Harley Quinn and Her Gang of Harleys #6

Ending time! One last call for alcohol because I can't read this book without any!

The Review!
Observation: Christians won't let go of any proclamations in The Bible that are against homosexuality. But even though the rainbow is a sign of the covenant with God that he won't destroy the world ever again (at least not by flood! Technicality!), they fucking abandon that shit as fast as they realized it was a symbol of gay pride.

I only mention that observation because the cover had a rainbow on it and I like to needle religious types whenever I can and because typing the observation was time spent not reading Harley Quinn and Her Gang of Harleys. It wasn't much of a reprieve but it was enjoyable while it lasted. Now it's time to read this shit. Although it might be kind of enjoyable since the whole way through it, I'll be able to think, "Only 20 pages left!" And then "Only 19 pages left!" And then...you probably already see the pattern so I'll spare you the rest.

Harley Quinn decides she doesn't want to kill Harley Sinn because Harley Sinn has mental and emotional problems and just needs help. But she doesn't mind killing all of the mercenaries Harley Sinn hired. I guess if somebody is willing to accept money to kill somebody, it means they're mentally competent enough to die. But the person who hired them? That's a totally different story because look at how Frank and Jimmy aren't just having Harley punish the crazy person! I mean, I'm sure some of the mercs were crazy too but they don't count for some reason. Probably because the writers didn't spend any time on any of their back stories so that the reader could possibly empathize with any of them.

Harley Quinn offers to get Harley Sinn help if Harley Sinn loses in a one on one fight against Harley Quinn. But if Harley Sinn wins, she doesn't get help; she gets a job. Which seems like an odd deal. Why not just offer to get her help if she cares so much?

Harley Sinn loses or double loses or cheats or something. Anyway, Harley Quinn tries to make sure she winds up in a place that can help her but she winds up in Arkham Asylum instead where The Joker begins hitting on her. Apparently it's supposed to be a big surprise that it's the Joker talking to Harley Sinn because the reveal isn't until the last page where The Joker finishes the "You may know me as..." statement made on the previous page with "THE JOKER!" Why even bother? Everybody knew it was The Joker anyway! And if they didn't know immediately, they probably knew from the font used. And if they didn't know from that, they probably knew when he called Harley his ex-girlfriend. And if they didn't know from that, well, yeah...I guess it was a great reveal! Then the series ends with a "End...for now" tag and I vomit all over everything and more.

I hate Harley Sinn and this entire comic book and I'm going to need trigger warnings for anything that uses the phrase "Frank Tieri" from now on.

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #5

The palm tree and coconuts as penis and testicles was so hilarious that it needed to be stuck on the cover for added hilarity.

The Things!
• Don't fucking bring me down today, Internet! I'll fucking kick you!

• Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys isn't over yet so I guess I'll say a few things about it before completely forgetting every single thing I said about it and every single thing I read in it and, in a few months, that it was ever even a thing.

• The issue begins with Harley Sinn whining about her shitty childhood. Not that her childhood was shitty. But she made it shitty because she insisted on her parents paying attention to her. Such weakness! I wish I was raised by maids, cooks, and butlers!

• Harley Sinn's father is named Dick Brand. I guess he's a caricature of Donald Trump but that doesn't matter because the story isn't actually saying anything. He was just a rich guy that didn't love his wife and neglected his daughter. Except for the rich part, that could describe all the fathers!

• The Gang of Harleys are fighting robots so Frank Tieri has Big Tony mention the Terminator and Linda Hamilton. Because 80% of Frank Tieri's writing is just references to pop culture.

• Harley Sinn's sob story continues. I don't give a shit about her.

• To defeat the robots, the Gang of Harleys lead them through the Eggy Minefield. The mines all blow up on the robots and destroy them even though two of the three robots were flying.

• Harley Sinn falls in love with her new step-sister which isn't gross at all. It's totally normal. Weren't all the Brady Kids fucking around with each other too?

• The Gang of Harleys eventually find Harley Quinn stuck up a tree with Mutant Goats trying to eat her. So Harvey uses one of Robot Power Girl's boob rockets to kill them all.

Ha ha! I get it! Feeding time! Because it's a boob! And boobs feed kids! And young goats are kids!

After being rescued, Harley Quinn decides to stay on the island so she can kick Harley Sinn's ass. But Harley Sinn has hired a bunch of mercenaries to chase down Harley Quinn and kill her! Actually, she didn't hire them at all. She decided to hold a contest with a single prize payout. So she's really just wasting most of their time. Why would they even apply for this job when 99% of the people hired aren't going to get paid? Harley Sinn really is her father's daughter.

Final Thoughts!
This comic book wasn't too good to begin with and it's just getting worse. Once again, DC Comics decides to make a mini-series six issues because that's the proper length of a trade paperback instead of allowing this series to be over in four issues since that's all the story that's really here. I wonder if DC was hoping Harley Sinn would become their next huge hit? I bet whoever thought of her walked into a pitch meeting and said, "Imagine this: Harley Quinn crossed with Lobo!" Then everybody's eyeballs turned into dollar signs. I hope she's completely forgotten after this series ends. She's terrible and her origin is terrible and I'm tired of reading Harley Quinn comic books!

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #4

Whenever this comic book gets to the top of the stack, I seem to take a day off.

The Review!
I hate the phrases "meh" and "it is what it is" because they're used to say, "I don't even think enough of whatever is happening to put any coherent thought into thinking about it." But, well, here's my review of Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #4: "It is what...no! I can't do it! I can't even do it as a joke! God help me I can't do it!"

The Commentary!
The issue begins with Hannah Borgman battling a Chuck Norris Waiter in Sy Borgman's hotel room. I don't remember if that's where the last issue left off or not. The only thing I remember about the last issue was that Tieri used "whomever" when he should have used "whoever" and Bolly Quinn's parents serve mint chocolate chip ice cream at their Indian restaurant. That's my fault though because I haven't been paying this comic book the respect it would deserve if all comic books deserved respect which they don't and this is one of them. It's not bad in the way Grifter was bad back when Grifter was somehow thought of as a publishable comic book. It might even be entertaining to somebody just wanting to sit down and relax after a hard day of human trafficking or gun running. But to a discerning, intelligent person like I pretend to be, it's just not up to my high standards. Technically, no DC Comics book is up to my high standards. But I figure if I were reviewing Heavy Metal, I'd basically be running a porn site.

Oh, my standards aren't high because they're pretentiously academic! They're high because they insist on some lesbian action! And not any old lesbian action! I need the male gaze kind of lesbian action where you can imagine the two women having sex have to keep stopping and asking, "Am I doing this right? Is this where my tongue is supposed to go?" Oh yeah! That's some hot stuff!

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys probably should be that kind of comic book. I mean, it is being written by two white males who I'm also fairly certain are heterosexual since Jimmy is married to Amanda and Frank Tieri once wrote a script where one character tried to humiliate another by putting gay porn in his backpack. And you don't write that scene unless you're a jerk heterosexual or a self-hating homosexual. So, well, you know. Maybe I'm wrong about Frank.

That wasn't meant to be read as me trying to humiliate Frank for being gay! That was just me admitting that I might possibly be wrong in one of my assumptions. And me admitting I might be wrong happens far less than me actually being wrong! So, you know, enjoy the moment!

The Chuck Norris Waiter battling Hannah says, "You've got heart, kid. I'll give you that. Shame I gotta cut it out now." Too bad this isn't the original script because I bet it would have Frank Tieri's semen all over it as he knocked out a congratulatory wank for thinking up such a cool action line. But even better, Hannah gets to say a line about the real shame that takes about ten seconds which goes along with her kicking a suitcase into the feet of Chuck Norris Waiter which takes about half a second. Now that's the real shame! How comic book dialogue never works with the timing of the action. Also, nobody ever seems to be out of breath after a fight even though they jabber incessantly through the entire thing.

Hannah gets sliced open in the fight and Chuck Norris Waiter gets knocked off the balcony. He'll probably be back because everybody knows people falling off of hotel balconies wind up landing in the pool. And Hannah will almost certainly be okay because the violence in Harley Quinn comic books is cartoon violence. The only people who die are the ones who never mattered anyway or whose deaths simply serve to move the plot along swiftly and in the right direction.

The scene changes to Harley Quinn waking up on a deserted island that's also a dick gag.

See? The testicles are the cocoNUTS! This comic book has the most sophisticated penis humor.

Harley Quinn decides to make some Jaws references because Frank Tieri is writing this book and he loves movie references! He can't get enough of them! I guess if you can't write the character you're supposed to be writing, you might as well just write the kinds of things you want to talk about. Although I wouldn't put it past Harley to be obsessed with Jaws. I accidentally typed Jawas at first and of course the internet is full of Jawas movie posters parodying the Jaws poster. That'll do, Internet. That'll do.

Harley discovers she's actually in a simulation chamber run by Harley Sinn and not on an island at all. Harley Sinn is able to change Harley's world and outfit on a whim. She'll probably end this scene by saying, "Ain't I a stinker?"

Also, Harley really is on a deserted island! I mean, it's deserted by everybody but Harley Sinn who has made it into her evil headquarters. Her Castle Harleyskull has a volcano and robot sharks and corpses on spikes and the simulation chamber. She's either so rich that she can pursue anything she wants (which is to have Harley Quinn as a friend, apparently) or she took out a loan from The Ninth Circle. Now she needs Harley on her team so they can go on a crime spree to pay back the interest on The Ninth Circle loan. Or she'll get lucky and Green Arrow will destroy The Ninth Circle and nobody will have to pay back their loans and all the villains will suddenly find they're debt gone leaving them no reason to continue to be criminals. Green Arrow might just save the world!

The Gang of Harleys track down Harley Sinn's father, Dick Brand, who is a rich guy that totally isn't a caricature of some actual rich guy. So that's where Harley Sinn gets all of her money. Dick Brand decides to help the Gang of Harleys because he's tired of throwing money at his daughter to make her go away. So he draws them a map to her secret island headquarters and they're off to save Harley Quinn. Although there are still two issues left so it won't be quick and easy. Darn it.

The Gang of Harleys encounter some typical evil mastermind traps and evade them. They even encounter explosives shaped like Eggy but nobody even makes an eggsplosive joke! Was I supposed to just assume that was the joke? Stupid subtlety! Eventually they encounter robot versions of Poison Ivy, Catwoman, and Power Girl. So they're probably going to be defeated by robots. Good thing Harley is escaping on her own.

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #3

This comic book was created to increase the number of half-naked cosplayers at Comic Con.

The Review!
Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys is a comic book about Harley Quinn's Gang of Harleys. They all dress in variations of Harley's outfit but are a more diverse group of characters than just white bisexual female clowns. It might be a good comic book for representation if it wasn't being written by Frank Tieri and Jimmy Palmiotti. I haven't done the research but I'm going to assume they're both white heterosexual males. I think this comic book is suppose to be funny but it's just annoying and I'm still going to read it through Issue #6 because I guess I hate myself.

The Visual Commentary!

Because this is all I have the patience for with this Gang of Harley shit.

"Whoever."

Why is there Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream in the freezer of an Indian restaurant?

Harley Quinn and Her Gang of Harleys #2

Awesome! Tickle fetish comic book! Where's my dick?!

The Review or Whatever!
I have jury duty Monday and Tuesday and many other days if they actually choose me for a jury. I don't imagine I'm good jury material though. I'm fairly certain most lawyers, prosecutors and defendants don't really want a cynical bastard who doesn't give a shit about anything except staying alive another miserable fucking day being placed on their jury. Should I tell them outright that if I'm on the jury, I will be rolling my eyes every few sentences and constantly making jerk-off hand motions as people give testimony? Or should I just let everybody be surprised by that? I hope they ask me how I feel about police because I've got a prepared statement for that one! They don't mind people clearing their throats and pulling a ream of crumpled papers out of their pocket to read, right? Do they ask jurors to swear on a Bible for anything? Do courts still do that? How does that keep people from lying? Is the fear of an imaginary underworld full of torture and monsters supposed to keep people from lying in a courtroom that, if there were a God, God would not give two shits about? Human law? What the fuck does God care if somebody lies in a human court of human law?! You think he cares about rational human laws? Have you read Deuteronomy?!

This issue begins with Harley about to get raped by a thug while tied to a chair. Okay, okay. Nobody actually mentions rape. Some dialogue is added so the creep actually says he wants to knock some of her teeth out. But the vibe is implicitly rapey and he approaches Harley with his hand on his belt. And then, of course, there's this panel:

I had to check the cover after this scene to make sure this comic wasn't called Gang Rape of Harleys.

Of course, the point of this scene is for this guy to get his comeuppance for being a sexual predator (or a tooth-knocking out predator, if you're into literal readings of words and not the sly wink-wink reading between the lines thing). Harley Sinn (Ugh. Typing that is my Vietnam) makes sure to stop the violence before it gets started. Harley Sinn is the person who kidnapped Harley Quinn because even anti-heroes need to battle reflections of themselves on occasion. Harley Sinn also might need to find a costume that actually fits her.

Whoops! I think her labia majora is showing!

Harley Quinn believes she recognizes Harley Sinn. She was probably one of the candidates for the gang who didn't make the cut. If this were two years ago, I'd probably dig through my short boxes to find the interview issues but I just don't have that kind of passion any more. I'd figure out exactly who Harley Sinn was and then constantly remind people how I guessed who it was immediately. Maybe I should demote myself from Grandmaster Comic Book Reader if I'm not willing to put in the work?!

Maybe Harley Sinn is the candidate who I wrote "had sores all over her body and is obsessed with death"? Or perhaps it's the one that I described as being able to lick her own asshole? It's also possible she's the podcaster because we all know how demented podcasters are.

Harley Sinn's gang of sex clowns is called the Sinn-dicate. That's so clever that I'm retiring from the being clever business! See how not clever that statement was? Because I'm retired!

If you weren't entertained by the near rape scene at the beginning of the comic book, perhaps you'll enjoy the near gay bashing a few pages later? A bunch of bikers harass Harvey Quinn as he walks by. Why would Frank and Jimmy want to portray bikers as homophobes? That's an awful stereotype! #NotAllBikers.

Harvey beats up the bikers but not because they were slinging insults at him. He beats them up because one of them shoves an old lady down. Now that's more like the bikers I know!

For some reason, Harley Sinn calls off the hits on all of the Harley Gang just in the nick of time! She saves their lives! I mean, sure, after she put their lives in danger. I'm not sure if that counts or not.

If you weren't entertained by the near gay bashing, perhaps you'll enjoy the racist bit where a bunch of youths are assumed to be muggers simply because of the way they look? Oh wait! I guess that bit is a commentary on how bigots jump to the worst conclusion of people based on superficial reasons. And I guess the gay bashing scene was a commentary on how gay bashing is bad. And I guess the near rape scene was a commentary on how rape is wrong. So I guess this is an entertaining comic book after all! And it has lessons to learn! We now know that stereotyping, gay bashing, and rape are things that only jerks do! Thank you, comic book! I'm a better human being already!

Instead of the Harleys all being killed by individual assassins because one of the assassins was killed trying to rape Harley, Harley Sinn waits until they all meet up at Bolly Quinn's family restaurant. Then she has Edna Sinn blow up the restaurant with a rocket launcher. Oh great. So now I'm supposed to believe firing rocket launchers into restaurants is bad too, right?! Sheesh. Whatever. Stupid morality tale.

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #1

This "3D" cover is all fucked up.

The Review!
I was prepared to be super duper bored by yet another typical Harley book when I picked this book up. Which I was! So it's a good thing I was prepared for it! No, no! That was a dumb joke! I actually kind of enjoyed this issue because it's got a bit of a real, if a bit trite and cliche, plot behind it! And the Harleys all look super sexy which goes a long way to keeping me interested. Plus you'll never guess the risque nature of one of the jokes about Harley Quinn and Bernie, her burnt beaver! Oh my! It's so delicious! Some of that was sarcasm because I don't think you're actually so stupid that you couldn't guess what the risque nature of the joke might be. Anyway, as far as Harley books go, this one was better than average. So there. Take that compliment, Frank Tieri, and shove it up your ass! Or put it wherever you enjoy putting your compliments. I probably shouldn't assume that you're into butt stuff.

The Commentary!
I put this comic book on the bottom of the stack the week it came out because I'm sick to death of Harley Quinn. It's also possible I'm sick to death of comic books. It's more than probable I'm sick to death of life. Being a cynical bastard isn't all it's cracked up to be. I would like to take joy in things! I want to once again feel wonder! I want to be dwarfed by the majesty of creation! Instead, I'm stuck in a constant state of eye rolling, jerk-off hand motions, and growling. I'm slowly drifting further and further away from all contact with other humans. What's the point? Maybe if other people were as entertaining as me, I'd seek out their company! But instead they're all just a bunch of bores who think I'm an asshole because I sometimes run around the street yelling, "Gi'bert! Gi'bert! Find me!" Why would anybody be upset about me actually squeezing the slightest bit of joy out of something?!

I wonder if alcohol is the answer! I sometimes think about doing LSD again but I imagine doing LSD at 44 is just asking to spend twelve hours contemplating my eventual demise. Taking LSD when I was young and immortal were some of the best times of my life. I imagine taking LSD now when I'm over halfway through life's labyrinth will just wind up with me constantly hearing snorting and huffing and the shuffling of hooves somewhere behind me as I start and look over my shoulder and scream, "WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT'S COMING FOR ME?! PLEASE LET JESUS BE REAL!"

For now, I suppose I can only hope that Frank Tieri completely shits his pants on this script. Pouncing on a writer's mistakes and discussing nonsensical plot points might be the last thing that truly makes me happy. Although reading really good writing also makes me happy! Perhaps I should take it as a sign that I found a copy of Catch-22 on the street while walking to the comic book store last week. It's been a long while since I've read it and it's one of my top five favorite books. Maybe I should reread One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest as well. Maybe I should reread all of my top five favorite books! Although rereading House of Leaves may have a similar result to dropping acid at this stage in my life.

My Usual Top Five Favorite Novels (in no particular order (list subject to change depending on if I'm trying to get laid or not)).
1. Catch-22
2. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
3. House of Leaves
4. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There
5. The Grapes of Wrath

I don't need to list the authors because duh! Stop being stupid. Also you're on the Internet if you don't know. Take advantage of it.

I once saw Ken Kesey perform his weird Wizard of Oz slash Earth Day play at San Jose State. It was a huge clusterfuck that never seemed to end. The best part was when my friend Aaron Voorhees waddled across the front of the stage with his pants and underwear around his ankles. I don't think that part was in the script though.

So none of that had to do with Harley Quinn, probably because I'm not that interested in reading this comic book. But as an adult, I've learned that sometimes I have to do things I don't really want to do. So I'm going to have to suck it up and read this fucking comic book! Although if that's the worst thing I have to do as an adult, maybe I haven't actually learned anything about being an adult.

Christ, Tieri! This is a fucking comic book! Not a...whatever you call a book with too many words in it! A wordopedia, I guess!

I think the Gang is supposed to be diverse and not racist. But it's hard to tell when you're a cynical bastard that can't just appreciate things for what they're supposed to be. So instead of reading about Harlem Harley and thinking, "Oh yeah! Bad ass bitch knows shit!", I read, "Oh? So she's too smart for a black neighborhood, hunh? Harlem is 'inhibiting' her with all of its constrictive black urban culture, is it? It's one thing to say somebody was bored out of their mind because they were so smart if they were living in a small town full of redneck farmers because everybody knows they're dumb as shit (even if it isn't true. At least it's acceptable to say!). But how can you say, 'She was a brilliant young black woman who was too smart to be living with all of those other black people who were just dragging her down?!' So racist!" It's also quite possible (although improbable because I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader) that my cynicism is more racist than the actual text that sent me off on a rant because I thought it was racist.

Oh, and Bolly Quinn's parents own a restaurant? Really? Is that all Indian immigrants are capable of?! I wish it were because I, for one, would certainly enjoy having a lot more authentic Indian restaurants closer to my home. And of course Bolly Quinn is spiritual because she's obviously Hindu and how can you not enjoy being spiritual when you have monkey and elephant gods and a god who can't stop eating butter? I may be an atheist but sign me up for some of that action! Not to mention they have female gods who generally go around topless. Can you imagine if Jesus had been a woman? I might have been more interested in church if that were the crucifix hanging on every wall.

Harvey Quinn's motto is "Be who you want to be" although I suspect there are some caveats to that. Like don't be a dick even if you really want to be a dick. And being a gay basher is right out even if it's the only fulfilling thing in your life. And probably don't be a sexist even if sexists have some of the funniest jokes. And definitely don't be a prejudiced scumbag because nobody likes to be around their dick grandson who can't stop going on about the Jews.

I think Harley Quinn's tits have gotten bigger since last issue. Eee! Is there something Harley wants to tell us?!

The story begins with the Gang of Harleys beating up on the Hipster Mafia. Oh please. As if a Hipster would ever be seen trying to accomplish something. Where does a Hipster Mafia get its muscle? From lifting cans of Pabst and Rainier? The men the Harleys are beating up aren't skinny enough to be hipsters. Although what's a hipster, really? Is a hipster merely a scenester trying to make themselves into the cool scene? I think it's just a label that many people want to fall under but don't want to admit to because admitting to being a hipster means you're not being your authentic self and actually just following somebody else's trends. One thing I do know, if you want to vomit, you might just want to read the top definition of hipster in the Urban Dictionary. Holy shit, the person who wrote that entry doth protest too much! Or something. Did I use that quote right? I bet if I were a hipster, I would know! According to that definition, they're the smartest and bestest at everything! I didn't realize how much we all depended on them!

Harley defeats the Hipster Mafia by poisoning one with milk and threatening the others. I didn't realize milk was to hipsters as garlic is to vampires. Of course, I'm still just confused by what a hipster is. That Urban Dictionary definition really didn't help. I think a hipster is just anybody you find annoying.

Harley gets kidnapped after the battle and after accusing her teammates of trying too hard to be like Harley, even though Harley is the one who gave them all Harley-themed names. The kidnapping is just a big fake-out to get the Gang of Harleys to prove themselves.

Obligatory beaver joke. Also, remember how her rooster's name is Mike! Ha ha!

But wait! There's a big twist where the fake kidnapping becomes a real kidnapping! And then the new and real kidnapper reveals herself as...no. NO! I can't bring myself to say it. It's too stupid to mention. I'm going to go drink some Clorox drain cleaner now so I can forget that I ever read it. Is drinking Clorox good for forgetting things? I forget.