Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #2 (Third Week of December, 2017)

E!TACT! #2
Detective Comics, Justice League of America, Suicide Squad, Action Comics, and Other Assorted Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

Batman Detective Comics #970
by Tynion IV, Bennett, Regla, Loerzer, Jaime, and Wright

I only included the "Batman" part of the title because it's right there on the cover even though Batman is hardly ever in this comic book anymore. Now, I don't mind Batman not being in Detective Comics. But if they're going to stick "Batman" right on the title, I sort of expect him to be a major player. In reality, they should replace "Batman" with "Tumblr's" because Tynion IV seems to be writing this comic book to a quite specific audience.

Following that statement, I feel I need to add this paragraph that doesn't actually need to exist. But people have forgotten that they don't need to exist in a constant state of defensiveness (like the one I'm in right now which is causing me to write this paragraph to defend against the people in a constant state of defensiveness (it's like our current ability to engage in any kind of social dialogue has become a monstrous Ouroboros)). But being that we're all constantly feeling attacked, I can understand that a simple statement of observed reality (such as "Tynion IV is writing to a Tumblr audience") can be construed as judgment. Believe me, I'm not judging the book on its content. By all means, let Detective Comics be about the younger generation trying to fix the older generation's mistakes while uplifting minority viewpoints and calling out bullshit like authoritarianism and ableist memes extant within Batman (and other comic book) tropes. But please, at the very least, make it fucking interesting! It just seems like Tynion IV is incapable of that last bit.

This comic book is simply boring. I suppose if you can't get enough of the Tim Drake/Stephanie Cluemeister drama, you've probably rubbed this comic book against your genitals a half dozen times since it came out. But for those of us who want a compelling story that doesn't rely on the old mainstay of "Batman is bad and everybody thinks so" crutches, it's disappointing. If you want moving and entertaining stories that include all that "Tumblr audience" stuff that everybody probably believes I'm rebelling against because I wrote that line that caused me to write that other paragraph and they're never going to believe the other paragraph over their initial reaction to that one line, tune in to Brooklyn 99 or watch Master of None on Netflix. The writers of those shows are giving us a glimpse into the future. Whenever people complain of a piece of pop culture pandering to a certain audience, it's usually because they're having a difficult time dealing with the transitional phase between "shows with all white and/or male concerns" and "shows that take all perspectives into account." And that response is only amplified when the writing is terrible (or even mediocre. Like in Detective Comics). But the writers of Brooklyn 99 and Master of None (and I'm sure many other shows that I either haven't seen or aren't thinking about right now) develop shows that seem to exist in the post-transitional realm. These are shows that exemplify how stories can exist in a realm where all kinds of people exist. And they do it naturally because that world is just fucking natural (at least to the people living in the bubbles which aren't actually the anomaly bubbles but the bubbles of exemplary social conditions). I'm certain stodgy people who often find themselves saying things like "I'm not [insert difference]-ist!" probably couldn't sit through those shows either. But fucking hell what I wouldn't give for James Tynion IV to write something even half as good as those shows. I might be up for his Detective Comics at that point.

As a final aside (because I mentioned Brooklyn 99), I wanted to mention how I've been rewatching Deadwood and there's that part where Wild Bill is helping Bullock and Star build their shop when two guys stop by to talk to Bill. As I was watching the first guy critique Wild Bill's acting ability, I yelled out, "It's Hitchcock!" I'm so happy that Hitchcock lived in Deadwood and that he didn't seem too far off from his modern version.

As for the story itself, I suppose I could try to push my way past my own boredom to see what Tynion is trying to do. He seems to be examining the problems of Batman as an authoritarian forcing his own beliefs upon not only the social system he feels somehow responsible for but for the "family" he's taken under his wing as well. He is, literally, the Patriarch and Tynion's stories so far have been to expose his weaknesses and failings. Just because he's a white male of the previous generation, it doesn't mean he knows everything and it doesn't make everything he does okay. As a white male of the current generation, Tim Drake is struggling not to fall into the same patterns of patriarchal abuse of the system. He wants to do things differently but he's been failing because his need to control everything mirrors Batman's way exactly. But it isn't just Batman's authoritarian technique that's the main problem.

Enter Anarky. Here, we have another white male who knows best how things should be. It's the complete opposite of the way Batman wants to control Gotham but it's still just another white guy telling everybody how they should live their lives. Caught between these two men (Red Robin and Anarky) is Steph. Not only is she struggling with these two men telling her how she should be, she's also living under the shadow of her supervillain father. She has tried to find her own sense of agency by rebelling against her dad's ways (as we saw in the interminable Batman Eternal) only to later lose that agency in her relationship with Tim (who is so smart, how can he not constantly tell her what to do?!). Rebelling against Batman and the others when Tim seems to have died, she manages to find herself in Anarky's clutches. Eventually Steph will realize that these men never fucking listen to her and she'll figure out her own thing. Maybe. It's hard to hope that it will happen because she's been lost for so long.

The B Story between Cassie and Clayface is more compelling but it's hard to get emotionally invested when Cassie is reduced to speaking in her pidgin language.

The C Story about Kate dealing with her father and Batman I mostly already discussed in that part about Steph, Red Robin, and Anarky. Just replace all the proper nouns.

As for the Victim Syndicate and the city turning on Batman (can I call it "turning on Batman" when they always seem to hate him all the time now anyway?), I'd rather not write about it because I'll hurt my neck falling asleep at the keyboard.

Justice League of America #20

By Orlando, Petrus, and Hi-fi

I haven't mentioned this in quite some time but did y'all know Lobo was in this book? He's right on the cover this issue so I can't imagine anybody passed it by on the shelves. The most typical reaction was probably "HOLY FUCK! A COMIC BOOK WITH LOBO?! I JUST RUINED MY UNDERWEAR IN A SEX WAY, THE SPECIFIC WAY BEING DEPENDENT ON THE GENITALIA INSIDE MY PANTS! EITHER WAY, I'M NOW ALL GOOEY! I THINK. WOMEN GOO TOO, RIGHT?! I HAVE TOO HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH A WOMAN!" That might not have been the most typical reaction unless you're also a closeted virgin who shouts crazy shit in the middle of your comic book shop.

This issue ends another story arc about a villain attacking a super group directly instead of the super group stopping a super villain from doing harm. I suppose Prometheus's plan was to turn everybody against the Justice League of America. And, I suppose as well, attacking a super group and endangering regular people during the attack is a good way to enact that plan. But Prometheus fucks up because this Justice League of America, from the beginning, has stated that they're the Everyperson's Justice League (at least Every Person from America, I guess)! So the civilians don't buy it (even though it seemed like they were buying it last issue) and they help the Justice League to save the day. Because ordinary people are strong as hell!

The story concludes with Lobo exposing Killer Frost's murder of a Null soldier in the last story arc. Instead of everybody going, "Wait. Why are we judging Frost when the person who got us to judge Frost is a well known genocider?! Why are we letting him off the hook?! I guess until he murders his first person while being part of the team, everything is peachy?", they go, "Oh no! Killer Frost! You've completely messed up your life and it's probably our fault for trusting you!" Killer Frost responds by saying, "No, no. It's my fault. Don't everybody get all up in my face with hugs and compassion. I'll take responsibility for my actions and ruin my life to prove that I'm remorseful." And then the JLA goes, "Whew. I can't wait until she's gone so I can stop feeling bad about myself."

The epilogue begins another story about a villain whose only plan is to attack a superhero (this time, it's The Ray's turn). Remember when villains didn't want to come into conflict with heroes?! I mean, I think there was a day like that. It's hard to say when people like The Riddler were constantly leaving clues so that Batman would eventually find him and punch him near to death. That's a fucking weird fetish, Riddler. But, you know, at least The Riddler wasn't just walking up to the Batcave, ringing the doorbell and calling Batman a cunt to his face when he answered. Like all these other villains do these days.

Suicide Squad #31

by Williams, Bagenda, Leisten, and Lucas

Ha ha ha! Hoo boy. That's some hilarious Narration Boxing from Harley Quinn. I don't think anybody has really died in the Squad since New 52 Suicide Squad #18 when Yo Yo was killed. Unless it was when Light was killed? I mean Lime. No wait. That was definitely earlier. Anyway, the people who have died in this comic book recently haven't really. Captain Boomerang. Reverse Flash. Even Rick Flag is simply in the Phantom Zone! I suppose it's good that Harley was the team member to have this thought because she's crazy. She might actually think there's been an extra person on each mission who has died.

Rick Flag Senior Senior dies this issue. I mean, he shouldn't die since he's in The Phantom Zone where time doesn't work. But he dies anyway. Maybe because he's simply in the foyer of The Phantom Zone? Anyway, his death doesn't matter because who the fuck cares about the Suicide Squad from two or three generations ago?! The only one that matters is the one from one or two generations ago! Shit, this one I'm reading now barely matters more than the original one I've never cared about.

Next issue, the Suicide Squad have to run down Karin who is driving a space station into the sun. So I guess the mission isn't an emergency or anything. It'll take her a few months to get there. And I'm sure the Squad has a faster ship than a fucking ginormous space station. Although does size matter in space? Since there's no atmospheric friction, does something being bigger help it to accelerate faster? I never claimed to be a scientist! Or smart even!

Action Comics #993

by Jurgens, Prado, and Hi-fi

Last issue, Dan Jurgens found a way to, once again, bring Booster Gold back into the DC Universe. How much extra money does Dan Jurgens get whenever Booster Gold appears in a comic book? Do "Created by" credits come with a monetary reward?

Last issue, Superman used The Flash's Cosmic Treadmill to go back in time so he could observe Krypton's destruction. I guess the Cosmic Treadmill also allows the user to travel through space? Or did Superman do that separately? Did he account for the amount of time it would take him to fly from Earth to Krypton before running back in time? I only ask that question because we all know Superman isn't as smart as Batman. He might not even be as smart as Hawkman.

I actually feel bad for saying that. I can't believe I'm about to apologize to a fictional character. I'm sorry, Superman. Nobody is as dumb as Hawkman. Except maybe Green Arrow. Although that's only in a figurative sense. And since I'm now speaking figuratively, I should probably point out that Aquaman is pretty dumb too.

Booster Gold joins Superman on a Krypton from an Elseworld's book (or should I say Elsewhen book?! Ha ha! Time travel humor that I totally didn't steal from this issue's Booster Gold since I actually stole it from the one person in every time travel movie who has to say, in response to "Where are we?", "Don't you mean . . . when are we?!"). The main difference on this Krypton is that  Zod and Jor-el are the best of friends. Like super best friends. It's so different and weird! How do writers come up with this stuff?!

Things get crazy on Krypton before Booster Gold ends the comic book by dropping the shoe off the other foot: he reminds Superman that he's powerless on Krypton! Oh man! What a jaw dropping last line! What a crazy twist reveal! I most definitely was not ardently screaming at the comic book the entire time I was reading it about how Superman would be powerless on Krypton so why was he being so stupid going back there and also this whole thing has reminded me of Scott Lobdell's Superman time travel to Krypton barf party so I might be a little bit crazy right now and have forgotten how to put together an understandable sentence. What I'm saying is: what a twist!

Other Assorted Bullshit

I still have a few comics that I'll probably read but that's quite fucking enough already, right? I've already passed my total word count record from the first issue: 2465 words. Is that a lot of words? That's probably two thousand, four hundred, and fifty words past TL;DR.

Judging by my weekly schedule of doing the things I need to do to maintain my existence, this newsletter will most likely go out on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. So I've narrowed it down to less than half the possible days of the week!

If you have the inclination, I believe you can reply directly to these Newsletters and I'll get them. I'll respond to all replies that don't make me think "I don't have time for these stupid questions that I was told don't actually exist but they fucking do! They totally fucking exist! Just like monsters! And drunk fathers who abandon their children to the harsh verities of existence?! Why didn't anybody tell me the truth as a child?!" So join the conversation! And if you want to converse with other followers of this Newsletter, let me know if it's okay to publish your email and a name you'd like to be called that isn't "Fucking degenerate."

Deathstork #18

I could totally have done a decent job Photoshopping this but why bother when I can just as easily Shoop it!

The Review!
This is the conclusion to the "Twilight" story but it doesn't really resolve much of anything. I suppose it's only called "Twilight" because it's kind of a prologue to the coming Lazarus Contract series. Priest reminds readers of practically everything that has happened in the last eighteen issues so readers know all about the Rebirth version of Deathstork going into the story that will probably change everything again. Not totally, of course! But this issue covers the basics of the things that from his past that made Deathstork who he is: Grant's rebelliousness; Joseph's slashed throat; Rose following in his footsteps; Slade's time with the Suicide Squad; Adeline's hatred for her ex-husband; Red Lion's association with Deathstork; Pat and Luis's previous post-Crisis relationship with Slade; Wintergreen as Slade's moral compass. I may have missed some but those are the stresses acting on Deathstork's life (plus the ones he doesn't know about like Dr. Ikon turning into some kind of Solomon Grundyesque beast) as he goes into the story where he'll get to remember more horrible things he's done. The Titans should remind him how he got Grant killed and how he got Terra killed and how he got Joseph killed (although Joseph isn't dead anymore so that memory will be a weird one to deal with). I think he's about to learn that he's not even as nice as the hardly nice guy he currently thinks he is.

The Ranking!
No change. This series really does need to be read in one sitting, right? It's a nice change of pace to read a comic book that doesn't forget the past every six issues or so while also packing in lots and lots of story to keep me from being bored. I'm not being too obvious looking at my Wonder Woman comics right now, am I?

Deathstork #17

"I spy with my humongous eye something tiny that begins with D."

Last issue, I mentioned how angry Power Girl's fake boob window was making me. But then she got shot through the torso with the Infinity Rifle. That shot was taken from a higher advantage (because she was normal height and Deadline was standing on a car) which means it should have created a hole in her costume right around her tits and come out the back right around the top of her ass. She recovered but her costume probably shouldn't have recovered. Which means Power Girl should now have a boob window as well as a butt crack veranda. I'm all over that costume.

This is part six of the story called "Twilight." I feel like no stories should ever be called "Twilight" ever again.

The issue begins with a conversation between Slade and Billy Wintergreen. Wintergreen now has Deadline's Infinity Rifle and is storing it for some time when Slade needs to fight Superman again. Or kill him for a contract. Whatever. You never know what tomorrow will bring when you'll do anything for a paycheck.

I can practically hear all of the Deathstork Fangenders screaming their heads off after that characterization of him! So many people want to see him as a hero. But he's just a guy who kills people for money! Stop projecting your feelings of wanting to fuck him onto his morality!

While Slade is on the phone with Wintergreen, Beast Boy stops by to see if he can get into Power Girl's panties. Oh, sure, he simply asks her if she wants pizza. But since Gar Logan is a serial sexual harasser, we all know where that's going to lead.

I can practically hear all of the Beast Boy Fangenders screaming their heads off about that characterization of him! So many people want to see him as funny but he's really just a desperate pig who won't take anything less than a starbolt to the groin as an answer.

Beast Boy happens to notice Slade in the other room and his rectum falls out. He's all, "Oh shit! I've got all of these memories in my body that seem new but aren't new at all! They're like these red and blue memories but they're merging so that I suddenly remember that Deathstork is like the Teen Titans worst enemy ever and he once got the young girl I loved killed! And also statutorily raped before that! I need to end his life!" Gar turns into a gorilla and screams, "Call the cops! Call the Justice League! Call anybody but the Teen Titans!" But Power Girl is all, "What? Why? Oh, him? That's Deathstork? I mean, I knew it was Deathstork and not some blind jerk I was helping! I totally have this covered. Now exit the door and don't try to get back in and just leave the comic book completely even though you know my life is in very real danger! Good bye! We'll get pizza next week when I probably won't be dead!"

Power Girl figures Deathstork heard the encounter with Beast Boy since he went blind and not deaf. So she slinks into the room and asks him if he's going to kill her. As if he could! She just proved that she can basically heal from anything if she simply grows to giant size! So Deathstork is all, "Don't worry, young lady who is definitely too young for me to be fucking. You and all young women like you are totally and historically safe with me! Double wink!" He says "Double wink" because he's used to people not being able to tell when he's winking because he usually has that patch over one eye.

He does like to lie with little girls! Also...Roscoe can talk?!

Meanwhile in Minneapolis, Rose teaches Hosun about the Kiss of Death. Unless maybe she's just really happy that somebody, somewhere, finally told her the truth about something. Does that work? Does telling women truthful things that they don't want to hear get them to sleep with you?! I've been doing it all backwards and telling them lying things they totally want to hear! No wonder I still don't know what a vagina looks like! I bet it's like a doughnut, right?

Back in New York, Power Girl threatens to take Slade into the police now that she knows he is an assassin. So Slade does something that all of Slade's Fangenders finally won't be able to go along with. Maybe they can justify fucking a teenager and getting her killed. Maybe they can justify killing whomever he wants for the right price without letting any kind of justice but his own ethics decide. But how will they justify this dick move?

He murdered a fucking dog! He's as huge a monster as Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason!

This scene is why I love Priest's Deathstork book and why every other Deathstork book has failed until now. Slade will do anything — ANYTHING — for his own benefit. Before this moment, Slade tells Power Girl that there are no heroes and no villains. That "people simply do what they do." And that's how I want to see Slade written. He is not the upstanding, ethical hero who knows when it's right to kill. He's just a fucking guy doing what he needs to do for himself and, sometimes (though not often!), his family. And when a writer decides they need to make Slade likable at any cost, it costs the book its personality. Ironically, Slade needs to do wretched and unpopular things to be likable. He has to be Slade Wilson. He needs to be free to be Deathstroke. Most writers up until now just haven't had the stomach for it.

Power Girl, obviously, flips the fuck out when he murders her dog. Now Slade, blind and without a guide dog, has to figure out a way to get away from Power Girl. It shouldn't be too hard. It's not like she's an experienced Teen Titan that knows Slade's tricks and behaviors. It's not like she's like the guy she kicked out who just wanted pizza and could totally have helped her catch Slade. Hopefully he knew better than to simply go home and forget about seeing Slade in Tanya's apartment. This might be the beginning of that whole Judas Contract thing. I mean Lazarus Contract!

Slade manages to track down his suit while evading Power Girl, thanks to his glasses' connection with Ikon Suit Wintergreen. Ikon Suit Wintergreen is all, "I cannot come up with a plan to kill her." And Slade is all, "Whoa, what now? I don't want to kill her! I just want to fuck her! OH!" And the suit is all, "Dude, you should probably hope that the Superman Reborn story did not include reintegrating you with your Terra history." And Slade is all, "No way! That's one sweet ass memory!"

Slade escapes to live again but at what cost? How many Deathstork Fangenders have just decided this is the worst version of Deathstork ever? They're wrong, of course! This is the absolutely finest characterization of Deathstork I've seen in a comic book with his name on it. This is the Deathstork I keep writing about which almost always gets me yelled at by Deathstork fans. Usually those fans are fans of the Slade from the Teen Titans cartoon, so they can be forgiven for not truly understanding what Slade Wilson really is. But now they know! He murdered Tanya's pet for pretty much no other reason than to make her hate him and cause her to be distracted by the pain of loss while he escaped her. What a fucking dick. I love it!

Although I still hate that Tomasi and Gleason had Superboy kill his mom's cat Goldie because that's just fucking painful. He will never get over being responsible for the death of a family pet. Never! No matter how much Pete and Pat try to pretend it didn't happen. Goldie had better get the chance to return to life like every other superhero! Hopefully whatever weird shit is going on in the ground around the Kent Farm and Deadman's Swamp will bring Goldie back. But she'll be different! They never come back right! You reap what you sow!

Meanwhile, Rose (like the Deathstork Fangenders) is having a nervous breakdown after realizing just how big a monster her father is. But Wintergreen, Slade's spin specialist, PR Agent, and all around conscience in waiting, spends some time on the phone trying to convince her (and himself) that Slade's better than he appears to be.

Sure, whatever. BUT HE JUST MURDERED A DOG!

Oh, and just to be clear: Ikon Suit Wintergreen explicitly mentions how Slade killed the dog. I only say that because I'm less than trustworthy in the way I usually relate events in the comic book. But he did kill Roscoe. Snapped his neck like a doggy biscuit!

Meanwhile, Joseph is having problems of his own. Etienne just discovered that Joseph was fucking Dr. Ikon on the side. And because of that, she lets Joseph know that she's been fucking Slade on the side. So I guess that's why he's going to have to murder her. Or at least that's giving him a reason to murder her so all of the Wilsons are now suspects! I know she isn't dead yet but the comic book keeps showing the scene of her dead in her wedding gown so I'm assuming it's going to happen. But who will do it?! Rose the angry sister? Joseph the beta cuck? Slade the dog murderer?! So many people to choose from!

The Ranking!
+1! I never would have thought that I'd raise the ranking of a comic book where the lead character just murdered a pet. Context is important!

Deathstork #14

I wonder if DC would be up for publishing a Deathstork variant cover so I don't have to Photoshop every issue.

When I was Photoshopping the cover, I assumed the white streak running through the "O" was water. So when I actually gave the cover a good look, I thought Deathstork was in The Mystery Spot where water spilled upwards out of the holes he shot in the walls. I'm not sure the reality of the cover is any better. Why is Deathstork using bullets that smoke? Maybe he uses Ice Bullets so that they melt, leaving no evidence of the crime! And that's steam coming out of his gun the way wispy tendrils of cordite don't ever come out of the barrels of guns because that's pretty much why cordite and other smokeless propellants were invented. Not that any artist doing covers for Deathstork have ever cared about that! Smoke coming out of the barrel of a gun is just shorthand for "This gun was just recently shot! You can tell by the smoke that is pouring out of the barrel the way smoke never does!"

Deathstork continues to fuck his son's fiance. But he has good reasons to! He knows she was just getting close to Joseph to get to him anyway. And also he likes fucking her. That's probably the primary reason. But she fell in love with Joseph while trying to get to Slade and now things are complicated and she's just going to have to continue to fuck the father and the son, preferably at different times. Although I don't think Slade or Joseph would really have a problem with fucking all together. Maybe they can get Rose to join too!

Speaking of Rose, she's still in Minneapolis dodging marriage proposals from Hosun and fuck proposals from her hip-hop cousin. It's too cold in Minneapolis so I won't be scanning any pictures of Rose in her underwear. Sorry perverts and lesbians and lesbian perverts.

I just noticed Norm Rapmund is doing the inking on this issue but Brett Booth isn't doing the art. Did they have a lover's spat?

Don't get me wrong! I'm thankful Brett Booth isn't doing the art on this series! Judging by his style, it seems he spent 95% of his time learning to draw by practicing drawing thighs.

After clearing up the prison break incident in Florence, Deathstork heads to New York because the incident in Florence isn't totally cleared up yet. To get his sword back from lock-up, he has to do a favor for Dex. My guess is that favor is shooting a cab driver in the face. But since Deathstork only has the one eye, he has trouble hitting the cabbie, even at point blank range. Granted, point blank range also includes hanging onto the hood of the cab as the cab driver smashes into buses and swerves all over the street. The messed up mission ends with a giant Power Girl inadvertently coming to Slade's aid. She's not involved in the chase for long but long enough that I figure Priest has a reason for her being here. All of the characters in his book have a story. He doesn't just throw them in for a quick guest spot. Unless that's exactly what he did with Raptor. It's too late to tell! Although Slade's Ikon suit still has the bird Raptor painted on the chest. So see? Leaving his own mark on the story! Plus he'll probably be back to challenge Slade. Probably whenever Nightwing winds up in this book.

Does the Ikon suit's gravity sheath not extend to the sleeves? Seems like an amputation disaster waiting to happen! Or maybe it just can't stop needle points?

Deathstork smashes the guy Dex sent him after between a Dumpster brand trash receptacle and an alley wall. After that, he has enough time to change back into his civilian gear before passing out from whatever was in the needle. And that's exactly the moment Power Girl reappears! She missed all the Deathstork stuff and just thinks Slade is a victim of the rampaging taxi driver.

Rose visits a pawn shop to pick up a sword that's now been in her family for generations, wink, wink! Fittingly, it's inscribed with the word "Rose" in Hmong. Lucky! I mean, the story is called "Destiny" but it's really more "Lucky!", right?

Oh! Back at Power Girl's Power Cave (a studio apartment on the some compass direction side of New York), I learn that one of Deathstork's sleeves is missing. I either missed how that happened or Raptor still has it. Anyway, one benefit of being taken home by Power Girl is that she decontaminates Deathstork's radioactive suit. It also turns out Deathstork is currently blind. Well, that finally explains that! Remember how he bumped into the wall while visiting Pat awhile back? Sure, that was a few issues ago but it apparently took place in the future. Stupid stories that don't tell themselves in a linear fashion. I still don't even know why this story is called "Twilight"! There hasn't been one teenage vampire or dying god in it at all!

Oh! Maybe Deathstork is the dying god. Or vampire!

The Ranking!
No change! I'm assuming Slade went blind after being injected with whatever he was injected with. But he couldn't even shoot the cabbie in the face so maybe he was already blind but he just didn't know it yet because all of his other senses are as fine-tuned as his reflexes. He didn't realize he couldn't see because his other senses were compensating so well! That totally explains why he couldn't shoot that guy in the face. What also explains it? That cabbie is probably some super villain! I bet he's not dead at all! It's not like Deathstork saw him die, what with being blind and all.

Deathstork #13

Once again, I've spent all the time I have to read this comic on Photoshopping the cover.

Joseph Wilson — who is Catholic, I guess? — begins the issue by leaving the woman he has yet to marry but is currently sleeping with in bed while he goes to confess his sins. That seems like a pretty laid back religion, right?

I wonder if he'd be so forgiving if Joseph confessed to putting his pee-pee in a man's boo-boo?

Catholicism can be summed up in this one boring anecdote I'm about to anecdotally anecdote now: in college, my friend Soy Rakelson (whom I've spoken about before because he's the go-to guy for stories about homophobia, white anger, hypocritical religion, and mocking the disabled) found himself in a religious dilemma. He wanted to fuck a girl whom he wasn't married to. That wasn't the dilemma. He didn't think once that that was a problem, probably because confession awaited him where he could brag to the priest about getting some pussy. No, the dilemma was whether or not he should use condom. He didn't want to get somebody pregnant but the Pope said birth control was abhorrent! That's pretty much religious people in a nutshell. As long as they feel they're strictly adhering to the most controversial religious mandates, the other shit that they're not supposed to do but that they really, really, really want to do doesn't matter. God will understand banging that sorority girl! But he might not look so kindly on using a condom!

Although, really, what is God's problem with birth control? I hope that argument doesn't stem from Onan because that story wasn't about sex at all. It was about business deals and honoring your father. God was only mad about Onan spilling his seed because he had a contract to get his brother's wife pregnant and he broke that contract. God wasn't all, "Oh shit, dude! You're only supposed to ejaculate if it's going to have a slight chance of ending in pregnancy!" No, God was more like, "Dude! DUDE! You promised your dad that you'd impregnate your dead brother's wife! He didn't just give her to you to use as a cum-dumpster (which you totally jizzed on the side of anyway, you miscreant)!"

I think I got the voice of God exactly right.

Meanwhile, Red Lion critiques Deathstork's old uniform while Deathstork battles Raptor. Raptor stole Deathstork's Ikon suit which has forced Deathstork to wear his orange and blue suit with the boots and gloves with enormous cuffs. It's so embarrassing. At least he didn't have a Nightwing disco collar. I wonder what George Perez was on when he designed those outfits. Probably Quaaludes and monkey semen.

I don't know if monkey semen was an actual drug in the eighties or if being coked out of your mind led to people blowing apes. Maybe none of those things happened. I think I'm just remembering my Planet of the Apes/American Psycho slash fiction.

Deathstork is a better overall fighter than Raptor but Raptor is indestructible while the Ikon suit's gravity sheath is in place. So Deathstork needs the Ikon's AI (which sounds like Wintergreen because Doctor Ikon had a huge boner for Wintergreen (much like Slade does!)) to shut down the gravity sheath. Unfortunately, it can't do it. But it might know somebody who can! Like maybe the kid of some guy who stole his lover's suit after killing him and, incidentally, that lover was the creator of the Ikon suit? You know? Joseph!

Oh, for some reason — probably to add drama and tension to the story — he wants Isherwood (Doctor Ikon, RIP!) himself. That seems like a lot of trouble when he could just get Joseph to shut down the suit, as he noted in this exact conversation!

Deathstork realizes he's wasting time battling an enemy he can't currently stop so he turns his attention to Red Lion. He knows Red Lion lured him here for a reason and he figures they should just get around to being honest with each other so they can get the work done and they can all go their separate ways. Also, it'll buy time for Joseph to get the Ikon suit shut down so that Slade can kill Raptor.

Red Lion's plan makes sense but I'll just turn it into a bunch of convoluted statements about his penis so let's just leave it at the theft of this aircraft carrier benefits Red Lion, Raptor, and Deathstork. So they should all work together! Which they do! Sort of! I mean, it wall works out in the end for all of them. Mostly? Red Lion gets a ship, Deathstork gets evidence that could convict his ex (which he destroys, dum-dum!), and Raptor gets radiation poisoning!

Oh, plus Deathstork gets his Ikon suit back.

And I guess he's fucking his son's fiance?

The Ranking!
No change! One of the best things about this comic book is that Priest isn't just filling a story about Slade with minor characters with which he can interact. He's telling the story of a bunch of characters whose lives all revolve around each other. I'm hoping Raptor gets more involved than just this story, now that he's been sucked into Deathstork's gravity sheath.

Deathstork #12

I got the half-finished variant cover!

• I fucking know, Actually Nerd! Shove your actually up your fucking ass!

• This story is called "Twilight" so I'm pretty excited about that. I love vampires. Especially vampires who are super fucking old but look so young that nobody blinks if they go around fucking high school girls. Those vampires are the creepiest kind.

• I wonder if Vampire Tim Drake from the future will appear in this story!

• The issue begins with wheelchair bound Pat (a former Vigilante) being visited by Slade Wilson. He's got a message for Pat: Luis will live! Well, thank somebody for that! The readers were all kinds of worried about what was going to happen to Luis. Maybe not all of the readers. Most of the readers probably thought, "Who the fuck is Luis?", before shrugging their shoulders and turning the page. The other handful of readers knew Luis was Pat's kid who almost got into gang violence because Pat wasn't around to make sure the maid didn't let him get into gang violence. You can bet that maid lost her job!

• After Slade delivers the news, he runs into the wall instead of exiting through the doorway. Pat realizes he's blind and the readers are all, "What the fuck?" At least some of them were! Most of them probably remember how comic books work and just turned the page expecting the story to flash back in time so we could see how Slade lost his eyesight (which is probably temporary because DC Comics doesn't need their own Daredevil knock-off. Especially when that knock-off is the knock-offer of Deadpool. That's just making things way too complicated).

• Jeromy Cox did the colors on this issue so I expect a bunch of poorly colored flags.

• Just kidding, Jeromy! Ha ha! We have so much fun, right?! Hey, did you ever color any of Cullen Bunn's stuff? He's a big jerk, right? Let's get the gossip!

• The first page of the comic is always wasted. It's like dipping your toe in the bath before getting in so you don't burn off your genitals. Now that I've gotten a feel for the temperature of the comic book with the bit showing Slade run into a wall (although why would he do that? His reflexes and senses should be honed to such a super degree that he'd never walk into anything while blind! He must have done it on purpose so Pat would sympathize with him), I can dunk my bag right into the thick of this story.

• Deathstork is breaking out of the Coast Guard's Supermax prison in Florence, Colorado. That sounds like a made up place. I've never heard of a Florence in Colorado before! And if I haven't heard of it, I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist. That's just simple philosophy!

• Deathstork wasn't the brains behind the escape. That would be The Red Lion. I once went to a high school party at a Red Lion Inn. My friend Aaron and I wound up dropping all the little glass crystals that hung on the bedside lamp out the sixth story window and into the parking lot. That wasn't one of those stories where I'm bragging about my youthful experiences. If I were going to tell those kinds of stories, they would be filled with sex with lots of hot sexpots who were so totally into sex that we would sex all over the places people have sex. A lot. No, that was just one of those stories which are an example of why minors should never be tried in court as adults. The person I was at seventeen shares a lot of similarities with who I am now. But I would fucking beat that kid for shit he did that was way worse than vandalizing the Red Lion Inn. Young people do stupid shit and they shouldn't have their lives ruined forever because of it. And, yes, I even think that if they've ruined somebody else's life. Punishment without the possibility of redemption is simply cruel vengeance.

• Although I'd probably change my mind if some assfuck teenager maliciously killed a pet of mine. Then I would wreck that person so hard, they'd feel my wrath twenty generations down the line.

• What I'm saying is, I don't know everything! Maybe not even anything, really! But at least I know the colors of the stripes on the United States flag! Ha ha! Just kidding, Jeromy, buddy!

• Meanwhile in Minneapolis, Hosun (Slade's ex-dispatch guy) confronts Rose so that they can explicate some of the more confusing parts of the plot so far. I was going to scan that page so that I'd have all of the pertinent information in case I was confused by the story later, but then I turned the page and thought, "I should scan that!"

Slade loves staring at his grown kids in post-coital slumber.

• In Joseph's scene, the readers learn Joseph needs to rush his marriage because that should cure his gay headaches.

• Slade returns to Florence to interrogate Dex, the man who interrogated him when he was thrown in the supermax. Slade wants to know who else was freed from the supermax when he was because he figures Red Lion was just using Deathstork as cover. It turns out Raptor was currently in the supermax too! And now he's gone! Hooray! I hope he's talking to an agent about getting a biweekly anti-hero series of his own. At least his would come with a catchy theme song.

• Slade realizes Raptor and Red Lion are off to steal an aircraft carrier in dock ready to be turned into a casino. Red Lion needs it to get his country back. Slade might not care about all that anymore since nobody is paying him. But he needs to stop Raptor for another reason: Raptor took Deathstork's Ikon suit from the prison and painted a hawk on the front. Right over the dildo!

The Ranking!
No change. A good portion of this story feels like a not too intelligent editor read the previous eleven issues and said to Priest, "Dafuq?" So then Priest was told to write this issue and have a bunch of the characters explain what actually happened in the previous eleven. It still told its own story and moved a bunch of plots forward but the amount of exposition and explication in this one probably quadrupled what came in the previous ten issues.

Deathstork #5

The worst thing about Deathstork is that he's probably a Trump supporter.

Deathstork has come to Gotham to get in a fight with Batman. Maybe he actually came to get Batman's help but he decided the best way to ask for help was to kidnap Damian. So, my first statement was correct. It also makes Deathstork a coward! How about fighting Batman in a comic book that doesn't have "Deathstork" on the cover?

Thanks to the inclusion of the last sentence of that paragraph, I had to go back and Photoshop the cover!

I'm going to lose all respect for Batman (not that I had much (or any?) left!) if he doesn't arrest Slade Wilson after he's done working with him. I suppose I have to give Rebirth Deathstork the benefit of the doubt that he isn't a child rapist. I suppose Deathstork hasn't been a child rapist since pre-Crisis on Infinite Earths, right? To be fair to myself and my bias and my inability to let that aspect of the character go, he did manipulate and sleep with an underage girl! I mean, the pre-Crisis Deathstork did! This Rebirth Deathstork might only have boners for appropriately aged women and Wintergreen. I suppose I should give him a chance.

Although what's up with this quote by George Pérez that I found while doing heavy duty research by typing "tara markov Judas Contract" into Google and deciding the Wikipedia entry would be the most educational link?

"I wanted her to be cute but not beautiful. She looked like a young girl. I gave her a substantial overbite, her eyes were wide, her body was slim, she wasn't particularly busty. I wanted her to look almost elven, so that when you see her for the first time wearing full-make up and dressed in a provocative outfit where you know she's just been in bed with Deathstroke that it does jab you a bit. 'Whoa, good God! This little girl is a slut!'"

George, you don't mind if I twist your words a little bit which, to be quite frank, don't really need much twisting! But you thought the best way to portray Tara was to make her look like a little girl so that when the readers discovered Deathstork was fucking her, they'd think, "Woah, good God! This little girl is a slut!"? I think this is the part of the conversation where the young people would say something like "I can't even!" But since I'm old, I totally fucking can. That's fucking messed up! I didn't read The Judas Contract when it came out because I didn't really get into DC Comics until Crisis on Infinite Earths. But if I had, I can tell you I wouldn't have thought Tara was a slut! And I was only twelve! I would have thought, "Why are they naked in bed together? Is that doing it?! Are they doing it!? Oh my god! Am I reading pornography?!"

Okay, so twelve year old me wasn't quite as sophisticated as forty-five year old me! Now I would read that and think, "Whoa! She's only like fifteen and she's doing it! Lucky!" I mean, I would be all, "Deathstork is obviously a pedophile and he's manipulating an emotionally wrecked child who desperately needs a father figure. Too bad she found one that doesn't understand boundaries and, apparently, the fucking law." Not that I know what the legal age of consent was in New York in 1984! I suppose I could do more hard-boiled investigating but I don't want to open another browser window. But even if it were sixteen and Slade didn't break the letter of the law, he certainly behaved poorly! But replace "poorly" with a stronger synonym! I'd look one up but, you know, browser window!

In other words, I'm going to give Christopher Priest's Rebirth Deathstork a clean slate! I mean, maybe not totally clean! I don't think you can ever totally wipe away the pedophilia.

Oh! They're using my plan! Except without a sniper rifle!

Just like I expected, Batman refuses to be sucked in. He doesn't negotiate with terrorists and child kidnappers! Besides, now he has the night free of Damian! Maybe not the whole night though because how long will Slade be able to handle Damian? Three, four hours tops?

Rose manages to follow Batman back to his Batmobile, impressing him, so he agrees to hang out with her for the night. Batman doesn't even know what he's agreeing to! I suppose when you're as overconfident and cocky as Batman, you can afford to go blindly into almost certain death. Or at least yet another fistfight with Deathstork.

That was the first short story. It was called "Lost". The second short story is called "In League". Like "In League with the Devil", right? But which one is the devil? Slade? Batman? Rose? Oh, I know! Damian, obviously!

Robin has been chained to the bottom of a water silo slowly filling up with water. It's a classic TV Batman cliffhanger! "Can the Robin swim to safety?! Or will the Boy Wonder go under...forever!" It's a typical cliffhanger situation so the scene changes after Robin points out how he defeated Deathstork in their last confrontation by throwing money at him.

The third short story is called "The Why". Rose tells Batman that they're trying to find the person who put out a hit on her. Batman tells Rose basically the same thing Wintergreen told Rose (minus the stuff about how he loves Slade's ass): "Slade Wilson is a manipulative bastard who uses everybody for his own ends and why are you looking at me like that I'm nothing like him!"

In the fifth short story, "Father's Day", Robin references Maude. How the hell does Robin know about that show? I know it's on those stations that play nothing but television from thirty or more years ago but when does Damian have time to watch television? Maybe he just has a bunch of MP3s of the worlds best television theme songs because Maude's theme song kicks ass. Although the line about Joan of Arc being a girl who really cooked might be crossing a problematic line.

Damian and Slade have a nice father-son chat while Rose and Bruce do the same (except for the son parts being daughter parts). I think in both situations, the Waynes have all the power. Although Slade might be trying to get Damian to reveal something Damian shouldn't reveal. Damian is cocky and inexperienced enough to understand he should just shut up. Meanwhile, Batman is just trying to point out to Rose that Slade is a dick and maybe she shouldn't be emulating him.

Batman just uses Rose as his sidekick for the night while he waits for Damian to escape from Slade's clutches. Robin eventually does by blowing up his head. I mean, not his entire head. Apparently Robin has a fake skullcap made of explosives that he can detonate. He only uses it right before he's about to drown because Damian was in power and he was the one trying to get information out of Slade. But he wasn't successful. Now he gets to flirt with Rose because she's totally into Batman's wards.

Remember what Wintergreen said, Rose! Slade just doesn't know how to say "I love you!" without it sounding like he put out a hit on you!

Meanwhile, Deathstork is still on the hunt for somebody. If he put out the hit on Rose, I don't know why he's still looking into it. But he is! So could Batman have been...wrong?!

The Ranking!
No change. Can you believe this shit? A Deathstork in Gotham story and he doesn't get into a physical confrontation with Batman! I feel so unfulfilled! My stomach hurts because there was no catharsis from the escalating tension waiting for the expected conflict! It's like The Blair Witch Project all over again! BLARG! That was me vomiting from being so wound up without any release! I think I need to go out in public and punch somebody in the face to feel better! They'll probably understand, right?

Deathstork #4

How hard is it to hunt for Batman? Just turn that stupid signal on and wait on the roof of the building across the way with a sniper rifle.

Has there ever been a more earnest generation than the current generation? I mean, I guess the Greatest Generation (dumb title!) was pretty earnest about war and cars and middle class living. And then the Sex Generation was pretty earnest about peace and sex and drugs and The Doors. But then there was the X Generation who never had an earnest thought in their body because the Sex Generation forgot to bond with their accidental children who were total bummers keeping them from enjoying their three day festivals. And then the generation after that, nobody gave a shit about. I think they were called the Y Bother Generation. Or the You Know You're A 90s Kid Generation. And now the Millennials are all super earnest about everything. At least the Greatest Generation understood what jokes were and sometimes said them. Sure, the punch line usually had something to do with a Jap or a Kraut but they still laughed at stuff! That's probably unfair to say Millennials don't find things funny. Everybody finds stuff funny! It's just that Millennials are so earnest that they think intellectual criticism of anything they do (even if that criticism is total cynical bullshit to just pad the introduction to a comic book review) is bullying, if not a complete and utter Hate Crime. You can tell a lot of them don't know how to handle criticism because they swaddle themselves in labels so they can instantly declare that anybody who criticizes the least thing they say or way they act the grossest person in the universe. I totally get it if the person is criticizing them for their mind-boggling complex sexuality or their Myers-Briggs Type. But holy shit do they get upset if you simply point out how Oliver and Felicity was the worst relationship ever created in a television show and probably the biggest mistake made in a television show founded on horrible mistakes by the writers.

Okay! Now that I've gotten the kids to flounce out of the room, let's talk about adult stuff! Lots of adult stuff going on in Deathstork and I didn't want to ruin the adult surprises that Millennials will discover soon enough, like the loss of wonder and the need to piss all over subsequent generations for doing things differently simply because they still have the vibrant, passionate spark of youth that we can barely even remember feeling!

I just figured out how Christopher Priest names his issues! No, I don't mean I discovered some intellectually lofty link that exposes his central themes and rips open the rib cage of the entire series to get a cold, stark look at its pounding heart! I just mean I realized that the first title is the title of the collection of short stories. Then every few pages when the scene changes, it gets a new title because its a new story but then it fits into the theme of the collection! So this collection is called "American Gothic". That's a famous painting by that hick that lived in the Midwest! He's really famous out there, especially in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. And every other city in Iowa, really. If you don't remember the painting, I'll describe it for you: two vampires stand in front of a barn. The male vampire looks like he wants to die which is probably why he's standing out in the sun getting his portrait did. And the female vampire is looking at him like, "You done it again, Hinry."

The first short story is called "Tuh-MAY-toe". That's probably the only word that needs to be spelled phonetically since there's such a huge controversy about the correct way to say it that somebody once wrote a song called "How About We Just Agree To Fucking Disagree, Asshole?"

Rose and Slade are heading to Gotham so Slade decided he probably shouldn't look like Deathstork because he doesn't want Batman to beat him up immediately. He is disguised as a man who used to teach but then fell in love with one of his students and had to go on the run with her so that he wouldn't be judged by society although he would eventually be judged by his young lover who would find a young lover of her own who wasn't a creepy pedophile. And Rose is disguised as a virgin with Daddy Issues. That's not much of a disguise but then Batman isn't on the look out for Rose Wilson coming into Gotham and fucking up his life. The theme of this story is how Slade and Rose are different but the same, much like how sometimes people say tomato and other times people say tomato.

The second story is called "The Code" and I don't know what it's about yet but it might have my favorite moment in a Deathstork comic book since every terrible thing Rob Liefeld did which peaked the needle on my schadenfreude. I'll scan it so you can enjoy that moment too if you've made the life mistake of not reading this comic book. Don't worry if you have made that mistake. That's one of those mistakes that most people would make because Deathstork comic books have been so terrible since they were invented that almost nobody exists who would walk into a comic book store, pass the New Releases shelf, see a Deathstork comic book, and think, "FUCKING YES! I hope there's a new Lobo book out too!"

See? Creepy pedophile disguise! Oh! I just remembered that Slade actually is a creepy pedophile so it's not really the best disguise!

Rose calls Wintergreen to whine about Slade's naked ass and Wintergreen is all, "Oh? Details!" He also tries to explain to Rose and the entire Deathstork Fandom who don't actually understand the character they love that he's a super-villain. He isn't a mercenary with a heart. He isn't a surrogate daddy to cartoon Robin. He isn't an anti-hero taking out the trash. He's a pedophile, rapist, murdering sociopath who likes to rent motel rooms and stick his dick between the blinds as he drinks his morning coffee.

Okay, maybe Wintergreen backs away from the sociopath label. At least he definitely backs away from the term psychopath but I think that's a tomato, tomato situation. Wintergreen tries to explain Deathstork's emotional code to Rose so she can maybe love her father as much as Wintergreen's penis loves her father. Rose learns the code and instantly uses it to call her father an idiot. Slade may or may not notice. It's hard to tell because he doesn't really feel emotion, no matter how much Wintergreen tries to convince himself by convincing Rose that he, at least, feels some.

The next short story is called "The Enemy of My Enemy". It features Dick Grayson! But I don't know why it's called "The Enemy of My Enemy" since it's about Rose and Dick fucking in the woods while Deathstork creepily watches from a nearby tree! Christopher Priest likes using titles which the reader can finish on their own because they're the first half of a common expression. So the full title of this story must be "The Enemy of My Enemy Is the Guy Fucking My Daughter".

The fourth short story is called "Sights". It has something to do with how Rose's precognition is thought of as having the sight and how guns have sights that help you aim. It's this whole thing where they have to be calibrated just right or something and something and a bunch of bikers die. But it brings Rose closer to Slade! I don't think it brings Slade closer to Rose though. He's just annoyed.

The fifth story is called "The Squirt" and I'm a little bit nervous to find out what this is about. Is it going to be about the involuntary sphincter reaction a person has when they first realize that they're going to have to fight Batman? Deathstork summons Batman through a complicated series of electronic rituals. Part of Batman's cautiousness involved using Damian to ride through on a bike to scope the place. While riding through, Deathstork managed to drug him so that when Damian battled Ravager later, she would be able to beat him. In that way, Deathstork could kidnap the Squirt and force Batman to do him a favor. At least that's what Deathstork seems to believe kidnapping Damian would accomplish. I imagine instead of Batman rolling over and doing whatever Slade says to free Damian, Batman is just going to get angry and not help Deathstork at all. In fact, he may even hamper Deathstork's investigation into who put a hit out on Rose.

Rebirth Rankings!
Let's see if I can actually create a new list ranking the DC Comics by quality. It might take some time though since I'll have to add them as I read them.

1. Deathstork (1). That's it for now! It's the best comic of them all based on only it! Also, I mean, it is a pretty good comic book on its own merit.

Deathstork #3

If you're going to copy Deathstork's outfit, at least improve on the flaws. Like the colors. And the excessive pouches. And the flared boots. Oh wait. She did fix those. Good start!

The Commentary!
• I'm feeling a bit underappreciated as a Writer lately. It's been making me think: why am I wasting my talents on comic book readers?! They're the most unsophisticated readers in the library! It's like, "Have you checked out anything with words while you're waiting for every single comic book trade to become available?" I mean, I write stuff like "The first short story is called 'Home Alone'. It's about how Joseph Wilson was constantly being left home by himself due to his mercenary parents constantly rushing off to other countries to assassinate people and his older brother throwing temper tantrums and running away because he didn't feel like his dad loved him enough. Joseph apparently doesn't feel loved enough either because when the house is empty, he invites a bunch of strange teenagers over to party on the off chance that a few of them might think, 'Jake Wilbur is the coolest!'" and who responds with, "Holy shit! What a way with words! What an elegantly heartbreaking example of mankind's unending loneliness due to our inability to connect with others!"? Nobody, that's who! Not one person! And yet people cream their corduroys over Hemingway!

• I guess I'm destined to be discovered after I'm dead, Emily Dickinson style. That's probably the usual fate of shut-ins without any real ambition for fame or money but who just want to write. Although I wouldn't mind some of that sweet money! Just enough to keep me in Oreos until I'm too fat to leave the house and I die of heart disease. Then my obituary can read, "Local Fat Man Who Thought He Could Write Dies Lonely Death. Jake Wilbur Will Be Missed. By No One! BURN!"

• Don't bother trying to pay me compliments now that I've pointed out you're all unsophisticated dum-dums! It's too late for that! I know you're all terrible Readers anyway! It's why you're reading my thoughts on the comic books you've already read! So you can think things like, "Oh yeah! I totally knew that's what that was about! Themes and stuff!"! I should probably start a commentary blog for this commentary blog.

• This issue (unless it's just the first story?) is called "By Any Other Name." Most of you uncouth chowderheads probably don't get why it's called that! Pshaw! It's so obvious! I bet a monkey that was taught how to press the button on a game show buzzer could answer a question on this if it were on Jeopardy. Although the monkey would probably forget to say the answer in the form of a question because it's just a stupid monkey.

• Don't you hate how on Jeopardy, when a contestant says the answer without making it a question, they still have time to correct the error, spurred on by Alex Trebek looking at them as if they're the biggest idiots on the planet. They're all, "Rose!" And then Alex Trebek's eyes roll back in his head and spittle forms on his lips and he starts looking around for a gun to shoot himself in the face with but when he can't find one, he just starts screaming, "YOU FUCKING CAME ON JEOPARDY OF YOUR OWN ACCORD BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING SMART BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE MAIN TWIST TO THIS STUPID QUIZ SHOW!" Instead of letting them rephrase the question, they should deduct five hundred dollars from their score and throw a pub dart into their neck.

• The second short story is called "33". Who wants to take a Jeopardy guess as to why that's the title of this story? "What is the age Jesus's best friend went all smoochy face on him so that the Roman Guards would be all, 'That's the one! The dude kissing the other dude! Not the one with his pockets bulging with silver! The other one! The poor one!'"

• "33" might also be an emoticon of a blinking pirate with a harelip. Oh! Or Deathstork blinking! And with a harelip!

• Oh wait! Before I get to the second story, I had a question about the first story!

"There can only be one reason Rose Wilson takes two hour showers." "What is masturbation, Alex?"

• I also had the answer to my question! Jeopardy style!

• Rose is just like her father but with a different name. Except instead of having super reflexes, she has super intuition. Or maybe it's just straight up precognition. She sees how a hit might go wrong and then changes the way the hit goes. So she's like Midnighter if Midnighter were actually terrible. Compared to Midnighter, she has a fraction of his ability and that fraction is one over infinity. Although is that really a fraction? That's really just zero, right? I can't do the proof but I'm sure there's a proof that proves it.

• The "33" of the title is the number of bullets in the magazine of an Uzi plus one in the chamber. But why would there be one in the chamber? Do people often fire off thirty-one bullets and then stick a new clip on before firing that last bullet? I don't know anything about guns but I do play Call of Duty!

• Rose was only paid to stop a hit and, with her mental abilities, realized she was going to die as the hit went south. So she knocked everybody out because she's apparently a disappointment to her father. He's all, "Oh, so we're in the knock men out game, are we?!" And Rose is all, "FUCK YOU, DAD!"

The "you" in Wintergreen's statement obviously refers to Slade.

• The third story is called "Ready". That probably rhymes with Teddy and not seedy, right? Although I hope it rhymes with seedy because a story called "Ready" (rhymes with seedy!) is right up the alley of a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader (rhymes with seeder).

• We all know Rose has serious Daddy Issues because she's a character in the DC Universe. But boy howdy does she have Daddy Issues! She's constantly trying to assure Slade that her vagina is closed for business! She's all, "I'm not stripping!" and "I'm not doing it to Richard!" And then she gets really gross and starts discussing "owning her own sexuality" and how "it's none of Slade's business." Then why do you keep bringing it up?! I know why! She's withholding sex with men she's intimate with because, in a way, she feels like she's withholding her love for her daddy! Because he never gave her any. So now she isn't going to give any to her Daddy Substitutes! Boom! Psychotherapized!

• Deathstork decides Rose isn't ready to have sex since she tells her dad that she isn't having sex. Unless what they're actually talking about is murder! Are they talking about murder? Am I supposed to understand that Rose is a Murder Virgin?!

• The fourth story is called "Closure" and it's the one where Adeline shoots out Slade's eye. You know that story! I'm sure you've read it before. There's this kid, Jake or something, who gets his throat cut and Adeline is all, "Dammit! Why did you let that kid, what's-his-name, get his throat cut, you dum-dum!" Then Slade is all, "What do you want me to do? I can't even remember his name!" Then Adeline is all "BANG" and Slade is all "Why won't my eye heal?! Stupid powers!"

• Christopher Priest or the Letterer spell Qurac wrong. But I blame the Editor! The editor is supposed to catch that mundane stuff. Writers can't be bothered with spelling things correctly! They're busy baring their souls to an uncompromising universe! They're busy flinging their seed into the barren wombs of the masses! They're busy metaphoring up similes to analogize their pain!

• Rose tells her dad she was "trained" by Nightwing. So she has had sex! And she's definitely a Murder Virgin! Mystery solved! Although the boy she was sleeping with was named Richard and she said she wasn't actually "sleeping" with him and Dick's name is Richard so was that Nightwing sharing the bed with her and not having sex?

Christopher Priest wrote it! I didn't write it! He said it! Not me! He's the one calling out stupid teenagers! I may or may not agree but I do know I didn't say it!

• I don't think "postmodern Faustian B.S. philosophy" actually means anything. Unless what he's getting at is that she's deconstructed sex in such a way as to explain that by not having sex she is somehow controlling others using a negative action while denying herself the pleasure of sex in a bullshit attempt to empower herself. Or Deathstork is the one spouting the B.S. philosophy that is neither Faustian nor postmodern!

• Although the phrase "like every other empty-headed nitwit teenager, you're too immature to know how stupid you are" is pure poetry.

• Deathstork figures out Ricky, the person who paid Ravager to stop Leon from killing Ricky's boys, took the papers for the hit on Ravager. Deathstork lets Ricky live but takes some of the cash to trace it back to whoever paid Ricky. I guess Deathstork doesn't like people taking hits out on his daughter.

• Ricky is a grandmother. I think.

• Deathstork analyzes the money and has a realization: Batman has money! Lots of it! The person who put the hit out on Rose must be Batman! And it's off to Gotham City so Slade can get his ass handed to him in his own comic book! What a dumby!

The Ranking!
+2! Whattya know?! A good Deathstork comic book! It's like that time that I believed something that didn't exist might actually exist and then pretended that it did exist even though it didn't! Except this time, it does exist! I think. This book is real, right? Or did I just hallucinate it? It's possible I hallucinated it because I seem to remember something about a "postmodern Faustian B.S. philosophy" and that sounds like something that I'd make up trying to sound smart!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #13

I was in a bromance once. We did a lot of brock-gobbling and brodomy.

The Review!
According to Lobdell's retweets of people who like his Red Hood Loves Arsenal comic book (because I imagine he retweets every single positive mention he gets), he has about three fans of this book. I'm a nobody and I think I receive more appreciation for my stupid bullshit! That makes me feel bad for Lobdell. Now that this series is over, I truly hope he's decided to recommit himself to giving a shit about his Rebirth comic book. I doubt that will happen since he's been writing for DC for five years and he has yet to prove that he thinks about anything he's writing for longer than it takes him to jot the script down on the back of a bar napkin. He doesn't even seem to remember his scripts from month to month because there is no logical consistency in any of the characters in any of his DC Comics series. I suppose that's the main reason he continues to get work. With no consistency in his characters, he can change them as editorial dictates come down the line. Anything an editor wants, Lobdell does. I'm not saying that as an insult! I'm just saying he's easy to work with and he gets the job that's needed done. It's just that that never results in a compelling story. And it will never result in characters I will grow to love. It simply results in a superficial book that I'll forget about five minutes after closing the cover. I suppose comics has always had a place for that kind of fluff so Lobdell fills a niche. Plus people seem to love Jason Todd and Roy Harper no matter how poorly they're handled.

The Commentary!
I must have slept in on the day this book was released because I don't remember everybody dancing in the streets, fireworks displays around the world, and the end of all global conflict as everybody was united in their hatred of this piece of shit comic book. I suppose that would only have happened if this comic book had been mandated reading for everybody on the planet. Perhaps it should have been! It would have been like Ozymandias's giant space squid exploding into Times Square (except with more deaths from suicide). Everybody would have been united in their hatred and their need to end this threat to their existence! And then when DC cancelled it, everybody would have been so elated that they would have forgotten their petty religious squabbles or international border disputes or terrifyingly militaristic national foreign policies! I suppose we would have had to take to the streets and kill all of the fans of this comic book but that's a purge I believe we could all agree would be for the greater good.

This issue begins with Roy Harper about to die! But Jason Todd has one chance left to save him! And that chance is a mysterious arrow built by a rockabilly genius! It's probably the deus ex machina arrow. Roy can invent anything so I'm not sure why he hasn't invented one of those. He could enter any conflict, fire the arrow, and save the day! What kind of rockabilly genius is he?! He's an idiot for not having invented one already!

Red Hood begins killing the members of Iron Rule by using arrows that negate the nuclear energy that gave them their super powers and brought them back to life.

See? Roy can invent anything as long as he can scream out an explication for what the thing does!

For awhile, Jason Todd was killing people willy-nilly. Then the editorial mandate came down to make him more likeable by not killing (which goes to show how much editorial knows because the only redeeming quality to Jason Todd was that he was the Batman who kills). Just a few issues ago, he was yelling at Roy not to kill. So now that the only way Jason Todd's writer can think to get him through this conflict is by killing the bad guys, Jason Todd must provide some Narration Box Rationalizations for why it's okay to kill this time. Here's an idea! Just let Red Hood kill without compunction! Everybody understands why he kills! Just, you know, write him better. Develop his philosophy and ethics and write the character based on those things. Just maybe make his motivations consistent. Is that too much to ask? Because having him flip-flop from one set of beliefs to another from issue to issue is just one of the reasons why this comic book is so terrible.

Just a few issues ago, everything he was doing was based on giving people a second chance because he was given one. But, you know, fuck that. This is different!

I have a question about Roy's nuclear spill clean-up arrows! What does he do with the arrows after they've been used? Does he have a "Send Toxic Waste Into A Black Hole" Arrow? Show of hands: who thinks nobody will discuss the toxic clean-up before this issue ends?!

Jason Todd kills all but one member of Iron Rule and The Joker's Daughter (oh, he also didn't kill Roy or Tara Battleworth, if that statement had you worried because you're a dummy or an Actually Nerd). It's at this point when Roy Harper decides it's his turn to tell Jason Todd not to kill and that they're better than that. Oh, fuck you, Lobdell. No. Fuck you, DC Comics. Why do you keep giving this guy work? And fuck everybody who likes his writing because you obviously don't understand character, cause and effect, motivations, theme, plot, paragraphs, sentences, words, punctuation, and anything, really.

Roy convinces Jason not to kill the last member of Iron Rule because of Mommy Issues. That leaves just the Joker's Daughter to deal with because she's about ready to blow Tara Battleworth's head off for huge internet ratings. Although, for some reason, the awful people watching this horrible live feed have turned on her and now want to vote her dead instead of Roy. People on Earth-Main-Earth are so fickle.

Roy uses his Stop the Joker's Daughter Arrows to stop The Joker's Daughter before she can kill Tara. I think that's a good thing. I don't even know why Tara Battleworth was a recurring character in this comic book. I guess it's that fickle thing. First she refuses to hire Red Hood and Arsenal. Then she sends them on a field test which they fail so she doesn't hire them. Then she hires them for a special job. Then she never wants to work them again. I think. I don't remember. Once again, a character shows no consistency in this book. Simply put, whatever a character can do to serve the current issue's plot, they will do.

This is how Harry and the Hendersons ended, right?

And that's the end of that nonsense. Except for a back-up feature about how Jason Todd and Roy Harper began their homosexual romance. I mean bromance!

It's not Batman who will wind up killing you when you head out alone without telling Batman where you've gone.

Apparently Batwoman didn't stop the crime of baseball themed bad guys committing robbery inside baseball stadiums. The guys Roy and Jason battle are called the Batboys!

They're not very dedicated to their theme.

I don't like to spoil the ends of comic book stories but I'll just say this: long, passionate kiss and a hand-job.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #12

The covers for this comic book have been terrible lately.

The Review!
This issue wasn't as bad as the ones that came before. It doesn't suffer as much from Lobdell's usually rambling, filling-space style of story telling. Can it be that Lobdell is better at tying up stories than creating new ones? That makes sense. What we have this issue is the revelation that everything that's been happening to the Heroes for Hire has been The Joker's Daughter's plan to finish off Jason Todd once and for all. Her plan is to let people vote on Roy's death to make Jason feel bad and to make people reading the comic go, "Oh, I get it. Because DC had people vote on Jason Todd's death." Since this is the final arc, I imagine the characters won't be dramatically changing motivations anymore, so I'm able to actually trust the story more. We've settled on Jason Todd declaring he manipulated Roy into being heroes rather than the other way around, a revelation I'm sure will not be explained more in the final issue. And The Joker's Daughter is crazy and evil and has always been so. So I guess I shouldn't mind that Red Hood unexpectedly shot her last issue before she even showed her evil hand. All she had shown up to that point is that she couldn't let go of The Joker's face! Maybe when Lobdell writes his Afterbirth version of Red Hood, somebody will tell him every month that he's writing the last story arc because the comic has been cancelled. Then maybe he'll focus and write more coherent stories!

The Commentary!
I keep thinking I need to somehow give Scott Lobdell a completely clean slate once Rebirth starts. But I don't know how I'm supposed to get past my bias generated over the last five years of reading his apathetic scripts. I think I might have to Roofie myself before reading the Afterbirth Red Hood. I wonder if my friend Doom Bunny still has any Rohypnol. Don't worry! He's not a creep! He was prescribed the drug while in Japan because he has sleep issues. I think if he had tried to bring any back, he could have been arrested for smuggling drugs. Hmm, that answers my question because Doom Bunny would never do anything that might get him in even the slightest bit of trouble. He once got caught stealing campaign signs from a neighbor's lawn while in high school and he vowed never to be in trouble again!

I don't want to have to drug myself to read Afterbirth Red Hood, so I'll just meditate on it for a bit and release all of my cynicism and penchant for being terrible into the universe before I read it. Maybe with a clear mind, I'll actually enjoy Scott Lobdell's writing! Although I think I'd actually need no mind for that to happen.

Currently, Arsenal is being held by Iron Rule who are asking the internet if he should be killed. Of course the internet is going to vote yes. Roy does know that most people on the internet hate him now, right? Thanks to his constant and obnoxious narration of his life. I believe Scott Lobdell thinks Roy is hilarious. He's not. And if anybody reading this thinks he's funny, you should fuck off right now. I don't need dopes reading my commentaries!

First off, he wasn't doing stand-up. He was just rambling. Second off, only hacks say things like, "I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your servers!" Thirdly, thirty-three thousand people is not "the entire internet." Fifthly, when did Tara Battleworth begin thinking Roy was charming?

Now, I said the entire internet would vote to kill Arsenal but that's wrong. Obviously he still has his brain-dead supporters who somehow can't see how horribly Lobdell has damaged his character over the last five years. So some people would still want him to live. But that's me speaking about a fictional character. I'd like to believe that if this were a real event in the real world, people would be voting like crazy to keep him alive. Because most people are kind and wouldn't want to be a part of murder, no matter how abstract. Of course a lot of people would still vote to kill him! That's because a lot of people on the internet (and by "a lot of people," I obviously mean "young males" and "older males" and "the rest of the males" and "all of my exes") are dickhole's dickholes. But I don't think there would be enough negative votes to outweigh the good votes. Although the biggest dicks are the ones that seem to have the most passion, so they'd probably create some kind of algorithm to vote to kill Roy about one hundred times every second.

While everybody in the DC Youniverse is casually voting to kill Roy Harper (which I don't think they would really do because how many of them have to endure his Narration Boxes? That's why I want to kill him!), Barbara Gordon stumbles upon the site and gasps, "Holy fuck! This isn't the porn I was searching for!"

Babs calls Roy while Roy jerks off to Duella being hauled off in a stretcher. That's good violence! Red Hood mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter have a lot in common which I've talked about in previous installments of this absurdity. He's trying to save her and all that because he got a second chance and everybody deserves one. But he mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter both chose to wear the Joker's old face. Why the fuck didn't Lobdell focus on that element throughout this whole Red Hood/Joker's Daughter thing? Now that's interesting! That's where the story lies. Not in this faux Jason Todd looking for redemption by bringing it about in others bullshit. Because that fucking crap hasn't been sincere at all, as proved by Todd finally giving up on her and shooting her. That Joker link is what this should have been about! This is why Lobdell is a poor writer. In his writing, he misses more opportunities than he takes advantage of. Mostly because he's busy writing superficial nonsense to just take up twenty more pages each month. He hasn't fucking committed to these characters in the whole time he's been at DC.

This is how I always answer the phone. It stymies telemarketers. And my mom.

I have to say, I can't remember when I thought this comic book looked this good. I'm digging the small panels laid out around a few bigger panels. It's reminiscent of Grendel when it was drawn by those brothers. I forget their names. Let me ask Lord Google. Oh yeah! The Pander Brothers!

The Joker's Daughter is rescued by Iron Rule on her way to the hospital. She's apparently their leader. It's a good thing Jason Todd shot her then, isn't it?!

Hmm, maybe you shouldn't blame Bruce for not being there to save you when you ran halfway around the world on your own. Maybe if you'd made better choices, you wouldn't have been beaten near to death and then blown up. Maybe, Jason Todd, you need to own your part in your own death and stop blaming Bruce.

Looking at that picture, I just realized The Joker has most of his teeth on the right side of his mouth!

The issue ends with Jason Todd finding one of Roy Harper's Genius Rockabilly gizmos that is going to save Roy's own life. It's not revealed what it is yet because Scott Lobdell probably hadn't decided by the time he handed in this script. I guess we'll find out next issue! The worst part about having to wait until next issue is the realization that I have to read another issue of this.

The Salvaged Hawkman #20

Have I run my Salvaged Hawkman joke into the ground yet? I would still be using Turds of Prey if Duane were still writing it! That was my favorite.

At the end of the last issue, Hawkman found himself thrown into an abandoned well.

More like The Melodramatic Hawkman, amirite?! "Hey, Hawkman! While you're down there, make sure there aren't any bones or anything that need to be brought up and given a proper burial to end some kind of horrible curse."

Tom DeFalco must have learned to write from an ancient wise clown that believed writing needed to be like clown make-up: big, bold, and over-the-top so the reader understands the emotion of the piece. So on the first page, DeFalco smears a great big greasepaint grimace all over the book so the reader understands how much pain Hawkman is in, both physically and emotionally. He even uses the phrase "an infinity of agony" just in case you think Hawkman might be faking. Nope! Not faking! His pain is infinite, bitches! This man hasn't hurt like this since he crashed to Earth on the night of the hurricane! Oh snap! How is that for foreshadowing! Or backshadowing? Flashadowingback? Whatever it's called, Tom DeFalco just rained down some hooks for more Hawkman history, so y'all better be as intrigued as I am!

No, no. Hopefully you're more intrigued. Because as a cynical asshole, I can't really bring myself to care.

Next Hawkman checks his messages on his cell phone even though "his body screams in protest" and "every movement" tears through him "like a rusty dagger." Fuck dude. Lay off the greasepaint already. I get it! Hawkman is a sad clown in pain.

If just pulling his phone out of his pocket is this hard, how is he going to get out of the well. Granted, pulling a cell phone out of the front pocket of jeans can be the most difficult thing in the world depending on how you're sitting. Climbing out of the well might actually be easier.

Then the Nth metal tries to ooze out of him but he strains to keep it back like a fifteen year old boy trying to keep from ejaculating into his pants during his first slow dance. Fuck, do kids even slow dance anymore or is all just anal sex right on the dance floor? I'm so fucking old. Um, anyway, the reason Carter doesn't want to transform into Hawkman is because he's afraid to begin crying once he realizes his wings may not come back. And he needs to save Emma, not cry in front of her. Or down the well in front of her, anyway. So he decides to climb out of the well as Carter Hall!

Good fucking luck. Have you ever tried to climb out of a well before, Carter Hall? I'll tell you, I haven't. So maybe it's easy. I don't know. I'm just a guy reading a comic book at five in the morning wishing that the breakfast place around the corner was already open.

Here's some clown wisdom for the ages. Be sure to use it to advance your career at whatever shitty office job you might have (or may eventually) find yourself:

I don't know how you actually fight beyond all these things but it's not my place explain the mysterious ambiguousness of clown wisdom.

Too bad this wisdom doesn't help with climbing wells because Hawkman's thought is interrupted when he plummets back down. Perhaps if he could fight beyond short, stubby fingers.

Eventually Carter Hall just cheats and uses the Nth metal to create a claw that helps him scale his way out. So much for "if he has to escape this pit, it must be as Carter Hall." I guess 95% Carter Hall is close enough.

Meanwhile, Doctor Phaser is shaken down by Emma for information.

Did the Doctor always have an accent or does Tom DeFalco have trouble with the "o" and "oo" words just like the entirety of the internet?

The Omniscient Narrator continues to tell Hakwman's story as Carter climbs to the top of the well. It begins with "after escaping Thanagar, he ran directly into the hurricane which forced his starship into the Atlantic." That's one enormous hurricane if it stretched from the orbit of Thanagar to the oceans of Earth! Immediately after that, the doctors renamed him Carter Hall and FEMA helped him establish the identity of Carter Hall because why the fuck not? And then after he was released from the hospital, he ran directly into college where he met Emma. That's quite the fucking synopsis! Thanks, Tom DeFalco, for boiling down the whole of Hakwman's history into six stale fart Narration Boxes. Now I know everything I ever needed to know about Hawkman's transition from Katar Hol to Carter Hall! It was all a goofy mix-up! And even though the story is lacking in details or Hawkman's feelings or his reasons for going to college or how he paid for it or which college it may have been or why FEMA is committing crimes by creating false identities, at least it clears up nothing else as well.

Once Hawkman crawls from the well, he calls Amanda Waller and asks for the Justice League of America to come help him out. As if Amanda answers to Hawkman. If it isn't in Amanda's plan, it isn't going to happen. So suck it, Hawkman. You're going to have to transform, wings or no wings.

Without wings, his life as Hawkman is over. He will now be transformed into a gigantic pickle.

Eventually, Hawkman emerges from his cocoon not as a gigantic pickle but as The Salvaged Hawkman from the cover! Nearly dying almost always calls for a new look. Also, Tom DeFalco must love the phrase "jolts awake" since he's now used it twice in one comic book. Also, the Melodrama Boxes inform the reader that Hawkman now barely remembers Emma but he may still love her. Oh, that's so fucking romantic I'm weeping rose petals.

The best part about the newly transformed Hawkman?

His gigantic cock!

The Savage Cockman, amirite?!

Let us take a brief respite from the action to enjoy the soothing sounds of The Salvaged Hawkman's action scenes.

SPWA-QWOOOOMP!

THWOOK!

PTWAMMM!

SQAA-PWOOM!

SPUUKWOWK!

SPWA-TAMM!

KWA-TWOOOM!

SPWAA-DWOOOM!

Ahhh. Wasn't that refreshing? And now back to Hawkman.

Somehow Emma realizes that this new Hawkman might possibly mean that Carter Hall is no more. The penis may have been her biggest, most amazing, drool inducing, underwear ruining clue. That's a double entendre! It's subtle and you may not have gotten it if I hadn't pointed it out!

Man, I just can't stop thinking about that penis!

Back to the fight between Hawkman and Blockbuster, Hawkman starts spewing a lot of psychological bullshit at Blockbuster as he beats him. And just like I subtly clued everyone in to my big penis joke, Tom DeFalco makes sure the reader knows Hawkman is not just psychoanalyzing Blockbuster but himself as well! Which may have been an interesting twist if anything Hawkman was saying had anything at all to do with Blockbuster or the human Mark that serves as his host! Mark wasn't trying to gain anything except a cure for his Alzheimer's and yet Hawkman accuses him of wanting power, for "exchanging his humanity for mere power" and thinking "power is all he needs to feel whole" and that he "embrace[s] it like a desperate lover." Mark didn't think any of those things! He was just taking treatments for his condition and then was in an accident caused by Professor Ziegler!

I guess he's not doing anything different than what most of humanity does. Judging other people through their own flaws and desires.

Just after Hawkman punches Blockbuster dozens of feet into the air, Simon Baz arrives to contain him. But he wasn't sent by Waller because Hawkman called and was in trouble. No, he was sent to grab Hawkman for a new mission. Just like I said. Everything is done by Waller's timetable and fuck you if you think you're going to demand something from her. Like, you know, life saving or rescue.

Hawkman takes this time to finally respond to Emma's ultimatum with a "Fuck you" and an "I'm outta here" and a "How dare you give me an ultimatum?!" Or maybe he just barely remembers her or Carter Hall because he sort of died and was reborn as Katar Hol. Or something. How the fuck should I know?! It's not any more clear than why he began Issue #1 with burning his Nth Metal Outfit!

The Salvaged Hawkman #20 Rating: -1 Ranking. Good fucking riddance. This comic book was a complete mess from Issue #1 and it only got worse, especially after Liefeld got his non-artistic hands all over it. For what it's worth (nothing? What does that even mean?), Tom DeFalco did improve the quality of the comic book somewhat. But he had the easy task of just putting it out of its misery. This is one comic book that deserves to be retired at Rank #52.

...my gigantic cock!