Batman Loves The Shadow #1

Oh boy! They're so going to bat fuck!

I didn't want to buy this comic book but my local comic book shop put it in my pull box and I was too timid to tell them I didn't want to purchase it. Plus Orlando has a hand in writing it so Snyder can't fuck it up that bad, right? I really don't trust Scott Snyder to write anything interesting anymore. I should have known he was a huge fraud when he wrote Superman Unchained and he made the same mistake that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco had both made in earlier New 52 titles: he confused Antarctica with the Arctic. Plus it's Snyder's fault that I now have to read so many mediocre DC Comics written by James Tynion IV.

The second main reason I didn't want to purchase this comic book (after Snyder having a writing credit) is that I know nothing about The Shadow. I know The Shadow knows shit. But that's like all I know. According to the cover, he also uses guns. So I have a feeling we're going to get a philosophical discussion between Batman and The Shadow on the ethics of murdering criminals.

The issue begins in the French Alps where Henri Ducard guzzles wine and shows Bruce Wayne his enormous sword.

Is this comic an adaptation of an upcoming JRPG?

Bruce Wayne has uncovered a mystery that even he, the world's greatest detective, can't solve. So he's come back to Ducard for more training. I imagine Ducard will point out that he's not doing the father of the kid who murdered his kid and looks at his granddaughter with naughty eyes any favors. And then I imagine Bruce Wayne will pull out his check book and say, "Would you do it for five brazillion dollars?" Then they'll make out because drinking wine that high in the Alps always ends up in gay sex. Always.

A week previous to Bruce and Henri performing Swan Lake with their penises, a chipper man who worked at Arkham Asylum was found murdered in his house next to his two-legged dog. I suppose the readers are supposed to feel empathy for this guy because he had a handicapped dog and because he took the time to bring the various inmates at Arkham some of their favorite foods. But since he was murdered, I'm going to believe he was a fucking pedophile and totally deserved it. I'm not falling for any more authorial manipulation! Unless it's digital and rectal.

Renee Montoya is left to investigate the scene on her own so that Batman can stop by without any extraneous scenes where the cops try to arrest him.

I have to say that I'm not totally shocked to discover Batman is into necrophilia.

Batman sets up his "Bat-Ops Forensic Overlay" which is the kind of technology that would help police departments all over the country solve murders but Batman selfishly keeps to himself so that he can remain the world's greatest detective. While the Bat Ops does all of the grunt work so that Batman can pretend he used his brains to solve the murder, he's attacked by a shadowy assailant! I wonder who it could be?! If only there were a clue in the adjective I used!

Batman kicks the assailant out of the window and chases him onto a nearby roof where they can have their Good Guy Fight without Renee Montoya interrupting. Hopefully they realize quickly that they're on the same side and they're working the same case and the victim was a child diddler who most readers were all feeling sympathy for for a bit (mostly because of the poor doggy that couldn't know any better that his owner was a pervert).

Batman's combat partner says some thing about some guy named Patrick so that Batman can say, "But how do you know that?! Hunh? How do you KNOW!?" That's when the guy reveals his identity and laughs, "The Shadow knows! A-HA HA HA HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Then he shows his guns to Batman and disappears before The Joker's lawyers show up with a cease and desist in regards to all of that laughing.

L'esprit d'escalier.

Batman does some investigating and discovers that The Shadow's facial features match the features of a man named Lamont Cranston who died in 1963 of cancer. The pedo dog lover victim's name was also Lamont Cranston! Duh duh DUN!

Batman's investigation eventually leads to The Shadow's hideout in Gotham City. He probably lives on a floor between the Court of Owls' floor and the 14th floor. Inside The Shadow's lair, he finds a picture of his grandfather and some weapons that match the weapon used to murder Arkham's Lamont Cranston. He also finds a training sword that matches Henri Ducard's huge fucking sword. That's why the issue began a week into the future with Bruce Wayne meeting with Henri Ducard. And now that the issue is almost over and the readers know why he's there, the narration returns to the French Alps.

After Batman lays out all the shit he found on The Shadow, he presses Ducard to help him. That's when Ducard changes shape and become The Shadow! A-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

The Ranking!
This was okay, I suppose. But I'd probably rather read a story where Batman teams up with a character I care something about. Who is The Shadow? I don't really know and I don't fucking care, really.

Suicide Squad #9

Lobo's expression makes it seem like DC Comics are far sexier than they really are.

That's how everybody reads pornography, right? With their tongue hanging out while sitting on surfaces that reflect light impossibly? Not that anybody "reads" pornography anymore. And by "'reads' pornography," I mean spend hours searching through the bushes in and around the local junior high school until you stumble upon some kid's hidden stash of magazines with titles that scream "This magazine has never been seen in a shop anywhere in this city so where the fuck did it come from?" My guess is that Girls Who Eat Cum and Vaginas On Mustaches were direct market magazines sold only to adult "book" stores.

This Justice League vs. Suicide Squad tie-in issue is about the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad's first mission. The team consists of Rustam, Emerald Empress, Doctor Polaris, Johnny Sorrow, and Lobo. Call me neuro-atypical but isn't Lobo enough? If you have Lobo, I don't think you need a team. You also don't need to threaten him with a bomb inside of his brain. You just pay him, wash your hands in a bowl of water being held by a Roman nearby, and get on with your life. Easy peasy!

There first mission is to stop a DC Version of North Korea from destroying the world with their new metahuman weapons.

I don't mean to be critical of Lobo's English since he's obviously ESL and who am I, a guy who knows only English, to criticize a person who has made the kind of Herculean effort to learn more languages than the one they learned almost automatically from birth BUT he really doesn't need to both start and end a sentence referencing the person he's speaking to. I will not change that to "to whom he's speaking" because that's an antiquated grammar rule which tries to force English to be more like Latin. So don't correct my English when I'm trying to correct somebody else's, you jerk!

Amanda adds one more member to the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad team: Cyclotron. In a different version of the DC Universe that isn't this one at all, Cyclotron was Nuklon's grandfather. This is before Amanda came up with the brain bombs and thought she could manipulate people by dangling gold-plated carrots in front of them. Cyclotron is probably the "brain bomb" last resort for when she loses control of these maniacs.

The Squad is airdropped into the tiny evil country where they immediately encounter the metahuman threat composed of Growth, Missile, Statue, Wind, and Island.

Bah. No man is an island.

Even though it's an obvious thing to say, I just like the rhythm of that caption responding to the panel.

During the battle, Amanda realizes that the civilian populaces are inextricably linked to their metahuman overlords. When the metahumans die, the civilians die as well. So Amanda decides maybe they should abort the mission before everybody on the island is dead. Amanda Waller of the past is soft!

The Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad defeats the metahumans and the evil emperor. The only part of the mission left is to destroy the machine the country was using to create metahumans. Past Amanda Waller screams at them to destroy it in an emotional display which Present Amanda Waller would never succumb to. Sensing her desperation to destroy this machine, Cyclotron steps forward and proposes a better idea: the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad should use the device to take over the world themselves. For the first and last time, Amanda Waller shits herself.

That last sentence doesn't have the impact it should because I forgot to mention this story is called "The First and Last Mission of Suicide Zero."

Amanda realizes that gold-plated carrots aren't the best thing to dangle from a stick if she wants to keep people other than Lobo or Captain Carrot in check. She makes a mental note to check into the efficacy of brain bombs and then tells Rustam to destroy the machine himself. Lobo also decides he wants to destroy the machine because he's one of the smartest villains in the DC Universe in that he would rather have money than the pain in the ass bullshit that comes with ruling the world. I'm glad he said that (and Rob and Si wrote that) because it's tiresome having all these super-villains who are fighting to simply have more stressful lives. People who want power are fucking damaged idiots with low self-esteem and probably tiny hands and the worst comb-over in the history of comb-overs.

Amanda Waller thinks up a new plan on the spot: double the size of the gold-plated carrot!

I'm beginning to sympathize with Lobo in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. Did Amanda renege on the promise of payment and instead stick him in The Catacombs? I suppose the story isn't over yet but Lobo may be the only member of the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad with an actual beef against Amanda. Oh, and Rustam! But he's a Quraci terrorist so fuck him!

Cyclotron tries to talk his way out of being killed by Lobo. He points out how he was promised his freedom to go on this mission but now Amanda has ordered him killed. How can you trust a lying monster like that?! I mean, ignore the part where Cyclotron decided to derail the mission and stopped doing what he promised to do for his freedom. I don't think that part is important to Cyclotron's argument. I mean, sure, he's right since he was really just part of the mission so Amanda could abort it using his death (probably! I'm still not past the part where Lobo decides to kill Cyclotron! Which means he's also killing Future Nuklon, I guess! Poor baby Nuklon! Although I'm assuming Nuklon is okay since Cyclotron already had his baby girl by the time he got his powers. So good news, Nuklon fans! Nuklon will be around in like fifty years or something.).

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

I suppose everybody here should be pissed that Amanda tried to kill them all with Cyclotron's blast. But all of them except Lobo and Rustam brought it on themselves, really. I hope Lobo gets his double-sized gold-plated carrot at the end of Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. I bet he does. That's why he joins the Justice League of America! For the excellent pay and benefits. I mean, he won't actually get the benefits because they're only going to hire him part time. And his pay won't be that great because he's technically unskilled labor and an illegal alien. But the promise of constant violence is a nice perk!

The Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad manage to survive the blast but they were all comatose. So Amanda built a prison for them and locked them away because they were too dangerous to have in the world. Mostly they were too dangerous to her and her future plans. Always best to just bury incriminating evidence way out in a desert. Or so I've heard.

What Did We Learn?
I don't think we learned anything we didn't already know. Lobo will do anything if he's getting paid. Amanda Waller is a monster. Some other characters exist with motivations already mentioned in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. But I do appreciate having this Rebirth origin of the super-villain version of the Suicide Squad, mostly because Lobo is in it. Also, Lobo was written well! Not that it's hard to write Lobo. You just have him refer to himself as the Main Man, say "frag" or "bastiches" once or twice, mention how he always does a job he's been paid for because he's an honorable genocidal maniac who loves violence, and don't have him say "Sorry, not sorry." Easy!

The Ranking!
+1!

Batman #8

The Ranking!
+0! This issue has monsters in it. The Bat-family fights the monsters. Some of the Bat-family are monsters! That's about it!

Batman #7

Shouldn't the title of this crossover be "Dark Night of the Monster Men"?!

The Review!
The Monster Men have arrived in Gotham and it's just as whatever as I knew it would be! It's full of this and loaded with tons of that! It probably needed some kind of tagline like "If you thought Batman fought monsters before, wait until you get a load of 'Night of the Monster Men'!" Or maybe, "'Night of the Monster Men' will have you thinking, 'Gee whiz! I'm glad it's not Monster Women!" How about, "I bet you couldn't wait to read the story where Batman teams up with the Suicide Squad, right? Well you have no choice but to! Because this week, it's 'Night of the Monster Men'!"

The premise is that Hugo Strange has turned a bunch of corpses into monsters. Those monsters are now attacking Gotham on the night a major hurricane is supposed to sweep in. Since Red Robin has just died, Batman declares that nobody else is allowed to die. But he made that declaration before he knew the city wasn't just trying to survive a hurricane. Now they've got the Monster Men to deal with too! The silver lining on the hurricane is that the Monster Men were created from corpses. That means Batman can kill them because killing a reanimated corpse isn't actually killing. So I probably shouldn't say he's "killing" them. He's just, um, "putting them back to rest."

Nightwing has come to town to help like a big idiot so now his comic book is caught up in the Monster Men crossover too! What a fool! Too bad Red Robin is dead because he probably could name all of the monsters they're going to have to battle. He seemed like a huge nerd. But I can also name them! Don't try to transitive property those previous two sentences, jerko! The first monster Batman kills is a cyclops. It's from that one that he discovers Hugo Strange is behind the Monster Men. But the next monster only attacks on the last page so Nightwing will probably have to defeat it in his comic book. It's a griffon. Or just a dragon. Maybe a Bat Dragon? Yeah! That's probably what it is. A Bat Dragon!

Steve Orlando and Tom King are behind this story so it must have some depth to it, right? It's not just about fighting monsters in Gotham, right? Maybe the hurricane is a metaphor for all of Batman's tears over Tim's death. And the Monster Men are representative of what Batman could become if he lets his grief get the better of him. Or maybe this is all just a way to get the heroes back into action without any kind of mourning story since we just had the story about Gotham Girl's mourning. Plus Tim got his wake in Teen Titans. Which is weird since it was Rebirth Tim Drake who died and The New 52 Titans who mourned him. It's as if the Rebirth world is just The New 52 rebranded so that all of the angry people who hated The New 52 could begin reading DC again without losing any face. Everybody knows it's still The New 52 universe but we're all pretending that it's different somehow. I mean, Wally West is back! That's got to count for something for all the jerks who liked him for some reason.

The Ranking!
+0! It's just this comic book story, you know? Nothing special and nothing terrible. Hopefully the rest of the chapters will make it stand out.

Constantine the Hellblazer #13

Is Constantine bisexual because everybody he meets gets fucked?

The Review or Whatever!
• This issue is called "Worthless" which is a good start toward my prediction that Constantine's plan to rid New York of Neron was to make New York worthless to him.

• Constantine and some of his Justice League Dark pals who he's steal on speaking terms do some magical tweaking of the very nature of New York. Apparently that's something magicians aren't supposed to mess with but since it's never been mentioned until this story, it's really easy for Constantine to break that rule. He breaks them all anyway, right? But how much easier to break a rule that was just made up to be broken! So easy!

He won because the writers are on his side, dummy.

• Constantine has turned New York into the most boring city on the face of the earth, full of boring bores whose souls are worthless. So it's Portland now?

• I wonder if Portland, Maine, has a couple dozen confused hipsters living there?

• Lady Alexandriel of Faerie proves she's a top one percenter by offering to buy out Neron in his time of desperation. She smells somebody about to lose it all and she offers him next to nothing for everything he has. I bet a lot of this is going to be going on in Britain in the next few years. Does Britain get to declare itself its own continent now? Did leaving the European Union cause it to leave Europe completely?! That'd be awesome. Maybe they can call their new continent Pluto.

• In return for helping make New York a part of Faerie, Constantine gets Oliver's daughters' souls back. And New York is...well, probably not a whole lot different. Maybe there will now be a few more musicals?

• Constantine learns a lesson that most people never learn: communicate! Make sure the people close to you know what you're doing so they don't call the police when you keep on taking dozens of kittens into the basement. You don't want to find out the hard way that your Kitten Cuddle Room has branded you as a serial killer. So instead of letting Oliver know that he had a plan to save Oliver's girls, Constantine just rushed off to do it after telling Oliver he failed. So Oliver went out and made a deal with a devil to get his girls back on his own. That devil was Blythe, who really dislikes Constantine right now.

• So once more, Constantine loses somebody he loves because that's just the way Constantine's life is. I would like to say it's a curse and it's through no fault of his own but that would make the character far less interesting, wouldn't it? No, John knew when he approached Oliver that Oliver was probably going to end in a bad way. And even though John thinks he cares, he knows he didn't care enough to simply stay away. He tried to leave Oliver but, of course, that was after it was way too late. And it's not like Constantine didn't already know that it was going to be way too late the moment he introduced himself to Oliver.

• I'm excited for the next chapter in Constantine's life! I love seeing innocent people damned to hell for being too sociable to the wrong people! Serves them right!

Batman #52

I bet we get Happy Batman for only one issue and the Rebirth will provide him with plenty of reasons to be sad and justice-obsessed again. Besides, we already have Happy Batman and his name is Dick Grayson.

The Review!
If Issue #51 was Snyder's epilogue, Issue #52 is Tynion's footnote. That doesn't mean it's less important! Footnotes are quite important to the overall understanding of the complicated thing being read. Or the wanting to be postmodern thing being read. Whatever. Anyway, it's a pleasant little story about how Alfred helped focus young Bruce's obsession so that the search for justice wouldn't consume him, and he'd always keep in mind that he was doing it for his parents. Or something. Maybe I didn't understand the story as much as I could have had I not been punching holes in my wall while screaming, "Why didn't you ever show your love, Daddy?! Why couldn't you die while I still had an untarnished image of you, Mommy?!" Reading this will probably be a different experience for most of you. Aside from the damaged sheet rock, it was an enjoyable story!

The Commentary!
Thanks to Jury Duty, I'm even further behind in my comic books than I already was! What shit timing because Rebirth comes out in about ten hours and I won't be able to read it immediately. Which means somebody, somewhere, is definitely going to spoil the entire thing for me. I guess I'm just going to have to ignore my Message Inbox for a few weeks. Luckily, nothing exciting happened during Jury Duty. It was so many levels of boring greater than I remember boring being. The best part was when a guy approached me because he must have thought I was poverty-stricken. He came up to me on the second day during lunch and said, "Excuse me, sir. I noticed you didn't go out for lunch yesterday either. Would you like a sandwich?" He then offered me what looked like a homemade egg salad sandwich which obviously means it's also a homemade germs from his unwashed dick hands sandwich as well. I politely declined and then chuckled to myself. See, I have this Burberry trench coat that I've been wearing for nearly a decade that I call my bum coat. I purchased it for less than twenty bucks at a Buffalo Exchange for a Philip K. Dick costume. Now ten years or so on, it looks even more like a hobo trench coat because it's severely in need of a good dry cleaning. It probably has more unwashed dick hands germs on it than the guy's Smeg-Salad sandwich.

Anyway, the final issue of New 52 Batman! I guess Scott Snyder couldn't be bothered to write fifty-two issues because he's a highfalutin la-dee-da dandy-pants. It's a good thing James Tynion IV is his thrall. "Larksadaisy, I think I've got a touch of the vapors! Somebody get Squire James on the horn and tell him another opportunity for greatness has arisen! He may write Batman once more! Oh, and whoever made this sweet tea? Kill them."

The issue begins two weeks after Martha and Thomas Wayne were murdered. Doctor Leslie Thompkins decides to pay Alfred and Bruce a visit. She also believes it's a good time to make jokes about acquiring the Wayne's grandfather clock. Alfred also explains why Wayne Manor wound up creepily being the home of just a butler and a young boy for so long. Alfred had to fire the other staff because he always hated them.

Doctor Leslie's professional advice to young Bruce was to make a list because she's the psychological equivalent of Cracked dot com. But Bruce is too young to realize that making lists is a stupid fucking way to organize content. It's much better to simply label something in a completely misleading and incomprehensible way so that you can disguise the place where you actually tell your most secret inner failings and life-shattering existentialist fears. Then people will stumble upon it and think, "What is this nonsense? Oh! I think it's about a subject I enjoy! Plus it's funny! I think. I mean, what's with all the wallowing in death anxiety and obvious abundance of Mother Issues?"

The first thing on Bruce's list must be "Watch more television." The second thing on his list is "Learn something mystical and wise from an Oriental mystic." Don't side-eye me! Bruce is the one who uses terms like "Oriental!" Didn't you see how I put that in quotes? That means it was based on the character and not mired in my racism!

After those two seminal moments of Bruce's past (which must be the most seminal moments ever or why did the story begin with them?), the story returns to the present where Batman is continuing his obsession with making lists.

This must be a new list because "Disappear." is totally different from "Watch more Great Space Coaster!"

Batman is hunting a new villain named Crypsis. It's also possibly an old villain. How should I know? Is this called Eee! Who's Who Ate Chai Tea? Of coruse it isn't! That doesn't make any sense, dumb-dumb.

I'm not ashamed that I had to look up on the Internet what "crypsis" meant. I am ashamed to say I've already forgotten because the Internet is full of naked people.

Batman fails to stop Crypsis from stealing Safety Deposit Box 1047. That number probably means something. But if it has anything to do with October 1947, I don't know what that would be because the covers of Batman and Detective Comics for that month are just the usual silly bullshit featuring Penguin and The Joker. The case has something important to Bruce Wayne inside of it. Maybe it's his original Recovery To-Do List! It could cause some real embarrassment for Bruce Wayne if Vicki Vale were to get her hands on it! You all know how embarrassing your earliest attempts at writing were, right? I mean, I don't know because everything I've ever written has been spun gold. I mean, it hasn't actually proven to be valuable at all. But some day, I'll be regarded as the more reclusive Emily Dickinson!

Another entry: #3 See How Small I Can Make My Penis.

Batman continues to remember his list and I have to admit, it is funnier than most of Cracked dot com's lists. "Disappear. Feel nothing. Let go of everything. Make them feel what I feel (which is, by the way, nothing if I'm doing the list correctly. Don't worry! It probably makes sense! My mind is damaged from trauma, remember! Gosh! Stop being so judgy!)."

There's another flashback and it makes my tear ducts think that they might be needed later, so they begin firing up the machinery.

Does Leslie Thompkins actually have a degree? What the hell has she been telling this kid?!

Bruce tears out the page with Alfred's addendum to his list. Oh, I bet that's what's in the stupid safety deposit box! Just that one page! And I bet Alfred wrote something stupid like "#99: If you insist on masturbating into the hand towels, please rinse them out yourself." Or maybe something more helpful and heartfelt also.

The entire notebook is inside the box. But I bet Alfred's page is Scotch taped back in! And I bet it's covered in baby Bruce tears!

Uuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggghhhhhhh! Whew. Whew. I did it! I avoided tacking on "and semen!" to the previous paragraph! I have the willpower of Hal Jordan!

Dammit. That didn't make me cry at all. Shut'er down, tear ducts! You won't be needed again until we pass another dead raccoon on the freeway!

Don't get my caption wrong! It's a nice bit of writing and a touching sentiment and blah-de-blah-blah-blah! It's just I've never given a fuck about how proud or not proud my parents were of me! Proud? Who the fuck cares about proud?! You know what did mean the world to me? The unconditional love of my mother's parents who never would have expressed their affection in such a cold way as "being proud." You know who says things like "We're proud of you no matter what you do"? Assholes parents who are really just saying, "Well, you're a fucking failure, but I guess we have to love you anyway." Look what needing somebody to proud of them has done to this poor lonely, damaged, and frightened child?! He had to become the greatest hero of all time just to think maybe he could make his Mommy and Daddy proud!

You know what? I could just be arguing semantics! But I really feel it's an important distinction to make sure your kids know you love them and want them to be happy and fuck all this pride nonsense. It's what makes corporate monsters!

Constantine the Hellblazer #6

Homophobic zombies are the worst.

I feel like "homophobic zombies" is a redundant phrase. Before the theme of zombie movies became the less than subtle "humans are the most dangerous monsters," wasn't the theme usually something along the lines of the loss of critical thought multiplied by apathy and increased by the power of selfish desires turns people into unthinking creatures driven by consumerism, prejudice, and fear? Wait. Are we currently living in a zombie apocalypse?! That's too bad because I don't own a shotgun. My only weapon is this blog and that's just fucking pathetic. And now I'm asking people to pay for it! Christ, who do I think I am? Christ? Although for just one dollar per month, you can enjoy being blasted in the face by my carelessly offensive words on a daily basis! You know what? It's probably a good thing I don't own a shotgun.

Has anybody tried defeating zombies with Pop Rocks? I don't know how it would work but I think I've grabbed hold of the tail of some fantastic scheme!

This story has nothing to do with Pop Rocks but you'll realize why I thought of it after I tell it. One time, I was on LSD while at the Great America amusement park in Santa Clara, California. My friend Mike and I were walking up to stand in line for The Demon (standing in line for a roller coaster while on LSD is like a sine wave ranging from overwhelming hilarity to soul-crushing paranoia). A small boy was standing around the front of the roller coaster where you enter. As I passed him, he looked up at me, held out a long sparkling plastic package and said, "Want some Fizz?" My eyes grew huge, I held out both hands as if I were pleading for alms, and said, "Yes. Please." Fizz, if you've never had it, is a hard candy with a center that fizzles like burning gunpowder when it hits your tongue. Except it isn't painful like I imagine a mouthful of burning gunpowder would be. If I were of a religious bent, I would claim that boy was a small miracle sent from heaven to provide me with an experience I didn't know I needed while tripping balls. I would probably also be really fucking annoying and use the word "blessed" way too fucking often. I would also need to look up the definition of the word "miracle" and stop using it in cases that most obviously aren't. I'm glad I'm not of a religious bent!

Constantine isn't religious either although I think maybe he should be. He does deal with demons and angels a bit too much for him to logically be anything but a believer. He might be a self-hating agnostic though.

The issue begins with Constantine dealing with a health and safety violation in his apartment building.

I feel like this would be less annoying than a tenant living with a dog.

The little girl turns out to be Walter, an ex-Arch-Duke of Hell. He figured Constantine would help more quickly if it were a little girl in trouble. Walter has been spending his time on Earth rescuing cats and getting them set up in nice apartments with subservient ape roommates. Constantine compliments Walter by calling him the most boring demon he's ever met.

Since I don't have anything horribly nasty to say about this comic book after the first four pages, I'll tear into Scott Lobdell for a second. If this were a Lobdell comic book, the first four pages would have been spent reminding everybody who the characters were and repeating the last four pages of the previous comic book (although sometimes changing things because he had a new idea in the interim between writing his scripts). I get that "every issue is somebody's first issue" but he takes it to the extreme. I suppose if I wrote comic books as poorly as Scott Lobdell does, I'd expect the only people reading each subsequent issue would be new readers because who the fuck would read a second issue after wading through the crap tsunami of my horrible story? Oh, um, the reason I brought up Lobdell is because the first four pages of this comic book are more entertaining than the entire run of Doomed. Oh, sure, I've seen some people praise that comic book. But those "people" are only defined as "people" by the narrowest of margins.

Now see what I mean about being "blasted in the face by my carelessly offensive words"? Any of you morons who enjoy Lobdell's writing are now suffering from my word flak.

I may be a plebe for watching shitty television shows but at least I've never damned anybody's soul to Hell! I don't think.

After John gets his fill of sitting around his house naked and causing me to think about how I will never again sit upon somebody else's furniture, he checks his Craigslist...I mean, "Kregslist" ad to find sixty four people seem to be in need of an exorcist. When Constantine mentioned he was going to pay his rent legitimately, I thought he meant he was going to go work as a line cook for a bit. I'm not sure an advertisement on "Kregslist" to do exorcisms counts as real work. Okay, maybe it does count in the comic book world and/or Portland, Oregon, but normally I'd just assume it was a scam.

Constantine accepts a job to exorcise some demon named Gordred out of a young boy. I'm sure just using the phrase "young boy" causes all of the latent pedophiles to giggle uncontrollably after which they rush off to troll women on the internet because they view all women as protective mothers which threatens their ability to destroy youthful innocence. In other words, misogynist trolls are all pedophiles. Quid pro exacto quorum.

I should probably learn the actual Latin used as the punctuation for an argument proven demonstrably instead of just making things up. Maybe it's "sum emptor caveat"?

I hope I didn't accidentally send anybody's soul to hell after writing out all that Latin! I'm pretty sure spells only work if the caster spouts a bunch of Latin.

Constantine solves the first exorcism of sixty-four because he knows the demon inhabiting the kid. They go out for a drink and then he moves on to some other cases.

No! Keep it as a pet! Constantine, you need a raccoon pet! I need you to need a raccoon pet, you tosser!

Constantine brings a raver down off of demonic molly, clears out a Karaoke joint of unwanted dragons, finds a family whose faces were stolen, fixes Nightvale's Dog Park, and repairs a washing machine before finally winding up in Central Park to find out some important information from a gargoyle named Bartleby. I think they meet at the fountain where Death took that kid playing soccer that one time.

Bartleby points out that Constantine is going to be forced to help the city whether Constantine wants to help New York or not. I guess some Ghostbusters shit is going down and Constantine is the only one who can save New York. I suppose other magic heroes could save New York but they don't have their own comic books, do they? Lazy bastards.

I really wish Madame Xanadu would get her own book so I could publicly vent my vile hatred for her. Maybe I'll buy her old series just to rant and rave. That fucking barn owl Xanadu pisses me off so much!

John's night ends with him running into Oliver hanging around his apartment with a big bag of curry. Mmm, curry. Mmm. Mmmmmmmm. Um, I think this comic book is over now. Something came up that I need to do! So, um, Constantine decides maybe fucking Oliver won't be the worst thing in the world since he's gotten people killed so many times before, what's one more? Especially if that one more can make him wail like a banshee who is coming because it's being fucked in the ass while getting a rough, ball-slapping reach around.

Constantine the Hellblazer #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. A real comic book reviewer would explain to you why the comic book they just read is better than a lot of other comic books they tend to read. No, wait. A real comic book reviewer would, in most cases, say a bunch of nice shit about any comic book they've read, especially if it were written or drawn by a professional whom they've met and with whom they feel they have some kind of rapport. But I'm just this stupid asshole who enjoys hearing myself type. You get what I mean. So I don't know how to express why this book is so much better than...let's say...Cullen Bunn's "Lost Army." I mean, I could tell you why that comic book is crappy crap of a...well, just smear crap on a bunch of words and that pretty much describes it. What I might be getting at is that when a story forms around a well thought out character, the comic book tends to be better than when a character is made to fit within the confines of the plot. Like Cullen Bunn's "Aquaman"! That isn't an Aquaman story at all, so it doesn't work. It's also possible that I just don't like anything I've read by Cullen Bunn and so I decided to use this space to criticize his writing. Yes, that's also possible. Who knows, really? Ultimately my intent doesn't matter because the reader is so fucking important that apparently whatever the reader concludes with their tiny minds is what matters. Pshaw! I mean, unless that reader is a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! And then the Reader is more important than the Writer! Whew! I almost wrote myself into a corner there. Nice save, me!

If you enjoyed this review and want to help support me so I can keep justifying spending time doing these things, how about supporting my Patreon? If you support me, I'll try not to insult you personally. I promise I didn't just keep my fingers crossed as I typed that.

Constantine the Hellblazer #5

I'd rather kiss the huge mass of intestines than the smoker.

In a culture where everybody expresses their individuality and their personality through the products they consume, actively avoiding the consumption of specific products constitutes activism. In other words, doing nothing allows a person to participate in a movement. If a person really wants to ruffle some feathers, they are also free to express disdain via some form of social media. I suppose that's fitting since all a person has to do to be notable nowadays is to inspire or raise awareness. I often wish that I were daft and naive enough to be awed and inspired by the insipid and the mundane.

Fuck I'm in a mood. I've got a head cold because I dared to be sociable and visit family with children. Fucking children. If that wasn't bad enough, I had cookies with black frosting on them. Has anybody looked into the dangers of black frosting because it turned my poo green. Is that a feature or a side effect? Shouldn't somebody be raising awareness about black frosting and inspiring people to stop buying it?

Enough of the preamble. If I preamble any more, I'm just going to rant and rave about how people of average intelligence are destroying this country. The good thing about that rant is that nobody would be pissed off by it because everybody thinks they're of above average intelligence! Especially the stupid people!

This issue is called "Pretty Girls Make Graves" which is a great title for a movie even if I'm too stupid to understand what it means.

I'm fairly certain all of my exes were roiling masses of disembodied vengeance long before I ever slept with any of them.

Constantine is searching the Secret Magic Library of Trinity College, Cambridge, looking for a way to help Veronica return to the material world so she doesn't have to keep eating John's ghost friends. If she were human again, she wouldn't need to seek revenge against John. Plus maybe she'd be fuckgrateful?

John learns that one who has disappeared from reality in the way Veronica has--without proper planning from the very beginning--is doomed to remain in the void forever. Unless she hates or loves somebody or something strongly enough to keep her linked to reality. Veronica is linked to John by one of those and is now lashing out in confusion and killing the ghosts surrounding John. Now he must kill or cure her.

Intent is a slippery beast. Sometimes it matters; sometimes it doesn't. It depends on the observer's perspective, I suppose. I would pretend my intent was to cure because it just sounds better.

Constantine decides to go see if Georgiana Snow has removed the rabbit from out of her ass and is ready to help him out. I hope John asks how her brother Elijah is doing this time.

At first, George is all, "I can't help you, John, because I have this huge rabbit in my ass." But John is all, "If you help me, I'll never bother you again!" And then George is all, "Ta-da! First I make the rabbit disappear, and then I'll make you disappear! Let's get this over with, ya prick!"

Constantine takes George to visit their old friend Veronica who is now their new not-so-much-of-a-friend the vengeance beast. Constantine points out how they both abandoned Veronica; it wasn't just John's fault that she felt unloved and unwanted. Once Veronica chose to be with Constantine, Georgie washed her hands of her. And now they both need to finally come to their friend's aid.

George isn't able to save Veronica and so she must destroy Veronica's link to reality. Thankfully that link isn't Constantine; it's the book she used to try to displace her soul. George is forced to burn it which frees Veronica from her link to the vengeance beast.

Just another day in the life of John Constantine, and another enemy, and a whole bunch more self-loathing.

Constantine the Hellblazer #5 Rating: No change. Be assured, I know what I'm doing is meaningless. I am not here to inspire. I am not here to raise awareness. I am not here to wax rhapsodic on philosophy or ethics or the meaning(lessness) of life. I am merely entertaining myself by reading stories and writing my insipid comments on them. In a way, Constantine and I are very much alike. We are self-absorbed misanthropes who only feel close to the people we have ultimately failed because--let's face it--we never have to deal with them again and can afford the luxury of believing we once cared. If there's a way in or out of any situation, we take the easy way simply because it's easy. If a price must be paid for that later on, we simply find somebody else willing to pay that price for us and we continue on in our narcissistic self-loathing. Next to Jonah Hex, he's my favorite character!

Constantine the Hellblazer #2

I hate when I write I hate when this happens jokes.

Last issue we learned that John Constantine will do it with anything. And I don't mean males and females. I mean demons and small business owners. Ugh, can you imagine the after-doing-it conversations with either of those? "Souls are so easy to come by in this day and age that they've lost all value!" "Satan is such a gropey jerk!" "I can't afford health insurance!"

Do people have conversations with each other after doing it? I imagine I'd be too embarrassed to even acknowledge the other person's existence afterward. I would probably lie there with my eyes shut really tightly thinking, "Go away! Go away! Go away! Don't rate my performance! Please go away and never speak to me again!" I bet that's what everybody does after doing it, right?

This issue begins with Constantine drinking alone in his apartment full of ghosts. He's got a copy of the Kama Sutra and a poster of Black Canary's band on the floor. Does every character in the DCyou have to own a Black Canary poster now? And the Kama Sutra? Has anybody ever read Richard F. Burton's translation of that thing? Here's an excerpt for you:

The following women are not to be enjoyed: a leper; a lunatic; a woman turned out of caste; a woman who reveals secrets; a woman who publicly expresses desire for sexual intercourse; a woman who is extremely white; a woman who is extremely black; a bad-smelling woman; a woman who is a near relation; a woman who is a female friend; a woman who leads the life of an ascetic; and, lastly the wife of a relation, of a friend, of a learned Brahman, and of the king.

I thought the book was supposed to tell me how to have lots and lots of crazy sex! But instead it's limiting me to sex with a young, mute, slightly tanned stranger that has just taken a bath and doesn’t want to have sex with me! I guess that's why John does it with demons and small business owners.

One of John's ghost acquaintances named Frank recently died again. Meaning he died as a ghost. Meaning he doesn't exist anymore at all. The other ghosts don't want to complete their dying experience like poor Frank so they're hoping John can keep them in this state of Limbo where they get to retain some sense of self. John's idea is to become a ghostbusterbuster. He ain't afraid of no ghost's buster! But the ghosts are so they abandon him. So now John has to take the reader on a tour of the haunted places of New York tracking down more ghosts so he can use them as bait to capture the ghostbuster.

His stroll eventually leads him to this guy who is sure to be a minor character throughout the length of this series. At least he'd better be!

Mister Rumor leads John to a nice juicy paranormal Whole Foods where he finally collects enough power and souls to summon the Ghostbuster (I finally feel it's real enough for a capital letter although maybe it needs a name that won't get me sued?). John being John (which is a statement that makes more sense than it would seem), he approaches the task at hand in an off-hand, arrogant, and leisurely manner. Then he almost craps his pants when the Ghostbuster appears.

It's goal is to destroy all of the cute little haunted New England Bed and Breakfasts. Which is fine by me! Hopefully it destroys the non-haunted ones too.

The Ghostbuster busts Gaz and then leaves. But it doesn't bust him instantly. No, it allows him a few seconds to chastise Constantine for being nothing but an echo of his former human self. Which echoes Constantine's earlier bit about the ghosts being echoes of their living selves. See? It's showing how John has lost more humanity than the ghosts have lost. That must be why ghosts like to hang out with him. They don't realize he's not one of them.

John realizes he can't do this one on his own which Gaz tried to tell him but Constantine was too arrogant to listen. Now he has to go back to London to meet up with somebody named Georgie who just might have the knowledge needed to defeat the Ghostbuster.

Constantine the Hellblazer #2 Rating: No change. This book may not have the promise of unedited swears and nudity like the old Vertigo book but it does manage to have lots of edited swears and the occasional ass! So that's promising, right? What it also has is the feel of Hellblazer. This is Constantine in Constantine's world as opposed to some smoking guy who knows magic mucking about with super heroes. This is John exploring and explaining his world instead of just spouting the name of some ancient spell and explaining how it's super dangerous to cast. This Constantine has heft and density. It's viscous and meaty. The other Constantine was cotton candy. There's a lot of Narration Boxing but it works since John really needs to be the reader's tour guide. This issue builds the backdrop of New York for Constantine's journey. It doesn't rush. It just takes one step in front of the other until the reader has a better idea of the hauntedness of John's adopted city. Hopefully it just continues to build this world with more people in it like Mister Rumor.

Constantine the Hellblazer #1

I had a different caption here but I was being a whiny baby so now you have this caption and a mystery!

One night when Constantine was still a television show and the world was a wonderful place full of hope and optimism (of course gay people couldn't get married in every state then but who wouldn't give that up again to get Constantine back on the air, amirite?!), the opening credits to Constantine began playing on my television. My cat Pelafina was sitting on the floor in front of the television minding her own business when the screen filled up with all those writhing souls before the name of the show appears. As soon as she saw them, she hunkered down low to the ground and began a quick combat crawl toward the television. That moment in the credits is pretty quick and after a couple of seconds, they were gone. When they left, she straightened back up, looked around, and went back to staring at other dimensional creatures that only she can see the way cats usually do.

The New 52 Constantine was mostly a boring fuck who was constantly pining after Zatanna. He was a complete bell end. There was no real tension or sacrifice in his life. Every month he would just cast a spell which he just warned everybody was the most dangerous spell in the world and then he'd be okay. Hopefully this series will consist of John finally paying the price for all of those outrageous spells he was casting just to impress Zatanna. And maybe the Nightmare Nurse a little bit too.

This issue begins with a blood covered naked John Constantine suddenly appearing in a shop while Narration Boxing a swear word (it's bleeped out but at least it's a curse!). The title of the story is "Going Down." I think that's violating all the Comic Code Authority rules at once except for the one about no monsters. Although John's cock might count as a monster if he wasn't covering it up with his hand. Although if he can cover it up with one hand, it's probably not a monster. At least not yet.

This is a nice enough bit of introduction to explain to the reader that this isn't a super hero comic book.

James and Ming make sure Constantine's bisexuality makes an appearance on page three just in case anybody's paying attention. Sure, he says he fucked a ghost but he probably fucked Gaz when Gaz was alive so that's definitely homosexuality. And John's been known to put his pee pee in the vicinity of Zatanna's ovaries which is probably heterosexuality. Put them both together and what does that spell? I don't know. I'm drunk.

Constantine acts as his own narrator as most comic book characters do these days although he's much better at it than Roy Harper. He's actually giving the reader a feel for his life and the darkness which he thrives in. He wants those traveling with him for the next few decades (optimism!) to understand that they will be seeing terrible, horrible, awful things and to maybe not judge him so much when he barely even notices them. Not a wince. Not a dry heave. Not for good old John because he's been waist deep in demons and gore since the tail end of puberty.

Constantine ditches Gaz and the other ghosts following him for a nice curry with chips and a side of strapping young cock.

Okay, maybe the cock's not on the menu.

Now I want a curry. One time in Berlin, I had street curry. It was the best curry. Because it was on the street. Currywurst. So good. I'd probably have to go downtown to find a curry cart in Portland. And then it wouldn't be the best curry because I would be downtown in Portland. Blarf.

Oh my. I stand corrected. Look who just made the happy ending menu. Happy hour! I meant happy hour!

Constantine is perfectly right about one thing: chatting is nice. In comic books at least! Fuck actually chatting with real people! So awkward that they won't just touch my penis. I have to get to know them first? But chatting in comic books? Great! Awesome! Build some fucking character guys! Why would I care when Oliver's lungs get sucked up his throat by a demon if I'm not able to have some nice moments with him first, you know?!

John's flirtation is interrupted by a demon named Blythe. Blythe has stopped by to fuck Constantine. Blythe also needs help banishing some imps from the club Blythe runs. It's a little place called Inferno which Constantine points out is a bit on the nose because, well, it's a bit on the nose and some character had to mention it so that critics of Tynion and Doyle can't!

The club is entered from the top floor where patrons head down, down, down through all nine circles of Hell until, I suppose, they wind up in Satan's mouth? That sounds like a good time!

Blythe is an interesting character. A bit of a Desire wannabe with a love of calling John "rude." And the trip through Inferno is cutesy and well plotted. It reads a bit like a Sergio Aragonés cartoon if he were allowed color or to draw inside the margins.

Blythe walks Constantine right across the Ninth Circle (Treachery! Although no sign of Judas or Satan) and into the business partner's office where Blythe locks the door and expects John to kill the partner. See, Blythe can't collect souls or send demons to Hell or Blythe goes to Hell too. But if John sends Blythe's partner to Hell, Blythe gets to keep the Inferno Club which captures souls and sends them to Hell, factory-like, without getting Blythe's hands dirty. So John, to keep himself alive, conducts an exorcism on the partner. But he flubs the final line because, to get even with Blythe for manipulating him, he wants Blythe to jump in and finish it, thus sending a creature to Hell which means Blythe winds up back in Hell as well. Such a Hellblazer thing to do!

Constantine making friends.

John's ghosts show up on the final page where Gaz points out that Frank the Ghost is dead. Really dead. Like dead dead. Apparently you can be deader than dead because Frank is that. He's the deadest. It's a mystery to be solved by Trixie Constantine!

Constantine the Hellblazer #1 Rating: So far, so good! And one of those three words (one used twice!) I really wasn't able to use very often when describing The New 52 Constantine. It was often boring. This one at least has things happening and has John being John and has swearing and smoking and sex with demons! It also has a Constantine in a thigh high duster which is a bit weird but I guess it's modern or something? Whatever! This version of Constantine works! So far.