Suicide Squad #6

See? I told you he was hiding in the bathroom!

There's nobody more helpful in life than that person who, when faced with a generalization from a friend, makes sure to point out that the generalization doesn't apply to everybody targeted by the generalization. I don't need to be reread the dictionary definition of "individual" every time I make a scathing criticism of all corporations, lawyers, cops, or mothers! I understand that, in theory, somebody's mother must be an angel! I don't need my rant cut off at the knees by a meaningless statement that adds nothing to the horribleness of mothers! I get it! Yours was a saint! But, overall, and so close to 100% that if this were a calculus problem, we'd be streaking to infinity on it, mothers are awful, terrible people. Also, I'm not sure my calculus bit would actually hold up in court. Probably because lawyers are jerks who would totally ask me leading questions that don't provide context for my calculus problem and then when I try to provide that context, I'm shut down and told to only answer the questions asked. As if that's fair! I could make any mother look like a huge jerk if they were only able to answer the questions I asked! Not that it would be hard because, after all, mothers! Amirite?!

I just ate lunch after writing that paragraph. While doing so, I chose to read some Facebook comments on a Ricky Gervais post about a preacher telling kids in line for Santa that Santa Claus doesn't exist. Here's a response from somebody who should get their Internet Comment Card taken away:

fucking hypocrites. So it's alright to lie and tell kids Santa exists but telling them God or Jesus is real is in some way wrong or idiotic. HAHAHA! mugs.

This is why I can't debate stupid people. Because they think they're so smart! But they're not smart! I'm smart! Unless I'm one of the stupid people who think they're smart? No, no! It can't be that! Because I don't say things like this guy who think it's the same thing to tell a kid Santa doesn't exist, knowing that they'll enjoy the fantasy as a child and eventually grow out of it and look fondly on the lie, as to tell a kid Jesus and God are real and expect them to live their entire lives accordingly and to squash all doubts to the contrary because that's probably one of the sins that will send you to Hell and maybe you should just hate gays too, just in case. Now whose the mug! Wait, what does that mean? Stupid British slang!

This is how this issue begins:

Why doesn't the Comic Book Code Authority still exist to stop images like this?! I never wanted to see an Amanda Waller upskirt photo!

Since nobody dies in the Suicide Squad, this is, of course, a fantasy. We all know Katana is going to hack the bullet out of the air. We knew that last issue when the gun was fired. But for one brief illogical second, I thought that maybe, just maybe, DC had killed Amanda Waller. I didn't think it was because the editors wanted to change up the way the Suicide Squad is run. I just thought maybe Jim Lee complained to the right people about having to draw a fat woman several times a month.

I almost went with "overweight woman" instead of fat but who am I to judge Amanda Waller's preferred weight? She might be underweight and pissed off because all of her older underwear keeps almost sliding off when she wears skirts.

So on the next page, Katana does indeed chop the bullet out of the air with her sword. So now we know she's got secret speedster powers! Unless it's just a given that ninja-types can move at super speed but only when it comes to dodging bullets and catching arrows.

Amanda is now going to have to reassess allowing people to carry guns in the lab. Forget about almost killing her! What if Rick had missed and shot an important piece of machinery keeping Zod in check?! The world could have been destroyed! You're probably thinking that Superman could stop Zod but you know how many times Superman is needed but "the Justice League is on a mission in space!"? A lot!

Nobody thinks to take Rick's gun away or cut off his arm at all (which, if you ask me, totally seems like a missed opportunity). Probably because they're distracted by wanting to kill everybody else. It seems some kind of rage virus has taken over the lab and the scientists are throwing the most awkward, terribly aimed, low powered punches at each other that I've ever witnessed.

Amanda headbutts Rick Flag and then the power goes out. I bet that's an excuse for Jim Lee to draw two or three pages in complete darkness. Which means he doesn't have to draw them at all, if you weren't following what I was saying as closely as you should have. It's hard to tell how many people like the guy I quoted above read these commentaries. I'm sorry you don't understand most of what I write, dum-dum.

Thanks for the information, Deadshot. Nobody else has eyeballs!

Thanks to the Phantom Zone Sphere (which everybody keeps calling the Black Vault, so maybe I should too!), Katana goes aggro as well and cuts the heads off of two scientists. I'm sure that won't effect her at all. Nobody wants to read this comic book for the kind of character development where a person questions their relationship with violence, and falls into a state of depression for having sent two innocent men's souls into the Soultaker Blade for eternity.

Another important tidbit of information Waller lets slip (to the readers! Not to the inmates!) is that if the Belle Reve power grid fails, they can't blow the prisoner's brain bombs. Well, I hope she has a backup generator! Maybe she should think about getting a cloud based brain bomb app so she isn't reliant on any power except the charge on her phone? I'd definitely look into it.

Here's another thing that happens in this comic book that I'm absolutely sick of: the cells unlock because of the power outage. Enough with cells that need a constant electric current to remain locked! If they do rely on electricity for locking and unlocking, they should default into locked when the power goes out. Stupid electrical engineers of the DC Universe!

Elsewhere in Belle Reve, June Moone and Killer Croc are released from their cells.

Yes! Now I know the proper way to do oral sex on a woman! Look at her orgasm!

It seems Captain Boomerang is currently in digital form inside of Hack's head. He's trying to help protect her head since he's living there now. He helps to keep the brain bomb out of her head by destroying the Brain Bomb Implanting Machine with his digitalness. Or something.

On a side note, even when the power is flickering, the people running Task Force X think it's a good time to try to implant a brain bomb. On a sidelier note, the Brain Bomb Implanting Machine is just a huge buzz saw on a crane. That seems...unnecessary.

On the sideliest note, you know how the scientists were using a Red Sun Generator to make sure General Zod would stay asleep and not be powered up? Apparently it has a Yellow Sun setting which one of the violent scientists uses. Who demanded that be an option?! I get that once you have a Kryptonian under your power, you'd want to be able to power him up. But for safety's sake, get two different fucking machines, you cheapskates!

Everybody in Belle Reve has gone insane except Harley Quinn who has gone sane. That seems like a thing that should happen. I know I'm judging crazy comic book logic but hear me out! If something drives somebody insane, doesn't it make sense that it would drive an insane person more insane? I'm just looking at a pretend chart here and it doesn't show that insane people suddenly become the most sane people if they get too insane. Although I will say insane people sometimes have fairly accurate insights into the world. Sure, you have to ferret out the insight lost among a plethora of lizard people and satellite death rays and vendettas against meter maids with their time machine ticket pad Frankenstein body scanners. But you'd be surprised how often I find myself nodding along in agreement while reading a schizophrenic rant. Okay, maybe you wouldn't be surprised by that, jerko.

Anyway, once Harley is sane, she obviously needs to cut off the colored ends of her hair, wipe off the mascara, take someone's Kleenex, and wipe the lipstick away. She knows things were bad but now they're okay. Also she puts on Hack's glasses so that she'll look respectable in her lab coat and short shorts that show off her professional camel toe.

That's the end of Jim Lee's twelve pages! Now for the backup story! It's about Killer Croc and how he keeps eating the guards in charge of his security. Waller seems to think this is an acceptable turnover rate for the position because she's certainly not in a hurry to figure out how to isolate Croc so that he never interacts with another guard for the rest of his prison time.

The story is interrupted by an advert for Justice League vs. Suicide Squad: Dusk of Mostly Water. In the ad, The Flash is battling Captain Boomerang. Come on, DC! Spoiler alert much?! Also, it's written by Joshua Williamson so I'm already yawning.

Anyway, the Killer Croc story is about how Killer Croc was made a monster by society. The end. Mind blown. What's that? Why yes, I do always make a jerk-off motion and roll my eyes when my mind is blown.

The Review!
No change. Same old same old same old as the same old that was the same old as the same old.

Batman #5

The Review!
The metaphor (meataphor?) of this book is readily apparent to anybody who knows what a metaphor is and can read and has made the connection that Gotham the super hero has the same name as Gotham the city. If it's a bit subtle for some of you, you're probably writing for Comic Book Resources. I don't have anything against Comic Book Resources but I feel like I should really hate anybody I can identify as a rival. Often I'll stand in line at Taco Bell thinking what a fucking slut the person ahead of me is. I don't even have anything against sluts! I think maybe I'm just angry. But then who isn't angry inside a Taco Bell? There's a reason every one of us is under that roof and it's not because we have control over our lives. Especially that slut.

So, um, that metaphor! Let me walk you through it slowly. Gotham is a city and that city has problems. Batman tries to fix those problems. And that's the synopsis of seventy-five years of Batman. But wait! Tom King has come along and thought, "What if...wait for it...wait for it (that first wait for it was asking you to wait for the second wait for it!)...Gotham was a character! But not in that way too subtle and overly finessed way Scott Snyder did it in his incomprehensible run on the comic! I say we make Gotham an actual person! And he can totally represent Gotham in every way and now Batman has to fix him or punch him or put out fires on him or buy up pieces of his body at rock bottom prices and then patrol those neighborhoods to drive out crime so that the value of his properties rise! Okay, yeah, you're right. I'm getting a little bit too literal on the metaphor! But you get where I'm going with this, right? Gotham City is broken and then comes this guy Gotham who is majestic and awe-inspiring and a great place to raise your kids. But then he gets broken too! Now we can watch Batman fix Gotham City by fixing Gotham Dude! Who wants to be the first to shake my hand and pat me on the back?!"

It's actually more complex than that but I'm a lousy critic who is probably just jealous of professional writers and needs to tear down everything they make to feel better about my lousy existence, so how am I supposed to understand the complexity of the metaphor? I suppose I have to remember that Hugo Strange is part of this and, just like all of Batman's villains, Strange is trying to control Gotham. But not the city! The dude! Get it?! But by controlling Gotham Dude, Hugo can now destroy Gotham City. So the metaphor sort of begins to bleed into itself like a Dali painting running from the rain and dripping all over an Escher print.

At one point in the story, Alfred dresses up like Batman to confront Gotham merely to detain him. Gotham says, "What...who are you?" Alfred responds, "I'm Batman." Then Gotham is all, "No...you're just a man in a mask." See?! It's still all metaphor for how the city reacted to some idiot tying a towel around his neck and running about the yard hitting his friends with sticks. Gotham City's first reaction is, "How can a man in a mask help?! We're all dying here!" And, well, the city must be right because Alfred turns and runs away once Batman arrives. Which is the continuation of the metaphor! I think. Maybe it's a different metaphor. Or perhaps I'm wandered into thematic discussion? Anyway, the point is that the city doesn't need somebody in a mask to save it. The city needs the Jeezly Crow Batman! And it can recognize when the pencil mustachioed man with the ill-fitting onesie draped over him isn't Batman.

So now that you've got all that metaphor in your head--don't be distracted by the Monster Men who are coming!--it's time for the big twist: Batman is actually Gotham! No wonder he was so upset when he realized he was infested with owls. Batman is such a huge control freak that he blames himself for everything that is wrong with Gotham because it's everything that is wrong with himself. His failures and his flaws are Gotham's failures and flaws. And with that revelation, Gotham is no longer needed and the metaphor is allowed to run its course and die. But Gotham Girl gets to stick around because she needs to marry Duke Thomas and kill Bruce Wayne later. You can't have a Batman series without a Death of Batman story being wedged in there somewhere, apparently.

So I guess this is becoming a Gotham Girl comic book and not a Batman comic book. I bet David Finch was excited about that! I have a feeling Tom King just finally broke down from Finch's incessant emails asking King to write in more scenes where Gotham Girl can wear a bikini or maybe be in her panties getting ready for bed or perhaps barely covered up by the steam of a shower while naked in the bathroom or perhaps just have her cosplaying White Rabbit! And Tom King was all, "Fine! Gotham Girl Year One! Bone up on your female underwear drawings!" And David Finch was all, "Boned and ready!"

Somebody, somewhere, at some point in time is going to point to this panel to show how much stronger and more powerful Gotham Girl is because she doesn't look hurt at all while Gotham is now dead. But it's really just the only way David Finch knows how to draw women and men. Women are always somehow under good light with clear skin and men are lit by flickering florescent bulbs with old, tattered wrinkled skin (and usually fish lips).

Batman #4

Gotham's kryptonite must be seeing Batman's cock.

The Review!
I'm not going to let one ridiculously tortured plot development turn me against Tom King who wrote the exceptional Omega Men book and co-wrote the fun Grayson book. My brain is screaming to write something about time travel and castrating his grandfather but I'm not going to resort to such childish behavior. I'm better than other critics! I can let a weak scene go without tearing down Tom King's entire career! So he made a mistake! He wrote a shitty scene with crap motivation that makes no actual sense. If I could find a way to blame it on David Finch, I would! But the scene with Gotham's parents is all Tom King. He has to own it. From this day forward, it will be the weird dead bird jewelry he wears to weddings which he has to explain to everybody who passes by. The good news is that we all trip up every now and then! Just the other day, I kicked a cat in the head on purpose! I was all, "Fuck you, cat!" And then I kicked it in the head so hard that I created a new mini-universe. Also I'm lying about kicking a cat in the head. My real mistake was thinking that was a funny thing to write. But now I'm crying over a cat I totally made up. See, Tom King? We all makes mistakes! You can move past yours. But I don't think I'm getting over my mistake. I feel terrible now!

The Commentary!
Last issue, we learned people have different ideas about what Gotham does to the people who live there. Batman and the Gotham Kids' parents think Batman makes people stronger. But Hugo Strange thinks Gotham makes people stupid fucking idiots with low self-esteem who are in denial and willing to live in constant danger because they have no imagination and can't envision a city where dozens of people don't die every night. Hugo Strange makes a more compelling argument than the good guys. The only problem is Hugo will take a decent assessment of the city and decide that the solution is to make the city even worse. That's because he and Batman agree on at least one thing: fear makes people stronger! I mean, Batman's whole shtick is to scare criminals but I don't think he wants to make them stronger. So I think Batman has some addenda to his fear thing where he believes criminals are cowardly and will just be more fearful because they're stupid criminals but victims are brave and will become stronger because they're not criminals! It makes sense to a guy willing to stay up all night in Bat-pajamas.

This issue begins with Batman discovering twenty-seven dead soldiers and Gotham Girl crying in the corner talking about being scared. See? She's sticking to the theme! Gotham is a scary place, even for superheroes! But it's what you do with that fear that separates you from the people who do something different with that fear! Hmm, maybe I should have thought about that sentence more and turned it into something quotable. But why bother when that president has a monopoly on fear quotes with the whole fearing fear is the greatest fear thing. Apparently Gotham has been mind-manipulated by Psycho-Pirate and Batman's greatest fear has come true: a good guy with super powers is being used for evil purposes. Nobody in the Justice League ever takes the time to understand why Batman has a Kill Box in the Bat Cave for every other member of the Justice League, even when they're constantly being controlled and manipulated by magic and psychic powers and Joker Venom. But this is why! Because none of them seem to be able to withstand even the amateurish emotional manipulations of Psycho-Pirate. I get that Psycho-Pirate is, once again, being manipulated himself by a more intelligent super villain. But it's still just Psycho-Pirate's barbaric assault of pure emotion. I guess that's as effective as bringing a club to an art museum and just smashing away. It might not take a lot of thought or preparation but it's effective!

Good thing, according to the cover, Batman has already discovered Gotham's secret weakness is seeing his cock! I hope Gotham Girl has the same weakness! Ooh la la!

P.S. The Monster Men are coming.

Can I put a postscript in the middle of a written piece? Am I allowed to do that? Why am I asking you? You're a bigger failed writer than I am!

Alfred, this is not the time for your droll sense of humor. She is terrified and in pain!

Knowing that Alfred has had more than a lifetime of giving a shit about people in pain, Duke Thomas steps in to comfort the hot young woman with shoulder rubs and long hugs and sensitive, caring frottage. Duke is all, "Do you like my skin? I look like a woman in the Bat-cave's poor lighting, don't I? That's to indicate I'm young! See all of Alfred's wrinkles? What an oldie! Just ignore him because you probably have Daddy Issues and I don't want you falling for him before you fall for me!" But Duke's game is interrupted by Batman needing Duke to do some more Word Problems for him. Batman has tracked down Gotham and is ready to talk some sense into him. Too bad Gotham is invulnerable so Batman's usual method of talking sense is just going to hurt Batman's fists.

Oh, come on, Batman! Those twenty-seven dead men are exactly the first thing you thought he could do the instant you met him! You want to gloat a little bit right now, right? Just a bit? Give Gotham an "I knew it!" or "I told somebody so, probably a butler!"?

Duke, knowing that he was being asked to do a Word Problem and not any actual investigation of the twenty-seven dead soldier crime scene, makes a huge breakthrough! He realizes that by taking all of the serial numbers on the dog tags of the victims, he could...add them up! Holy shit! You mean, numbers can be added together?! Even when they're as big as the numbers in military serial numbers?! That Duke Thomas is a crazy ass fucking genius! I hope they add up to the number 517713173!

Oh man. If you got that reference, you are fucking big time. I'm calling you Mr. Big Time from now on! And I don't mean, "got that reference after thinking it seemed familiar and fucking Googling it". I mean, "got that reference because you saw it and immediately thought, "I'm still angry about wasting my money on that piece of shit series!"

Gotham takes off after destroying Batman's car (which probably also destroyed the motorcycle inside of the car) so Batman has to use his Red Robin wings to get back to the Batcave. But unlike Red Robin, Batman keeps his wings in the trunk of the Batmobile. He really should have Tim design him some wings that just pop out of his butthole or whatever.

Duke's Word Problem is even worse than the one I imagined it would be.

Not only is Duke a fucking genius for figuring it out, whoever designed the dog tags so they contained this clue has some kind of super villain OCD.

This is where Batman's super power of being able to differentiate between complete nonsense and salient plot points comes into play. Because if I were Batman, I would tell Duke he was reaching. But Batman is all, "Amanda Waller is behind this! And not the steadily gaining weight Amanda Waller of Suicide Squad Rebirth #1 but the skinny one with a hint of a rounder cheek because David Finch can only draw one body type on a woman." My theory for David Finch's art style is that David Finch always walked out of art class if the model was overweight or older than fifteen or male. What I'm saying is he isn't versatile.

Batman heads off to speak with Amanda Waller in her super secure secret location that nobody knows about. He gets the added bonus of startling and humiliating General Lane, a story I'm sure he'll share with Superman over a beer and a laugh. The coded dog tags were so specifically coded that I have to believe they were there on purpose to alert Batman. And since he's now going in to talk to Waller, my guess is Waller put them there because she doesn't like being forced to work this shitty plan by Lane and Strange. At least I hope that's it because I like to think that Batman and Waller can always find a way to work together by ignoring the huge chasm in their ethical and moral differences.

Amanda Waller reveals to Batman that Task Force X was given the job to stop Gotham from burning down every few months. Her plan was pretty much the plan I pointed out when I realized it was Strange and Psycho-Pirate. Psycho-Pirate's power would be use to contain the more exuberant emotions of the residents of Gotham while Strange would direct Psycho-Pirate because Psycho-Pirate is, as you can tell by his name, psycho. A two-man Suicide Squad team to fix Gotham! But, as sometimes happens on Squad missions, Amanda's agents went rogue and decided to play dolls with Gotham and Gotham Girl. Now Amanda wants Batman's help which is basically an admittance of failure on her part. She's basically saying Batman is the only one who can keep Gotham under control and even though it burns down every few months, that's better than it would be without Batman.

Batman learns that one of the soldiers survived Gotham's attack and got a look at Gotham as Gotham took off his mask and did some research to find out who Gotham was and went off to kill Gotham's parents because he was angry that his friends were dead. Just a second. I have to check the cover of this comic book. Nope, it's definitely Tom King writing this. He must be overworked writing all of that highfalutin stuff in The Sheriff of Babylon (which has an advertisement on the opposite page of this hack revelation in Batman, so...you know, correlation confirmed?) and didn't have time to come up with a way to kill Gotham's parents that made sense. Because this is a brutally tortured method of arriving at this point.

Sure, I can chalk it up to Psycho-Pirate! It's all Psycho-Pirate manipulating emotions and driving the soldier so crazy that he decided the best way to get revenge is to reverse Google image search a picture of Gotham unmasked to discover who he is on Facebook and then find the guy's parents to kill them in a blind rage. Sure. I could do that. But I don't want to do that. I wouldn't do that for Scott Lobdell so I'm not doing it for Tom King either. He's going to have to live with being criticized! Ptui! I spit on this plot development, Tom King! Whoops! I missed the plot development and accidentally spit on Tom's dick! Why waste it, Tom? You can still fuck me! No hard feelings?

See? That's the Hugo solution I mentioned earlier! He wants to make Gotham worse! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Batman #2

Here we see Batman thinking, "I'm getting too old for this shit."

The Review!
Tom King's Batman is the best Batman because...that's where I would put a bunch of smart reasons that I don't want to come up with. But you know they'd be really smart and super intelligent and way funnier than any reasons given by those guys at the Weird Science blog! Their motto is "We don't know who Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea is but we know we're not as cool!" I think. Their motto might also not revolve around me at all. In fact, if anybody has ever mentioned my blog to them, they probably responded with "What do you want me to eat, asshole?!" Anyway, Batman with no Narration Boxes is the best Batman. If you like Batman with Narration Boxes, you're basically Kevin Smith. And who would want to be Kevin Smith? I mean aside from the success and the loving family and the ability to eat anything you want because hockey jerseys fit people of any size. Did that sound like I was slagging off Kevin Smith? I didn't mean to! I love Kevin Smith! I also love telling kittens at the Humane Society that I'm going to be taking them home and then sneaking out without another word. Oh! I also love San Dimas!

The Commentary!
I am glad that DC Comics has continued to have faith in the success of light-hearted, hilarious books like Batman. I, for one, like to see a crime-fighter with self-control who merely breaks arms, legs, and jaws. A person in authority who does not pin a man to the ground and shoot him in the face because they felt disrespected, or have a huge power trip, or know that no District Attorney is ever going to seriously convict a policeman for murder because they work too closely with the department to get convictions and even the so-called good police officers will close rank if any one of the horrible ones is ever actually brought to justice for murdering somebody (always a black somebody) in cold blood. So it's refreshing to pick up a comical book like Batman and lose myself in the laughter and jokes and misadventures of a caring, empathetic soul!

Last issue, Batman met Gotham and Gotham Girl. Batman refrained from snickering at their names. Although later he had a good laugh telling Alfred about them even if he didn't quite catch what Alfred mumbled about the name Batman as he walked out of the room with the tea tray. This issue begins with Solomon Grundy in town on business. I think he's on a stand-up comedy tour.

"Played the Laugh Factory on Wednesday! Bombed on Thursday! Had therapy on Friday! Beat himself up emotionally on Saturday! Cried all day on Sunday!"

It's nice to begin a comic book with Solomon Grundy already on a rampage because who wants to set up the story surrounding his motivations?! He's just a big dumb zombie comedian! Why waste space on his trials and tribulations when we already know the troubles which comics have to deal with since every other program on Netflix is about comedians? It's best to just begin with Grundy smashing stuff so that the reader can immediately think, "Oh! Bad set, hunh Grundy?"

Gotham and Gotham Girl think the best way to defeat Grundy is to punch him while he's reciting his act. But Batman knows the proper way to stop Grundy is to wait until he's finished and them throw him out of the club.

Wait! Grundy said the whole poem but he forgot about falling in love on Friday!

I bet David Finch was disappointed that Tom King was making Solomon Grundy the enemy. I bet he whined and hedged and tried to convince King to make it the White Rabbit. Or since it's Rebirth, what about a female version of Solomon Grundy who looks hot and sexy and wears almost no clothes?

Batman seems to think sharing the responsibilities of keeping order in Gotham is a good idea. He doesn't tell Gotham and Gotham Girl to beat it any times which is way less times than I thought he would. Instead he lectures Gotham about how he needs to do better and doesn't even bother speaking with Gotham Girl. I bet Bruce Wayne has sex with Gotham Girl later! Or already?

Batman is beginning to feel like the old guy being forced out of a company because he's old and earns too much money and doesn't have any super-powers and did I mention how old he was? He accepts that it's better to have heroes like Gotham and Gotham Girl in Gotham. Mostly because it would be weird if they were in Metropolis. But also because he is just a man. A regular man who shouldn't probably be climbing around on the outside of a plane to save the day. He's best at scaring kids so that they don't go around spraying graffiti on everything. And he's okay at bouncing Solomon Grundy from a club or two. But what if an asteroid full of dinosaurs infected with Cosmic AIDS was crashing down on the city? How would he climb on that to save the day?! The best thing he can do is accept Gotham and Gotham Girl as a new regular feature of the city.

Oh, will he? I think Dick has moved on with his own plans, dude!

Above the Batcave, Bruce Wayne is throwing a gala for the opening of a children's hospital! You know what that means, right? Time to meet Gotham Girl in her civilian garb and bang the stability out of her! Probably while Gotham watches. I meant the city! Because he'll do her on the helipad on top of his company skyscraper! And also Gotham will probably be watching too! The hero!

Meanwhile, a man with PTSD kills himself in Commissioner Gordon's office after saying that the Monster Men are coming. And by PTSD, I mean Post-Therapy of Strange, Doctor. Or something. You get it!

At the gala, Bruce Wayne is rubbing his erection on the thigh of a young woman who thinks they're just dancing when he looks out the window, sees the Bat Signal in the sky, and says, "I have to go! It has nothing to do with that light in the sky! I just have to masturbate now!" Then he rushes off with the young woman saying, "Why do you need to masturbate?! My underpants are currently a swampland!" At least David Finch was given a few panels where he could draw a woman! Or was it a young girl? No, no. I'm pretty sure it was a woman or else Bruce wouldn't have been so sexy to her.

Oh, and remember that part where I said this boock was light-hearted and hilarious and you thought, "Fuck you, you stupid idjit!"? Remember?

Boom! In your stupid face! Hilarity!

Just for a second, let's go back to that Monster Men are Coming bit that I breezed over like I usually breeze over things thinking that everybody is filling the empty spaces of the things I'm not saying with things that I would be saying if I didn't think they were so obvious! Is Tom King going to have a bit of a meta-conversation between his book and the television show, Gotham? Because basically this whole Monster Men thing and Dr. Hugo Strange stuff was the cliffhanger for the last season of Gotham. The other part of the cliffhanger was when was Selina going to poison Alfred for slapping her? So tense!

On the roof of Gotham Central, Commissioner Gordon makes sure Gotham and Gotham Girl feel just how much he dislikes having to work with more freaking heroes. Although he might like how Gotham Girl likes to fly above him while wearing a really short skirt. I wonder if her bum is as cute as Supergirl's?

Batman rushes off to investigate leaving Gordon and the Gothams to awkwardly stand around discussing how Batman isn't there anymore. But he's got their number, apparently, so I'm sure he'll call if he needs somebody who can fly or see through walls or thinking up really boring names for things.

The epilogue proves that Hugo Strange is behind the people doing bad things and then killing themselves. The real surprise is that standing behind Hugo who is behind the bad stuff is Amanda Waller and, presumably, General Lane. And they think they're the ones saving Gotham! So I guess that's the mystery! Who are the monsters?! The Gothams? Grundy and others? Strange? Waller? Batman's sticky penis?

Can I end on that? I can probably end on that, right?

Batman #1

I hope The White Rabbit survived Rebirth!

The Review!
I'm surprised David Finch didn't kill himself while drawing this comic book since it took twenty pages before he was allowed to draw a female. He must have been so bored! Plus Tom King didn't write any double splash pages for him! How is David Finch supposed to earn extra money selling the double splash page original art if Tom King is going to be a dick about his scripts? Bah, what do I care about David Finch not getting to do a double splash page. I'm ecstatic about that! Way to show Finch whose boss, King! Speaking of King, he dunked this issue, if you'll forgive the cop/doughnut metaphor. It was the perfect Batman story! It had Batman in it and he disappeared on Commissioner Gordon and he saved the day and he gave Alfred heart palpitations by almost dying and he made his sidekick do word problems. Plus no Narration Boxes! I might have a serious crush on Tom King. But don't think I'm biased because of it! If this were a terrible issue, I would say so! Usually even if a comic book is really good I'll say it's terrible because I'm a monster. But this one really isn't terrible at all. It's the best Batman #1 since Snyder's Batman #1! It's also only the second Batman #1 I've ever read so that previous sentence might not really mean anything.

The Commentary!
Batman is now being written by Tom King so it's really going to frustrate the people whose favorite part of Batman books are the First Person Narration Boxes. That's my least favorite part of modern comic books! I much prefer the story be told through dialogue and art. But then I'm not afraid of ambiguity! I don't need Batman to tell me why he's doing everything he's doing while he's doing it. Or from a point in the future looking back on what he was doing in the present and explaining it to a mysterious third person. That's my main problem with First Person Narration Boxes. They act as omniscient narrators but are tethered to a person in the story who shouldn't be explaining things as if that person knows an audience is watching them. Although that's really dependent on the writer, I suppose. Some writers use Narration Boxes as thought bubbles which work fine in that they don't make me wonder, "Why is Roy Harper explaining his own thoughts to himself?" And then some writers use them to have characters explain their thoughts and actions to the audience they somehow know is reading their story which come off as Roy Harper explaining his own thoughts to himself.

Oh! I just had a thought about Narration Boxes and how Tom King doesn't use them. Can you imagine how different Omega Men would have been if we were allowed inside the heads of any of the major characters? It would have wrecked the entire fucking book! That book relied on the reader projecting their ethics and beliefs onto the characters, both the seemingly good ones and the seemingly bad ones. Narration Boxes from the point of view of any of the characters would have nailed down their feelings and motives and left no room for any moral ambiguity. The reader would have known right from the beginning both the selfish and the altruistic intentions of each character which could easily have left the reader not caring about how things ended or which terribly flawed person triumphed.

This issue is called "I am Gotham" because a character is going to be introduced who goes by the name of Gotham. This is clever in the way that somebody is clever but you don't realize how clever it is because nobody takes the time to think about anything. Mostly people see something like this and think, "Got it. A guy is named Gotham. Simple title." But Grandmaster Comic Book Readers who are in love with Tom King think things like, "I appreciate how Tom King is taking the reader right back to the beginning of Snyder's run where Bruce explains what Gotham is. King is taking what Snyder did on a figurative level in making Gotham a major character of the comic book and doing it literally. While Snyder's Batman battled Gotham on a psychological level where he was constantly feeling betrayed and reduced by the city, King is now going to have Batman battle Gotham on a physical level. And yet within those physical confrontations will be the understanding that the battle is inherently figurative too! And all of that will be up to the reader to interpret because King abstains from using the crutch of narration boxes."

I didn't actually think those things! What I really thought was, "Der! Gotham is real person now! Wowzers!" That other stuff was just random bullshit.

The story begins with a plane being shot out of the sky with a rocket launcher stolen from the military. This isn't a job for Batman at all but he rushes off to figure out how to save the day. I would think the way to save the day is to call Superman immediately even if Commissioner Gordon is standing right beside you and now knows you sometimes ask for help.

Well, at least he made the call, even if he had to waste some time getting out of earshot of Gordon before asking for help.

Knowing that Hal and Clark don't always respond immediately because they're sometimes dealing with their own problems that are usually more important than the few hundred people who are certainly about to die in Gotham whenever Batman calls, Batman asks Duke to find a place in Gotham where Batman can jump his Batmobile onto the plane. Or some other stunt of that sort. This is the second job we've seen Duke perform in his role as Batman's sidekick and it's another math problem. Before he had to count to 240. This one is a little more complicated, what with having to figure out timing and speed and angles and trajectories and all that other stuff that I would have assumed the Batcomputer could do better.

Superman and Green Lantern are busy on the toilet or whatever so Batman has to save Gotham himself. That means ejecting out of the Batmobile and onto a crashing plane. Does he have a Bat-Grapple strong enough to save a plane plummeting to the earth?

When is Gotham going to save the day and make Batman feel useless and impotent and short-dicked?

Batman swings about the plane setting up Bat-rockets and Bat-gadgets to take over control of the plane. Then he sits on top of it ready to steer it through the Gotham skyline like Doctor Strangelove playing Grand Theft Auto.

Alfred, this is no time for one of your droll bon mots. Although that was a really good one.

Watching Batman save the day is a dark figure who has just killed the Kobra agent who shot the rocket at the plane. Unless this person killed the Kobra agent and then used the Kobra agent's rocket to shoot down the plane himself. I don't want to make too many assumptions because when you make assumptions, you might wind up being wrong. I mean the "you" literally. I don't mean it as in "you and I and everybody included." I mean you specifically. Me? I can't make all the assumptions I want because I always just deny having made the wrong ones.

Batman is prepared to die steering the plane into the proper angle so that it affords the people on board the best chance of survival. He says his goodbyes to Alfred and Alfred goes along with it like he always does. I don't think it's ever mentioned but Alfred must have serious heart problems, shot nerves, and a billion ulcers, right?

At the last second, two other superheroes arrive to catch the plane so that Batman doesn't have to die. Which is perfect because he gets to live but with his reputation increased all the more! What a true hero! Willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good! I'm fairly certain Bruce was willing to ride the plane to his death mostly just to shove in Clark's face who the most heroic member of the Justice League actually is. That would be a good death.

The heroes who save Batman (but not the people on the plane because they were already fucking saved! They better not get credit for that!) are Gotham and Gotham Girl. They're here to save the city! The issue ends before Batman can tell them that that job is already taken and it's probably going to be weird saving some place like Sacramento or Omaha while named Gotham. But thems the breaks! Those cities need heroes so and Omaha has some of the same letters as Gotham. That should be an easy name change. Although the costume already has a huge "G" on the front, so maybe they can become Green Bay and Green Bay Girl instead.

Twat Lobo #10

The Last Tango Before Sinestro Lost His Butt Cherry.

I thought all of the Twat Lobo/Sinestro crossover hype was going to be about them battling each other to a draw, Stan Lee style. But instead they're going to be the best friends ever. It makes sense because they're basically the same character with just enough shallow bullshit slopped on them for careless readers to think they're different. The ultimate problem with having a villain be the star of a monthly comic book is that villains need story arcs. Heroes can go on and on and on basically being the same person while constantly saving people from the next disaster. But villains need a story where they ultimately succeed or fail and then that's it. It's done. If they succeed in their vile plans, I suppose they can think up a new plan but since modern comics only have one speed, the villain's initial plan will be something like "control the universe" and what's left to plan after that? Squashing rebellions across various systems? Realizing that ultimate control wasn't what they really wanted and that, ultimately, they were just looking for their mother's love and their father's approval?

I understand that Cullen Bunn is trying to make Twat Lobo and Sinestro more like anti-heroes but that's bullshit too. Giving assassins and mercenaries like Twat Lobo and Deathstroke "codes" or "ethics" ultimately betrays what the fans like most about these kinds of characters. They want them to be ruthless killing machines. But they all have to have a Punisher's sense of right and wrong or else comic book companies don't think they're be palatable to a wide audience. People still exist who think the bad guy always needs to be punished.

I think DC Comics is going entirely the wrong way trying to make Twat Lobo and Sinestro cool to a young audience who they think only want sexy people acting bad-ass. I think Lobo works best as a mockery of himself. If the book is humorous and laughs at Lobo's trials and tribulations then it's okay for Lobo to be an inczarnian monster. That will never be Twat Lobo. Twat Lobo is being taken way too seriously. Some people hated that Lobo became a joke character. But those are people this blog isn't for because I'll never understand loving a character just because they represent some kind of super macho bullshit. Maybe DC Comics felt this way too which is why they thought turning Lobo into Twat Lobo was softening the super macho edge. Make him look like he cares about spa treatments and glowing tattoo fashions and he'll resonate more with today's androgynous oriented youth. I'd say it's only my opinion that that isn't the case but I also have Twat Lobo's sales to back up that it's not working. At all.

It's also possible that this version of Lobo could be awesome if only somebody else was writing it.

Somebody seems to like it well enough though because they've been defending it in the comments section of the Blogger version of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea:

I was expecting this to be a meh issue kind of like the others, but I was pleasantly surprised by this one. The bits where he talks about the blackness of space and about madness, both his own and that of the criminal elements that he's a part of, is pretty evocative. I really liked one panel where it depicts Lobo's face giving off a smug sneer as it seemingly blends in with the starry background behind him, almost as if implying that the darkness surrounding the stars and Lobo himself are one and the same.

The comment was from Anonymous but I suspect it's actually Cullen Bunn trying to explain the stuff that he couldn't fit into his 170 Narration Boxes for that issue. I get it, Your Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire! This shit is really deep!

Speaking of Narration Boxes...

I wonder if Cullen Bunn goes to art museums and plasters Post-it notes all over the exhibits?

I'm glad Twat Lobo explained the history of the Indigo Lanterns to me before he started killing them. It's always good to know why I should feel bad for the people Twat Lobo is ruthlessly murdering. His little bits of propaganda--like how he doesn't consider "compassion" an emotion or how these Indigos are just "soldiers" to be battled against--don't work on me because I don't like Twat Lobo anyway. Maybe if my belly were on fire as I gazed longingly at his tight abs and beautiful, tight little nipples, I'd buy whatever he was saying. But since that will never be the case, I should just move on to a panel that doesn't disgust me as much as one full of Narration Boxes.

Ah! That's better. No Narration Boxes! Only the implied future anal rape of Indigo-1 by a guy's bloody stump.

Twat Lobo rescues Indigo-1 by finishing the job of killing this Indigo Lantern who went back to being a killer and stump rapist himself after losing his ring that forces compassion and the inability to say anything other than "nok" onto him. But Twat Lobo didn't save Indigo-1's life so she could keep it. No, he just saved it so he could take it later.

Isn't the opposite of "nok" "Kon"? Who would want to be Superboy? He's terrible.

Maybe "nok" means "gay"? I would expect Twat Lobo to think of himself as the opposite of gay. Remember how he had all that heterosexual sex every issue ago? If Scott Lobdell were writing this comic book, Twat Lobo would be Omnisexual. I'm Nom-nom-nomnisexual which means I cannibalize all of my sexual partners. Not literally! More like emotionally and psychologically, leaving them a useless wreck and ruining their lives. But I'm totally upfront about it! When I meet a potential sexual partner, I always be sure to say, "I'm going to wreck you." And then I do! Utterly and completely!

And before you take the preceding paragraph too seriously, realize it was typed by a person who once looked like this:

I was fucking killing it that day.

Twat Lobo empties his bag of Indigo Lantern hands so Indigo-1 can appreciate, and then add to, his collection. But Indigo-1 is a total hater and wants nothing to do with helping Twat Lobo complete his set.

As Twat Lobo attacks Indigo-1, he Narration Boxes, "I've done my research on these guys. It's all about their rings--get those, and they're powerless." Whoa! He's really serious about his job! That must have taken around two seconds of research to make that ring connection! So that means the Indigo Lanterns are totally not any different than any other Lantern. Sure, some alien lanterns have innate powers due to their alien physiology. But if Twat Lobo cared about that kind of anomaly, he'd realize that the Indigo Lanterns probably have a few of those kinds of members just like any other Lantern Corps.

Indigo-1 commands one of the rings to slide onto Twat Lobo's finger (which is a bit rapey) which will make him a big softy. But he declares--in a Narration Box, of course!--that he's "a lobo" which means he won't fall for that sneaky trick. If this were the Real Deal Lobo, we'd get several issues of him being a giant dreadlocked huggy bear and it would be totally adorable and hilarious. But this comic book doesn't have time for whimsical bullshit! We're trying to be cool here! Everybody calm down and act distant and unaffected! That's better. Now it might not look like we're having any fun but just imagine how cool everybody thinks we are!

Twat Lobo bites off his finger so he doesn't become an Indigo Lantern. And just like that, Indigo-1 decides that she shouldn't try that again. He's got nine more fingers, Indigo-1! And ten toes! And a penis! At least make him bite off his own penis before you give up on this tactic! He's also got a tongue and a butthole. Don't the rings work if they're just shoved inside of a person?!

Indigo-1 teleports away and Twat Lobo's reaction would be laughable if I hadn't spent $2.24 on this comic book!

I thought you did your fucking research! The Indigo Lanterns teleport! It's practically all that they do! Teleport and hug (but not in the sexy kind of hugging the Star Sapphires do! No, the Indigos always pat you on the back as they hug)!

Twat Lobo reports back to Sinestro to point out that he failed to get Indigo-1's ring but the other Indigo Lanterns were too stupid to use their main ability to escape him. That's when Bekka begins to insult Twat Lobo like a good New God should but she is cowed by one glance from Sinestro. Oh, fuck that shit! This is going too far! Bekka is some lovestruck supporting actress now?! Not that I really care about the New Gods. But I figure the characters should be somewhat consistent as opposed to just being in the story in service to the lead characters.

Sinestro and Kadra (the Void Whisper leader who cowed Twat Lobo in the same way Sinestro cowed Bekka (I love the word "cowed." I hope I'm using and/or spelling it correctly!)) continue to negotiate their deal even though that's the kind of thing that should have been finished before Twat Lobo began killing Indigos. Kadra is all, "We should be paid a lot because you can't do it." And Sinestro is all, "Oh, I can do it but I just don't have time right now which is why I'm paying you the amount we already agreed upon and not a penny more, especially seeing as how Twat Lobo failed in his first attempt." And then Kadra is all, "Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut."

Even though Twat Lobo isn't finished with his Indigo job (and the Code says never to leave a job unfinished!), Twat Lobo now goes after the Red Lanterns. That means for the rest of the issue, he'll fail to kill Bleez and Dex-Starr and Atrocitus and Rankorr. Although I guess Cullen Bunn got the okay to kill Rankorr since he's fairly new and doesn't have a lot of fans. Twat Lobo kills Rankorr and then leaves Bleez alive because Twat Lobo suddenly doesn't know how to finish a job. Bleez heads back to Atrocitus to snitch on Twat Lobo. I guess the Red Lanterns are all back to hanging out with Atrocitus. They probably missed Dex-Starr as much as I did.

I probably could have spent more time on the Rankorr and Twat Lobo fight but I think I've done enough moaning about this issue.

Twat Lobo #10 Rating: No change. I almost typed "Sinestro #10 Rating" because isn't this more a Lantern title now? Isn't it really just more of that War of the Lanterns shit but with Twat Lobo doing all of the dirty work? The only reason Twat Lobo is involved with all of this ring crap is because the guy who writes the Twat Lobo book also writes the Sinestro book. That's the least organic link I can think of between these two characters! I could go on and on about how much I dislike the entire concept of this book, beginning with Twat Lobo's very first appearance with his "Sorry. Not Sorry" and "Screw you" directed at all of the old Lobo fans, but instead I'll just leave you with a picture from the front porch of my childhood home.

It's tiny because my mother scanned it and posted it to her Facebook. I think that's sufficient explanation, right?

Convergence: Wonder Woman #2

Aha! Now I finally see why vampires are so romantic!

Last issue ended with good old Etta Candy having the blood sucked out of her neck by Vampire Joker. My half-heartedly educated guess (the guess isn't half-hearted; the education is) is that this will be the only "Vampire Clown" story of the 21st Century. That seems more like something that tried to take hold in the Eighties with It and Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Maybe this century we'll get Werewolf Clowns or Mummy Clowns but I'm truly hoping that vampires are nearing their run of popularity. Somebody get Liches trending! Maybe in Pitch Perfect III, Fat Amy can be killed in a really hilarious moment that makes the audience laugh because, hey look! Amy is fat! Ha ha. Then Pitch Perfect IV's movie posters, when Fat Amy returns from the dead, can read, "The Lich is back!" Although I've never seen a fat lich so I don't know where the writers are going to find the humor in the fourth movie.

Remember the days when every fat character in every movie or television show had to be eating something in every scene they were in? Ha ha! Because they were fat! I've been rewatching Leave It To Beaver lately (I seem to do this every few years because it is awesome) and I've noticed in the first season, Larry Mondello is not really that fat. He's kind of the stocky kid that might become fat or could just as easily lose the fat as he gets older. But they have to have him with an apple or a candy bar in his hand in every scene he's in. I think that's the reason he became so much fatter in later seasons. Plus as a young kid, he probably thought his entire worth to the show was that he was fat, so he had to keep it up. Fucking directors made him fat by insisting that the entirety of his character was that he couldn't not eat. Fat people! Can you believe they actually eat food?! Ha ha! Control yourselves already!

I'm kind of like a fat person except instead of not being able to not eat, I'm not able to not write lots and lots of words! My whole premise for this commentary (mostly shtick just to make the commentary easier) was to just make every sentence one or two words. It would be like the notes of the commentary I was going to write. But I couldn't help writing that caption and then talking about vampires and then repeating myself about the way Hollywood treats fat characters which I've written about before but why not repeat material because I can't think up new shit to write about when I'm on nearly my 2401 DC comic book reviews and 17 Marvel comic book reviews and 1 review of an old Shade the Changing Man comic book. That's a lot of talking out of my ass. I think it might be unsustainable and I've reached Peak Ass Words! The whole system is on the verge of collapse! Which is why I was going to try to conserve some but like the old people in a drought who just can't let the fucking lawn go, I failed.

This issue is called "A Fellow of Infinite Jest" because The Joker is an immortal vampire and he loves to pull pranks. Also it's probably trying to sound literary by tying it to that old English Writer who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could have dinner with anybody living or dead, who would you choose?" Last issue Larry Hama made his story more literary by tying it to that blind poet who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could blow anybody living or dead, who would you choose?"

Idiot! You missed the obvious candy joke!

The Joker spends the next three pages not being funny at all. I guess he's making himself laugh though. And what's more important than making oneself laugh? It's all I spend time doing when I'm not eating or standing around with food in my hand or stalking publishers or talking to fish. Have you ever tried to tell a knock knock joke to a fish? They just don't get the premise at all!

Wonder Woman tells The Joker that he isn't funny and then breaks his neck. She's a harsher critic than I am. Then instead of finishing him off which would probably only take another second, she rushes off to save Steve Trevor. Ugh. He's such a princess.

Meanwhile Steve is busy shooting female vampires in the face and calling them sluts. He's such an old school romantic. His ministrations of love attract Poison Ivy and Were-Catwoman who begin trying to sell Steve on their succulent womanly treats. But this Steve Trevor is a man of the eighties! He's a one woman man who doesn't count his secretary and paid escorts as cheating. Also he's probably a bit nervous about having sex with vampires because they're constantly coming into contact with blood and Steve has been hearing an awful lot lately about this thing called AIDS.

Good thing Wonder Woman comes to the rescue!

Holy Cat Boobs, Batman!

Wonder Woman doesn't kill Poison Ivy or Catwoman immediately so they believe she's weak because she won't kill. Wonder Woman seems to confirm that she was trying not to kill them by saying, "That's it, then. No more holding back." But didn't she threaten to end The Joker the way the Batman couldn't? Was Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman also known for not killing, not even monsters like she probably encountered her whole life on Paradise Island? There were monsters there, right? If it has ties to Ancient Greece, it has monsters!

But now that the vampires have taunted her and have explained that they don't fear death, Wonder Woman decides it's okay to kill them all. I didn't realize it was okay to kill somebody who doesn't fear death! I have a new question to ask when interviewing prospective employees for my new business venture, Don't Worry This Is A Real Job And Not A Front For My Human Hunting Hobby, LLC.

You can't even not shit yourself, Steve! Stop acting so macho and ask for help!

Meanwhile The Joker and Etta have a good laugh about The Joker's broken neck. Good times.

Steve Trevor takes care of himself so well that he once again falls into the clutches of Poison Ivy and Catwoman. They bring him to The Joker who gives them permission to eat him. Wonder Woman might have a chance to save him but she's busy crying over spilt vampire everything. But she hallucinates Athena who tells her it was okay to murder these monsters in the same way I hallucinate my grandmother whenever I need to convince myself that I'm not going to hell for masturbating. That never actually helps.

Wonder Woman, having come to terms with killing, destroys Poison Ivy and Catwoman. But not soon enough. Steve Trevor has been turned and now she must destroy him as well to get to The Joker. She'll also have to kill Etta Candy but I have a feeling she'll relish that.

But first the earthquake needs to happen which opens up a chasm between Wonder Woman and her foes. The Joker commands them to jump across and kill her but Steve breaks from his thrall and tackles Etta into the pit while yelling back at Wonder Woman, "I regret nothing! Except maybe that time I told you I could fend for myself!"

Wonder Woman can't save him because she has to battle The Joker now. She knocks him in the pit but he comes back and then she stakes him and then she wins! She also has some thoughts during the battle.

No, they just forget the story because it makes no sense. What was hope doing in a box full of the world's evils? Did the person putting the package together decide that hope was no longer needed when the world had no evil to deal with? And did hope come out of the box or did Pandora shut the box with hope still left in it? And in that version of the story, is that a bad thing? Did hope not get restored to the world or did man retain hope? Why didn't somebody put a fucking lock on the box if they didn't want some curious asshole coming by and letting everything out? It's a dumb story and I'm going to go back to forgetting it right now.

To end the story, Wonder Woman quotes the Duke of Wellington for some reason. I guess Larry Hama loves to quote shit. Just look at his stupid titles for this Convergence thing!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #2 Rating: 7.5 Perky Were-Cat Boobs out of 10. If you hate when comic book companies kill characters, then you should probably subtract five points from my rating because this story is really just about killing Etta Candy and Steve Trevor. I guess Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman isn't allowed to have any friends or lovers anymore. Get with the Modern Age, Diana! You have to be lonely and unfulfilled! Every hero must now be Batman because look at how many comic books he sells. Being completely consumed by your superhero identity and crime fighting lifestyle sells books, kids! Unless it's some other reason why people like Batman. Like the cape.

Divergence: Secret Six
"Six outcasts (or seven, if you count the murderous puppet) are thrown together and forced to carry out deadly missions by an anonymous force that hates their guts. They'll have to learn how to become a team pretty quickly, as survival is not guaranteed!"

The anonymous force is Mockingbird! The murderous puppet counts! Survival is, I'm pretty sure, guaranteed for a good majority of them!

I forgot this comic book even existed! I hope this issue reminds me of the characters and what was going on so I'll be up-to-date for when Issue #3 comes out in six months!

This story is about a museum security guard who gets caught up in a heist and a mass murder and the international ethics of stolen antiquities. The Secret Six have been called in to help protect The Eternity Gem while some other group has been hired to steal it. The other group fails. The end!

The Sneak Peek showcases Catman and Big Shot and Black Alice and Strix's battle techniques. It also highlights Ferdie's power of turning everything into a euphemism for sex and his tiny wooden wiener. Porcelain just wears a pink jacket and half a mask and hits a guy in the head with a hammer in one panel. This story was mostly just a reminder to everybody that this comic book hasn't been canceled!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1

Every time I simply glanced at this cover, I thought, "Why is Swamp Thing suddenly in this book?"

DC Comics is not making it very easy to follow this Doomed story! At the end of the last issue of Doomed (Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10), the "next issue" blurb told me to read Action Comics Annual #3. But then the annuals came out alongside the newest issue of Action Comics which claims it's Chapter 1 of Last Sun. The cover of Superman Loves Wonder Woman proclaims it's Chapter 3 of Superdoom which means I should read it before Action Comics Annual #3 which proclaims it's Chapter 4 of Superdoom. But then when I open up Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1, it says that it's Chapter 3 of Last Sun! That forces me to open up Action Comics Annual #3 to make sure it's not actually Chapter 2 of Last Sun which would mean the covers are wrong and I should begin by reading Action Comics #34! But it states it's Chapter 4 of Last Sun inside which doesn't actually make anything perfectly clear but leads me to believe that whoever did the layout on the inside title pages of the Annuals fucked it up. So I'm going to ignore what Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10 told me, and I'm going to ignore the title pages inside the annuals, and I'm going to trust that the covers are telling me the correct order in which to read Doomed! It's a good thing these Annuals didn't have Selfie or 75 Years of Batman variants or I'd be completely lost!

I still might actually be completely lost. I won't know for sure until I begin reading.

This issue begins with another article by Lois "Bride of Brainiac" Lane printed in the Daily Planet. I'm not sure who is still printing issues of The Daily Planet when everybody in Metropolis is in a coma, but who am I, really, to ask such questions? It's the populace of America that should be asking questions. Questions like "How is this Lois Lane the only person not in a coma?" and "How is this Lois Lane printing newspapers all by herself?" and "Why do people read this woman's articles when she has such a tenuous hold on the English language?" and "What's The Daily Planet? Is that basically the main paper for some city in which I don't live so would never read unless it was to prove that I was some highfalutin intellectual type that wished that I lived in New York City?" Another question people should be asking is, "Will breathing this much Kryptonite give me cancer?" Also this question: "Shouldn't we help Superman? He's done so much to save us and our world and now we're just going to turn on him and hang him out to dry when he's obviously sick and suffering?" But, again, who am I to raise such questions? I'm just a caveman!

Dammit! I let my secret slip! Forget you read that last part. If only I understood these newfangled typing machines well enough to remove things that I've written that I don't want people to read!

See? I wasn't hallucinating this time!

The issue begins with Cyborg Superman insulting Superman because he's come down with a disease. Does nobody care that Superman is sick and that he didn't choose this? I don't expect Cyborg Superman to help him, and I realize he's Superman's enemy, but it still feels a bit unnecessary when he tells Superman that it's a good thing the people of Krypton are dead so they are "spared the shame" of seeing what's become of Superman. It's not like he's ravaged by space syphilis due to visiting every backwater brothel in the universe. Even then he'd still be suffering from a disease but, you know, one maybe he could have tried a bit harder to prevent. And he might be a space sex addict to boot, so calling him a disgrace is still counter productive! Somebody help this poor man!

Superman answers Cyborg Superman's insults by pulling his arm off. Now who's the disgrace, One-Arm?! Just imagine what your robotic ancestors would shamefully think having to look at your imperfect body! So shameful! What an embarrassment!

While the two, um, Kryptonians? bicker over? under? Mars, Cyborg Superman's fleet of tiny? Brainiac ships begin their invasion of Earth. Too bad Superman is the only hero that could possibly stop it!

But wait! I forgot about heroic Lana Lang, the greatest electrical engineer on the planet! She's taken courses that enabled her to read brain waves and she's studied the invasion tactics of alien species by use of radio communications! She's the only hero not infected by Doomsday left that can stop the attack!

Superman doesn't trust the rest of Earth's heroes to save the day either, so he heads back to Earth to stop Brainiac's fleet. He must be delirious. He knows Batman is still on Earth, right? And everybody knows that Batman always saves the day, right? Ergo, Superman is tripping his balls off from Doomsday Fever. And he gets even worse once he flies directly into the Kryptonite soaked atmosphere. Poor guy.

I once had a fever so intense when I was four or five that I had a psychic dream about events concerning the next day. Okay, I had one fever dream about an outline of a minotaur chasing me around a labyrinth and when I slew him with a sword, he unraveled into a puddle-like outline. The next day, I vomited all over my grandparents' porch and the vomit puddle was in the exact shape of the minotaur from the dream the night before. Also, we went to Happy Hollow the next day (yes, with me horribly sick and possibly Patient Zero for the impending zombie apocalypse) where they had a labyrinth that I couldn't go into but had to watch my cousins play in while I sat on a bench feeling miserable.

I bet you wish you still wore that gun strapped to your hip, hunh, Green Lantern?

At least Superman was right that some of Earth's heroes would be useless. Like Hawkman, which is totally obvious (totes obvious if you're annoying), and Simon Baz, which is less obvious being that he's a Green Lantern but not so less obvious and more sort of quite obvious when you realize the Green Lantern rings suck ass so far in The New 52. They barely have any effect on anything anymore!

Since Superman and Wonder Woman are the only heroes whose names are on the cover of this comic book, they're the only ones that will be worth a damn in the current fight. But Batman is working behind the scenes to remove the Kryptonite from the air! How about if he just points out that Earth didn't have enough Kryptonite for a Kryptonite bomb that would pollute the entire atmosphere in the first place? Will that work? Can he just call "Continuity Foul" and save the day?

I'm going to qualify this as an official psychic premonition by Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! As opposed to simply an association between Charles Soule and Swamp Thing and my lack of observational skills.

The Red Lanterns also make an appearance. But She-Hulk doesn't, for some reason. Sexist!

Apparently a bow and arrow is more effective than a Green Lantern ring. Also, the Gobi Desert is where the Galactic Hero Corps were defeated. Also, Bleez's ass.

In space, hiding behind the moon, Cyborg Superman begins building a Halo. Or a Stargate. Possibly a Space Rectum. But whatever he's building, Steel doesn't think it should be finished. Especially if it's a Space Rectum. So he exits the ship to battle Cyborg Superman. I forget. Did he teach Lana Lang how to land this thing if he's killed?

Back on Earth, Superman is losing the battle against Doomsday. So Wonder Woman arrives to help her boyfriend.

Looks like Ed Benes is taking his turn at the art. I don't actually know if the above panel was by Ed Benes but I see a couple of things in it that arouse my suspicion.

Back behind the moon, Steel gets his ass handed to him even if the artist fucked everything up. But Lana saves his ass only to get her ship's ass shot up by heat vision. And having a shot up ship in a vacuum is probably one of those very bad things unbearable people often talk about. But in all the tragedy, Cyborg delivers some good news!

Condor is down! Repeat, Condor is down! I hope his wounds are mortal! Oh please let his wounds be mortal!

Meanwhile in Action Comics Annual #3, Batman saves the day by removing the Kryptonite from the atmosphere! I can't wait to read how he saves the day! I bet he builds a gigantic Bat-vacuum powered by the grief of losing ones parents at an early age! He probably recruits a bunch of orphans to ride stationary bicycles which channel their grief. And he'll probably name them Robin #4 through Robin #363!

Superman regains control of himself (for now!) and Brainiac's fleet begins to self-destruct because the heroes were just too damn heroic. But the celebrating is fleeting since Cyborg Superman finishes his Space Rectum and out comes The Collector of Worlds! I think. It's Brainiac, right? I don't know. Maybe it's a Space Tape Worm.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1 Rating: This annual returned to DC's fine tradition of making annuals essential reading! At least it's essential if you're reading the Doomed story arc. If the other story arc is simply about Batman sucking Kryptonite out of the atmosphere, then that one won't be essential at all! It was only one panel in this comic book and that seemed to work out just fine. I don't need to know the details about how Batman saved the day. It was obvious that he was going to save the day! What else does Batman do with days? Not save them? Come on!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #9

I think these Kryptonians need some serious therapy.

I know how to stop Superdoomsdayman and save the day! As long as Deadman isn't busy with his own life and he doesn't mind remaining in this body for the rest of eternity. It's not like he'd be any worse off than The Thing over in Marvel. Like Thing, he just needs to find a blind girl with an inability to feel tactile sensations and he can live happily ever after in this bony, jacked-up body. But what about Clark's personality, you ask? Well fuck. I'm sure Constantine can transfer it into the body of a dolphin or something. This is a comic book! Am I seriously supposed to believe none of the magic users in the DC Universe can stop this shit? What use are they?!

I suppose since the magic characters aren't allowed in certain story lines because they'd fix the problem too quickly, I'll just have to see how Superman, Wonder Woman, and Supergirl punch this problem into submission.

This issue begins with The Daily Planet printing government propaganda and slapping Lois's name on it to make it seem trustworthy.

I'm reading this on the correct date!

As you can read, all nations gave the United States of America the go ahead to drop a bomb on Superman because he was being a total dick. Nobody should worry about the side-effects of the bomb though! Only the entire atmosphere has been adulterated with a cancer causing substance. Way to go, North Korea! You're against everything the American government does but you couldn't go against them on this stupid decision?! Actually, you know they were against it which is one of the many reasons this article is such obvious propaganda to ensure the populace that there is no way in hell they are suing anybody later in life when they're all coming down with K-Cancer.

Also, Superdoom is a fucking stupid name. Stop robbing him of his "humanity" just to sensationalize the story! You don't tack on "cancer" to the name of your loved ones when they get cancer! "Hey, Jimcancer! Are you still dying? How about I fill the room with a gigantic green fart? Feel better now?"

Yes but it doesn't all die at the hands of Doomsday, you arrogant prick.

Death is easy, Doomsday. Anybody can be the hands of death. And, as you said, everything dies. So what are you actually accomplishing? Nothing, you stupid fuck. At most you're a gentle breeze fanning the flames of a forest fire that is already going to wipe out everything whether you blew by or not. You're a narcissistic piece of shit and Lois Lane shouldn't be giving you any coverage at all. This lead should be buried and your name forgotten. Nobody cares about you and your death-dealing antics. You're a piece of shit that should just take his own life quietly and alone, the way people used to take their own lives long before they realized they could at least make the national news circuit on their way out of the mortal realm. Anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter. Superman is going to kick your ass before you can kill anybody else. Because unlike Batman who refuses to kill but still only saves the day after innocent people die, Superman can save everybody before they die! Unless they're his parents. And all of those other people that blame Superman for their deaths simply because he didn't stop death completely. But he can stop Doomsday!

I think.

Wonder Woman has followed Superman into the jungles of Brazil where he's destroying more rain forest in a few minutes than the locals have destroyed in decades. She has asked her sister Hessia for help finding a cure for Superman.

She's also developed a lazy eye. Superman hit her harder than I realized.

I would have gathered up Zatanna and John Constantine, personally. But I guess an exiled Amazonian healer might be able to come up with some solutions.

For a healer, Hessia has some seriously tricked out armor to protect her when gathering medicinal herbs. And since the belt clasp is two Ws on top of each other, she'll probably hand this armor off to Diana when Hessia is through with it. And by "through with it," I mean dead.

Forget triage. I think Hessia was actually a veterinarian. "This animal is really sick and it's trying to bite me when I examine it. It should be euthanized."

To prove Superman is more dangerous than Diana thinks, Hessia reveals to Superman that she was the one that sent the pictures of Clark and Diana fucking to Clarkcatropolis.com. She did it because Superman wanted to keep the relationship secret and her BFF Wonder Woman didn't want that at all. So she decided to butt her Amazonian ass into their relationship instead of letting them decide together. Just as she predicted, this pisses Clark off just a little bit and he allows his Doomsday side to punch her up a bit.

To keep Hessia from getting killed, Wonder Woman hogties Superman and flies him up above the Kryptonite cloud so he regains his rationality.

Deep into the heart of the sun! Or Ysmault!

After Wonder Woman heads back to Earth to catch her breath and put on a heavy cardigan, the Red Lanterns show up to beat the shit out of Superman. They're the guardians of Sector 2814 so it's their responsibility to put him down! You can't let some other yokel take him behind the shed and shoot him. You have to deal with this shit yourself or you'll wind up blubbering about it for the rest of the movie and annoying everybody with your moaning. Although Superman isn't really Guy Gardner's problem. But he kind of is Supergirl's problem since some people think family is important for some reason. I think family is just a bunch of people society tries to guilt you into liking.

The only thing the Red Lanterns accomplish is forcing Doomsday back to the surface. That probably means Clark is going to change his mind about that sabbatical in the sun. Also, Superman manages to toss the Red Lanterns down to Antarctica. Or the Arctic. Oh, who cares? DC Comics treats them like the same place.

Maybe the Reds can take him back to Ysmault and dunk him in the Blood Ocean! That usually solves their rage problems.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you want to compare apples and oranges, take this issue of Doomed and compare it to Lobdell's issue of Doomed in Superman #31. Technically, since they're both comic books, that shouldn't be described as comparing apples and oranges. But apples and oranges have more in common than that thrown together piece of shit and this fabulously well-written piece of fiction.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #8

Last issue was "Chapter 1: [Infected]". This issue is "[Infected]: Chapter 2". The only consistency at DC Comics is their lack of consistency.

This issue begins with another article by Lois Lane! Let's hope somebody proofread this one.

As far as I can tell (and I'm no editor because I'm not an unimaginative asshole), Lois avoided any errors in this article. But it was still shit. This just doesn't seem to be up to the standards of an award winning journalist like Lois. I think she may have given this one to an intern to write and just slapped her name on it. It's possible! The photos were credited to Jimmy Olsen and he wasn't anywhere near Smallville during this event. I think the Daily Planet is sketchy.

Since the Fortress of Solitude wouldn't let him in, Superman decided to crash at Clark's place. Wonder Woman finds him sitting in the dark with a horrible attitude. He's also sprouted a few unsightly bony growths.

I hope he didn't eat Jimmy Olsen. That shit needs to happen on-panel!

Meanwhile, Clarkcatropolis.com suddenly has an office full of employees. Seriously? A shitty little news blog with nothing to interest anybody except one fucking picture of Superman kissing Wonder Woman suddenly has money rolling in? How?! I can understand if they'd accepted GBN Owner Whatshisname's offer of millions of cash bills, but they didn't! They turned that shit down! And the only reason he wanted to buy the place was to shut them up. This is the most unbelievable thing I've read in a comic book so far! If it is believable then I need to figure out what the fuck I'm doing wrong. I've been at this for two and a half years and I haven't seen shit roll in! Where are my offices full of employees doing all the writing for me?! Oh wait! I do know what I'm doing wrong! It's my entire set up! This post shouldn't be called "Superman Loves Wonder Woman #8"! It should be called, "You're heart will fall out of your asshole when you see what happens at the end of these words!" And then I should just make a fucking list. "Five Sex Rituals Wonder Woman Undertakes To Survive Coitus With A Kryptonian!" Fucking average people are shit. You people! You reading this right now? You are the best! You're also a bunch of cheap bastards! You could at least message me and say, "Hey, I could lift my grandma's wedding ring and hock it if you need a little cash to help pay for comic books." But do you? DO YOU?

Cat Grant is such a dumb asshole she can't even tell when she's busy. Here's a hint, Cat: No, you are not. You run a shitty website that nobody would have ever heard about if some mystery person hadn't sent you a picture of Clark fucking Diana. Look at her. I don't think she even knows what she's holding. "Is this my lunch, Beth? Do I eat this?"

Wow. Writing that previous caption was like an epiphany! I'd forgotten how much I loved being angry at comic books! What happened to me? When did I get so nice? I think DC must be drugging my comic book subscriptions. I bet I've been dosed with ecstasy for the last six months! Fuck you, DC! I'm hiring a lawyer! And I've got a good one here in Portland! His commercials show his law office is the Legion of Doom's headquarters rising out of the swamp! At least I think it is. The X might be clouding my judgment.

Beth, the overpaid office assistant of Cat Grant, tells Cat that Clark's girlfriend is in the lobby waiting to see Cat. Cat looks...FOURTEEN! I just counted fourteen Goddamned employees in the offices of Clarkcatropolis.com! How the fuck can they afford this shit?! Clarkcatropolis.com has got to be a porn hub.

I thought "Clark's Girlfriend" was going to be Lana Lang just trying to get a meeting but it turns out to be even fucking stupider than that.

Of course, Cat is a complete moron. So I guess the headband that looks like a tiara is a decent enough disguise.

I guess I'm just a little bit confused about Wonder Woman and her secret identity. She never cared about having one when she was with Steve Trevor and didn't even consider one until she began dating Clark. He advised a pair of glasses. I guess Diana decided that was just stupid. I know Diana was already introduced to Clark's Daily Planet friends as his girlfriend but I thought that just meant everybody knew Clark was with Wonder Woman! Are comic book characters blind? Or are they just dumb? I think I already asked all of these questions back in that issue of Superman that was written really poorly!

Anyway, Clark blew up at Cat earlier because she's such an idiot. And then he stormed off wishing they'd taken the deal for thirteen million dollars in small bills. And that's when he went off to hide out in his apartment and turn into Doomsday. And that's just where Wonder Woman found him at the beginning of this comic book and where we're going to go back to now!

Clark is currently feeling a bit unloved.

Just before Diana confronts Clark in his apartment, Diana meets up with Lois Lane and a bunch of soldiers! It's the first time we get a glimpse at some of Diana's God of War powers as she manipulates the military men using telepathy. She also finds out that Lois Lane has a red eye glowing secret of some kind! The best part is that Lois mentions how Clark called her the previous night and mentioned something about the possibility of sticking his winky-doo in her hippy-ho. Diana doesn't get jealous because she knows she has the greatest hippy-ho on Earth but the news does cause her to worry about Clark. He really is acting like a fool ever since he killed Doomsday.

After talking with Lois, Wonder Woman meets up to have a chat with Batman. Batman did the old Batcomputer Analyzes Shit and Does Batman's Detective Work For Him Bit and figured out that Superman is becoming Doomsday. But he also determined that the shit at work in Clark's system can be resisted. Batman points out that it's too bad he hadn't been infected because he'd resist that shit in a heartbeat. But if there's anybody else on Earth that can resist it, it's probably Clark.

I think the X is really starting to kick in again because I'm beginning to think of a lot of great things to say about this comic book.

Diana convinces Clark to stop being a jerk and he reverts back to human form. For now! Next in Superman, we'll probably get a great conclusion to Doomed (if it ends next issue. I have no idea!) because it'll be handled by some writer named Scott Lobdell. Oh boy, I hope he's great since they left him for last! I can't wait!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #8 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wouldn't mind if Charles Soule wrote all of the comic books. The best review I can give Soule is that I would never use the word "contrived" when describing what he's doing. Even though all writing is inherently contrived on some level, Soule never makes it feel like he's pulling any shit out of a magic plot bag. The characters drive the scenes. And he seems to know just which scenes need to go in the story and which ones to leave out (sometimes! I think last issue he might have been a little overworked with all of his books and lawyerings because it was a bit light on the good stuff). He's a fucking natural at this shit.