Action Comics #978

Is Action Comics going to simply become the place to tell the new official stories from Superman's past? Is this the night he and Lois first engaged in mutual masturbation?

My question is answered when I open the stupid comic book with a resounding, "Why yes, Tess, it is! Here is a picture of Lois plummeting from a crashing helicopter which makes little sense if you look at it for too long! So don't look at it for too long, you dick! Stop it! Turn away! I can see you criticizing me with your stupid human eyeballs!"

Apparently she was standing on the roof of the building and dove off to avoid being crushed by this crashing helicopter.

This is ridiculous. I've been praising DC Comics for Rebirth because they were merging The New 52 and Rebirth with the Pre-Crisis and Post-Crisis worlds (according to Convergence, I think?). In a way, it just felt like they were apologizing for the constant run of reboots since 1985 and just allowing DC continuity to be whatever each reader brought to it. But now, immediately after their big "Superman is more than you realize!" story, they're cementing all of his experiences into an "official" version. Are Continuity Trolls keeping DC Comics' child hostage? Do they have photos of DC Comics finger-banging Marvel Comics in a back alley while Dark Horse watches and masturbates? Why can't DC be as fast and loose as I portrayed them in that previous sentence? Why is everything in the world done in an attempt to satisfy and shut up the worst of us all?! Oh, except maybe in France. Congratulations on being smart enough and compassionate enough to do the right fucking thing.

Lois Lane is screaming "Noooo!" in that panel because she apparently doesn't know how to face death with dignity. Look, Lois. You can't bend reality by screaming denials into its smug face. Although I do congratulate you on looking so hot in the face of death. I suppose that's why you're about to be saved by Superman while the fugly pilot dies in a fireball of fire and balls.

If somebody with whom I was in a serious relationship ever said, "I knew when we met that we'd wind up together," I would dump them on the spot. Creep!

Superman might just be saying that he knew they'd wind up together because Ma Kent told him that he had to marry anybody his penis touched and his penis is definitely touching Lois's butt through practically no clothing at all in the next panel that I didn't scan. It's the panel where Lois is having an orgasm because Superman is so handsome and muscular. Here is how she orgasms: "Who-- --who-- --oOoO...". I would say how I orgasm but I don't want people who know me to think, "Oh gross. He's made that noise several times in public!"

Meanwhile on the moon, Matrix Man brings The Eradicator back to life. Matrix Man (who is actually somebody that will cause me to make my orgasm noise when his real identity is revealed) has been going around restoring all of Superman's old enemies who were messed up due to The New 52 and the early stages of Rebirth when it was still in utero. Yes, it was still "in utero" even after being rebirthed. DC never totally knows what they're doing when they do it. They mostly just fly by the seat of their pants which is why each of their Reboots always needs a reboot to clear up the problems with the reboot. It won't be long before there's a New Rebirth Crisis Hour crossing over into all of DC's comics!

After watching the day he met Lois (which was also the day he knew he was going to fuck her because he wanted to and his life is the only one with agency), Superman watches several other days in his life that were important enough to cement into the minds of the current readers. Did Superman really use to wear his underwear on the outside of his costume? You bet! Did Superman propose to Lois in this current continuity? Yes! Did Lois know he was Superman before he told her? Fuck hell of course yes otherwise it would make her look stupid plus she wrote that article exposing his identity (no wait. I don't think that happened anymore (no wait. It did happen which is why Mr. Mxyzptlk had to interfere which is why Superman is now both Preboot and New 52!)). Did Superman die at the hands of Doomsday? Yawn. I mean, yes! Did Coast City get destroyed, turning Hal into a serial killer of Green Lanterns and leading to him, eventually, becoming The Spectre? Well, um, maybe some of that happened! But I think the dominoes fell differently this time around. Maybe?

After his death, Steel, The Eradicator, and Cyborg Superman are mentioned as having appeared on the scene. What about Superboy? Either that's different or he was too boring to remember.

But how did they die? A car crash on Clark's prom night? Or a mystery disease while vacationing in the Caribbean?!

After Jonathan is born, the archive begins to integrate Preboot Superman's arrival to The New 52 Earth into the story. He built the Himalayan Fortress of Solitude so that the Arctic one could be more secretive. He and Lois bought a property in California where they pretended to be other people to get away from things as a family. During those times, he wore his undercover black Superman outfit. See? All this shit totally works out if you want it to.

The only part I disagree with (for personal reasons) is that Oracle is shown in Superman's memory. Not the cute Oracle who was good with computers and helped the Suicide Squad! The terrible Oracle created by Scott Lobdell! The one that was all powerful and yet not powerful all at the same time. The idiot one that was a big rock that floated through space looking at things blow up. I suppose DC had to include something from Lobdell's time on the book since they chose to merge New 52 Superman with Preboot Superman. I would have chosen the door Superman found floating in the sky that never became a plot point of any story.

Later on the moon in their new secret base, the Superman Revenge Squad (not a name I made up) meet their mystery leader: Hank Henshaw. Oh. That isn't as exciting as I was hoping. Boo. Stupid! Bogus! Apparently next issue, they're going to recruit Mongul. He needs to be brought back to life too, right? Or extracted from The Phantom Zone? I can't remember what happened to him. I think Dr. Ozymandias and Mr. Manhattan have been messing with my memories too.

The Ranking!
No change! This comic book continues as doula for the audience as we go through rebirthing pains.

Trinity #6

Just in case you were wondering who the Trinity were (and you couldn't read more words than "Trinity" (I'm sure that's a thing!)), here they are on the cover!

The Review
Francis Manapul came up with this analogy concerning life and walls. He decided to make it into a story. The analogy went something like this: we build walls around us to keep out dangerous people, probably because our mother was overprotective. Even rock stars do it! But the walls also keep out good and kind people! So they're not really as great as we think they are. Francis thought, "Okay, okay! That's a great start. But what's the lesson?" Then he came up with the lesson after writing six issues. The lesson was that the walls, even though they protect our delicate psyches and fragile bodies, don't need to be knocked down completely. You just need one crack to let in the light! Hooray! Everything is better now and the judge that is actually a giant asshole can no longer tell you that you can't eat your pudding!

I bet Francis was super jazzed about this story idea until walls became associated with idiotic presidential claims. Now people will read Francis's wall analogy and think, "Yeah! Walls keep out the danger and keep us safe! Life is so much better! But I'm not too sure I like that idea about the crack in the wall. Won't some Mexicans get through that?!"

This was a mediocre comic book trying a new riff on the Pinocchio story. White Mercy has become a real girl because she learned all about loyalty from Wonder Woman, joy from Superman, and incapacitating obsession from Batman. Although, since her father is Mongul, it's probably her severe Daddy Issues that enabled her to become real in the DC Universe.

The Ranking!
No change!

Superwomans #2

The Plot!
A Metropolis protected by a Superwoman needs a nemesis on par with the Lex Luthor of a Metropolis protected by a Superman. And that's what we get in Superwomans #2! Lex's sister Lena Luthor is revealed to be the brain behind the recent attacks on all Lex Luthor's properties. With her troop of Bizarronesses, she's captured her brother and seemingly killed one of the Superwomans. She's also been conducting torturous experiments on the super villains in the prison, probably so she would be able to fit her Bizarronesses with powers like shape shifting and turning people to sand. They obviously don't like being henchwomen though because one of them asks Lana Lang for help aboard Lex's gigantic Battlepenis.

The Theme!
I think the theme is to be nice to your siblings even if you're a sociopathic megalomaniac because you never know if your sibling is also a sociopathic megalomaniac! Is that a theme or a moral?! Maybe the actual theme has something to do with how a society who holds profit above compassion and empathy winds up failing to take care of the people incarcerated by federal (and probably state?) law. Not that a sufficiently dark and terrible government wouldn't experiment on its prisoners in gruesome and terrible ways! I mean, historically, I'm sure there's at least one country out there who did some kind of Scheisse like that. But at least we can assume that a government body won't be super terrible because it's run by people who theoretically can be voted out of office if they fail their constituents by turning prisons into factories which pump out violent criminals instead of trying to rehabilitate convicts. But if you leave it up to a private firm, the only thing they care about is what cuts into their profits! And also the private corporation might be run by a sociopath whose sister is also a sociopath who wants to get revenge on her brother by creating an army of super soldiers from technology gained by torturing the prisoners in the privately funded prison! How many times have we seen that story on 60 Minutes?! Probably a lot, right?

The Review!
Phil Jimenez once again packs a lot of words into this issue. What does he think he's doing?! He does know he gets paid the same amount if he just scripts a bunch of double splash pages full of sound effects, right?! Doesn't he know he can spend the first four or five pages just repeating what happened in the previous issue?! Then he can waste another four or five pages of script with a fist fight! Is he stupid?! Not writing is way easier than writing! I wonder if Brian Michael Bendis looks at a Phil Jimenez script and just shakes his head in disbelief before writing, "Pages 1-3: Spider-man swinging around city. Maybe he sees like a cat or something. Or an old lady through a window getting out of a shower. Page 4-5: Double splash page of Spider-man on ledge of building with head in his hands. Page 6-9: Old lady on phone with friend. Leave room for big ass speech bubbles because I have this great bit I'm writing about a lady who thinks she was peeped by Spider-man. Totally hilarious. I will probably get laid at the next con just for this one bit."

Ranking!
+1! Mostly because there is just so much story! Totally worth $2.99! You can't find better value for your money than this comic book! If you judge your value by penny per word.

Superwomans #1

Superwomans?

The Review!
This comic book has a lot of words and panels in it! You can tell Phil Jimenez is an old school comic book guy by the density of the story in this thing. I mean, he's not that old school! He's really pretty much a young pup since he was born in 1970! That's still a kid! Not as young and sexy and virile as somebody born in 1971, of course! But he's definitely of an age that read comic books written by guys who must have been making about a quarter of a cent per word based on the amount of shit they stuffed into a book. Nowadays most writers make about $100 per word! Some make even more by just filling the comic book with sound effects and forcing the artists and letterers to come up with most of the script! I haven't done an average panels per page count since the first year of The New 52 but this one deserves a look. It's just about an average of ten panels per page! And that's with two pages counting as one panel early on. This thing is packed with a lot of story about women doing the work that needs to be done while a man waves his giant Battlepenis in the faces of the media. I enjoyed it but I still think DC should have gone with the title, "Superwomans, Superman's Ex-Girlfriends".

The Commentary!
The last time I bought a comic book with a Superwoman in it that was not Superwoman from Earth-3's Crime Syndicate was a DC Comics Presents Annual. I think I have two copies of it because my mom also got me a copy for Christmas one year. I read all of my DC Comics Presents comic books a few years ago but I don't remember what happened with Superwoman! I think I might actually have forgotten to read it! I remember she was bald and that's about it. But then, I can hardly remember the story to any of the hundred or so issues of DC Comics Presents I read. I remember The Flash and Superman raced each other in one and discovered that aliens somehow barnstormed Earth with their semen to create human beings. And in one, Swamp Thing had to help cure Superman by cradling his head in his lap. I'm not surprised I don't remember many of the stories because they were all pretty terrible. It's a good thing Superwomans doesn't have any actual connection to the DC Comics of the late seventies and early eighties when DC had mostly given up on quality.

The issue begins with Lois Lane showing off to Lana Lang by holding a tractor over her head. This is the part of the story where everybody who doesn't read the solicits (you know, just me, I think) says, "What the fuck is going on here?! I thought Superwoman was going to be the new Superman of Paris or another sexy country like, um, Iceland? But instead it's Lois Lane?! How the hell did she get powers? Did she report on a nuclear power plant melting down and decided to sneak in to get the scoop and got super powers instead?!" This is also the part of the story where everybody who reads the solicits probably isn't reading this part of the story because they get all of their information about comic books second hand but then pretend like they've read them. Just like everybody who reads reviews of movies simply so they can discuss some other person's opinion of the movie instead of forming their own opinion. Most of those people don't even realize how much of their opinion has already been formed by the ongoing conversation before they see the movie or read the book. I see that kind of nonsense constantly online. People parroting other people's opinions just so they feel like they're engaging in the conversation. I suppose it's also kind of a safety net so when somebody tells them they thought the opposite, they can say, "Oh, well, that was just what I heard." No commitment to the thought! But then that's the cell phone connected society we live in, I guess. Everybody feels they need to have an opinion on everything, even if they have no experience of that thing. Which is why I'm going to read this comic book before I come to the conclusion that it's feminist propaganda meant to normalize the role of women as the main characters in comic books! I mean, what's next? Supercat? Superhorse? Supermonkey! Hmm, I hope so!

This issue is called "Who is Superwoman?" but I think that's rhetorical because page one already explained that it was Lois Lane. I think we're supposed to wonder how this happened. Which is good because I'm totally wondering that!

Oh hai, Bethany!

What does that reporter mean by "and then some"?! Is he suggesting Superwoman is better than Superman?! I knew it! The feminist agenda is to make women better than men! I'm outraged! Except I have to admit that most of the women I know are far better at conducting their lives than I am. I would probably be homeless and living in a Volkswagen van if it wasn't for the Non-Certified Spouse not wanting to see me forget to eat and die distracted in the streets. I'm not saying she's taken over the role of mother in my life! That's gross! I'm saying she's taken over the role of Social Welfare Agent who is also a part-time Zookeeper. Sure, I have my own business and we've had a good life for quite a while now because of it. I'm not saying I've taken over the role of father in her life! That's gross! I'm just pointing out that I probably wouldn't have this business if I was the only person I needed to worry about taking care of. I'm really not that worried about myself! I think I would have done pretty well in that Volkswagen.

Oh! I just realize that sexist reporter's "and then some" might have been a comment on her breasts! For shame! What a pig!

Lana Lang has taken a job as a reporter for The Daily Star. That means Bethany Snow is her coworker, that vile bitch! Sorry, sorry! I'm still so angry at her betrayal of the Teen Titans at the hands of Brother Blood. No wait! I like Brother Blood better than the Teen Titans! Bethany was on my side! Go Bethany! Sorry about the vile bitch comment. I actually, um, meant it positively! Vile bitches get shit done!

I wonder if Lana Lang is going to get super powers soon? It seems everybody with the double L initials is getting them. Lex Luthor. Lois Lane. The firewoman whose name I can't remember! Lana's already a genius just like every other character in DC Comics. It sure would be nice to have some regularly intelligent people in this universe. Maybe even some stupid ones. Can we bring Dumb Bunny back?

Lex has created a giant penis he calls the Gestalt which will sit in Metropolis Harbor being the envy of everybody who sees it. Especially me! I mean, especially super villains! They take this opportunity to cause trouble by shutting down Lex's armor (so he's just like Gordon in the Bunny Armor, is he? Whenever the writer wants, they can just shut down his armor and he's helpless!) and sending the Gestalt toward the edge of the harbor where it will probably crash and kill scads and scads of people. Although some of those people might enjoy getting crushed under the weight of Lex's Gestalt.

Oh yeah! I completely forgot this was a Superwoman comic book.

The ship is too much for Superwoman to handle so she tells Lana she needs her help. What the hell can Lana do? It's not like she has super powers too! I mean, right? She doesn't, does she? Oh man. She does! Apparently she and Lois got powers when Superman when nova around them when he apparently died. Since Supergirl is already taken, I guess Lana is going to have to be Supertramp! I mean Superlady! Oh! Except she's also just Superwoman! So the title really is Superwomans! That's just...dumb.

I guess if you're a journalist or reporter in Metropolis, you also get to be a superhero. Although it's much easier for a print journalist to write all about their own exploits. How is Lana supposed to report on her exploits at the scene? She's going to be a huge failure!

The Superwomans save the day in a totally impossible way so it's a good thing Lana says, "This should never have worked. It totally defies the laws of physics." No wait. Actually she should have just never said that! She should have said, "Our asses make great shock absorbers!" And Lois could have been, "I can't believe that twerked!" And then they could have made out.

Lois and Lana decide to become a Super-Squad of Superwomans! They'll not only control the skies but the media response to the women controlling the Metropolis skyline! But then Lex owns The Daily Planet, so he might just fire Lois Lane if she writes too many Superwomans articles and not enough Superman (Lex Luthor Style) articles.

Oh! Apparently the danger on the ship isn't over yet! Whatever caused the ship to go out of control has actually breached it and is still aboard! The Superwomans decide to investigate. I hope they eventually get comfortable enough to call in Batwoman for help! Too bad they don't currently know her number because she could have helped against the creature they wind up fighting. It turns out the creature was aboard the ship all along and is just another Lex Luthor Bizarro experiment. But since this is Superwomans, the Bizarro is female! And she turns Lois to stone! Or sand! Or salt. Something. Right before Lois "dies," she says, "Clark? Oh god. I understand now. It all makes se...". Then she goes semi-nova and winds up as grit. Bizarroness looks just as confused as Lana when the scene ends.

Next issue: Who killed Superwoman? I think that's a trick question! Lois probably isn't dead. Probably. It's just a hunch I have.

DC Universe Rebirth #1

First there was the Pre-Crisis Universe. Then the Post-Crisis Universe. Then the Zero Hour Touch-up Universe. Then there was the 2000s with about two dozen crises. That became the Preboot Universe. Then came the Reboot Universe. Then the DC Youniverse. Now after Rebirth, it will be the Afterbirth Universe.

The Review!
I can live with this change. I can't say for sure but it sounds like DC Comics is finally taking my advice that I've been giving for free for five years now and decided to go with a really loose continuity. Everything happened if a writer wants the thing from the past to have happened and wants to use it in their story. And since Wally keeps mentioning how he's forgetting things, he's helping frame the universe in a way that defies explanation. "Well how did that come about?" "I don't remember! Because if I remembered, it wouldn't make any fucking sense!" This is the kind of continuity I like. You know what? Forget even that word: continuity. It's history. It's the history of the DC Universe that makes the characters who they are and DC is once again acknowledging it. Let the Fangenders who need a consistent world that makes sense day by day struggle for a change. I just want to be able to read a comic book and think, "This is the world where Shade the Changing Man took place. At least until he got the Vertigo label, I guess! Same with Doom Patrol! I can now have the Cliff Steele who was friends with Crazy Jane and mentor to Dorothy Spinner. Although Booster Gold is still AWOL. Maybe he'll be the final fix to the universe. Actually, if Booster Gold were the Narrator in this comic book and it was Ted Kord who remembered him and brought him back, I might have actually cried. But as it was, I don't really have any emotional attachment to any Flash that ever existed. All in all, I like the direction the DC Universe is headed. I mean, since it's a universe, it's headed in all directions. Which isn't exactly true either because it's just expanding but not really moving! Or something.

The Commentary!
This comic book has a lot of pages for just $2.99! I don't mean that as praise that DC has held the line at $2.99 because they really haven't. They only do it when it suits them. Like with Rebirth! This is like handing out ecstasy at the local Junior High School. You know those kids won't be able to spend their lunch money fast enough for more of that shit. Of course, if the comic book is awful, DC could give this away with free hand-job or digital manipulation and nobody will be back for more. Hmm, even I wasn't convinced by that. If I got a free hand-job with this comic book, I'd ask my local comic book store to order more.

Okay, I'm going to take a serious guess as to whose hand is coming out of that bright light! I'm not going to make a bunch of jokes just to cover for my ignorance so that afterward I could be all, "Oh, ha ha! My guess was so obviously a joke because I totally knew who it was but who wants to read page after page of me bragging about my Grand Master Comic Book Reader status?! My guess is...

Jonni DC!

It would be just like Johns to turn Jonni DC into a dramatic character whose much more important than anybody first suspected! If I'm wrong, I'll never do what I would have said I was going to do here anyway so I'm just going to forget I said it.

The issue begins with somebody talking about a watch they received from their uncle which had been in the family for generations. Is Geoff Johns trying to make us think of things shoved up people's asses on purpose? That would make a good category on Jeopardy. I bet I'd do really well with that category.

The Narration Boxes are yellow and red so I'm going to guess they're Wally West's thoughts. Plus the Narrator mentions meeting a hero and becoming a legacy. Also because fans of Wally West have never been able to shut up about his disappearance from the DC Universe. Are there worse fans out there than Wally West fans? Of course! Look at the barely human monsters who like Deathstroke! Wally West fans are just over-enthusiastic! And whiny!

Nonexistent Wally West has decided that maybe Batman can help the DC Youniverse remember him because Batman can do anything. But Batman is currently obsessing over The Joker. Better yet, he's obsessing over three Jokers! This must be Batman's best day ever! Finding out there were three Jokers! My theory is that Rebirth is going to allow all events in DC's history to be part of continuity. Nothing has been labeled an Impossible Tale. Nothing has been Retconned. Nothing has been forgotten and thrown into the bin. It can all be referenced because it all happened. How it all happened doesn't fucking matter, you nerds! Just let it be! Let it all lie in a big disgusting mess on the floor like some forgotten, vile, stinking Afterbirth. Oh yeah! I mentioned my theory to continue with the three Jokers thing! I bet it's Geoff Johns way of explaining the various Joker-type stories. You have Joker stories where he's just a goofy flirt. And you have Joker stories where he's a dangerous, murdering, maniacal madman. And you have Joker stories where he puts things up Commissioner Gordon's butt while taking pictures. Hmm, maybe that falls into one of the first two categories. Anyway, I think you can probably think up a third type of Joker story better than I can because I'm barely paying attention to anything. I mean, I just farted a really long fart and am still giggling about it.

Great. The tomato goblin is back.

So is this how things stand, DC Comics? If I whine long and hard enough, you'll bring back my favorite character, the original Sgt. Rock? I don't mean an old guy who lived through World War II! I mean the same guy who was in the World War II comic books but is now alive in the modern era after having lived through World War II and all the intervening years without aging somehow. You figure it out! You're the comic book writers! I guess I just have to complain loudly enough until I get my way! Let me practice with some of the things the Wally West fans probably said to get this moment again.

"I will never accept that black kid as Wally West!"
"I can't believe you Blackwashed Wally West!"
"Wally West was my favorite when he wasn't a black and a criminal and not a white!"
"I hate when things change and they're not the way I wanted them to change! Plus some derogatory stuff about black Wally West! Like referring to him as Kanye!"

Okay! I think I got the hang of it!

I know people weren't simply upset that DC brought back Wally West as a totally different colored person (who was black). They were upset long before DC tried to bring Wally back as a totally different person. I guess I just don't understand the kind of love and loyalty a person can generate for a fictional character. Especially one with red hair.

Look, Afterbirth is messy! I'm going to ruffle some feathers here with some real honest facts like how redheaded people aren't actually people but some kind of meat-vegetable hybrid.

As an aside, people should remember a few words as they read my comic book "reviews". Those words are "hyperbole," "facetiousness", and "genius".

Wally is currently in a place where he remembers Flashpoint and probably all of the other stories he's ever been a part of. He's in the DC Afterbirth! Some people call it the Speed Force but I call it the Afterbirth. Mmm-hmm.

Two identical workplace accidents?! I bet OSHA was all over that.

Wally goes on to explain, in story terms, how The New 52 (and stories preceding it and Flashpoint) were huge mistakes that needed to be set right. But they needed to be set right in story terms! So instead of a bunch of editors taking the DC Universe and fucking it in every orifice they could until the Universe oozed from every pore, the DC Universe would have to be set right by the heroes from within! They would have to pretend the bad guys weren't the editors at all and were actually fictional supervillains or space aliens or time monsters who had to be stopped at all costs! It might not return the universe to something that fangenders can make sense of but it will hopefully return all of DC's history that was once lost. It has to be that way because look at what Giffen is doing in the Sugar and Spike comic book in Legends of Tomorrow! He's got DC's whole history as his playground and he's making full use of it! I mean, in Issue #3 he brought one of DC's Impossible Tales into actual continuity! If Rebirth is doing that, I'm all for Rebirth! Even if it means this idiot Wally West is back!

Just kidding, Wally West fans! Sheesh, you're so easy to piss off! It's like taking candy from a baby and then punching that baby to death so it shuts up about the loss of candy.

Chapter One ends and I realize I'm going to be writing a novella about this thing. I hope you're comfortable and have plenty of Oreos to eat while you read this. Speaking of Oreos, I'm going to go get a Ho-Ho now.

Next, Wally visits an old man in a facility for the elderly. If he's tied to the Speed Force, might it be some version of Jay Garrick who's still tied to the Afterbirth so he realizes something isn't quite right with the world?

Oh! It's almost Jonni DC, right?!

Johnny Thunder can't help because he's old and has lost the genie. So Wally continues his search. While traveling to his next destination, he feels somebody else lost outside of time whom he can't reach. Probably Booster Gold. He's been missing for quite awhile and he's supposedly important to straightening out all of these time shenanigans.

Some blonde member of the Legion of Super-heroes has also arrived in the present DC Youniverse to speak with Superman. The Legion of Super-heroes has about five million members and a good portion of them are blonde, so I don't know who it might be. Saturn Girl? One of the other ones I don't know the name of? Infectious Lass? Is she one of them?

Next there's a scene with Ryan Choi so I know Gail Simone just got some bonerses.

Ray Palmer has discovered a new universe that he's dubbed the Microverse! I'm snickering because I can now see "bonerses" and "Microverse" next to each other. Apparently the Microverse has something to do with how time has been fiddled with and The Atom has gotten lost investigating it. He needs Ryan Choi to once again become The Atom and to try not to die this time. Did he die the first time? I don't remember because time may have been changed and I can't trust my memories! Also I've never read a single comic book that had "The Atom" boldly printed across the cover.

The next legacy character to be visited is Jaime Reyes and his mentor, not dead Ted Kord. It's about time New 52 Ted Kord made an appearance as Blue Beetle and not just as some guy considering going into business with Lex Luthor!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've been able to do this again! Although I think I only used to do it when Jaime was in costume.

Jaime flies off to school while Ted is visited by Doctor Fate. Not that namby-pamby Doctor Fate who won't take his job seriously! This is the Doctor Fate that everybody wants to fuck. His voice is so...so...fonty! He explains that the Blue Beetle scarab is magic and not created by a race of aliens like everybody and their animated universes would have you believe! It's more of a Dan Garrett Scarab!

Elsewhere in the soon-to-be soup of Afterbirth, Damian turns thirteen which makes him eligible for the Teen Titans, Jessica Cruz has decided that what would make her costume really stand out is a Green Lantern Insignia monocle, and Aqualad is into boys. Thankfully! I always thought he was a fish-fucker.

Chapter Two ends with Pandora exploding into dust and smoke, much like what happened to Metron and Owlman on the moon. Good riddance! She never played the part she was supposed to have played anyway! I don't think. It's hard to say. All that Trinity War stuff was legerdemain. DC was all, "Look! Look! The Trinity of Sin! This is about them! Or is it about Wonder Woman, Superman, and Batman! Oh, oh! We fooled you all! It was really about Earth-3! Which isn't actually a trinity unless you include it as one part of three Earths. Which you shouldn't because Earth-2 never came into play in that story! By the way, fuck you, you stupid fans! Ha ha!"

They lost a chance at a one night stand is what they lost. And besides, what are Green Arrow and Black Canary doing at the site of Superman's death? Especially Black Canary! Shouldn't she be rocking somebody's face off right now?

Clark White and his family are hiding out in a hotel room trying to figure out where they go from here. Clark runs into the enigmatic Mister Oz last seen in Geoff Johns' run of Superman. I think. He's all, "I sent a blank Superman notebook to Superman! So funny! Maybe! I'm mysterious! Maybe it was foreboding! Things aren't what they appear! Or are they?! Oooooh! I can't say too much! Gotta go!"

On a deserted island somewhere, Aquaman asks Mera to marry him. Is this Didio and Johns' way of saying they were wrong and they realized all the things that they stole from their universe with The New 52? Because I can think of better ways to go about it than by making Mera miserable! Can you imagine spending the rest of your life as Aquaman's wife?! How humiliating.

Finally at the end of Chapter Three, Wally finds Linda Park and asks her to help him. But she doesn't remember him and he fucks off back to Afterbirth. Ha ha! I can't believe some Tumblrer thought this would make me cry! I don't give a shit about Wally West and Linda Park and their "true love!" Those quotes indicate you should read "true love" in a mocking, sing-song way. This story had better come with something a lot sadder than Park not remembering West!

Chapter Four explains who the new Wally West is. He was never meant to be a replacement for old Wally West. And by that I mean, he obviously was but now Geoff Johns has thought of a way to make him Wally's cousin Wally. Although he says that New 52 Wally West is Daniel West's son which isn't true at all. Or at least it wasn't true. I guess it's true now. But since this is Afterbirth, we have to hold both possibilities as true! Because every story DC has ever told has now happened! Even if some of them had glaring errors in them. Like this one I'm reading right now that says New 52 Wallace West is Daniel West's son.

After Linda forgets him and he sees Kid Flash is in good feet, he finally decides to confront the guy who caused all of this to happen (or, at least, gave the mysterious villain the opportunity to cause it). He really should have gone to see Barry Allen first. I know Batman is the go-to guy to solve every problem but when time is fucked up? That's all Flash.

Still not sad. If Wally really does die before this is over, still won't be sad. Might even have a little dance.

The Flash manages to recognize Wally and pull him back into the world. Or it was a mistake and he thought it was New 52 Wally he was rescuing. Either way, it worked! Preboot Wally West is back in the world! Now he can tell everybody about the danger and they can stop it by the end of this issue and the DC Youniverse can turn into the DC Afterbirth! Or it could go another way. It could go the Geoff Johns' way where nothing is really explained but he keeps on baiting hook after hook after hook for ten years telling his story without ever satisfying anybody because he keeps changing direction every year or so. You know, it'll probably go that way.

The Flash suddenly remembers everything thanks to remembering Kid Flash. He now knows lots of things that don't add up or make any sense if thought about for too long. So don't think about them! Just remember that all of your favorite Flash stories happened at some point. Every single one of them. Even the bad ones happened! But you don't have to acknowledge those if you don't want to. Because it's all right there. DC acknowledges that they all exist. All of it. No matter how hard it is to explain things now.

The way Wally West tells the story about the people who want to destroy the universe just make it sound like he's talking about DC's editors and readership. I suppose he could be but that would actually suck because I don't want that kind of meta-bullshit invading my mainstream superhero comic books! Although I suppose the bad guys might just be aliens called "Eddortors" or something.

The last page of the main story has Batman finding the Comedian's button with the blood on it in the wall of the Batcave. Well, that explains why Johns made the first page so reminiscent of the Watchmen.

The Epilogue takes place on Mars where Ozymandias and Doctor Manhattan are having a conversation as Doctor Manhattan fixes Wally's lost watch. It sounds like Adrian, once again, manipulated events to save everybody from themselves. Instead of a giant exploding space octopus in Times Square, he used Flashpoint to change shit so that DC Comics wouldn't go bankrupt. Or something. I don't know. He's way smarter than I am! I'm sure he had a reason!