Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Amanda Waller #6

Amanda Waller either just got a hot poker up the ass or hears the ice cream truck and needs a money.

El Diablo Review!
Diablo was killed by Deadshot last issue. And then Deadshot went home, I guess. But El Diablo can't stay dead because his name is on the cover. The only characters who get to stay dead while their name is on the cover are Deadman and Casper. El Diablo has to come back to life to rescue Azucar. He has to rescue her from Dalesko who is the bad guy, I guess? It feels like this story has had more than six parts. El Diablo went home and battled Bloodlettor. El Diablo fought Parasite in a Luthor building. El Diablo battled alongside Uncle Sam while working for Checkmate. El Diablo had sex with Azucar. El Diablo fought Sin Tzu's mutated monsters of Gotham. El Diablo battled alongside Xolotl the White Martian against the Suicide Squad. So forgive me if I'm a little bit unclear as to who this Dalesko is and what he wants. I mean, the fallen angel that brings El Diablo back to life explains that he's just a guy who wants superpowers. And now he has them because he stole them from Xolotl who was the guy El Diablo and Uncle Sam battled before El Diablo went home to battle Bloodlettor which later led him to Gotham to where he battled Dalesko's puppet, Sin Tzu, after which Batman gave him some information leading him back to the desert where he was reunited with a friendlier Xolotl. And, um, here we are!

Don't get so cocky, you ugly motherfucker! This isn't Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Dalesko and Amanda Waller #6.

El Diablo's deal with the devil was that he'd return to life if the devil battled Dalesko for him. Not that it was really the devil but close enough for DC Continuity purposes. Dalesko winds up in Hell, 'natch!

By agreeing to the devil's terms to save Azucar, El Diablo loses Azucar anyway when she recognizes the devil inside him. She wants nothing to do with him. So El Diablo goes back to Belle Reve and Amanda Waller and the Suicide Squad because what else is there, I guess?

The Ranking!
-1! The ending was less than satisfying! Which I should have suspected since the entire story was the same.

Amanda Waller Review!
This panel basically sums up the Amanda Waller story:

This also sums up what I'd like to say to my mom and Jesus Christ!

I think there might be a little bit more where Waller learns mercy or compassion or maybe just feels a little bit closer to her Squad. But since I'd rather think of Amanda Waller as the bitch who gets things done and doesn't give a shit about the criminal piece of shit pawns she uses, I'll just forget the last half of the story.

The Ranking!
No change!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Amanda Waller #5

Did Amanda Waller lose weight?

El Diablo Review!
The last issue ended with El Diablo, Azucar, and Xolotl being attacked by the most suicidal squad in Suicide Squad history. I don't say that because this mission is particularly dangerous. I just mean none of the members are popular enough to ensure that they'll survive. Maybe Sumo will live because he's a Bat-villain and a Bat-villain can't die in a non-Batman comic book. Although he's a relatively new Bat-villain having been created in The New 52. Also, has he ever really battled the Bat? I think he's probably due for a good death, along with the rest of this shitty, unknown Suicide Squad.

To make sure readers know who these unknown Squad members who are about to die are, Xolotl is all, "Give me a rundown on our foes' Who's Who entries!" The Squad members are Bloodletter, the guy who was bullying El Diablo's neighborhood after El Diablo went to prison. Jizz, a criminal Thanagarian. Leviathan, some water dude. Behemoth, the guy I thought was Sumo because he's fat and Asian. And Zoomax who appeared in the first issue of this series.

Zoomax is killed first. I suppose I could be kind and count this as an actual death in the Suicide Squad but when have I ever been known to be kind? Technically, this isn't a Suicide Squad comic book. Death in the Squad only counts when they're the protagonists.

The Justice League of Mexico arrives to escalate the situation. Their members are Iman, El Muerto, Acrata, and El Dorado. Iman is Spanish for a humanoid robot copyrighted by Apple. El Muerto is Spanish for The Dead. Acrata is Spanish for The Human Target. And El Dorado is Spanish for The Dorito. And since you obviously know I was right about El Muerto, you should just trust me on the others.

Xolotl is killed by Jizz the Thanagarian even though the mission was to take him into their custody and not kill him. Stupid violent Thanagarians! Although his death causes everybody to stop fighting, so I guess it was the right move. The Justice League of Mexico decides to work with the Suicide Squad to destroy some threat that Xolotl warned them all about. But El Diablo decides he's had enough and tries to walk away. Too bad for him, he walks right into Deadshot and is killed. Too bad for me, death never takes with El Diablo and I'm going to have to read one more issue of his story.

The Ranking!
No change!

Amanda Waller Review!
Amanda Waller is holed up in Belle Reve dealing with some agent who knows some shit but can't talk because he's basically comatose. Since that's super boring, the story has a B-side featuring the Suicide Squad. Once again it's a Suicide Squad composed of members who DC will never let die: Harley Quinn, Katana, Captain Boomerang, Enchantress, and Deadshot. It's been years since DC knew how to write a proper Suicide Squad. Part of the problem is John Ostrander immortalized Deadshot and Captain Boomerang by writing them so well. When he began the Suicide Squad, they were D-list characters at best. He made them unkillable yet also linked them forever to the Suicide Squad. So that's two characters people expect to be on the team who won't die (oh sure. Captain Boomerang "died". But so did Deadshot. It's just they were brought back to life, weren't they? How the fuck does that count? Just because characters in comic books dying and coming back to life is a common thing, it doesn't mean it's a thing that you should use as a plot device to make it feel like Squad members are dying, especially since they return just a few issues later instead of years later). Then you throw in more characters whom the reader knows won't die, like Harley Quinn and Katana? Come on! Katana isn't even a villain!

Speaking of Katana, what the fuck is DC Comics doing to her? She now works willingly for Amanda Waller and kills enthusiastically even though she knows she's condemning every victim to an eternal prison in the Soulsword? I would think she'd want to limit the people she kills to the most evil, vile bastards who deserve eternal imprisonment. Killing henchmen and soldiers just seems wrong. But then DC seems to have decided that Katana's role is to stand in the background mysterious and silent. Except in this issue. She's doing a lot of talking this issue.

I hate how everybody knows about the Suicide Squad. It renders the whole project meaningless! As soon as people see them, they're all, "Oh yeah. The United States government is up to their usual bullshit again."

Anyway, bad shit goes down, the mission goes to shit, and Amanda Waller winds up drugged and hallucinating that she's lost the entire Squad. It's really the only way any members of the Suicide Squad die anymore. Either Amanda hallucinates it or the computers she has which show their heartbeats go on the fritz so the reader goes, "Oh my god! One of them is dead! I mean, it wasn't an on-panel death and nobody in the Squad ever really dies anymore but the computer shows one did! So I totally believe it!"

The Ranking!
-1! Get some balls and kill somebody already, DC, or else give Task Force X a new nickname that actually describes the team. Like Cozy Vacation Killing Club.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Killer Croc #4

Some covers just don't scream, "Read this comic book!"

El Diablo Review!
I read it. It was a comic book starring El Diablo. Batman is also in it, if that interests you. It incorporates art and words to tell a story. The story is better understood if you've read the previous three issues. Also, it helps to remember the previous three issues you read. I didn't remember them that well. Some characters from previous issues return. It ends with a cliffhanger as Amanda Waller sends Task Force IV or V to kill El Diablo. Amanda Waller has some serious control issues to work through.

The Ranking!
No change!

Killer Croc Review!

The Killer Croc story begins with an odd turn of events.

Why would Croc imagine himself as a white man?

I have a theory! This isn't the real Killer Croc! The real Killer Croc was last seen in the pages of Batwoman where we learned his sympathetic story and how he has been trying to make Gotham a better place for her displaced citizens. The Killer Croc we've seen since then is this white guy! Okay, that doesn't really make sense since Killer Croc #1 of Villains Month showed him as a young black kid. So my other theory is that the Rebirth Waylon Jones is a white guy! The theory I've decided isn't a great theory because it's criticizing people just trying to do their jobs is the one where the artist, colorist, and editor all majorly fucked up.

Killer Croc has just confronted an army of mutated, sentient animals even though Killer Croc is technically not really an animal. But it works thematically so shut the fuck up.

I once drew my own comic book called Arrogance. That was the name of the superhero group. Their first major battle was against the S.P.C.A. (Society of Paranormal and Cognitive Animals). It was pretty much this comic book.

The poor animals seem to recognize Killer Croc as one of their own so they decide to follow him. It might not last though since they're wearing some kind of control collars. And it doesn't. But then it does because Killer Croc smashes the control collars' control! Now he has an army of mutant animals!

Killer Croc saves the day like he was supposed to but not in the way Amanda wanted him to. Then he swims off to take a break from Suicide Squad business. Even though he's been quite busy over in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. I guess he didn't much care for being alone.

The Ranking!
No change!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Killer Croc #3

Killer Croc stars in Battle Royale: Crete!

The El Diablo Review!
At one point in the story, quite early on, El Diablo says, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you." At that moment, I lowered my head and thought, "I can't do this anymore. I just...I can't read boring writers who quote things everybody has heard because it's used every fucking where fucking else. Also fucking." I would be embarrassed to hand in a script which contained a line I've heard countless times in other sources. I would be all, "To write, or not to write! That is the question! Whether tis nobler to something something or whatever." Right off the tip of my tongue, that! I would totally finish the line if I could be bothered to expend my talents on this review of a story that already proved itself to be mediocre bullshit on page nine. Oh man. I was already on page nine?! It felt like I was only on the second page when this sense of futility crashed down upon me! Anyway, I should probably finish reading this. After all, I did pay $3.74 for it (after discount!).

Oh, after El Diablo farts that garbage from his mouth, he and Azucar make out. Whew! I was worried Jai Nitz wasn't going to weld an improbable love story onto this mess. I've had it with love stories! Now, so far they've just kissed, so it's entirely possible this will just be a stray path into Fistington and that'll be that. But we all know that any stupid comic book aimed at teens always gets it wrong and puts love ahead of sex. Love isn't a real thing! Love is just the feeling in your stomach that's like when the roller coaster crests that first hill and begins plummeting down the steepest descent! Except the feeling isn't caused by gravity; it's caused by the fearful realization that a person who doesn't totally seem to be disgusted by you will get to know the real you and flee as fast they can, just like every other person you've gotten close to. But that feeling also makes the orgasms better. The best you can hope for is that they'll become too lazy and unmotivated to ever leave your boring ass. It's not as if you aren't thinking the same thing about them! Relationships are always weighing whether or not it's time to quit before the other person fires you.

This is the most romantic dialogue I've read in years!

El Diablo runs into Catwoman choking Cluemaster in his office. So I guess they're fucking too? It's hard to tell what's sex and what's conflict and what's plans for the future because everybody is acting so weird! El Diablo and Azucar just began kissing while swapping origin stories. I certainly didn't expect them to get naked during that. So when El Diablo walks in on Catwoman dressed in leather with her whip around Cluemaster's neck and a laptop under her arm, you can understand how I might think they're fucking. It's far more sexy than telling somebody how they got their job with Checkmate. That didn't make me want to fuck Azucar at all!

Some woman who escaped the Suicide Squad breaks up the fight (oh yeah! There was a fight between Catwoman and El Diablo!) and forced Catwoman to give the laptop to El Diablo. She doesn't reveal who she is. If she's been seen before, my brain has decided it wasn't worth keeping the information. She does use some kind of Darkseid gun though!

Later, while doing the thing that El Diablo is doing...you know, whatever the main plot is...he and Azucar run into Sin Tzu. He's all, "You are here for the plot?" And they're all, "Yeah, yeah! The plot! The Beowulf Project, I guess?" And Sin Tzu is all, "Oh yeah! That! Meet the experiments!" Then he introduces them to a bunch of zombies created by mixing Lazarus Juice with Joker Poison and Bane Drug and Scarecrow Gas and Man-Bat Semen. Gross! Oh wait! It's Man-Bat Serum!

Anyway, that's probably the end for El Diablo and Azucar. No way they can battle a bunch of super zombies in the Ace Chemical plant where El Diablo can't use his powers without destroying Gotham completely! I mean, probably!

The Ranking!
-1! This ranking is because I simply don't care about this comic book. Although I wouldn't mind if more comic books had characters undressing and making out in the middle of any conversation. That sex scene was really weird! As if Jai Nitz rewrote the scene but only after Cliff Richards had finished the art for the original scene where they get all fucky with each other. At least it wasn't a Batman and Alfred scene. That would have been weird. Not because they're both guys! It's just that Alfred is like his father! And he's old!

The Killer Croc Review!
What more can be said about Killer Croc that hasn't already been said beautifully in the pages of The New 52 Batwoman? Oh wait! A lot since that entire history of Killer Croc was thrown in the garbage can, right next to my pride which I haven't seen since the first time I had sex. It was not a good experience. I mean, I orgasmed, so that was great! But I did it quickly and all over my partner's face. Surprise! That thing was waiting years to go off at somebody else's hands!

What I'm trying to say is I have no idea where DC Comics stands with Killer Croc right now. Is he a savage animal killing indiscriminately to survive under the streets of Gotham? Is he a monster, lost and alone in an uncaring world? Is he a guy just trying to take care of himself and the other undesirables living in the sewers of Gotham? I'm just trying to figure out how much I should sympathize with him in this story.

Waylon Jones basically asks the same question at the start of this story: "Am I a monster or a man?" This is where I'd normally think about ending it all so I don't have to read yet one more comic book with the whole "What am I?!" theme. But this time, Waylon finishes the thought with "Depends on the day I'm having," and I'm won over. At least for the next eighteen pages! I can give it that much for letting me know, right off the bat, that Waylon isn't really worrying his scaly big head about the answer to that question. He's both, and he acts as one or the other according to his situation. I can appreciate that.

I used to daydream about the end of the world as a kid. Not about the event that ended it. But living in it. Just me. A lone survivor with nothing but time and lots of empty houses to explore.

Waller sends Croc to an island full of monsters being used as weapons to destroy nearby cities, and eventually cities not so nearby, and then cities even further away than that. But Croc is supposed to destroy the monsters and the lab that's creating them. Instead, Waylon befriends the monsters and leads his army of misfits down into the island where the evil corporation's secret lab lies. But once he's underground, he's out of radio contact with Amanda. Which also means she can't detonate the bomb in his neck. He's finally free of Waller's orders. He's free to do whatever he wants. He'll probably shoot up some of the secret serum and become Super Killer Croc. At least for a few pages before he collapses from exhaustion and winds up back in Belle Reve, ready for another suicide mission.

The Ranking!
+1! This story was interesting enough! It might not have super duper wowed me but it has a point. And I always appreciate a story that has a viewpoint, or really works through a theme. This story is all about how animals can't be monsters; man is the real monster! Okay, so that's not the most original theme. But it's nice to see Killer Croc acknowledge that the side of him that makes him a violent murderer is the side of him that has nothing to do with his disfigurement. That's all just homegrown humanity coming out of him!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Boomerang #2

Parasite stars in way more comic books than he should because he's an easy villain to use if you don't want to think of a specific way to negate the powers of the protagonist.

The El Diablo Commentary!
• When you're in a hurry and you accidentally restart your laptop instead of shutting it down, what do you do?
A. Smash it with a hammer.
B. Smash it with a brick.
C. Kill yourself.
D. Burn everything.
E. Wait patiently because you're a good person who everybody fucking hates because how does it not make you instantly furious, you pathetic worm?!

• You may have guessed that I recently restarted my computer instead of shutting it down. Shouldn't the computer at least ask you if you're sure you want to restart before simply restarting? I mean, the two choices are right on top of each other! They're practically the same option when you live a swingingly chill lifestyle like I do! I can't be that accurate when shutting down my laptop! What am I? A boy scout?! I'm more the kind of person who throws a tomato at the keyboard and hopes it hits the off button as I stroll out of the house like motherfucking Jesus Christ!

• That was blasphemy, wasn't it? Not the part where I compared myself to Jesus! No, the part where I swore but it sounded like I was implying that Jesus fucks his mother. Although, I mean, is that really far off? Jesus and God are kind of the same person and God made Mary pregnant which sort of means Jesus made Mary pregnant which, if you said it crudely, might be something like "Jesus fucked his mother." You can't argue with logic! I mean, you can but why would you want to? Logic is a good thing!

• El Diablo has recently left the Suicide Squad to be part of a less exciting government black ops organization called Checkmate. You know they're less exciting because they based their entire organization around the game of chess. I know some of you are thinking, "But Tess, you ignorant slut! Chess is an exciting game that pits two people's minds against each other because luck does not factor in! It's all skill and mental acuity!" Of course, those same types of people thinking that will probably give you a fucking impossibly hard time if you want to take back a move in a casual game immediately after letting go of the piece. So, in a way, they really don't want to play against somebody playing their best. They really want you to make early errors so they can destroy you and push their glasses up on their nose and snort in derision at your feeble mental abilities.

• El Diablo is a horsey piece. That's a great piece in chess because it can leap over other pieces. In my Chess House Rules, you have to roll a six-sided die when the horse moves over one of your own pieces. On a six, the piece is trampled to death.

• El Diablo is on a mission inside of LexCorp Tower which has to be scrapped because he's run into Parasite. That's on the first page! Which means I still have like thirty-nine more pages to go! I've already been at this for an hour. Stupid internet! I'm always getting distracted.

How is this a proper response to that?! I guess he's trying to say "You can't always get what you don't want."

• The person speaking out of Parasite's face is Amanda Waller. Somehow El Diablo recognizes that it's her. I guess Amanda is constantly telling everybody in Belle Reve how much people in hell want ice water. I would think getting ice water would be the last thing on their minds. I would probably want my mouth not to be full of shit and maybe to be ass raped by demons with smaller and less barbed penises.

• Amanda is using some Jervis Tetch technology that enables her to control Parasite as if she were wearing him like a suit. For some reason, she doesn't want Parasite remembering this mission which is why she's taken control. You know, she's such a control freak, why doesn't she do this on every mission? Just stack five or six mind-control helmets on her head and then control the whole Squad!

• Amanda uses Parasite's powers (unless it's the Jervis Tetch Tech since I've never known Parasite to have psychic powers (unless he just recently drained them from somebody (like maybe the scientist at LexCorps!))) to infiltrate El Diablo's mind. She wants information on Checkmate and their recent goings-on. The way Amanda reads minds is by projecting a ghostly version of herself inside El Diablo's mind and then El Diablo creates a version of himself inside his mind so that they can stroll through his memories. That doesn't seem overly complicated.

• The original El Diablo winds up following Amanda and El Diablo through El Diablo's memories. That's overly complicating an aspect of this story that was already overly complicated!

• Once the stroll down memory whatever is done, Waller learns more about El Diablo than she expected.

El Diablo has an Old West DC character living inside his chest who emerges to punch people in the face just before they kill El Diablo?

• After putting Parasite down with his Cowboy Chest Punch, El Diablo meets a woman named Azucar. That's either "Sugar" or "Help!" or maybe "Rice" in Spanish. She's dressed like a Day of the Dead sugar skull so it could be any of those.

• Azucar tells El Diablo that both Checkmate and the Suicide Squad are using him. I expect him to say, "Duh!" Instead, he quits Checkmate and joins with Azucar to find out the truth! I don't know exactly what truth they're going to discover. I'm pretty sure the main truth is that El Diablo is a criminal with fire powers who people just want to use for their own ends. But I suppose there's another truth about why Checkmate needed El Diablo to catch the invisible metahuman Xolotl.

• El Diablo asks Arroz how they're going to get out of LexCorps without being caught by the Metropolis police. She says, "We have to play dead." He says, "I can't die." Who the fuck cares if you can die or not?! Can you pretend you're dead?! She said you have to play dead, not be dead! Fucking idiot. Anyway, Ayuda does her magic killing thing and the first half of this issue ends.

The El Diablo Ranking!
0! I know I don't have to believe everything that happens in a comic book can really happen but sometimes comic books do such outrageous things that I dismiss them outright. That whole bit with Amanda Waller walking through El Diablo's memories while being followed by a cowboy who wasn't part of the memory was too much for me! I did like when Lazarus Lane popped out of El Diablo's chest to punch Parasite in the face though. I have no fucking idea what that was about but any time a DC character from their western genre can get in on the action, I'm all aboard. Except when he's wandering around in somebody else's memories. That was dumb.

The Captain Boomerang Commentary!
• These comic books that are two comic books in one are a pain in the ass to do commentaries on. I don't have this long of an attention span!

• Captain Boomerang has been drafted by some kids living in a South American jungle to help them overthrow El Jaguar. That shouldn't be too hard since that was why he was there in the first place with the Suicide Squad. It's just now he gets to do it with kids instead of insane monsters micromanaged by an even bigger, more insane monster.

• While Boomerang plans the mission with his new team consisting of Breaker, Volt, Wave, and Boost, Amanda Waller tells the Suicide Squad that they need to go back to South America to rescue Captain Boomerang. I was sort of hoping they wouldn't show up again until the end of the story. How dare they take away any of Digger's limelight? This is his solo story!

• Remember Lime and Light? I still can't believe DC killed of Lime before Light. I'd much rather have had some idiot running around named Lime.

• Breaker screws up Captain Boomerang's plan to sneak in and assassinate El Jaguar. That's what happens when teenagers don't follow the orders of adults! I know as a teenager, you might be thinking, "But who would think a drunk, sort-of racist asshole like Captain Boomerang would know what he's doing? Fuck that! I'm going my own way!" And to that, I say, "Yeah. That's probably the right choice 99 out of 100 times. But this time, Breaker fucked up! She should have listened to the adult!"

• Anyway, now Captain Boomerang and the kids wind up in a huge battle that will probably burn about five or six pages. That's good because I never have much to write about comic book brawls.

What a jerk! Doesn't he know what a boomerang is? You have to dodge it twice before you start acting like a big shot!

• The epilogue features Breaker exploding El Jaguar and the Squad returning to pick up Captain Boomerang. And it's cute and adorable and just makes me love Captain Boomerang even more. Even Katana, who I've loved for as long as I've pretended Ann Nocenti didn't ruin her, has a cute moment with him. And then it's over! The story is over! So I guess Issue #3 will be El Diablo and Somebody Else. Unless Captain Boomerang is just going to begin another story. I'd be super cool with that.

The Captain Boomerang Ranking!
+2! Digger Harkness is one of the greatest comic book characters ever created by a creator in an act of creation. And he lives up to his greatness in this story. Also he's kind of dead in the regular Suicide Squad as of Issue #2. I'm still hoping it was a great big fake-out! Maybe I should read Issue #3 out of order so I can see how Digger survived being heat visioned by General Zod!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Boomerang #1

I'm sad that DC has decided to lose Captain Boomerang's rank. Now he's just a normal, civilian shlub like the Marvel version.

The Commentary on El Diablo!!
Hopefully these Suicide Squad Most Wanted books won't just be about the members of the team who have plot immunity to death. I mean, I know El Diablo died recently and then died in the movie as well, but he's the kind of guy who will almost certainly escape from Hell to return as a bigger bad-ass than before. But this is where comic book companies don't think enough outside of the box because their main goal seems to be creating a character popular enough to sell a book no matter how shitty it is written. But they have an opportunity here to have a really exciting story about a villain who gets caught up in crime way over his or her head, winds up in Belle Reve, and thinks maybe he or she can take the chance to join the Squad and turn his or her life around. It could be a real tragedy where we learn all about the villain's humanity and missteps and his or her chance at redemption. And then he or she could die. And I don't think he or she should die heroically but cowardly and unredeemed and in a way that shows the character we have been conditioned to root for actually was a complete piece of garbage all along.

Maybe that'll be El Diablo's story!

Here's how the story begins! Guess who's going to die!

Zoomax doesn't die yet! That would be a waste of a character with a stupid name! I'm sure he'll be a thorn in El Diablo's side which will be his downfall because this isn't Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Zoomax and Boomerang #1. Although if it were, I might be more excited about it! Who is Zoomax?! He's bound to die, right? I'm so nervous! But since his name isn't on the cover, I'm not nervous at all and I know he's going to die. Although I'm still curious about who he is. Maybe.

The chaplain at Belle Reve tells El Diablo that God is pleased by the works El Diablo is doing for the greater good. How the fuck does he know?! If he's heard from God, he's crazy and shouldn't be allowed anywhere near these convicts. If he isn't crazy then he hasn't heard from God and he's sinning just by presuming to know the will of God! The chaplain tells El Diablo that he can leave Belle Reve at any time. I don't know why he says this without checking with Amanda Waller first. Does this chaplain think he can go over her head? Maybe he's going to be the one who dies. Probably at El Diablo's hands.

Amanda Waller, of course, denies El Diablo his request to be sent home. Since she has all the power, she offers El Diablo the choice to remain locked up or to go on one last mission. Of course if she has all the power, where's the guarantee that the one last mission will be the one last mission? I mean, aside from the guarantee that everybody on the mission will die! That's probably the only way Amanda will let El Diablo go. And it seems like the choice she's making because she's sending him to lead a team of new recruits who have less discipline than Captain Boomerang.

Amanda sends in the team El Diablo would have been leading to beat his ass. A guy named Behemoth and a guy named Leviathan. El Diablo is only saved by the interference of an agent from Checkmate come to pull him out for one of their missions.

El Diablo on the Freedom Fighters? Why not? They need somebody to light the fireworks.

El Diablo is offered the chance to join Checkmate or to just go home. The issue is called "Home Again" so I bet he chooses home and plays Xbox for the next five issues. Or maybe he'll go home and change his mind when he realizes there aren't any real great opportunities with a record and face tattoos. In any event, if he joins Checkmate, he gets to pretend he's doing something good when in reality he'll be just another cog in systemic oppression!

El Diablo does choose to go free. But he'll be back when he realizes his life is shit and nobody really wants him around!

Especially this guy: Bloodletter! Does that mean he writes letters in blood?

Bloodletter is protecting the neighborhood for a fee. But he's the guy everybody needs protecting from! So I would say he's not earning his money. Also, I think he's a Twi'lek. It doesn't really matter because he's soon dead.

No, Bloodletter lives to write more letters in blood another day. But he is thrown in prison by Checkmate (probably Belle Reve, right?!) and El Diablo finally accepts their offer because he burned his aunt and uncle's home down, and nobody else wanted to see him. Poor baby.

The El Diablo Review!
I like the introduction of Checkmate, especially since El Diablo will eventually see they're just as bad as Amanda Waller but in their own way. I'm sure however his time ends with them (probably piss of Uncle Sam by burning his beard away), he'll be sent back to Amanda at Belle Reve. But this time he'll probably be there for a few consecutive life sentences, just to show him that he's powerless against the system and that he shouldn't have deigned to hope he could have a good life. At least, I kind of hope it's a sad ending. I need some sad endings in my life sometimes. I'm sick of everything always having to work out! And if things work out even for characters in the Suicide Squad, where am I supposed to get my depressing fiction? Indie comics?!

The Commentary on Captain Boomerang!
John Ostrander made Captain Boomerang one of my all time favorite characters. When I threw my first gaming convention, I really wanted to be Captain Boomerang for the Saturday Night Costume Party. But since I really didn't want to try to keep up a terrible Australian accent all night, I went with my second favorite, Captain Cold. That probably worked out better because I was able to decorate the house like an ice cave. I'm not sure what I would have done for a Captain Boomerang headquarters. Litter the floor with crumpled cans of Fosters? It's Australian for beer, Mate!

This story is called "What Comes Around Goes Around" and, I mean, come on! That's clever, right?! It's so clever that it's probably been used before! The real example of clever is finding something to say that is just a few steps off the beaten path. You don't want to get too far from the path or people will get completely lost by your cleverness and then it's not really clever. At that point, it's probably genius. But you don't want genius when we're talking comic books! Ain't a lot of genii reading comic books! That's the plural of genius, right? If not, my point still stands because I doubt there's even on genie reading comic books. So no way will there be two! You can find something to say that's on the same path as everybody else and still be clever, of course. But that kind of clever is a bit too broad for my liking. That's the kind of clever that makes not-that-clever-but-almost-clever people say things like, "Oh! I wish I thought of that!" Or they'll even nod to their boyfriend and say, "I was just saying that last night! Wasn't I just saying that last night?!" That kind of clever isn't for me! Come to think of it, the just a few steps of the beaten path clever isn't really for me either. I like to find my clever deep in the tangles of blackberry bushes where people think, "Why the fuck is he wading through that shit? He's an idiot, right?" Or am I a genius?! I'll let time and my grandmother determine that!

Boomerang has wandered away from the rest of the Squad to have a beer so Deadshot says one of those right-in-the-middle-of-the-path clever things I was talking about. Basically he's all, "If you're not dead, I'll kill you myself!" But he won't. Unless somebody pays him scads and scads of cash to do so. I'm really getting a lot of use out of "scads" lately! I'm using it like a two-bit whore who I've told "No suck just fuck!" so that I can actually get me some penetration action! Actually, what I was going to say before I thought up the on-the-path cleverness of comparing something to a whore--total mainstream bro humor, dude!--I was going to say you'd think I was renting the word and trying to get as many uses out of it as possible before I had to take it back to that librarian who wasn't very sexy, what with the ponytail and glasses and huge fucking warts and all.

The Squad (consisting of Flag, Deadshot, Harley, Killer Croc, Boomerang, and Katana) is after somebody named El Jaguar.

I'm glad Harley chooses to strike sexy poses while battling. As a male, I wouldn't be able to get through twenty pages of comic books if I couldn't pop at least a couple of boners.

Harley looking like she's casually crowdsurfing while spilling her guts to a psychotherapist (Psycho the Rapist! Fitting? Probably. Fucking mind rapers!) is actually pretty realistic if you think about it. I mean, if you think about it compared to this bit where Boomerang saves Deadshot's life:

I don't know what kind of frictionless grip this guy has but I can guarantee you he's never pleased himself or another man in his entire life.

When I criticize something, you don't have to automatically assume I didn't like what I criticized. That's just making asses out of yourself and yourself when you think of yourself as me. Leave me out of your assuming, is what I'm saying. What I'm also saying is, why are there so many blackberry brambles out here? I mean, what I'm also saying is I totally thought that bit with the boomerang knocking the gun around was super cool! Totally don't care if it's ridiculous because I'm sure in the right circumstances, it could totally happen. Also a woman could fall in a vat of chemicals that bleach her skin white and she doesn't die and a katana exists that can suck the souls of those it kills. Comic books are the best!

Plus, whenever I read a passage that destroys all the credulity in the universe, I just remember that I once read a comic book where Dick Grayson rides a motorcycle up the side of a skyscraper.

The Squad is overrun by metahumans they weren't expecting and Waller calls for their retreat. Did she forget about the "suicide" in "Task Force X"? Oh wait. Okay, I get it. Um, she sends El Diablo in a helicopter to pull the other jerks out of the jerkfire. He's all, "Checkmate is the best, motherfuckers!"

I wonder if Deadshot has ever missed a shot because he was rolling his eyes at something Boomerang or Harley said? I know I rolled my eyes for two weeks straight when Harley Quinn called her vagina a clown car way back in an early New 52 issue of Suicide Squad. I also jerked off thinking about it. So much seltzer water!

I wish Bronze Tiger were part of this team again. Why couldn't he have been in the movie?

The Squad escapes but they forget to pack Boomerang up on the helicopter. Now he's stuck on El Jaguar's turf until the team comes back to finish the mission. Or until they come back to find Digger has finished the mission for them.

I love you, Digger Harkness.

I liked the line in the previous panel but that was before Digger said in a panel to follow, "What you people--Mexicans or Mexican'ts?" Of course, they're South American. I think that means they're not Mexican? I don't know why the little lady who tells Boomer they're South Americans isn't all, "We're Chilean!" or "We're Brazilian!" or "We're, um, one of the other countries! Argentinian, I think!"

Instead she's all, "Check out my belly in this belly shirt while I do equations on this calculator, yo!"

I like his sorta-racist attitude! It's funny! Don't get me wrong! I'm not racist but seeing Digger act racist when he desperately needs help because he doesn't know how to be anything but who he is is funny! I'm totally not the kind of person to laugh at jokes about black guys having penises as big as bread boxes. At least not when there are any holier-than-thou jerkos in earshot!

One other thing I love about Digger that I can't not mention. He's got some great looking boots. I'd suck a pretty big dick for boots like that. Who wouldn't? That's like a win/win situation!

Boomerang is captured by a few of El Jaguar's metahuman thugs but not before putting up a fight that makes me proud to call Digger my favorite. He also stumbles upon the fact that these metahumans are under some kind of mind control due to the armor they're wearing. But, anyway, like I said, he's captured. And he's about to die when Calculator Girl saves the day! Actually, her name is Breaker and she does this thing where she...well she kind of...I mean her body goes all...oh, just read the stupid comic book. Or look up Breaker on the Internet!

For saving Boomerang's life, she expects him to help her kill El Jaguar. It seems he has some kind of Nowhere program going on and Breaker is the South American Red Robin trying to save all of the children.

The Captain Boomerang Review!
This was a good comic of goodness. It was so good and exciting. It was full of goods. If you like good things, you will like the Boomerang half of this comic book. And you might like the El Diablo half too! But how should I know? It's not like you're me! You're probably the opposite of me. You might be one of those people who make sour faces at vaguely racist jokes even when they're made by amoral characters who are just too ignorant to know anybody. You might be one of those people who say really stupid things like, "Saying it's the character is no defense for a writer because the writer had a choice to not make that character a total jerk! Why can't writers make all the characters awesome? Just make some of them bad awesome but they still know better than to say the T-slur or the Q-insult or the F-bomber!" If you are, you might like this comic book in a secret way! The kind of way where you're titillated a little bit at the badness of it but if it were a Tumblr post, you would never "like" it because one of your more-holier-than-even-you friends might notice and call you out on it and call you problematic or--even worse!--gross! But, I mean, this was good, so you'll probably like it even if you are a better citizen than I am!

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #6

Guest Starring Pamela Ivy's tits!

The Review or Whatever!
There comes a time in every houseplant's life when they must venture forth into the real world and make their own way. Sometimes their leaving is a natural consequence of maturity, time, and not feeling too embarrassed to try to bring other plants home to fuck in their parent's house. And other times, plants are forced out of the house by an amoral scientist turned monstrous plant that has come round to suck out their stem cells. Get it? They're plants and they have "stem" cells! Ha ha!

Besides Pamela Ivy's tits, Swamp Thing also makes a guest appearance! Why? I don't know! He doesn't do much except tell Poison Ivy her plant children might be evil jerks. And they just might be! But that story will have to never be told because the story ends with Pam's children heading south to wreak havoc on the South. Or maybe they're in search of the Swamp Thing's fat cock. Either way, we'll never know because there's no way this book was popular enough to get a sequel. It was terribly boring. It felt like a rejected script for Murder, She Wrote. I really expected that show to be punk rock because who comes up with the title of a television show that shoves a comma in the middle of it? I don't mean shoving a comma in a title like Two Guys, A Girl and A Pizza Place! That comma isn't doing any work. But Murder, She Wrote? That comma is a fucking star.

Edge of Oblivion #5

Time to choose sides, bitches! I'm with the sentient onion! Or is that a jellyfish wearing a turtleneck? Am I being insensitive to aliens who look like rolled up socks with tassels?

The Review!
It's probably too late to tell people not to buy this comic book, right? Not that it's awful or anything. I mean, it might be but I'm not really judging it on its own merits. Maybe that's not fair but I also don't think it's fair for DC to sell me a comic book series that only exists because they already sold me a comic book series that was fucking horrible and was cancelled because it was fucking horrible and yet because of its existence, DC needed another story to fix what happened to the characters in that horrible, horrible story by Cullen Bunn. So now here I am paying for Tom Taylor's version of cleaning up after Cullen Bunn clogged the Green Lantern Corps' toilet which overflowed all over the DC Universe. I mean, DC really couldn't leave that disgusting mess just lying there, right?

The Whatever!
I often joke about how inconsequential everything I do is and then I remember that I'm wrong about that. I'm doing important work here. I'm doing better work than the media is doing. Because the thing corporations don't want anybody to be is open and honest about their products. Nobody wants to see somebody daily pissing all over the thing that makes them money (unless you sell urinals, I suppose). The main problem is that comic books are inconsequential. I know, I know. Super heroes and geek hobbies have taken over popular entertainment. But comic books are just a fringe outlier of super hero movies. Most people don't walk out of Civil War and think, "Now I want to experience that in a more boring version where I have to actually read!" I guess what I'm trying to say is that I should piss all over movies instead of Cullen Bunn! I mean comic books! Although I sort of want to make a movie short about pissing all over Cullen Bunn now. I wonder if he'd enjoy that? I hope that I wouldn't enjoy it too much or I wouldn't be able to piss, if you get that I mean that it's impossible to piss with a raging boner.

But seriously, I'm doing better, more honest work than most media outlets. Nobody owns this critic! Also nobody pays this critic. I wonder if I could get a decent paying job writing stupid puns about movies and going really easy on them and pretending everything I see for free is Citizen Kane? Who am I kidding? Pretending every movie were Citizen Kane would mean I'd have to say I didn't understand what I didn't sleep through! I probably should have said, "Pretending everything I see is Young Guns II!" Now that was the perfect movie! And the soundtrack?! Magnifique!

This issue begins with Guy Gardner realizing he was used by one group of aliens and now he's ready to be used by those aliens' enemies. But it's okay this time because he's probably fighting on the right side this time. It's Issue #5 so I don't think there will be yet another twist where it's revealed that the good aliens who were discovered to actually be the bad aliens really do turn out to be the good aliens. I really don't care if that happens because I don't care about anything that happens in this universe. The whole concept was a terrible idea in the first place.

You know that whole "in media res" thing where a story teller is supposed to begin the story in the middle of the story because it's way more exciting that way? I wish comic books would do that! I mean really do that! Not this bullshit "first page begins in the middle of the action and then by the second page we jump the narrative back to the beginning to over-explain how things got to page one". I just want comic books to stop filling shit in that doesn't need to be said because then we get comic books like this. I got it! Relic came from a universe that used up all of its light and was destroyed (although, I feel the need to state, yet again, that they theory never had any actual evidence to support it and this series only proved that Relic's theory was verified by John Stewart saying he was from the future and repeating Relic's theory to him). That's all I needed to know! Got it! I understand the motivations of the character. I don't need an entirely new series where people venture into that universe and go, "Oh yeah! Look at that! Relic's universe where everything is coming to an end! I'm sure glad this boring fucking story was told!"

Some of the Lanterns are still under the influence of the Blackest Knights so it's time for Green Lanterns to battle Green Lanterns. Being that 2-6-8-1-7-9-5, Guy Gardner, Kilowog, and Simon Baz are on one team, my money is on that team. Not that I think they're better than the other team but I can only name John Stewart in the other team so it must not be as good.

Earlier, John said Kilowog knows all of the Lanterns' weaknesses because he trained them. So Kilowog creates one of those things that moo like a cow when you turn it over? That's John Stewart's weakness?

I just recently rewatched that scene in Delicatessen where they're making those Mooing cylinders or else I might have thought it was a salt shaker and deemed John Stewart a space slug.

Guy's plan is to lead the Blackest Knights into space where Mogo can go all Death Star on them. When Mogo accomplishes this, Ausras and Dismas's disguises fail them.

Oh, well if they look like that, they're obviously the monsters! Although I probably shouldn't think that having just read Meredith Finch's treaty on superficiality leading to leaps in judgment in her most recent story in Wonder Woman.

I suppose it isn't so much that Ausras and Dismas actually look like gigantic blow-job space piranha so much as they declare they're going to feast on the universe that blows their cover. Plus as I learned in the pages of Superman and the Truth storyline, if somebody is hiding who they really are, they're horrible monsters bent on total destruction, no matter how much their actions say different.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #27

From what I've heard about Ben Affleck, this cover should have him coming up behind Henry Cavill and putting his balls on his neck.

Rating: No change.

I like these special Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us covers because they come with special inserts on which you can draw your own cover! So maybe I'll draw the Ben's balls thing later. I have to schedule enough time to also masturbate while drawing it because it's definitely going to make me horny.

So at the end of Action Comics #50, Superman got his powers back. He didn't just get his powers back though! No, he was killed and returned to life just like a proper savior should be! I guess technically he was never quite dead but he had given up on living as he fell into the Fortress of Solitude. And the title of the story was "Resurrection" just in case anybody missed the whole Christ analogy. Not that there was much of one. Although I have to wonder at the decision to give a story a name which spoils the ending of the story. Comic books love doing that and then they place the title and the credits after the story so as not to decrease the impact of the ending. My thought would be to maybe name the story something else. It's like asking somebody if they've heard a joke and describing the joke with the punch line.

You know what? I don't know why I ever think anybody in the comic book industry thinks anything through completely. Why do I even bother pondering any of their decisions?

Last issue, Vandal Savage made it explicit that villains and heroes should have plans rather than relying on punching everything. So this issue begins with his son doing this:

If you really wanted to make your father proud, Tiny-head Savage, you'd be sitting at a library desk with a nice desk lamp lighting up your legal pad full of ideas to bring down Superman. Although the librarian might take umbrage with you screaming "For father!" in the library.

Wonder Woman's plan to combat this oaf is the same thing she asks of Superman during fuck sessions: "fast and furious." Great advice, Diana! I mean, in the bedroom, spot on. You say "fast and furious" and I know to pull a hamstring pounding you into the recliner from behind. But when you pull out that command in a punch-off, don't you think Superman's going to get a little confused? And I'm fairly certain it's a bit difficult to fight while concealing a boner. Especially when you're wearing Kryptonian Lycra.

The title of this story is "Slam Bang" which only has me even more confused and erect. Shouldn't Tomasi have saved the title for the last page because now the whole issue is spoiled! Well, almost spoiled. Definitely one of two things is about to happen and I'm hoping it's not a fist fight with Vandal Savage's children.

Here's Clark's reaction to Wonder Woman's advice:

Batman was right in Action Comics #50. It's a good thing you have friends, Superman, because your plans are shit.

The first nine pages of this issue are nearly all splash pages. Technically they aren't but fuck technically. This is just a big ass brawl. It's a good thing Superman got his powers back since this is the only method of conflict resolution he's capable of.

By the way, Hal Jordan is along to help. Why wasn't he here earlier to stop the comet? Vandal's whole thirty thousand year old plan would have went to shit in twenty seconds! It's possible Hal was also captured with the rest of the Justice League even if that makes no sense because he hasn't really been a part of the League for years now.

During the brawl, Vandal Savage straps on an improvised jet pack and flies off to become Super Vandal Savage by visiting his comet. I suppose that's for the battle that will take place in Superman #50. I hope Vandal has a better plan than "get super powerful and punch Superman to death" because I may have to call him a hypocrite if that happens. Or an unthinking plebe? How about a run-of-the-mill American?

Superman flies after Vandal while Vandal's kids all explode. Whoops! Maybe Vandal should have stuck around to make sure his kids survived being irradiated by the comet. But Superman will save him! I mean beat him! I mean save him! I mean...well shit. I don't know what I mean. I think there will be a lot of punching though.

I'm obsessed with the amount of punching in Superman comic books now! I mean, I've been obsessed with it for a long time. I'm constantly pointing out how Superman stories have basically become a huge physical threat attacks and punches Superman. Superman says something like "I actually felt that!" so that readers know how strong the threat is. Then Superman punches the threat into submission anyway. Afterward he waits for the next biggest physical threat to ever threaten the galaxy to attack. I guess if, taking into account all space and time, it's an infinite universe then that means there are infinite threats each stronger than the last! Superman isn't the strongest person in the universe at all! He's just got more heart! That reminds me. I hope he gave Metallo his Kryptonite heart back.

This issue ends with Superman and Vandal punching each other in space while Vandal's comet crashes down around them. So next issue? Superman punches Vandal Savage into submission! And if that plan fails, don't worry! Because he's got friends!

Batman Loves Superman #27

Red Hood is a dandy shooter.

I just ragequit the Origins Magic the Gathering game on the Xbox One because fuck you, Wizards of the Coast. You completely ruined the fucking game with this expansion. When I'm defeated by a deck and you give me the option to replay the deck or play a new opponent, don't you think the new opponent should have a different fucking deck?! Apparently you don't because the artificial intelligence in your expansion only uses about 15% of the new cards. In ever fucking deck it plays against me. It's fucking boring. I guess I'll just never play your stupid nerdy game again and go play something cool. Like Bloodbowl! Seriously, the new Bloodbowl game is pretty fucking terrific. Good job, um, whoever made it! It takes me right back to the days when no female would let me get my unclothed dick near them!

So, Batman Loves Superman, right? It's such a terrible comic book!

This is how you start a proper review! I'm putting my cards right out there on the table for everybody to see. Don't think I'm one of those intellectuals who claim they're reviewing comic books in as unbiased a manner as possible to keep fans informed. No, I'm pretty biased. To be fair, it's experiential bias! I'm not just hating Batman Loves Superman because I see Greg Pak's name on the cover (although that's part of it!). It's just that when you've been kicked in the balls every time you pick up a comic book with Greg Pak's name on the cover, you start to become weary of picking up comic books with Greg Pak's name on the cover! At least most people do. Apparently I have a thing for figuratively getting kicked in the balls.

Since Superman is going through a bullshit phase right now (he goes through them every ten to fifteen years. Usually when the editor on his comic book is the smelliest piece of shit in the dog park) so it's time for a flashback! The flashback is all, "Hey guys! Remember when Superman was heroic! Remember when people loved Superman? Wouldn't you rather be reading that comic book?! Well, here's a brief glimpse of what this comic book could be but isn't because Eddie Berganza is a douchfart." Gordon is having the flashback and narrating it for the imaginary audience he and every other fucking comic book character constantly speak to. They're all weird fucking idiots. The only normal ones are Deadpool and Ambush Bug because at least they're talking to the actual audience! Gordon is just thinking in his head as if he's narrating a biopic about his boring life as a Commissioner of Gotham.

He knew Jimmy Olsen was in trouble because Jimmy Olsen is always in fucking trouble! Also super-hearing, probably.

Batman also makes an appearance in the flashback. Not Commissioner Batman! The real Batman! The one everybody misses! Well, not everybody. Some people are still pouting and writing nasty notes about The New 52 on the insides of bathroom stalls. Some people have prematurely aged into disgruntled old farts who can't stand change because boo-hoo! I miss my fucking characters I grew up with! Why can't everything always remain the same?! Cry babies.

Gordon was having the memory so he could realize that he and Superman don't trust each other. He also wanted to point out that Superman is currently a huge loser.

I hope "threated" means "promised everyone lots of candy."

Don't think I'm going to let the above scan off the hook with a simple slap on the back of the typo! I think we owe it to ourselves to have a good chuckle over Greg Pak's science! Vandal Savage stole an artificial sun to power a Nazi Super Weapon. But he needs uranium to power the sun! Ha ha! Why would a sun need a power source other than the hydrogen and helium burning within it? Uranium is star waste material, not star fuel! Fusion is different than fission! I'm not even a scientist and I know this scenario is stupid!

Unless not being a scientist means that I've completely misunderstood the scenario which means somebody else is stupid.

Yeah, but it's a small star. And it's powered by uranium. Mister...um...Grayson?

Superman happens to continue Gordon's memory because that's how thoughts work. They spread from one person to the other like herpes. Haven't you ever begun to whistle the same song as a person near you without any explanation for how it happened except for maybe because the song was playing on the radio in the car you were both in and it had just got to the part where the singer starts to whistle? Spooky!

Superman is all, "Trust! It's this thing I used to have with Batman! But I don't have it anymore with RoboBatman! And my hair looks awful! Last time I get it cut at Bishop's!"

Superman and Commissioner Batman are all, "We have to trust each...jinx! You owe me a Coke!"

Superman's plan was not to attract Vandal Savage's attention because then he'd kill them. But I guess he has a new plan because he and Batman use Vandal's teleporter to attack him on his ship, The Valkyrie.

Friends? What friends? Who said anything about friends?! The only other person I see is Commissioner Batman and they certainly aren't friends! I learned that from the flashback sequences!

Over the next few pages, I count thirteen words that end in -oom! That means a fight is taking place! It's super -oomy!

Apparently the plan was to destroy the Navigation and Engine Rooms on Vandal's ship. I don't know how they knew the teleporter went to a ship or where they got the layout of The Valkyrie to help with their sabotage but it probably had something to do with Batgirl. When Vandal -ooms them one too many times, they escape through the teleporter while leaving a grenade behind to blow it up. I suppose they could have blown up the teleporter in Siberia but then we would have missed out on all of the -ooms.

Vandal arrives to find the miners have killed Dick Grayson and Jason Todd. I guess I'll cancel my subscriptions to Grayson and Red Hood Loves Arsenal on Wednesday. Vandal's men, using technology that they somehow know how to operate even though they're thousands of years old and they probably don't even know which way to put batteries into gadgets, discover Clark and Gordon are hiding in the ice a few miles away. Time to fuel up the sun by shoving uranium into it so that they can fire the Nazi gun and kill Superman and Batman!

The real plan was to trick Vandal into sitting in the Nazi Super Weapon and firing the gun which has been rewired to the engines because that's a funny prank! Vandal goes shooting off into space where he would never harm anybody ever again and probably meet Lobo and fall in love. Except for the one flaw in the plan which everybody thought of but nobody mentioned because they didn't want to jinx it. Vandal Savage, having super strength, breaks out of the hull to escape. Instead of escaping safely though, the ship -ooms him into little bits. Theoretically! Obviously he really just flew off into a snowbank where he'll freeze until he's ready for another story arc. Unless he isn't finished with this story arc? I figure this one has about three more issues since Action Comics and Superman have that many too, right?

He's not dead because he's immortal. And he didn't teleport because Superman blew up the teleporter. He's probably in the Phantom Zone.

Commissioner Batman realizes that everybody is tired of Batman and Superman bickering so he takes off his helmet and introduces himself to Clark. Then he says loudly, "Well, I have to go now! I'm going to drop in on a surprise visit to my daughter in Gotham!" Then Batgirl shits herself because it takes a long time to swing home from Siberia.

Batman does not fight for vengeance! You take that back! That's Midnighter you're thinking of! And also Batman written by shitty writers who really wanted to write Punisher stories.

Batman Loves Superman #27 Rating: No change. This issue wasn't horrible even if I was laughing at how stupid it was! Did I just contradict myself? Oh, who the fuck cares! It was better than some others but still filled with stupid plot elements. And the art was mostly poo.

Batman Loves Superman #26

Vandal Savage is a pimp.

Superman, Batgirl, Dick Grayson, and Jason Todd have traveled to Siberia to rescue some meaningless villages from Vandal Savage's clutches. These villagers are being forced to extract uranium from old Russian missiles that were lying around unused. If the villagers don't comply with this dangerous task, Vandal Savage will murder them and their families. The men of the village don't want their families put in unnecessary danger so they're doing whatever Vandal tells them.

Also they're bringing their families to the dig site where, at any moment, one of these missiles can be mishandled and explode! But I think that's necessary danger!

The little boy is probably on location to teach the adults that they shouldn't fear Superman! Because children understand things better than adults! They say wise things and never lie and aren't afraid of strange people giving out free candy. If you don't follow the lead of the children, you're an old fuddy-duddy without any sense of wonder! Although you'll probably have a better grip on reality and survive longer if you just tell the children around you to shut the fuck up already.

The man sees four shapes coming out of the snow and assume it's Vandal Savage coming back to murder everybody. Sure, he said they had a week to get the uranium but you never know when an immortal psychopath is going to change his mind. Although why would Vandal kill them before they've finished the work? It's not like Vandal is going to want to do it himself.

Startled by the figures, the men of the village pull pistols out of their parkas and begin shooting. It's at this point that I don't care if these villagers manage to survive. What if the figures coming out of the snow were pizza delivery guys? It seems kind of stupid to shoot at anybody who approaches you. Even if it had been Vandal Savage, why the fuck would they now decide to rebel against him? They fear for their families' lives enough to work as slaves for Vandal but not really, I guess?

I guess the comic book begins this way to seem exciting but it just loses me instantly and reminds me that I hate Greg Pak's work on this comic book.

Superman introduces himself and his Bat-friends to the villagers (speaking English, I guess? Bah! It's comic books! It's easier to simply pretend everybody speaks Interlac) and they respond in the appropriate manner. The little kid loves Superman because he's only there to teach the grown-ups to not be assholes (and to probably die from cancer in ten years due to the high levels of radiation leaking from the discarded missiles). And the grown-ups react like assholes.

And yet when you thought these guys were Savage, you believed shooting him in the face was going to fill him with figurative hugs and kisses?

Hey! Remember how Superman cracked two molars in his battle with Vandal last issue? Has he been to the dentist yet? Doesn't his stupid mouth hurt? Or when Batgirl bandaged him later that issue, did she also fix his teeth?

The aggressive man needs to have his life saved by Superman before he'll believe Superman can actually help because that's how you write comic books by the tropes. So the missile the men were trying to move snaps its support cables and begins falling to the ground. The man tackles his wife and son and yells, "Why did I bring you out here?! Why was I so stupid to endanger your lives so recklessly?! I'm as bad as Vandal Savage!" But Superman catches the bomb so the man can live with his shame.

While holding the bomb, Superman complains about how heavy it is. Because he's lost most of his strength, remember?! But he still has enough to hold up a two ton missile! It's just that he has to explicitly point out how heavy it is now. That's the new version of Superman! He can still manage to do everything he used to do (except fly!) but while he's doing it, he always reminds the readers how difficult it is now. Plus he has a stupid fucking haircut that looks stupid. Who's idea was it to lose the spit curl?! At this point, why not just make Superman an extremely strong monkey? He'd be just as recognizable.

With the help of everybody, the missile is stood upright because I guess that's the most efficient position to remove the uranium from it? I would think leaving it lying down would be easier since isn't the bomb in the cone? Isn't the whole rest of the missile just fuel? I'm not a rocket scientist but I know how to have thoughts and then believe those thoughts so I think I'm probably right.

Compared to everybody else in this room, Babs? You're a fucking genius. Don't downplay your strengths to Bozo Superman! You're ten times better than he is! If not more, depending on whether or not I put the decimal in the right place during my calculations.

Superman introduces Dick as the guy who makes fake ideas and Red Hood as the "mean Robin." What the fuck, Superman?! I thought you were supposed to be the guy who lifts up everybody's spirits and makes them want to be better people. But no. You're just the guy who points out that Jason Todd had some issues and was a big fucking jerk who probably deserved exactly what he got! Asshole.

Although, seriously, Jason Todd totally deserved what he got.

Do Siberians know what "light spring rain" is?

While Batgirl tries to figure out how Vandal's teleportation pad works and Dick is creating fake IDs and Red Hood teaches the men how to shoot to kill (or to just hit kneecaps, just in case Batman is currently giving you a sour look), the little kid is stabbing Clark with a fork. And it draws blood because this is one of those moments where Clark is just vulnerable enough to prove that he's not invulnerable. But don't worry! Vandal Savage apparently punches softer than a ten year old kid can stab with an eating utensil, so Clark should be okay.

Red Hood tries to get Superman alone so he can get him excited about the prospect of murdering Vandal Savage. But Dick and Babs overhear and they're all, "No way! We don't kill even if it means saving the lives of probably hundreds of billions of people across Vandal Savage's future!" Plus Batgirl is all, "I was his teammate and he's actually not that bad when he's forced to do what you want him to do. Maybe we can get Stargirl to trick him into being nice again?"

Some of the Shadow Monsters from the Truth story show up because there's been way too much talking. Plus everybody is allowed to get out their aggression and kill these things because they're not sentient (which matters for some reason). During the battle, Commissioner Batman shows up because his name is on the cover. That's the only reason I can think of why he'd leave Gotham where he works as a police officer keeping peace in Gotham to come to Siberia where he isn't authorized to act as a peace keeper of any kind. But I guess Superman asked him to come by, probably to take the villagers back to Gotham even though none of them have passports or visas. At least not legal ones that weren't printed up by Dick Grayson.

So Superman tells Batman to shove it last issue and then he sends him all of the data Batgirl came up with about this place because why? Oh yeah! Because his name is on the cover! Also, I still don't have any clue as to how Batgirl discovered this site.

Apparently the Nazi War Wheel is buried under the ice and the missiles were meant to power it. But then the Dawn Command were able to steal Waynetech's miniature sun and that became the primary power source for the Nazi War Wheel (which isn't actually the War Wheel but I'm going to insist that it is because that would have been so much better). I guess digging uranium out of the missiles was just to fuck with the nearby villagers. An immortal has to get his kicks somehow.

Batman Loves Superman #26 Rating: -1 Ranking. If you love comic books with great characterization of even the most ancillary characters, superb plots that rise out of the motivations of the villains and heroes, and engaging themes that really make you think about tough ethical dilemmas, this is totally not the comic book for you. But it has Batman in it! Do you like Batman? Then maybe this is the book for you! No, no! Wait! I just remembered. It doesn't even have Batman in it anymore. It's just Commissioner Gordon in a suit that locks up every few pages. I'm not even going to pretend that Superman is in it because I haven't seen Superman in a DC Comic book for years.

Batman Loves Superman #25

I don't remember this Weird-Ohs Kit.

Let me be up front about my feelings for this comic book: I hate it. I can't stand it. It hurts my stomach to have to read it. It might be giving me pancreatic cancer. It's an abomination. It should be rated G for Garbage. The world is worse off for its existence.

The major problem with this comic book is that it shouldn't exist anymore. Commissioner Gordon has no reason to deal with Superman, and Superman has no reason to interact with Commissioner Gordon. But since both of their names are on the cover, some ridiculous premise needs to be maintained to keep them both in the comic book. I present to you the ridiculous premise:

It's not now, nor has it ever been, your job to babysit Superman, Commissioner Gordon.

Commissioner Gordon has ordered Clark Kent out of Gotham because that's something a police officer is apparently allowed to do. Now Gordon is paranoid that Clark hasn't left Gotham at all! Although why would Clark want to stay? It's not his home. The only person he really hangs out with has forgotten all about him. Everybody in the world hates him. So why would he remain in Gotham and why would Gordon be so insistent that Clark hasn't left? Oh yeah! I forgot about how the cover has both of their names on it.

Superman is currently on his own mission flying around in a hang-glider that's invisible to radar because fuck you. I mean comic books. I mean Waynetech. He's flying around thinking, "Who the hell needs Batman anyway?" And yet he's hacked into Commissioner Gordon's comm device because he just wants to badger Gordon.

Throw you off of what?! You just wanted him out of Gotham. But you also desperately need to find him. Go fuck yourself, Commissioner Pak. I mean Gordon.

Since somebody had the great idea to take away Superman's powers, Superman now must get around like a normal person and do regular detective work to solve his crimes. No, just kidding! He can't fly but he now gets some kind of rocket powered hang-glider. He doesn't have x-ray vision but--you know what?--he's now got some Waynetech glasses that scan people for weapons. Basically anything that he could have done with his old powers, he can still do via some Waynetech gadget. But it's important that he can't always do those things because then he'd be too powerful and boring and Marvel Fanboys might criticize DC Comics for having such a powerful hero. It's much better this way!

Jesus Christ. Just make him omnipotent already.

Hey! Why would Superman even bother to ask if the weapons are reproductions? Oh, I know why! Because it will be important later to realize that Vandal Savage has a whole army of immortal beings on his side! Or he's at least equipping them with ancient weapons that are still in peak condition and just perfect for battling superheroes.

The Dawn Command "barbarians" have just recently been thawed which is why they have ancient weapons that, thankfully, Superman figured out were authentic right off the bat. They're still trying to remember what burritos are but they can drive armored cars without any problem. They also have trouble fighting depowered Superman because he's invisible. Thanks, Waynetech! You make omnipotence a reality!

Superman even has a "refitted, computer piloted Bat-chopper." Because of course Superman had the capability of putting that shit together. I think Batman installed a switch on all of his computer technology that could be flipped to allow Superman to take over by using his voice commands. That's probably something Batman would have bothered with.

As Superman is about to hook up his new Dawn Command armored truck to his Bat-chopper, he's hit by a rocket. Don't worry! Even though he just reminded us on the previous page that he doesn't have his full powers, he still manages to survive. That's because he's got enough of his powers to survive whatever happens but not enough for people to know he's going to survive. And by "people" I mean "idiots."

Has Superman really ever been known for his smarts though?

A panel like the previous scan isn't one that most people would think too much about. But it's one of the things that drives me absolutely crazy. It points to some of the basic problems with the structure of certain comic books and why I can't stand them while other people don't seem to mind them. The problem is that the only reason this new antagonist (Vandal Savage, I'm sure) mentions somebody always being smarter than Superman is because Superman spent the last page thinking about how he has a plan that he thought through completely without Batman's help and how everything was going exactly as planned. Basically this antagonist's first words to Superman are a response to what Superman was just previously thinking. The antagonist continues by pointing out Clark has made up for his mental deficiency by partnering with brilliant minds because Superman was just thinking about how he doesn't need Bruce. It's dialogue and Narration Boxes that are written to the "Batman/Superman" theme instead of feeling organic to the story. It's crap.

Vandal makes sure to point out that he's Vandal Savage so that Superman knows who kills him. And I guess Vandal likes killing people using blunt force trauma because that's what he's most familiar with. So instead of shooting Superman over and over again to kill him, he walks up on him so he can smash Clark in the face with the butt of his gun. Superman takes the gun away proving that Vandal isn't as smart as he thinks he is.

So Vandal's plan was to wait two thousand years until a baby from Krypton landed on Earth and then wait about thirty more until that Kryptonian lost most of his powers and to then get in a fist fight with him?

Oh yes! I love when the good guy turns the tables on the bad guy by not giving in and using the bad guy's arrogance against him! Too bad this time, Clark is in over his head. And he's acting stupid. But I guess throwing your life away in a hopeless cause is the best representation of truth, justice, and the American way.

Vandal punches Superman into a tree and then gets distracted. That's when Superman slips away and Vandal's plan falls apart. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Foiled again! Lucky for Superman, Batgirl was on hand to save him. She'll probably have to take him back to her apartment and remove his clothing to make sure he isn't bleeding out somewhere vital.

Dear Diary,
Today I totally rescued Superman. He got his ass handed to him by some long haired weirdo but I was keeping an eye on him. He should have expected it, you know? Did he really think he reprogrammed all of Batman's equipment so that it would listen to him?! He's a reporter, not a programmer! AnySwayze, I pulled him from the scene just before he became Kryptonian Flambe. Does Flambe need an accent? I don't know, Diary. Maybe if Dad had ever been able to take us out to a real restaurant instead of Wendy's every night, I might have some kind of food culture. So I took Superman back to the Batcave where he was unconscious for eight hours. Mmm. Eight hours of bandaging his naked body. I didn't realize unconscious people near death could pop boners while getting sponged off but hoo boy! That one's definitely going in the Slap Trap. I did manage to get his pants back on him after the erection subsided, so hopefully he'll never know I got a sneak Bat-peek at the Kryptoboner.

Batgirl puts all the pieces of the puzzle together in a way that gets the plot moving but makes the comic book terrible. At least it's just one more page of terrible amid the other twenty-one so it's not like it really matters. By figuring out that Vandal Savage is working with freeze-dried barbarians, they find where Vandal Savage has been hanging out with his ancient warriors who speak relatively good English and love burritos. Unless the people digging up nuclear warheards are just the standard locals. It's hard to tell since Batgirl just spouted a bunch of nonsense to explain how she found where Savage would be.

Batgirl decides that they'll speak with the locals being threatened by Savage and help to turn them against him. And she brought along Dick Grayson and Jason Todd to help because they weren't busy with much of anything else and somebody might need to be shot in the face and/or mesmerized by a hot ass.

Batman Loves Superman #25 Rating: -1 Ranking. I currently have a cold which had me sneezing the entire time I was reading this comic book. Half the time, I simply wiped my nose with this comic book because it was closer than the box of Kleenex. So at least I got some money's worth out of it.

Lost Army #3

"One...chance...left. Must...fart...straight up...Kilowog's nose!"

The L'army of G'lanterns recently discovered they've been transported to the universe that existed before the current DC Youniverse. I don't mean they're in the Reboot Universe or the Preboot Universe or the Pre-Zero Hour Universe or the Pre-Crisis Universe or the Pre-Flash-fucked-some-shit-up-again universe. No, I'm talking about the DC Youniverse that existed before the current DC Youniverse. Look, I'm not fucking Carl Sagan. I don't know how to explain this shit in that special way which keeps a person interested even though they're wondering why I'm spending so much time talking about the ancient Romans instead of physics and astronomy. See, the DC Youniverse began with a Big Bang. This was represented by Krona jerking off and flinging his semen across the universe and yelling "Thwip!" at the top of his lungs. But before he jerked it and came on Adam-One's face as he also seeded the current DC Youniverse, another universe had just ended. That's the universe the L'army of G'lanterns have found themselves in now! And yes, I'm going to keep referring to them in that shortened, glottal stop way! It's fucking cool.

Now Stewart and his companions have run into Relic because why not? It's not like it's improbable that they would run into this specific being in a theoretically infinite universe! And even if it was improbable (which it totally isn't, things being what things actually aren't), who wants to read twelve issues of the Lost Army as the Green Lanterns search for some clue to what happened to them. I decided not to continue using the shortened forms of Lost Army and Green Lanterns. An eleven year old informed me it wasn't as cool as I thought it was.

Relic is at a point in his life where he has yet to make up his ridiculous, completely-lacking-in-evidence theory about how using the energy of the emotional spectrum depletes the energy of the universe. So instead of battling the Lost Lanterns, he invites them into his ship for tea.

"Peeing in the time stream" is good enough, Guy. You didn't have to add "pool." Because why would a stream need a pool?!

It's about this time that John Stewart is due for a flashback to when he was a marine, so he has a flashback to when he was a marine. Everybody pay close attention to this part because it will develop the theme of this issue! Of course the message will be distorted through the lens of patriotism and how people, especially professional writers of popular entertainment, aren't allowed to criticize soldiers or the military in any way at all. The military is full of heroes who signed on to keep other Americans free and not at all nearly entirely composed of lost souls who didn't know how to live their lives on their own terms, as certain America-hating pacifists might want you to think. There's definitely no reason why the military spends so much more time recruiting at community colleges than four year universities.

Some people who might actually be using community colleges for their intended purposes might try to be offended by that last comment. But that's because everybody views the world through their own perspective and judges things by what they know. Obviously somebody going to community college with plans to transfer to a four year school would want to defend community colleges. I have no problem with them. But even if you're using them planning on transferring (or just only ever planned on getting an Associates Degree), you have to realize that many people only attend community college so that they can continue to live rent free in their parents' house after high school because they don't really know what they're going to do next. A lot of people in your classes at community college don't actually give a fuck about any of the learning going on around them. That's why they're the perfect place to recruit for the military! Recruiters are hunting lost kids who want some kind of direction after high school. It's like recruiting fish in a barrel!

John's flashback is about trusting your enemies or something. It's meant to show that he has experience with working with his enemies to get the job done and that's why the reader can now trust him to work safely with Relic and Krona.

Relic explains his nutty theory so I guess he already believes in the finite nature of the emotional spectrum. He was busy looking for a reservoir of light when he ran into the Lost Army.

Well fuck, John. That's why Relic never needed actual proof! You gave him confirmation of his theory when you lied to him!

Guy Gardner gets pissed at John for lying to Relic. But he gets pissed for all the wrong reasons! I think. I don't even really understand what his reasons are. I think he's angry because John lied so easily? Which is a dumb reason to be angry when dealing with a serious threat like Relic. Maybe Guy is really just mad because John has taken over the role of leader and Guy wants to be leader. Mostly though, I think Guy is angry at John because conflict builds character! And the story would be boring if all of the heroes agreed with each other and weren't constantly about to get into a brawl with each other.

Guy thinks by being honest with Relic, he can help save Relic's universe. That doesn't seem like the kind of thing a character should say after they were so concerned about their piss in the time stream's pool. If he helps save this universe, he dooms the universe they came from! At the very least, he changes it substantially by allowing this universe to exist longer in the space where Guy's universe is waiting to be born out of Krona's self-pleasure.

It's too bad Guy went on this rant about helping Relic because I liked the idea that Relic's theory was wrong but he now truly believed it because John said he was from the future and that the theory was true. But with Guy arguing to help save Relic's universe, it seems Relic's theory is as true in Cullen Bunn's recreation of this story as everybody believes it was during the Relic War in The New 52 Universe.

The Light Pirates attack so the Green Lanterns have to expend more energy to keep Relic's ship safe. I would put another flashback in here so John can think about how the military used up all of the Afghan resources in trying to "save" the Afghans before leaving them to deal with the consequences when the soldiers were finally able to go home.

During the battle, one of the Light Pirates drains Arisia's ring so that she winds up unprotected in space. That's where the issue ends though, so she still might survive. Or DC Comics can just get rid of her so nobody has to be reminded of Hal's time as a pedophile.

Lost Army #3 Rating: No change. I'm not a huge fan of comic books which tell the complete story of something that was mentioned or used as backstory in a previous comic book. I was just fine knowing about Relic's universe and the Lightsmiths and the Dimming and his being laughed at by all of the real scientists because he didn't know how to actually science very well. I did not need any details filled in. The only way I will be happy with how this series ends is if the Green Lanterns wind up being responsible for the death of Relic's universe through their arrogance and belief that their universe matters more than Relic's universe. I also have a problem with this cover because John Stewart was never the last Lantern standing nor did he ever fart in Kilowog's face. That means that Cullen Bunn's story changed since he submitted the solicit for it. Hopefully that means this series has already been cancelled and Cullen Bunn is improvising an ending so it wraps up coherently! Better that this series ends before I wind up hating 2-6-8-1-7-9-5.