Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #3

I hope this ends in weird sex.

The Justice League are now Amanda Waller's prisoners. This happened because a writer is writing this and it doesn't have to depend on facts or what would actually happen if superheroes were real. I know you're thinking, "Tess, since they're not real, how can you purport to know what would actually happen if Joshua Williamson wasn't directing the action?" To that I reply, "Don't question me, you stupid asshole!"

If you're wondering where I learned to debate so well, I'll tell you. One of my closest friends in high school, Soy Rakelson (that's not his real name! It's been changed to protect Roy Sakelson's identity!), was a conservative religious fellow. He taught me a lot about arguing because he argued a lot. The main things I learned were to never actually debate things point by point, always accuse the other person of believing the thing that you really want to argue against, and always direct the argument toward one of your pre-made logic traps that they will totally fall into so that you can say, "A-ha! So you admit the thing I believe and think you should believe too!" The only problem is that he wasn't very good at camouflaging his traps so you could see them from a mile away and nobody ever fell into them. But now, after spending so many years debating Soy, I've become fantastic at debating! That's why I totally won that pretend debate in the first paragraph against a pretend person.

While Amanda Waller gloats, Rick Flag and Katana are investigating The Catacombs. That's the Super Duper High Tech Cosmic Prison where Max Lord found his new friends, the Super Duper Suicide Squad. They'll probably find some clues which will give Amanda Waller a great idea to team up the Suicide Squad with the Justice League. Everybody knows the "vs" will eventually become an "us". I don't mean it literally so that the title reads "Justice League us Suicide Squad." I meant it in a cutesy figurative way that if you understood it, I applaud you. If you were confused, remember that stupid asshole comment? Go read it again!

Back at Belle Reve, Batman escapes from the Hannibal Lecter suit Amanda Waller has put him in. Then she's all, "Oh, oh! I knew you were going to escape but I thought you would have done it so much earlier. I was just having some fun! You know I wouldn't intentionally harm the Justice League! I'm a sweet lady, Bru...er, bats! Remember we're pals! Um, put that boomerang away!"

It's the Justice League so my fangender brain is disappointed that they were defeated so easily. But the other part of my fangender brain is screaming, "You fucking tell that Batjerk, Amanda!"

Later there's some comedy between the Suicide Squad and the Justice League that just isn't funny. It's not terrible writing or anything! It's just sort of "Yeah, yeah. I get it. Harley is supposed to be funny. The other characters laughing is a big clue." Then Superman has a touching moment with Killer Frost where I'm all, "Yeah, yeah! I get this isn't funny because nobody is laughing. I guess it's sweet, maybe? Or Superman being inspirational?" But then Deadshot interrupts because he's even more cynical than I am.

When has Deadshot ever seen anybody in the Squad die?! In this context, "survivors" has the exact same definition as "Suicide Squad members."

Max Lord and his Super Duper Suicide Squad head to an island in the South Pacific to pick up one last member of the team. The story treats it like a big mystery, as if the reveal is going to be spectacular! Except the reveal was already revealed in DC's ginormous pull-out poster advertisement. They're getting Eclipso. Now let's move on with the story!

Back at Belle Reve, Amanda releases the Justice League after speaking with Batman. She's shown him the Black Box footage from The Catacombs prison break and Batman has decided the Justice League should see the footage. Because they should probably stop this threat even if it means working with the Suicide Squad.

How is this guy a threat?! Wook at how adowable he is! Jus' wook at 'im! Who's my cutesy-wootsy Wobo?!

I fucking hope to Hell Twat Lobo never makes another appearance in the DC Universe ever again. Unless, of course, it's so Real Deal Lobo can kick his stupid fucking ass.

Max Lord appears on the security footage and Preboot Superman recognizes him. He gets really fucking angry too! Because Max Lord killed one of Superman's best ever buddies, Ted Kord! They were practically the closest friends ever. Aside from Booster Gold being Blue Beetle's best friend, of course! And aside from the fact that Superman probably never took him too seriously. But I think Max Lord called Lois Lane a cunt once as well, so Clark might be upset about that.

Amanda Waller reveals the reason the Super Duper Suicide Squad wants to kill her: they were the first Suicide Squad. Wow! Sometimes people refer to a concept known as "going overboard" and I think this might be the most overboardiest anybody has ever gone! That's a lot of fucking power to deal with international political bullshit. And how the hell did Amanda get her hands on these killers? I can guess at Rustam but the rest? Maybe Emerald Empress fell out of a Time Bubble with amnesia and was easy to manipulate. And I guess Doctor Polaris is sort of a normal villain but he's Super Duper because he's so similar to Magneto and Marvel has spent decades proving that Magneto is the most powerful human "villain" in their universe. And I guess she could have just hired Lobo! And Johnny Sorrow might have just been writing sad poems when Amanda was all, "Hey, Johnny Truant? I've got your meaning of life right here!" So, yeah, I guess this Squad's origin is totally explainable!

The Review
+1 Ranking. I'm so happy that Real Deal Lobo is back that this book could have been written by Ann Nocenti and I would be excited. Although now I'm sort of wishing it had been written by Ann Nocenti because I miss her incomprehensible dialogue and her inability to actually write the story she tells people she's writing in interviews. Why was I so hard on her?! You never know what you've got until it's gone! My sweet, sweet Ann!

Justice League #7

I wish Superman wasn't in the way. I want to see who is fucking Cyborg from behind.

Currently, the Justice League believe they have saved the world. But whatever they think they've saved the world from seems to have infected the world. I don't think it's Red Dawn yet even though everybody is getting angry because this story is called "State of Anger" and not "Red Dawn." Calling it "Red Dawn" would have been a total giveaway. Everybody is so angry for no reason that last issue ended with Superman pushing himself away from his family's dinner table and declaring, "I have to go kill The Batman now!" It's a good thing Batman doesn't trust any of the other Justice League members and most likely has all of their domiciles bugged! Now he'll probably be waiting in the Batcave in his Anti-Superman Suit with the Red Sun Brass Knuckles and the Kryptonite Strap-on.

Apparently Batman is too busy dealing with his Survivor's Guilt to hear the "Superman is Finally Coming to Kill You" alarm going off like crazy behind him. How is it that Bruce Wayne spent years traveling around the world becoming proficient in every kind of fighting style, learning every kind of crime scene investigation technique, and studying every bullshit mystical mental technique but never went to a therapist to deal with the trauma of surviving that night in the alley and watching his parents die? Now he thinks he's responsible for every death on the planet because why should he, The Batman, live when other people die?! How fair is that?! Also, he spent dozens of years training to stop death and he still hasn't defeated it! What a failure.

Bruce does end his pity party by thinking "My punishment is coming," so maybe he did hear the "Superman is Finally Coming to Kill You" alarms going off like crazy behind him. And immediately after he thinks that, Superman crashes through the Batcave wall and begins to strangle Bruce. Geez, Superman! Once again, you're proving Batman's point that you're way too dangerous to be allowed to live. How many times is Batman going to allow you to be manipulated by some villain before he just puts you down? You can only use the excuse "He usually doesn't bite!" four or five times after your dog mauls four or five children before you're forced to put it down. Maybe even just one time! Or none even!

Why would Superman think Batman would suddenly be responsible for his family if Clark died? And where did all this anger come from?! Did something happen between Lois and Bruce that demands a flashback?! A really detailed flashback?!

Meanwhile, Wonder Woman and Aquaman are having a strange conversation on a beach as they pull a sunken aircraft carrier out of the ocean. Aquaman is all, "I could destroy the world if I wanted too!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Me too! I could totally do it!" And Aquaman is all, "One more fish fucking joke and they'll see!" And Wonder Woman is all, "One more comment about somebody 'wondering' what's under my skirt, and they'll see!" I wish they'd both say, at the same time, "And fuck that Batman!"

Wonder Woman and Aquaman conclude that, since they're royalty, it's their right to take over the world and force them to be less violent. The only problem is that Aquaman and Wonder Woman are never going to agree on how the world should be run after they take it over. Didn't they read Flashpoint?

Because Cyborg and Simon Baz are part of the Justice League, the story wastes a few pages on what they're going through too. It's not worth talking about. I mean, Cyborg is as boring as vanilla ice cream. And Simon Baz is as boring as a container of vanilla ice cream that barely has anything but frost left in it that your stupid sibling put it back in the freezer and you later took it out because you wanted some ice cream and saw it was empty and then didn't even really care because, enh, vanilla!

Back at the exciting fight between Superman and Batman, Batman tells Superman that he wants him to kill him. That's when Superman stops killing Batman because Batman is always telling Superman what to do and Superman is sick of it. He screams in frustration and then they both sit down to figure out why they're flipping the fuck out. But first, nobody's checked in on Barry and Jess's date!

It seems to be going fine.

The Justice League is being ruled by their fear now because some disembodied voice keeps whispering in their ears and infecting them with fear and paranoia. They're all just dealing with their fears differently. But while most of the League are just shutting down because their fears are personal, Aquaman and Wonder Woman are going to take over the world because they have a fear of trusting people. That's probably going to put the Justice League in a terrible place after this story is over. It's okay to sort of let them do their thing when they're saving the world from weird space threats and godlike existential horrors hellbent on using the Earth to destroy existence. But when they decide to save the world from itself by forcing nations to do what they want? That's way out of line! I can't see how Aquaman and Wonder Woman aren't going to be hunted down as supervillains after this story. I guess Batman can just call a press conference and explain it all away. "Sorry! Sorry! We all just had some bad oysters! We're cool now!"

Jessica manages to drive the Fear Thing away because she's a Green Lantern and Barry reminds her that being a Green Lantern is about overcoming great fear. He learned that from Hal Jordan who could never stop reminding everybody about how good he was at overcoming fear. But after the Fear Thing is gone, Jessica points out that they're all going to have to live with what just happened because the Fear Thing didn't implant those fears in them; they were already there! So this story was more like the Buffy musical episode, "Once More With Feeling," than I even suspected when mentioning it last commentary. They've all exposed their fears to each other and to the world and now everything is going to be super awkward!

Jessica decides to quit the League because who needs two Green Lanterns in the Justice League? That's just overkill! They've got their own comic book for that kind of mass Green Lantern action.

The Ranking!
-1! I don't give a shit about these stories where the writer is all, "Aha! I've got a way to make the heroes look more human by exposing their secret fears!" It's not even really a shortcut to character building. What it feels like to me is how when somebody makes a subtle joke where the humor is in the subtlety and then somebody decides to repeat the joke but in a blatant way and that person thinks they're the one who came up with the joke? I hate that shit. This is that shit.

Justice League #4

Come on, Front Cover Blurb! There's no "Superman" in "Team"!

The Facts!
• The world is coming to an end and nobody actually cares. Mostly because they've all formed up into gigantic human meat puppets and gone on a trip to Canada. But even though it looks like humans have joined together and decided on taking some kind of action to defend the Earth, the Justice League has decided they don't like how regular folk are going about it and they're going to stop them. I suppose whenever somebody does something that you think is wrong, it's best to simply assume they've been mind-controlled. Usually Batman would advise the Justice League to stay out of international politics. But then Batman is better at judging situations than I am. He probably noticed how everybody was suddenly speaking with the same voice and a light bulb exploded over his head and he was all, "This seems fishy!" Then Aquaman was all, "What was that? You wanted me?" And Batman was all, "Wonder Woman, tell Aquaman I will never speak to him ever."

• If mind-control really existed, our courtrooms would be full of prosecutors throwing their hands up and screaming obscenities every time the defense made their opening statement which would, of course, begin, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I wonder if you're familiar with...mind-control!" Then when the prosecutor is being warned about outbursts in court, they can just say, "Sorry, judge. I was just mind-controlled." Later when everybody breaks for lunch, they can all head out to the taco truck, order some tacos, and then run away without paying while yelling, "Mind-control!"

• I wonder if parents would be proud when their child first used mind-control to excuse their shitty behavior? Or would they just yell, "I'll show you mind-control!" Then they'd start undoing their belt with the belt buckle that says "mind-control" on it. Then when they're arrested for child abuse, they could just say, "Mind-control!" And since the police knew the case would be thrown out like all cases involving mind-control, they'd beat the shit out of the parent and tell their superiors they were suffering from a temporary case of mind-control.

• You would think my ruminations on a world with mind-control would end in some jokey manner where the last example I give doesn't end in mind-control but that would be a disservice to my serious thoughts about a world full of mind-control. I don't want to turn it into a huge joke. Mind-control is serious business.

• I don't remember why I brought up mind-control and I'm too busy to reread what I just wrote. So instead, I'll start discussing Justice League #4! According to the cover, this is the issue where Superman makes everybody question the need for a Justice League if he's going to be the one saving the world all by himself on a regular basis.

• I almost ended that last bullet point with "on the regular" but then I remembered I'm old. And it's a risky affair to use slang as an old person because the slang we know probably has already changed by the time we know it and then young people scoff at our attempts to use it. Which is totally ageist but ageist in the direction that isn't gross and problematic, apparently.

• I eschew most slang and trendy phrases anyway because I tend to just come up with my own ways to describe things, being that I'm an individual and not a needy piece of shit desperate to prove that I'm in the know!

Yeah, Jess! So just let them all through the wormholes and take a fucking break. Flash has this!

• Simon actually continues his thought which is just restating what Jess just said. Stop the freaky things from getting to Earth so that The Flash doesn't have to do it all himself. I suppose Jess is specifically talking about the Space Bed Bugs and Simon is talking about the Space Mattresses. But it takes a lot longer than the two seconds anybody is going to spend reading this page to figure that out.

• Comic books are easy to write because even if you feel you're being unclear as a writer, you know that the readers are just going to breeze past anything that doesn't quite make sense, especially when it happens on the first page and they can't quite remember what was happening in the story since they read the last issue a month ago. Or two weeks ago, I suppose.

• The Green Lanterns have apparently stumbled upon the Alien Bed Bug Mattress Factory. So their job is to stop it at the source. Meanwhile, The Flash is killing the Alien Bed Bugs that made it to Earth. Cyborg is burning clothing on the Watchtower. Wonder Woman is arguing with the Kindred. Superman is readjusting Earth's Ben Wa balls. Aquaman is showing off his collection of crystal Precious Moments Zodiac figures. And Batman is mumbling under his breath about how they're all doing a terrible job.

• The Alien Bed Bugs not only have the capability of rewriting a person's DNA but they can also hack computer systems. So Cyborg is, in the Victorian parlance, "buggered like an unchaperoned orphan."

• No wait! Cyborg is more the buggerer! His Firewall is apparently so big that the Alien Bed Bugs couldn't put it out. Or climb it. Or climb down it and back up the other side? No wait! That's more of a firebreak! Anyway, Cyborg uses the Alien Bed Bug's language against them and knocks them offline. So I guess they're Alien Robot Bed Bugs. As if the threat couldn't get any more confusing!

I prefer the Victorian phrase. It just has more character.

• The Kindred begin singing their song to the universe to save the world. I'm still betting that they're some sort of world defense set up by Lord Arion millennia ago. Now that was a hero Atlantis could be proud to call their own!

• Aquaman hears and understands The Kindred's song. Probably because it's in Altantean! Their song reveals that the world will end if they don't get their hands on a complete set of crystal Precious Moments Zodiac Figurines! Especially the Leo with the really big, sad eyes! So Aquaman rushes off with his toys to save the world.

• That's a laugh, isn't it? Aquaman saving the world? The only way that could reasonably happen is if a writer sat down with an editor and they brainstormed a story in which Aquaman would be allowed to be the big hero. It was probably a terribly difficult day in the office but occasionally you have to put in the long hours. Figuring out a story about Aquaman saving the world though? That was probably a long weekend. With a lot of alcohol and cocaine.

• The alcohol was to help loosen them up and think outside the "Aquaman is useless" box. The cocaine was to keep them from falling asleep thinking about Aquaman for hours on end.

A worldwide earthquake that was off the Richter Scale? I guess that's the end of everything! The Justice League didn't save the world! The end!

• Instead of assuming that every single building in the world just collapsed onto every single person in the world, I choose to believe that Cyborg's Richter Scale software was fucked up in the Space Robot Bed Bug attack. The quake was probably just a 2.4.

• Cyborg gets a nice information dump from the Alien Robot Bed Bugs which isn't as Two Girls, One Cup as it sounds.

• Should I italicize Two Girls, One Cup? Or would it be considered more of an "in quotations" kind of story?

• Oh, um, Cyborg's explication! It turns out the Alien Robot Bed Bugs were built to purge the universe of humanoids. But instead of killing them, The Purge just turns them into something else. Like Humanoid Centipedes, maybe? That part is unclear! The part that is clear is that Earth's Ben Wa balls are a fail-safe to prevent The Purge from turning everybody into Humanoid Centipedes. Whoever placed them in the Earth would prefer everybody die before they're claimed by The Purge. That's weird. So way before Earth had humanoids on it, somebody installed a method of destroying the Earth just in case it developed humanoid beings and was subsequently targeted by The Purge. That seems like an awful lot of work and planning for something that might never happen. I suppose whoever placed the Ben Wa balls in Earth were working from a prophecy, or information from a time traveler.

• Meanwhile inside the Earth, Superman impotently beats against one of the three gigantic earthquake machines (you know! The Ben Wa balls! I decided maybe I should describe them more accurately. Although, to be fair to Ben Wa balls, they do make things quake). Superman can barely stand the heat and the pressure inside the Earth and his punches do nothing to the single ball he's attacking. Even if he finds a way to stop this ball (probably with his freeze breath or his disintegration semen), how is he supposed to travel around the world to the next Earthquake Machine? He doesn't have a portable Boom Tube and Cyborg already said he can't help Superman out once he Boom Tubed into the core.

• Why am I speculating on how Superman can't win? That's a hurdle Bryan Hitch needs to jump! I can just sit back in the stands watching him hurdle and waiting for the hot dog guy to come by while holding my piss because I'm not pissing in the fucking trough shoulder-to-shoulder with all the other drunk assholes splashing their piss everywhere!

• Batman has nothing to add to the world saving.

• Wonder Woman, on the other hand, is busy interviewing The Kindred. She finally stopped smashing lightning bolts into their face long enough to have a conversation with them. It's not much of a conversation.

Wonder Woman: "Who are you?"
The Kindred: "Who are you?"
Wonder Woman: "I'm Diana!"
The Kindred: "No, no. Who are you?"
Wonder Woman: "I'm an Amazon!"
The Kindred: "No, no. Who are you?"
Wonder Woman: "I don't know! I seek truth! Am I truth? I'm truth!"
The Kindred: "Seems reasonable."

I'd push it the other way. It would be like popping a huge zit! Plus once Superman breaks through the mantle, he can get Cyborg to Boom Tube him to the next Earthquake Machine!

• Superman shoves the ball deep enough so that it's crushed. Now he has to figure out how to get to the next one. This issue is almost over so Superman's problem probably won't be solved until next issue. That would have given Bryan Hitch some time to think about how to solve the issue. I hope it has to do with Aquaman's adorable new collecting hobby.

• The Flash has once again had his speed stolen by The Kindred and now the last of the Alien Robot Bed Bugs are devouring him. Sorry, transforming him! Not into a Humanoid Centipede like I was thinking! No, Simon and Jess discover exactly what it is The Purge is turning humanoids into: copies of Cyborg. So what is this? A new origin story for Cyborg? The unknown Red Room technological contraption Silas Stone used to save his son must have been something from The Purge, right? And then it was hooked up to a Mother Box so Cyborg could have some individuality and distance from The Purge (also, since The Purge wasn't a thing when Cyborg was created or when he was retooled multiple times or when he was rebooted or, even, when he was rebirthed, it's no wonder it's never been mentioned before!).

The Opinions!
To sum up: The Purge has been turning humanoids all across the universe into Cyborg replicas for eons. Something has installed World Breaker technology into planets to destroy the planets before The Purge can Cyborg everybody. But The Purge still always manages to Cyborg everyone even while the worlds shake apart and are destroyed. During the World Breaking and Purging Events, The Kindred try to sing a song. They've never been able to complete their song in time and so who the fuck knows what it does. This time though, thanks to the Justice League delaying The Purge, The Kindred are going to finish their song. As long as Wonder Woman fails to stop them, of course. So I think that all makes sense? Sort of? It's a bunch of shit happening that was set in motion so long ago that nobody knows why it was set in motion. It's just too bad for Earthlings that Earth was targeted long before Earthlings even inhabited it. You'd have thought that maybe whoever created the World Breaker Balls would have come for them to place them in another world when dinosaurs were ruling for millions of years. They would have been all, "Well, I guess that planet isn't going to have sentient humanoids. It'll be sentient gigantic lizards for sure. Let's grab the World Breaker Balls and stick them in another potential planet!" Maybe the World Breaker Balls' creators are long dead. Or on strike! Or maybe just on break. Who knows how long it takes an ancient probably omnipotent being to smoke a cigarette?

The Ranking!
+0.

The Flash #52

The Review or Whatever!
This story is about The Flash battling The Riddler. If you're asking me why it's taking so long to get to the end, I don't have an answer for you. Who thinks The Riddler has the potential to make The Flash's life miserable? I'm not even talking about nerd "What-If" conundrums sitting around a table in the back of a comic book shop. Nobody needs to use any brain power to realize that The Riddler should just stay out of Central City. Even if The Riddler had been smart enough to stay in hiding somewhere while making The Flash's life difficult with a bunch of Riddle Traps, The Flash still wouldn't have been fazed by any of it. Remember how he can think at super-speed? If he were asked a difficult riddle that had some kind of time limit, The Flash can do his super-quick thinking thing and realize in 0.0000001 Nanoseconds that he should run to Gotham and ask Batman. Problem solved! And if The Riddler ever decided to show his face around The Flash (which he did!), The Flash would have him bound and gagged before The Riddler could even threaten The Flash with a knock-knock joke!

One time when visiting Kansas when I was five, I was forced to go to Sunday School by my Aunt's mom. I heard less ridiculous things in class that day than I'm currently reading in this comic book.

I would still consider it humane! Look, if we're going to have the ridiculous debate about how to kill somebody humanely, why not the guillotine? Because when you really sit down and stop being a dick, you'd realize that the death penalty can't ever be applied humanely.

If I were in charge of punishing criminals, my death penalty would be applied randomly! So everybody on Death Row knows that at any time, somebody can come into their cells and just butcher them. Then once a month or so, I'd stage a butchering in one of the cells to really freak out everybody on Death Row. But I'd never actually kill anybody. Even that is more humane than actually killing somebody! Plus, I think it's a pretty fun punishment! It would give a lot of theater majors jobs!

I do like the idea of cutting off Barry's head in a guillotine! Too bad I know he survives because I read Rebirth #1 already! Idiot! Now I'm not feeling any tension!

Wally West hears The Riddler's announcement that The Flash will be executed on live television at the bottom of the hour. Which part of the hour is the bottom? The 30 part of the hour because it's at the bottom of an old fashioned clock? Or does that just mean the end of the hour? Some times you can live to be forty-four years old and still not understand simple turns of phrase because nobody bothered to explain them to you. Assholes.

Oh, um, I forgot to add Wally's reaction to the end of that paragraph! I'm always distracting myself! So, um, after hearing the announcement, Wally uses his new superspeed to dismantle one of The Riddler's drones. Apparently The Riddler's drones aren't programmed to start killing people as soon as superspeed is detected. If that were really true, The Riddler would be done for because The Flash can deposit The Riddler in China long before The Riddler can activate the drones manually.

Oh! I wonder if The Flash will use his supervibrating powers to pleasure Iris. I mean to pretend he lost his head in the guillotine as it seemingly slides through his neck and then his head drops into the basket (still attached, of course, but vibrating so his neck can phase through the wall of the basket).

Because Riddler's drones detected superspeed elsewhere in the city, The Riddler believes that Barry Allen is lying about being The Flash! Good one, Wally! You've totally saved the day and Barry's secret identity too! And The Riddler won't destroy the city until he can explain his genius to the actual Flash. Wally West is a genius! I mean, an accidental genius, but still a genius! Although he actually is a real genius as well because aren't all super heroes?

The Flash walks off to go get help from The Rogues. Sure! Why not?! They've been against him for a few issues so it's time for them to flip-flop and help him for a few issues. But only because their home is being threatened! Once they save the city, they'll be back to burglaring things!

The Flash, Captain Cold, Weather Wizard, and The Pied Piper head off to confront The Riddler while Golden Glider, Trickster, and Mirror Master go to save Heat Wave. Riddler realizes Trickster betrays him and sets off the bomb in Trickster's arm. With his good hand, Trickster decides to hold it against Heat Wave's prison to free him. I guess Trickster is now a double amputee, at the least.

Oh come on! He was at the center of that blast!

Once The Flash knows Heat Wave's powers won't be used against the city by The Riddler, he destroys all of the drones and apprehends The Riddler. Just like he should have done in two seconds when The Riddler first threatened him. I think sometimes he forgets just how fast he can do things.

The issue ends with Captain Frye finally realizing he's been a complete moron and the citizens of Central City cheering The Flash...for now!

Did this issue make up for how terrible this book has been for the last year or more? Of course not! But it was actually a good issue! More like how this book should be. I guess I can't tell Van Jensen to keep going in this direction since he's just kept going right out of DC's offices. I'm not sure who is writing this book after Rebirth. I suppose I can look it up but I can also wait until Wednesday. Being that I'm Internet Lazy, I'll just wait for Wednesday. Or for Troll Post to tell me in the comments!

The Flash #50

Come on, DC. The Flash should at least make the cover of his own comic book.

The Review
The Flash is still considered a bad guy because The Riddler is apparently such a genius that he manipulated all of the time travel events in such a way that it turned everybody against The Flash. Or maybe he's just decided to take advantage of the fact that Captain Frye is a huge idiot and doesn't know the difference between criminals and heroes. I realize that line is super fuzzy in the DC You (and possibly other comic book universes but these commentaries don't focus on those universes). This comic book is still bad and relies on tired plot points and stupid readers. I may be stupid in a lot of ways but I'm not a Stupid Comic Book Reader at all! I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader and I declare this is a terrible comic book.

The Commentary
I have a feeling I'm going to be buying a lot more comic books than usual in May thanks to some of these titles being so far behind. Issue #50 on April 28th?! Looking up the release dates of the last two issues of PreRebirth Flash comic books, I see another one is due next week and Issue #52 is due the day Rebirth begins. I suppose that'll be the same for all of the other books that are way behind, like Justice League and Batgirl and Black Canary and Cyborg. Although maybe Black Canary and Cyborg have caught up by now. And also, they don't have the same amount of pressure on them as the comics that need to get their 52nd issue published, so maybe they'll just wrap up whenever. Not that it matters to me since Cyborg really could have wrapped up before it even started. Such a boring comic book!

When we last left The Flash, Central City's Police Department was acting like it was Backwards Law Day. They decided The Flash needed to be arrested while they began paying known criminals to help catch The Flash. I get that superhero comic books have been published for so long that there just aren't many new stories to tell, especially if the writer isn't very imaginative, but can we stop writing this story about how the law turns against the good guys so desperately that they ignore all the wrongdoing super villains have done? From now on, when a writer walks into a pitch meeting and says one of the following, I would like the editors to just shoot them in the head:

"Get this...the superhero loses all of her powers!"
"Imagine, if you can, the superhero...is framed by the bad guy and everybody loses trust in him!"
"You're going to call me crazy, but how about this for the next Superman story: he faces an alien that is more powerful than he is!"
"The theme of our Wonder Woman run will be how Wonder Woman has time for both a social life and a working life! Plus she should be seen in the shower a lot!"
"The hero falters but the people rise up to do the heroes job and the hero acknowledges that we are all the hero!"
"I don't know if this has ever been done but how about a Justice League story where they're beaten down for four issues and then, in the fifth issue, they rise up and win the day through sheer force of forcefulness!"
"What if we have some thing...I don't know what to call it...maybe a crisis? And it will involve all of the heroes and change continuity in critical ways and maybe renumber the comic books too!"
"Have we ever considered lobbying congress to demand a law be passed that forces people to buy our products the way that Obamacare forces people to buy corporate insurance or face severe tax penalties? Fucking geniuses, those guys!"

There are hundreds more like the story where a bad guy kills a female second cousin of the protagonist and the protagonist has grief. Or the one where the female hero is raped by the bad guy and experiences grief. Or the one where the male protagonist's mother is raped and killed so that the male protagonist grieves. Or the one where the sidekick is killed so that Batman gets a chance to grieve.

How about telling your aunt to stop publishing untrue articles about how dangerous The Flash is when all of the death and destruction was caused by other people. She's a lousy fucking reporter.

Iris is on scene as The Flash is arrested to ask Captain Frye one question: "What the hell are you doing?" Am I wrong? Did I remember things incorrectly? Didn't Iris write an article with a headline that was like and probably not exactly "FLASH: MENACE OR BIGGER MENACE?!" which questioned the safety of The Flash operating in Central City after the police headquarters were destroyed? I suppose if she did, it was enough issues in the past that nobody is going to read this bit about Iris and think, "What a fucking hypocrite she is!"

Meanwhile, The Trickster reports back to his new boss who I guessed was Ron Howard with Heat Wave in a fish tank. But judging by his green suit and gloves, it's obviously The Riddler with Heat Wave in a fish tank. He has plans to take over Central City in the same way that he could never take over Gotham. But first he had to get the law to turn against The Flash which was totally easy because he lives in the DC Universe where everybody simultaneously hates and loves superheroes, depending on which way the plot needs them to feel.

Flash's dad calls in a favor to help his son break out of prison before he gets unmasked. That means Girder and Overload take a hit on their sentences simply to help out. Maybe they're good guys too and I didn't realize it because of Central City's Backwards Law Day.

This is another horrible comic book trope. If there's a power outage, all of the prisoners go free because DC Prisons can't afford manual locks or electronically controlled locks that simply remain locked if the power goes out.

The Flash saves all of the cops and prison guards before Overload causes a massive explosion. This brings us to the next example in what seems to be a comic book meant to showcase lazy plotting: Captain Frye once again trusts The Flash because The Flash saved his life. I mean, The Flash saved his life when the Police Department exploded as well but I guess that was just normal Flash saving lives life saving. This was extenuating circumstances Flash saving lives where he saves the lives of people actively incarcerating him for no fucking good reason at all.

Flash now has to stop a massive prison break and riot at Iron Heights because that's just a thing that heroes have to deal with now that cell doors can't seem to stay locked. But at least maybe Iris will write an article with a new headline: FLASH CAUSES PRISON RIOT WHILE ESCAPING CUSTODY! Hmm, maybe that isn't the direction she should go with this story.

Flash saves all of the guards but doesn't attempt to stop the inmates himself since they're stuck on an island for a bit. I mean, the ones who can't fly are. Unless they pay the ones who can fly to fly them off. Anyway, forget about the prison! It doesn't matter anymore. It's time for The Flash to battle the Rogues again because Captain Frye hasn't had the chance to tell them they've been fired. Although if they can save his life, maybe he'll rehire them and begin mistrusting The Flash once more.

It's during the battle that The Riddler makes his big reveal and explains his motivations. You see, he noticed The Flash has never been beaten and he wanted to take a crack at beating him. Christ, Enigma. You're supposedly super smart but you can't figure out that there are cities in the world that don't have resident superheroes? You couldn't beat Batman who has no superpowers so you decide to go against the one that has arguably the greatest super power of all? You really are a delusional megalomaniac!

The backup story is about Wally West playing dodge ball but I stopped reading it when it was revealed the fat kid's nickname was Chunk. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen.

I lied! I kept reading it! But then I stopped when it was revealed the red headed kid is a mean bully. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

Okay, I lied again! The story is about Wally West meeting a future dead version of himself who time traveled to explain the changes Wally's body has been going through. Do I even need to say it a third time? Yes, yes I do! Simply because it feels good! Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

I probably shouldn't be writing such mean things to my theoretical best friend Van Jensen (according to Facebook in which we share one friend in common!) but The Flash really has been terrible with all of this time travel stuff. Van Jensen is at least acknowledging that it's a bunch of bullshit when he has time traveling Wally West say, "Time travel, dude. Don't even get me started." It's possible all of this time travel crap was editorially mandated because Brian Cunningham has a sexual fetish for horribly contrived time travel stories. Also he might just find the time travel stuff the most fascinating thing about The Flash. It's actually the worst thing. Even DC themselves tried to stop all of that bullshit with Flashpoint and The New 52 and putting a moratorium on time travel. But that didn't last because horrible writers decided it was still okay to have people time travel from different non-Flashpoint timelines into the Flashpoint timeline. Those horrible writers were Fabian Nicieza, Scott Lobdell, and Tom DeFalco. Also possibly others.

The Darkseid War: Flash #1

I'm disturbed that this issue is called "The Darkseid War: Flash" and not "The Darkseid War: The Flash".

The Flash has a new job as Black Racer. That means he gets to reap souls while dying people cough blood and say things like, "Seriously? Death is a skier? Why am I not being hugged by Jesus?! How is reality so absolutely different than everything I believed while alive?! What's happening?! *CROAK!*"

Hey, did you guys watch The Flash this week? My only question is does Zoom ever look into mirrors? Because he looks like a bad-ass monster and yet he still thinks "Zoom" is an appropriate name? If I were Zoom, I would call myself Gonna-Fuck-Up-A-Ton-Of-Shitmonster! Although the media would probably shorten it to Shitmonster and that might be a bit embarrassing. Although Zoom can probably time travel, right? So any journalist who thought they were being clever by calling me Shitmonster, I would murder them as a baby because apparently that's a cool and totally kosher thing to do! But you have to wait until Baby Hitler is born, of course, because aborting him would be totally wrong and against god.

Of course, time travel being what it is, simply by going back in time to murder Baby Hitler in his crib changes time. You are no longer in the timeline where Hitler grew up to be a huge bummer. You very well may be in a timeline where Hitler unites the world in peace and love! So if you murder Baby Hitler, the least of what's happened is that you've committed infanticide and become a huge dick with delusions of being a savior. The worst of what's happened is that you've become the actual monster! I mean, I think you were a monster to begin with because you were ready and willing to murder a baby but that's neither here nor there nor in that other timeline.

Bullshit. Death isn't necessary at all!

Okay, yes. Death is a necessary part of evolution. But say evolution was not how species changed across time as each new generation favors attributes which help the species to survive. What if mankind were, let's say, created by an intelligent being fully formed and perfect! Then why is death needed? It is not. At that point, death simply becomes a punishment for trespassing and petty theft. Of course, why would two perfectly formed creatures need to reproduce if they were immortal anyway? Why would they be created with the ability to reproduce? That seems like a recipe for eventual overcrowding! Death is also necessary because creatures need to eat and the best kinds of things to eat are other creatures (I'm including plants as creatures in this statement because I'm not a dick who decides some living organisms are somehow better than other living organisms. I mean, as long as we're not including mosquitoes. Those guys are dicks). But then, death isn't needed to bring meaning to our lives the way philosophers and sentimental assholes like to believe. If we didn't die, we'd still find meaning in every stupid fucking thing across the ages. Christ, you can't go down the street swinging a triple flail without some asshole finding meaning in your idiocy.

The Flash begins crying over his mother some more because he's a baby. Poor baby Barry! Baby Barry want his mama?

What a startling revelation! Everybody dies! I suppose Barry will now move from "It's all meaningless" to "It all has meaning" in a few simple steps.

I hope this doesn't become a "life is precious because of its brevity" story now. How about we get real about death and forget about turning it into something sentimental which proves that every moment of life is worth that much more because it's finite. How about we learn that death is meaningless. People die in meaningless and horrible ways all the fucking time. Every death does not have to be turned into some kind of cautionary tale or be the inspiration for a new law which will save lives. How about we embrace that death is meaningless and that there is no afterlife. All we have is now. All we have is this one lifetime. That brings meaning, not because it's brief but because it's our only chance to experience life. If you know this is all you have, and all that everybody has, it makes you appreciate it more than believing you're in a dress rehearsal for heaven. Realizing this is everybody's one and only chance at existence should make you a nicer and better person all around because you know the value of every other life and should choose not to fuck it up for anybody else. Embrace the meaningless of it all and you have your meaning. Unless you're a stupid idiot like the vast majority of people. Then, by all means, keep doing what you're doing because look how well that's working out for everybody.

And now I'm thinking of this:



I can't not cry when I hear Johnette's magnificent voice sing "Life is beautiful, and terrible, and strange." Thanks for the lines around my eyes, Concrete Blonde.

The Flash accepts death while also accepting that he's going to have to be death. Although he could get lucky and walk in on somebody about to shoot themselves in the head who gets startled by him so that the guy turns the gun on Flash and kills him thus freeing him from having to be death! That happens sometimes, right?

Oh, come on, Barry! Just because you choose not to kill the people doesn't mean the people aren't going to die! Remember your revelation earlier about how everybody dies?! Just think of this job as following orders! You're not responsible!

The Flash only has to take one life to become Black Racer so he chooses to take Black Racer's life. Sure, it's a hilarious twist ending but it doesn't really make much sense, right? I mean, Black Racer is just a concept that needs a host. So in actuality, Barry would need to take his own life but that would mean Black Racer would simply find another host. I guess I should be less cynical and just root for the hero at this point.

Barry kills Death and realizes he made a little bit of a boo-boo.

I still think he should have had to kill himself to get to this point. But I guess that would mean Wally West would have to take over again and become everybody's favorite Flash all over again and Barry Allen would be forgotten for twenty five years again and who wants that? Especially if it's New 52 Wally West!

So let me get this straight. Darkseid saved the universe by tethering death to the Black Racer? Darkseid should be lauded as a hero? Is that what I'm hearing?!

Barry decides to give up his own life to save the universe and become Black Racer forever and ever. Or at least until the end of The Darkseid War (which might wind up feeling like it's lasting forever).

The Darkseid War: Flash #1 Rating: This was the best issue so far because at least it dealt with Barry coming to terms with what he needs to be responsible for versus his own humanity. This issue actually gives Barry's reactions to what's happening to him as opposed to Superman and Batman where they've just lost their humanity completely. They're all just, "Everything I say or do is right and nothing else matters and blah blah blah I am above all of these mortal concerns except for pie and justice, I guess." Hey! They sound just like me! Except for the justice part.

Aquaman #44

Totally worth it.

This issue begins with Aquaman creeping on Mera while she sleeps.

I guess you can draw erect penises in comic books as long as you tell the censors, "No! No! That's not a boner at all! It's totally something else that isn't a boner. Seriously. Not a boner."

Speaking of censors, you can tell they must all be really old fuddy-duddies. Have any of you been watching Scream Queens? That show should be blowing the censors' minds! But all of the disgusting language is said too quickly and with words they're not used to for them to be bothered noticing. At one point, Chanel #1 calls the other Chanels a bunch of gashes. She may as well have called them cunts. In fact, calling them cunts is less disgusting than calling them gashes! It's just that everybody is trained to react negatively to hearing the word "cunt" as opposed to hearing a perfectly ordinary word like "gash" and being all, "Oh, yeah. That's cool. Much better to call a woman a slang term for her private parts which is truly descriptively horrific than to have them called the C-word!" It's moments like that in the show that make me hate it less than I'm desperately trying to hate it. I'll be watching it going, "Oh for fuck's sake! Are the writers really going to be that lazy and write the scene where a guy tells a woman to smile and then the woman kicks the shit out of him?! That's like a rock star playing a concert in Cleveland and screaming, 'Cleveland is the greatest city in America!' It's money in the bank!" But then Chanel #1 will call all the women "gashes," and I'll be saying, "That'll do, TV Show. That'll do." Suck it, old censors! You can't muzzle the youth! You can only look around confused until you finally just sign off on the show rather than admitting you didn't understand fully three quarters of it.

Just talk? The erection says otherwise.

Aquaman asks Mera why they're fighting. Luckily for Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire, he showed the readers that Mera is actually her evil twin Siren. Otherwise Mera being upset with Arthur about how he will destroy everything they've built together wouldn't make any sense. Because Mera didn't build anything with Aquaman when it comes to Atlantis. All they built together was a comfortable little home in a lighthouse with a dog they eventually abandoned. She also decides to be angry instead of calmly trying to work through the problem with Aquaman. Unluckily for Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire, he's writing Aquaman so that Aquaman doesn't have any problem with Mera acting this way. I'm just a comic book reader who isn't in love with Mera (probably) and I know this is totally out of character. So Aquaman should also realize this is out of character and that Mera isn't making any sense at all. Almost as if Mera doesn't know what she's talking about because it isn't Mera! I suppose eight pages later, Aquaman can say something like, "I know that can't be Mera! I must get to the bottom of it and save the woman I love!" But that probably won't happen because Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire is writing a variant version of Aquaman and Mera that he created to destroy everybody's love of Aquaman! See, Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire works for Marvel and they've never been happy with Aquaman having stolen Namor's thunder.

Aquaman tells Mera all about the alternate Atlantis called Thule which is totally boring because I read this comic book last month and already heard all of this shit. I bet it won't even convince Mera since she's actually Siren which means I'm hearing all about the wizards of Thule again for no good reason! Why are new readers more important than me?! Let them scour the quarter bins for the previous issues of Aquaman if they want to know all of the little details! Don't make me reread the same shit every month!

Aquaman decides he doesn't care that Mera is acting like an unfeeling jerk because he's got a huge boner that needs satisfying.

Those are Sea Roses! They bloom best in salt rich and high pressure environments!

The Sea Roses aren't the only weird part about living underwater in Atlantis. Mera's royal bedchamber isn't in any kind of bubble so she's just sleeping completely submerged in water. Along with her mattress. And her blankets. And her pillows. And the couch in the corner covered in sopping wet throw pillows. It really seems like a truly uncomfortable place!

After they have sex, Aquaman says "Well, that was..." and Mera finishes with "A mistake?" So far, that's the only moment that's struck me as truthful according to my experience!

After Aquaman puts his clothes back on, Mera transforms into Siren. Am I supposed to be angry about this because it was rape? I think I'm supposed to be mad about it. Right? I'm trying but the only thing I've really been offended by in this comic book so far were those roses underwater!

I can't wait until Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire writes the scene where Mera gets upset at Aquaman for not realizing it wasn't her when he was being raped by her sister! That'll be a classy moment!

She wouldn't!

Siren stabs Aquaman in the chest so he teleports away. But since he wasn't concentrating while teleporting, he winds up on another planet. What a shocker of an ending! And by that, I mean what an ending that was obviously thought up simply to end the comic book in an unexpected way which has nothing to do with the story at hand. It's a real "I'm One-Face now!" shocker of an ending!

Aquaman #44 Rating: -1 Ranking. If you're an Aquaman fan, don't bother reading this book. If you're a Mera fan, don't even look at this book. This book is a disaster. DC Comics may as well have just shipped out a bunch of baggies with dog shit in them and stuck Post-It Notes on them which read "Aquaman #44." Hell, I probably would have gotten more for my money if they'd done that.

Aquaman #43

In this issue, we'd better find out that Mera is under the influence of the Thules or this shit makes no sense. Unless Aquaman fucked Ya'wara.

Recently I scanned in a picture from Justice League of America #2 where Aquaman points out that Rao is a piece of shit god and gods don't actually exist and religion is stupid. I then captioned it with "And just like that, Aquaman is my favorite hero." Or something. I just want everybody to know that that didn't really make Aquaman my favorite hero, okay? Even if that was the most bad-ass thing ever said by a character in a comic book, it still wouldn't make up for years of Aquaman trying desperately to be serious and liked by all of the fanboys. See, I don't hate Aquaman. I hate Aquaman since around the time he had that four issue mini-series sometime in the mid-80s. It was the one where he got his new suit that looked like water. I won't say I hated him during the time Peter David was writing him but I was hurt that he was turning his back on silly, whimsical, giant seahorse riding Aquaman to become a darker, grimmer king of the sea. I want the Aquaman that causes fanboys to mock him as being the guy who talks to fish. Well, that's his main power. He should talk with fish. And when I say "talk," I mean talk. I don't mean command them to throw their lives away at his expense. I mean he should have a discussion with them and ask if they'll help him defeat Black Manta yet again. Then he should have to owe them a favor so that sometime during some huge Justice League cosmic crisis, he'd turn to Batman in the middle of the battle and be all, "Oh shit. There's something I have to take care of!" Then he'll rush off to the ocean to play midwife to a pod of whales while the universe is on the brink of destruction. Because he promised and he's the King of Atlantis and he must keep his promises or everything in his kingdom will fall apart.

That's the Aquaman I'd like to see. The Aquaman I don't want to see? This one currently being written by His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire. This Aquaman isn't Aquaman at all. I guess Cullen Bunn couldn't think up a story where Aquaman speaks with fish. So instead, he gave Aquaman a shitload of super powers. Now Aquaman can freeze things in ice and make pillars of rock shoot out of the ground and teleport. What editor thought that was a good idea? That's like DC Comics having a press conference and declaring once and for all that they also think Aquaman is a useless piece of garbage. Apparently he's not an exciting enough hero if he's just speaking with fish and acting morose. He's also got to have new super powers and be on the run from Atlantis and be hated by his fiance as well. This Aquaman blows. I like the Aquaman that tells priests to suck it!

Last issue, Aquaman is all, "I have to go stop the incursion and I don't want you to come. Stay and reign over Atlantis!" Now he's all, "Never mind! You should be at my side when I tell the Atlanteans about the change of plans because you know how much they've come to love and trust you even though they hated you right up until ten minutes ago when I told them not to hate you." So then Mera is all, "Fuck that, you traitor!"

Mera decides that talking is the wrong way to go about having a conversation so she pins Arthur to the wall with her water powers. Then she points out how Aquaman made her Queen of Atlantis so she has to protect Atlantis. The way to protect Atlantis, I suppose, is to beat the shit out of the guy who's supposed to be saving it. But see, it's okay to beat him up now because he doesn't plan on saving Atlantis immediately. He'd rather save some innocent Atlanteans from another bloodline before he destroys the place they're currently held captive. Mera rightly realizes that that would cause harm to her new kingdom so she threatens the only person who can save her new kingdom which seems like it could harm her new kingdom which means maybe she should be attacking herself? Logic is hard.

Sodomizing your fiance with a trident is a pretty hefty cost though.

This makes sense because Mera is obviously under the influence of the Thule invaders. The comic is more dramatic if Mera is brainwashed into hating Aquaman even if that's the kind of thing that happens in comic books every time you turn around. It must be a really good plot twist since it gets used so much.

Back in the present, Aquaman and Garth seem to have come to a truce since an ancient juggernaut has awakened and is threatening to smash them both into fishy smelling jelly.

Yay! We all came to an agreement! Pump your fists in the air!

Aquaman has another flashback where Extriax the Wizard from Old Atlantis is all, "Dudebro. Your people suck." So then Aquaman tells a joke about Mera's violent temper and isn't at all concerned about his people turning against him. I don't know how he can laugh off being attacked by Mera! Unless he realizes she's not really mad at him. She's just under the control of some monster from Thule and probably in serious danger. Oh well! Time to go save some Old Atlanteans while not dealing with the Mera problem at all. There's no time to deal with that! It'll be much quicker to save the Old Atlanteans while the New Atlanteans are constantly trying to assassinate Arthur. Plus remember how Thule is dipping their toe in the water? That's like a timer counting down to zero. Shit has to happen fast!

Aquaman points out (back in the present while fighting alongside King Shark) that his new powers also consist of controlling storms. Just call in some fucking flying fish or something, hunh?! Maybe get some Mudskippers in here so that the juggernaut will slip on them and break its back! Anything except suddenly being DC's briny version of Thor.

And back in the present, we discover how he got all of his new powers and then I have to go pick up the comic book from the floor near where I threw it against the wall.

And just like that, Aquaman is my least favorite hero

I realize that Bryan Hitch's Justice League of America is taking place in some other dimension but didn't Aquaman just say in that comic book that he doesn't believe in Poseidon? And now here he is with his fish tail between his legs asking the sea god for help? It's so embarrassing! Like when I pray to Jesus Christ that my downstairs neighbor dies in a drunk driving accident. I mean, I don't believe in Jesus Christ at all so why would I think he'd help me murder anyone?!

Poseidon tells Arthur all about Thule and how they're a coven of witches who caused strife in Old Atlantis until Atlan sent them packing. They fled into another dimension just behind our dimension where they've been up to no good for centuries. Aquamn gets all pissy that Poseidon didn't do anything to save the Atlanteans enslaved by the Thule and then Poseidon screams back at Arthur that he "did as a god pleases!" And then he gives Arthur a fuck-ton of super powers to help him defeat Thule. Because I guess that's something else that pleases a god.

Back to the present, Aquaman cannot defeat the juggernaut with mere godly powers. But he knows how to speak with fish! So he uses that power to call forth Topo or some other kraken or something that doesn't actually exist even in a super hero comic book so that it can destroy the juggernaut. It's about fifty times bigger than the juggernaut and rips the thing apart which makes me wonder why Aquaman did everything else before calling forth his monster up his sleeve. I guess he just wanted to show off his new lightning power.

After the fight, Garth is all, "Okay! Cool. Me and my fish gang will just go now. We didn't really want to fight you anyway." Watching the fight from her hidden lair is Siren. She's the person that has been pretending to be Mera and is working with Thule and is also apparently Mera's twin sister Hila or something. So it's as I pointed out earlier. Mera is in danger and all Arthur could do was make some fucking jokes about it. You'd think his main priority would be to find out why Mera was acting so fucking weird because it would totally make sense that she's being influenced by Thule. I guess he's just stupid.

Aquaman #43 Rating: No change. I once read a story one time where there was no evil twin and the entire time I was reading it, I kept thinking, "But where's the evil twin? Shouldn't there be an evil twin?!" So when Mera's evil twin appeared, I was all, "Totally knew it was going to turn out to be an evil twin even though I never speculated about an evil twin in my reviews because I totally didn't want to spoil it for anybody." So now that it's been revealed that Mera was instantly captured by the enemies of Atlantis immediately after Arthur gave her authority to rule over the kingdom, I can say, "I told you so," right? I totally knew Mera couldn't handle the responsibility! If you've been reading Aquaman since the beginning of The New 52, you may have been thinking, "She's totally competent and will totally do a kick ass job of ruling Atlantis because she even has more confidence than Aquaman himself!" But you would have been forgetting that His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire took over the writing duties of this comic book and decided that Aquaman and Mera should be completely different people than they were before he began writing this comic book. How could you have forgotten that when you were thinking Mera would make a decent Queen? Amateur!

Aquaman #42

Who is this guy and why is he wearing Arthur's Boner Belt?

Last issue, Aquaman didn't speak with any fish. That's the best part about Aquaman! If he isn't speaking with fish or telepathically convincing them to sacrifice their lives to solve his problems, then he isn't Aquaman! He's just some guy with blonde hair like the stranger on the cover! He could be anybody! Cullen Bunn could have used this story for any DC hero he was allowed to write. Lone hero battles back dark forces from another world while on the run from the government of his home nation. He'd better speak with some frickin' sea life this issue or I'm going to question Cullen Bunn's knowledge of Aquaman!

This issue is called "The Other Atlantis" because the DC Youniverse needs another place for Arthur to be responsible for. He can't even take care of the regular Atlantis without everybody constantly second guessing his decisions and questioning his loyalty. Maybe this other Atlantis will be full of Atlanteans who will respect Arthur and his amazing ability to convince Killer Whales to beach themselves for the greater good.

The issue begins with Aquaman having a stupid memory just like how John Stewart begins his issues with stupid memories and how Sinestro begins his issues with stupid memories. I smell a pattern! Aquaman's stupid memory is about how some weird kid who wasn't even Arthur's friend or else he probably would have said "I had a friend back in high school" instead of "there was a kid in high school". This fucking nerd was always slobbering all over Arthur trying to get him to play Magic the Gathering but Arthur was all, "Dude. Stop wasting your fucking time with that pussy drying bullshit. Get a fucking life, nerd. You're a nerd, nerd. Fucking nerd." But now that Aquaman is battling summoned armies from another dimension, he's thinking maybe Magic the Gathering would have given him a "little useful knowledge" in his current situation. Well, I guess! For one, if you saw five of the same type of monster attacking you, you could call the judge over to declare a rules violation. Or if you'd played, perhaps you'd now be a better fighter due to the experience of wonder the game filled you with right up until your first asshole friend brought around a Scrye magazine which showed the values of all the cards and it destroyed any sense of innocent fun in the game and caused all the players in your group to begin hoarding their valuable cards and stop playing for ante. Playing Magic the Gathering would have taught you that people are generally greedy assholes who will cheat if they can manage it although, technically (a word they'll use a lot because lots of gamers who think they're really good at a game are really just pushy assholes), they're just playing quickly and they didn't force you to miss a point where you could have played a card, you stupid slow minded moron. Perhaps Aquaman would have learned though that perhaps one out of fifteen strangers you meet playing Magic the Gathering in public locations is actually a really terrific person who enjoys playing the game as much as you do and will patiently wait for every move and consideration because the fun of the game isn't in winning due to mistakes but winning because you played the best or put together a fantastically crazy deck using a theme nobody had ever thought of before and wasn't copied from other people like 99 out of 100 decks you wind up playing against. Fuck. No wonder I stopped playing Magic the Gathering.

What I'm trying to say is that Magic the Gathering would not have helped Aquaman at all and an intelligent person like Aquaman would never have even considered a card game could have helped him in actual battle. So this is just an excuse for Cullen Bunn to mention Magic the Gathering and how he was always too busy to waste his time playing it. Well la dee da! Should I just refer to him as His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire from now on? So busy with important things! No trivialities for him!

Don't try to tell me that I'm confusing the character with the writer! I already pointed out how the character should never have had this thought in the first place! Fuck you! His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire is awful!

Goddammit. I'm only two pages into this thing and my heart is racing and I'm sweating profusely and there are four new holes in my wall and did anybody know knuckles bleed this much?!

Arthur is in another dimension rescuing more people to take back to his Jungle Sex Shanty Hideaway. A wizard is helping him so that's why this is so much like Magic the Gathering! Plus alternate dimensions which is part of it or something. The Dark was my favorite Magic set. The game never really felt the same after that set because Fallen Empires could have been released as a hastily scrawled note from Richard Garfield saying, "Ha ha! I got you addicted now here's a bunch of bullshit crap laced with my semen, you junkie!"

Arthur has a flashback to where he left Mera in charge of Atlantis while he went to investigate the other dimensional toe dipping itself into his waters. Mera is all, "Remember how the Atlanteans hate me?! They'll never want me in charge!" And Aquaman is all, "I'll take care of it! Obey Mera, okay? Done!"

No seriously. I'm not exaggerating. That's what happened. Look for yourself!

Most of these Atlanteans still don't even trust Aquaman! This is going to be a disaster!

You know what? Now that I've showered and calmed down, I want to apologize to His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire for believing he never played Magic. He looks like the kind of guy who not only played a lot of Magic but is also the kind of guy who would casually cast "Winter Blast" as an instant as if he didn't know any better or who would cheat in a Sealed Deck League and claim he opened a pack of The Dark that had only U1s in it except also a Maze of Ith, of course.

Sorry for the Magic the Gathering speak.

Arthur assures Mera that she'll be fine even though she should know she'll be fine. She's worrying an awful lot for the strong badass fuckmonster she is (I'm assuming she's a fuckmonster because I'd definitely be cowering under my covers if she came out of my closet to bang me. I mean, I want it but I know I can't handle it). Arthur leaves Mera in charge and rushes off to become Atlantis's Most Wanted for some reason.

Maybe the reason is that he's not really him! These are two different guys, right?

Last commentary I made a joke that the Atlanteans were trying to capture or kill Aquaman because he wasn't saving Atlantis quickly enough. It turns out that's actually the case. He isn't destroying the world that is leaking into our world because innocent people are currently being held captive in that world. So he needs to save all of the innocent people before destroying the world. Not one other Atlantean has any empathy and could never understand why Aquaman is delaying destroying the world, I guess. Or maybe only Mera lacks empathy (which she doesn't but, you know, let's go with what we have to work with) and she's commanded the Atlanteans to kill Arthur for not hurrying and they must listen to her because Arthur told them to. Although I still think Mera wants to kill Arthur because he put his dick in Ya'wara's secret panther.

Seriously though, DC. Nobody cares that Aquaman's new costume is just a huge boner?

Back to the flashbacks, we learn that the first huge incursion under the water that threatened Atlantis was a ruin that housed the Warlock of Atlantis, Extriax, and a bunch of others seeking asylum from Thule. They are Atlanteans that cannot breathe underwater because they're from an older line or something. I guess they left Atlantis for Other Atlantis in another dimension before the main Atlantis sank. Unless the main Atlantis is the other Atlantis. That seems more in keeping with the kind of twist that His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire enjoys.

Anyway, Arthur learns that he can't just destroy this other world like he really wants to. He has to save all of the innocent people because he's "also the guy who stands up for those who can't protect themselves." Oh, is he? Is he that now?

His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire really fucking loved his "dipping the toe" analogy so he uses it again this issue. No wonder my comic book smells like semen!

As Arthur battles the remnants of ancient Atlantis invading Earth up in Alaska, he looks different yet again! He's three people! He also has many more powers. Last issue he froze a bunch of creatures in ice. This time he makes large stone pillars rise up out of the ground. But he still hasn't commanded a seahorse to let him put a saddle on it.

While Aquaman is saving Alaska, he's confronted by an underwater version of the Suicide Squad (led by Aqualad, I think? Did Garth already appear in The New 52? Sometime with Tula?) sent by Mera to kill her cheating fucking bastard fiance. At least King Shark is among them! Although I doubt he'll be an entertaining King Shark because this story is serious and dark and there is no time for silliness or games of Magic the Gathering here.

Aquaman just met Garth for the first time and Garth accuses Aquaman of betraying Atlantis. So what other conclusion about Garth could Arthur come to except for "The kid's smart...and he's got a good heart." Arthur might have brain damage. Or maybe it's just my intense cynicism that thinks Arthur should have come to the exact opposite conclusion!

Anyway, Aquaman has one final thought as a huge ancient Atlantean golem rises up out of the ground and the issue ends.

I'm paying attention! And none of it makes sense! So His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire probably doesn't really want anybody paying that much attention.

Aquaman #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. The only explanation for Mera turning Atlantis against Arthur is that he had sex with Ya'wara. But if that's the case (as the Aquaman Futures End issue from last September would suggest), then Arthur knows full well what Mera is thinking even though he states in this issue that he doesn't know what Mera is thinking. He knows she's pissed. If that's not the case, then this story doesn't even make the most feeble of sense. If Mera and the other Atlanteans are upset that Arthur wants to delay the destruction of Thule to save innocent Atlanteans still on that world, then it makes no sense for them to spend all of their time and manpower trying to stop Aquaman from saving Atlanteans. Even if Mera captures or kills Aquaman, how does that stop Thule from destroying Atlantis? They should be letting him do his own thing while they find a way to destroy Thule themselves. If the Atlanteans are upset that Aquaman is saving other Atlanteans, then fuck them all because they're entitled bigots. I suppose Mera could have been infected with the poison from Thule and brainwashed but that's far less interesting than her being upset at Aquaman's infidelity. But in either case, whatever motivates Mera, why are the Atlanteans just rolling over and following all of her insane orders? They already didn't trust her in the first place and are only following her orders on the word of the man who she's commanding they kill! Am I wrong or is this book stupid?

Futures End #41

Mister Terrific might be the world's third smartest man but his juggling technique is terrible.

At times, I feel like Alexander Pope,
Ranting and raving and having lost hope
That readers have any brains left at all.
The stories they love just fill me with gall.
Books just need to star a hero adored,
To be treated as if a gift from the Lord.
Critics heap praise on the worst ever made,
Hoping for blurbs on the front of the trade.
"A visual spectacle!" writes CBR
On piss running down the back of the bar.
"Gutsy change of pace!" I guess that describes
Nocenti's Catwoman without any lies.
But "Well-done...inviting" for J.T. Krul's
Short work on Green Arrow? What are we? Fools?
"Exceptional" for Lobdell's Titans Teen?
Crave Online, that blurb is almost obscene.
IGN's Superboy quote, "lotta fun,"
Must have been written at the point of a gun.
And now I've begun to feel like a dope,
Because I've remembered I fucking hate Pope.

I don't hate Lois Lane but boy do I hate the way she's portrayed sometimes.

Who does Lois Lane fucking think she is and what does she think journalism is all about? This isn't a story that only she can break. This is the kind of story she should avoid because every fucking hack is going to write a piece on the destruction of New York by a gigantic robot and his pink balls. Does she believe she's the only journalist with something important to say? That she's the only one that's going to have some kind of insightful spin on this disaster? Why is her stupid fucking blog the main thing on her mind while the city is being destroyed and her life is in danger? I guess if I were a Writer's Writer, I'd get all pretentious about how writers truly observe shit and how they see things in microscopic details that others miss and a whole bunch of other self-congratulatory bullshit that writers love to write about when they can't think of anything else to write. How many of Lois's blog entries begin, "Being a writer allows me to...blah blah blah." Fuck you!

Being a writer, I understand that I could come up with literally one or two words other than "fuck" when swearing. But, being a writer, I pick and choose my words carefully. And anybody that thinks "fuck" can be overused can go fuck themselves right in their fucking fuckholes.

Meanwhile, Superman, who is also a writer, flies in to save New York while not thinking, "I can't wait to tweet this shit all over my social blogosphere!" He does not think, "Lois Lane is going to be so pissed when Clark scoops her on this story! She'll be all, 'Superman flew in to save the day!' And Clark will be all, 'Superman, having been making a living farming in Africa since the end of the Earth-2 Wars, learned of a threat against Manhattan from a smarmy English Bloke named John Constantine, who smelled of corn chips and stale cigarettes. Superman told me that while he was flying into battle, he was thinking, "I can't wait to tell my story to Clark Kent because he always picks exactly the right words to make the reader feel as if they were there in the heart of the action. Unlike that hack Lois Lane!"'" No, you know what? He probably was thinking exactly that.

Meanwhile in space, Hawkman flies into Mega-Brainiac's spaceship and realizes this guy doesn't just collect worlds!

He collects universes! I mean, he collects fucking universes!

Of course Donna Troy is front and center because she's one of the best symbols about how DC's penchant for "fixing" their universe always creates just as many problems as the fix was expected to solve. Also pictured in Mega-Brainiac's Universe Collection? Adam West's Batman! It's now DC Canon, people! Adam West Batman is just as real as Frank Miller's Dark Knight! And you know what that means, right? Julie Newmar's Catwoman is now the hottest Catwoman in all of DC's canon versions of Catwoman!

Also featured: Ambush Bug! Because fuck yeah, that's why!

Also featured: Harbinger, Pariah, and Lady Quark because we're going to need some Anti-Monitor nonsense to really spice this shit up.

Also featured: Legion of Super-heroes and the Justice Society because that shit will need to come back because people miss it for some reason.

Hawkman comes face to face with Shayera and then gets the multiverses knocked out of him.

I was once hit this hard which is why I have no other future possibilities other than writing commentaries on DC Comics.

Mister Terrific watches Manhattan engulfed in a pink dome as Mega-Brainiac taunts him. Mega-Brainiac thinks Mister Terrific is dumbfounded by the sheer magnitude of Mega-Brainiac's destruction but he's wrong. Mister Terrific is merely thinking about how this is totally fucking up the uSphere's launch.

Mega-Brainiac also discusses omnipotence and he totally gets it! It's what I've been saying forever! Both ways forever! Because I'm sure this won't be the last time I say it!

See? I wrote this back in Wonder Woman #25: "I pointed out that if you're omnipotent, you would experience all things and all times as one quick and furious "now" moment. Omnipotence would make immortality a brief experience." I couldn't find where I originally mused about it since it's hard to sort through over two thousand commentaries. It was probably in one with Scott Lobdell's Oracle character though.

So Bruce interrupts Mister Terrific's conversation with Mega-Brainiac while Plastique and Tim Drake explore the rest of the building.

McG? Oh! She means Terry McBatman! It's hard keeping characters straight when the characters don't call each other by the names I made up for them.

Polaris, Shazaperman, and Firestorm teleport down to Manhattan to battle Baby Mega-Brainiac because Superman is out of shape, cramped up, and fell into the bay. Now the Justice League has to call on all the heroes (and probably villains) everywhere to help battle this new cosmic threat! Too bad this wasn't Marvel because all of the heroes and villains would already be in Manhattan ready to fight. But being DC, the heroes and villains have to travel from all over the world to join the fight.

They're unable to stop Baby Mega-Brainiac from hooking up his Manhattan Transfer to Mega-Brainiac in orbit. But they still have thirteen minutes before the connection is complete because that's like some kind of Super Villain Union Rule. You can't immediately defeat the good guys. You have to give them a fighting chance. Although during the transfer, Ray Palmer is obliterated by the same Pink Multiuniversal light that disintegrated Hawkman. Or did it? They probably just got transferred into Convalescence earlier than the rest of the New 52 Universe.

Futures End #41 Rating: +2 Ranking. Things are really ramping up nicely now that Convocation is nearly here! Plus two super heroes "died" this issue! Isn't that what this stupid book is supposed to be about? Heroes dying because it's an elseworld's story in which writers can kill heroes willy-nilly?! That's what I was expecting, anyway. And I've been sorely disappointed so far! Almost as disappointed in the same lack of deaths over in Suicide Squad.

Oh! And in the Next Issue Mural: Tara Markov! Preboot version! You know, the only version that matters!

Futures End #31

Guess who had a cookie today?! Me!

Why are people so sad that Ronnie Raymond died? It's not like Firestorm died! Just the self-hating homosexual star quarterback! I can see why his lover, Jason Rusch, would be sad. But that's about it. As long as Firestorm is still kicking about, the Justice League has no reason to give a fuck. Plus the new Firestorm has tits! The Justice League needs more tits! I mean women! I hope nobody was offended that I said "tits" when I meant "women." It's a natural mistake being that I'm so super masculine and manly, I can't even hide how much I love to do it to women! Whenever I'm up in the club, the other guys always come up to me and go, "Duuuuude! I might as well be a woman!" And I'm all, "Yeah, bra. Totes." Then I giggle and continue to dance with my hands in the air causing my crop top to rise up to expose my belly ring up front and my thong in the back. Then the babes all flock to me and dance all around me and occasionally one of them will get really close to my face and shout over the throbbing bass, "You should meet my brother." And I'm all, "Yeah? Cool." Because I guess her brother is totally masculine and cool too and we could watch football together and shotgun beers and belch and stuff.

I really love waffle fries too, so I guess that's like a totally manly man thing to do. Some time when I meet a super hot chick that's totally the kind of woman that manly men would go for, I'm going to sidle up to her and say, "Hey, my little chile pepper. How'd you like to go back to my place. We could eat waffle fries and marathon some Mad Men." And she'll be all, "Which seasons?" And I'll be all, "Four and five of the former, garlic salt and a dash of red pepper flakes on the latter. I mean, the other way around. Dammit! I totally screwed that up." Then we'd probably wind up married or something with like dozens of kids cause I probably have super sperm being that I'm so super manly. And she'd probably die in child birth on the 25th kid and I'd be so sad and despondent but at the funeral, all the ladies would be all, "Want to do it in the casket?" And I'd be all, "Oh yeah!" Then they'd see me opening my wife's casket and they'd be all, "No, no! We meant in an empty one!" Then I'd totally blush and act embarrassed which would be so super manly that all of their clothes would fall right off and even the priest would have to admit that he was turned on a little by my manliness.

I probably shouldn't brag so much about my gift! You poor comic book loving dorks are probably super envious of me right now and wishing you were half as manly as I am. Well, I have some advice for you: stop wearing those superhero t-shirts that look like they were airbrushed in a kiosk at the state fair. Those are totally not manly. Also, eat more corndogs in public. That's super hot.

Okay, stop thinking about my manliness! It's time to concentrate on Futures End where Lois Lane is holding a press conference to get as many people as possible to visit her website. Hey! That's a good idea! I bet one of the crappy local news station in this area would be willing to do a story on me since I live in the area and am local and they're total fucking whores who don't really report real news anyway.

Is it really an international coverup? Or is it just an out of control corporation with the world's deadliest mercenary slash superhero bounty hunter on its payroll?

As Lois exposes Cadmus's crimes to the world, Brother Eye plays Angry Birds on her cell phone. Except who plays Angry Birds anymore? Just insert whatever the newest waste of time app is most popular in place of Angry Birds. I don't have a smart phone, so how should I know how the masses are bringing about the end of the world?

Back on Green Arrow Island (narcissist much?), Animal Man and his brood come for a visit. Looks like Buddy and Ollie have become fast friends after all that flirting they've been doing over in Justice League United. Or Canada. Whatever!

It's been five years and Cliffy hasn't returned from the dead? What kind of second-rate comic book world is this?

I may be a bit lukewarm to most of this Futures End stuff, but Buddy and Ollie hanging out together on Green Arrow Beach on Green Arrow Island drinking Green Arrows from the Green Arrow Beach Bar is a sweet and emotional moment that made me tear up a bit. In a manly way! The way men tear up when they've flexed too many muscles at once!

Opposite this page was a nightmare inducing advertisement for SuperHeroStuff.com. Although I think I might want to fuck Robin now while slapping the stupid grin from Nightwing's face.

I hope Ollie has banned all technology from the island so that when Brother Eye takes over, he can stay in retirement.

Meanwhile in Tunguska, Constantine and Superman (and some Brainiac devotee named Midge (should I remember her?!)) meet up with Ursa Major, some cosmic Brainiac Bear that, I suppose, arrived in 1908 according to the best television show to ever show on television, In Search Of. Although they might not have mentioned the bear back then. I think that was a secret up until now.

Speaking of a bear, have you read N. Scott Momaday's The Ancient Child? I don't know who it would resonate with but it spoke to me while in college as I was in a major transformative time of my life. It didn't hurt that it revolved around the Kiowa myth of Devil's Tower, an object I practically revered as a young child. Just, you know, a book suggestion for all you college kids!

Constantine tells Superman that he needs to go back home to stop Brainiac and his harvesting. I think. I hate to admit any weakness being that I'm hypermasculine, but I'm really not quite sure what it's all about. The Bear told Superman he would be spared because Brainiac liked his dad. But he doesn't seem to offer an alternative to Earth being harvested!

Back in Pittsburgh, Ronnie and Madison try to come to terms with being merged together permanently.

That sly dog! Jason mentions Madison thinking about Tim's cock because he wants her to start thinking about Tim's cock!

Madison decides not to tell Tim Drake that she's alive because then Jason Rusch might get a sneak peak at all the things she wants to do to Tim and who wants Jason Rusch orgasming in her head?

Futures End #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is a lot better when it takes its time with its scenes. I think because there were so many "deaths" last issue, the writers felt the story could use a little down time this issue. Plus Ronnie Raymond needed to be buried. I'm mostly excited to watch Buddy and Oliver's friendship develop into the close friendship seen in this issue. And since Jeff Lemire is working on both, I'm optimistic that he'll continue to develop it over in Justice League United. Or Canada. Whatever!

Futures End #25

DC should include a pull-out poster that unfolds into the long, pink Preboot background that's been stretching across the cover since Issue #23.

I recently posted a quote from Generation X by Douglas Coupland about how depressing it is when a friend buys a house because they lose something of their personality to their investment of such a profoundly expensive and long-term commitment. That may be true but I find it depressing in another way. When I recently returned from visiting my friend Doom Bunny in Denver (where I stayed with his family in their house), I told the Non-Certified Spouse, "Remind me how depressed I feel now the next time I act excited to go visit Doom Bunny in a year or two." Because I'd forgotten how depressed the trip made me the time previous until a few days into the visit when I began to feel awkward and hopeless. You see, the depression doesn't stem from the points Douglas Coupland made. I don't really see any substantial changes in my friend Doom Bunny now that he has a family and is married and owns a home. No, he was always meant for that because he fit in long before marriage or kids or home ownership. Society has always worked for him. What depresses me is that I can't find that place of comfort and ease and fitting in. Being there simply reminded me that I do not belong in the culture I was born into. I cannot find security and happiness without making some serious trade offs to who I am. Hell, I don't even know if I could attempt to make those trade offs. It takes something that I don't have within me. And it isn't that I don't want to be a cog in the machine. I would love to be a happy little peaceful cog in the machine! It's that my cog simply wasn't made for this machine. And there is no starker reminder that I don't fit in then spending time with somebody who wholeheartedly does (or, at least, seems to).

I wrote something many years ago about how I know the secret to being happy. But knowing the secret and knowing that you are unable to execute that secret is far more depressing than not knowing at all. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. I would love to fit, and to do what needs to be done without any qualms, to be able to make friends as an adult, to be able to interact with human beings, to take a job and put my head down and collect my benefits and feel secure and, well, to feel...complacent. I've lived forty years on this stinking planet and I have no idea how they all do it. So I guess I'll just keep on bumbling about the labyrinth, trying not to give too many fucks about it, and hiding myself in comic book worlds.

Ugh. I just want to delete the previous two paragraphs. But then I'd have to think up something else to write! Laziness trumps whatever that other emotion I am feeling is!

Currently, the New Stormwatch's old ship, the Carrier, is being overrun with Baby Brainiacs.

What the fuck, Black Adam? You use magic! Stop being so judgmental and/or hypocritical! Also, how is "punching something" modern?!

Everybody is relying on Angie the Engineer to interface with The Carrier and get it started again. Aren't any of them suspicious that The Engineer, who is constantly being taken over by other intelligences, has shaken off Brainiac's control so easily?! She's probably going to download Brainiac right into the Carrier so that the can travel the Bleed and invade Earth next issue! I only say "next issue" as a way of saying he'll be able to reach Earth quickly. But as we have seen, the plot moves so slowly in this comic book that it'll still probably take him a few more months.

Maybe I'm being too suspicious. I don't like being too suspicious! It makes me feel like I'm a regular denizen of the internet that doesn't believe anything simply so that they'll never be fooled by anyone.

I hope they hyperbled into the Pre-Crisis DC Universe!

I think I use too many exclamation points. But how is the reader supposed to know how exciting everything is if I don't use them? The reader might get bored if I just use periods all of the time. See? This paragraph is intensely boring. I'm falling asleep typing it. Oh period. You are so dull!

While fighting robots in space is well deserving of lots and lots of exclamation points, meeting the new Team Seven is worth whatever the opposite of the exclamation point is. The dexclamation point?

I wish a lexicon was a collection of words that mean the opposite of other words.

The new Team 7 (or should it be Team 8?) Ha ha! That looks like a funny face! 8?) Ha ha!

Um, anyway, the new Team 7 is composed of Fifty Sue, Deathstroke, Grifter, King Faraday, and Twofer Lana Lang. That makes it comprised of 40% old Team 7 members! Unless my calculator is lying to me.

Faraday teleports away because he can teleport and because he doesn't want to be a part of Team 7+. Now 50% of the team is comprised of old Team 7 members! I hope I'm impressing everyone with my mathematical abilities.

Fifty Sue wants to take Cadmus Island back from Brother Eye and to do that, she needs one of the team members to sacrifice themselves. I suppose that's going to have to be Twofer Lana Lang since nobody cares about Twofers.

Oh yeah. Superman is fighting the Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger. It's actually much more exciting than that last sentence made it sound but I thought I should lay off the exclamation points for awhile.

Constantine explains to Superman that Brainiac isn't just a smart robot whose name came to be used as a sarcastic way of calling people stupid. He's actually some kind of God Machine that falls out of the sky to completely obliterate the plot. Constantine also mentions that he exists outside of space and time which must be why he lives in a black hole (as seen in Doomed #2).

Superman battles the Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger while Constantine babbles on and on about Brainiac. After Superman defeats the robot, Constantine says, "Oh yeah. If you defeat the machine, you'll fail." Whoops! Maybe he should have mentioned that first thing. Constantine surmises that the machine was just a measuring instrument to figure out how strong Superman was so that Brainiac could destroy him when Brainiac (the real, God Machine Brainiac) finally arrives on Earth. Constantine's plan is to chase the Measuring Machine through a cosmic portal to infinity located somewhere in New Jersey. Because if they don't stop it, the Earth is doomed. Probably. I just made that up because isn't that always what happens if comic book characters don't do what needs to be done?

Back at Columbia University, Madison moves a little too quickly for Ronnie Raymond which causes him to flee back to his ex-boyfriend for advice on whom he should speak with about heterosexual problems.

They aren't really friends! They're ex-lovers! That was too exciting a revelation for mere periods.

What actually happened is that Ronnie heard one of those ubiquitous news broadcasts informing everybody that needs to know that a tidal wave was about to hit Samoa. What better opportunity to get some sex with an ex than a natural disaster? Mergetown, USA, here Ronnie comes! And Jason too, probably.

Jason isn't at all happy to see Ronnie. Who would be? They were married way back in The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #0 and then Ronnie started denying his homosexuality and trying to bang cheerleaders. I bet, in his anger, Jason uses him as the first ever non-Justice League Member human teleportation guinea pig!

Sniff, sniff. This moment is practically lifted straight from an Armistead Maupin book.

Professor Toomuchsake has been spying on Jason in the lab and now knows he and Ronnie Raymond are Firestorm. And since Professor Toomuchsake thinks the Justice League is responsible for every death in the world because they haven't given the public their teleportation technology, he now plans on getting revenge against Jason. Which probably means using Jason (and maybe Ronnie as well) as his soon-to-be Brundlefly.

Futures End #25 Rating: No change. I don't care about Jason and Ronnie so the whole last half of this issue was wasted on their love affair. Why can't they just fuck already? And I don't mean merge as Firestorm! They need to forget about being a hero and concentrate on being a couple. What I really wanted to read about was where New Stormwatch went in their carrier! With all of these Preboot images on the last few covers, and then Constantine's revelation that Brainiac exists outside of space and time, I'm really hoping the New Stormwatch takes a trip to any one of the Preboot DC Universes!