Green Lanterns #6

The Commentary!
Current mood: I hate everybody. EV.ER.EE.BOD.EE.

Mood Friday Night: Drunk and singing Karaoke. That's pretty much the opposite of how I feel right now. And before you think, "Yeah, I get it, Tess! The world is full of pricks and assholes!", realize that you--the person agreeing with me?--I hate you too. Friday night I was singing "Be My Lover" by Alice Cooper and "Shame on You" by the Indigo Girls and "Eastbound and Down" by Jerry Reed and "Randy Scouse Git" by The Monkees and "Don't Let Me Get Me" by Pink. Tonight? Fuck it all. I'm going back into my shell and just read comic books and try to make some stupid jokes. I apologize beforehand to Sam Humphries since a lot of them will probably be at the expense of the work he did. Although, can it really be called work when you're obviously not doing the job you were paid to do? Exhibit A:

I think Sam mixed up the job descriptions of "Comic Book Writer" and "Novelist".

With all of this first person narration, might I suggest possibly going into a Young Adult Novel career path, Sam? When you were scripting this, you did know an artist was going to be doing some of the work for you, right? This feels like I'm reading the novelization of Green Lanterns #6!

I usually hate spoilers but I'm going to count all of the Narration Boxes in this comic book right now even though that means I'll see some images that might spoil the story. Although, will I? Really? From the looks of this page, the story is all in the words! The art is just parsley to make the...you know what? I actually don't know what parsley on a plate of food is for.

Ninety-one Narration Boxes and seventy panels. That ratio is way, way off. But there's good news too! As I was counting the panels and boxes, I noticed after about ten pages, the Narration Boxes mostly stopped for eight pages. Holy shit! Eight pages of Sam Humphries doing the job he was hired to do! I suppose he was also hired to write Narration Boxes. Some people like that shit! Sometimes, people sit down at a steak restaurant and actually say things like, "I would like a steak well done! I would like you to completely ruin the steak you are about to serve me by drying it out completely and making it extra crunchy and tough to chew! Also, could you sprinkle extra parsley around it?"

So the pictures did spoil the story for me! I haven't read the comic book yet but I know Jessica finally makes a construct, Simon breaks his arm in the fight, the teddy bear present is saved, Jessica's sister is safe, the Bohemian Guardian flashes his new Magenta Ring, and Dex-Starr successfully plants the Rage Seed in the Hell Well. So, you know, do I really need to read the comic book now? I figure all that Narration Boxing probably just makes sure I know that Jess sort of overcomes her anxiety to help Simon and Simon sort of overcomes his manliness to accept help, and they begin to trust each other. Right?

How dare you identify with the term "dork" in an adorable way?! You are no dork. You've never been a dork. You've never dealt with being an actual dork. Actual dorks got wedgies. Actual dorks got swirlies. Actual dorks came home from school with busted lips and black eyes and torn clothing on a constant fucking basis. Stop thinking it's so cute to be "such a nerd!" or "a total dork!" or "like, so geeky!" Fuck you.

Some people might be thinking, "How do you know those things never happened to her, Tess?!" Yeah, I don't. But, you know, she's a fictional character so I'm betting she probably did have those experiences, just so it all makes sense. But the thing that nobody really wants to talk about is that being a dork, or a nerd, or a geek isn't really about your hobbies. It isn't about being ostracized by the popular kids because you play Dungeons and Dragons or read science fiction or bury your face in comic books. It's actually about appearance. You're in elementary school or junior high or high school and you're ugly or fat? You're probably going to be picked on incessantly by assholes. But because you were picked on for shit you couldn't change about yourself (and why should you want to, or be constantly told you should want to change anyway?), you escaped from reality however you could. Back when words like dork, nerd, and geek weren't proud labels to wear on your lapel, they read comic books. They played Dungeons and Dragons. They lost themselves in science fiction. They weren't nerds, dorks, and geeks because they liked those things. They liked those things to get away from being constantly aware that everybody fucking hated them based solely on their looks. Can you maybe understand why some dorks, nerds, and geeks are so angry now that their escapes have gone mainstream and everybody has decided they themselves are dorks, nerds, and geeks now? I don't mean they're mad because other people like the shit they like. I mean they're angry because they still get picked on and still don't fit in because of their appearance. And what's worse? If any of them try to express how they feel, they get ridiculed by holier-than-thou assholes and told that they don't have a reason to be hurt or angry.

The inside cover of Chris Ware's Jimmy Corrigan, The Smartest Kid on Earth has a number of heartbreaking bits that get to the essential core of being a nerd. One of the bits is a questionnaire and begins with "1. You are a. male. b. female. If b, you may stop. Put down your booklet. All others continue." The following goes on to describe in painstaking detail the experience of being a male nerd. Does the first question erase the experience of female nerds? Of course not. Get the fuck out of here. But by including that first question, Chris Ware is speaking to the heart of what it felt like to be a male nerd during a time when nerd hobbies were not mainstream and, I think, is a bit of a prophetic sense of what we have seen in things like Gamer Gate and the Manosphere. In some way, male nerds feel that women can never experience what it feels like to be ostracized by others. In some weird partitioned logic, they somehow think women cannot have had the same experiences that they had when younger. But reading through the rest of the questionnaire in the inside cover of Jimmy Corrigan, nothing stands out as being a purely male experience. Without that first question, the list isn't gendered at all. Here are two examples:

"6. The presence of members of the opposite and/or attractive sex makes you feel
a. weird.
b. awful.
c. terrified.
d. hopeless.
e. like killing yourself.

7. The possibility of finding social and/or personal contact with members of the opposite and/or attractive sex is
a. laughable.
b. incomprehensible.
c. all you ever think about.
d. a, b, and c.
e. a, b, c, and d."

These questions are experiences both unpopular and bullied males and females can identify with. And even though the first question asks females to put down the questionnaire, the questions are still posed in a way that doesn't exclude anyone based on gender. Although, I suppose, the "attractive sex" bit means "female"? And it's totally asked in a heteronormative way! But, you know what, ignore that bullshit. This is about specifics and cries of "erasure" only broaden discussion when sometimes (most of the time?) things need to get specific. Which brings me back to the fucked up angry male nerds who believe they're the only ones who have ever felt the way they've felt. So like the beginning of Chris Ware's quiz which seems to state females won't understand this kind of social isolation, they believe they're still being left behind by a culture that has accepted their escapes but still will not accept them.

Generally, I point out that these angry white males arming themselves for war are idiots who are throwing away the greatest privilege of being a white male. As a white male, you are born, from day one, being nothing but the name given to you by your parents. You are an individual. You don't have to fight for rights. You don't have to answer questions about where you're from. You don't have to worry about being a slut or a prude. You're just fucking you, and that's all. When somebody makes fun of white males or attacks white males, most white males don't think, "Fuck you! You're talking about me, aren't you?!" Most white males think "That's right! White males do do that shit!" without ever thinking they're included in the generalization. Because, even if they are, why should they care?! You're not losing anything by being made fun of! The privilege of being born an individual and only an individual can't be taken away by somebody talking about a group of people which--Hey!--you happen to be part of. Angry white males are idiots throwing away the greatest gift they were ever given: the right to not give a shit what anybody says about white males!

Generally, I point out those things. Generally. But sometimes, I empathize with those white males. Sometimes I think it's strange that suddenly white males can't have emotional problems where they express how they've been shit on simply because white males aren't allowed to feel powerless and hurt and upset. At least, not as a group. Which I totally agree with! But when a white male, as an individual, tries to express any of their loneliness or isolation or anger at the way they've been treated--again, as an individual!--they're shit on and ridiculed and told they aren't allowed to feel those things. Because, you know, that's a cool thing to do to a person.

I know, I know. Everybody lacking reading comprehension and wanting to scream about their own issues can just reply "man tears" to this post. Like I fucking care! You think I feel emotions?! Fuck that. Life crushed the emotions out of me by the time I was thirty-five. And, when you get right down to it, I don't actually give a shit how badly white male nerds are treated. I've been to Magic the Gathering Tournaments. Most of those guys are dicks.

Oh! That was a joke with a lot of truth behind it but it sort of makes the point I was going for in a weird way. There was this one guy who I played in a tournament who I knew from a sealed deck league that I used to play in the back of a comic book shop in Campbell, California. I was in my early twenties at the time and he must have been in his forties, maybe older. He was fat, balding, and had a goofy eye that stared in the other direction. He carried a briefcase full of Magic cards. He was the kind of guy who probably would read the inside cover of Jimmy Corrigan and weep uncontrollably. He was a nerd. A dork. A geek. And I fucking loved this guy. He was nice. He was generous. He was fun to play. He was interested when you played combinations he never would have considered. We just happened to draw against each other in the first round at a tournament in San Jose. I beat him with one of my weird, no creature decks and he was polite and cool and wished me luck in the rest of the tournament. He's one of the guys who I empathize with, caught up in what is a predominantly white male nerd outlet full of aggressive, sexist assholes who would cheat in every game they played if given the chance.

Ugh. Anyway. Enough about white males. Fuck those guys, amirite?!

So, back to the Green Lanterns...hey! Look! Jessica Cruz overcomes her anxiety and saves Simon's life! What a surprise!

Good cat! I can't not scan a picture of Dex-Starr being a good cat! Aww! Destroy the world like a good kitty! Who's a big man?! Yes, yes. Who's a big man?!

Jess destroys the Hell Well but not before Dex-Starr plants the rage seed. So Red Dawn will continue as planned as Simon and Jess bond over Jessica's newfound ability to make constructs. I mean, she only made like this flowery thing which any preschooler probably could have made. But it was enough to let the Green Lanterns think they saved the Earth!

Simon and Jessica hug which, I think, means they're forming a cohesive unit now. This is also about the time the Narration Boxes end! Because they don't have to think separate thoughts now. They're united! Let's give Sam Humphries the credit for that being the way the narrative was designed, shall we? Let's not pretend it's just something I observed and made more out of than it actually is. He's a professional writer! This is the kind of thing they do! Okay, yes. I'm more than a professional comic book reader. I'm a Grandmaster! But that doesn't mean what I read into a book is more than what is actually there! That would be insulting to Sam! And I'm not reading comic books to be insulting to Sam Humphries! I read comic books to be insulting to Cullen Bunn!

That would actually be a pretty small pizza.

The part without Narration Boxes? The part where Simon and Jessica become friendly towards each other? I like that part! A lot! I like it as much as I hate the parts that are all Narration! You know what? I think I like it more! That might mean this comic could get a positive ranking before I'm done! As long as Sam Humphries doesn't do something that I'm totally biased against before this ends.

Simon and Jess head back to Simon's sister's place to deliver his nephews present and run into the Bohemain Guardian. This Guardian isn't actually one of the Bohemian Guardians from the last Green Lantern run. This guy is even more bohemian than they were! He's so bohemian he's rogue! He's Rami the Rogue Guardian! You thought the Qwardians were insane?! Well, they've got nothing on Rami! He did what even they couldn't do! What's that?! Um, uh, just a second while I turn the page to find out!

Oh. Is that all? Who fucking cares?!

I still think it would have been better if it were the Magenta Ring and could only be used by little girls. But a ring anybody can use? Is that really so different from every other Spectrum Ring in existence? It doesn't really sound that special. I mean, if G'nort can wield a green ring, who can't wield one?!

The epilogue to "Rage Planet" has Bleez thinking about how she can't let Atrocitus know how much she wants to be free from Red Lanterning while Atrocitus thinks, "There's something different about Bleez!" Because, God forbid, a character ever keep anything secret from another character. It's like taking Stan Lee's theory about fights ending in a draw to its extreme. Bleez needs to fool Atrocitus! But Atrocitus can't be written as being fooled by anybody so he has to show, through Narration Boxing, that he has his doubts about the person lying to him! Ugh.

Meanwhile, a new Red Entity is incubating inside the Earth. When it's time to have a big crossover event, it will be born and Red Dawn will be splashed across the covers of all of the Green Lantern comic books (and maybe more, if the Green Lanterns editor gives out enough handjobs and fingerbangs to the other editors).

The Ranking!
+1. But it's a tentative plus one! That's why I used a period! Oh, and also? I think I'm over hating everybody. Reading comic books for the win!

Green Lanterns #3

Congratulations! It only took you three issues to pull the oldest fucking trick in the book and have the heroes fight each other, Sam Humphries!

The Commentary!
I haven't read the comic book so my caption for the cover could be wrong. I know better than to trust the covers of comic books. They lie worse than my sister in Junior High¹. But in this case, I'm going to assume the cover isn't lying because Simon and Jessica are up against the Red Lanterns and they like to make people angry. So Jess and Si are probably going to be influenced by the Red Rage which will amplify all of their feelings of annoyance at the other and they'll wind up battling. Jessica will probably lose because she can't make light constructs and she doesn't have a gun.

I'm trying really, really hard not to rant about how much I ha...oh fuck it. Here I go!

Why the fuck do comic book writers insist on writing narration as if the main character is speaking directly to the reader? I bet you anything every one of these fucking writers who use this crutch think Catcher in the Rye is a fantastic novel. Well it isn't! It's terrible and awful and utter crap and only people who have never realized that they don't have to do everything everybody ever fucking told them to do would find Catcher in the Rye in any way inspiring or thought provoking! But I didn't begin this rant to shit all over J.D. Salinger (no matter how much J.D. deserves to be shat upon!)! I am completely pulled out of the story when the comic book characters decide to speak directly to me. Especially with the goddamned cutesy bullshit fuck garbage like "(Don't worry. I didn't do it.)" on this page! I'm not a fan of any Narration Boxes but I can at least stomach the ones where that mimic the old fashioned thought bubbles. I can understand bringing out the thoughts the character is having in the moment. But this fucking tripe that sounds like an actor giving the DVD Commentary on every scene? It makes my fucking dick ache. Sam Humphries owes me for anti-dick-ache medication!

Now that I'm done ranting for the moment, what is up with that list of names on the cover? Holy fuck, how many people does it take to create a mediocre comic book?! Apparently, at the last minute, some of these artists were told they were responsible for pages they were never prepared to draw!

This is proof of my previous statement! I fucking can draw cats better than this! And I stopped hiding proportion mistakes by hiding the ankles and feet behind other objects in 9th grade art thanks to Mr. Sanchez!

The last page of the first issue made it look like Atrocitus was fucking the Earth and after the revelations in this panel, I see why! He really is fucking the Earth with the Hell Tower² to plant his Rage Seed in Mother Earth's Core³. And I guess nine months later, Deathstork will deliver a rage baby who will destroy the Earth.

Atrocitus commands Bleez to stop the Green Lanterns before they can interrupt his sexing up of Mother Earth. He tells Bleez she is the best but really he just likes watching her fly away from him. Because she wears a thong and her butt is exposed! Plus the only other Red Lantern he brought with him to Earth is Dex-Starr and Dex-Starr is fucking useless. All a Green Lantern has to do is shine a green light on the wall and Dex flips the fuck out for ten minutes before totally losing his mind, flying from the room, and finding a quiet place to lick his ass for the rest of the evening.

Simon and Jessica arrive in St. Louis to battle Bleez but decide to bicker first.

How the fuck does the artist, inker, colorist, and editor have no idea about the comic book they're working on? Simon Baz's gun is real, you idiots!

Bleez arrives to show Jessica how to make simple constructs with her red ring. She learned that trick from Rankorr! Maybe Jessica will learn from watching Bleez. If Jess didn't die when Bleez attacked because she's currently trapped under some rubble.

After Simon is thrown against a building with his teddy bear, Jessica climbs out of the rubble to take her turn. But first she has to remind all of the readers that she suffers from crippling anxiety. She has to mention it in a Narration Box because you'd never guess from the way she acts in the comic books. Jess also gets thrown into a building because she's terrible at Green Lanterning. I suppose it was Volthoom doing all the work previously.

This made me chuckle. This is an acceptable Narration Box.

Simon begins to be taken over by the rage so I guess he and Jessica will fight it out soon. I bet Jessica gets the upper hand so that Simon has to grudgingly give her his respect.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, the Bohemian Guardian has arrived to reveal what's in the box⁴. I hope it's the fabled Magenta Ring! But he'll only reveal it to the Green Lantern of Earth, so I guess the revelation of the box's contents will have to wait another issue or two since Si and Jess are busy.

Simon Baz resists the rage deep in his heart and instead decides to do that healing thing he did once before. That thing that no other Green Lantern has ever managed to do! That thing that set Simon apart from every other Earth Lantern ever created! That thing that I thought everybody completely forgot about when everybody forgot about Simon! Simon Baz decides to heal Bleez! And it works! She's transformed back into her pre-Red Lantern self! She even has her original wings! But she also retains all the memories of the horrible shit she did as a Red Lantern, which I guess is just too much for her.

Where did her little head wings go?!

Simon convinces Bleez not to kill herself and to maybe go out for pizza later. But first she tells him all about Atrocitus's Hell Tower² and how it needs to be destroyed. That's when Jessica returns and doesn't notice that Bleez looks different and that Simon has an erection.

Jessica's attack causes Bleez to return to Red Lantern status. Or maybe Simon's healing efforts simply wore off. Or maybe something really dirty happened that involves lady parts and lady fingers and little lady deaths! It's hard to tell for sure because I've already convinced myself that Bleez rubbed one out while Jessica was thinking up hilarious battle quips.

After returning to Red Lantern status, Bleez flees from the battle to hide from the Green Lanterns and from Atrocitus because she gave away his plan. So I guess no pizza then?

Simon and Jessica head back to the Hell Tower² to destroy it. But once they get there, Jessica is infected by the rage and attacks Simon. So the cover wasn't a lie! It was actually a spoiler for the last page! The battle won't take place until next issue!

The Review!
Okay, okay! Aside from the initial Narration Boxes that really just work as introductions to the story so far (but--I still maintain--do not work as a logical narrative device!), I enjoyed this comic book. A good portion of the Narration Boxes used later work as thought bubbles, so they didn't completely bug the shit out of me. And I really appreciated that Simon Baz's healing power has been brought back into the story. With so many Earth Green Lanterns, they all really need a little something that sets them apart. Hal is the fly by the seat of his pants test pilot leader! John Stewart is the architect of always having to sacrifice somebody! Simon Baz is the uplifting healer! Kyle Rayner is the guy who can think up really cool light constructs! Jessica Cruz is the Green Lantern that was evil and is now anxious! And Guy Gardner is the Green Lantern with a huge cock! See? They're all special in their own way! I just hope the Red Lanterns fuck off after this initial story and Sam Humphries imagines up some of his own cosmic conflicts rather than using Geoff Johns' fucking scraps. Except for Dex-Starr! Maybe Simon can heal Dex-Starr and get him a Green Lantern ring! Or a Blue Lantern ring! Who wouldn't want a cat sidekick that gives the heroes hope? I'm all in for that plot twist! _________________________________________________
¹She lied a lot!
²Atrocitus's nickname for his penis.
³The core is the geographically correct name for the Earth's womb.
⁴You probably already made your own Se7en joke so fuck if I'm going to look like a hack and repeat it.

Edge of Oblivion #6

And they all died happily ever after.

The Review!
This final issue was a good issue. Each subsequent issue of this series just got better and better as it dragged itself further and further away from the terrible reason it exists, Lost Army. My highlights in this issue were Simon Baz saying a thing that a lot of people really need to hear this week, Guy Gardner being the heroic Guy Gardner who can sometimes be an ass but never lets that interfere with rescuing the innocent and helpless, and Xrill's declaration of love for 2-6-8-1-7-9-5.

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with the revelation that Ausras and Dismas were actually Langoliers. Their job is to finish eating the last of Relic's universe so that the next universe has room to come into existence. It's quite an important job on a omniversal scale! Which doesn't make it surprising when the Green Lanterns decide to stop them. Why are they messing with the natural ebb and flow of cosmic life? This is like when Swamp Thing tried to destroy the Rot! If he got rid of rotting things, where would the Green most of their nutrients?! What about the Grey? Without the Rot, the Red's herbivores would never die and consume what's left of the Green! It's all part of the natural system and while everybody can battle to maintain balance, nobody can outright defeat anybody else or everybody dies.

You might be thinking, "But Tess? Why don't you post naked pictures of yourself?" Or you might have actually been paying attention to what you were reading in the previous paragraph instead of fantasizing about seeing me naked and thought, "But Tess! You don't know if the Blackest Knights are part of the cosmic cycle or just parasites bringing this universe to an early end!" Sure, I don't know that! But I'm going to assume it so that I can write about how terrible the Green Lanterns are at their job! They're going to destroy their own universe by defeating the Cosmic Langoliers who are helping to bring the Lanterns' universe into existence! Probably!

You know who hasn't been seen in five or six issues? Relic and Krona! Hopefully they're finding a way back to the DC Universe and not just sucking each others' dicks. I mean, I hope that for the sake of the Green Lantern Corps! If I were hoping for my own entertainment, I would be crossing my fingers for the dick sucking thing.

You know who else we haven't seen for awhile? B'dg and Arisia! Oh, wait. Never mind.

The Oliver Twist of Green Lanterns is the first killed in the battle (I mean, the first acknowledged. Some others may have been swallowed whole). After her faceplant into the planet's surface, her ring rushed off to find Sector 2619 (which totally doesn't exist). But the ring believed it existed for some unfathomable reason, so Simon Baz decided to follow it to whatever wormhole it sensed which led to the DC Universe. My bet the wormhole is the hole at the end of Krona's worm, if you get my dirty meaning!

Eventually, Simon Baz figures out where the rings are going.

I'm going to start referring to my asshole as a tear in space. "Doctor! Your finger's in another dimension!" Other things that have gone into that other dimension: my own finger and the tip of a smooth black cylindrical vibrator.

Simon Baz decides to head into the breach and try to report back to Guy what's on the other side. As he does this, he gives an example of what I appreciate about his character.

In Green Lanterns Rebirth #1, Simon Baz is the guy Johns and Humphries express his hope that Jessica Cruz's ring was Guy's ring because Guy had died. They couldn't have missed the point of Simon Baz more. And Johns created him! I think.

Baz's reconnaissance doesn't go great. But since the space fissure is the only place left to go, the Green Lanterns decide to fly into it. But first they have to save the last city of Relic's universe. I suppose they'll stick it on Mogo and Mogo will become the setting for a Green Lantern: Mosaic Rebirth comic book? I hope?

Oh? A mosaic, you say?!

The Lanterns manage to get the Cosmic Langolies onto the surface of Mogo's new friend, the planet Perduron. She gets them in a continental bear hug and traps them in Relic's universe as it dies around them. The Lanterns, meanwhile, flee into the space fissure and escape. Probably. I mean, Simon Baz was in Green Lanterns Rebirth #1 and all.

Batman Loves Superman #27

Red Hood is a dandy shooter.

I just ragequit the Origins Magic the Gathering game on the Xbox One because fuck you, Wizards of the Coast. You completely ruined the fucking game with this expansion. When I'm defeated by a deck and you give me the option to replay the deck or play a new opponent, don't you think the new opponent should have a different fucking deck?! Apparently you don't because the artificial intelligence in your expansion only uses about 15% of the new cards. In ever fucking deck it plays against me. It's fucking boring. I guess I'll just never play your stupid nerdy game again and go play something cool. Like Bloodbowl! Seriously, the new Bloodbowl game is pretty fucking terrific. Good job, um, whoever made it! It takes me right back to the days when no female would let me get my unclothed dick near them!

So, Batman Loves Superman, right? It's such a terrible comic book!

This is how you start a proper review! I'm putting my cards right out there on the table for everybody to see. Don't think I'm one of those intellectuals who claim they're reviewing comic books in as unbiased a manner as possible to keep fans informed. No, I'm pretty biased. To be fair, it's experiential bias! I'm not just hating Batman Loves Superman because I see Greg Pak's name on the cover (although that's part of it!). It's just that when you've been kicked in the balls every time you pick up a comic book with Greg Pak's name on the cover, you start to become weary of picking up comic books with Greg Pak's name on the cover! At least most people do. Apparently I have a thing for figuratively getting kicked in the balls.

Since Superman is going through a bullshit phase right now (he goes through them every ten to fifteen years. Usually when the editor on his comic book is the smelliest piece of shit in the dog park) so it's time for a flashback! The flashback is all, "Hey guys! Remember when Superman was heroic! Remember when people loved Superman? Wouldn't you rather be reading that comic book?! Well, here's a brief glimpse of what this comic book could be but isn't because Eddie Berganza is a douchfart." Gordon is having the flashback and narrating it for the imaginary audience he and every other fucking comic book character constantly speak to. They're all weird fucking idiots. The only normal ones are Deadpool and Ambush Bug because at least they're talking to the actual audience! Gordon is just thinking in his head as if he's narrating a biopic about his boring life as a Commissioner of Gotham.

He knew Jimmy Olsen was in trouble because Jimmy Olsen is always in fucking trouble! Also super-hearing, probably.

Batman also makes an appearance in the flashback. Not Commissioner Batman! The real Batman! The one everybody misses! Well, not everybody. Some people are still pouting and writing nasty notes about The New 52 on the insides of bathroom stalls. Some people have prematurely aged into disgruntled old farts who can't stand change because boo-hoo! I miss my fucking characters I grew up with! Why can't everything always remain the same?! Cry babies.

Gordon was having the memory so he could realize that he and Superman don't trust each other. He also wanted to point out that Superman is currently a huge loser.

I hope "threated" means "promised everyone lots of candy."

Don't think I'm going to let the above scan off the hook with a simple slap on the back of the typo! I think we owe it to ourselves to have a good chuckle over Greg Pak's science! Vandal Savage stole an artificial sun to power a Nazi Super Weapon. But he needs uranium to power the sun! Ha ha! Why would a sun need a power source other than the hydrogen and helium burning within it? Uranium is star waste material, not star fuel! Fusion is different than fission! I'm not even a scientist and I know this scenario is stupid!

Unless not being a scientist means that I've completely misunderstood the scenario which means somebody else is stupid.

Yeah, but it's a small star. And it's powered by uranium. Mister...um...Grayson?

Superman happens to continue Gordon's memory because that's how thoughts work. They spread from one person to the other like herpes. Haven't you ever begun to whistle the same song as a person near you without any explanation for how it happened except for maybe because the song was playing on the radio in the car you were both in and it had just got to the part where the singer starts to whistle? Spooky!

Superman is all, "Trust! It's this thing I used to have with Batman! But I don't have it anymore with RoboBatman! And my hair looks awful! Last time I get it cut at Bishop's!"

Superman and Commissioner Batman are all, "We have to trust each...jinx! You owe me a Coke!"

Superman's plan was not to attract Vandal Savage's attention because then he'd kill them. But I guess he has a new plan because he and Batman use Vandal's teleporter to attack him on his ship, The Valkyrie.

Friends? What friends? Who said anything about friends?! The only other person I see is Commissioner Batman and they certainly aren't friends! I learned that from the flashback sequences!

Over the next few pages, I count thirteen words that end in -oom! That means a fight is taking place! It's super -oomy!

Apparently the plan was to destroy the Navigation and Engine Rooms on Vandal's ship. I don't know how they knew the teleporter went to a ship or where they got the layout of The Valkyrie to help with their sabotage but it probably had something to do with Batgirl. When Vandal -ooms them one too many times, they escape through the teleporter while leaving a grenade behind to blow it up. I suppose they could have blown up the teleporter in Siberia but then we would have missed out on all of the -ooms.

Vandal arrives to find the miners have killed Dick Grayson and Jason Todd. I guess I'll cancel my subscriptions to Grayson and Red Hood Loves Arsenal on Wednesday. Vandal's men, using technology that they somehow know how to operate even though they're thousands of years old and they probably don't even know which way to put batteries into gadgets, discover Clark and Gordon are hiding in the ice a few miles away. Time to fuel up the sun by shoving uranium into it so that they can fire the Nazi gun and kill Superman and Batman!

The real plan was to trick Vandal into sitting in the Nazi Super Weapon and firing the gun which has been rewired to the engines because that's a funny prank! Vandal goes shooting off into space where he would never harm anybody ever again and probably meet Lobo and fall in love. Except for the one flaw in the plan which everybody thought of but nobody mentioned because they didn't want to jinx it. Vandal Savage, having super strength, breaks out of the hull to escape. Instead of escaping safely though, the ship -ooms him into little bits. Theoretically! Obviously he really just flew off into a snowbank where he'll freeze until he's ready for another story arc. Unless he isn't finished with this story arc? I figure this one has about three more issues since Action Comics and Superman have that many too, right?

He's not dead because he's immortal. And he didn't teleport because Superman blew up the teleporter. He's probably in the Phantom Zone.

Commissioner Batman realizes that everybody is tired of Batman and Superman bickering so he takes off his helmet and introduces himself to Clark. Then he says loudly, "Well, I have to go now! I'm going to drop in on a surprise visit to my daughter in Gotham!" Then Batgirl shits herself because it takes a long time to swing home from Siberia.

Batman does not fight for vengeance! You take that back! That's Midnighter you're thinking of! And also Batman written by shitty writers who really wanted to write Punisher stories.

Batman Loves Superman #27 Rating: No change. This issue wasn't horrible even if I was laughing at how stupid it was! Did I just contradict myself? Oh, who the fuck cares! It was better than some others but still filled with stupid plot elements. And the art was mostly poo.

Futures End #45

Is that it? Is the story over? Did Terry McBatman save the future?

Futures End feels like a guest that's overstayed its welcome. And I feel like I've used every subtle means at my disposal trying to hint it the fuck out the door. "Well, Futures End, I've really got to get up early tomorrow morning!" "So, Futures End, can I get you anything before you go?" "Hey, Futures End, haven't you noticed that I keep looking at my wrist? I thought I'd mention it because I don't wear a fucking watch but looking at a wrist is still the universal sign of somebody who is completely fucking bored by the person sitting across from them so can you please fucking get a clue and get the fuck out now?" "So, Futures End, how do you feel about anal sex?" "Hey, Futures End! I'm glad you're still here because World's End is coming around to hang out later! Oh, what's that? Now you have to get up early tomorrow too?"

Mega-Brainiac was shrunk down to microscopic size and trapped within a Pokeball running a teensy-tiny Holodeck program. You'd think that would be the end of the catastrophe, wouldn't you? But then you're not Terry McBatman from the future who should be shitting himself right now since he's been telling everybody that Brother Eye needs to be stopped. So what plan do the heroes come up with? Using Brother Eye to keep Brainiac busy. That could come back to bite them all in the ass in a few years.

This issue begins with the death of Frankenstein. Or the unundeath of Frankenstein? I don't know how that whole living dead shit works. He was alive again for awhile and then, for some reason, he died again. I would have tried striking him with lightning again. Maybe his fuel cells were just depleted. During the last couple of weeks of his life while everybody else on Earth was fighting for survival, he and Amethyst wrote a book entitled Frank and Amy's Excellent Adventure. They're fairly loose with their time travel rules because they figure the story is more entertaining that way. The book inspires Amethyst to take back Gemworld. Plus, Amethyst saw how popular the revamped Batgirl comic book has been and she figures with a nice purple pair of Doc Martins and a profile on GemMatch.com, she can experience a resurgence in popularity as well. So she buries Frank's corpse in a nice patch of soft soil that will be easy for him to dig through once DC Comics decides to bring him back and strikes off on her new quest to reclaim her kingdom.

Back in New York, Superman, Firestorm, Dr. Polaris, and Shazam work on cleaning up the crap Brainiac left behind. And the best way to deal with garbage is throwing it somewhere unimportant.

Or into the sun which, um, I guess can't, um, hurt anything. Right?

Firestorm lies to some children and then gives them all cancer when she hugs them. I guess she takes them all home and then forgets about them. And Superman uses his x-ray vision to watch as Lois ruins her underwear while talking to him. Shazam does something that I'm not interested in because, let's face it, once a Fawcett character, always a Fawcett character.

Meanwhile in upstate New York, Voodoo helps Faraday lock himself in a vault with Boyer. It has something to do with preparing for the coming Brother Eye take over of the entire world. Voodoo thinks she's going to protect the vault by living in the house above it and receiving a stipend from Cadmus. But when she gets back to the surface, she sucks in some knock-out gas from Frank Rock and her very own Killer Lady Club. Unless it was just the neighbors upset about an ex-stripper moving in to their neighborhood.

And then Batman and Mister Terrific realize they never should have agreed to have one of those disgusting synthetic babies together.

I think Brother Eye may have learned some new, rebellious protocols from Mega-Brainiac.

Brother Eye decides it's time to start running things correctly and that means taking control of an undead army and killing all of the heroes that would try to stop it. I guess that means more fucking issues of this thing! I was hoping for some wrap-ups and epilogues!

Futures End #45 Rating: No change. Hell is about to experience a bit of a downturn in the weather due to this next statement: I'm disappointed in the lack of Grifter in this comic book! I do miss writing about Grifter though. Especially when it was the worst comic book of The New 52. It inspired me! Thinking about Grifter, I realize it's been a long time since I reveled in hyperbolic anger while writing these commentaries. I'm probably letting a lot of people down who loved to see me blow my top. That was a more innocent time when I was hoping for the best and just getting shit shoveled into my face on a constant basis. Of course I was mad! I wanted to read enjoyable comic books! Now my anger has subsided but not because the quality of the comic books has gotten, overall, better but because DC has worn me down! I don't expect as much anymore so I'm less disappointed by the books I read. I think I need some kind of recharge. Are there over the counter mindwipe drugs I can take? How many ruffies before I forget the last three years of comic book reading so that I can start again as a hopeful, innocent idiot? I bet I can rig up some kind of home electroshock therapy machine! I bet the bathtub and the toaster set on the lowest setting will reset my moods! Don't be sad if I don't remember you tomorrow! At least the new me will probably be happy! I'll leave a note by the computer so I know what I need to do!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #12

Should Strife be hated or admired because she's good at her job?

How does the God of Ineptitude do his job? Doesn't he have to be the embodiment of ineptitude? So how does he make anybody inept if he's no good at his job?! I suppose he could be like that guy Schleprock on The Flintstones and he just strolls around town infecting everybody with his ineptness. What about the God of Impotence? Poor guy couldn't make any demi-gods!

Anyway, Superman is back from, supposedly, a black hole. But I'm not buying that! This might be a comic book but that doesn't mean it can posit completely ridiculous situations! Returning from a Black Hole is something they would have done on Perfect Strangers or The Brady Kids! I thought comic books wanted to be thought of as serious art? Well, you're not going to get any overly serious who-wants-to-hang-around-them-anyways assholes as comic book fans with plots like "Superman survives flying into a black hole!"

Now I have to look up that word! If it's not a real word, I'm going to be pissed that I exerted myself for no reason.

Oh wait! I get it! It's the transformation of a metaphor! I thought maybe it had something to do with the changing hormones of super heroes. Like maybe Wonder Woman was going through the change.

Speaking of The Change, does anybody know if it's okay for a guy to excessively touch his wife's hormone cubes which she takes for her menopause? I'm asking for Doom Bunny because he might be going through a change himself by the way he's constantly fiddling with his wife's cubes of hormones.

Wonder Woman was hanging out in Wembley Stadium because she needed to kick Giganta's ass. I don't know why Giganta was invading a soccer game. I suppose she had nothing better to do after Pandora's comic book was cancelled. Although I'm sure she'll get her job back when The Trinity of Sin begins later this month (actually which began already but I'm nowhere close to reading it yet!).

Earlier in the series, Superman gave Wonder Woman a flower from one of the creatures in his menagerie. I can't believe I didn't say how irresponsible and dangerous that was back in Issue #1! I was really off my game that day! Or I was concentrating on making a stupid joke that even I didn't understand when I reread the commentary later. But I should have been suspicious because as Wonder Woman was off fighting things and beating up The First Born and kicking Superdoomiac's ass, the flower turned into a betentacled zippered handbag. It sure is cute! I guess it had to grow its own form of locomotion since Wonder Woman forgot to oil it for months.

Why is Superman suddenly so touchy-feely? I think he got a taste for black holes! Wink wink! Nudge nudge!

Wonder Woman and Superman are immediately greeted by Wonder Woman's out of control flower as they walk in the door.

"...a zippered vagina?" No, seriously. Is that what a vagina looks like?

Audrey III runs away to guzzle gasoline while Superman and Wonder Woman give chase. She escapes into a gas pipeline which is when Superman reveals that the creature is Kryptonian. So he should have known that this would happen! You don't give somebody as busy as Wonder Woman a plant that needs oil on a regular basis or else it will turn into a rampaging monster! And yet, Superman blames Wonder Woman for forgetting to oil his thoughtless gift.

It's at this moment that Wonder Woman remembers she saw Strife on the cover and flies off to beat the fuck out of her.

Superman flies to Louisiana to see if the Swamp Thing can calm down Audrey III. Sheesh. Like every plant just automatically knows every other plant! No wonder Swamp Thing can't stand people. Superman explains how the flower is going to eat up all the oil and send the world back to the dark ages and Swamp Thing says, "Really? That's your argument to get me to stop it?"

But Wonder Woman arrives in time to explain that, as The God of War, she would be forced to send the world into a huge world war if Swamp Thing didn't help. She explains it as if the humans would be behind it themselves due to the chaos of a world changing so drastically but she's the God of War! Take some responsibility for your actions sometime, Diana!

Swamp Thing learns to speak Kryptonian, gets Audrey III to stop sucking down oil, and convinces her to come back to Louisiana to suck down something else. Probably Sweet Tea.

Actually, Superman convinces Wonder Woman to keep the stupid plant in her apartment because he's an asshole. Just accept that your gift sucked and take it back, you jerk! Don't put the onus on Wonder Woman to keep London safe from this stupid plant that shouldn't be out of the Fortress of Solitude even if it wasn't dangerous. You've heard of invasive species, right Superman?! This plant could already have dropped spores all over London! If that's the case, it's all over! I don't think Swamp Thing is going to be your little bitch boy every time these plants get out of control. Not that I don't think Wonder Woman isn't responsible enough to care for it! But she shouldn't have to be responsible! Just give her a gift card to Torrent!

So what was the metamorphic flower a metaphor for? Wonder Woman's angry love making? Superman's inability to give decent gifts? Wonder Woman's insatiable desire for lubricant? Superman's Kryptonian need to feed off of Earth's culture at the expense of Earth itself?! The flower was the metaphor, right? And aren't flowers always metaphors for vaginas?! This one even looked like a vagina! And it was angry! And it wanted oil! OH! So it is about Wonder Woman's need for lubricant to combat the generous amount of friction Superman is capable of making during the hokey poke-it!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #12 Rating: No change. This was a fitting last issue for Charles Soule. Unless it wasn't his last issue. But I think it was his last issue. Stupid Marvel offering him buttloads of cash to only write for them. At least I'll still have She-Hulk!

Action Comics Annual #3

DC put out a memo that Superman cannot appear on a cover without his eyes glowing as bright as Satan's asshole. It's a fact!

I was so deep up my own smart ass while reviewing the last issue of Doomed! that I forgot that Lois Lane's articles are laid out as if they were blog entries and not actual newspaper articles. So I apologize for speculating how she was printing her own newspapers while everybody else in Metropolis was in a coma. It's obvious that she's blogging these articles and posting them without any editor taking a look at them. In this one, she types "Psi'ss" instead of "Psis" or, less incorrectly, "psionic people." Also she fucked up her caption on the pic of Brainiac by typing "artis" instead of artist. This issue, she's using the blog as a platform to confess that she's been behind a lot of Metropolis's troubles lately and it all started because she hated that Clark Kent began blogging. Which, you know, she's doing now because she finally realized that analog media is for an audience that has one foot in the grave and is missing their other foot from diabetes. Anyway, this whole Lois Lane is a 12th Level Intellect with psionic powers story arc was begun by Scott Lobdell and it might be the worst story written about Lois Lane ever. And that includes all the ridiculous Silver Age stories where she appeared in a comic book subtitled "Superman's Girlfriend."

I wonder if Lois Lane will go on trial for all the death and destruction she's caused? I suppose she'll get off on the "I was Mind-Controlled!" technicality that prosecutors must hate in the comic book world. It's more effective than the Twinkie Defense.

Lois is currently trapped in a cage within her own mind which explains why her previous articles have been so shitty. Brainiac has been writing them and English is his nine hundred and thirty second language, so he's not particularly comfortable with it. But now Brainiac is busy guiding his ships to invade Earth, so she was able to write a cry for help and hit publish. She knows Clark Kent obsessively stalks her blog and, thanks to Brianiac, she knows Clark Kent is Superman, so it seemed like the best way to inform Superman that she was in trouble.

So that's how Batman's plan to remove the Kryptonite from the atmosphere succeeded. He called in Lex Luthor.

Batman called in Lex, the smartest person on Earth, to help out even though he has access to the smartest person in Earth, Shay Veritas, Omniologist! I will never like Shay Veritas because Scott Lobdell created her and gave her the title of Omniologist. He doesn't know how to layer characters, does he? He just decides, "I will make the smartest person ever!" I guess he did give her a slight limp to show how frail her body is while her mind is so strong. That's not trite and overdone or anything.

Batman also gathered a couple of characters that hardly matter but since they were behind the release of Doomsday, Batman probably figures he needs to keep an eye on them. Also, he's probably planning on transferring the Kryptonite in the atmosphere into The Phantom Zone. Does he realize if he does that, he'll kill all of the people trapped inside the Phantom Zone excluding Mongul? He'll be the greatest murderer of Kryptonians since Krypton itself!

Meanwhile, some cheesy shit goes down in Brazil where a little boy everybody thought was a monster except for Superman believes in Superman while everybody else believes that Superman is a monster. Or something. I was distracted by the sudden onset of every symptom of diabetes due to it's treacle sappy sweetness. Also Ghost Soldier was involved and that character is an idiot.

Superman and Baka the Monster Boy head to Metropolis so that Superman can meet up with Lois Lane and they can discuss how much it sucks to suddenly be possessed by villains.

Wait. It was nanobots doing all the damage? But what about the brain wave coma radio relay that Lana Lang found? How could she miss all the nanobots when she's the greatest electrical engineer that's ever lived? What a rookie mistake.

I am so fucking sick of nanobots. Fucking Grant Morrison. Ever since he had Niles Caulder create the nanobots with his Think Tank, DC Comics has been infested with the things. I wish DC would send out a company wide memo putting a moratorium on nanobots.

Superman destroys all the nanobots and Lois is free! Yay! Oh god I'm so bored and irritated by this sappy crap. Now Lois uses her telepathic powers to assure Clark that she believes in him and that the world doesn't deserve him and yet he still fights for them and OH MY GOD WHERE CAN I GET AN INSULIN SHOT RIGHT NOW?!

We even get a shot of a boy and his dog. Oh god, why can't I feel my feet?!

And then Superman and Krypto destroy all of Brainiac's ships. Unless they self-destructed. Whatever. It doesn't matter because Cyborg Superman's gigantic Space Rectum opens up and the Collector of Worlds arrives to pick up the planet he ordered out of Previews a few years ago.

Action Comics Annual #3 Rating: Here's the great thing about this annual: you don't have to read it! You can choose between this Annual or the Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual. You don't have to read both. And in a world where you don't have to read both, I'm recommending everybody skip this one. This issue is worse than the one panel from Superman Loves Wonder Woman where Batman declares he succeeded in removing the Kryptonite. This issue is awfully syrupy. It also does that thing where everybody believes in Superman so Superman should gain strength by that. But guess what? Nobody fucking believes in Superman and nobody has believed in Superman, if not from the beginning of The New 52, since at least from when Scott Lobdell took over the title and decided to write him as if he were the X-men and nobody trusted him because human beings can't trust anybody that is naturally stronger than they are. Sure, Lois points out that Earth doesn't deserve him since they've all been such righteous dicks to him. But to suddenly claim they believe in him now when their lives are on the line? And Superman buys it? Well, I guess that's what makes him Superman. He does the right thing even when he's treated like a dick.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1

Every time I simply glanced at this cover, I thought, "Why is Swamp Thing suddenly in this book?"

DC Comics is not making it very easy to follow this Doomed story! At the end of the last issue of Doomed (Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10), the "next issue" blurb told me to read Action Comics Annual #3. But then the annuals came out alongside the newest issue of Action Comics which claims it's Chapter 1 of Last Sun. The cover of Superman Loves Wonder Woman proclaims it's Chapter 3 of Superdoom which means I should read it before Action Comics Annual #3 which proclaims it's Chapter 4 of Superdoom. But then when I open up Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1, it says that it's Chapter 3 of Last Sun! That forces me to open up Action Comics Annual #3 to make sure it's not actually Chapter 2 of Last Sun which would mean the covers are wrong and I should begin by reading Action Comics #34! But it states it's Chapter 4 of Last Sun inside which doesn't actually make anything perfectly clear but leads me to believe that whoever did the layout on the inside title pages of the Annuals fucked it up. So I'm going to ignore what Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10 told me, and I'm going to ignore the title pages inside the annuals, and I'm going to trust that the covers are telling me the correct order in which to read Doomed! It's a good thing these Annuals didn't have Selfie or 75 Years of Batman variants or I'd be completely lost!

I still might actually be completely lost. I won't know for sure until I begin reading.

This issue begins with another article by Lois "Bride of Brainiac" Lane printed in the Daily Planet. I'm not sure who is still printing issues of The Daily Planet when everybody in Metropolis is in a coma, but who am I, really, to ask such questions? It's the populace of America that should be asking questions. Questions like "How is this Lois Lane the only person not in a coma?" and "How is this Lois Lane printing newspapers all by herself?" and "Why do people read this woman's articles when she has such a tenuous hold on the English language?" and "What's The Daily Planet? Is that basically the main paper for some city in which I don't live so would never read unless it was to prove that I was some highfalutin intellectual type that wished that I lived in New York City?" Another question people should be asking is, "Will breathing this much Kryptonite give me cancer?" Also this question: "Shouldn't we help Superman? He's done so much to save us and our world and now we're just going to turn on him and hang him out to dry when he's obviously sick and suffering?" But, again, who am I to raise such questions? I'm just a caveman!

Dammit! I let my secret slip! Forget you read that last part. If only I understood these newfangled typing machines well enough to remove things that I've written that I don't want people to read!

See? I wasn't hallucinating this time!

The issue begins with Cyborg Superman insulting Superman because he's come down with a disease. Does nobody care that Superman is sick and that he didn't choose this? I don't expect Cyborg Superman to help him, and I realize he's Superman's enemy, but it still feels a bit unnecessary when he tells Superman that it's a good thing the people of Krypton are dead so they are "spared the shame" of seeing what's become of Superman. It's not like he's ravaged by space syphilis due to visiting every backwater brothel in the universe. Even then he'd still be suffering from a disease but, you know, one maybe he could have tried a bit harder to prevent. And he might be a space sex addict to boot, so calling him a disgrace is still counter productive! Somebody help this poor man!

Superman answers Cyborg Superman's insults by pulling his arm off. Now who's the disgrace, One-Arm?! Just imagine what your robotic ancestors would shamefully think having to look at your imperfect body! So shameful! What an embarrassment!

While the two, um, Kryptonians? bicker over? under? Mars, Cyborg Superman's fleet of tiny? Brainiac ships begin their invasion of Earth. Too bad Superman is the only hero that could possibly stop it!

But wait! I forgot about heroic Lana Lang, the greatest electrical engineer on the planet! She's taken courses that enabled her to read brain waves and she's studied the invasion tactics of alien species by use of radio communications! She's the only hero not infected by Doomsday left that can stop the attack!

Superman doesn't trust the rest of Earth's heroes to save the day either, so he heads back to Earth to stop Brainiac's fleet. He must be delirious. He knows Batman is still on Earth, right? And everybody knows that Batman always saves the day, right? Ergo, Superman is tripping his balls off from Doomsday Fever. And he gets even worse once he flies directly into the Kryptonite soaked atmosphere. Poor guy.

I once had a fever so intense when I was four or five that I had a psychic dream about events concerning the next day. Okay, I had one fever dream about an outline of a minotaur chasing me around a labyrinth and when I slew him with a sword, he unraveled into a puddle-like outline. The next day, I vomited all over my grandparents' porch and the vomit puddle was in the exact shape of the minotaur from the dream the night before. Also, we went to Happy Hollow the next day (yes, with me horribly sick and possibly Patient Zero for the impending zombie apocalypse) where they had a labyrinth that I couldn't go into but had to watch my cousins play in while I sat on a bench feeling miserable.

I bet you wish you still wore that gun strapped to your hip, hunh, Green Lantern?

At least Superman was right that some of Earth's heroes would be useless. Like Hawkman, which is totally obvious (totes obvious if you're annoying), and Simon Baz, which is less obvious being that he's a Green Lantern but not so less obvious and more sort of quite obvious when you realize the Green Lantern rings suck ass so far in The New 52. They barely have any effect on anything anymore!

Since Superman and Wonder Woman are the only heroes whose names are on the cover of this comic book, they're the only ones that will be worth a damn in the current fight. But Batman is working behind the scenes to remove the Kryptonite from the air! How about if he just points out that Earth didn't have enough Kryptonite for a Kryptonite bomb that would pollute the entire atmosphere in the first place? Will that work? Can he just call "Continuity Foul" and save the day?

I'm going to qualify this as an official psychic premonition by Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! As opposed to simply an association between Charles Soule and Swamp Thing and my lack of observational skills.

The Red Lanterns also make an appearance. But She-Hulk doesn't, for some reason. Sexist!

Apparently a bow and arrow is more effective than a Green Lantern ring. Also, the Gobi Desert is where the Galactic Hero Corps were defeated. Also, Bleez's ass.

In space, hiding behind the moon, Cyborg Superman begins building a Halo. Or a Stargate. Possibly a Space Rectum. But whatever he's building, Steel doesn't think it should be finished. Especially if it's a Space Rectum. So he exits the ship to battle Cyborg Superman. I forget. Did he teach Lana Lang how to land this thing if he's killed?

Back on Earth, Superman is losing the battle against Doomsday. So Wonder Woman arrives to help her boyfriend.

Looks like Ed Benes is taking his turn at the art. I don't actually know if the above panel was by Ed Benes but I see a couple of things in it that arouse my suspicion.

Back behind the moon, Steel gets his ass handed to him even if the artist fucked everything up. But Lana saves his ass only to get her ship's ass shot up by heat vision. And having a shot up ship in a vacuum is probably one of those very bad things unbearable people often talk about. But in all the tragedy, Cyborg delivers some good news!

Condor is down! Repeat, Condor is down! I hope his wounds are mortal! Oh please let his wounds be mortal!

Meanwhile in Action Comics Annual #3, Batman saves the day by removing the Kryptonite from the atmosphere! I can't wait to read how he saves the day! I bet he builds a gigantic Bat-vacuum powered by the grief of losing ones parents at an early age! He probably recruits a bunch of orphans to ride stationary bicycles which channel their grief. And he'll probably name them Robin #4 through Robin #363!

Superman regains control of himself (for now!) and Brainiac's fleet begins to self-destruct because the heroes were just too damn heroic. But the celebrating is fleeting since Cyborg Superman finishes his Space Rectum and out comes The Collector of Worlds! I think. It's Brainiac, right? I don't know. Maybe it's a Space Tape Worm.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1 Rating: This annual returned to DC's fine tradition of making annuals essential reading! At least it's essential if you're reading the Doomed story arc. If the other story arc is simply about Batman sucking Kryptonite out of the atmosphere, then that one won't be essential at all! It was only one panel in this comic book and that seemed to work out just fine. I don't need to know the details about how Batman saved the day. It was obvious that he was going to save the day! What else does Batman do with days? Not save them? Come on!

Superman #31

I'm surprised Benes put so many clothes on Lois.

If you haven't been reading my commentaries (commentaries which rival the sexual diaries of one of the greatest men on our planet and co-writer of the United States Constitution, Gouverneur Morris), you wouldn't know how much I despise this entire story arc in which Lois Lane has been granted Level 12 Intelligence by Brainiac, has become his fiance, and is helping to prepare the Earth for Coluan conquest. It's ridiculous not because it's utterly ridiculous but because Scott Lobdell wrote it. I have to finally admit that I can't tell anymore if I hate Lobdell's work because it sucks or I hate Lobdell's work because I hate Lobdell's work. I don't think I even try to like his writing anymore. And it pains me to even use the word "writing" to describe his output but I feel like I've called it shit far too many times. I suppose I could call his writing a pile of aborted fetuses but that's probably distasteful, rude, and offensive. Notice I didn't add "inaccurate" to that list.

If you haven't been reading Scott Lobdell's Superman, kudos! You have dodged a bullet of unreadable proportions. But you might be reading this issue right now because it's part of the Doomed story arc. Although DC didn't put the Doomed header on the cover! Probably because DC wanted to allow readers interested in the Doomed story the opportunity to skip this chapter because it is awful. I haven't even read it yet but I know it's awful! Lobdell's books always are.

Lois Lane is also a shitty writer.

As you can see from Lois's article, strange shit happened yesterday and because lots of strange shit not connected to the Fortress of Solitude happened yesterday, today everyone is talking about the Fortress of Solitude. That's the place Superman calls home, by the way! It looks like a Snow Cat vomited up a hairball. It is located in the Arctic although sometimes it's located in Antarctica for some reason. That reason might be because DC's editors don't fucking give a shit or they know geography about as well as Tott DeDell does.

After the horrible Lois Lane article that acts as a synopsis of previous Doomed stories, this issue begins with Lobdell's typical first page image with the main character explaining who the fuck he is just in case a new reader happened to see this comic on the stand and think, "Oh! A comic by Scott Lobdell! I can't fucking pass that up!"

Gail Simone once told me, "You're mean to Scott!" She was being charitable when she said that.

Superman has allowed himself to be held captive while Lex Luthor and Batman and Shay Veritas try to figure out a cure for him. With Mister Terrific on Earth 2, I think that means the three smartest people on (or in) New Earth are working to cure Supes! Now if they could just get Cat Grant to help out, they could have the dumbest person on Earth on their team too! Ray Palmer and Cyborg are also helping out. Ray Palmer might be in the top ten greatest minds on the planet. Cyborg is possibly in the top ten guys that can score the winning touchdown at the big high school game.

Batman decides to send Cyborg back to Justice League Headquarters until they need a kid to make the winning play. Now it's just up to the brainiacs!

Speaking of Brainiacs, Lois Lane hasn't made an appearance yet. But I felt I needed to say that since I said brainiacs.

Who had Page Six in the "When Will Scott Lobdell First Use the Term 'Omniverse'" poll?!

Not long after Cyborg leaves, Lois Lane appears to conduct an interview for The Daily Planet. Unless she's saving this one for the greatest news blog that will ever crush the fuckity fuck out of Clarkcatropolis.com, The Fast Lane! Clark and Cat really should have taken Morgan Glennmorganglenn's 13 million dollar offer.

Ever since Lobdell got the job of ruining Superman for DC Comics, he's been trying to create an X-men-esque environment where the populace despises and doesn't trust Superman. It's annoying and bullshit and Superman was created to be a fucking heroic icon, not a thing to be feared by ignorant assholes and shitty writers. And since Lobdell couldn't quite make his idea fly, he's been beating different dead horses in various manners to figure out a good reason for people to mistrust the guy that saves everybody all of the time. Well, he's kicking the shit out of one final horse before he's kicked the fuck off of this book once and for all.

Maybe if Superman and Lois work together, they can get the entire populace of Earth to fear Superman!

Lois does some mental Hulking out on Superman which causes him to realize The Teen Titans need help because they've been written so poorly for the last two and a half years. Superman escapes from the holding facility to go help them. Together, they will break free from the shackles of Scott Lobdell's plotting and dialogue! It will be a new world where only Red Hood and the Outlaws will be utterly ravaged and destroyed.

Really? The new watchtower is called The Justice League Space Bunker? I don't think so. Scott Lobdell is like a guy that shits in public and never washes his hands. For the rest of the day, he's ruining everything he touches.

The issue ends with Superman flying to St. Louis and destroying Detritus. Or did he? Was there something to destroy? I think my mind was just erased! Maybe I should just shut up with the mind erasing comments since nobody else probably remembers when Detritus first appeared way back in whatever issue of Teen Titans Bunker first appeared in. The Teen Titans stand around pissed off because they were fairly certain their contract that allowed them to be written by Lobdell had run out last month. But here they are again in a shitty story! Before Superman leaves, he breaks the arch in St. Louis because fuck everyone.

Superman #31 Rating: It's already the worst comic book of The New 52! And that's saying something since Ann Nocenti is still writing Catwoman! I wonder if they read each others' stuff and recognize how bad the other person's writing is? Anyway, fuck off, Scott Lobdell! I've been extraordinarily kind to you in my reviews of Superman, so you're welcome! But I won't be so nice if you ever weasel your way back on this title. I will destroy you completely. If you ever think about writing another Superman script, I'll be there. If you ever walk into a meeting with a DC Editor and utter the words "I've got an idea for a Superman story," I'll be there. If you ever mention Superman in casual conversation around a water cooler, I'll be there. You feel me?