visit him. That's a problem because Lilith shouldn't exist. Unless she was actually Omen although why would I even bring up Omen? Those are memories that should be forgotten while the memories the Titans are dredging up are the ones that should be remembered. Just let the old Titan history pour in to replace the Lobdell, DeFalco, Nicieza, and Mackie bullshit from the beginning of The New 52.

Lilith tells Dick that he needs to find them and then he needs to find her. After Lilith leaves, Dick looks at his penis in confusion.

Lilith works as an addiction counselor. She counsels Roy and keeps a file on all of the old Preboot Teen Titans. She also talks to somebody who is always watching and trying to take the Titans. It's all a big mystery because this is just the first issue and questions are only raised in first issues, never answered. Unless the writer is writing incorrectly, or engaged in some kind of experimental writing. But then the comic book becomes Jeopardy with the answers given without the questions so the answers technically become the questions looking for the questions to answer them.

Titans Hunt #1 Rating: This issue featured a Roy Harper that didn't annoy the fuck out of me, so it probably deserves to be ranked around #20. The Teen Titans have been the most horrendously written characters of The New 52 aside from every character written by Ann Nocenti. Any attempt to fix them is appreciated because it will either end up in the Titans being fixed or just leave them with one more shitty story they were involved in. So at least there's a chance that they can be interesting. Although hopefully nobody tries to make them more like Marv Wolfman's Teen Titans because those guys were worse than I ever remembered. I never should have started rereading the 1980s run of the Teen Titans because now I remember how much I hated Dick Grayson, Changeling, and Cyborg. It's possible now that I've gotten to the issues where Danny Chase is a member of the team, Danny will make me appreciate the other characters because he's awful. He's worse than Scrappy Doo and Cousin Oliver combined.

The Multiversity Guidebook #1

Yay! I'll finally learn the number for Earth-Main-Earth!

This is going to be the best comic book ever! I bet it reminds me of the days when I was a kid and I'd pick up an almanac and flip to a random page to learn a little something new! For you younger kids, the almanac was basically an analog version of the internet with less porn.

Remember how in Thunderworld, all the Doctor Sivanas across all the universes realized that they all existed and decided to work together? Well, all of them except that one goody two-shoes one that fucked up by bringing the psychotic ones together anyway. Well, the best Doctor Sivana of them all, the one that killed all of the super heroes in his universe and was left nursing a raging hard-on to kill more, seems to have found a map and the guidebook to the other universes where he can satisfy his abhorrent lusts!

Doctor Hannibal Lecter Sivana is sick! Who finds joy in killing chibi heroes?!

This happens to be Earth-42 which I think I already would have known if I'd remembered the numbers to all the Earths that made cameos in Grant Morrison's run of Action Comics. Chibi Batman is saved by Mecha-Armor Batman who steps through a warp from his world. Chibi Batman reveals that he's actually Dick Grayson in order to calm down Mecha-Armor Batman who's totally freaked out by this cute little guy. It turns out Mecha-Armor Batman's version of Dick Grayson is dead and this meeting is going to cause his suit to fill up with Bat-tears.

Chibi Sivana and Hannibal Sivana enter one of those transmatter cubes that we first saw back in, again, Grant Morrison's run of Action Comics. They travel to their own version of the Orrery of Worlds, The Scientific Rock of Eternity. Other Doctor Sivanas have gathered in this ship within the Bleed to plan their takeover of the Multiverse. There is African-Multiversity Sivana and Count Sivana and Mistress Sivana and Hissivana and Robo-Sivana and monitors full of all the other Sivanas who couldn't bother to actually make the trip. Chibi Sivana doesn't last long and is eaten by Hissivana just before the Marvel Family flies in to attack, having found the Scientific Rock of Eternity due to Earth-5's Doctor Sivana and his great big failure of a plan, Sivanaday.

Georgia Sivana was more prettier! At least in the butt and bosom area! Mostly because she was showing so much of each of them!

Chibi Batman picks up Doctor Sivana's abandoned guidebook and realizes it's some kind of map of alternate worlds. He begins reading a story in it about Kamandi on Earth-51. Thanks, Chibi Batman! Now I have to read that story too! I suppose I can skip around if I wanted but that's like breaking the rules. And nobody wants to be a dirty rules breaker!

While Chibi Batman reads about Kamandi and his friends discovering an empty tomb of Darkseid, The New Gods watch Kamandi as well and discuss their take on what's going on. Highfather says that Darkseid is "rebuilding his godhead from shattered fragments" across the multiversity. So is Darkseid really involved or is this a case of Highfather just blaming what he knows?

Anyway, one of Kamandi's friends turns out to be an OMAC connected to Earth-51's Brother Eye. He tears through the rubble and they enter Darkseid's empty tomb to discover an ancient story etched on the walls.

Fucking Flash! Every fucking time!

The story continues following The Flash because as I've mentioned time and time again, all multiverse crises begin with that motherfucker. He's a blight to existence! So the multiverse began way back with A Tale of Two Flashes. This also began the idea which has been the basis for this series that every parallel reality becomes fictional material for every other reality. So Barry Allen took his name from the alter ego of comic book character Jay Garrick. And then he met him and realized everybody was a comic book character, somewhere in the multiverse.

But then the Crisis on Infinite Earths fixed everything in such a way that nothing was really fixed. Infinity Inc. couldn't figure out who their parents were. Donna Troy was all, "What the fuck?" Supergirl was all, "Come on! Why me?!" And the Charlton characters were all, "Whee! We exist! Love us!" Then Superboy punched stuff and Skeets birthed Mr. Mind and The Flash went back in time to save his mother and everything kept getting fucked and fucked and fucked again until the DC Universe lay sore and chafed, cum dribbling out of every orifice.

Well for me, it's the left hand.

Back on Earth-42, Chibi Batman turns to the page which is a map of the Multiverse. You've probably all seen it by now. It's over there on the internet if you haven't and you're curious. I'm just going to move on. But first one thought: I hope Grant Morrison does an issue about Limbo!

Chibi Batman and Mecha-Armor Batman get the Transmatter Cube back up and running. Now they just need to figure out how to travel to specific worlds by whistling the right note. So Chibi Batman does research by reading up on all of the cataloged Earths in the Multiversity Guidebook.

Earth-0: New Earth. Earth-Main-Earth. This is the Earth where super heroes don't wear underwear on the outside of their costumes and where most of The New 52 comic books take place.

Earth-1: The Prestige Format Earth. This is the Earth I've been ignoring, mostly because my comic book store didn't reserve a copy of Batman Earth-1 for me when it came out. And nothing describes me better than "giving up immediately when things don't work out." I should probably pick up all the Earth-1 books at some point.

Earth-2: Kiss my ass Earth. Soon to be wiped out Earth. This is the Earth that brought us the most boring weekly series ever imagined, World's End. I can't wait until it blows the fuck up!

Earth-3: The Earth of the Crime Syndicate where everything is backwards. But not backwards in the way that Bizarro World is backwards! In this world, bad is good and good is bad. Although bad is still bad somehow. And East is West and West is East but North isn't South and South isn't North, for some reason.

Earth-4: The Charlton Universe. Home of Watchmen-lite, the characters that inspired the Watchmen and, in time, were inspired by the Watchmen. It's kind of confusing. Blue Beetle lives here so it's probably a kind of dumb universe.

Earth-5: The home of Georgia Sivana, super sexy Science Marvel. Some other little known heroes exist here as well or something. It's a place called Thunderworld and is home to the most boring version of Doctor Sivana.

Earth-6: Some Earth where Batman is a bat and Aquaman is a Despero-looking monster. Maybe. That might actually be Despero! Green Lantern gets his powers from Yggdrasil so he probably lives in a house with a five and a half minute hallway. Main villain: Reverend Darrk! With two "r"s!

Earth-7: A parody of Earth-8 which is a parody of the Marvel Universe. This world was destroyed by the Gentry and only Thunderer, an aboriginal version of Thor, survived.

Earth-8! 'nuff said!

Earth-9: This is the best Earth so far because The Joker is "an anarchist prankster on the side of freedom." Wait, how is that different from Earth-0?

Earth-10: The universe where Uncle Sam and his Freedom Fighters fight against the villainy of the Third Reich. DC seemed to want to add these guys to The New 52, I guess, as they released The Ray miniseries (which I own but never read) and the Freedom Fighter miniseries which I never bought and never read! So thanks for exposing more areas where I'm completely ignorant, jerko guidebook.

Earth-11: This is gender bent Earth where all the heroes who once had "woman" or "girl" in their name now have "man" or "boy" in their name, and all the heroes who had "man" or "boy" in their name now have "woman" or "girl" in their name! This Earth is much better than Earth-0 because it has a lot more opportunities for Boob-Butt Showcases!

Earth-12: The clock on Earth-12 is sped up a bit so while most other Earths run about parallel with Earth-33's timeline, this Earth takes place in the future. Or something. Anyway, it's the home of Terry McBatman and his future friends.

Earth-13. Okay, this is the best Earth so far! And probably won't be beat because Superdemon!

Earth-14: Unknown. Set aside for strange Monitor sexual experiments, probably.

Earth-15: This universe was destroyed by Superboy Prime, the Superboy of our Earth (and by "our," I mean you and me, readers!). If you think a Superboy of our Earth only exists because Grant Morrison does lots of silly stuff, you'd be wrong. He just remembers lots of silly stuff like how in DC Comics Presents #87, there was a Superboy of our Earth! Let me dig it up for you!

See?! It's kind of hard to tell but one of those Earth's is Earth Prime!

Here are some scenes from Superman's adventure on Earth-33!

Really? Bobby Kennedy? Such a white person's choice!


No! Not Pete Moss! Outrageous!

See? Even more evidence of real super heroes being comic book characters in other realities.

Um, anyway, all that is left of Earth-15 is a broken old Green Lantern Battery, known as the Cosmic Grail, lost somewhere in the Multiverse.

Earth-16: This is the home of the legacy heroes, The Just. It's often referred to as Earth-Me because crime doesn't exist and young people are such self-absorbed narcissists, amirite? I mean, is Grant Morrison right? I don't think he is! Young people are just old people who have yet to realize that they've wasted their best years.

Earth-17: This is where Mecha-Armor Batman is from. He's one of the Atomic Knights who are searching for the Cosmic Grail which they plan to use against Darkseid. Why Darkseid would be interested in a planet ravaged by nuclear war, I have no idea.

Earth-18: Wild West Earth! This Earth's technology was frozen in time so now heroes like Bat-lash and Madame .44 and Cinnamon have to view their porn through typed out ASCII pictures sent via telegraph.

Earth-19: Steampunk World. For some reason, everybody looks like they covered themselves in glue and fell in a crate full of gears from old pocket watches and random pieces of tubing.

Earth-20: The home of the Society of Super-Heroes. We saw it earlier in one of the Multiversity funny books. The Green Lantern of this world, Abin Sur, wound up in the Orrery of Worlds to help fight against the Gentry.

Earth-21: Darwyn Cooke World. This is the happy go-lucky world that was seen on all of the variant covers in December. Possibly the happiest world in the Multiversity.

Earth-22: Kingdom Come World. You've probably read about this world. It was painted beautifully by Alex Ross.

Earth-23: This is the Earth where all the super-heroes except Batman are black. Superman is also president of the United States of America. Bruce Wayne probably spends his days gentrifying white neighborhoods. I bet he's a Gentry sympathizer!

Earth-24: Unknown World. Probably the Monitor's septic tank.

Earth-25: Unknown World. Probably where the Monitor's stash their porn.

Earth-26: The Zoo Crew World. The only Zoo Crew book I ever owned (and still own because who stops owning comic books they once bought? Pshaw!) was the Great Oz/Wonderland War! After reading that, I never wanted to hear another pun ever again.

Earth-27: Unknown World. Probably where comic book creators that have appeared in their own comic books live.

Earth-28: Unknown World. Probably a world where nothing is known.

Earth-29. Another one of the best Earths.

Earth-30: The world of Communist Superman where TV watches...no. Stop.

Earth-31: Waterworld. Everybody is a pirate! Ahoy!

Earth-32: This is the Amalgam universe without the Marvel heroes. So the DC heroes just had to mashup with other DC heroes. Sorry, no Lobo the Duck on this Earth.

Earth-33: This is Earth Prime where the histories of all the other Earths are printed as comic books. Unless it's the other way around and all comic books printed on Earth-33 become real, tangible worlds in the Orrery. This world has one superhero: Ultra Comics! Hey! He's the guy that's on the cover of that comic book that's been corrupting the youth!

Earth-34: The heroes of this earth formed a team called The Light Brigade. Their leader is Savior from the ancient civilization of Mu. Their version of Superman (Goodfellow, I'm guessing) looks like he stepped off the sound stage of Hee Haw.

Earth-35: This Earth is described as a "pseudoverse" that was constructed by the Monitors. It's team is called the Super-Americans. Isn't that what every normal American calls themselves anyway?

Earth-36: This is where Justice 9 lives. Red Racer has traveled from this Earth to the Hall of Heroes to help battle the Gentry. This Earth was last seen in Grant Morrison's Action Comics run.

Earth-37. Um. There is, um, this Earth.

Earth-38: The Golden Age Heroes. The world is not trapped in the Golden Age though! It's just that this is where the original Superman and Batman appeared to eventually be replaced by their offspring and proteges.

Earth-39: The home planet of the Agents of W.O.N.D.E.R. I don't know what that stands for. Wholly Original Negative Destroying Earnest Rescuers? Some guy named Happy DaVinci designed all of their technology, so is it really any wonder that the technology is addictive?

Earth-40: The home of Vandal Savage, Worlds Conqueror! Also some other villains. But how many more do you need when you've already got Vandal Savage? Stop being so greedy!

Earth-41: Dino-Cop came from this world. He's also in the Hall of Heroes ready to go to battle against The Gentry.

Earth-42: The Chibi Heroes live here so Chibi Batman is currently reading about himself. And what he finds out is that his world "hides a great and terrible secret." Oh no! This world was also seen in Morrison's run of Action Comics.

Earth-43: Vampires. Lots and lots of super vampires. They're not the sexy ones that all the young kids are fucking in love with nowadays. So gross. These are the Salem's Lot monsters that will bite your face off instead of sending you a wishy-washy love note full of ambivalence and insecurity.

Earth-44: The heroes of this world are a combination of The Metal Men and the Justice League, built by the genius Will Tornado! Lead Green Arrow is fat.

Earth-45: This is where SuperDoomsday was created and sent through one of Lex Luthor's Transmatter Cubes to wreak havoc on various other Earths. The story took place in Morrison's Action Comics and was the first story of The New 52 to really explore the other universes in the Multiverse.

Earth-46: Unknown World. Probably a world where they keep all of the extra question marks.

Earth-47: The world of Prez, teen president! This is also the world where Brother Power, the Geek, resides. Although Brother Power did make a cameo in The Green Team as an object purchased by whichever one of the rich kids was into buying super hero paraphernalia on auction sites.

Earth-48: The Earth of the Forerunners, creatures bred to be protectors of the Multiverse. This is the home world of Lady Quark who had a high profile role in Crisis on Infinite Earths, even if I never could figure out what she was supposed to be doing.

Earth-49: Unknown World. Probably the world where the Monitors went to live after faking their own deaths.

Earth-50: The Justice Lords rule here, a fascist version of Earth-0's Justice League.

Earth-51. The last Earth featuring the last boy on Earth!

Whew! That's all the Earths! And now back to our regularly scheduled program!

Nix Uotan shows up on Earth-51 to release Darkseid from his tomb to cause chaos while The Gentry continues to gentrify planet after planet in the name of the empty, grasping, greedy hand.

Chibi Batman escapes to Earth-17 and is confronted by Adam Strange and his Atomic Knights. Mecha-Armor Batman remains behind on Earth-42 to give Chibi Batman time to escape. And maybe, just maybe, he'll discover Earth-42's terrible secret. Or maybe he'll wind up in the House of Heroes as it comes under attack by one of The Gentry!

The secret winds up being that the Chibi Heroes are machines and they're servants of The Empty Hand! Oh noes! And that's, um, the end! Next time on Multiversity: The Freedom Fighters!

World's End #11

Sonnet #WE11: "Father's Day"

Visage of stone which taught me how to act,
Ignoring all that I desired to be.
Imagination rectified to fact.
A miracle turned into pure fury.

A dream of God, a father far away,
Reminded me that I was not of stone
Nor flesh nor blood but love and spirit made,
Which merely left me feeling more alone.

Each voice commanded me to be like him.
And though a moth attracted to each flame,
I could not bow to each and every whim,
So chose escape and neither of their game.

And so a voice I'd known yet hardly heard
Whispered, "God and Father are both absurd."

World's End #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. It gets that ranking mostly because it was one full story instead of thirty different plot threads! And I apologize, after the fact, on some of my line stresses. But fuck it! It's 400 years after Shakespeare and even he didn't pay perfect fealty to the iambic pentameter over the message or the words he wanted to use. Besides, I only spent about forty minutes on this (including the reading and coming up with a theme and sorting the thoughts of each stanza and, well, you know...the words and syllables are the easy part!).

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10

When did this title become a Macross/DC Elseworlds mashup?

This issue begins with another horribly written article by Lois Lane. Who is writing the Lois Lane articles for the Doomed story arc? Whoever writes the DC All Access Pass page must be writing Lane's articles as well because they are the same kind of appalling! They appall. I am appalled at having read each of her sentences. I will not keep them in my head. Here, take this one back because I don't want it: "Only the outlying areas of the boroughs of Park Ridge and Bakerline were spared, as everything around them literally fell, resulting in massive accidents throughout involving buses, cars, trains and aircraft in the area losing control." While I'm giving them away, take this awkward line as well: "As similar events occurred in Smallville, Kansas, just days ago, everyone is conjecturing what the connection is." How about using "speculating on the connection"? No? Too clear? Well, Lois should at least have used "speculated" later when she repeats "conjecture" because everything is conjecture and this article is shit. And finally, since I'm cleaning out the head space so that I never have to remember this nonsense, take this word from her article: "quesitons". Ugh!

Wait! I was just going to leave it at that but then I thought I'd mention how the only person Lane interviews for her article is some nobody off the street named James Hom who is full of conjecture! But it's conjecture that puts the blame squarely on Superman, so that's good enough for the Daily Planet. Since when did Perry White decide to treat Superman like J. Jonah Jameson treats Spidey?

Currently, Steel and Lana are under attack by Cyborg Superman and his Space Piranha.

Faster than you are? You just flew 99.99% of the way to Jupiter in a few hours!

Maybe Cyborg Superman and his Space Piranha zipped right past because now Steel and Lana are being attacked by Little Brainiac Squid ships. It's also possible I have no clear memory of the things flying along with Cyborg Superman at the end of Action Comics #33. I know that was just last week but I can't be bothered to remember everything, especially when I keep having to dump data like Lois Lane's articles and Roy Harper Narration Boxes written by Scott Lobdell.

It doesn't matter anyway because Superman arrives to smash everything to bits. Space Piranha bits look just like Little Brainiac Squid Ship bits, so if I just wait long enough, it won't matter how I describe them anymore. Although now I'm wondering how Superman got back from Krypton's solar system so quickly!

Back on Earth, the only people left awake in Metropolis are Lois Lane and Wonder Woman. And Lois Lane is a bit questionable since she's now become The Bride of Brainiac. It's a good thing Wonder Woman has keen instincts because she realizes something is wrong with Lois. Her decent eyesight might also have helped with the realization.

So that explains why the articles are so bad. Brainiac has been writing them. It takes more than super intelligence to understand the subtleties and intricacies of a new language.

Lois Lane will probably forget everything she took part in when this story is over because she's totally under Brainiac's control. I wonder how many people use the "I was Mind Controlled!" defense in comic book courtrooms? It's obviously a justifiable defense! I'd probably be mind controlled all the time! "I know I missed curfew by three days, dad, but I couldn't help it! I was mind controlled!"

Lois Lane is still friends with John Corben, also known as Metallo, so she has him attack Wonder Woman. And near Mars, Superman is beginning a battle with Cyborg Superman. Or a conversation. I forgot that this was written by Charles Soule and characters actually speak to each other instead of running around manically swinging their fists and kicking their legs.

Oh well, if Cyborg Superman says it can't be done, why bother trying? Just let Doomsday take over!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10 Rating: -1 Ranking. Superman hasn't actually given himself over to Doomsday without first trying to stop Cyborg Superman's fleet, so I can't be upset about that. Yet! But I do have a complaint about Wonder Woman defeating Metallo and then just standing there watching Lois as she flies off (with Metallo's head) to continue with Plan B of her preparation for Brainiac. I suppose I could do the thing comic book companies expect fans to do, and that's to make excuses for the fucked up parts of the plot. If I were a die hard DC fan, I could explain away Wonder Woman's lack of kicking ass by saying she was probably mind controlled just enough to feel too sad about her missing boyfiend to follow Lois Lane. But DC isn't paying me to help write the scripts! So next time you have Wonder Woman decide not to stop somebody as they prepare Earth for invasion, I want a good reason spelled out in fifteen separate Narration Boxes! Of course, I'll have to bitch and whine about the amount of Narration Boxes and extrapolation, but what can you do? You just can't win if what you're trying to win is me being happy with DC Comics. If you want tongue-in-the-asshole amounts of warm fuzzies, maybe you should go check out the evil video reviews put out by C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E. They want to be a part of DC and Marvel's worlds so badly that they'll say anything as long as it makes creators wet and hard. Fucking evil bastards!

Secret Origins #2

Oh shit. Who allowed Scott Lobdell to tell Starfire's origin?!

It's that time of the month! Time for more Secret Origins that nobody really fucking needs to read! Okay, maybe some people would like to know more about these characters. I shouldn't assume that everybody else has been reading DC Comics for the last thirty years as well! So shall we just fucking get on with it then?

Batman
The first story is about Batman's origin! That's an easy one! I can do it with just a few words! Zorro. Mugging. Death. Pearls. Sadness. Bat. Justice!

It looks like DC is going to be a bit long-winded about it.

At least DC's story has pictures.

I don't know who the Narrator is. It's just some Gothamite telling the story of how not just Bruce Wayne was changed by the death of his parents, but the entirety of Gotham! From that tragedy, they learned that random chance could cut any of their threads at any time! And that apparently sent Gotham over the edge and into madness! How can one's mind comprehend the terrible tragedy of a chaotically random universe?! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Spoiler Alert: You never learn how to get there! You do learn how to attempt to stop the tide from coming in with your bare hands. But that other thing where nobody dies tragically in violent acts? Yeah, you never learn to stop that. Sorry!

Bruce travels the world to learn to stop random acts of violence and psychotic madmen. This one time, he trained under a monkey with cybernetic limbs. I wish this story was that story! But it isn't. Instead, this story is just a composite of panels inspired by back-up stories in previous Batman comic books. A panel which shows how Batman learned to fight to the death without any death and a panel where Batman learned how to solder from a silly monkey and a panel where Batman learned how to drive a stick shift. A page where The Red Hood teaches him an important lesson.

This is that lesson that we all eventually learn. It's the one about not being able to go home again. It's just that most of us don't get hit in the face with a mace when we learn it. Just me and Batman, apparently.

And so Bruce realizes what he's been doing wrong all along! He's been fighting without a ridiculous costume! That's the way to a world free from random violence! A man in a bat costume that carries away children that don't eat their vegetables! Well, actually, that part of the story from Martha can probably be changed a bit. Maybe carry away murderers or something. Anyway, the idea can be refined later! Right now, Alfred needs to get that fucking bat out of the house! It might be rabid! Eeeek!

Batman Origin Rating: No change. If there was anything new here, somebody else will have to explain it to me! I think the idea that he chose to be a bat not simply because a bat flew through the window but because his mother told him cautionary tales about them to get him to eat his vegetables, and because he once learned to shock his enemies. That might be the itty bitty twist that was put on the origin here.

Aquaman
Okay! I think I can do Aquaman's origin in just a few words as well! Woman. Grunion. Spanish Fly. Freak baby! No wait! That's my origin! I think Aquaman's has something to do with a man fucking a mermaid! That's nearly the same thing.

The best part of the origin takes place between the panels. You know! The part that takes place between the sheets!

The rest of the origin is really nothing new. It's already been covered in the pages of Aquaman except maybe with a bit less detail. Aquaman comes out the day of his high school graduation after which his dad dies, he kills Black Manta's father, and he ditches all of his friends. Then he meets some boring super heroes that he dubs "the Others" before ditching those friends to join the Justice League! Later, he ditches those assholes to become King of Atlantis and to stop all manner of monsters from eating anything at all. The end!

Aquaman Origin Rating: No change. This was pretty much a matter of fact retelling of the important bits of Aquaman's life up until this moment. The most important bit seems to be the part where Arthur's friend Danny basically set Aquaman on the path that would cause Aquaman to give up trawling with him. So why was he being such a whiny douche at the high school reunion about Art ditching him? Jerko!

Starfire
Starfire's origin is even easier to tell than the other two heroes! She was born an alien and thus has special powers that are natural to her alien race! There might also be some parts in there about slavery and not wanting to be a part of slavery (especially the slave part of slavery) or something. Probably a bit about how strong it made her and how it taught her to wear very little clothes.

That's the problem, Kori! You renounced your warrior ways publicly! That's basically like saying "Free slaves!" to the rest of the warrior races!

The Tamarans are invaded by The Citadel who are being controlled by the Dominators who have some kind of deal with Helspont. So, you know, whatever aliens Scott Lobdell could think up at the time he wrote this. And since he only writes while he's taking a shit, he didn't have a lot of time to think up any more aliens than this or else he would have thrown them omni in for super duper loads of excitement.

Just like it always happened, Blackfire is put on the throne as a puppet queen and Kori is sent into slavery to keep her in line and keep the people of Tamaran sad. Also Kori is kept sad too! Because of the slavery.

Some other stuff happens where she eventually gets sold into slavery aboard the S.S. Starfire. It's there that she fights back and leads the slaves to revolt and overthrows her slave masters! All in the skimpiest underwear any space princess has ever worn!

Starfire Origin Rating: No change. Once again, this story mostly covered old material without presenting any new or interesting themes. Relatively boring.

While the first Secret Origins showed some promise and made me think I was wrong to instantly despise this new series, this issue ruined all of that new found goodwill! It wasn't awful, so I'm not dropping its rank any. But it just didn't contain any sparks of insight or interesting themes. Batman's story was probably the most interesting. The other two just felt like rehashed hash. I know this series isn't really for me since I'm a Master Comic Book Reader and I've read everything published with "The New 52" stamped on the front, but I was still hoping for, at the very least, some new perspectives on the characters. So far, Greg Pak's take on Superman from his two mothers' points of view was the best new origin and the one everybody else should look to on how to make these origins fresh.

Secret Origins #1

I'm pretty sure I already know all of these origins.

I'm reading this under protest because it's about The New 52 versions of DC's characters but it's not really going to tell me anything new. I'm nearly sure of that! At least not until they begin to get to some really obscure characters. I suppose if you haven't been reading Supergirl, you might be interested to find out how her father sent her to Earth just before her mother shot him in the gut with a laser. And then as Supergirl was traveling to Earth, her mother told Supergirl's father that he was an awful scientist. And then Krypton was destroyed seconds after Zor-el was destroyed. Then she spent many years in some kind of stasis circling the Earth as Superbaby grew up to become Superman. What more is this issue going to add to that?

I'm going to change up my commentaries quite a bit while reading Secret Origins. I'm not going to do any kind of synopsis of the origin stories. I'll just nitpick things that have been changed from what's been previously established and scan in panels of horrible art. Hopefully there will be some horrible art to joke about! Hopefully these commentaries will be fun-sized as opposed to my other commentaries which are, for the internet, long-winded, rambling walls of text. Which they are not, by the way! They're precision focused! And I use paragraph breaks, so they're not walls at all!

Superman
The first story concerns Superman. I'm sure the story will be less origin, since we all know Superbaby is shoved in a ship and blasted toward Earth where he's found by the Kents who raise him in a veal pen until he's old enough to exploit for farm labor, and more theme-oriented where we learn a little something special in the telling of the tale. Although the story is by Greg Pak so it might just consist of Lara thinking things and then Jor-el thinking about the same things but in a different way.

How does Ma Kent know the salt wasn't because somebody was cooking over the baby? She's pretty presumptuous!

Pak does do the Dueling Narration Boxes thing except he uses the voices of Lara and Martha. That's clever. And sweet. And fucking touching, goddammit. I'm going to send this issue to my mother immediately with a note that says, "Superbaby has two women that truly love him. Why couldn't I have even one?!"

How did these bullies not break their fists on Clark's face? I suppose Pa taught him to roll with the punches to save the other kids from some pain and hospital bills.

Eventually the two voices practically merge with the same message of hope and love. Both women directing their comments toward the other woman, the other mother, in little Kal's (Clark's) life. It really is pretty fucking disgusting. Disgusting is the feeling where your eyes mist up and your heart feels like it's too big to contain in your chest and you simply want to weep into a pillow in joy and sadness and nostalgia? Am I getting that right?

Superman's Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm beginning this series at Rank #52 because I really don't need to be reading it. I know everything there is to know about The New 52, right? So how is any of this going to matter to me?! Let me say this: Greg Pak's take on the Superman Origin from the point of view of his mothers was pretty fucking good. That was a nice surprise. Although, as a Master Comic Book Reader, I expected him to pull something like this out of his ass! So bravo to me! Where's my attention and accolades for doing nothing but saying, "I'm sure the story will be less origin and more theme-oriented"? Somebody get me another gold star!

Robin (the Dick Version)
We all know Dick Grayson became Robin when his parents were shot in the face while performing a triple back flip on the trapeze. Then Bruce Wayne was all, "Woah! That's practically what happened to me! And you know, having a kid around the house would probably get Alfred off my back. Jesus, aren't butlers supposed to be unemotional and detached?!" So maybe this story will show how Dick was so filled with his parents love that, when they died, he didn't have to resort to breaking criminal's legs and grinding his teeth while he slept.

The story begins with Dick hanging out at Amusement Mile with his mom and dad. Because he's a good kid that doesn't mind being seen with his mom and dad. They appreciate it and let him run off to tool around with Saiko but not before his father grills him one last time about tomorrow.

It's a bracelet with humming birds on it! That Dick eventually gives to the girl that will become his sidekick! And she'll call herself Hummingbird!

Actually it's a bracelet with Robins on it. Although I'm pretty sure they're actually hummingbirds and everybody is being nice so that Dick's feelings aren't hurt that he was ripped off by the eBay seller.

This was in response to his wife accusing him of padding his trapeze costume.

Actually nobody gets shot in the face. I think I'm conflating Deadman's origin with Dick Grayson's! Their trapeze gives way to make it look like an accident although Tony Zucco yelling, "Boo Yah!", in the back of the tent as the Graysons fall to their death seems like a bit of a giveaway.

Am I the only one that always reads Dick's name as an insult? "Yo dick! Remember me?!" It doesn't help that DC still utilizes all capital letters.

Eventually a robin flies through a window at Wayne Manor and before Alfred can swat it with a frying pan, Bruce points out that in some cultures Robins are seen as a sign of growing up. In some cultures, they're also a sign of bad costume design.

A year after Dick's parents' deaths, Dick wonders how he should remember them. Alfred points out that Bruce is a pessimistic old downer and Robin should be the opposite of that. So Dick goes to Amusement Mile to celebrate their life.

Robin's Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. One major new twist in this bit was the connection to Amusement Mile. I like that that was the last family day he spent with his parents so it's also the place where he celebrates their life a year later. It makes his decision to buy the place mean that much more. I guess it also means its more tragic that The Joker burned it to the ground!

Supergirl
I already explained Supergirl's origin previously, so I'll just get to reading it here. I just hope Harvest doesn't make a fucking appearance! Tony Bedard might still be suffering from the effects of having Dan DiDio attached to his sternum sucking out his soul.

All the usual stuff happens. Kara shot off to Earth. Zor-el shot. Argo City saved for a brief time.

They did not. Although the moment before their deaths was one of my favorite pages in all of The New 52. It was in the pages of Cyborg Superman #1.

After getting to Earth, Supergirl's origin story explains her powers. Since they're all the same powers that Superman has, it's probably nothing new to anybody reading it. But then this penultimate panel explains the theme of this origin story so that I don't have to work it out!

In other words, "Fuck off, asshat."

Supergirl's Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm giving it a positive ranking not because it really delved too deeply into Kara's character but because it pretty much explained why she always punches things in the face. Because she's doing things her way! And punching people in the face is the right thing to do even if there are consequences which she doesn't understand! So stop trying to make her conform to your Kryptonian Man Rules, Superman! Is that what the "S" stands for? "Sexist"?

Instead of an "ending" pic, here's a "beginning" pic because it's an origin. Also, this picture is adorable.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #7

Lobdell just got through saying Superman can stand in the heart of a sun. Why then would a tiny nuclear explosion fuck him up so badly?

I suppose because Superman is powered by the light or heat or magic particles of a yellow sun, he can stand inside the heart of one. I think his cells would turn cancerous and he'd turn into a gigantic tumor. Or maybe his cells would burst from taking in so much energy. But Lobdell likes to say stupid things in an offhand way that make Superman seem super ridiculous. So I'm not going to believe anything that happens in a Lobdell comic book. This seems closer to the truth about Superman's power. He's nearly blasted into a skeleton from the explosion. Although Wonder Woman is pretty much just fine, having been wrapped in Superman's cape. What the fuck is Superman's cape made from? The wool of Super Lambs? How powerful would Kryptonian Lambs be if they invaded Earth?

Half of this issue is spent on Superman getting back to the Fortress of Solitude to heal and Wonder Woman getting back to her sister Hessia who was a healer on Paradise Island. I suppose while Wonder Woman heals, Superman gets better more quickly and heads over to Action Comics to help out Lana Lang with her underground civilization problem. He kicks The Tower's ass leaving The Tower to go fishing for Doomsday.

Down in the Mariana Trench, Doomsday has set up his own Fortress of Solitude. His is even more solitudier than Superman's. The Tower has sent a submarine to fetch Doomsday so they can use Doomsday against Superman. But how are they supposed to catch a creature which they're after because it's more powerful than Superman? You can't just bring that thing back to the lab!

Who thinks this is going to go well?

And then Doomsday sinks the submarine! The Tower acts like they're surprised when they lose radio contact with the submarine. Then they just ask stupid questions like "Do you require assistance?" Of course they do! The world is about to require assistance!

While Superman was off helping Lana Lang, Wonder Woman healed more quickly than I thought she would and goes off to become the God of War. So a lot has happened between the beginning of this issue and the near end when Clark and Diana meet back up in the skies over London.

Clark hints that maybe they should go fuck in her apartment but Diana doesn't quite catch his drift and winds up taking him to a dance club.

While Clark dances awkwardly and Diana does that thing where she closes her eyes and dances with her arms straight up over her head, Doomsday climbs out of the ocean to put a stop to it. Hurry, Doomsday! Hurry! I can't stand to see awkward dancing Clark for even one second more!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #7 Rating: No change. Since the first half of this comic book was simply Superman and Wonder Woman heading to the hospital, I almost hated it. I still hate that exactly half the book was recovery time. And then the Doomsday stuff was whatever. Yeah, yeah. We've seen it. We know. Doomsday breaks everything. But the last bit of the book with Clark and Diana talking was nice even if it was only about four pages. More of that and this book is going to hit a home run every month. I think Charles Soule is writing too many comic books now because he really only wrote about four pages of comic in this twenty two page issue! Weirdly enough, those four pages far outshone all thirty issues of Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #4

What secret? That glass is fragile and breaks? What are we talking about here?

This issue is called "What Any Man Would Do." Okay! I'm ready to argue about something now! I'm a man and I wouldn't do that! I don't know what that is yet but I'm sure I wouldn't do it! Unless what any man would do is lick a butthole and then I have to say, "Oh, yeah. Any man would do that!" Especially Diana's butthole! If you're a woman and you're heterosexual and you're wondering how a man must feel when he thinks about licking Diana's butthole, just replace Diana with Dick Grayson and you'll see what I mean! Now I've managed to get everybody but the asexuals all hot and bothered with all this butthole licking imagery. I've probably also grossed some people out but those people just don't know what they're missing and haven't learned how to live and probably think they've made a valid life decision by choosing to not lick buttholes! Anyway, who am I to argue with their obstinacy and wrongheadedness?

Maybe I should change the subject before I start asking Lord Google to show me butthole licking images! Oh! I bet that's "What Any Man Would Do!" Search for pornography on the internet! I guess Wonder Woman is about to check Superman's internet search history. I bet his most often tried search entry is "naked pictures of Lois Lane." You know, just in case that ever happens and good old Jonathan Carroll posts them on his Tumblr, Journalistic Douchebag.

I don't know why but I felt this image of Zod should be left here. Seemed pertinent.

Diana has been trying to get Superman to reveal his identity as Clark Kent to the world so that they don't have to hide their relationship. And now that their relationship has been exposed, she still wants him to reveal his identity so that they can be together whenever they want. She kind of has a point. Superman doesn't need his identity in the same way that Batman does. Superman doesn't have any family that he's trying to protect. At this point, he'd just be protecting Clark Kent's friends and acquaintances. But he only has those friends and acquaintances because he insists on being Clark Kent. Drop the secret identity and stop working at the Daily Planet and he shouldn't have anything to worry about. Oh wait. He doesn't even work at the Daily Planet anymore! Besides, the only people that would be threatened would be Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane. And they already treat Superman as their Get Out of Trouble Free card anyway. They take unnecessary risks in their job because Superman always seems to be around to save them. I don't think much would change if Superman exposed himself. Giggle.

Clark's argument is that he enjoys the difficulty of writing and being a normal person. Right. You know what's not difficult? Being Superman and playing at being a normal person. The safety net really does change everything, Clark.

Back in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman takes out his Phantom Zone lens so Zod can teach him about Doomsday. I'm still unsure about The New 52 history of Doomsday since Superman seems to be unfamiliar with Doomsday in this book but I thought Superman had been killed by him at least once by now. Maybe Superman died from Bird Flu and that's the death and resurrection he was discussing with Alec Holland way back in Swamp Thing #1. Zod also shows Superman that his Menagerie cages are merely Kryptonian Shipping Containers which dissolve when someone says "Default" in Kryptonian.

Where the fuck did Superman get all of his Kryptonian technology? Did he steal it out of The Bottled City of Kandor and have it biggie sized?

Anyway, General Zod shows that the word works on all of the containers equally well and Superman is left to do what any man would do. Not that! Um, something else!

"Faora must be free of the Phantom Zone! I must make her butthole tangible!"

I guess the title applies to Zod as well as Clark. Although it looks like Zod will do anything for love but Superman won't. Now I have to play my iTunes or Meatloaf is going to be stuck in my head. Preemptive earworm strike! "Who Do You Think We Are?" by Alice Cooper will drive Meatloaf away!

Superman is unable to stop Zod from pulling Faora out of the Phantom Zone as "When the Party's Over" by Janis Ian plays in the background.

During this entire struggle, Wonder Woman Narration Boxes about the nature of their relationship and whether she should even care one way or the other if it's hidden or not. I think what it comes down to is Wonder Woman would give everything to save Superman in much the same way that Zod gives everything to save Faora. The question is where does Clark's loyalty lie if he's unwilling to give up his human guise for Diana? Will he sacrifice her for humanity? Will he do what any man would do? Why won't he just get his tongue right up in there? It's not like she uses Kryptonite suppositories.

And another question comes to mind. What would Faora do for Zod? Is she as in to him as he's in to her? Or has she been spending the long, lonely Phantom Zone nights rimjobbing Doomsday? It's a legitimate concern!

The back-up story tells the story of Clark and Cat celebrating their big Superman Loves Wonder Woman scoop. It's mostly a double page spread of Superman and Wonder Woman messing up their underpants as they kiss with a bunch of characters' reactions to their relationship in the background.

They must not have dibs on Krypton.

I usually scan pictures of characters kissing but this shot is more important than the mouth action.

The Man of Steel's penis suddenly pressing against you can't be comfortable. Like running full speed into a piece of rebar sticking out of a concrete wall.

Cat's boyfriend Aaron is an evil genius in the making. He's working on an instant learning machine that downloads whatever you need right into your brain. If you sit in it the correct way. I imagine it does something else if you stick your ass in first.

Lex Luthor reacts to the news in much the same way Batman does. Batman is angry because he always thinks the worst will come of any situation. Luthor is mad because somebody else is fucking his man. Up until now, Superman easily could have been gay and Lex had hope. But now he just has to hope that Superman has found himself an Amazonian beard or else Lex's dreams of a happily ever after have just gone down the prison toilet.

Diana's reaction is to head back to Themyscira to check on her snakes. Clark's reaction is to question why the picture of Superman and Wonder Woman would have been sent to Clark Kent's little blog. That's the kind of question Batman would ask! Oh, and Clark Kent since he's an investigative journalist!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. The Zod stuff was fairly pedestrian and I was ready to not raise the rank of this comic book but then I so enjoyed the back-up story, I changed my mind. And my underpants.