Team 7 #6

Was it so long ago I would have cheered this cover? Alas, poor Grifter. You sucked.

Last issue had the Deathstroke of the present working with the Lynch of the present who is supposed to be dead and who Deathstroke was just about to begin hunting at the end of Deathstroke #18. So I guess he found him at the beginning of Team 7 #5! Apparently Deathstork Deathstroke needs to kill some creature called Spartan to save the world. Or something. It's much harder to remember exactly what was happening when I don't really care about the characters in the comic book.

The issue begins in the past when Team 7 first encountered Spartan. The cyborg had taken over the facility it was created in. Since Caitlin Fairchild was apprenticing in the Cyborg Department of the Advanced Prosthetic Research Center, that meant she was trapped inside with the creature. And according to future Lynch, she winds up dead! And then probably cloned 13 times by her grief-stricken father.

Maybe. I might be getting ahead of myself.

As they're landing, Ramos the pilot develops a sudden and severe bowel problem.

It's possible I meant severed bowel problem.

I guess that's one member of Team 7 down! I don't think Ramos was important anyway. But since I don't know anything about the Wildstorm Universe unless it was written by Warren Ellis, I could be wrong. Perhaps she'll be okay later thanks to Project Majestic. Or maybe her body will be carted off to Project Ascension.

Apparently Ramos wasn't important because Waller declares her dead. Although! Waller is known for lying! So maybe Ramos IS important! Oh I'm so confused! At least Deathstroke predicts more of his team will be killed on this mission. That's a comforting thought. Although I don't think anybody else is expendable. Higgins might be Midnighter. Fairchild has to clone Caitlin. Deathstroke has his own title. Cole Cash used to have his own title. Amanda Waller runs the Suicide Squad. Dinah Lance is Black Canary. And Kurt Lance can't die until he has an affair with Amanda Waller and gets his penis butter in her chocolate eggs. So I don't think anybody else is allowed to be killed. Well, that blows all the tension!

Team 7 survives the crash because Ramos was the best pilot in the DC Universe! But when they exit the craft, they're set upon by a bunch of cyborgs chanting, "Caitlin, help me!" Team 7 executes Plan It's The Only Plan We Have and begins shooting everything that moves.

Eventually they encounter Caitlin and Alex runs in to hug her. Godammit! Hugging is not a part of Plan It's The Only Plan We Have! Shoot her! You were supposed to shoot her! Oh well. Now you're going to pay the price.

Okay. I guess I don't know my Gen 13 history very well! Two down!

It's okay! She doesn't kill any more of them because Deathstroke blows her head off. But she wasn't the Level Boss, so they have to keep shooting things.

Team 7 meets Dr. Henshaw who somehow kept his mind when Spartan assimilated all of the other workers at the facility. Although his body is a bit fucked up, being composed of office chairs and toilets and Commodore 64s. If he survives, I don't know how he's going to integrate back into society. Perhaps he can get a job at the Post Office.

Meanwhile, Bronson wasn't allowed to come on this mission because he didn't answer the phone when Waller called to tell him he needed to go on this mission. But Bronson was the one The Spartan really wanted to assimilate, so it left the research facility to attack Bronson while he's having dinner with his family.

Dinner with the uninvited guest doesn't go so well.

The Spartan transfers its "core" to Bronson, possessing him and activating his meta-gene. He turns into some flying superguy with blazing electric eyes. He's probably a Wildstorm guy, so somebody else can tell me who he became. Wildstorm's version of Superman? The one that isn't Apollo, I mean.

Team 7 #6 Rating: No change. This was a quick read but it was better than the last couple of issues. I guess I simply enjoyed seeing a good portion of the team killed. But what about Caitlin Fairchild? What's going to happen there? I guess clones! Maybe she was the person inside Clone Tube #1 with Superboy? I doubt it though. I think the first clone was a failure, got tossed in the Dumpster out back, and crawled off to live a life of super villainy.

Team 7 #5

Here we go again! Got a problem? Shoot it in the face! Problem solved!

Spartan has a couple of pouches on his belt, so I'm guessing he's from the Wildstorm Universe. I'm also guessing that the guy with the pouches on his belt is Spartan! I don't know who the red head is. Maybe it's Barbara Gordon's mother? Whoever it is, my guess is she's part of Team 7's second mission!

The issue begins by informing the reader that the location of the story is The Pacific and the time it takes place is Now. But what does it mean by now? Does that mean concurrent with the other New 52 stories that came out this week? Or does that mean five or more years ago when Team 7 began? These out of time stories are confusing. Since the next page shows Deathstroke infiltrating the ship flying over the Pacific, my guess is that this story actually takes place now. Problem solved and I didn't have to shoot it in the face!

Deathstroke shoots a bunch of problems and then encounters John Lynch who decides they should talk about the past! But the flashback sequence doesn't have either of them in it, so I don't know why they're reminiscing about it. Perhaps it's because Caitlin Fairchild as a teenager is in it and she's working on cybernetics for Team 7. Perhaps they both had illegal crushes on her. Unless she was eighteen. I bet she was eighteen since five years later she'd be twenty three and that seems about the right age for the young Ravagers to think of her as an old person.

Also in their flashback is Dr. Henshaw working on some guy they call Spartan. He seems to be a robot but I don't know where he came from. They don't seem to completely understand how he works, so I don't think they created him. And everybody keeps dropping Dr. Stone's name as well. Maybe Spartan is a Cyborg prototype.

Slade and Alex Fairchild have a bit of an intimate chat over beer. Nobody gets shot. Then Black Canary confronts John Lynch about what the fuck he means to do with Team 7 besides get them killed.

This is his answer. Stop jerks from using kids that can mutilate other kids as weapons.

So John Lynch began Team 7 because he was afraid of people with super powers. No wait! That's not true! He began Team 1 because he was afraid of people with super powers! But I guess everyone in Team 1 died just like Black Canary is afraid is going to happen to her and her teammates. She has a right to be worried though, right?! They are Team 7! Lynch has managed to kill six other whole teams! But what Black Canary is really worried about is that Lynch has begun experimenting on the members of Team 7 in Project Majestic. He's changing them and giving them super powers so that they can effectively combat super powered threats. That's probably a good idea seeing as how they only had bullets on their first mission and those weren't very effective.

The last part of their memory was about Caitlin Fairchild walking in on the cybernetic lab to find that it was changing everyone into cyborgs. Or Spartan was changing everyone into cyborgs. Something was changing everything into cyborgs, anyway! Since the cover declares Spartan was attacking, my guess is he's the one changing everybody.

And then it's back to the present where Deathstroke tries to solve his John Lynch problem the only way members of Team 7 know how! Remember? We've been over this a few times already!

Did Caitlin die? Is the current Caitlin Fairchild a clone? Is that what the Gen 13 project was all about? Clones? Seriously. I don't know! I never read Gen 13!

Whatever happened long ago, whatever possibly killed Caitlin, also killed an entire country, according to Lynch. I don't know what country. Probably Markovia or some other made up DC country. But whatever did it (Spartan, probably!), it's coming back and Lynch needs Deathstroke to help stop it. So I guess next issue will tackle Slade killing it in the present and Team 7 getting their asses kicked by it in the past.

Team 7 #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. I just found this entire issue rather boring. I think I lost interest in Team 7 three issues ago!

Team 7 #4

Comic books use the term "unleashed" way too often. Especially since I've never seen a leash on anyone. Not even Titus. Or Krypto. Or G'nort.

Eclipso is supposed to be some powerful manifestation of an ancient God of some sort, so his appearance should create an air of serious tension. How will Team 7 stop him? Will he take over the entire world? He's a God! Even Batman can't stop him (hyperbole). But whenever I see Eclipso, all I can think about is one of DC's biggest gaffs in the history of their storytelling! I know I've mentioned this before but it bears repeating. Eclipso can be driven out of the body he's possessing by sunlight. So in Eclipso's big summer crossover event back in the early nineties, he had his base on the dark side of the moon. Of course, there is no dark side of the moon. It's simply the term for the side of the moon that constantly faces away from the Earth (incidentally, the side we NEVER see due to the moon's rotation (yes, it rotates. If it didn't, we'd see every side of it) being such that it constantly faces the Earth with the same exact face). Which obviously means that every side of the moon, at some point, faces the sun and is thus not totally dark. Which means the Eclipso crossover would have ended almost as soon as it began. Good job, DC!

But it's not fair to hold that against this Eclipso! This is the rebooted Eclipso that is probably smarter than to establish his base on the moon! Perhaps he'll take over Supergirl's underwater sanctuary since that's a stupid place for her to have a base since she needs the sun to give her power! They should make a tradesie.

Currently in Team 7, Slade Wilson has been possessed by Eclipso and is ready to septimate his Team. The only problem with that is I know Kurt Lance doesn't die. Nor does Grifter. Nor does Amanda Waller. Nor does Slade Wilson (although he wouldn't kill himself. I don't think. Eclipso is kind of a weird guy). Also I still can't get past the notion that there are only seven people on the team when there are ten! So I should have just said decimate!

The little white haired girl (not Essence! The native girl!) was also stolen by the smoke monsters and everyone should remember her because I'm pretty sure she's going to end up being Rose Wilson.

The issue begins with Team 7's guns being ineffective against Eclipso Slade Wilson. And since shooting things is really their only plan, they have to retreat while Essence pelts Eclipso with ink blots.

I think Team 7 needs to stick to fighting things that aren't immune to bullets.

It's a good thing Essence met up with them on the island because Team 7 would be dead right now. Fairchild already shot the Black Diamond and it didn't break. I'm pretty sure that was their only plan. So it's time to retreat and let the people with super powers take care of Eclipso. Which is kind of sad because Team 7 is supposed to be policing super powered people and keeping them in line. It looks like they're going to need to invent new weapons after this. Bullets are no better than pointed sticks in this new era of wonders.

But Cole Cash doesn't believe guns are useless! He just has to believe strongly enough and they'll save the day! He believes that if everybody carried a gun, nobody would ever die! It's the only solution to gun violence and it will make everyone immortal! It'll be like one gigantic Mexican Standoff! Except the crazy person always shoots first because he doesn't give a shit about living or dying. So that's kind of a fault in the everyone should have guns plan. And violence against women goes really fucking badly when her partner has a gun handy. But Cole Cash is a responsible gun owner! He only shoots at any random fucking thing that he imagines is threatening his life. So what could be wrong with that? Anyway, Cole has a plan!

You know, speaking about more guns making people safer, how come nobody came forward saying that Trayvon Martin should have had a gun to protect himself? After all, he was the one approached, confronted, and then killed by some random stranger. How does that become self-defense when the killer instigated the entire encounter? That sounds more like looking for an excuse to shoot someone with your legal-to-carry gun.

Since Essence was turned into a sword by Eclipso, I guess it's up to Grifter to defeat Eclipso! And Grifter has the upper hand here because Eclipso put his Black Diamond in his pouch! Fuck yeah! Grifter knows mother fucking pouches! He knows makes and models and how many can comfortably fit across a belt and a shoulder holster and a rugged yet light vest. He knows the makers of the best pouches to keep bullets in. He knows how to maximize the space on a person's body to fill it with pouches so he always has a billion rounds of ammunition. And he knows exactly how to make a person explode so that the pouch at their side becomes unattached from the belt!

"No! My snuff!"

The smoke monster island ghosts delay Eclipso long enough for Cole and Essence to get back to Team 7 and explain the new plan. Essence pulls a sword out of a wall and tells Team 7 it is a magic sword that can hurt Eclipso (and maybe kill Slade. But no risk, no unpossessed teammate, amirite?). If I were Team 7, I'd ask Essence if she could turn the sword into bullets because Slade Wilson is their sword guy and he's kind of busy at the moment. Apparently Amanda Waller is their back up sword fighter because Essence gives the sword to her and tells her to buck the fuck up and kill children if necessary because Amanda and Dinah seem to have a problem with killing one thousand children if it means saving the world. I mean, if it were the ONLY way to save the world, I could probably do it. Or if there were another way to save the world but I'd have to walk a few miles to get there and the children were right next to me, I'd probably kill the children.

Now that they have their new plan, Eclipso barges in looking for his pouch. And Team 7 does the only thing they know how to do.

"You have to have faith in the bullets, Kurt! BELIEVE IN THE BULLETS! BELIEVE!"

I guess Essence didn't actually pick Amanda to wield the sword since Fairchild is the one that sneaks up on Eclipso Slade Wilson and stabs him in the back. I guess Essence just meant "you guys." My mistake!

So Fairchild stabs Slade and Eclipso leaks out of Slade's mouth in a big black cloud. Cole flashes the Black Diamond and Eclipso is once again bound up in his prison. Time to take the Black Diamond back to John Lynch so he can sell it to ARGUS (unless Lynch is working with ARGUS? Does ARGUS exist yet?) and they can shove it under a tarp in the Black Room. Perhaps Team 7 becomes ARGUS or is part of ARGUS in the way that the Black Razors and the Blackhawks were merged into some kind of fuzzy unit.

The issue ends with Lynch asking Slade if he wants to take part in Project Majestic. I guess that's what turns him into the super soldier he becomes.

Team 7 #4 Rating: No change. I'm sorry to see that the white haired girl never made another appearance in this issue. Perhaps she heard Team 7 say "Slade Wilson" a number of times so she just ends up taking the name Wilson when she's found by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. in later years. The rest of the comic book was filled with a lot of ineffective gunfire because that's the only solution Team 7 knows and applies it to every problem. Even when they already know the solution doesn't work for that particular problem. I guess if bullets can't solve the problem, they can at least provide a distraction until the real solution presents itself.

Team 7 #1

"Defensive formation: PHARAOH'S TOMB!"

This cover is classic. It's everything about 90's comics stuffed into a single space. But it's done well! The art is fantastic. The guns are believable. Amanda Waller is a little bit chubby. Deathstroke is cockily holding his sword so awkwardly that I wouldn't be surprised if this is how he loses his eye. Grifter is full of pouches and shooting two guns at different targets. They're in a ridiculous formation but one that actually comes closer to possible than any Image cover ever did. Dinah Lance looks like her canary arm would snap as soon as that gun began firing.

I think I'm actually looking forward to reading a comic where everyone is shooting guns wildly! I'm expecting this comic to be dumb fun, especially after this cover.

Oh! I was also informed by reader Jill Johansen that Team 7 was named Team 7 simply because they replaced Team 6. That's a pretty depressing way to name your teams. I think I prefer Suicide Squad. At least Amanda was up front about it.

Captain Sideburns: "Um, hey newbs! You guys will be called Team 1!"
Newb #1: "Cool! Will we be working with Team 2?"
Captain Sideburns: "Not exactly."

Okay. Everybody ready to learn the secret history of THE NEW 52?! I am!

The comic book begins by reminding me that Captain Sideburn's real name is John Lynch. I doubt I'll remember that since there are ten other people in this comic book whose names I need to remember. Team 7's first mission (if I'm reading the report name "T7-M1" correctly) was to secure a place called Facility 9. Captain Sideburns must have a mental condition that causes him to number everything. "Oh man! Testicle 2 is really fucking hurting right now!"

This one time, I was chopping Jalapenos and then went to the bathroom without thinking about it. Nobody ever says you have to wash your hands BEFORE you use the bathroom! Afterward, I had to head get something out of the car and as I was walking to the car, I suddenly had this intense feeling from my groin that kind of felt like I had to urinate. And each step I took, it began to feel less and less like an urge and more and more like HOLY FUCKING BURNING! I don't think this incident actually taught me anything.

So Team 7 is on their way to their first mission while John Lynch adds to his report that the biggest problem with Team 7 was Team 7. What an ass!

This is their plane. It's probably called Pink Slipper 4.

It also looks like this first mission goes tits up because it's full of gigantic egos. But before shit starts hitting fans, Captain Sideburns explains that Facility 9 is the place they stick the super humans they capture. It's the Guantanamo Bay of super villains. And super heroes. Either way. It's a floating prison and they lost radio contact with it. It's probably chock full of super powered people captured by Teams 1-6.

As they attempt to land on the floating prison, its defenses begin blasting away. Waller was supposed to put the puzzle pieces together and she apparently got them wrong because she had the cover image upside down. She said the defenses were off but they were exactly the opposite! They were on! And the crazy ass pilot, Ramos, was too crazy to see that the guns were tracking them. She dodges all of the lasers which proves she's the second best pilot in the world (Hal Jordan is probably the best) but she can't dodge the missiles!

"Pink Slipper 4 is hit! Initiate emergency procedure "Eating Taco Bell Before the Marathon!"

I'm going to interrupt myself for a second to say this: Grifter has had two speech bubbles worth of dialogue so far in this comic and they outshine everything he's ever said in his own comic book. No, they're not particularly worthy of being quoted or scanned. They just sound like a normal person taking part in abnormal conversation as opposed to a stupid guy trying to act quick witted. I should also point out that Kurt Lance and Slade Wilson have some seriously douchey facial hair.

Kurt Lance wins the award of First Appearance of a Nineties Attitude in Issue #1.

Apparently a "Dump and Run" is where the pilot sort of gets near the landing site and shoves everyone the fuck off the ship without parachutes. Everybody lands without injury even though they weren't trained for this because not one of these people knew what a dump and run was. Well, everybody but Kurt Lance lands without injury. He tumbles right off the fucking prison. But he won't plummet to his death because Dinah kills him later! Instead, Bronson jumps over the edge to save him.

Bronson just looks like an overly muscled Blue Beetle. Maybe I should be putting Ted Kord's face on him?

Slade ruffles some feathers because he's acting like the best because he is the best. And Waller is actually wearing a cap with the Team 7 logo on it! I hope this team isn't supposed to be covert!

Waller gets everybody up to speed before they enter Facility 9. Apparently she learned everything she knows from John Lynch since the intelligence he gave the team left out "non-mission-relevant details." Sort of the way Amanda doesn't tell her Squad that Mitch Shelley can resurrect every time he dies. While they're arguing about the mission parameters and how to get inside, Cole Cash takes action by blowing a hole in the roof with some C4 he pulled out of his ass (I mean, Pouch 32) and jumping inside.

How does the rest of the team take him seriously with that stupid handkerchief on his face and all of those fucking pouches? Jesus Merino is completely making fun of Jim Lee and his Image buddies (especially Liefeld, amirite?) at this point. He's going to lose his fucking job!

Grifter is saying "Well damn" because the place is in shambles and the walls are covered in blood and writing. Waller says the writing is "pre-Sumerian" which makes Waller ridiculously smart to recognize that or a complete liar making shit up as she goes along. Since the writing looks more like a modern alphabet made with alien lines, my guess is she's a gigantic bullshitter.

The team finds a single person cowering under some wreckage. Dinah calls her a civilian but she's hiding a secret!

Eclipso!

Team Seven bats this woman around a bit as she bares her fangs and slashes at them with claws and speaks in a scraggly font. Eventually they they just line up in Offensive Formation: Firing Line and blow the shit out of her. For a second, the team thinks they're safe. But they're all too Rebooty to remember The Darkness Within, the Eclipso crossover from the early nineties. So they don't know how Eclipso works. But they're going to find out soon enough!

Darkness Falls sounds like it should be a drama on The CW.

Team 7 #1 Rating: +2 Ranking. This is like a 90s comic written by an actual writer instead of an artist's best friend. The dialogue is well done and isn't completely full of the characters smarting off to one another or simply acting tougher than the next guy. The art is the 90s style but not so much that it distracts me since I'm not a big fan. It's a good mix. I also like that the fucking comic has a story and a plot! The characters aren't just reacting to something. John Lynch has plans for the Team that may be a bit manipulative. But the Team's goal of controlling the world's new super crazies and keeping a lid on the chaos at least has them moving toward something. I'm pleasantly surprised that I'm enjoying Team 7.

Team Seven #0

My first consideration was should I title this commentary "Team Seven" or "Team 7"? I went with Team Seven because that's what it says on the cover image to help readers interpret the really crappy looking T7 logo. Who thought up that piece of shit? Maybe I should back it up and simply ask who thought up the name Team Seven? Was this a Jim Lee thing? Because the name does not scream excitement or action. It screams, "This team has seven people on it!"

My next assignment before opening this comic book is to look up Justin Jordan. I can't say things look promising or not promising since his past work takes up just as many sentences as the work he's already done in the future. Here's 1/3 of his bio from ComicVine dot com: "In December of 2012, Jordan would go on to take writing duties for The New 52 title Deathstroke with issue #15, and launch the Luther Strode sequel, The Legend of Luthor Strode." Did I fall into a coma recently? Is it now 2013?! I think the DC Editors must be responsible for editing ComicVine.

Also, Justin Jordan has one monster of a neckbeard. Take that for what you will.

I'm not really very interested in this title. Most of the reasons are right there on the cover: gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun. I'm not sure what Deathstroke is going to do with his sword after the other six members have their say. And I'm not anti-gun at all! I just find that comic books where the protagonist wields a gun tend toward a type of action that I'm less interested in than say a protagonist that pulls rabbits out of his hat.

Here's a short story about how I used to have an irrational fear of guns (okay, a fear of guns isn't entirely irrational. But many people spend so much time on their fear of guns that they never feel safe at all if they know they exist). In high school, I wrote a paper about gun control because guns worried me. In college I reused the same paper with updated information. But I did sometimes worry down in my basement apartment with no real good lock on the door that if someone came down with a gun, I was in big trouble. Why did I worry about this? Who the fuck knows? Often it was just the kind of scared feeling that comes about on the verge of sleep.

So one night I have a dream. I'm in a convenience store when a guy pulls a gun and attempts to rob the place. The robbery goes bad and he begins shooting. My dream logic decided this was like a movie and the gun only had six bullets. So I knew if I could keep from being hit for just six shots, I'd be okay. I was counting the blasts when the fifth one caught me right in the neck. It was over. I was done. The blood gushed from neck in ragged pumps as my heart beat began to fade. I knew there was nothing I could do as I slowly faded away. And then I gently woke up. And I knew what I was afraid of. It wasn't guns at all. It was simply death. But the dream didn't just cure me of my fear of guns. I was also to work through the underlying fear of death in the realization that it was totally out of my control. Worrying about it was a waste of time. Most likely when death came for me, I wouldn't even notice. Here. Then gone. Just like that.

Not that I'm comfortable with a limited life span now. But that dream definitely changed me for the better. And now, on to Team Seven! The most excitingest newestest comic (at least it was last week. I guess Amethyst Princess of Gemworld has that title now) DC has published since The Phantom Stranger!

The first positive about the comic and Mister Jordan: it didn't begin with a splash page full of narration boxes! It's actually letting somebody speaking do the work! Yay!

I just got done saying how I'm a better person for discarding my fear and now this guy is telling me I have a right to be afraid! Jerk!

In a comic book fantasy world, I can probably get on board with what this guy is saying. But it's when this attitude is used in the real world that I find it disturbing. Making people afraid gets people to do awful and irrational things. Nobody should ever make a decision because they're afraid of something. Fear is generally just ignorance and can almost always be overcome with increased knowledge of the object of one's fears. But Americans seem to think owning a gun conquers fear. Which is probably why this guy speaking and the gun-laden cover go together like cookies and more cookies.

Mmm. I want more cookies.

Captain Sideburns continues with the fear instilling.

I think I covered my response to this earlier. Fear is never the appropriate reaction. Maybe an immediate reaction like when a skeleton jumps out at you. But you should not take that and remain in a state of wondering when the next fucking skeleton is going to jump out at you.

See? I'm debating with the comic book because that's what I do in my commentaries. But so far, two pages in, I like the comic. It's got my attention. It's telling its story using the medium of comics effectively. And in a world such as this, fear would most definitely sweep the country and the government would instantly create something like Team Seven to retain their power over this new and unknown potential threat.

Captain Sideburns is giving his report to six unknown beings on the other end of Black Monolith Webcams. I assume these are world leaders. Or other dimension reptilian overlords. Or Rothschilds. Whoever it is, they're people trying to maintain their control of the world. And they are funding Captain Sideburns to put together a team that will do whatever needs to be done so that these people don't lose their power. Captain Sideburns is now at the point where he describes all of the members for the readers.

The first two members are Dinah Drake and Kurt Lance. Dinah specializes in infiltration. Kurt specializes in tracking and operations. They both specialize in love! Although I don't know if they're an item yet. They argue like they are. Or they're arguing like they hate each other but will soon be in love. It's really hard to tell those two apart.

Dinah and Kurt are currently on a mission for Captain Sideburns to track down Slade Wilson, the tactical genius, and Alex Fairchild, the weapons expert. So far they all have assignments except for Slade who gets a compliment.

Captain Sideburns: "Okay Dinah! You're going to be in charge of infiltration. And Alex, you're going to build our weapons. Kurt, you'll be tracking our prey. And Slade, fuck. Slade. You, my man, are the smartest tactical mother fucker I've ever met."

Apparently something happened in Uruguay that left Slade and Alex in debt to Captain Sideburns. So Slade and Alex jump ship from the illicit Gen Factor dealer they're currently working for and join up with Team Seven on the spot.

Well, not exactly on the spot. Slight negotiations were needed.

The next member of the team is some guy named Bronson. He's some super stud that is the best at whatever he wants to be the best at. He's that guy. Every team needs the guy that can do everything better than everybody else. I'm surprised the team isn't made up of seven of him! Except then every missions would break down into muscle flexing and dick measuring contests. So maybe just the one awesome guy is okay.

Also, his DNA makes a killer low calorie smoothie.

 

Some crazy woman pilot named Captain Ramos is next on the list. She's asked to join because of her skills at piloting and her skill at being crazy. She joins up and my calculator freaks out. It must be broken! Let's see: 1 (Kurt) +1 (Dinah) +1 (Slade) +1 (Alex) +1 (Bronson) +1 (Ramos) +1 (Cole) +1 (Amanda) = 8. That can't be right! Stupid broken calculator. Can't you see this is Team Seven? Not Team Eight!

Cole Cash is picked up beating up French people in the first instance of a character in France without the Eiffel Tower anywhere to be seen!

Oh wait. Nevermind.

Cole Cash is wanted because he wears a stupid kerchief on his face. Also, he's a good shot with a gun. Plus he's a total conman that can squeeze information out of a non-squeeze bottle of information. He's got this technique where he taps the open rim on the edge of a table and sometimes sticks a butter knife up in it to get the information flowing. He's totally amazing at it and Team Seven just wouldn't work without him.

Last on the list is Amanda Waller. Because she "can put the pieces together." That's a very important talent to have if you don't want someone flying planes into your skyscrapers. What good is having the information if nobody knows what to do with it? She's also one tough cookie.

Fuck. Now I'm thinking about cookies again.

And since my calculator has already fucked up the equation, why not add Dean Higgins to the list? He's a master strategist which is somehow different than a genius tactician. But I'll let the "actually people" who don't understand my use of humor explain how it's different in the comments below.
And that's the team! Oh, here they are in their class picture:

Counting Captain "Lynch" Sideburns, that makes ten members! Maybe I did the math wrong. Or perhaps they're just counting penises?

Team Seven #0 Rating: Nowhere near the load of shit I was expecting.