Convergence #0

Time for some repressed memories, Superman!

I have a confession to make: I'm not a very good comic book fan. I read how angry and disappointed fans have been of DC Comics and their New 52 and I realize that I don't share their passion for these characters. I can point out how horribly a character is currently being written and can generally point out where the writer has failed, but I definitely don't have the passion to declare that the character is forever ruined and that only one specific writer can ever do justice to that character. Perhaps it's just my age. I've been around since Crisis on Infinite Earths so I know how these things work. People fall in love with the first version of the character they read. And then things inevitably change because writers change and editors have stupid ideas but mostly just because comic books aren't about telling stories about characters whose lives will finally culminate in an ending that gives justice to their origin and their middle adventures. Comic books are about characters in stasis. They, generally, have a solid beginning and then that's about it for them. The rest of their stories are based on and around that origin. Batman continues to do what he does because he saw his parents murdered in an alley. Peter Parker does what he does because he failed his Uncle Ben. Superman does what is right because his parents were overly nice farmers without a hateful bone in their bodies.

Man, just think if Ma and Pa Kent had been racist! Sorry, I'm digressing! Back to the point!

The main reason I can't be completely passionate about comic books and their characters is because they are not living any kind of typical arc you find in literature. Their story will never have an ending. There will be no lesson learned, no happily ever after, no return home after a lengthy journey. It is all simply journey and journey and more journey. And because of this lack of ending, their middle parts (which is everything in comic books) can only play off of where they've been with just a hint of a shadow of where their current (and current (and current)) actions may eventually lead them. Nothing is ever going to be wrapped up in a nice little bow so every character will eventually disappoint their fans. Maybe it will be because the writer doesn't understand the character's basic motivations that have been in existence for over fifty years. Perhaps the problem will be that the writer has just simply come up with an idea that doesn't quite work. Although a lot of the time, a writer just sucks fucking balls. Sometimes a company needs to find a way to modernize their heroes. Or they pull something like The New 52. It's all pretty much the same thing. Comic book characters stay the same age but times change around them. Finding a way to keep them relevant while staying loyal to their roots is something with which comic book companies must continuously struggle. And no matter what they do, a passionate fan base is going to be angry with them.

I'm not a good fan because I, apparently, look forward to the big changes instead of being angry that my familiar world has been rent asunder (with the exception of making Amanda Waller a deadly fighter and skinny. Fuck that shit, assholes!). I first really got into comic books when I heard about Crisis on Infinite Earths. Big changes and exciting times. I then eventually left comics for about eight years before returning for The New 52. Taking a chance like this was an exciting idea. And, of course, it was a gimmick. But the only people still complaining about comic book gimmicks are probably people new to the fandom. Gimmicks are a staple. Death and resurrection is a staple. New writers and artists and attempted (often aborted) retcons to add excitement to old characters is a staple. Change is a fucking staple of this industry. If you can't handle constant change, you should probably not be a comic book fan (or a Star Wars fan!). You should probably read Lord of the Rings because that isn't changing at all. Although I guess those fans have had quite a time bitching about the movies, amirite?!

And now Convergence. Whatever the hell this is, I know one thing about it! It's change in a big way. Maybe. Oh, how the fuck should I know? I don't read solicits or interviews so the only thing I really know about this series is that DC is moving to the West Coast (change!) and so they needed time to recover and to slap a new face on The New 52 (change!). And it all starts here with Superman and Brainiac and a shared moment in a black hole a few months back.

Technically, Brainiac, "universe" and "timeline" are synonyms for the same thing. And when I said "Brainiac" I wasn't calling him by name. That was an insult!

Brainiac lets Superman know that this has all been a test. Vril Dox (who was just an extension of this Brainiac) wanted to "break Superman's famous resolve" by getting Superman to kill him. It apparently worked although Superman is shocked to hear that he killed somebody. I mean, sure, he killed Doomsday just before Vril Dox came to Earth but does that really count? And even if Superman did kill Vril Dox, didn't Brainiac just point out that every Brainiac is just an extension of Outside of Time and Space Brainiac? So nobody was really killed by Superman at all, right?

Obviously I mean besides Doomsday.

Judging by Superman's sudden five o'clock shadow and that he's now chained to a huge machine, I take it Superman passed out from the shock of hearing he killed somebody. Brainiac continues to explain his reasons for luring Superman into his black hole. He's simply a huge fan, and a bit of a stalker, and pretty decent voyeur. He has watched every Superman in every timeline across the vast, infinite multiverse and he's reached a conclusion: Superman loves to sacrifice himself for other people. But he never seems to do it when Brainiac is the antagonist. So I think Brainiac is a little bit butthurt. But he's going to change that this time! Or all times? Or this no time?

Brainiac leaves Superman chained up while he goes to pay Superman's universe a visit (or all of Superman's universes. Convergence!). But Superman, being, you know, super, escapes! Although he doesn't have any clue where he might be. He did fly into a black hole recently.

Ugh, Superman! You didn't see that water before because it's that stranger's urine!

Superman catches up to the mysterious figure. It turns out to be...surprise!...Brainiac! It's the green one with the ineffectual hairnet on top of his bald head. The one with the speedo and the knee-high white Go-Go boots and the riveted belt and the pink shirt with the preppy collar? He's shocked to discover that Superman escaped his master and says, "In every timeline, it always ends with you." Instead of Superman saying "What does that mean?! What are you talking about?! Give me some answers!", he says, "He was heading for my city, my Earth. I need you to take me there." He doesn't even punch him in the face or break any of his bones. Has he learned nothing from Batman?

Since Dan Jurgens is co-writing this story, I wonder if there will be a nuclear threat by a communistic state?

Superman points out that he'd like to go back to Metropolis. That's when Brainiac turns into full robot body Brainiac. You know the one! The one with the Power Action Computer Kick! Robot Brainiac is all, "Metropolis? You want a Metropolis? I got a ton of Metropolises! Pick a Metropolis! Any Metropolis!" And Superman is all, "Do you have the one from Superman XXX? I want to go to that one please."

Next, Superman meets this Brainiac that I don't remember so I'm not going to describe him to you:

Well, he beat him up and helped trick him into a uSphere, I think. Or he stopped him during that trouble with Vyndktvx.

Finally Superman remembers the lessons he learned from Batman and he punches Brainiac in the jaw. That should change Brainiac's attitude!

Actually, Brainiac doesn't even notice. I guess it's like when I punch my computer for being too slow. It just keeps right on being slow and may even get slower due to the damage from the punch. But it doesn't know I've punched it at all! Stop making me feel so impotent, computer!

Brainiac sticks his finger in Superman's USB port and downloads some information. Damn. That sentence just made me horny.

Brainiac points out that this planet had all the right conditions to become Mega-Brainiac's trophy rack. It just needed a few alterations, a paint job, and a new spot along a different wall.

Does it really explain his parlor tricks, Superman? Really?

Brainiac decides to show Superman all of the cities he cares for and Superman gets upset for some reason. He screams, "You're running a zoo!", and then punches Brainiac. Why did that deserve a punch? He's running a conservationist zoo! He already explained that these were cities on the brink of destruction saved by Mega-Brainiac! Superman would rather all of these people died? I don't know why I asked that. Of course he would! Live free or die, right Superman!?

There it is.

I've never been so proud of Superman than at this moment! He's never embodied "The American Way" better! "Do it my way or I'll destroy you!" So proud!

Conveniently, Superman is sent packing by Brainiac in a way that will erase his memory of this place. But only for a certain amount of time! When Planet Brainiac wants him to remember, he will. And then he can come back and have lots and lots of Convergent Adventures with his new friends, The Brainiacs.

After Superman is gone, The Brainiacs merge into Futures End Symbol Brainiac with Penis Forearms. He declares that one of his Master's experiments was a failure (The New 52 Earth-Main-Earth? Or maybe just Earth-2?) and, as such, he needs to fix things. So he's going to make all of the cities fight for their survival. For some reason. Look, I don't think it's totally clear why this Brainiac has suddenly decided that some of the cities in his collection need to be set free. I guess Superman convinced him with his strong logic and stronger punches? Anyway, it's time for DC Multiverse Thunderdome! Two universes enter; one universe leaves!

Next time on Convergence: More stuff happens which I won't be ranking in any appreciable form! I'm just going to point out stuff that I find funny and write enough of a synopsis of each issue so that I can reread it from week to week to remember what's happening before I read the new issues. And I'll probably totally ignore the art.

The end of the issue has a listing of 41 different DC Comic books whose worlds will appear in Convergence. My quick pick for favorite world appearing in Convergence is New York City, Angor, with The Extremists. I'm also interested in WildC.A.T.s but only if it's drawn the way Jim Lee drew it back then. So awful.

Thoughts From My Reviewer Pants: The story being set up is pretty much what I thought it was going to be and begins exactly where I started to wonder what was going on with all of the Pre-Flashpoint images appearing in Doomed. At the time, I surmised that there was a greater Brainiac that didn't just collect worlds but universes. And that's pretty much what's been set up here. Using Superman's experience while he was away in the black hole to set it up fits nicely with the little bit of story that has been established so far. As for the motivation of Planet Brainiac? I reread the ending and I'm unclear as to why he's making the cities fight now. Maybe because his Master hasn't returned and the ultimate plan was to see which cities were "worthy"? Or maybe Superman convinced him that the ones that deserve it should be set free? In the end, I don't really care about the motivation because MULTIVERSE THUNDERDOME BITCHES!

Futures End #25

DC should include a pull-out poster that unfolds into the long, pink Preboot background that's been stretching across the cover since Issue #23.

I recently posted a quote from Generation X by Douglas Coupland about how depressing it is when a friend buys a house because they lose something of their personality to their investment of such a profoundly expensive and long-term commitment. That may be true but I find it depressing in another way. When I recently returned from visiting my friend Doom Bunny in Denver (where I stayed with his family in their house), I told the Non-Certified Spouse, "Remind me how depressed I feel now the next time I act excited to go visit Doom Bunny in a year or two." Because I'd forgotten how depressed the trip made me the time previous until a few days into the visit when I began to feel awkward and hopeless. You see, the depression doesn't stem from the points Douglas Coupland made. I don't really see any substantial changes in my friend Doom Bunny now that he has a family and is married and owns a home. No, he was always meant for that because he fit in long before marriage or kids or home ownership. Society has always worked for him. What depresses me is that I can't find that place of comfort and ease and fitting in. Being there simply reminded me that I do not belong in the culture I was born into. I cannot find security and happiness without making some serious trade offs to who I am. Hell, I don't even know if I could attempt to make those trade offs. It takes something that I don't have within me. And it isn't that I don't want to be a cog in the machine. I would love to be a happy little peaceful cog in the machine! It's that my cog simply wasn't made for this machine. And there is no starker reminder that I don't fit in then spending time with somebody who wholeheartedly does (or, at least, seems to).

I wrote something many years ago about how I know the secret to being happy. But knowing the secret and knowing that you are unable to execute that secret is far more depressing than not knowing at all. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. I would love to fit, and to do what needs to be done without any qualms, to be able to make friends as an adult, to be able to interact with human beings, to take a job and put my head down and collect my benefits and feel secure and, well, to feel...complacent. I've lived forty years on this stinking planet and I have no idea how they all do it. So I guess I'll just keep on bumbling about the labyrinth, trying not to give too many fucks about it, and hiding myself in comic book worlds.

Ugh. I just want to delete the previous two paragraphs. But then I'd have to think up something else to write! Laziness trumps whatever that other emotion I am feeling is!

Currently, the New Stormwatch's old ship, the Carrier, is being overrun with Baby Brainiacs.

What the fuck, Black Adam? You use magic! Stop being so judgmental and/or hypocritical! Also, how is "punching something" modern?!

Everybody is relying on Angie the Engineer to interface with The Carrier and get it started again. Aren't any of them suspicious that The Engineer, who is constantly being taken over by other intelligences, has shaken off Brainiac's control so easily?! She's probably going to download Brainiac right into the Carrier so that the can travel the Bleed and invade Earth next issue! I only say "next issue" as a way of saying he'll be able to reach Earth quickly. But as we have seen, the plot moves so slowly in this comic book that it'll still probably take him a few more months.

Maybe I'm being too suspicious. I don't like being too suspicious! It makes me feel like I'm a regular denizen of the internet that doesn't believe anything simply so that they'll never be fooled by anyone.

I hope they hyperbled into the Pre-Crisis DC Universe!

I think I use too many exclamation points. But how is the reader supposed to know how exciting everything is if I don't use them? The reader might get bored if I just use periods all of the time. See? This paragraph is intensely boring. I'm falling asleep typing it. Oh period. You are so dull!

While fighting robots in space is well deserving of lots and lots of exclamation points, meeting the new Team Seven is worth whatever the opposite of the exclamation point is. The dexclamation point?

I wish a lexicon was a collection of words that mean the opposite of other words.

The new Team 7 (or should it be Team 8?) Ha ha! That looks like a funny face! 8?) Ha ha!

Um, anyway, the new Team 7 is composed of Fifty Sue, Deathstroke, Grifter, King Faraday, and Twofer Lana Lang. That makes it comprised of 40% old Team 7 members! Unless my calculator is lying to me.

Faraday teleports away because he can teleport and because he doesn't want to be a part of Team 7+. Now 50% of the team is comprised of old Team 7 members! I hope I'm impressing everyone with my mathematical abilities.

Fifty Sue wants to take Cadmus Island back from Brother Eye and to do that, she needs one of the team members to sacrifice themselves. I suppose that's going to have to be Twofer Lana Lang since nobody cares about Twofers.

Oh yeah. Superman is fighting the Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger. It's actually much more exciting than that last sentence made it sound but I thought I should lay off the exclamation points for awhile.

Constantine explains to Superman that Brainiac isn't just a smart robot whose name came to be used as a sarcastic way of calling people stupid. He's actually some kind of God Machine that falls out of the sky to completely obliterate the plot. Constantine also mentions that he exists outside of space and time which must be why he lives in a black hole (as seen in Doomed #2).

Superman battles the Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger while Constantine babbles on and on about Brainiac. After Superman defeats the robot, Constantine says, "Oh yeah. If you defeat the machine, you'll fail." Whoops! Maybe he should have mentioned that first thing. Constantine surmises that the machine was just a measuring instrument to figure out how strong Superman was so that Brainiac could destroy him when Brainiac (the real, God Machine Brainiac) finally arrives on Earth. Constantine's plan is to chase the Measuring Machine through a cosmic portal to infinity located somewhere in New Jersey. Because if they don't stop it, the Earth is doomed. Probably. I just made that up because isn't that always what happens if comic book characters don't do what needs to be done?

Back at Columbia University, Madison moves a little too quickly for Ronnie Raymond which causes him to flee back to his ex-boyfriend for advice on whom he should speak with about heterosexual problems.

They aren't really friends! They're ex-lovers! That was too exciting a revelation for mere periods.

What actually happened is that Ronnie heard one of those ubiquitous news broadcasts informing everybody that needs to know that a tidal wave was about to hit Samoa. What better opportunity to get some sex with an ex than a natural disaster? Mergetown, USA, here Ronnie comes! And Jason too, probably.

Jason isn't at all happy to see Ronnie. Who would be? They were married way back in The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #0 and then Ronnie started denying his homosexuality and trying to bang cheerleaders. I bet, in his anger, Jason uses him as the first ever non-Justice League Member human teleportation guinea pig!

Sniff, sniff. This moment is practically lifted straight from an Armistead Maupin book.

Professor Toomuchsake has been spying on Jason in the lab and now knows he and Ronnie Raymond are Firestorm. And since Professor Toomuchsake thinks the Justice League is responsible for every death in the world because they haven't given the public their teleportation technology, he now plans on getting revenge against Jason. Which probably means using Jason (and maybe Ronnie as well) as his soon-to-be Brundlefly.

Futures End #25 Rating: No change. I don't care about Jason and Ronnie so the whole last half of this issue was wasted on their love affair. Why can't they just fuck already? And I don't mean merge as Firestorm! They need to forget about being a hero and concentrate on being a couple. What I really wanted to read about was where New Stormwatch went in their carrier! With all of these Preboot images on the last few covers, and then Constantine's revelation that Brainiac exists outside of space and time, I'm really hoping the New Stormwatch takes a trip to any one of the Preboot DC Universes!

Futures End #23

Stuff is about to happen!

Hey DC Comics? Can you make this series more exciting? Thanks! Also, could you change the name? Futures End sounds stupid.

This issue begins strangely. Did somebody allow their teenaged boy to write copy for it?

"Microscopic badass"? "Winged A-hole"? "?!"? Wait. When did I start writing for DC?

Brainiac still wants to assimilate Hakwman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein so that Futures End #0 doesn't have to be redacted. The Engineer has become one of Brainiac's generals. She's different now because she has Brainiac dots on her head and no nano-nipples. It's also possible she doesn't have nano-nipples because DC is more conservative than Wildstorm.

They must have read Issue #0.

To escape, The Atom unminiaturizes the space ship where he was keeping it in his penis.

I don't make this shit up! Sometimes I don't have the visual proof to support the ludicrous things I say. But I do this time! So you should trust me every other time I say something crazy but don't bother to scan the picture for proof.

Even with that picture which obviously shows Atom pulling out his penis to eject a space ship out of it, you might think I'm being facetious. But look at Amethyst's face in that panel. She's absolutely shocked at what she's seeing! The Atom, contrary to what one might think, must be a show-er not a grower!

Stormwatch escapes in the Nan-Knight (get it? It's like nanite! But it's also like an armored grandmother! Wait. Now I don't get it) but they've taken The Engineer along which means they haven't escaped at all! She's part of Brainiac so now he knows exactly how to find them. If he even needs to chase after them. I'm pretty sure The Engineer can defeat The Atom, Hawkman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein. Black Adam could be trouble but as long as she promises to get him back to Earth, he won't fight back.

Why is The Engineer still allowed to join super hero teams? I think she's been compromised well over eighty percent of her time in comics since The New 52 began. I can't remember how often she was hacked in The Authority because my memory is awful and I was distracted by her nano-nipples but I bet it was a lot!

Back on Earth, Madison Payne is having man problems. That's much more dramatic than a gigantic space battle. Please, let's spend many pages dealing with how angry she is at Tim Drake for lying to her about pretty much everything. How can she ever look at him the same way now that she knows everything he told her was a lie! She should just walk away since his name isn't his real name and his past isn't his real past and his truth was full of lies. But...but...she loves him!

How dare you try to put your past behind you by not letting the woman you love know your history so that she'd constantly be asking you about it! Asshole.

If I had been written by Scott Lobdell for three years, I'd want to forget about it too.

That's okay, Tim. Let her go. There are plenty of women out there that you can lie to and live happily ever after with. Unless Lois Lane publishes your secret. Although then you just get a new secret identity. I'm sure you have plenty of aliases ready to go. You don't grow up working with Batman without having a whole alphabet of plans to fall back on.

Yeah. And you're ignoring what's really important to him. So, you know what kids? Just chalk this one up to irreconcilable differences, mmkay?

Look, Madison is hurt because Tim didn't completely open up to her. But what the fuck does she want? Absolute honesty? Nobody can be absolutely honest with their partner in an intimate relationship! Because eventually you're going to reveal that one thing that's like taking the lid off of the Ark at the end of Raiders and your partner's face is going to distort and you're never going to come back from that much honesty ever. "For better or worse" is just something people say to get through the ceremony! Nobody really wants to hear the worst parts! Especially the worst parts that happened when you were a teenager and not quite a fully formed human being that understood risk and empathy and consequences! Those memories may be precious to the person they happened to because they helped form the adult the person later became. But they're most likely not going to be seen as cute, youthful indiscretions by your partner. And I don't mean the story about how you were jerked off by a bum outside the public library. I'm talking about the fucking your pet rabbit to death behind the garage kind of stories. I just picked that example at random! That wasn't any kind of confession!

Mad Payne walks out on Tim Drake who goes on to live a life of following her around and hiding in bushes. Madison goes on to begin another relationship with another guy who's harboring a secret: Ronnie Raymond! And his relationship breaking secret is that he's gay and not that he's 1/2 of Firestorm.

Meanwhile Frank Rock has become an old, forgotten war hero trying to relive the excitement and purpose of his past by turning into a manipulative, murdering Amanda Waller wannabe. He's trying to get the OPS, otherwise known as the Deadly Friends, otherwise known as Voodoo, Mercy, Bangers, and Mash, to take on one of his jobs.

Not the power of "a god" but the power of "the god." So she does nothing and ignores everybody while accepting the praise for performing miracles through doctors and firefighters and other people skilled at their jobs?

Meanwhile thirty-five years in the future (because I guess all time takes place at the same time and in the same brief instant as creation is here and gone in no actual time at all), Brother Eye has created his Terminator to travel back in time to kill Terry McBatman.

Isn't that clever?

Futures End #23 Rating: No change. Am I supposed to care about any of these characters? If so, I think I want Fifty Sue to win. And by win, I don't know what I mean. Is their a conflict in this comic book somewhere? I mean aside from the one between five years from now Mr. Terrific and Mr. Terrific thirty-five years into the future.

Doomed #2

I realize Superman is currently part Doomsday, but can I still declare this as the worst drawing of Superman in the last 75 years?

Usually I joke about not remembering what's been happening in a comic book but I'm telling you up front that the next sentence is not a joke. I don't remember what's been happening in this comic book. Hmm, I don't think I needed the disclaimer about that previous sentence not being a joke since it didn't even come close to making me laugh. Anyway, the last Chapter of Doomed was that one where Supergirl was kissed against her will by that rapist asshole Michael in the wheelchair. What a fucking dick. I hate that guy. Also, that story didn't really have anything to do with Doomed. So rereading my commentary on it didn't help at all. I guess I'll just dive in. At least I'm excited about not seeing Scott Lobdell's name on the cover because fuck that guy!

If I discovered a genie that granted me three wishes, I would begin by wishing for more genies. Then I would wish for a ten inch pianist. Then I would wish that whoever was writing Lois Lane's articles for the Doomed story line would accidentally fall into a time machine set to the moment of his birth where that person would travel back in time and the time machine would land on the baby just as the doctor was bringing it into the world. No wait! I'd wish that I had a time machine so I could go back in time and fuck my great grandfather! I mean my great grandmother!

I'm not going to point out how Lois Lane doesn't know how to utilize commas because I don't know how to utilize commas and I might look like an idiot when everything I say winds up being incorrect. But I am going to point out how horrible this article is and could never have been written by the world's greatest journalist's wannabe girlfriend. At least Lois helped me remember where we left off with this story.

This issue is called "Evolutions" or, as Young Earthers would say, "Stupid Lies By Biased Dumb Dumb Heads That Nobody Should Listen To Or Else You Will Most Definitely Go To Hell."

The final hope of Earth are currently hiding away in the Fortress of Solitude watching as the citizens of Smallville all go into cardiac arrest. But I'm sure it will be a very slow kind of cardiac arrest. You know the kind? The kind your uncle always gets when he goes to those buffets and eats six steaks and then slumps in his chair pounding on his chest to try to stop the pain. That's the kind of heart attack that can go on for weeks before the victim finally seeks medical attention because he can't get a boner.

Lana Lang embarrasses Martian Manhunter by asking him where Superman is instead of saying, "Hey, Johnny boy. Can you, like, start saving everybody already? You're more powerful than Superman, right? Although we really could use Superman since he looks human so everybody looks to him as an icon of truth and justice and the American way whereas they just look at you and throw up in their mouths a little bit." Maybe it would be more embarrassing if she were to say those things, so it's probably better she just left it at asking J'onn to find Superman.

Look at that smirk on Batman's face! He's enjoying this! What a dick.

The plan now is for Superman, as Doomsday, to locate Brainiac within his ship and kill him. Because that worked out so well with Doomsday! What's the next big Superman story going to be called? Superdoomiac? Maybe Superman should stop killing things when he can't force them into the Phantom Zone.

You know what? Maybe Superman should also stop forcing aliens into the Phantom Zone! That may be representative of The American Way but it's certainly not Justice! It may or may not be Truth depending on how big of an asshole philosopher you are.

Speaking of asshole philosophers!

So according to Brainiac, all Superman has to do to defeat Brainiac is to stop observing him! Then he'll stop existing! Or does Brainiac exist through his own observations of himself? He observes, therefore he is?

Brainiac has come up with a philosophical thought so, as an asshole philosopher, he believes his thought must be true. So he's collecting lots and lots of sentient minds so that he can tell them they're seeing what Brainiac wants them to see and then that thing they think they're seeing will exist. He's so stupid he doesn't even understand his own philosophy! In the panel I scanned, he points out that phenomena only exists if it's observed. But that doesn't say that believing you're observing something causes it to come into existence! I think Brainiac might be that fucking asshole in my Freshman Philosophy of Science course that caused me to drop the class after the first day.

While Brainiac idea-masturbates all over the inside of Clark Kent's mind, Cyborg Superman attacks the Fortress of Solitude. Supergirl arrives to battle him because he's her problem. Still no sign of Wonder Woman straddling Warworld as she brings it out of the Phantom Zone to battle Brainiac's ship.

I don't know which of the dozen artists drawing this issue fucked up Supergirl's costume here but I'm glad they did! This is how it should actually look! These Kryptonian Biker Shorts are much cuter than that red diaper she normally wears.

Wonder Woman doesn't come riding out of the Phantom Zone like I wanted her to. Instead she just fires it from inside the Phantom Zone, through the portal, and at Brainiac's ship. Boring! Wonder Woman should force Mongul to sign over the pink slip to Warworld. She is the God of War now. I think it belongs to her. It would make a great base. Or she could just park it somewhere in London and turn it into an apartment building.

When is Superman going to defeat Brainiac with love? I hope he hugs and kisses him which will cause Brainiac to fall to his knees yelling, "NOOOO!" Because what Brainiac doesn't realize is he's battling Earthlings! Earthlings! No other creature in the universe is capable of such strength, resilience, and love! That's because we've all seen the power of love due to the movie The Yellow Submarine. And also maybe Back to the Future as well.

Superman finds out that Brainiac simply wants a universe where his wife and son are still alive. That's why he needs Earth minds! Because they understand how the only thing that really matters is the love of a good wife and son! Earthlings sure are dumb. But Brainiac keeps fighting even when Superman seems willing to help him create his wish. So Lois Lane gives Superman Brainiac's power to go along with his Doomsday power!

Superdoomiac! Just like I said! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Superman uses his new Brainiac powers to toss Brainiac (and himself, apparently) into a Black Hole. Instead of being crushed to death, Superman uses some of Brainiac's Philosophy of Science Powers to believe that a Black Hole is a doorway into another world instead of just a gigantic gravitational death trap. Brainiac winds up listening to some computer speak about acquiring assets for its collection while seeing several different scenes of the Preboot Universe. So Flashpoint breaks down inside of a Black Hole? So that's what all the New 52 Haters should do! Throw themselves into a Black Hole! Why do I keep capitalizing Black Hole?!

Doomed #2 Rating: No change because it isn't in the rankings. What the fuck just happened?! Blue Beetle was in that black hole! Along with Dick Grayson's horrible Nightwing outfit! And Superman's outside underwear! And the original OMAC with his weird ass girlfriend in a box! And a straight Alan Scott! And Harley in her old outfit! And maybe a scene from Flashpoint itself with the Flashpoint Aquaman battling the Flashpoint Wonder Woman? I forget what they looked like but I think they were at war in Flashpoint, right? I'd probably remember better but Flashpoint changed things so that I don't remember Flashpoint very well. Is Superman going to be back in Preboot Continuity now?!

Futures End #16

Brainiac can't be The Cancelator! That would be too boring and then all the people that always take the safest bets would have guessed the Futures End antagonist correctly. I hate those people, always playing it safe and never betting on 100 to 1 long shots and always saving their money for retirement and having goals and plans! Show off jerkos!

Last night, my Shuffle's Volume Up button decided it didn't want to work anymore. Which meant that if I want to hear Electric Six at a volume that doesn't destroy my ear drums, I'll never again be able to hear another song by Simon and Garfunkel. What was even worse was that my Shuffle decided that, perhaps, the Volume Up button might work better as a secondary Volume Down button. So pretty soon I was listening to my music at no volume at all. Which isn't as great as you might think. All I could do is look at the screen and think, "Yeah, that song would be nice to hear right now."

I was, at least, able to set the Shuffle back to factory settings which raised the volume back up to the midway point. Once I get a new Shuffle, I suppose I could sell this one to a family that cares about their child's hearing.

Maybe my Shuffle was infected with the Skeets Virus?! See that? Now I can go right into talking about Futures End without some kind of awkward, stumbling segue.

Five years from now, cash will be scarce! So no different than my lifestyle now.

I've talked about The Mark of the Beast before but I'll talk about it again because who reads every single one of my posts anyway? Who has the time? I should probably recycle a lot more material than I already do. I don't think self-plagiarism is illegal!

People who believe in The Mark of the Beast kind of crap always have this idea that they'll never fall for it because who would ever, knowing that it means the end of the world, get a mark tattooed on their hand or a chip imbedded in their wrist that would allow them to make purchases? They'd see that coming and say, "Oh no! I know better! Fuck you, Devil McDevilish! No mark for me, thank you!" But nobody ever considers that the reason it would happen is not because everybody would suddenly weigh the benefits of the mark versus the evil it would do bringing about the destruction of the world but because everybody would be fooled into getting the Mark of the Beast. And guess what, assholes? You all fucking fell for it! The Mark of the Beast is smart phones! Eventually (apparently five years from now), money will be used less and less because everybody will just be scanning their cell phones at registers to have their cash deducted straight from their account. And if you were an old weirdo mystic from thousands of years ago and saw a vision of people scanning some mark held in their hand, you wouldn't know to say they were using some kind of mechanical device. You'd just note the vision had a mark and a hand and boom! Mark of the Beast. Y'all are devil worshiping assholes! But don't worry! I'm not using a smart phone and never will because I have a smart head. I prefer to access the knowledge that's in my own brain as opposed to stopping in the middle of every conversation to look shit up like some Future Retard. Also, I don't like for people to be able to get in touch with me.

No Apologies! Press should probably be forced to change the name of their web comic to "Future R-Slur," amirite?

Transparency: I am 1/3 of No Apologies! Press.

More Transparency: The baby in Future Retard is me.

Still More Transparency: I am also the protagonist of Future R-Slur!

Even Still More Unwanted Transparency: Most of the initial scripts for the comic were written at Comic-con in the late nineties. Unless it was in 2000. Is 2000 part of the nineties? I think it is!

Stormguard's cape has too many stripes. Unless five years in the future, they've discovered more original US colonies!

Over on Cadmus Island, King Faraday has decided Fifty Sue, Cole Cash, Deathstroke, and, I guess, Twofer Lana Lang need to investigate the Stealth OMAC troubles. They appeared about a month ago. Right around when Cole Cash came to the island. I'm sure it's his fault somehow.

You know what's been missing lately? All of those Narration Boxes that Cole Cash usually creates in every scene he's in. His constant, miserable narration of every situation he's in is the most entertaining aspect of his character.

Mister Terrific has now become the most intelligent person on New Earth as opposed to the third smartest person that he always bragged about being. Or it's just possible that The Cancelator, whom he's always speaking to, just knows the importance of sunshine inside assholes.

Here's a picture of Super Booster punching out Rampage as Lois Lane ruins her underwear. Unless it's Rampage whose underwear was ruined in this scene. It certainly wasn't mine. Why does Superman have to wear so many clothes?!

Rampage blows off the bottom of Superman's welder's mask with one of the soldier's guns because these soldiers don't know how to keep their hands on their weapons. But just seeing Superman's teeth and part of his cheek bones doesn't tell me anything except that Superman is not Jonah Hex.

Back in space, Hawkman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein discover the identity of the creature that destroyed Stormwatch and is Borging up everything.

I know! Some reveal! This was on the cover! It might as well have been a Brainiac Selfie cover.

Futures End #16 Rating: No change. Speaking of a Brainiac Selfie cover, I decided to edit the cover so that it became a Selfie Variant. Does that make this an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea variant cover? Finally the reveal of the major antagonist but it's so boring that I have to believe some greater power is manipulating Brainiac. Maybe Brainiac is infected with the Skeets Virus and Skeets is the master behind it all?

Supergirl #24

Now that Supergirl's flesh has been used to give Cyborg Superman his identity back, do I have to end this commentary with a shot of Cyborg Superman's ass? It might be sexy but I have a feeling it won't be adorable.

I have a confession to make. Actually, it's not much of a confession since all of my philosophy is malleable depending on the situation, being that I'm a Situational Individualist. So when I say I never high-five people, that's generally true. But I did high-five somebody in Las Vegas two weeks ago.

I was on Fremont Street with a bunch of old friends (and a few new ones) when the ceiling light show shit began with Queen. We were singing and walking and grooving along when We Are the Champions ended and it switched to the Monster Mash. At that point, I began dancing with my buddy Brent. At first I was doing the Molly Ringwald but then I began dancing like a Werewolf and then like a Vampire and then like a Mummy. If I'd put a hat down, I probably would have made a few bucks. Eventually Brent decided to dance like a charging bull and plowed into me and we laughed and stopped and continued on to the next casino. As we were entering the casino, some guy standing by the door yelled, "Hey! It's the dancing guy! That was awesome!" and he proffered the up top high-five. So what? I'm going to leave a stranger who appreciated the majesty of my Monster Mashing hanging? Fuck no!

Plus I was kind of drunk. And you know the kinds of stupid, embarrassing things people do when they're drunk! I am not ashamed. He also may have been five years old and who am I to deny a five year old a high five? Yeah, he was tall for one so young but what do I know about children?

So now you know. Anything I say on this blog is not set in stone, depending on the situation and depending on the people involved in the situation. Nobody should be ensconced in any foundational philosophy that doesn't allow room for mercy and understanding. First and foremost, we are all individuals. We should all understand and respect that. Except in situations when the individual's name is Scott Lobdell. Fuck him!

So Supergirl! She's cute, right? Let's read about her! If she's still alive somehow after melting away into nothing.

Just like I confusingly predicted last commentary: Supergirl's shoved her chocolate deep into I'noxia's peanut butter!

Brainiac has arrived to give Supergirl a K-Pap Smear. But Cyborg Superman (who is no longer Cyborg Superman but Zor-el, Supergirl's father) doesn't want Brainiac anywhere near his daughter's dainty parts, no matter how scientific and unsexy Brainiac's motivations might be. He convinces his lab assistant, Delacore, to put everything I'noxia has into repelling Brainiac while Zor-el figures out a way to save everyone and restore Kara's adorable little bum. Delacore agrees because with a name like Delacore, he certainly isn't going to win a fist-fight, even if it is with a naked, traumatized man of science composed of his daughter's supple flesh.

"And a truth that you must keep me from learning no matter how much I beg and plead and say, 'But why wouldn't I want to know? I want to know now so I should know! I was stupid not to want me to know!' Because once I learn the truth again, I'll wind up saying, 'I never should have known!'"

While Brainiac attacks I'noxia topside, Kara attacks from deep within its bowels. She's going to herniate the fuck out of this place unless she gets her body back pronto! That should have whoever is in charge worried. I don't know who is in charge. I guess Zor-el although he's kind of fucked up everything so far!

Supergirl wants to kill Cyborg Superman for taking her body. That's understandable. But little does she know she's suffering from Daddy Issues! Ha ha! Your daddy took away your body and your innocence and just left a pile of raging atoms! Why isn't that as funny as I want it to be? Why did that statement hurt my heart so much?! DADDY!

"Delacore?! Do we really have time for the Heroin Fueled Sex Contraption?! Oh what am I saying? There's always time for the Heroin Fueled Sex Contraption!"

Delacore reverses the operations and Zor-el once again becomes the amnesiac, Cyborg Superman. And Supergirl's body is restored in its full, naked, nipply glory! I'm assuming that Kryptonian females have nipples. I'm fairly certain Kryptonian children are reared by machines and clones and vats full of artificial amniotic fluids! It's a good thing Superman was nourished by the sun when he came to Earth since Ma Kent's cow milk and corn fritters couldn't actually be digested by the boy.

While Supergirl stupidly gets dressed, Cyborg Superman and Brainiac trade wicked barbs like "You're not super at all!" and "You're dumb!" It's all very 3rd Grade Recess which makes it perfect for my level of understanding. I'm totally getting that they don't like each other at all! I appreciate when comic books don't go the subtle route.

Delacore and the rest of I'noxia turn into a silver sphere, convince Supergirl to flee while Brainiac and Cyborg Superman are playing tetherball, and say their goodbyes to Supergirl.

I'm actually looking forward to Delacore's future return! I don't say that often about characters!

Supergirl flees I'noxia and runs straight into the worst final page of a comic book ever! She runs into Oracle, Scott Lobdell's stupid fucking nonsense omnipotent thing that isn't actually omnipotent and doesn't actually do anything at all. But I suppose he's here to suck Kara into the worst crossover since H'el on Earth: THE RETURN OF KRYPTON!!!!! Did I give it enough exclamation points?

Supergirl #24 Rating: +10 Ranking. I have enjoyed this comic book since it started even if it was a bit decompressed for my tastes during its first year. But it's been languishing beneath a bunch of titles that I only occasionally enjoy and I think it's time for Supergirl to get a nice boost, preferably by my hands and preferably by her bottom. I also sense her comic might not fare too well during Issue #25 since it will be tied directly to Scott Lobdell's awesomest story ever told by either Marvel or DC!

Brainiac #1

When you move this cover from side to side, Superman looks like he's doing squat lunges.

Please don't let this be written by Scott Lobdell. I'm reading Trigon next and I'm almost certain that one is written by him. I'm just not sure I can survive reading two Scott Lobdell comic books in a row. Other than my little prayer to whoever might be listening, I have nothing more to say!

It's a miracle! Turns out it's Tony Bedard! Good thing God loves comic books and my sanity.

Looks like The Collector of Worlds and his Terminauts are still on their mission to save examples of cultures that are about to be destroyed by Vyndktvx in his gigantic tantrum across time and space. And according to Scott Lobdell and The Twenty (which is a total ripoff of The 4400, isn't it? Just with less thought put into it because, you know, there are only twenty), the more human looking Brainiac (possibly because it's actually Vril Dox; also possibly it's just the original Brainiac made to look human for infiltration purposes) is looking for intelligent creatures into which to download Coluan egos. So there's a bit of saving culture and a bit of a selfish search and a whole lot of misunderstanding since The Collector of Worlds tends to demolish a lot of shit on each planet as it also steals a tiny city. Because who cares how much destruction happens to a world already in the queue for destruction!

This robot that had its programming taken over by the Brainiac A.I. knows the history of The Collector of Worlds and its battle against Vyndktvx's Multitude, so he relates it to Victoria Viceroy, the woman who built him, so that she may understand exactly what's happening and why she should let it happen unimpeded.

Every fucking planet has a Goddamned Jor-el, don't they?

Vril Dox is caught by his wife experimenting on their kid. Now I don't have kids and never plan on having any, but I'm pretty sure this is a huge no-no. I'm not even sure if I want to know what he's doing judging by that big metal apparatus attached to his son's crotch.

Vril Dox had learned about The Fifth Dimension and the Multitude and how nearly a hundred planets had already been destroyed. His planet was next and the only way to defend against it was by shoving contraptions on the populace's genitalia. It was a desperate gambit but he was positive it was going to work! The only problem was his being convicted of pedophilia and exiled into a Banishment Orb which was shot into space. Well, at least that solved his problem. Now he wouldn't die when Colu was smashed to bits!

These worlds need to stop imprisoning geniuses in prisons of their own designs!

Once Vril Dox turns himself into the multi-orificed head we know and love, and converted his Banishment Orb into an Octobot Prototype, he returns to Yod-Colu to save the world. Actually, he's going to let the world die because he's no Jor-el and there's nothing he can do to save it. But he does plan on saving its culture! And some nice pieces of art. And some of the better video game systems. And, of course, one small city shrunk down to a nice, manageable size. Lucky for his wife and son, he decided to save the city they were currently in.

And then Yod-Colu died.

And that explains why the Brainiac that created Cyborg Superman looked nothing like the crazy centaur thing that tried to take Metropolis.

Brainiac couldn't stop the Multitude even though he was a 12th Level Intelligence. But he soon learned of a man named Jor-el that did stop the Multitude. Which meant Jor-el was smarter than he was. But he also learned that Jor-el died when Krypton was destroyed anyway, not by the Multitude but by some inner core disaster or maybe some clone war or perhaps the weather machines on the surface failed. There have been so many possibilities, I don't think the actual reason for Krypton's destruction has been settled yet.

Brainiac changed his plan now that he knew there was a being like (and better!) than him on Krypton. Now he decided to search every planet for a genius that might help stop the Multitude. And if they can't, he destroys the planet himself. But if they can? Well, he'll probably take the credit for learning how to stop the Multitude and destroy the planet anyway. Then he'll probably only save the rest of the planets if they agree to his rule, since he is a would-be world conqueror.

But before Brainiac destroys the planet with Victoria Viceroy on it, Victoria sends a message detailing Brainiac and his plans which is picked up by the Jor-el of Earth: Doctor Shay Veritas, the Omniologist!

Haven't you heard, big shot? Superman is dead!

Brainiac #1 Rating: It's hard to tell exactly when Dr. Veritas gets this message but I think Superman already knows the danger that Brainiac poses. After all, he did battle one of his incarnations already. And he's currently busy battling The Twenty which are pawns of Brainiac. Anyway, this was a thorough explanation of Brainiac which fit well into the current continuity. But the story didn't make me care much, one way or the other. So it gets a middling ranking of 24. Or something.

Brainiac! (as seen in Superman and crap)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: None
Occupation: Would-be World Conqueror
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: Vril Dox (adopted son), Querl Dox (distant descendant--see Brainiac 5)
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Mobile
First Appearance: ACTION COMICS #242
Height: 7'4" Weight: 479 lbs.
Eyes: Photocellular Hair: None

HISTORY
Years ago, the inhabitants of the distant planet Colu built superior computers possessed of 10th level intelligence compared to the Coluans' own 6th level intelligence. These computers were so sophisticated that they eventually revolted against Colu's populace, becoming dictators of that world.

Deciding at length to expand their dominion beyond Colu, the computers constructed a humanoid spy to reconnoiter other planets. Using the mental patterns of a Coluan scientist to give this android human mannerisms, and boosting its intelligence to an unheard-of 12th level, the computers dubbed their creation Brainiac. To further Braniac's human guise, the computers took a child named Vril Dox and forced him to pose as Brainiac's son [But what about Brainiac's Daughter?]. Ironically, it was this same child who would, several years later while Brainiac was away in space, lead the Coluan rebellion that overthrew the computer rule.

Sent into space by his computer masters, Brainiac traveled from one inhabited world to another, using a unique shrinking ray to steal sample cities from these worlds to test them for conquest. One of these cities was Kandor, former capital of Superman's homeworld, Krypton (see Superman). When Brainiac came to Earth to steal the city of Metropolis, he found himself defeated by Superman, who returned the other stolen cities to their native worlds and took the bottled city of Kandor to his Fortress of Solitude for safekeeping (see Fortress of Solitude).

With the defeat on Colu of his computer masters, Brainiac set out on his own to conquer the universe, returning time and again to Earth to renew his battle with Superman in a vain effort to avenge his repeated defeats at the Man of Steel's hands.

After one such battle, Superman left Brainiac entombed at the very center of a vast computerized planet of Brainiac's own devising. Unable to free himself through any other means, Brainiac forced the planet's sun, Epsilon 4, to go nova, believing the resultant energies would free him.

Instead, the nova's energy was far beyond Brainiac's expectations, reducing the humanoid android to a random mass of molecules. This cloud of Brainiac's atoms drifted through space until the atoms were drawn to a world of living machines where life was not carbon-based, but electronic. Here, he joined with the planet's bio-computers, absorbing information that had been stored there since before the birth of our galaxy. Leaving the computer-world at last, Brainiac's atoms continued drifting through the universe, from world to world, gleaning more information wherever they traveled.

Returning at last to his computerized world, Brainiac's atoms began to reintegrate over a period of many months, until he emerged restored, but drastically changed. Now a fully living machine with no trace of human emotion, the new Brainiac continues to stalk the stars.

POWERS & WEAPONS
No longer merely a humanoid computer but a unique form of organic life, Brainiac is possessed of superhuman strength and endurance, and commands an almost infinite array of the most sophisticated computerized mechanisms ever devised [So he's mostly Commodore 64?].

Though he possesses knowledge of all known forms of hand-to-hand combat throughout the universe, Brainiac considers himself above such barbaric actions, preferring to use his awesome mind to defeat his foes.

Superman Annual #2

I have no clue how Scott Lobdell is going to write a convincing Brainiac.

Brainiac: "So, Superman, we meet again. I am going to totally outwit you!"
Superman: "Just try it, Brainiac! That wasn't me saying your name! That was me calling you 'brainiac' sarcastically! Jerko!"
Brainiac: "You are a fool, Superman. And stupid too!"
Superman: "Ewwww! I'll show you stupid!"
Brainiac: "You will not have to try very hard."
Superman: "I am going to punch you in your big fat green face now!"
Brainiac: "Oh no you will not, Superman. For you see, I have harnessed the power of the Omniomni! With it, I can do anything I can think of. And being the smartest person you have ever met, I can think of a lot of things!"
Superman: "Oh no! You are very smart and have completely made me look stupid! I am at your mercy!"
Brainiac: "Ha ha ha! I win, Superman! If only you were as smart as me, you would have realized that the one flaw with using the Omniomni is fits of narcolepsy!"
Superman: "A-ha! I knew that your need to look smart would eventually be your downfall! Now all I must do is find a dictionary and learn what 'narcolepsy' is and then use it against you! You will be defeated next issue, Dumb-dumbiac!"
Brainiac: "Curses! If only I had destroyed all of the dictionaries to begin with! I will get you next time, Superman!"

I bet the Annual reads exactly like that!

What a fucking surprise. Scott Lobdell "Lobdelled" this issue!

Here's my definition of "Lobdelled":

Is this kind of opening to a comic book called “Lobdelling it”? You open with a rather static splash page and a bunch of Narration Boxes with the first Narration Box stating the name of the character.

So the Annual opens with Lois Lane having been murdered. But she's also introducing herself as having just been murdered. Oh Scott Lobdell. Did you just get done watching American Beauty when you wrote this?

It looks like Lois Lane fell through a window to her death. But it's odd that all of that glass ended up lying on top of her. So I think what really happened was that she got drunk at a big Daily Planet party, passed out on the sidewalk on the way home, and then a plate glass window fell out of a skyscraper and landed on top of her. Simply tragic.

It turns out Lois is on the roof of a building, so I need to amend my guess. I think the front windshield of an airliner fell off and landed on her as she was out getting some air and looking over her city. Also, she hasn't actually been murdered yet. She's just having some dying thoughts about how she's dying and then the dying will end up being murder because the person that kicked out the windshield of the plane aimed it at her. She's also blaming herself which is no way to think, Lois. Stop blaming the victim, you dumb slut.

Superman picks Lois up in his arms because fuck what those lousy EMTs would say about not moving injured people. He has super vision and he's super smart and knows all about the human female anatomy and where all of her organs should be. So using his x-ray vision, he notices that her parts are in just the right spots that will allow him to cradle her in his arms. When he does, he breathes into her face. I bet if she wasn't so concerned about dying right now, she'd realize he's actually Clark Kent!

Lois Lane: "Whoa. Superman! That's the same stale breath of Rubens and Root Beer that I remember that time you got tipsy and leaned in to try to ram your tongue down my throat?"
Superman: "That wasn't me! That was Clar...."
Lois Lane: "A-ha! *CROAK*"

That was just the prologue. Now gather around, everybody! You all know the drill! This is a comic book so it's time to flash back to one week earlier. Hold the hand of your buddy and try not to get lost in time. Also please refrain from humming Huey Lewis songs.

So that's how Superman keeps people from tracing his cell phone! He uses burners! He's just like the drug dealers on The Wire! And me!

Lois is just working late at the Daily Planet trying to keep it relevant. She says, "Not too long ago, [Clark] was the second greatest news reporter in the world. Now he's--I can barely say it--blogging." It's interesting that Lois believes she's the greatest reporter in the world and yet she's currently bailing water on the sinking ship of circulated print media and looking down her nose at the internet. How can the greatest reporter in the world not see the actual story? The last generation that will regularly read a newspaper has already been born. And, I dare say, two more generations have already been born since that one. And I say that as somebody who still reads floppy comics. Some day, publishers are simply going to have to abandon them because their audience has gone completely digital. We're living in a world of Gargoyles now and everybody needs to get used to it.

Lois is interrupted by a cast member from Mars Attacks! The woman mentions something about trying to resist some female's call. It's possible she's talking about The Queen Bee. Or this could be something entirely different since it's an Annual. But I think this woman is one of The Twenty and she'd been called forth by The Queen Bee to prepare for Brainiac's return.

Of course when a freakishly strange person dies at your feet in Metropolis, there's just one place to take her: S.T.A.R. Labs! Let's cut her open, Science Doctors!

"You figure out who this chick is, Lois. My lunch is getting cold. And don't worry about notifying the police or anything. We got this!"

Superman drops by to do the x-ray autopsy because fuck protocol when you're Superman! As long as nobody knows you performed the autopsy, who needs clearance from the family, right? And she's dead so it's not like it's an invasion of her privacy, right? I think Superman and Lois Lane might need to take a refresher course on ethics.

But then again, time is probably of the essence! And more people's lives could be in danger, so Superman should be able to invade everybody's privacy to keep everyone safe! You go, Superman! Fill our heads with radiation as you check to see if we're lying! Scan our apartments for illegal contraband so you can learn the things we like and later sell that information to Amazon! I know that's how you make your money, you arrogant prick. I think you also have an Omnicomputer running all day long in the Fortress of Solitude sending out Spam emails. Dick.

Superman determines that this woman's gigantic head was caused by her own gigantic head. She seems to have thought herself into being a big-headed super smarty pants. Perhaps all of The Twenty will soon be shopping for hats at Hector Hammond's Huge Head Hattery. I'm beginning to think there are some psychic shenanigans going on in Metropolis!

Using her super duper reporter skills, Lois Lane discovers the woman's name was Amelia Darling. And then she decides to flash back to five years previous! Shit! We weren't ready for this one! I hope everybody is still holding their buddy's hand tightly! Don't let go! HEEEEERRRREEEE WEEEE GOOOOOOO! "BBBBAAAACCCKKK INNNN TIIIIIIMMMMMMEEEE!" IIIIIIII TOOOOOOLLLLLLDDDDD YOOOOOOOOUUUUU! NOOOOOOO HUUUUUEEEEEEYYYYY LLLLLLEEEEEWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSS!

No, Lex, I'm pretty sure the worst idea ever involves fifteen goats, a hovercraft, and a shotgun wedding.

After Metropols was saved by Superman, Lois Lane began investigating The Twenty. She seems to be the one to have brought the mysterious disappearances to everybody's attention. But I suppose five years is a long time without any clue as to where the people went, so people began thinking of The Twenty as an Urban Legend. Until now! Lois Lane had just found one of The Twenty! Amelia Darling with the fucked up head!

Except that when Chapter Three begins and Lois starts investigating Amelia Darling (again!), she realizes that Amelia wasn't missing at all! She'd been working and living her life every day since Brainiac came. This mystery might need a Batman to solve! It could be way beyond a meager reporter's detective skills! I don't think Lois has the skill to figure it out because she's just a lousy reporter. Plus she gets murdered at the end! Remember that?!

Lois decides to begin her investigation again and winds up finding another of The Twenty so I guess she's about as good as Batman.

When Lois says "we'll", who is she including with herself? The Daily Planet? Are they on the cutting edge of life saving technologies? They delving into psionic research? Or does she just always include Superman in her plans.

If you're wondering why I haven't been lambasting Scott Lobdell during this commentary, you'll be unpleasantly surprised to find that this issue is actually pretty good. So far. If you lose the first page and the "I'm dying so here's the entire story repeated inside my own head" Narration Boxes!

And then Chapter Four begins and Lois Lane is wearing the dress she'll get murdered in! Oh no! The tension is so high!

Lois attends a fundraiser where she meets up with "Sentator" Hume who just happens to be one of The Twenty! And even though Lois Lane investigated all of The Twenty and found them missing and should know their identities, they all have super psionic brain powers which makes every bit of her investigation untrustworthy. But now they're willing to telepethatate with her. Probably because The Queen Bee is trying to force them all to do her bidding. Sentator Hume just lets it all come out. And by "all" I actually mean one single page that answers a few questions but then creates more!

See Lobdell? Was that so fucking hard? Instead of constantly having characters say, "I hope nobody discovers my secret!" for twelve issues, you actually move the plot along by revealing a few answers while simply raising more questions. This is the way to string readers along! Kudos! Finally.

Sentator Hume continues his story and reveals even more answers! Holy fuck. I thought I wouldn't learn more until Superman Annual #3. So Vril Dox (who some of you might remember from Preboot times as the leader of L.E.G.I.O.N. and the Tamer of Lobo) began the whole collector thing by shrinking a city from Colu and uploading his people's psyches into computer networks on other planets. As Brainiac traveled about saving cities from The Multitude, he was also searching for organic vessels to contain his people's psyches. On Earth, he gave twenty people Level 12 Intelligence. Just like Brainiac 5 from the future! Apparently the human bodies seem to be strong enough to be used as hosts for the Coluan intelligences. Which is why Brainiac must come back! And to ensure that Lois Lane gets the truth out to keep Brainiac from coming back and taking The Twenty, Sentator Hume turns her into one of them. Now Lois Lane must solve the case before she's consumed by the Smarts Virus and her head blows up.

The last page is a callback to the first page with Lois repeating her name and Narration Boxing, "This is the last story I will ever file," as Superman cradles her. Which makes the Narration Boxing into the story she was writing exposing The Twenty. So one of Scott Lobdell's stories finally makes the Narration Boxes work for it. And it makes beginning one of his stupid fucking Lobdelled beginnings work as well! What the fuck is wrong with the universe? This was actually a well done story! I bet Dan Jurgens did most of the story telling with his plotting and layouts!

I just can't give Scott Lobdell the benefit of the doubt!

There's a back-up story about The World of Krypton but it's not any more interesting than the first four chapters. The military hates the scientists and the scientists hate the military and they both want to control the public and the scientists want to kill clones for parts and the military wants to kill Kryptonians for using clones for parts. Or something. Whatever.

Superman Annual #2 Rating: It's too fucking bad I don't raise or lower the ranks of comics due to the Annual because this was by far and away the best issue of anything that Scott Lobdell has written. It was coherent. It answered questions. It stuck to the world and plot that had been in the books previously. It tied in to Grant Morrison's Action Comics run in a logical and well-done way. Frankly, I'm astounded. And shocked. And a little sad that Lobdell might be getting his shit together since this is the third comic book in a row of his that I've thought was decent or better. I wonder if I should go in for an MRI?