Lois and Clark #8

Do I really need to read the rest of these Prebirth stories now that I've read Rebirth?

The Review or Whatever!
I'm paying the price for making a joke about listening to Hallelujah while reading Justice League #50 because the song has been stuck in my head all day. Of course, I don't really know the lyrics so I've been making up my own. Things like "The cat is hungry, here she comes! She wants to bite off both my thumbs! She's down beneath my feet just trying to trip me! Pelafina! Pelafina! Pelafina!" That's my cat's name and not a nonsense word I made up. She's named after the mother in House of Leaves. I guess I'll just have to live with this song being a part of my life until I die.

I hope we learn the name of Superman's cat in this issue. Every other panel, somebody is all, "Ranger this! Ranger that!" But is anybody interested in the cat? Fuck no. Assholes. Although I don't think it matters anymore because the pets were dropped to their deaths in The Final Days of Superman story.

Jon has recently discovered he has superpowers and his father is Superman. Now he's going to be impossible to be around, just like every other kid who thinks they're special. I always hated those kids because they wouldn't stop talking about how special they were to listen to me tell them how special I was. Jerks.

Preboot Superman has rushed off to battle Hyathis who is cuckoo for Oblivion Stones. Apparently Superman has half of one in his Prison of Semi-Solitude. The other half was eaten by Hank Henshaw. Although he must have passed it since then because it's in his pocket.

Superman fights off Hyanthis who decides this fight might go better in the Afterbirth Universe. Superman goes back home leaving Hank with one half of the Oblivion Stone so that he can eventually become a menace.

Back home, Clark and Lois finally have the talk with Jon. The same talk Ma and Pa Kent had with little Clark years ago. So you know I don't mean the sex talk, right? It's the one about coming from space. But before, Ma and Pa Kent had to say, "You came from outer space, son." Now Clark and Lois get to say, "We came from outer space, son." They might even add, "And it's all your fault!"

This scene feels like a big fuck you to the writers of Arrow!

You know how sometimes you can get annoyed when somebody likes the thing you like but they like it in a different way than the way you liked it? And you're all, "You're liking it wrong!" That's how I feel about the way everybody hates Arrow. They're all hating it for the wrong reasons! They should have hated it long before Laurel was killed or Felicity and Oliver broke up (they should have hated it for them being together, actually!)! That show is a mess! The writing is about on par with a third rate soap opera. Every conflict is simply, "You lied to me! I hate you!" Then later that person loses somebody in their life because they lied to them! And then somebody lied to that person so they go ahead and write that person off. It never ends! Nobody understands why somebody might keep something from them! Everybody expects that they're the one person that should always know the truth! It was so bad in the last three episodes (I don't remember exactly what happened in which episode because I watched them all about the same time) that Felicity's mom was upset that Laurel's dad (I'm horrible at remembering names!) was going to lie to the police review board about not knowing Laurel was Black Canary. Who the fuck cares?! Get over it, you asshole! Let him lie to get his job back because that shit doesn't matter! I get that it matters on some stupid "we're on a television show and we have to make a point about how disrespectful it is to deny Laurel's heroic life!" or some shit. But holy fuck, I would have ended the relationship right there because that lie doesn't fucking matter! Oh, and god forbid somebody doesn't get the point that the last episode is all about hope! Better put in a mention about hope every fourth sentence or the audience might not get that Arrow is inspiring the people of the city and giving them hope! Fuck, he even gets them to calm down and feel hope with a nuclear warhead twenty seconds from vaporizing them. Talk about a time to actually have no fucking hope! The people of Star City are fucking morons.

Spoiler alert: Jon isn't trying to shit his pants in the above panel. He's trying to fly. And he does! Yay! And the series is over! And they never fucking mentioned the cat! Dan Jurgens, I hate you. You better make this right! I mean, maybe you didn't even know the Whites had a cat! I mean, a cat never made an appearance in this comic book before (I don't think). The cat was only seen in Action Comics by Tomasi and Eaglesham. I think maybe Eaglesham made the cat up! I bet the cat wasn't even in Tomasi's script! If that's the case then I think Eaglesham is my kind of guy! Fuck Ranger! I hope he gets hit by a semi! Bring back the nameless cat, Jurgens! Or else!

I don't know what my "or else" may be but it probably has something to do with me seething quietly and never actually doing anything about it until I totally forget I was mad about something.

Lois and Clark #7

This reminds me of a skin tag story I've yet to tell but probably won't have time to get to in this commentary. So forget I even mentioned it.

The Review!
Are we still pretending that I actually give a damn about reviewing these comic books?! I'm just an old person trying to remember the plot of fifty or more comic books every month and this is how I do it! But some people think review sites should actually review comic books so I keep up the fucking pretense! Here I go. This comic book is about Superman and Lois Lane and their son, Stupidfuck. It is probably not worth spending any amount of your finite life reading but then what actually is? If you like comic books with Superman written by a robot built in 1986 that hasn't been updated since, you may feel this is adequate distraction from your helter-skelter, headlong sprint toward the grave. I do know that I won't regret having read it if I'm given any time to have regrets because I'm languishing with some mortal illness. But that's just because I also read Ann Nocenti's Katana. That will be the thing I'll be regretting on my day of death. That and probably not dropping more LSD.

The Commentary!
My battle with the Weird Science Comics Blog is really heating up now! One of them has come at me really aggressively with all of this "Let's Play Nice" bullshit that I'm totally seeing right through! He saw that my plan was to forget about them and then he followed me on Twitter and commented on some of my Tumblr posts just to remind me that he exists and to pretend that he's a nice guy! And yet he purposefully and consciously foiled my plan of forgetting about them! What an evil genius mastermind of evil! Now I must forget about my plan to forget about them and work to destroy them forever! But first I'm going to read Lois and Clark #7!

Although do I really have time to read comics now that I must work to wipe pure evil off of the face of the Earth? Oh, of course I do! Even the mightiest of paladins must take the occasional break from their righteous quests! And who's a more mighty paladin than me?! So I'll take some really mighty breaks! After I read Lois and Clark #7, I'll probably play some Call of Duty!

Why must parents always lie to their children?

Two of the stupidest things DC has tried to convince their readers are unanswerable questions are who's fastest between Flash and Superman and who would win in a fight between Batman and Superman. We all know that Flash is faster no matter how DC wants to present Superman as the most powerful person ever and in every way imaginable. And we all know that Batman could never actually match Superman. Sure, Batman might reduce his heart rate and respiration and fall to the ground as if dead and Superman will be all "No! I didn't mean to kill you!" as he rushes to Batman's side where Batman proceeds to shove a Kryptonite shiv into Superman's liver. But if it were a life and death battle for Lois Lane's life, Superman might just have to fry Bruce with his heat vision from orbit. Better not to take any chances. And now that I think about it, I suppose if Superman were allowed to run the race against Flash in the same way Dick Dastardly was always allowed to run in the Wacky Races, he could probably beat The Flash. Right before the starter gun goes off, Superman can use his FWASH power to incinerate The Flash. Sure, Superman would lose his powers for 24 hours but at that point, he could just walk to the finish line. Although if The Flash is paying attention, he can outrun the FWASH explosion (by running backwards so he doesn't get a false start and get disqualified) and then run back to beat Superman easily. So I think The Flash would win no matter what. Or he could just time travel after losing, put some Kryptonite Marshmallows in Superman's breakfast before the race, and then beat Superman because Superman is dead.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it depends on the writer and the editor telling the story but if Superman beat Flash or Batman beat Superman, readers that day would set the world record for most people doing the Hand Jive at the same time. Although technically they'd just be making jerking off motions but nobody would have to tell Guinness that.

Jon agrees with me that Flash should be faster but for stupid kid reasons like things being fair and shit. What a little jerk! I hope he's forced to go on a play date with New 52 Danny Chase.

So, Jon discovered he has super powers last issue because he's got to be ready for joining the Teen Titans in Rebirth. He should fit in great because I already hate the little noseminer. Just to be clear, I don't hate him for any actual reason. It's pure bias on my part.

Meanwhile, Superman finally deals with the reality television drama that was only in the plot to delay him so that Jon could show off his powers and he's off to help save his family.

Welp, the Superman is out of the bag.

While Clark and Lois explain where they're from to their son, Clark mentions that their old universe is gone. Well, that can't be right! I thought they went back in time with Parallax and Flash and they stopped the Crisis on Infinite Earths from happening. I figured they chose to live in the New 52 universe because Golden Age Superman, after surviving Crisis thanks to the current retcon, decided to take up living on silver age Superman's Earth. Oh, who can tell! Hopefully Rebirth #1 is just a long note telling the fans that all of the stories ever told by DC are true and if any of them contradict any others then it's the fault of the reader's inability to see how they don't actually contradict.

The issue ends with Hyathis searching for half of the Oblivion Stone which is in Superman's Prison of Semi-Solitude. I guess that fight should end this series and then it's on to Rebirth where bearded, experienced, acts-like-Superman Superman will take over for fresh corpse Superman?

Lois and Clark #6

Oh no! Lois and Jon have been miniaturized and trapped in a scope! In other news, Dan Jurgens' foreshortening still just looks like a person with tiny legs.

Rating: I like to give Dan Jurgens a hard time because he's a robot and robots can't be insulted. Unless you translate the insult directly into machine code. That goes the same for compliments so even though I'm about to compliment Dan Jurgens for this comic book series, unfortunately he'll never get any Warm Fuzzies from it since I don't know machine code. Even though I dislike children, especially children raised by Lois Lane, I don't let it ruin this book for me. This might be the best Superman title currently on the shelves. I just put in the "might" to leave me an out when somebody tells me I'm a fucking prick for my opinion. Although I shouldn't worry. This book is about Preboot Superman whom everybody loves! Nobody would ever pick New 52 Superman over Preboot Superman! Although I'm still partial to Golden Age Superman (who should exist again since the Crisis on Infinite Earths was successfully averted!).

• Superman's mother's name was Martha. I'm reminding everybody of that fact now just in case it becomes important later in the story. I don't think it will. But you never know!

• Now I'm picturing a Citizen Wayne where Bruce Wayne croaks out "Martha" on his deathbed and Clark Kent must investigate the importance of the name. I'm assuming Clark Kent is a shitty journalist who is really only good at writing op-ed pieces on Superman otherwise the movie will be over in five minutes. I don't know what Bruce could drop while croaking "Martha". I considered Citizen Kal-el where Superman could be dropping the Bottled City of Kandor while croaking "Martha" and the World's Greatest Detective could investigate the mystery but I think it works better the other way, both for the parody name and Clark being a journalist. Also Bruce Wayne practically is Charles Foster Kane.

• Cora Benning, Lois's publisher, use The Hollies' "Long Cool Woman (In A Black Dress)" as her ringtone for calls from Lois. I suppose that makes sense since Dan Jurgens only knows music up until about 1986. That's the year he was built without any ability to upgrade his memory.

• I had to ask Lord Google about the lyrics presented in the comic book (which are just the title of the song which I wouldn't have recognized by name anyway). After hearing it on YouTube, I absolutely recognized it. I think it was used in Dog Food commercials.

• Intergang discovers that Lois White is Author X. That's probably why they shrink her and her son down and trap them in a sniper's scope.

• A reality show called Bad Ass Nation about supervillains screws up and puts people's lives in danger. That looks like a job for Superman!

• If 1986 had a reality television show, it would be called Bad Ass Nation.

• Another job for Superman? Saving Lois and Jon from Intergang! But that one is less important than the one where cars are falling off of a bridge because Lois can take care of herself.

• One of the reasons Superman loves Lois is because she doesn't need him. Batman is the guy who falls in love with people who need him. Or at least need his dick. Like Catwoman.

• Lois and Jon are about to die in a fire set by Intergang and Jon throws a tantrum. Fucking little prick. I knew I hated him.

• Superman is still too busy to save his family because he's dealing with Bad Ass Nation's mess.

• Why does the cover show a sniper trying to kill Lois and Jon when Intergang decided to burn them alive instead?

• Jon goes through puberty during his tantrum and gains his super powers that we all knew he'd eventually have. He probably only has half of Superman's powers though. So he shoots heat vision out of one eye and can only fly in circles.

• Meanwhile this happens to Hank Henshaw.

Lois and Clark #5

The moment Batman realizes there is a second Superman.

Rating: +1 Ranking.

The present day part of this story where Superman battles Blanque Check with the help of Hank Henshaw is average comic book stuff. But the beginning pages where Clark longs for Bruce's friendship was a sad reminder of the real meat of what was lost in The New 52. Let other comic book companies have a world where the public doesn't trust its heroes and the heroes don't trust each other. I just want Bruce and Clark to be able to rely on each other. I want them to trust each other. I want them to fuck. I mean, be friends.

I don't care how continuity is bent or broken with the coming Rebirth as long as DC finds a way to restore the friendships and years of camaraderie that were lost by condensing their universe's history down to five years.

Also, how shit a reporter is Clark if he thinks he's still a secret to Batman?! He knows the guy! The minute he used his heat vision to melt the arrow head that was going to go through Batman's skull, Batman knew there was a second Superman on Earth. And he probably realized it's one he can trust and might eventually become friends with which is why he doesn't immediately try to destroy him.

Lois and Clark #4

Why do adult coloring books have so many fiddly bits to fill in? Shouldn't it be the opposite? Kids have more time to fill in this shit! Adult coloring books should have fewer areas to color!

Rating: +1 Ranking.

This is the best Superman comic book currently being published by DC Comics and it isn't because it's starring Preboot Superman. I just want to put that out there before all of the New 52 haters make an inaccurate correlation. It's also the best written Superman comic book despite being written by Dan Jurgens! I didn't mean that as an insult to Dan Jurgens. I mean, not really. Maybe I shouldn't have said it like that. Anyway, Dan Jurgens tends to write comic books as if he's stuck in 1986. Perhaps that helps when writing this comic book about an older Clark and Lois who remember a time and place different than the one they've found themsevles in. Jurgens is a competent writer but one that I don't generally expect to write a story which will become one of my all-time favorites.

I hate that that still sounds like an insult! I'm sure Dan is somebody's favorite writer! Is his mom still alive?

Dammit! I have too many comic book enemies as it is (okay, actually just one, apparently)! I don't want Dan to feel bad because I can't stop saying shit that sounds insulting! Oh, who am I kidding? He'll never read this anyway! I could probably kick his dog with words and he'd never have to shed any tears over it. Not that I'd kick a dog with words! Maybe I'd kick a dog owner with words. Some of those people are just awful!

Anyway, now that I've complimented Dan, I want to offer a criticism! Get rid of Jon! I fucking hate that kid! Always asking questions as if he's the son of reporters or something. Ugh! He's just awful and annoying! I hope Blanque kills him next issue.

As an aside--because this has already gone on so long, I might as well make it longer--the brother from Charles in Charge started following me on Twitter. Now I'm going to have the theme song stuck in my head for the rest of my life. Not that it wasn't already stuck in my head for the rest of my life. But now I've been reminded that it's there and now it'll play inside my head twice as often!

I don't really use Twitter for much of anything except to post URLs linked back to here and to read the handful of posts from people I find worthy of my time, like Andy Richter, Molly Manglewood, Vanessa Ramos, Scott Lobdell, and others. I currently have 58 followers and 5 of them are "famous." I put famous in quotation marks because most of them are comic book people: Steve Pugh, Ethan Van Sciver, Gail Simone, and Howard Porter. It's possible they're just indicative of how often people accidentally hit the follow button on Twitter.

Lois and Clark #3

This cover may have gotten ahead of the story.

Rating: +1 Ranking. The Preboot version of Superman is the best version of Superman in the DC Youniverse right now. He's also the Superman whom Batman would probably be most afraid of if Batman even knew about him (I'm sure Batman knows about him, right?!) since this Superman works in secret and takes the law into his own hands. He's got a prison beneath a mountain full of dangerous aliens and evil monsters (if you want to visit, the secret code to get in is BIBLE upside down on a calculator. Hmm, so maybe he's the worst version?). Batman would hate an actual hero fighting for justice on his own terms without having to listen to Batman constantly tell him the right way to do things. How dare Superman choose the kind of justice this Earth deserves?!

Of course, not having to listen to a whole host of disparate Justice League voices actually makes this Superman effective. The only problem is that he doesn't really have a backup system in place to stop his prisoners from destroying the world once they guessed the code to open the prison. Good job, Superman! You fool! You should have consulted Batman!

I hope Sheba, the female version of Lobo created by Rob Liefeld, is in Preboot Superman's prison!

Lois and Clark #2

Hey Superman? Want some gym advice? Maybe spend a little more time working the arms and a little less time, um, expanding the torso? Is that a thing? Are there supplements to help "expand chest and rib cage width"?

I've come to the conclusion that I must not be a real writer. Writers love to say how much they hate reading things they wrote in the past. But I read stuff I wrote like this from the last Lois and Clark commentary...

Lois has been publishing books under the pseudonym "Agent X". She raises awareness and crap. Her new book is going to let everybody know that Intergang is bad. Whew! I thought Intergang was getting off easy with everybody concentrating their hatred on the Supremacists and Superman. Instead of emailing the file to her publisher, she meets her in a clandestine back alley meeting where they're spied by some eavesdropper with glasses. If it weren't for the glasses, I would probably recognize who it was.

...and I think, "I'm so clever!"

Technically I think, "I was so clever last month! What happened?! Why is my writing so much worse now?!" Shouldn't I be filled with embarrassment and angst that I'll never write anything mature or anything that matters?! Why am I content in making stupid jokes about Superman's Clark Kent disguise?! Why do I always feel stuff I've written in the past is better than stuff I've written now?! That's all backwards! Maybe this feeling of not feeling the same feeling that writers feel is the feeling that writers feel which makes me feel like a real writer feels?!

I actually do know why my writing was better over a month ago than it is now! It's because I had less distractions in the form of mindless entertainment which I wanted to partake in over a month ago. Now the new Call of Duty is more interesting than most of the comic books DC is publishing. Plus I purchased a bunch of Dungeons and Dragons games bundled from GOG.com and I'm replaying one of my old favorites, The Temple of Elemental Evil. And I've found another British "game show" of which I'm obsessively watching every episode via YouTube (Would I Lie To You with David Mitchell and Lee Mack and various guest stars). So it makes sense that I might look at the top of my comic book stack to see Doctor Fate or Doomed or Telos or Lost Army or Earth 2: Society and think, "I wonder if any of my friends are currently playing Call of Duty?"

One other factor that might interfere with how much effort I want to expend doing anything creative: I live in Portland, Oregon, and I work nights. So at this time of the year, depending on when I can get to sleep after working factored by how much I obsessively play Temple of Elemental Evil, I sometimes don't see any sun at all for days on end. That's probably not healthy for some evolutionary reason, right?! Is this how people eventually turn into werewolves? I also haven't shaved in a few months, so I don't know how much of my beard is "regular facial hair growth" and how much is "signs I'm becoming a man-wolf of the the night"!

The first page does not endear me to Lois White. Not because they chose the name "White" and their address is "1938" which really fucking seems like Jurgens is sending some kind of neonazi racist message via this comic book about the two most perfect people (one of them a "Superman") having the perfect son but because Lois Lane is still obsessing over Pulitzers and casually denigrating the jobs usually done by other journalists.

I realize this is the first year they spent on Earth-You, so she's simply adjusting to her new life. As a nobody!

Lois is busy lying to her landlord about why she can't make rent which is fine because he's a creepy motherfucker who will probably wind up to be Superman White's Lex Luthor. Superman is busy stopping earthquakes in Chicago by tunneling around underground, moving huge chunks of earth about, and fusing others with his heat vision. I'm not a geologist but I can't see how Superman is helping and not ensuring Chicago will have many, many future earthquake problems in the near future. But that's the near future! What matters right now is stopping Shockwave from destroying Chicago without Superman actually being seeing stopping him. I suppose he could play the part of Oracle and just send an anonymous text message to Earth-You Superman saying, "Hey, I don't know if you've noticed (or you could not have noticed being that I'm at home baling hay and I totally noticed just with like my super ears and shit) but Chicago is having some problems. Signed, Anonymous Guy With Super Hearing And That's All. Seriously."

Superman stops Shockwave by stripping him naked and leaving him on a roof where he'll totally have to answer to the justice system's rigorous punishments. Or maybe just the angry stare of the building's custodian when he has to unlock the door to the roof to let this guy in his underwear down.

So Lois would choose murder? Good to know.

Superman keeps Shockwave's armor so that it won't ever be used again. At least not until Jon Double-el enters that phase of growing up where kids constantly go through their parents' things when their parents aren't home. I imagine the Whites are going to have some difficult years ahead of them.

I hope DC simply created this comic book to answer all of the continuity problems of The New 52 since it began. Now with Superman White acting in secret and having the powers to do pretty much anything anybody can think to do, DC's only answer to any question on continuity can be, "Oh yeah. Superman White did that at super speed."

Lois, being the Pulitzer prize winning Narrator, continues to harp on how everybody on Earth-You is a mistrustful xenophobic rat bastard. That sounds vaguely familiar. Have I read that somewhere?

Meanwhile back in the present, some guy named Filthy Dick Chambers reacts suspiciously to the Excalibur Jupiter Exploration Spaceship landing rather safely when he expected it to burn up on reentry. Luckily some military satellite snapped a picture of the underside of the ship as it reentered Earth's atmosphere which seems to show the outline of a man amidst the flames. I'm no geologist but that seems to be a mighty low flying satellite.

I think the artist had the right idea because according to this picture, Superman had to be on top of the ship guiding it in so that it wouldn't burn up. Unless I'm expecting the ship to be like a space shuttle. It was just confusing because the army grunt said, "Take a look underneath." But then he's just a dumb grunt and we all know how dumb army grunts are, right?! Well, the crickets seem to agree with me.

At school, Jon Double-el has a run in with his nemesis Roman! But before he can accidentally punch out all of Roman's teeth creating Roman's supervillain origin story and why he chose the name Toothless Threat, his mom comes out of the principal's office where she was apparently telling the principal how to do her job. How sick must teachers and principals be with everybody telling them how to do things? Although isn't that the way with every job? Even as a floor cleaner, I'm constantly told by about 95% of the people I run into who have cleaned floors in their lives (roughly 100% of all people in the world, apparently) how I should be doing things. People's favorite thing to tell me is where to put wet floor signs and it always happens to be exactly where they're currently standing. I guess all of the other floor signs you simply fucking strolled past didn't clue you in to the fact that maybe wet floor signs sometimes alert you to the fact that the entire fucking floor might be wet and not just a small diameter of floor around the floor sign. Another fun thing I get to deal with is when I wax the floor of an open 7-11 and then have to yell at grown adults not to fucking step over or go under the barricades I've made to keep them out of the freshly waxed aisles. I suppose the concept of a "barricade" is foreign to most people. Or maybe they think it only applies to people who don't desperately need a fucking Twix bar.

On their way home, Lois and Jon are driven off the road by some horrible men. You can tell they're horrible because they wear all black, have dark shades, and carry uzis. Another big clue was that they rammed a car with a woman and her child off of the road and down an embankment. This is probably why Lois and Jon are hiding in the woods with a gun and a crowbar on the cover! At first, I just thought they were doing farm chores. It seems reasonable to this kid who grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area.

"Door's open. Mighta got out." You think so, Genius of the Century? Are you sure? Did you check the glove box or under the seat?

Turns out they didn't get out. I guess the dark glasses kept them from seeing that they were right there in the front seat ready to kick the other door open and knock the guy with hair out. That's why I don't wear sunglasses unless they're pink and provide me with a nice rosy glow to my surroundings. It's just too easy to be fooled into thinking that nobody is actually around you with dark glasses on. And also maybe these guys are blind?

More men with more weapons arrive on the scene to capture or, more likely judging by their enthusiasm, kill a woman and her son. So they're horrible too although they might actually see Lois since they've left their dark glasses behind. Too bad Superman shows up and murders them all in cold blood. Although maybe he just injures them gravely. He can't be as careful as I think Superman generally should be because he also doesn't want to be seen. So when he smashes the first guy's face into the back of the van at super speed, he probably didn't crush the guy's entire skull at all. And the guy he pulls down into a fist sized hole in the earth? I'm sure the ground here is soft and malleable. Although he is protecting his family and I think there's a saying about mother bears that might come in handy here if only I could remember trite sayings.

Everybody gets home safe and Clark lies to Lois about the men being Intergang and how it's her fault that Jon was put in danger. He also tells her there was no sign of Hank Henshaw in the Excalibur because that's probably part of the lie about the men being Intergang when they're probably government black ops guys who are on to Clark White and his hobby. I suppose Hank Henshaw is in the barn along with all of Superman's other trophies. Jon Double-el may or may not have super hearing and knows all about his family's secret life.

Meanwhile an alien with a nice boob is still looking for the Oblivion Stone and has tracked it down to Superman's solar system! I suppose with any knowledge of the Sol System, they already know where the stupid stone has been taken so why not just say Earth?

Lois and Clark #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. So far this is a Superman book where Superman is acting like Superman. Not because it's technically not a New 52 book like all of the New 52 haters are probably raving about while punching kittens that aren't the kittens they loved when they were younger so fuck those fucking impostor kittens. It's because the entire premise gives Superman a conflict that he can't simply punch away. That's all a Superman story fucking needs and then--guess what?!--you can allow Superman to keep his crazy power levels! Yeah, guys. It's that fucking simple. Here's the basic premise of this story: Superman must keep his family safe while trying to retain not just a secret identity but complete secrecy as to his existence. But he's also Superman so he can't help but risk all of that to keep helping people. The end. That's it! Sure, there are some aspects I don't like but they're more problems with the way DC has "Marvelized" the DC Youniverse. I'll never feel comfortable with a universe where the general populace hates and despises superheroes. But then I don't feel comfortable in my real universe (America, 2015) where large swathes of the population hate other people so much that they constantly vote against their own best interests. I guess they think they're voting for their own best interests which are mostly interests like "I don't want other people doing things I don't approve of and I'll wave my gun around as much as I want as I demand they change their ways" but in reality they're just voting for "congressmen and businessmen with lots and lots of money stuffed down the front of their pants because pockets that big have yet to be invented but just imagine if I invent them and how much money I'll make that I'll get to keep in those pockets which is totally a realistic speculation and not a total fantasy wank-dream at all."

Lois and Clark #1

Disappointed father. Alcoholic mother. Poor little Jon-double-el is going to be a mess.

Based on this cover, I think I'm finally going to talk about the art more than the story! Superman looks like he's trying not to shit himself or his fancy new black costume. Hopefully the black costume doesn't indicate a grimmer, more obsessed Superman because I don't think he can get any grimmer or more obsessed. But what am I thinking? This is Preboot Superman! He's going to be a fun loving, compassionate, patient man. Right?

This issue begins with Preboot Lois Lane describing the Justice League's battle with Darkseid after she and Preboot Clark had been on Earth-You for exactly one day. Um. What? Now I have to make sense of more convoluted continuity bullshit? DC Comics, can you please stop fixing your universe? You know how they say don't fix it if it ain't broken? Well, that doesn't apply to your universe. But how about this saying that I'm making up just for you: don't bother breaking it more when it's completely broken and useless already! Hmm, maybe I should take my own advice! Maybe I should just gaze down at the broken universe and all the extra pieces scattered all over the floor and shrug my shoulders and just accept that I'm going to have to live with this mess in my garage.

No way! I'm going to at least try to make some sense out of it before it's all explained when I turn the page!

Here's what I know: Convergence restored the Infinite DC Universe by changing up the battle against the Anti-monitor during the Crisis. This Clark, Lois, and their child went back to help. Apparently after they arrived and the Anti-Monitor was stopped, one day later Darkseid attacked and the New 52 Justice League saved the day. No wait. That can't be right. Maybe I should just let Lois Lane explain what happened.

See? She's such a great reporter that after one day, she knows this Earth is suspicious, doubting, edgy, and without faith! She'll totally be able to explain what's going on!

Lois and Clark and their baby squat in a dilapidated farmhouse. Lucky! They've only been on Earth-You for one or two days and they're already doing better at life than I am!

That's crazy! What a bonkers world!

Superman sits down to recount what happened during and after Convergence! I don't know how he can be so calm on a world without faith where Cyborg isn't a Teen Titan. I guess that's what makes him Superman and me just a guy who would already be dead if I had been transferred to a different version of Earth.

Superman's story is pretty much what I already said except after saving the multiverse, he and Lois were transported to Earth-You since their Earth was now different. Or something. Why they didn't stay on the newly saved Earth-1, only God and DC's editors know. And that's pretty much it! So basically Earth-You is a lot like Earth-1 in the Pre-Crisis years except without faith. But it has two Supermen again, a young one and an old one. So totally just like Pre-Crisis Earth-1!

Superman points out how the people of Earth-You don't trust their Superman which seems like an assumption being that he's only had one day to judge and that day was a day where the Justice League saved the Earth. But I'll allow him the leap of logic because it's completely spot-on due to the people of Earth-You sucking as hard as any comic book population has ever sucked. Bunch of xenophobic assholes is what they are. So Clark decides that he and Lois should just lie low and raise their kid to about seven years old without anybody knowing about them.

I guess this inappropriately pops the boners of people who ship Lois and Clark but I hate the little bastard already, trying to be all adorable with his stupid dog named Ranger.

Jon-double-el is a whiny little bastard who probably has bunches of people fooled into thinking he's the best thing since the Greeks invented the word "best" and began using it to describe everything to make their lives seem super cool and then then Romans invented the word "literally" which totally trumped those idiot Greeks because their life was only the best while the Roman way of life was now literally the best. Idiots!

Superman has been out acting like a hero for years while wearing the undercover Black Superman uniform. Oh, and guess what? His powers are fluctuating and he's getting weaker! Go figure. Can't have a Superman who's too powerful because then all the Marvel Fanboys get to say things like, "DC Comics suck because Superman is way overpowered. It's like how is anything ever a threat to him? It doesn't make any logical sense or anything. But like, I guess Batman is kind of cool." Also DC Fanboys probably like Superman depowered too so they can respond to their Marvel friends with things like, "Pshaw! That was the old Superman! The current Superman has like problems and junk and isn't as powerful as when he sweated that one time bench pressing six Earths. Now he can only like lift a motorcycle and people don't like him at all. They totally treat him like an X-person. You'd totally dig it." And then the Marvel Fanboy is all "DC movies suck Hulk dick!" And the DC Fanboy is all "Eww! I can't win that argument with any existing twist of fanboy logic because it's so true!" Then the Image Fanboy is all "Just wait until all of the Image movies come out! Then you'll see!" And the Marvel and DC Fanboys are all "You don't get an opinion no matter how strong Image comics are right now because Image broke comic books in the nineties."

Lois and Clark discover that Hank Henshaw is returning from his ten year mission to Jupiter. I bet the Jupiter Crew were five years into the mission when NASA let them know about Green Lanterns and told them to just turn around and come home. Lois and Clark are worried that the ship, the Excalibur, is going to crash and turn Hank Henshaw into another Cyborg Superman. Knowing how crazy this world is, Cyborg Superman will then probably join the Teen Titans. Wacky!

Oh he's so precocious and observant! He's going to be trouble!

Lois has been publishing books under the pseudonym "Agent X". She raises awareness and crap. Her new book is going to let everybody know that Intergang is bad. Whew! I thought Intergang was getting off easy with everybody concentrating their hatred on the Supremacists and Superman. Instead of emailing the file to her publisher, she meets her in a clandestine back alley meeting where they're spied by some eavesdropper with glasses. If it weren't for the glasses, I would probably recognize who it was.

Superman busies himself with making sure Henshaw's ship doesn't crash. He lands it safe on a Pacific island where a bunch of uncivilized natives can see the bright light fall and praise the gods. Ha ha! They're so ignorant and not American!

Henshaw survives but he's still in his space suit when the scene changes so he might already be a monster!

Meanwhile in a distant star system, some woman with a flaming sword is searching for the Oblivion Stone. I'd guess it was Maxima but she was already introduced in Supergirl and she was sort of nice. Maybe it's just a Magic the Gathering player looking for the final card she needs to create the ultimate unbeatable deck. Then she'll return to Earth, beat Jon-double-el in a Magic Tournament and make him cry. So then Superman will have to teach her a lesson! With his fists!

Lois and Clark #1 Rating: It's weird that this comic book takes place on Earth-You but I guess it's all part of DC's plan to continue to make their universe as confusing as possible while constantly freaking out about how they should fix it. At least it provides a glimpse of a Superman who is doing good simply for the sake of doing good. And a Lois helping the world with her writing without obsessing over page hits and Pulitzers. That kid has got to go though! What a little snot! I bet y'all like him, don't you?! Kid lovers! I hope his best friend at school is Danny Chase so I can hate the little shit even more for bringing that Scrappy Doo jerk-off into the DC Youniverse! I'm happy for a comic book with a seemingly reasonable Superman in it but it's still a seemingly reasonable Superman being written by Dan Jurgens and edited by Eddie Berganza so nobody get their hopes up! I'll rank this at #22 and let it fight it out with Superman for the best Superman book. Obviously this one is already better but that doesn't make it all that compelling. Unless you like Jon-double-el, of course! Which y'all probably do! Ugh!