Batman Beyond #12

Don't worry, DC Youniverse's horrible future! Old Man Wayne is here to fix it all!

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "Wired for Death" and it's part 1 of 4. Wait. What?! Goddammit! I thought all of the current DC Comics were ending immediately! I thought I was going to be buying a few less comic books per month due to DC's new economic plan of selling less titles but more biweeklies! And now I've glanced at the solicits for August and I'm really depressed! Earth 2: Society, Teen Titans, and Doctor Fate still haven't been cancelled as of August?! I hate everybody at DC Comics.

Thankfully, I really don't mind that Batman Beyond is still going. It might not be Moby Dick (although it might also be Moby Dick since I haven't read that (mostly because I kept falling asleep and dreaming about having gay sailor sex on top of drying sheets of whale penis skin)) but it's entertaining enough to make me forget about death for a few minutes. And who can put a price on that? Well, DC can. They're charging $2.99 for it! That's a bit exorbitant since I'm fairly certain I can read this comic book in five minutes if I weren't taking the extra time to pretend to review it while actually just constantly digressing into boring anecdotes like that one about how I tried to read Moby Dick.

I feel like I skipped past this bit a little too quickly: Doctor Fate is still in the August solicits! How was this stupid fucking piece of shit comic book not cancelled months ago?! Here's the entire story of every issue: Something weird and paranormal happens. Doctor Fate thinks, "I must be dreaming!" Another weird thing happens. Doctor Fate thinks, "Am I on drugs?" Doctor Fate's neighbor tries to suck his dick. Doctor Fate thinks, "I don't have time for that!"

I don't know what's happening in this story but Old Man Bruce and Old Dog Titus (probably like Titus IV or V, actually) are in it. They're not supposed to be in it, right? Is this some kind of flashback? Probably not since it's called "Wired for Death" and the last issue ended with Rewire twiddling his fingers and going, "Nyuck nyuck nyuck!" Or something more sinister than that. I mean, I guess this can be a flashback. It's probably Barbara remembering the moment Terry put Rewire into Bruce's computer. Because in the present, Tim is probably accessing Bruce's computer to read about Rewire. So maybe that is the original Titus! Dogs can live thirty years, right? If you truly love them!

Oh. It's only Ace. Now I'm sad about dead Titus. And Batcow. And Alfred Pennyworth the Cat.

In Barbara's memory, she talks about Tim Drake with Terry McGinnis. She points out that Tim was so fucking smart that he realized Batman and Bruce Wayne were the same person. Please! The only thing that proves is that the rest of the DC Youniverse is so stupid they couldn't figure it out. I don't mind believing that nobody can figure out Bruce is Batman or Clark is Superman for some reason. Fine! But don't go and blow the whole illusion by pretending that if somebody figures it out, they're somehow a genius! That's just bringing attention to the whole stupid barely secret secret identity thing! Also, just for the record, Tim didn't figure it out in The New 52. Oh, sure, Scott Lobdell rewrote the story so that Tim was only pretending not to have guessed so he wouldn't hurt Bruce's feelings. But that was just Lobdell doing that thing Lobdell does where he writes a story that gets criticism and then shouts, "Wait! Wait! You can't have an adverse opinion until you see the end of the story!" Then he pretends he didn't end the story and goes back to revisit the thing he did poorly and changes it so that he can say, "See, you dumb dumb idiot morons?! I was totally doing the thing you wanted but you were just too impatient! So stupid."

The story returns to the present (future? Whichever one has old Babs with grey hair) where Tim is investigating a break-in at STAR Labs! I bet it's Rewire! Rewire is almost a palindrome if you hit your head against the wall five times fast and then look at it.

Commissioner Babs is Batman Beyond's Penny-One and Jim Gordon. Hmm. I wonder which one Batman was fucking? Oh wait! Tim isn't fucking Babs yet! Or maybe ever. She is kind of old. Not that there's anything wrong with an old woman fucking a young buck like Tim Drake! But there probably is something wrong with Tim Drake fucking an old mare like Babs! If that was sexist, strike and reverse it! Or just let them fuck like I first fantasized, you judgmental asshole!

Batman Beyond catches Rewire stealing from STAR Labs and accuses him of a murder from Issue #7. Rewire is all, "I'm not going down for something I didn't do!" Well then, how about you just go down for breaking into STAR Labs? Is that good enough?

Rewire kicks Batman Beyond's ass while using lots of future slang. I now know I hate future slang even worse than present slang. Probably because it's made up by adults trying to envision slang of the future rather than organically made up by the youth. Not that the youth come up with stuff that's much better. I wish we'd just go back to saying "Bee's knees" and "Cat's pajamas!"

Tim drowns at the end of the battle although I doubt it's for keepsies since this story is Part 1 of 4. The final page doesn't reveal the bad guy behind Rewire but it does show that Rewire will die if he doesn't keep getting boosts of energy. That's why he can't go to Blackgate! They don't have any outlets.

I don't know why but I don't totally hate this comic book. I feel like I should hate it but I don't. Maybe I have the flu.