Deadman: Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love: Book Three

Finally! The Forbidden Love shall be unforbidden! And hopefully graphic!

Last issue ended with the shocking twist revelation that Adelia was the bad ghost. But she's only the bad ghost when Nathan exits his writing room and enters the part of the house she can haunt. Then she loses her fucking shit because he's just another man ruining a lesbian's life by loving her and trying to marry her. Berenice, the lesbian fiance, wants to marry him for some reason. I suppose she could be bisexual but the story isn't playing out that way. If it were, Berenice would be happy to marry Nathan and fuck Sam on the side. I don't know how happy that would make Sam or Nathan though. But who cares?! This isn't their story!

But this is also Adelia's story. Adelia the ghost was murdered by her husband, probably because of the same reasons she's freaking out over Nathan. Her husband didn't want her fucking the female neighbor.

I suppose this is Deadman's story too although he just seems to be a witness to the events and the connection to DC continuity. He's also the man whose eyes emasculated comic book reading males can peer through so they don't feel like they were tricked into reading a story about women and how women like to fuck other women and don't need men at all. That's really kind of a clever ploy by Sarah Vaughn! Use the hero "Deadman" to show that men are dead and unnecessary!

Adelia has just attacked Nathan but Deadman drove her back into purgatory where she can face the revelation that she's the bad ghost. Meanwhile, Nathan, Berenice, and Sam discuss what happened.

Berenice: "It was a ghost!"
Nathan: "You must be having female problems!"
Sam: "I believe you!"
Berenice: "That's all I've ever wanted to hear! Let's fuck!"

Geez, Sam. Put your vagina back in your pants. You had her at "I believe you."

Nathan passes out because he's not really needed for this story. Unless at some point he's going to threaten to kill Berenice as he relives the past history of the house and then Deadman will have to possess him (against his will! Shocking!) to save the day. But until then, it's just Boston, Sam, Berenice, and Adelia left to solve the mystery. And the only place they have yet to search for clues is in Nathan's writing study! I hope it's filled with corpses and used Kleenex.

The study isn't filled with crumpled up balls of papers that compromise the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth drafts of Nathan's crappy novel. Instead, they discover spell books full of the dark arts. It appears Nathan is really a lich! He has somehow extended his life through the murdering of his wives on their wedding night. Probably. This revelation leads to Nathan trying to murder Sam and Berenice so that his secret remains safe: as long as the house stands, he lives. I guess murdering his wife didn't have anything to do with magic. He probably just didn't like that she was fucking all the women in town.

Oh Deadman. Rape is never okay.

Once Deadman enters Nathan, he's flooded with the memories of Nathan's long life across a couple of centuries. It's convenient because he finally gets the whole story. There's not as much forbidden love as I was hoping.

While the ghosts fight among themselves, Berenice and Sam burn the house to the ground. And then fuck, I hope? I'm starting to get annoyed with this comic book. How dare DC Comics subtitle a book "Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love" and then forget to include the forbidden graphic love.

Berenice and Sam never kiss let alone finger-bang. I think finger-banging was the Forbidden Love. I wonder how much finger-banging is happening all around us in public at any time? I bet at least a couple cases in every movie theater I've ever been in!

The Ranking!
No change. This was the least sexy book about forbidden love I've ever read. I suppose that shouldn't be shocking considering this book was also about multiple corpses.

Deadman: Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love: Book Two

At first I thought the forbidden love would be buttsex but it turns out it's lesbianism. I'm not disappointed.

• The back cover has a picture of Deadman looking perplexed with a quote underneath reading, "I don't know what comes after death." Answer: Death's wife!

• The story so far: a man in the olden times had a wife who wanted to fuck another woman but he was all, "No way! Forbidden love!" And she was all, "Oh yeah! Forbidden love!" And he was all, "You will haunt this house forever with your sexy woman on woman hauntings because I feel emasculated by this and also I have this gun!" And she was all, "Good! I'd rather be dead than to lie with you!" And he was all, "Oh my god! I didn't think I could be emasculated more while threatening a woman's life with my surrogate phallus! I should have all the power!" And she was all, "You have no power here!"

• Later, a woman named Berenice who is going through the same issues as the dead lesbian in the white dress moves into the mansion with her husband. But Berenice is all, "My husband is a bore and I want to fuck Sam the genderqueer lesbian neighbor! And also I hoped I used the terms 'genderqueer,' 'lesbian,' and 'neighbor' correctly!" Deadman arrived because nobody would buy this comic book from DC if it didn't have some kind of link to DC Continuity! Also I think the writer wanted to discuss the inappropriateness of his entering people without their consent. Why not ruin that fun little comic book detail with modern thoughts and awarenesses?! Now every time I see Deadman possess somebody, I'm going to think he's raping them.

• This issue begins with Deadman in some purgatorial space with the ghost in the white dress, Adelia. Deadman merges with Adelia but not in the boinking kind of way I was hoping for. Instead he smashes his face into hers and learns some of her memories. Wait a second. Is smashing your face into somebody else's face boinking? I don't think it is because I didn't feel anything stir in my pants.

• Deadman and Adelia learn that she was stabbed to death. That's different than how I said earlier because I wanted the murder to include the phallic imagery of a gun. I suppose I could do the same with a knife since it's built to penetrate and is often used to do so violently. That's practically a penis.

• After discussing what it's like to be dead and filling Deadman with doubts as to his superhero status (he realizes he's probably just another ghost angry at having been murdered and refusing to move on as opposed to a tool of Rama), Adelia and Boston return to the physical realm to see if Berenice has realized that this story is about lesbians.

• Berenice has been going through Adelia's stuff for days while Deadman was off in purgatory. She's discovered some clues to the Case of the Forbidden Love but she doesn't get a chance to mention them because her husband walks in. Coincidentally (or not so coincidentally, hmm?!), the evil ghost appears at the same time and drives Deadman away and Adelia into a dead faint. I didn't want to use "dead faint" there but it couldn't be helped because I wanted to be as accurate as possible in my describing what happened. I wish what I could have said was "Adelia removes all of her clothes and shows Berenice where to put her tongue."

• Nathan, Berenice's husband (or fiance. Whatever. It doesn't really matter), just stopped by to say how he knows it's been a long time since they fucked but he's really into his writing right now. And Berenice is all, "That's okay! I'm really into Sam!" Then the evil ghost probably snickers in the shadow and rubs his hands maniacally because he gets to see the forbidden love story repeat itself.

• Berenice leaves the house to go find more clues about the Case of the Forbidden Love. Before she leaves, she and the ghost, Adelia, almost fuck. I mean, they looked at each other a certain way and their lips were really close together and that means they want each other, right? That's how it always begins in movies. Oh, and, um, in my life when I had sexual relations with all of those women at camp.

• That was the end of Chapter Three from Deadman's perspective. Chapter Four follows Berenice as she goes into town to look for clues and hopefully have sex with Sam.

• Berenice walks into town thinking about how people make poor choices which begin a process of ruining the rest of their lives as they chew on that regret. That's the kind of thing a lesbian who married a man might be thinking, especially now that she's fallen in love with her genderqueer neighbor and begun investigating the Case of the Forbidden Love. When I'm walking alone at night, I often think, "Sex will be so cool when I finally get to do it! I mean, if any psychics are listening, the main character in the story I'm writing gets to do it! He can't wait to do it! To do it really good! Probably!"

• Berenice doesn't find the conclusive proof that Adelia's husband killed her because she was into Forbidden Love. While she's in town, she decides to stop by Sam's Antique Shop because she hasn't flirted with Sam since Deadman appeared.

• Sam says she's non-binary. I'm sure there's some difference between that and genderqueer so I'll just go with Sam's phrasing. Also I forgot to call Sam "they" or "them" instead of her or him. So now I'm the grossest person in the world.

• Sam and Berenice almost boink but it's still too early for that. If they boinked now, outside of the Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love, how would Nathan walk in on them and become possessed by the evil monster who is against lesbianism? Or whatever you call it when a non-binary person does it with a woman.

• Sam and Berenice head back to the Dark Mansion where Nathan is waiting with some news and a boner. He's finished his book! I bet it's about how nasty lesbians are and goes into intricate detail about their sex lives. Also, he decides to ask Berenice to marry him. I guess that answers the question as to whether they're married or not.

• After Nathan proposes, Adelia flips the fuck out and turns into an evil demon. That's why Nathan was always getting headaches when he was around Berenice. Because Adelia realized that Berenice will be throwing away her happiness if she marries this man, just like she did when she married her husband a century ago. Adelia is the shadow and the Forbidden Love is heterosexuality! Shocking twist!

The Ranking!
No change! I wish I could scan more of the art in this book but I just don't want to ruin the spine by shoving the comic into my scanner. Sorry!

Deadman: Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love: Book One

Yes! A lusty Gothic romance!

The Commentary!
• I only purchased this comic book because it looks like it contains scenes of boinking.

• I was wondering if the kids still use the cool slang like "boinking" so I checked with Urban Dictionary. The main definition says it's a word your parents use. I'm assuming a young person wrote that entry since it's Urban Dictionary and since my parents, who are in their sixties, used the word "fucking." But then they were teenagers in the sixties and grew up in the seventies. Shit was raw back then! "To Boink" sounds like an 80s television reference to fucking since Alex P. Keaton needed a word to describe what he didn't want his sister doing! Alex's parents were hippies so they probably fucked all over the house. And since today's young people's parents grew up in the 80s, they probably did boink! Could it be Urban Dictionary has a crack staff of researchers and copy editors making sure all of their definitions make sense?!

• Although why couldn't television characters in the 80s say fucking? Mike Seaver's friend on Growing Pains was named Boner! Which is why I couldn't watch that show. I mean, come on! "Growing Pains." "Boner." I was hoping to come up with more evidence but that's all I have!

• While looking up how to spell the Seaver family name online, I found an online New York Post article about the death of the actor who played Boner. This was the headline: "'Boner' Found Dead in Canada". Seriously, guys? I mean...seriously? They even caption one of the photos as "Gorwing Pains". Although thanks to the article, I just discovered Boner was Star Trek's Chekov's son. It's possible I knew that at an earlier point in my life. That's the kind of information my brain, thankfully, knows it doesn't need to retain.

• Hopefully that won't be the last time I discuss a boner in this commentary! I mean, this comic book is called "Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love"! That at least hints at some serious sodomy!

• I wonder how quickly I'll regret my excitement over sexy time forbidden love when it turns out the story is about incest and sexual assault! I'll especially regret my excitement if the sex scenes aren't explicit!

• I probably won't be scanning any of the art because this is one of those prestige format books and I'll have to break the spine to get a good scan. Although if the sex scenes are any good, I'm willing to destroy my copy of this comic book for digital scans to add to my research library.

• A woman named Berenice has moved into a haunted house with her manpumpkin, Nathan. Was that Halloweeny enough? I figure I should make my commentaries extra spooky this month! Anyway, Berenice is psychic so she notices Deadman hanging about her house trying to solve the mystery of the Forbidden Love.

• Nathan is a writer trying to finish a book who has suddenly found himself in a large, empty, haunted hotel. I mean manskeleton. I mean mansion! But that was scary, right? You didn't expect the skeleton! Boo!

• Nathan keeps getting possessed by the bad ghost that lives in the house. Deadman is trying to help the good ghost who lives in the house. And Berenice is desperately pretending that she isn't falling out of love with Nathan and totally wants to bone Sam, the neighbor, while the ghosts watch.

• I haven't mentioned Sam because I wanted the reveal of the antagonist to be a surprise! You see, Sam couldn't be possessed by Deadman. That means Sam is either the bad guy or the ghost of the secret forbidden lover. He's probably a ghost! I mean she's a ghost! Maybe that's the forbidden love! Sam, who was probably born Samantha, was in love with the woman in the white dress whose portrait is over the fireplace! But the Woman in the White Dress's husband was all, "No no no! Nope! Unh-uh! No way! Not on my watch! Unless...I mean...can I watch?" Then he killed Sam and the Woman in the White Dress.

• It's also possible that Sam is real and that thing about boning the neighbor is where this story is going. You see, the ghostly activity only just began, even though Berenice and Nathan have been in the house for a few months. That's probably because Berenice has just realized she wants Sam's thighs wrapped around her face while Nathan just fucks off with his stupid book that probably isn't even scary or sexy anyway. So the ghost that died of a broken heart is all, "No way! No true love is going to happen in my house! Especially between two women! Unless, you know, I can watch?"

• While Sam and Berenice are talking about paintings (which I wish was a euphemism for doing it), Deadman enters the room and gets into a fist fight with the real ghost. It's at that point when the story enters Chapter Two! What's so special about Chapter Two? The narrator changes from Berenice to Deadman! Wow. A writer who actually knows how to tell a story!

• Deadman possesses Berenice again so that he can use her to open a door he's having trouble phasing through. While he's inside of her, he gets to experience one of her memories (this happened earlier as well but I didn't comment on it. What am I supposed to do? Just retell the entire story but worse and without pictures?!).

*GASP!* Forbidden love!

• Sam begins to worry about Berenice acting strangely because LOOK OUT! WITCHES! Deadman is making her run all over the house looking for the other ghost. When Sam grabs Berenice's hand, it forces Deadman out of her body. And then they almost kiss! Forbidden Love!

• It's probably too early to call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader but I'm definitely preparing for the moment.

• Berenice asks Sam to leave before they wind up Forbidden Loving all over the house. Afterward, she decides to yell at Deadman for making things weird. What if Sam never wants to talk to her again because she was acting like a nutcase? Oh wait. Nutcase is probably offensive. Um, how about, "Because she was acting like a spaz"? Much better!

• Berenice is also upset that Boston keeps entering her without her consent. He goes all bro-douche on her and is all, "But what if I can't give consent and I totally need to enter somebody?! How fair is that to me?!" And she's all, "Ick! Gross!" So Boston gives up on possessing people for this adventure since he doesn't want to seem like a jerk. Besides, he can talk to Berenice and get her to do all the things he'd do on his own if he were inside of her.

• Berenice and Boston discover a ring owned by the Woman in the White Dress. They also discover her name is Adelia Ruskin. After calling for her a bit, she appears. To explain about Forbidden Love, I hope?! I bet she's all, "I loved Forbidden Love but my stupid patriarchal husband was all, 'You can't do that! You have to do me!' And then he probably killed me or something." How should I know what she says?! Oh! I know how! I should keep reading!

• Darn it! Keeping reading wasn't any help! She didn't say anything except that she doesn't remember! And then Adelia and Boston disappear in a flash of ectoplasm! At least, I hope that's ectoplasm!

The Ranking!
BOO! Scared you, didn't I?!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #13

I was in a bromance once. We did a lot of brock-gobbling and brodomy.

The Review!
According to Lobdell's retweets of people who like his Red Hood Loves Arsenal comic book (because I imagine he retweets every single positive mention he gets), he has about three fans of this book. I'm a nobody and I think I receive more appreciation for my stupid bullshit! That makes me feel bad for Lobdell. Now that this series is over, I truly hope he's decided to recommit himself to giving a shit about his Rebirth comic book. I doubt that will happen since he's been writing for DC for five years and he has yet to prove that he thinks about anything he's writing for longer than it takes him to jot the script down on the back of a bar napkin. He doesn't even seem to remember his scripts from month to month because there is no logical consistency in any of the characters in any of his DC Comics series. I suppose that's the main reason he continues to get work. With no consistency in his characters, he can change them as editorial dictates come down the line. Anything an editor wants, Lobdell does. I'm not saying that as an insult! I'm just saying he's easy to work with and he gets the job that's needed done. It's just that that never results in a compelling story. And it will never result in characters I will grow to love. It simply results in a superficial book that I'll forget about five minutes after closing the cover. I suppose comics has always had a place for that kind of fluff so Lobdell fills a niche. Plus people seem to love Jason Todd and Roy Harper no matter how poorly they're handled.

The Commentary!
I must have slept in on the day this book was released because I don't remember everybody dancing in the streets, fireworks displays around the world, and the end of all global conflict as everybody was united in their hatred of this piece of shit comic book. I suppose that would only have happened if this comic book had been mandated reading for everybody on the planet. Perhaps it should have been! It would have been like Ozymandias's giant space squid exploding into Times Square (except with more deaths from suicide). Everybody would have been united in their hatred and their need to end this threat to their existence! And then when DC cancelled it, everybody would have been so elated that they would have forgotten their petty religious squabbles or international border disputes or terrifyingly militaristic national foreign policies! I suppose we would have had to take to the streets and kill all of the fans of this comic book but that's a purge I believe we could all agree would be for the greater good.

This issue begins with Roy Harper about to die! But Jason Todd has one chance left to save him! And that chance is a mysterious arrow built by a rockabilly genius! It's probably the deus ex machina arrow. Roy can invent anything so I'm not sure why he hasn't invented one of those. He could enter any conflict, fire the arrow, and save the day! What kind of rockabilly genius is he?! He's an idiot for not having invented one already!

Red Hood begins killing the members of Iron Rule by using arrows that negate the nuclear energy that gave them their super powers and brought them back to life.

See? Roy can invent anything as long as he can scream out an explication for what the thing does!

For awhile, Jason Todd was killing people willy-nilly. Then the editorial mandate came down to make him more likeable by not killing (which goes to show how much editorial knows because the only redeeming quality to Jason Todd was that he was the Batman who kills). Just a few issues ago, he was yelling at Roy not to kill. So now that the only way Jason Todd's writer can think to get him through this conflict is by killing the bad guys, Jason Todd must provide some Narration Box Rationalizations for why it's okay to kill this time. Here's an idea! Just let Red Hood kill without compunction! Everybody understands why he kills! Just, you know, write him better. Develop his philosophy and ethics and write the character based on those things. Just maybe make his motivations consistent. Is that too much to ask? Because having him flip-flop from one set of beliefs to another from issue to issue is just one of the reasons why this comic book is so terrible.

Just a few issues ago, everything he was doing was based on giving people a second chance because he was given one. But, you know, fuck that. This is different!

I have a question about Roy's nuclear spill clean-up arrows! What does he do with the arrows after they've been used? Does he have a "Send Toxic Waste Into A Black Hole" Arrow? Show of hands: who thinks nobody will discuss the toxic clean-up before this issue ends?!

Jason Todd kills all but one member of Iron Rule and The Joker's Daughter (oh, he also didn't kill Roy or Tara Battleworth, if that statement had you worried because you're a dummy or an Actually Nerd). It's at this point when Roy Harper decides it's his turn to tell Jason Todd not to kill and that they're better than that. Oh, fuck you, Lobdell. No. Fuck you, DC Comics. Why do you keep giving this guy work? And fuck everybody who likes his writing because you obviously don't understand character, cause and effect, motivations, theme, plot, paragraphs, sentences, words, punctuation, and anything, really.

Roy convinces Jason not to kill the last member of Iron Rule because of Mommy Issues. That leaves just the Joker's Daughter to deal with because she's about ready to blow Tara Battleworth's head off for huge internet ratings. Although, for some reason, the awful people watching this horrible live feed have turned on her and now want to vote her dead instead of Roy. People on Earth-Main-Earth are so fickle.

Roy uses his Stop the Joker's Daughter Arrows to stop The Joker's Daughter before she can kill Tara. I think that's a good thing. I don't even know why Tara Battleworth was a recurring character in this comic book. I guess it's that fickle thing. First she refuses to hire Red Hood and Arsenal. Then she sends them on a field test which they fail so she doesn't hire them. Then she hires them for a special job. Then she never wants to work them again. I think. I don't remember. Once again, a character shows no consistency in this book. Simply put, whatever a character can do to serve the current issue's plot, they will do.

This is how Harry and the Hendersons ended, right?

And that's the end of that nonsense. Except for a back-up feature about how Jason Todd and Roy Harper began their homosexual romance. I mean bromance!

It's not Batman who will wind up killing you when you head out alone without telling Batman where you've gone.

Apparently Batwoman didn't stop the crime of baseball themed bad guys committing robbery inside baseball stadiums. The guys Roy and Jason battle are called the Batboys!

They're not very dedicated to their theme.

I don't like to spoil the ends of comic book stories but I'll just say this: long, passionate kiss and a hand-job.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #12

The covers for this comic book have been terrible lately.

The Review!
This issue wasn't as bad as the ones that came before. It doesn't suffer as much from Lobdell's usually rambling, filling-space style of story telling. Can it be that Lobdell is better at tying up stories than creating new ones? That makes sense. What we have this issue is the revelation that everything that's been happening to the Heroes for Hire has been The Joker's Daughter's plan to finish off Jason Todd once and for all. Her plan is to let people vote on Roy's death to make Jason feel bad and to make people reading the comic go, "Oh, I get it. Because DC had people vote on Jason Todd's death." Since this is the final arc, I imagine the characters won't be dramatically changing motivations anymore, so I'm able to actually trust the story more. We've settled on Jason Todd declaring he manipulated Roy into being heroes rather than the other way around, a revelation I'm sure will not be explained more in the final issue. And The Joker's Daughter is crazy and evil and has always been so. So I guess I shouldn't mind that Red Hood unexpectedly shot her last issue before she even showed her evil hand. All she had shown up to that point is that she couldn't let go of The Joker's face! Maybe when Lobdell writes his Afterbirth version of Red Hood, somebody will tell him every month that he's writing the last story arc because the comic has been cancelled. Then maybe he'll focus and write more coherent stories!

The Commentary!
I keep thinking I need to somehow give Scott Lobdell a completely clean slate once Rebirth starts. But I don't know how I'm supposed to get past my bias generated over the last five years of reading his apathetic scripts. I think I might have to Roofie myself before reading the Afterbirth Red Hood. I wonder if my friend Doom Bunny still has any Rohypnol. Don't worry! He's not a creep! He was prescribed the drug while in Japan because he has sleep issues. I think if he had tried to bring any back, he could have been arrested for smuggling drugs. Hmm, that answers my question because Doom Bunny would never do anything that might get him in even the slightest bit of trouble. He once got caught stealing campaign signs from a neighbor's lawn while in high school and he vowed never to be in trouble again!

I don't want to have to drug myself to read Afterbirth Red Hood, so I'll just meditate on it for a bit and release all of my cynicism and penchant for being terrible into the universe before I read it. Maybe with a clear mind, I'll actually enjoy Scott Lobdell's writing! Although I think I'd actually need no mind for that to happen.

Currently, Arsenal is being held by Iron Rule who are asking the internet if he should be killed. Of course the internet is going to vote yes. Roy does know that most people on the internet hate him now, right? Thanks to his constant and obnoxious narration of his life. I believe Scott Lobdell thinks Roy is hilarious. He's not. And if anybody reading this thinks he's funny, you should fuck off right now. I don't need dopes reading my commentaries!

First off, he wasn't doing stand-up. He was just rambling. Second off, only hacks say things like, "I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your servers!" Thirdly, thirty-three thousand people is not "the entire internet." Fifthly, when did Tara Battleworth begin thinking Roy was charming?

Now, I said the entire internet would vote to kill Arsenal but that's wrong. Obviously he still has his brain-dead supporters who somehow can't see how horribly Lobdell has damaged his character over the last five years. So some people would still want him to live. But that's me speaking about a fictional character. I'd like to believe that if this were a real event in the real world, people would be voting like crazy to keep him alive. Because most people are kind and wouldn't want to be a part of murder, no matter how abstract. Of course a lot of people would still vote to kill him! That's because a lot of people on the internet (and by "a lot of people," I obviously mean "young males" and "older males" and "the rest of the males" and "all of my exes") are dickhole's dickholes. But I don't think there would be enough negative votes to outweigh the good votes. Although the biggest dicks are the ones that seem to have the most passion, so they'd probably create some kind of algorithm to vote to kill Roy about one hundred times every second.

While everybody in the DC Youniverse is casually voting to kill Roy Harper (which I don't think they would really do because how many of them have to endure his Narration Boxes? That's why I want to kill him!), Barbara Gordon stumbles upon the site and gasps, "Holy fuck! This isn't the porn I was searching for!"

Babs calls Roy while Roy jerks off to Duella being hauled off in a stretcher. That's good violence! Red Hood mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter have a lot in common which I've talked about in previous installments of this absurdity. He's trying to save her and all that because he got a second chance and everybody deserves one. But he mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter both chose to wear the Joker's old face. Why the fuck didn't Lobdell focus on that element throughout this whole Red Hood/Joker's Daughter thing? Now that's interesting! That's where the story lies. Not in this faux Jason Todd looking for redemption by bringing it about in others bullshit. Because that fucking crap hasn't been sincere at all, as proved by Todd finally giving up on her and shooting her. That Joker link is what this should have been about! This is why Lobdell is a poor writer. In his writing, he misses more opportunities than he takes advantage of. Mostly because he's busy writing superficial nonsense to just take up twenty more pages each month. He hasn't fucking committed to these characters in the whole time he's been at DC.

This is how I always answer the phone. It stymies telemarketers. And my mom.

I have to say, I can't remember when I thought this comic book looked this good. I'm digging the small panels laid out around a few bigger panels. It's reminiscent of Grendel when it was drawn by those brothers. I forget their names. Let me ask Lord Google. Oh yeah! The Pander Brothers!

The Joker's Daughter is rescued by Iron Rule on her way to the hospital. She's apparently their leader. It's a good thing Jason Todd shot her then, isn't it?!

Hmm, maybe you shouldn't blame Bruce for not being there to save you when you ran halfway around the world on your own. Maybe if you'd made better choices, you wouldn't have been beaten near to death and then blown up. Maybe, Jason Todd, you need to own your part in your own death and stop blaming Bruce.

Looking at that picture, I just realized The Joker has most of his teeth on the right side of his mouth!

The issue ends with Jason Todd finding one of Roy Harper's Genius Rockabilly gizmos that is going to save Roy's own life. It's not revealed what it is yet because Scott Lobdell probably hadn't decided by the time he handed in this script. I guess we'll find out next issue! The worst part about having to wait until next issue is the realization that I have to read another issue of this.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #11

This cover perfectly captures the essence of the story within: confusing garbage.

The Review!
Scott Lobdell will always have a job working for editors who hate trying to wrangle writers into being team players (being a team player, to an editor, is doing exactly what the editor wants) because Scott Lobdell has no vision of his own. I suppose you can say that his vision is writing characters that he thinks young people can identify with by making them rebellious and full of angst and angry at adults and authority but that's about the extent of it. It's not like he can build consistency in his characters over time because he just needs them to act in a way that will further whatever direction editorial wants the characters to be headed. So if editorial thinks Jason Todd as a murderous anti-hero sells, that's who the readers get. But when attitudes seem to change and people think he shouldn't be going around shooting everybody in the face, suddenly he's against killing! That might be okay if the stories backed up the change in character. But Red Hood changes his attitude by seeming whim alone. At least Roy Harper has been consistent. You always know he's the same old Rockabilly Genius that the introduction assures the reader he is, no matter the evidence to the contrary. What I'm trying to say is that this book is terrible with a capital shitfuck.

The Commentary!
Scott Lobdell has fallen into a rhythm with his Red Hood Loves Arsenal stories. He's found a theme that he's determined to stick with no matter how tired anybody gets of it. That theme is redemption. You see, Jason Todd and Roy Harper have both been given second chances. So now Jason Todd is only ever going to run into other characters who might be seen as villains or, at best, anti-heroes and he's going to cradle them in his arms and say, "Shh. Shh. Daddy's here now. You deserve to be loved. And I'm the one to do it because it'll show I'm better than Batman. And Roy will help because he wants to be better than Green Arrow. Because adults are poopy." Then all the shallow misfits of the world who can somehow, blindly, look past Scott Lobdell's awful writing feel good and embrace the comic book and call Jason Todd their little lost puppy dog. I don't know how many of those people exist because all the misfits I've ever known are anything but shallow and would sooner shit on a copy of Red Hood Loves Arsenal than read it. I don't currently have to shit so I guess I'm going to read it.

This issue begins with a flashback to when Roy Harper was working with the Wrecking Crew or whatever the fuck the bad guys are called in this issue. They're basically the negative version of Roy and Jason's Heroes for Hire business. Roy Harper's narration helps me remember that this crew call themselves Iron Rule. I'm not sure why. I've never heard of the Iron Rule before. Is that the one where you treat other people how you'd like to be treated if you liked to be treated like shit?

Once again, thanks to Roy Harper's incessant narration, I discover the meaning of the name!

It doesn't sound cool at all. It sounds fascist.

While Roy has nightmares about his old team and I have nightmares about the amount of Roy Harper Narration Boxing I have to read, Red Hood and Duela Dent discuss how she feels about going back to school. Duela doesn't find it weird that Jason Todd is completely made up as Red Hood for this chat. She should have though because Jason Todd is ambushing her. He found the Joker's face she kept hidden in the bathroom so now it's time to turn on her. Hey, he tried to help! She just didn't want the help and decided to keep doing what she wanted to do! So now his only choice is to abandon her even though that would mean he's not better than Bruce at all. He's exactly like Bruce!

Okay, maybe he's nothing like Bruce. He's not even the shit scraped off the bottom of Bruce's Batshoe. Jason Todd is an asshole.

This is probably why Scott Lobdell still has a job at DC Comics. You would think that the company would want to hire great writers and then keep the great writers working for them because great writing creates great word of mouth which creates great sales. But in the comic book business, what you really want is a writer who doesn't give a shit about what they're writing and will burn everything they've been working on at the drop of an editorial hat. So even though Lobdell has been working on this whole redemption theme and how Jason Todd has the compassion and empathy to try to understand and help the bad guys (after, you know, years of him just shooting people in the face. Again, Lobdell doesn't give a shit about consistency), Rebirth crops up and the status quo needs to change. So Jason Todd decides to forget all that shit about how he saw a little bit of himself in The Joker's Daughter just because she backslid once (or twice? Who cares how many times. He knows how hard it is to better oneself!), he's going to abandon her. And not just by sending her to Arkham where she can get help (okay, so nobody is actually getting help in Arkham. But she can theoretically get help there in the context of the DC You's reality). No, he has to shoot her and make a stupid fucking joke. Nice work, dick.

Meanwhile there's the Roy Harper story that I just don't fucking care about because Scott Lobdell has ruined Roy Harper forever. I'm not even being dramatic! Roy Harper is done! He'll never get the stink of Lobdell off him! No, that's not true. There's one way DC Comics can fix Roy Harper so that I'm not constantly remembering how awful he was in Lobdell's scripts. If DC can manage to get Thomas Pynchon to write a Roy Harper comic book, I might be able to forget how shitty he's been written for the last five years. Anyway, the comic ends with Roy facing off against Iron Rule. I hope they kill him.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #9

It's kind of unbelievable that this is an Ed Benes cover because The Joker's Daughter hardly has any boobs hanging out everywhere.

The first thing I thought of when I saw this cover was that it's a good thing Jay and Roy are fighting zombies because they're allowed to kill them without everybody getting all sourpuss faced at them. But then I realized something else: way too many stories these days deal with why the main character kills or doesn't kill (usually doesn't!). Can we all just accept that Batman isn't going to fucking kill anybody and stop having stories where he has to explain why he doesn't? Or he has to prove to a bad guy who thinks not killing is a weakness that the bad guy is wrong? The same goes for Superman! How often does a bad guy pipe up with some shit like "I've got the upper hand because I will actually kill and you are a right puss from Pusspuss, British Columbia!" You can tell my imaginary bad guy is stupid because he thinks Superman is Canadian!

Can DC just put up a poster in their offices with a list of things that we can all just take for granted? Let me start the list! Everybody else can add their own!

Things To Be Taken For Granted In Every Iteration of the DC Universe!
1. When the Metal Men are not in operation, Doc Magnus likes to stuff the Responsemeters up his rectum.

Let's build on this list, DC Fans! Not Marvel Fans allowed! You'll just make a mockery of it!

Currently in Red Hood Loves Arsenal's Junk, the Roy and The Joker's Daughter were kidnapped into Ann Nocenti's Nethers! Jason Todd has followed in the hopes of rescuing them (or at least The Joker's Daughter. Fuck Roy!). Things are going to really get crazy and interesting because the best writer at DC Comics is on the job: Scott Lobdell!

I wonder how much money Scott Lobdell is making off of the Age of Apocalypse X-men movie. He must get some kind of royalty, right? Wasn't he a big part of that garbage which is basically just more of the same from the X-men? Humans versus Mutants with a little Mutants versus Mutants because only good Mutants can stop the Bad Mutants from proving the fears of the Humans true! The Humans are just cowering, lower evolved garbagesicles.

I know! Because Scott Lobdell likes to play his scripts by ear so he changes the plot every month when he gets a new idea! Not that he had an old idea on where his old story was going. That's for pretentious writers who like to have themes and points to their stories! This is just a fun rollicking roller coaster ride of Roy Harper's Narration Joking and Jason Todd's constant whining about how dumb his partner is (while also acknowledging his big heart!).

This story is called "Harmed and Dangerous" because ha ha ha I can't breathe so funny.

Jason Todd is currently putting bullets in a new gang of bad guys who had a really witty name that I can't remember now. Hopefully Lobdell will reintroduce everybody during the first five pages that he always saves for recaps via the main character's super snarky and hilarious narration!

Oh yeah! They were the Iron Rule which isn't as witty as I remember it being. Maybe I'm just not getting the pun! Is it like the Golden Rule but harder?

As you can see, much like the Teen Titans, the Iron Rule takes care of its own. That's the most important thing to both groups! No wonder the Teen Titans seem like bad guys now. They really should start making helping people their first priority or at least move from a Superhero Comic Book to some kind of existentialist Indie rag about how hard it is to be a teenager.

Jason Todd makes sure to think about how he's going to defeat the Iron Rule by treating them as a single organism (something Ducra taught him!) so that when he defeats them the same old way (by punches and bullets and probably some kicks), it'll seem like it was a well-written answer to how he overcame this new problem.

Meanwhile, Roy Harper needs to get some Narration Joking in so it's his turn for a few pages. I forget what he was up to because I probably hated it. He's discovering an old stadium which is now underground because this area was flooded a hundred years ago and you know how when building are flooded they soon sink under the ground and into caverns so that they're not flooded anymore and the water stays above them and it's all very heady geology that's tough for a lot of people to understand so I'll stop explaining it.

No! Don't do it! It's not worth your sanity!

Roy stumbles upon Joker's Daughter being held captive by some asshole whose face she burned a grin on way back in that Catwoman series previously mentioned. That asshole's plan is to knock down a few pillars and cause Gotham to collapse into the Nethers. Which totally doesn't make any sense because the space is so huge that Gotham should have simply collapsed into it a long time ago. I hate the Gotham Underground. I like my comic books to be unbelievable but there's a line! And that line is almost always crossed by Ann Nocenti!

The Iron Rule were paid by Charon to kill everybody in the Nethers which makes less sense than anything else since Charon is going to bring Gotham down on their heads anyway. Speaking of which, he's going to bring it all down on his own head as well. I don't think he's thought his plan through very well. I also still don't know why he needs The Joker's Daughter. It's possible he mentioned it previously but why would I waste any brain matter remembering shit Lobdell wrote?

Jason Todd's battle with Iron Rule isn't any sort of epic. They get the upper hand. Then Jason Todd gets the upper hand by pointing out that he's following the training of Ducra and letting his body be the weapon. But then that totally fails even though it's not supposed to and he's caught by the Iron Rule. But then he somehow winds up on a ledge above them while one of the Iron Rule says, "That was some toss." I don't know who tossed him. I don't know what happened. But I do know that Jason Todd didn't survive this battle by his own skill. He might as well be dead because he's terrible at superheroing.

The Joker's Daughter tries to kill herself when she kills Charon by throwing him into the lava. But Roy saves her with a Save Somebody's Life Arrow and then it's time for the feelings even though this comic book gives me no reason to feel anything for any of these characters except irritation and annoyance.

Oh! Oh! I'm a stupid fucking fan who feels every feeling for Jason Todd because he's such a precious baby fluff and I can't tell when he's being written horribly because I've projected every one of my own issues onto him and he must be kept safe in the way that I like to believe I wasn't (even though I totally was and am really just blowing life with my parents way out of proportion)! Boo hoo! Heroics!

The story ends with Joker's Daughter leaving the rotting Joker face with the lava people and Roy thinking about his last mercenary group he ran until they went rogue: The Iron Rule! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #9 Rating: No change. Here's how a Scott Lobdell book about youths goes: Lobdelled first page, title that's a bad pun and/or song title, snark, snark, snark, terrible jokes, terrible jokes, more irritating snark, bad joke, bad joke, snark, snark, killing that winds up not being killing because the Boys have changed their ways, bad snarky joke which irritates, moment where Jason Todd sees something in somebody else and wants to save them, moment where Roy Harper uses his experience as an alcoholic to help out, feeling of guilt and shame. Oh wait. That feeling of guilt and shame is just me after I'm done reading the comic book.

Don't forget to add stuff to the list of shit that should be taken for granted in the DC Universe, okay?