The Man of Steel #1

Imagine trying to get fans rabidly excited about a new Superman event and the only adjective you can come up with is "weekly."

I've never read anything by Bendis (aside from that Superman advertisement in that twenty-five cent comic book). I'm only saying that because if Bendis Googles for reviews of this comic book, I wanted to warn him right up front that some writers haven't been able to handle my comic book reviews. Some reactions have been "I'm Cullen Bunn and you're terrible!" and "You're the meanest jerk and I should know because I'm Cullen Bunn!" and "You have no right to say those things about me, Cullen Bunn!" On the other hand, I have had some positive reactions like these: "I want to take you out behind the handball court and get you pregnant with my Gail Simone babies," and "Yeah, security? This is Tom King and that guy offering to suck my dick is bothering me again," and "I don't know who this guy is but I, Scott Lobdell, like him a lot!" In other words, there's a fifty percent chance that I'm about to forever ruin any chance of becoming Brian Michael Bendis's new best friend.

Maybe I should change that from a fifty percent chance to a ninety percent chance because before I even read this comic, I'm already biased against it. I can't stand any comic by a hot shot creator comes on the scene and knocks all the pieces onto the floor before shitting on Dan DiDio's desk and saying, "I'm going to do whatever I want!" Don't get me wrong! I like that scenario a lot! But it definitely biases me on the comic. I mean, are we really going to get yet another comic book by a writer who says, "You thought you knew everything there was to know about Superman's past! But you were wrong! Now eat it, DiDio!"?

Remember when Krypton exploded for reasons that weren't due to a genocidal cosmic maniac insisting that all Kryptonians needed to be wiped out to save the universe? That was before the first four pages of this comic book were published. We're in a new era now: the Brian Michael Bendis Era! Tell me how it really went down, Mister Bendis! I never did like the pansy ass passive way the world blew up due to whatever the Kryptonians did wrong. Too much fracking or sodomy or whatever. This is so much more exciting to make one monster behind it all! It'll finally give Superman somebody he can punch in the face to relieve him of his pain from the loss of his family! Not that he really focuses on that pain much. But he will once he hears the name "Rogol Zaar" and also about three or four hours of new Kryptonian history which should really get him wound up!

Rogol Zaar is a combination of Lobo, Battalion, and Perry White.

The part of the story we all still know because I'm assuming it's the same is that Superman escaped the death of Krypton. That means Rogol Zarr is probably about to learn that a baby survived and he's going to blow his frontal lobe. He's going to have such a murder boner going to complete his act of genocide that Superman is going to be all, "Whoa, dude. I think you have the wrong idea about me and my sexy body," when they finally meet.

In the opening scene in Metropolis, Superman makes friends with Killer Moth and Firefly. Then when he deals with a fire in a high rise, he imparts some of his mother's wisdom on the reader: "Fire is fire." So I guess in Bendis's retelling of the Superman myth, Ma Kent was a simple woman.

At the scene of the fire, Superman meets a female firefighter with whom he flirts. He's all, "You should call Clark Kent and tell him all about this tomorrow. Don't call Lois though! Lois can't find out Clark is talking to you and probably having lunch with you maybe?" Then he flies off and female firefighter Melody Moore causes more water damage to the smoldering building.

You understood that was a filthy joke, right?!

I'm beginning to see why people like Bendis. He has characters talk a lot. Talking a lot is always good. It's much better than characters shouting shallow one liners at one another in an attempt to fool the reader into thinking the writer knows what they're doing. In this brief post-fire scene, we see that Superman is kind and thoughtful and not averse to stepping out on Lois Lane.

Most of the issue is Superman and Clark Kent going about their day to day business. It's really all I ask of a comic book! Especially when those things are filled with conversations that build characters rather than first person omniscient narration boxes which tell the reader exactly what's going on and leave no room for ambiguity. Like if this were written by Scott Lobdell, Superman would have thought, upon meeting the firefighter, "She really wants to lick my butthole! But I would never let her because I love Lois Lane so much!" But without the narration boxes, the reader simply gets knowing looks and crooked little smiles and I think I might have noticed a slightly larger bulge in Superman's red underwear. Bendis allows me to jump to the awful conclusions I want to jump to rather than reining me in and telling me exactly what's going on so I can't have any dirty fun.

Filling in the negative spaces of Superman's life is the story of Rogol Zaar and how he wanted to destroy Krypton but the Council of Eternal Elders tells him he can't. He probably still will but that's for another issue. By the end of this issue, Lois says something that's actually funny and then Superman, Lois, and Jon all disappear in a fade to white. That's supposed to keep you excited for the next weekly installment of this weekly Superman event. So week!

Rating: I so wanted to shit all over Bendis's writing the way Bendis shit all over DiDio's desk but instead I wound up enjoying this story. I sincerely appreciate when Superman is written as a kind person with a subtle sense of humor and a raging hard on for redheads. Hopefully Issue #2 will suck so I can let loose this shit that I now have to hold in! Quick! Somebody get me an Ann Nocenti comic book so I can relieve myself!

P.S. For more terribly vulgar comic book reviews, subscribe to the E!TACT Newsletter!. It's terrific!

Kamandi Challenge #5

Kamandi, The Last Girl On Earth, is getting super erotic.

When we last left Kamandi, the Last Girl on Earth, she was involved in a death race style competition with the Kanga Rat Murder Society. It's just what they do with every survivor of a plane crash they find wandering the wastes near the Great Western Wall of Mystery and Awe. It's not surprising since that's what Australians currently do anyway. "Hey mate!" they would say in a really stereotypical and terrible version of their Australian accent (which is the best I can manage, even when I'm just writing it) "'Ow about gittin' a spinggrok on the kill-em-magoo?!" Then they all wave their dicks towards New Zealand, slam a beer, pretend not to see the indigenous Australians nearby, and spit, "I reckon crikey maybe gosswizzers fligarmalarkey!"

Meanwhile as I, an American, poke fun at Australians, they've enacted sensible gun laws.

I suppose the Kanga Rat Murder Society sit and stew in boredom most of the time. If Kangaroos can get hard-ons, I bet the collective "boing" of their rods stiffening when they realized somebody had crashed a plane nearby cracked the sound barrier, shattering beer mugs and didgeridoos all across the Outback. Now they get to chase Kamandi and Fuck Plant all across the Outback throwing boomerangs and whatever other weapons are still legal in Australia. You can't outlaw boomerangs because boomerangs don't kill people because people can't throw boomerangs effectively. I mean people kill people. I mean Kanga Rat Murder Society kills people. Also guns. Guns kill people. Also other things. Lots of other things kill people. But most of them aren't as effective as guns. Or the United States military.

This is Kamandi's friend, Fuck Plant. Excuse me while I research nearby nurseries online with my pants off.

I meant the kind of nursery where they grow plants and not the kind where they grow children, you sicko pervert!

To keep from being Kanga Rat murdererd, Fuck Plant drives herself and Kamandi off a cliff and into the sea. They survive because she turns herself into a protective womb to wrap around Kamandi. Kamandi thinks, "Am I in Fuck Plant's vagina?" They hit the water and Kamandi is knocked out before she can finish masturbating.

Three days later, Kamandi wakes up. For some reason, she isn't hungry or thirsty. Probably because Fuck Plant isn't just good for fucking; she's also entirely edible! She's probably been stuffing pieces of herself into Kamandi. Not in a sexy way! In a nutritional way! I suppose that's still sexy for weirdo perverts who get off on people eating.

Kamandi is eventually plucked out of the sea by Babal Crow, a sea captain who is also a dog. He is the captain of a paddle steamer. Get it? Doggy paddle? That's a good joke, right?! He doesn't call himself and his crew pirates. No, they're "Free Traders" who are loyal to no nation. Kamandi asks about Fuck Plant and Babel is all, "Oh cute. You fucked your raft? Good and proper thing to do. But we left it in the ocean because gross." Kamandi shrugs and gets on with her life.

After the paddle steamer comes ashore on some jungle continent, Kamandi winds up sidekicking with Raja Maccao, ex-wrestling tiger now turned world's greatest detective. But he's too busy to solve Kamandi's Challenge before they (or I!) solve it. They spend a few months wandering the jungle not solving any cases at all while Raja "Mack" Maccao tries to impress Kamandi with stories of all of his adventures. Kamandi continues to refuse to put a shirt on to cover her girl nipples. I continue to read this comic book in private.

One morning, Mack and Kamandi are attacked by panthers riding on the backs of various giant birds. It's like Elfquest Book Three all over again! Sort of.

To escape, Kamandi once again must plunge off of a cliff into water. Did Bill Willingham have a stroke partway through writing this script? I hope the cliffhanger doesn't have anything to do with Kamandi about to be murdered while near the edge of a cliff with water at the bottom.

Actually, Kamandi doesn't escape. But Mack does! He probably won't reappear until the end of the series. He did confess that he was searching for somebody but never mentioned who it was. I bet he was searching for Kamandi! Or maybe Doctor Canis. Or, perhaps, Doctor Vokolo, the lemur who can doctor! Mack was, after all, searching for somebody who could cure some stupid post-apocalyptic disease. Anyway, I suspect maybe he's searching for Doctor Vokolo because that's who Kamandi was just captured by. So the cliffhanger at the end should probably be solved by Mack rescuing Kamandi since Mack was searching for this place anyhow.

I might be getting ahead of myself though! With all the twists and turns these Kamandi Challenge stories take, anything could happen between now and the last few pages.

Doctor Vokolo needs to vivisect Kamandi so his 3-D Printer can learn to print human organs. Why he needs human organs when he's killing the last human on Earth to learn to make them, I don't know. I guess human organs will be used as replacement parts for the post-apocalyptic sentient pig people.

Mack does arrive to rescue Kamandi...but not in time!

Eep!

I think Bill Willingham wins for best cliffhanger so far! By the way, for those of you wondering how Kamandi is still alive without any organs, Doctor Vokolo explained it all earlier but it was too much technical mumbo-jumbo for the kinds of people who read my commentaries. I saved you a headache! Just know it probably makes sense.

Here's how I would solve this cliffhanger: Mack would force Doctor Vokolo to put Kamandi's brain into the body of a super sexy tiger lady. Then Mack would fuck Kamandi for nineteen pages. Then the cliffhanger would be Mack saying, "Oh no! My erection has lasted longer than four hours! What am I going to do?!"

Instead of having the essay by the previous writer answering how they would have solved their cliffhanger, once again readers are given a pile of dogshit from an artist who basically just says, "I loved drawing it! Whee!" I suppose James Tynion's resolution to his cliffhanger was just too boring and mediocre to publish. Anyway, next month is Steve Orlando! That's where we'll find out somebody is probably gay! Although why nobody came out as bisexual in Tynion's book is a huge mystery!

Justice League of America #4

In my memory, this is every cover of Justice League International.

The Review!
Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo! Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo? Lobo Lobo! Lobo, Lobo Lobo.

Lobo Lobo Lobo: Lobo Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo: Lobo, Lobo, Lobo, Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo.

Lobo!

Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo; Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. LOBO!

Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Black Canary's Tits Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo.

The Ranking!
+Lobo!

Justice League of America #1

Lobo tries to catch Ryan so he can shove him in his urethra.

• Now that Batman has his own Justice League of B-list heroes (and Lobo!), he gets to make the rules. He was tired of Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, and Cyborg thinking his rules were just "suggestions." And no, I didn't forget to leave Aquaman off that list. Fuck Aquaman.

• Now that I've said "Fuck Aquaman" (again), I have to wonder if Aquaman wasn't the entire reason Batman moved on to form his own Justice League. As the leader of the Justice League of America, he gets to recruit the members which ensures that no useless, fishy heroes will embarrass and dilute the brand.

• This issue begins with Batman justifying his new League to Vixen. "The Justice League watches from above. That's not good enough anymore. The crime needs to be spotted from below! And at eye level! That means regular people! Common folk, like gays and blacks and women and migrants and super cool bad-ass alien assassins. I'm the only straight white American-born guy on this team so nobody will outshine me!" Vixen listens and channels whatever animal is best at side-eye. Probably a housecat, right?

Stop exaggerating for dramatic effect, Vixen! You know the only people causing problems on the team are Killer Frost and Lobo.

• If I take Vixen's statement literally, I have to assume that The Atom is a homophobe, Vixen is a Hong Konger hater, Killer Frost is racist, Black Canary hates men, and The Ray keeps rubbing his boner on Lobo. Fine, I don't have to assume all of that! But I'd like to.

• Batman is all, "People need to see heroes are human! That's why I created this team!" Then he scoots in front of Lobo and opens his cape wide so Vixen can't see him. "See? Humans!"

• While Batman and Vixen discuss the philosophy of the team, Black Canary and The Ray are rescuing people from a burning building in Vanity, Oregon.

Batman just got done discussing how these heroes are human and here's one of the most human of them jumping out of a second story window clutching two people in her arms. I guess her Canary Cry helps with landing safely?

• Lobo is off on his own rescuing dolphins from magma sea trolls because, as I pointed out in my last review, he loves dolphins. Technically, does this make him the Aquaman of the group? If so, Aquaman should just retire forever.

• Frost and Atom are busy fixing up The Sanctuary in Happy Harbor. They're working on something Ryan terribly named The Troubalert. Get it?!

• While all of that other shit is going on, the team's first main threat appears in Saratoga, New York. And this threat isn't just a bunch of chumps! They took down the Post-Crisis Justice League International! Although, to be fair, a bunch of chumps probably could have taken down the Post-Crisis Justice League International.

The Extremists!

• Lord Havok announces that he and his crew have come to save Earth before it burns like his Earth. Some police immediately pull up, profile them as super-villains, and pull their guns. What kind of a welcome is that? Peace officers, my ass!

• After reading a couple more pages, I should probably apologize to the police officers and my ass. The Extremists idea of "saving the world" seems to be that one where they destroy everything and kill everybody before they can do it to themselves. It's not the greatest interpretation of the definition of the word "save," but at least it makes for an exciting comic book.

Lord Havok isn't saying anything I haven't already said in this blog. It's just that I don't burn down a city every time I publish another blog post.

• Lord Havok and I differ on our reactions to the reality that civilization is constantly just one step away from chaos. He sees it through the eyes of fear, the way a lot of American citizens see it. Too much freedom leads to too many possible chances for bad people to do violent things. I see it through the eyes of a cheerful optimist who thinks, "I could stab my neighbor in the face any time I want but I don't. And even more likely, he won't do it to me. I can live with this agreement."

• The Extremists have decided the only way to save Earth is to rule it themselves. That sounds like maybe they're not really too concerned about the Earth and maybe just a teensy bit more concerned with power.

• Thankfully, the Justice League arrives so I can make a stupid joke!

Especially if they're metric!

• The big fight doesn't start after Vixen has her say. Batman has to mouth off first! He's all, "I'm the Batman!" No wait. He doesn't say that this time. I guess that's too cliché, especially when the bad guy directly asks, "Who are you?" After that, the big fight starts! There are so many different characters that it might last six issues.

• According to the big first panel splash of the battle, Lobo is going against Gorgon. That's the only fight I care about. Hopefully it doesn't take place behind a bar and then Lobo's hand appears to grab a cigar and to indicate who won.

• The fight ends abruptly just as Lord Havok is about to decapitate The Atom. Batman calls a halt to it and trades his life for Ryan's. Not that Batman gets decapitated at the end of this issue. That probably won't happen until the beginning of the next one.

The Ranking!
Plus a jizzillion! That's as many pluses as there are sperm in one spurt of semen. Maybe a few less because Lobo wasn't the focus of this issue. But he was still in it so this is still the best comic book your money can buy. Also, this was one of those issues where the name of the story appears on the last page and I'm glad it did. This story was called "The Extremists" and that would have spoiled the surprise for me when I turned the page to see Lord Havok and the gang standing there.

Superman #14

Prologue to some kind of crisis of infinite proportions.

• DC Comics has no idea what they want their comic book universe to look like. Infinite Earths? Way too fucking confusing! How about just one? You know what? That kind of hampers Flash so let's give the universe some alternate Earths but not too many. Also, maybe we can call them different timelines which are totally different than alternate dimensions. But altering the structure of the universe alters the history of the characters and even tough we totally embraced having a world where both Wonder Girl and Wonder Woman coexist even if they were originally the same character at different ages, we'd better restructure everybody's pasts with some kind of zero hour re-origining. Oh, you know what? Dan Jurgens still thinks Booster Gold should be super important so lets do something with him and Rip Hunter to make the universe more interesting. Although more interesting also means more confusing so maybe we can fix some stuff by having Superboy punch the fuck out of all of it? There! Perfect! Except, you know what? Maybe we should just scrap it all and start over! We'll hire all of the shittiest writers from Marvel and tell them just one world with no alternate timelines and no time travel! Boom! Totally fixed. Hey. What the fuck are Lobdell and DeFalco doing? We said no time travel, you idiots! Oh? The time travelers are from a different future timeline where they can time travel? Makes sense! Go for it! I mean, Ann Nocenti is making Oliver Queen soliloquize on a rooftop so do we really give a fuck anymore? You know what! We do! We've heard a few vague whispers that maybe some people might possibly miss Wally West and the legacy heroes! Let's bring them back and restart starting over! We'll blame The New 52 on the Watchmen (read: fans) and be all, "Rebirth, bitches! This is the universe we wanted to write about but you all demanded something that sucked!" I imagine this whole Multiplicity thing is going to throw a few wrenches into the already broken machinery of the DC Universe.

• This issue begins with Clark Smith almost running over Russian Superman. Does this have something to do with Trump's presidency?

• The Russian Superman warns Preboot Superman that some guy named Prophecy is collecting Superman the way nerds collect Magic the Gathering cards. I only use that simile so that maybe I can work in how unpleasant Magic the Gathering players are. They totally are!

• To be fair, I should tell this story! An ex-girlfriend of mine (before she was an ex) and I were at the laundromat one day opening up some Magic the Gathering packs. The Dark had been out for quite a while but Fallen Empires had yet to be published. We were pretty new to the game. Some college kid (I say kid but he was about our age (I guess we were kids then too!)) noticed us and I saw him take off. We were near the Santa Clara University dorms and he probably rushed back to his room to get his cards. He came back and engaged us on the hobby. He saw our enthusiasm for this new game and was just as excited to talk to us about it. While checking out our cards, he gave us both a Maze of Ith from The Dark set. So, you know, not all Magic the Gathering players are selfish, unsanitary wastes of space. That Maze of Ith he gave me was the only one I ever owned, even after buying enough Dark pacts and making trades to finish the set.

• I don't like to offer evidence that disproves my broad brush statements! I'd rather just say terrible things and have people think, "What a fucking dick!" It's just more fun to write stuff like that! And if I don't care what my mother and father think of me, why the fuck would I care what some Internet nobody thinks of me?!

• Russian Superman escaped from Prophecy with some information! Not about who peed on what but about Prophecy's search for his next Magic Card: Kenan Kong! Oh no! Not New Super-man! He's my favorite! Asterisk!

• *: Kenan Kong is my favorite Chinese Superman and not my favorite comic book character. My favorite comic book character is Skywise.

• Prophecy collects his Supermen through the use of creatures he calls Gatherers. Like Magic the Gatherers!

You can tell they're from another dimension because they spell list with a y.

• Russian Superman came through the dimensional barrier speaking Russian. The Gatherers come through speaking English. Convenient!

• I bet they actually speak "Englysh."

• The Gatherers helpfully explain what Prophecy does with the people on the lyst. He processes them! He consumes them! He adds them to his deck! But Superman is all, "I have a punch and a hilarious battle retort for this whole lyst thing! Ready?!"

Ah ha ha ha ha! Get it?!

• The Gatherers don't seem confused by the mention of Santa Claus. I guess they know him!

• The Gatherers mention that Communist Superman is from Earth 30. So at least Rebirth is sticking to the Multiversity Guidebook. It's nice to know that the people in charge don't always throw out every good idea they have.

• Preboot Superman and Red Superman defeat the Gatherers just before the Multiversity House of Heroes appear. They have Red Racer from Earth 36 and Thunderer from Earth 7 and Obama Superman from Earth 23 and Lady Aquaman from Earth 11 and Mary Marvel from Earth 5 and Mecha-Armor Batman from Earth 16 and Abin Sur Green Lantern from Earth 20 and some Deathstork looking motherfucker from Earth I Don't Know. I'm happy to see Multiversity being picked up and used in Rebirth!

• President Superman explains that his team is called Justice League Incarnate. They protect the Multiverse from bad guys like the Anti-Monitor and The Gentry and Magic the Gathering players!

Boom! Nailed them all from the double splash page. Except Machinehead who is from the Marvel Universe Parody world of Earth 8.

• Kenan Kong is captured before the Justice League Incarnate can save him. But Preboot Superman manages to gather a Gatherer! They'll probably vivisect it to find the way to Prophecy's home universe.

• Elsewhere, Prophecy is busy constructing his deck. The next card he chooses is Captain Carrot whose power is consumed by Prophecy and Captain Carrot turns into a fuzzy little bunny who can't write comics at all. Probably. Also captured by Prophecy: Kenan Kong of Earth 0; Bizarro Superman of Earth 29; Vampire Superman of Earth 43; Prez Rickard's Pal, Superman of Earth 47; Super-Soldier of Earth 32; O.G. Superman of Earth 2; Lady Superman of Earth 11; Super Fascist of Earth 50; Pirate Superman of Earth 31; Golden Age Superman's super great grandchild of Earth 38; Super-branded Superman of Earth 45; Kingdom Come Superman of Earth 22; and Superman of the Earth One Prestige Format books. That's a lot of Supermen! Oh, and just for information's sake, Captain Carrot is from Earth 26!

• There will be a quiz.

The Ranking!
+1! Yay! I fucking love the Multiverse! DC made the biggest mistake of their lives with Crisis on Infinite Earths, even though it was the most exciting thing ever to be done at the time. The only fault with it is that the superheroes didn't exactly win since they only saved one Earth out of infinity. It was a much better idea (only thought of decades later) to have them save a few more than that.

Justice League of America Rebirth #1

Batman's mom made him a coat of many characters.

The Review!
Batman has probably quit more superhero teams than anybody in the history of comic books. That's probably a verifiable fact even though I don't know anything about the history of non-DC Comic books. I mean, Wolverine probably quit a lot of teams, right? I bet every time a new writer hopped on board the X-men, they were all, "Wolverine is a total loner! He doesn't fit on a team! I'll have him quit but then his Kitty Pryde Daddy Boner will bring him back because he actually has a heart (with an inappropriate boner!)!" Some of you didn't understand that sentence and are preparing to send me a poorly argued anonymous message. You can, if you want, but I'll just make you look stupid when I respond to it.

One of my main rules that keeps me sane while spending so much time on the Internet is to only ever respond to argumentative people once. That's because most people have terrible reading comprehension so they start arguments over things that were never said. If I write something and somebody responds angrily, I'll simply respond by either clarifying my statement (which I shouldn't have to do because if they missed the point the first time, they'll simply go on living with their assumption and completely ignore the clarification or think I'm backpedaling on my initial point) or simply tearing them a hilarious new asshole. It's not usually hilarious to them but it's fucking comedy gold to any nearby observers. On some rare occasions, I'll respond twice but it's always to the detriment of my own sanity. You can't engage with people who purposefully misinterpret everything so that they can be angrily self-righteous at the world. The trick to not getting ensnared by people who think they're great at arguing but are really just huge dopes is willpower. You just have to resist the urge to prove your point. You have to realize that no matter how clear you are, they just don't want to get your point. As soon as they chose to respond angrily to you, they think they've won. The fight is over. But they only really win when you devote any attention to them at all. I know it's common to say "Don't feed the trolls" but it works far better than people realize. They hate nothing more than people turning their backs on them.

Enough of that bullshit. I have a comic book with Lobo to read! Oh Lobo! You are the best character even though liking you is like admitting to unironically liking hair bands from the 80s! Liking Lobo is akin to putting on your spandex pants and your white leather jacket with all the fringes and heading down into the pit to mosh to Warrant and Poison opening for David Lee Roth. I don't care! I admit it! I love Lobo and Poison and high heel shoes!

Um, anyway, Batman is once again walking out on the Justice League to form his own group (although I won't admit to it outside of this parenthetical reference, he's probably just going to split his time between both teams). As I mentioned somewhere before, I would love for this to be a new Outsiders group. But I get how that would go against the theme of inclusion. Orlando doesn't want the audience to think of these gay and female and immigrant and black and bad-ass characters as outsiders. Orlando is stating, "This is America. These are the people who make up this country. Oh, and also a really fucking rich white dude telling the others what to do."

The Justice League of America (the better version of the Justice League because it has America in the title. U! S! A! U! S! A!) will have its headquarters in Happy Harbor, Rhode Island. It's the only time Rhode Island ever gets any love in fiction. The place is a disaster. I think the Crime Syndicate destroyed it. Unless it was the Manhunters. Who can remember now that this is Rebirth? Oh, and since this is the Rebirth issue, it will probably be twenty pages of the team sweeping up the cave and polishing steel and plugging the computers into power strips.

Oh! Before getting the team to clean the cave (which probably won't happen and Alfred will have to do it all himself), Batman has to recruit the team! I forgot he only recruited Lobo and Killer Frost so far.

The first person on the list is Black Canary's ass. That's a really decent first round pick.

Of course they always swing first! It's how comic books used to work! The bad guys were always bad. But then modern thought had to intrude and writers had to start asking questions like "But are they really?" and "What caused them to go bad?" and "If the bad guys aren't always bad, are the good guys always good?" and "What if we tear everything down and look at the whole superhero concept in ways that completely break the entire reason for the medium?!"

After watching the women fight for awhile, Batman makes his presence known. You'd think he would have tried to avoid unnecessary violence. You'd think that but his bat-boner would betray him.

Black Canary is already referring to Seattle as "her city." Don't you fucking hate recent transplants who go whole hog embracing their new homes? They're as bad as the local news who do ads that are basically handjobs for the egos of local residents. Here in Portland, one station has a promo that's all "Portlanders. We're thinkers and players. We're beer drinkers and wine tasters. We're super awesome at sex and we don't use umbrellas. We are so fucking righteously awesome guys! Watch our news!"

Batman explains that his team is a team of mortals and not a team of gods (except for Lobo, of course! Total god, that one). He also points out that Black Canary will be the team's conscience. I don't know how he figures that. I think he just wants to separate Black Canary from Green Arrow because he can. Batman probably hates Oliver Queen for stealing his rich white guy fighting street crime shtick.

Next up is Lobo who is hanging out in New Jersey for some reason. Maybe because his secret identity is Jon Bon Jovi!

That's a pretty good description of Lobo.

One of these days, I'm going to write a Shakespearean play about Lobo. It'll totally be easy because he's got that whole "stick to my word" honor thing which can easily turn his life upside-down. Too bad he doesn't have a daughter named after a sexually transmitted disease though.

So Killer Frost recruits Black Canary. Black Canary recruits Lobo. That means Lobo gets to recruit The Atom! I bet it involves human gauging!

Darn it. I wanted to see Ryan Choi inside Lobo's penis.

Now Ryan gets to recruit The Ray! I bet those two have a lot of fun together. Ray can turn into a beam of light and Ryan can ride him around! Probably. That sounds theoretically possible based on my high school knowledge of physics (which is mostly the knowledge of how many Gs the Tidal Wave roller coaster at Great America exerts on its passengers).

Next on the list is Vixen. You probably already know the list since you've seen the cover and possibly read all of the JLA Rebirth one shots. Vixen is currently hanging out in downtown Manhattan channeling koi. I guess she wants to suffocate? Oh, maybe it's some kind of catfish that produces electricity. I've never had one of those at Popeyes.

Batman tells Vixen that there is no team without her. That's a lie or else he'd have recruited her first! If she said no, was he going to fly back to Happy Harbor and call the whole thing off?

Now that the recruiting is done, it's time to call the first meeting of the Justice League of America to order!

I love you, Lobo!

Remember when Lobo first appeared in The Omega Men? Batman should have forced Lobo back into his purple and orange costume.

I love Lobo in a way that other people don't love Lobo. It's a special kind of love that most people don't understand. I don't care that he was meant to be an indictment of the grim and gritty mass killer characters popular among the moronic and stupid. Lobo, like Rorschach, transcended the authorial criticism inherent in his creation! Also he looks super cool and sexy, wears radical knee pads that don't make any fucking sense, rides a motorbike, looks like he's wearing clown make-up, has a butt-rocker sense of style, and is way into space dolphins. He's the fucking best ever.

Batman has a big speech that's basically "Representation matters!" If that's true of this team then Lobo represents me! He's bad-ass and great at math! I know I said I was not able to do math in a Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps commentary but that was a lie. In reality, when I walked into my calculus class as a senior and one of the nerdy kids looked at my cool-ass Lobo look (minus the clown make-up and knee pads), he was all, "What are you doing in this class?" I just lit my cigar and said, "Sit down, ya bastich." After I came back from the principal's office for smoking in class, I totally rocked that math!

There's an epilogue page that's not really an epilogue but one of those pages that was basically the entire story in Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #13 where it's just random images of future events to get fangenders and their crotches all worked up. This one shows Lobo and Ray about to kiss, Destiny talking to Killer Frost, Batman holding Liberty Belle's shield, and Ryan discovering Ray Palmer. Sounds super exciting!

The Ranking!
Best comic book ever! I mean, not really, but it features Lobo! Twenty stars! All the thumbs up! Fifteen tub girls! Super fantastic!

The Ray Rebirth #1

This comic just reminds me that I never read The Ray miniseries published at the start of The New 52.

The Ray is a kid named Ray whose father was the Original Ray of The Freedom Fighters. Unless it's different since this is Rebirth. All we're told for sure in this Rebirth Issue is that Ray inherited an "allergy" to light from his father. That allergy is really just a super-power where he gains energy from light. This origin story is his coming out story. Tired of hiding in the dark because he's different, Ray is inspired by an old childhood friend to embrace his true self and stop fearing what everybody else thinks of him. Especially the bigots in the Sons of Liberty super-villain group who want to keep their small town bubble life from popping. So they're all, "Ew! Immigrants and gays! They're ruining our town! We tolerate them in this town but only if they shut up and stay in the darkness! I mean, we must because the Sons of Liberty totally believe everybody hates them, right? Which means everybody will vote against this gay, biracial guy running for mayor! But, I mean, just in case, we have to stop him from becoming mayor to save our democracy!" Then The Ray saves the day by shining a light on the ignorance and hate!

What Did We Learn?
We learned that people hate people who are different. That's the general message in comic books and it's getting pretty depressing. I like to see people as being generally good-natured and willing to get along in a friendly manner. But the Non-Certified Spouse says I'm always giving people too much credit and maybe that's probably true. She's from Nebraska and I'm from the San Francisco Bay Area. Before all this talk of "bubbles," I had learned after traveling across the country and meeting other people that I absolutely did live in a bubble. But the bubble was one where people got along and differences weren't a fucking big deal and even in the 80s, the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade was televised on KOFY TV-20 every year. And yet now that bubble is constantly being attacked as if it's the wrong way of looking at things. If I grew up in a fucking bubble then thank the God I don't believe in that I did. Because I view the world in an optimistic way where most everybody gets along, and those who are hateful or bigoted are marginalized. You lose friends when you have those attitudes. You aren't respected when you cling to those prejudices. And maybe you look inward at some point and wonder why you're so angry and everybody else seems to be having a great fucking time at the roller disco. Yes, I grew up in a bubble. But that bubble should be the shining example of what this country should be. That bubble should grow bigger and be embraced rather than belittled and popped.

The Ranking!
Now that I've said all that, I think I've earned a moment to be super immature: The Ray?! More like The Gay, amirite?!

Suicide Squad #2

Hey look, Harley Quinn fans! Harley is in this! Pony up the dough!

The Commentary!
• Some woman from the NSA has arrived at Belle Reve to nag Amanda Waller and backseat drive her operations and Monday morning quarterback every decision Amanda makes. What is DC's boner for having Amanda Waller work side-by-side with somebody? Now she has to deal with this Harcourt asshole whose first interaction with Waller is "Your squad sucks and is about to die." Hopefully Waller doesn't tell Harcourt that something terrible always happens to the people working closest to her.

• Oh! Remember how the last issue said that somebody would die this issue as if the readers truly believed that one of the Squad would die when there's no evidence to suggest that anybody at DC Comics is interested in having characters die in the Suicide Squad anymore? Remember all of that?! I bet Harcourt is the one who dies.

• Another possibility? Somebody drowns in this arctic waters disaster but is then brought back to life with emergency first aid.

• Even in the security of Waller's Mission Control, Harcourt can't bring herself to reveal the identity of the "Cosmic Item" the Squad are after. And I say "identity" because you know they're on a rescue mission to bring back some alien whose power America wants to weaponize.

• Usually when I type "America", I replace it with "the U.S." or "the United States" because "America" isn't really the county now, is it? But it's so much more satisfying to just type "America" without any regard to every other country which exists in North and South America.

• While Amanda deals with her new pain in the ass, Deadshot deals with his old one.

"I'll boomerang anything!" is such a fucking ridiculous thing to say that I laughed out loud. I love Captain Boomerang!

• Rick Flag, Deadshot, and Captain Boomerang make it aboard the Russian facility where the Cosmic Item is being held. Flag is annoyed that he lost Katana, Harley Quinn, Killer Croc, and Enchantress but it's not like it was his fault or anything. No wait! It was his fault! He would have only lost Killer Croc if he hadn't fucked up the drop ship's balance by trying to save Killer Croc. Plus, Killer Croc probably wouldn't have choked on his own vomit. He's a crocodile! I don't think they can choke on stuff!

• Plus, the others didn't die! They arrive just seconds later with Croc clutching them all in his claws. Because he's good at swimming and holding his breath and clutching women! What a hero!

• Incredibly, the Russians are alerted to the breach in the hull of their submerged base and come investigating with their best investigative tools: AK-47s! See? They're not only good for killing humans and compensating for tiny wieners! They're also good for finding people who have broken into your complex and killing them! Oh! Never mind. That falls under the killing humans thing. So I guess their only other use is to compensate.

I don't care about Harley's out-of-place rant on neoliberalism; I just loved Digger's well-timed and accurate boomerang throw.

• I'm eight pages into the story and it's just getting good! That probably means I'm nearing the end of Jim Lee's page count for the month. Can somebody teach that guy how to draw faster? And maybe how not to draw so many lines on people's faces?

• Once all of the guards' families have lost their probable sole source of income and will now lose their home, get kicked out in the snow, and starve if they don't freeze first, the Suicide Squad continue searching for the Cosmic Item. Apparently the best way to find its location in the legendary sounding Black Vault is to free a Harley Quinn fan named Hack. What the fuck is she doing in a Russian prison?! What kind of huge mistake did she get caught up in that brought her here? Probably another version of the Suicide Squad, right?

• Hack turns the Squad into digital information so that they can travel via data streams and arrive instantaneously in The Black Vault. Captain Boomerang shits himself which he, apparently, tends to do quite often. He's pretty nonchalant about the whole thing which leads me to believe he's a raging alcoholic and shitting himself is just a normal occurrence in his life.

• The Cosmic Item seems to be a piece of the Phantom Zone which Captain Boomerang decides to investigate for some reason totally out of his character. Which is why he winds up a smoking pair of boots as a blast shoots out of the sphere. It either completely annihilates him (the death promised from last issue!) or he's just been knocked out of his boots by the blast and sucked into the Phantom Zone. It's hard to tell because would DC Comics allow Captain Boomerang to die so quickly in Rebirth? I'm thinking...yeah, probably! I mean, now they can replace him with a lesbian Boomerang! Win/win/win!

• The person climbing out of the Phantom Zone sphere is Zod. You can tell it's Zod because he says, "Kneel before Zod." And I can't think of anybody but Zod who has ever or would ever say that. Aside from about fifty thousand nerds who probably think they're funny and say it daily.

• The Suicide Squad probably can't beat Zod but I won't find out until next month because the comic book just ran out of Jim Lee finished pages. Time for the filler story!

• The filler story is about Captain Boomerang. So it's either an epitaph to his life or a story which will introduce everybody to his perky, younger lesbian sister.

See? This is why he's constantly shitting himself! Too much lager and curry!

• Digger also mentions having IBS. So, there you go. Totally nonchalant about shitting himself.

• Captain Boomerang tells a hilarious lie to Amanda Waller about his past. She knows it's a lie but she's trying to get to some kind of truth about his motives and desires. The only thing I learn from his story is that Perth is the Cleveland of Australia!

• Apparently Captain Boomerang's entire backstory is this: he has Daddy Issues. That's surprising! Although I feel like I've heard that backstory before? Hmm. Oh well! That's the end! Hopefully not of Captain Boomerang though! That death has to be another one of those fake out deaths, right?! Digger probably boomeranged himself back into Hack's digital network, right? Or he boomeranged himself out of his boots just in the nick of time! Or he...he...he's dead, isn't he?! BWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

The Review!
Big deal! So Rob Williams killed a member of the Suicide Squad! What a tough guy! What a big shot! What a fucking jerk! How dare he kill of Captain Boomerang?! What was he thinking?! Is it because he just didn't like Digger's carefree, chaotic attitude?! Is that why he decided to kill him off in the same issue that he made it canon that he shits himself?! People talk about writers Mary Suing shit but what do you call it when you take out your anger and hatred of a character by embarrassing them and then killing them? What do you call that?! I call it petty and sad! How's that for a review, Mr. Williams?!

Ranking: +2! What can I say?! He actually killed somebody and I fucking loved the filler story!

Batman #6

Finch to King: "Do you mind if I do a rapey cover?" King to Finch: "Yes!" D. Finch to M. Finch: "He said yes!"

The Facts!
• For those of you who don't understand language, the previous caption is a misunderstanding between an imaginary Tom King and a less imaginary David Finch. It is not actually an imaginary Tom King agreeing with a not really that imaginary at all David Finch.

• Tom King wrote The Omega Men which was a fantastic piece of writing. The fact that it was also a comic book is practically inconceivable unless you have a history of reading comic books by Warren Ellis, Neil Gaiman, Alan Moore, and me. Although I hope you haven't read my comic books because that would mean you've broken into the secret shoe box underneath my bed. Tom King also co-wrote Grayson which was one of the best comic books DC Comics has published in years. Tom King writes The Sheriff of Babylon which is so smart that I don't even understand it. Tom King writes The Vision which is, I've heard, an excellent book as well (I'll read it when his twelve issue run is collected!). That's a lot of comic book acclaim to have garnered in the year or two in which Tom King has been writing comic books. He also wrote some superhero novel which I should probably read because it supposedly has comic book pictures in it. I don't want people thinking I read actual books without cartoons in them! That's why my Tumblr page where I discuss fancy books is a mystery.

• I sucked Tom King's dick pretty long and hard there, didn't I?! Well guess what, Tom King! I'm walking away before you come! Because your run on Batman stinks!

• I wanted to end that last bullet point sounding as if I were fed up with Tom King's Batman but that isn't actually true. I like a lot of stuff about it but the entirety of the Gotham story either lacked the subtlety I enjoy or it was too subtle for me and so I missed how brilliant it was and now I'm probably embarrassing myself by criticizing it! Maybe I should reread it before pointing out the bits I hated! Any decent critic would surely do that, just to give it a chance. I'm glad I don't consider myself a decent critic or else I'd have to dig out the last five issues and try to reread them in a different context!

• Dammit! I hate myself because I'm going to reread them now. What happened to the lazy, arrogant, fly-by-the-torn-seat-of-his-pants reviewer who first began this blog five years ago?! I guess that fucker is dead. Ptui! Good riddance!

• Okay! I've finished rereading it and I enjoyed it a lot! I think about Issue #4, the story suffers from being told too quickly. A bunch of things happen that really should have been allowed to take place over a full issue or two instead of being crammed into one or two pages. But I feel like rereading it allowed me to not care so much about the glaring faults in pacing which I obsessed over last time and let me see the bigger picture. I think.

• As I've so brilliantly and eloquently pointed out before, Gotham the superhero is a metaphor for Gotham the City. I know, I know! I probably just blew a few minds with that revelation. But what I wasn't seeing before was that "being Gotham" means also being dark and murderous and dangerous and confused and scared and everything else. So of course Gotham wants to save Gotham. But by taking on the name, he also becomes the thing which needs to be saved from itself! That's pretty much why he can't survive. Even Batman admits at one point that Gotham can't be saved. I don't think Batman means that in a pessimistic belief that the city can't be saved. I think he means it in a self-destructive way in that he can't be saved. Batman is Gotham and, one day, Gotham will kill him. Then it will kill Dick. And then Damian. One after the other, Gotham will defeat them and there will be nobody left to save Gotham and Gotham will lose the fight for survival. Which--and this is an important bit--is why Batman wanted so much to believe that Gotham and Gotham Girl would be the city's ultimate saviors. Sometimes super bad things happen to the city and Batman can't fight those things without super powers. He often does his best but he knows, one day, much like the plane crash that almost killed him, something will take his life and he'll give it gladly. So a couple of super kids whose parents tell him are really great kids come along? Of course Batman is going to allow himself to believe they'll help keep the people of Gotham safe. He even tells the Gotham Kids' parents how much they remind him of some other great parents he once knew. Batman is willing to trust his emotions to help him figure out how to keep Gotham safe. Ultimately, this fails him due to Gotham's emotions being manipulated and turning him into a monster. Which just proves to Batman that he's been right all along in crushing the emotions of all of the Bat-kids any chance he could get!

• I wonder how much Tom King had to compact this story due to the whole Monster Men thing being planned to, almost certainly, coincide with the new season of Gotham beginning? I have a feeling that timetable caused the majority of problems I have with this story.

• Anyway, The Monster Men are coming soon because Hugo Strange and Psycho-Pirate were never apprehended at the end of the "I Am Gotham" story. Until that story begins (which could be now? I don't know when it begins and I have yet to open this issue!), I think we might have some Gotham Girl Year One stuff to get through. My prediction is it begins with Gotham Girl in a towel! No wait! I retract that prediction because David Finch isn't the interior artist!

If this had been Finch, Gotham Girl would have been in a towel for sure! Or her underwear! Or maybe naked but with cut hair falling about and hiding all the interesting bits!

• Gotham Girl really is young if she thinks that qualifies as a great joke. It doesn't even have any swear words or Jesus in it!

• This is the "I Am Gotham" epilogue. That probably means The Monster Men will be coming all over the place next issue.

• Even though Gotham Girl dies a little faster when she uses her super powers, she continues to act like a hero protecting Gotham. Just like Batman, she and her brother were also willing to die to save the city. Just in a completely different way. I wonder if Gotham and Gotham Girl bought their powers from Kobra?

• Gotham Girl stops a villain named Colonel Blimp who is really into ransoming submarines. I will admit that I looked up Colonel Blimp in the old Who's Whos comic books. You know, just to make sure he wasn't new. He wasn't in them. It's still possible he's an old villain who just wasn't popular enough to make the Who's Who but who people remember from that one issue he appeared in fifty years ago.

• Gotham Girl flies around talking to Hank constantly. It's beginning to trouble Batman. He already had one super powered person flip the fuck out and almost destroy his city. The worst part is he had to call in the Justice League for help. They'll never let him live that down now!

• Duke's penis tells Duke that they need to save Gotham Girl. So Duke tells Batman that they need to save Gotham Girl. Batman already knows that they need to save Gotham Girl. So I guess Duke's penis's plan is going to be put into action.

• This issue begins by recounting several days in Gotham Girl's week. So it's all Monday! Then Tuesday! Then the next one! Then Thursday! It reminds me how Batman Rebirth #1 was all about the passing of time and how Batman stories are cyclical. And then Tom King brought in Solomon Grundy to do his weekday chant. And now this? I think there's a theme happening!

• Batman tries to talk to Gotham Girl but she flies off giggling about meeting Batman. So he turns to Alfred for help.

Rebirth Alfred is the fucking sassiest motherfucker! I love it!

• Alfred has had some really snarky shit to say since Tom King took over. He really gets Alfred's "I think I've given enough fucks and yet he still chooses to worry me into an early grave" attitude.

• On Saturday, Kite-man decides maybe he's not so shitty that he doesn't deserve a little Rebirth moment himself. Which makes me think Colonel Blimp and Captain Stingaree are a couple old bottom-of-the-barrel Batman villains as well. Plus Captain Stingaree is really ringing a bell. It's a bell I've lost somewhere deep in my subconscious but I'm fairly certain I hear it ringing. It's either that or the tinnitus.

• Batman finally gets Gotham Girl...Claire to settle down for a moment. He reveals who he is and what he suffered as a ten year old boy. And how he still feels the urge to talk to his mother. And Claire hugs him and cries and simply misses her brother.

• You know what? It's nice to have an epilogue to a story where a hero dies that deals with mourning. Fuck just glossing over that shit like often happens. Or sometimes it's just done in a hacky way that tries to appeal to the reader's emotions. This one doesn't do that. This story takes its time in the way mourning sometimes does. I'd put it right up there with some of the best Requiem issues that followed Damian's death.

• The epilogue to the epilogue story makes me hate the idea of The Monster Men story arc because it's keeping me from immediately experiencing the next story arc which is the one I want to read: Batman joins the Suicide Squad to invade Santa Prisca in hopes of retrieving the Psycho-Pirate from Bane's clutches! Goddamit, Monster Men Story! You had better be fucking good for making me wait for another Batman working with the Suicide Squad story! I hope it's as good as Ostrander's!

The Opinions!
I will readily admit that some of "The Facts" are also opinions. But they're more comments on the facts and since my comments and opinions are practically facts anyway, it all seems to work out! But this part is where I really let my opinions fly! So if you don't like sexist, racist, homophobic, anti-animal comments, don't worry! You probably won't get any of that here! Anyway, I loved this issue. And after rereading the first five issues, I loved so much about those that I'm just going to blame the flaws on the editors and DC management! This was a touching story about a person mourning the loss of her brother. It's also a Batman story with a really good Alfred moment! So don't worry that you won't get some Batman story in your mourning story! Because it's there. Since, you know, Batman went through this same thing a few years ago!

Rating!
+3!

DC Universe Rebirth #1

First there was the Pre-Crisis Universe. Then the Post-Crisis Universe. Then the Zero Hour Touch-up Universe. Then there was the 2000s with about two dozen crises. That became the Preboot Universe. Then came the Reboot Universe. Then the DC Youniverse. Now after Rebirth, it will be the Afterbirth Universe.

The Review!
I can live with this change. I can't say for sure but it sounds like DC Comics is finally taking my advice that I've been giving for free for five years now and decided to go with a really loose continuity. Everything happened if a writer wants the thing from the past to have happened and wants to use it in their story. And since Wally keeps mentioning how he's forgetting things, he's helping frame the universe in a way that defies explanation. "Well how did that come about?" "I don't remember! Because if I remembered, it wouldn't make any fucking sense!" This is the kind of continuity I like. You know what? Forget even that word: continuity. It's history. It's the history of the DC Universe that makes the characters who they are and DC is once again acknowledging it. Let the Fangenders who need a consistent world that makes sense day by day struggle for a change. I just want to be able to read a comic book and think, "This is the world where Shade the Changing Man took place. At least until he got the Vertigo label, I guess! Same with Doom Patrol! I can now have the Cliff Steele who was friends with Crazy Jane and mentor to Dorothy Spinner. Although Booster Gold is still AWOL. Maybe he'll be the final fix to the universe. Actually, if Booster Gold were the Narrator in this comic book and it was Ted Kord who remembered him and brought him back, I might have actually cried. But as it was, I don't really have any emotional attachment to any Flash that ever existed. All in all, I like the direction the DC Universe is headed. I mean, since it's a universe, it's headed in all directions. Which isn't exactly true either because it's just expanding but not really moving! Or something.

The Commentary!
This comic book has a lot of pages for just $2.99! I don't mean that as praise that DC has held the line at $2.99 because they really haven't. They only do it when it suits them. Like with Rebirth! This is like handing out ecstasy at the local Junior High School. You know those kids won't be able to spend their lunch money fast enough for more of that shit. Of course, if the comic book is awful, DC could give this away with free hand-job or digital manipulation and nobody will be back for more. Hmm, even I wasn't convinced by that. If I got a free hand-job with this comic book, I'd ask my local comic book store to order more.

Okay, I'm going to take a serious guess as to whose hand is coming out of that bright light! I'm not going to make a bunch of jokes just to cover for my ignorance so that afterward I could be all, "Oh, ha ha! My guess was so obviously a joke because I totally knew who it was but who wants to read page after page of me bragging about my Grand Master Comic Book Reader status?! My guess is...

Jonni DC!

It would be just like Johns to turn Jonni DC into a dramatic character whose much more important than anybody first suspected! If I'm wrong, I'll never do what I would have said I was going to do here anyway so I'm just going to forget I said it.

The issue begins with somebody talking about a watch they received from their uncle which had been in the family for generations. Is Geoff Johns trying to make us think of things shoved up people's asses on purpose? That would make a good category on Jeopardy. I bet I'd do really well with that category.

The Narration Boxes are yellow and red so I'm going to guess they're Wally West's thoughts. Plus the Narrator mentions meeting a hero and becoming a legacy. Also because fans of Wally West have never been able to shut up about his disappearance from the DC Universe. Are there worse fans out there than Wally West fans? Of course! Look at the barely human monsters who like Deathstroke! Wally West fans are just over-enthusiastic! And whiny!

Nonexistent Wally West has decided that maybe Batman can help the DC Youniverse remember him because Batman can do anything. But Batman is currently obsessing over The Joker. Better yet, he's obsessing over three Jokers! This must be Batman's best day ever! Finding out there were three Jokers! My theory is that Rebirth is going to allow all events in DC's history to be part of continuity. Nothing has been labeled an Impossible Tale. Nothing has been Retconned. Nothing has been forgotten and thrown into the bin. It can all be referenced because it all happened. How it all happened doesn't fucking matter, you nerds! Just let it be! Let it all lie in a big disgusting mess on the floor like some forgotten, vile, stinking Afterbirth. Oh yeah! I mentioned my theory to continue with the three Jokers thing! I bet it's Geoff Johns way of explaining the various Joker-type stories. You have Joker stories where he's just a goofy flirt. And you have Joker stories where he's a dangerous, murdering, maniacal madman. And you have Joker stories where he puts things up Commissioner Gordon's butt while taking pictures. Hmm, maybe that falls into one of the first two categories. Anyway, I think you can probably think up a third type of Joker story better than I can because I'm barely paying attention to anything. I mean, I just farted a really long fart and am still giggling about it.

Great. The tomato goblin is back.

So is this how things stand, DC Comics? If I whine long and hard enough, you'll bring back my favorite character, the original Sgt. Rock? I don't mean an old guy who lived through World War II! I mean the same guy who was in the World War II comic books but is now alive in the modern era after having lived through World War II and all the intervening years without aging somehow. You figure it out! You're the comic book writers! I guess I just have to complain loudly enough until I get my way! Let me practice with some of the things the Wally West fans probably said to get this moment again.

"I will never accept that black kid as Wally West!"
"I can't believe you Blackwashed Wally West!"
"Wally West was my favorite when he wasn't a black and a criminal and not a white!"
"I hate when things change and they're not the way I wanted them to change! Plus some derogatory stuff about black Wally West! Like referring to him as Kanye!"

Okay! I think I got the hang of it!

I know people weren't simply upset that DC brought back Wally West as a totally different colored person (who was black). They were upset long before DC tried to bring Wally back as a totally different person. I guess I just don't understand the kind of love and loyalty a person can generate for a fictional character. Especially one with red hair.

Look, Afterbirth is messy! I'm going to ruffle some feathers here with some real honest facts like how redheaded people aren't actually people but some kind of meat-vegetable hybrid.

As an aside, people should remember a few words as they read my comic book "reviews". Those words are "hyperbole," "facetiousness", and "genius".

Wally is currently in a place where he remembers Flashpoint and probably all of the other stories he's ever been a part of. He's in the DC Afterbirth! Some people call it the Speed Force but I call it the Afterbirth. Mmm-hmm.

Two identical workplace accidents?! I bet OSHA was all over that.

Wally goes on to explain, in story terms, how The New 52 (and stories preceding it and Flashpoint) were huge mistakes that needed to be set right. But they needed to be set right in story terms! So instead of a bunch of editors taking the DC Universe and fucking it in every orifice they could until the Universe oozed from every pore, the DC Universe would have to be set right by the heroes from within! They would have to pretend the bad guys weren't the editors at all and were actually fictional supervillains or space aliens or time monsters who had to be stopped at all costs! It might not return the universe to something that fangenders can make sense of but it will hopefully return all of DC's history that was once lost. It has to be that way because look at what Giffen is doing in the Sugar and Spike comic book in Legends of Tomorrow! He's got DC's whole history as his playground and he's making full use of it! I mean, in Issue #3 he brought one of DC's Impossible Tales into actual continuity! If Rebirth is doing that, I'm all for Rebirth! Even if it means this idiot Wally West is back!

Just kidding, Wally West fans! Sheesh, you're so easy to piss off! It's like taking candy from a baby and then punching that baby to death so it shuts up about the loss of candy.

Chapter One ends and I realize I'm going to be writing a novella about this thing. I hope you're comfortable and have plenty of Oreos to eat while you read this. Speaking of Oreos, I'm going to go get a Ho-Ho now.

Next, Wally visits an old man in a facility for the elderly. If he's tied to the Speed Force, might it be some version of Jay Garrick who's still tied to the Afterbirth so he realizes something isn't quite right with the world?

Oh! It's almost Jonni DC, right?!

Johnny Thunder can't help because he's old and has lost the genie. So Wally continues his search. While traveling to his next destination, he feels somebody else lost outside of time whom he can't reach. Probably Booster Gold. He's been missing for quite awhile and he's supposedly important to straightening out all of these time shenanigans.

Some blonde member of the Legion of Super-heroes has also arrived in the present DC Youniverse to speak with Superman. The Legion of Super-heroes has about five million members and a good portion of them are blonde, so I don't know who it might be. Saturn Girl? One of the other ones I don't know the name of? Infectious Lass? Is she one of them?

Next there's a scene with Ryan Choi so I know Gail Simone just got some bonerses.

Ray Palmer has discovered a new universe that he's dubbed the Microverse! I'm snickering because I can now see "bonerses" and "Microverse" next to each other. Apparently the Microverse has something to do with how time has been fiddled with and The Atom has gotten lost investigating it. He needs Ryan Choi to once again become The Atom and to try not to die this time. Did he die the first time? I don't remember because time may have been changed and I can't trust my memories! Also I've never read a single comic book that had "The Atom" boldly printed across the cover.

The next legacy character to be visited is Jaime Reyes and his mentor, not dead Ted Kord. It's about time New 52 Ted Kord made an appearance as Blue Beetle and not just as some guy considering going into business with Lex Luthor!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've been able to do this again! Although I think I only used to do it when Jaime was in costume.

Jaime flies off to school while Ted is visited by Doctor Fate. Not that namby-pamby Doctor Fate who won't take his job seriously! This is the Doctor Fate that everybody wants to fuck. His voice is so...so...fonty! He explains that the Blue Beetle scarab is magic and not created by a race of aliens like everybody and their animated universes would have you believe! It's more of a Dan Garrett Scarab!

Elsewhere in the soon-to-be soup of Afterbirth, Damian turns thirteen which makes him eligible for the Teen Titans, Jessica Cruz has decided that what would make her costume really stand out is a Green Lantern Insignia monocle, and Aqualad is into boys. Thankfully! I always thought he was a fish-fucker.

Chapter Two ends with Pandora exploding into dust and smoke, much like what happened to Metron and Owlman on the moon. Good riddance! She never played the part she was supposed to have played anyway! I don't think. It's hard to say. All that Trinity War stuff was legerdemain. DC was all, "Look! Look! The Trinity of Sin! This is about them! Or is it about Wonder Woman, Superman, and Batman! Oh, oh! We fooled you all! It was really about Earth-3! Which isn't actually a trinity unless you include it as one part of three Earths. Which you shouldn't because Earth-2 never came into play in that story! By the way, fuck you, you stupid fans! Ha ha!"

They lost a chance at a one night stand is what they lost. And besides, what are Green Arrow and Black Canary doing at the site of Superman's death? Especially Black Canary! Shouldn't she be rocking somebody's face off right now?

Clark White and his family are hiding out in a hotel room trying to figure out where they go from here. Clark runs into the enigmatic Mister Oz last seen in Geoff Johns' run of Superman. I think. He's all, "I sent a blank Superman notebook to Superman! So funny! Maybe! I'm mysterious! Maybe it was foreboding! Things aren't what they appear! Or are they?! Oooooh! I can't say too much! Gotta go!"

On a deserted island somewhere, Aquaman asks Mera to marry him. Is this Didio and Johns' way of saying they were wrong and they realized all the things that they stole from their universe with The New 52? Because I can think of better ways to go about it than by making Mera miserable! Can you imagine spending the rest of your life as Aquaman's wife?! How humiliating.

Finally at the end of Chapter Three, Wally finds Linda Park and asks her to help him. But she doesn't remember him and he fucks off back to Afterbirth. Ha ha! I can't believe some Tumblrer thought this would make me cry! I don't give a shit about Wally West and Linda Park and their "true love!" Those quotes indicate you should read "true love" in a mocking, sing-song way. This story had better come with something a lot sadder than Park not remembering West!

Chapter Four explains who the new Wally West is. He was never meant to be a replacement for old Wally West. And by that I mean, he obviously was but now Geoff Johns has thought of a way to make him Wally's cousin Wally. Although he says that New 52 Wally West is Daniel West's son which isn't true at all. Or at least it wasn't true. I guess it's true now. But since this is Afterbirth, we have to hold both possibilities as true! Because every story DC has ever told has now happened! Even if some of them had glaring errors in them. Like this one I'm reading right now that says New 52 Wallace West is Daniel West's son.

After Linda forgets him and he sees Kid Flash is in good feet, he finally decides to confront the guy who caused all of this to happen (or, at least, gave the mysterious villain the opportunity to cause it). He really should have gone to see Barry Allen first. I know Batman is the go-to guy to solve every problem but when time is fucked up? That's all Flash.

Still not sad. If Wally really does die before this is over, still won't be sad. Might even have a little dance.

The Flash manages to recognize Wally and pull him back into the world. Or it was a mistake and he thought it was New 52 Wally he was rescuing. Either way, it worked! Preboot Wally West is back in the world! Now he can tell everybody about the danger and they can stop it by the end of this issue and the DC Youniverse can turn into the DC Afterbirth! Or it could go another way. It could go the Geoff Johns' way where nothing is really explained but he keeps on baiting hook after hook after hook for ten years telling his story without ever satisfying anybody because he keeps changing direction every year or so. You know, it'll probably go that way.

The Flash suddenly remembers everything thanks to remembering Kid Flash. He now knows lots of things that don't add up or make any sense if thought about for too long. So don't think about them! Just remember that all of your favorite Flash stories happened at some point. Every single one of them. Even the bad ones happened! But you don't have to acknowledge those if you don't want to. Because it's all right there. DC acknowledges that they all exist. All of it. No matter how hard it is to explain things now.

The way Wally West tells the story about the people who want to destroy the universe just make it sound like he's talking about DC's editors and readership. I suppose he could be but that would actually suck because I don't want that kind of meta-bullshit invading my mainstream superhero comic books! Although I suppose the bad guys might just be aliens called "Eddortors" or something.

The last page of the main story has Batman finding the Comedian's button with the blood on it in the wall of the Batcave. Well, that explains why Johns made the first page so reminiscent of the Watchmen.

The Epilogue takes place on Mars where Ozymandias and Doctor Manhattan are having a conversation as Doctor Manhattan fixes Wally's lost watch. It sounds like Adrian, once again, manipulated events to save everybody from themselves. Instead of a giant exploding space octopus in Times Square, he used Flashpoint to change shit so that DC Comics wouldn't go bankrupt. Or something. I don't know. He's way smarter than I am! I'm sure he had a reason!

The Darkseid War Special #1

Why is this a thing? Why isn't it just Justice League #49? How is Justice League ever going to make it to #52 before Rebirth at this rate?!

The Review
Justice League has fallen two or three months behind all of the other series so what does Geoff Johns choose to do? Insert more specials! I suppose that's because he realized he wasn't going to finish his epic tale before Rebirth erased it all. Not that Rebirth is a Reboot. DC can't say that enough! But we all know things are going to change. I have a feeling every Rebirth issue is just going to be pretty pictures and a mediocre story revolving around the same statement to fans: every story DC has ever published in the past is canon no matter how weird and inexplicable it makes the DC Universe. That's how I see it already anyway. I don't take my cues from DC about what stories make Batman the real, current Batman. How am I supposed to compartmentalize all of the Batman stories I've read over the years so that when I'm reading New 52 Batman, I know exactly what he's experienced and the things he's been through? I still read Batman believing that he used to climb up the sides of buildings and have brief conversations with sixties television stars. Hell, I still think Batman had all of those adventures with the characters from Star Wars and the soldiers from G.I. Joe and the creatures from the Masters of the Universe as they drove around my backyard in Barbie's pink Corvette! Anyway, this issue of The Darkseid War may also have been slotted into place because it's mostly exposition. I guess after all the blockbuster fights and crazy changes in personality the Justice League has gone through, a brief explanatory respite was in order for anybody who was a bit confused as to why Darkseid and The Anti-Monitor were fighting in the first place.

The Commentary
The Darkseid War is still going on because Geoff Johns believes stories that go on for-fucking-ever are what fans are craving. Big, blockbuster, over-the-top stories that make no sense but aren't limited because nobody at DC Comics has a position higher than the writer of the stupid thing. And apparently nobody has the balls to tell Zack Snyder...I mean Michael Bay...I mean Geoff Johns that length and thickness aren't the only thing that matters. Although, let's face it, DC Fangenders really can't get enough of Johns love muscle--and I don't mean his heart--pounding away at their colon. Every story doesn't have to forever change everything, Geoff. You can fucking calm down a little bit. Some people might not think I should be the one to suggest subtlety to another writer but then those people who don't think I'm subtle are probably missing 90% of the shit I'm expressing. Because I'm a motherfucking subtle son of a bitch!

I probably shouldn't be ranting like this about The Darkseid War because it is kind of entertaining, isn't it? It's entertaining in the way that Geoff Johns writes those stories people have in drunken conversations about stupid fucking ideas they'd maybe like to see happen in comic books. Like "Dude, dude! No, wait, dude. What if The Flash actually raced against Death?!" Or "Check this out. What if...what if...err...Lex Luthor were ruler of Apokolips?!" "No! What if Batman could know anything in the universe? Anything at all! Like how it all began or what existed before our universe or what's the cure for cancer or how can we end bigotry and religious strife or what is the Joker's real name?!" "What if Lois Lane were secretly a web camera porn star?!" "What if The Hulk shoved his cock straight down my throat? Oh god I'm hard."

Um, anyway, what I was saying in the caption to the cover was why another special after all the other Darkseid War specials have been separated across time by other Justice League issues? How is anybody in the future, hunting down back issues of The New 52 Justice League (because Geoff Johns is revered as a god and a monster), going to know what order to read these books in? Aside from all the people with internet blog entries listing the order.

The story begins with Jessica Cruz, now completely subsumed by Volthoom, wandering around inside of the power ring while some other prisoner speaks with her. I hope it's somebody surprising from DC's history and not just the wussy cry baby from Earth-3 that was Volthoom's previous host. The voice assures Jessica that if she can find him inside the hellish landscape of the ring, she has a chance of escaping, reclaiming her body, and saving the Justice League and the Omniverse and everything else that isn't somehow included in the stupid term "Omniverse" (which I only ever use ironically or in professional essays for academic magazines). I bet the voice is a Guardian of the Universe. Or, you know, Volthoom.

The voice tells Jessica that she needs to find the battery. Why doesn't the voice just bring the battery to her? Why must metaphysical landscapes always be bound by physical laws? It's probably a weakness in Jessica's own mind that she has to interpret the realm she's in as a natural landscape to be crossed rather than an idea which could be traversed in a thought.

Meanwhile, Myrina Black and her griffon (unless it's a hippogriff) are wandering about another bleak landscape searching for answers.

I, too, like to believe in absolute truths with whatever exceptions I feel like throwing in for my own comfort.

It seems to me that perhaps it was a bad idea to fuck and be impregnated by the only person you believe has no good in them. I suppose it's like when I feel totally judgmental about something, I'm driven to experience that thing to the best of my ability and to view it with non-judgmental eyes to see if I'm being a dick or if that thing really is a shit omelette. Although I don't think I'd go so far as to think, "You know? That person is a real fucking asshole. The biggest asshole in the universe. No redeeming qualities at all! Although, what if I'm being unfair in my criticism? I guess I'll let him plant his dark seed in me to make sure!"

I bet Darkseid is a good fuck though. I bet that's the simple answer. Myrina just couldn't keep her legs closed around him. I get it! He's powerful and he gets shit done. Also he's so thick. Just seeing his hard cock probably causes the observer to orgasm. That's his Alpha Effect.

Myrina explains that she's an Amazonian assassin and her target was Darkseid. And I guess the only way to kill Darkseid was to seduce him, have his child, raise her to hate her father, and start a war between the Anti-Monitor and Darkseid. That's pretty ambitious considering I can't even plan breakfast.

Anyone who lays eyes on Hippolyta's vagina must die? Was Diana born with a penis? What did Myrina see?!

Grail explains how the entire plan came together although I'm still a bit unclear about why Myrina had to be impregnated by Darkseid. I'm just going to assume that was an accident. And even if they had the Morning After Pill back when Grail was conceived, I doubt it would have been strong enough to evict a half-Amazonian, half-New God zygote from Myrina's vagina.

Apparently Steve Trevor is now also part of the plan. The new plan, of course! The old plan was to kill Darkseid and he's dead. The new plan is for Grail to take control of the Anti-Life Equation and become a new, female Darkseid. Grail kisses Stever Trevor (even though he's apparently the wrong man since somebody before him stepped foot on Themyscira and that's the guy Grail actually wants) and he turns into Firestorm. Or maybe he's just burning alive. It's hard to be sure.

Back inside Power Ring's ring, Jessica makes it to the battery and discovers the face behind the voice that's been helping her: Cyborg. Sad trombone. I'm so disappointed right now. Geoff Johns went off his normal playbook for this twist. This should have been some kind of reveal of a character nobody ever really liked or thought much about or had totally forgotten and would never care if the character just disappeared from all of DC's records and that every...oh wait. Cyborg is one of those characters. Never mind. Good work, Geoff.

Cyborg #5

This is demoralizing. I'm not even through the Looney Tunes variants yet!

This must be the last Looney Tunes variant though because Cyborg has been running about a month late. Although I've got another Cyborg in the stack so it really feels like DC has been pushing to all of their titles back on schedule by the end of this month. That's probably why there were two Justice Leagues of America and two Justice Leagues and a couple of Batman Europas and about fifteen DC Bombshells. I'm about two weeks behind before I can get back on a timely schedule where I'm writing about comic books that have just come out. Although, let's face it. Nobody cares about comic books that have just come out. They only care about comic books that are three to six months from coming out. I really should just do reviews of the solicits.

If I remember last issue correctly--and I believe I am remembering it correctly because I'm currently bored--the Technosapiens had invaded Earth and Cyborg, along with the Metal Men, were Earth's last line of defense. Hopefully something exciting will take place this issue or I'm going to have to revive my Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!

The first few pages aren't helping change my mind about how boring this comic book is. Cyborg gets his leg chopped off by Alternate Universe Sarah Charles (unless it was bitten off by the monster that was eating him. But Cyborg blames Sarah so I'm going to go with that rather than what was in the art) and then she teleports him away from Earth. That means it's now up to the Metal Men to stop thinking about the many ways they might convince Superman to fuck them all and to start saving the Earth. Instead they choose to run because they're incompetent.

Really? Really really real?

Over in Alternate Universe Detroit, Cyborg regenerates his leg while say a bunch of stuff I don't understand. But I'm totally impressed by it because I don't understand it so it must be super scientific and totally explains how Cyborg can now regenerate his body. He can also transform it from flesh to metal. So he doesn't actually need to look like a Cyborg anymore, does he? Although his look is currently the most interesting thing about this comic book so it would be a mistake if he decided to look human.

Do not read anything in the following scan if you are operating heavy machinery.

I'm so fucking bored!

Cyborg tries to lighten the mood by throwing in the occasional joke but then he says "Who's joking?" and I scream "No kidding!"

Cyborg throws in a bit of social commentary too but I was yawning too much to care. And then the comic book goes for the kill! It's like it knows that what little interest I had when I began reading this comic book is quickly flagging, so it decides to mesmerize me with some serious repetition.

I should have followed this guy's advice.

Do I have to explain that the KERTHUNK was the Metal Men saving these guys? It's not like that was a twist of Hitchockian proportions. Besides, they seem to be the only heroes left in the DC You. It's also possible that this alien invasion has only affected Detroit which is why the rest of the world hasn't noticed. That's totally believable.

Back on Alternate Universe Earth, Real Sarah Charles pulls Vic aside to tell him a secret. I think she was going to tell him that she's pregnant so that a little drama could be injected into this buzzkill. But instead she points out that she can hear his heartbeat. Which--I'm guessing!--she couldn't hear before. Previous to his discovery that he had regenerative powers, all she could hear was the hum of his disk drive spinning.

As I mentioned in previous commentaries, the romantic relationship between Sarah and Vic really should be front and center. Instead Larry Walker has chosen to highlight yet another alien invasion. I think that alien invasion would be more interesting if it took place as Vic was desperately trying to get laid. Seriously, the first thing you'd figure he'd want to do after regrowing his penis is make use of its secondary function! Unless doing it is its primary function and peeing is the secondary function.

No kidding no kidding no kidding!

I wonder when it will be time for jokes?

Not now! Now is the time to quote an overrated line from They Live!

Cyborg and his new gang of Alternate Universe Misfits teleport back to Earth-You to battle the Techno-Sapiens once and for all. I'm guessing it's the final battle because it's leading into the sixth issue and that's the general length for stretching out stories that probably could have been told in two issues.

Cyborg #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. Was I too subtle in my efforts to describe this comic book as boring? It would be a shame if you walked away thinking you should pick up this comic book. I mean, if you've got insomnia and nothing you've tried has worked, I'd recommend giving this book a try. My life is no better or worse from having read this comic book. I might even be more refreshed because I'm certain I just had a dozen micro-naps during this read. Usually when a comic has built up more than one issue in my "To Read" stack, I'd just get them all out of the way at once. But I'm legitimately concerned that if I read Cyborg #6 right now, I could pass out and bang my head on the corner of my desk.

Cyborg #4

I'd rather read about this version of Cyborg.

I realize that most people have trouble with reading comprehension so from now on I will write only in straightforward simple sentences. I will eschew ambiguity. I shall renounce subtlety! I will say only what I mean and mean only what I say! Although at that point, everything I write will be boring, unfunny, and most likely not worth anybody's time. Kind of like this comic book!

No wait! I didn't mean that! I'm reasonably sure that some comic book fans out there really enjoy this comic book so I shouldn't say it's not worth "anybody's" time! That's the kind of sweeping generalization that might upset the semi-literate masses (meaning the kind of people who probably enjoy this comic book).

Dammit! What I'm trying to say is that I have read three issues of Cyborg and I'm certain that it's a fine publication for the kind of people who enjoy taking sudden and spontaneous naps.

Maybe I should begin again?

Cyborg is a competently written comic book with many qualities. It stars Cyborg who is a cyborg. That lack of imagination might be why I find Cyborg so boring! Although I'm sure he has many fans who are less easily bored than I am! They probably loved it every time Cyborg called Changeling "Salad Head" back in Wolfman's Teen Titans. Sometimes he did it two or three times in one comic book!

You know what? This isn't about the comic book. This is about me. I simply find Cyborg to be a boring character. It's going to be an uphill battle to get me to enjoy this comic book. Why do people fight uphill battles? Why don't they just look at the hill, look at the people at the top of the hill who will be fighting a downhill battle, and then just leave the hill alone? Or maybe just set a fire around the base of the hill! Also I'm lazy so I can't see the point in marching up a hill just to exert yourself in a battle. I'm too lazy to even begin reading this comic book because I compared it to an uphill battle which sounds exhausting!

It's a good thing only geniuses ever get super powers.

Sarah Charles from the Alternate Universe where Silas Stone has chosen to really be himself explains the premise of this first story arc. So if you've been on the fence about purchasing this series, you should skip reading the first three issues. If you're really being frugal, my guess is you should wait until I read Issue #5 because that one might have the same recap but include Issue #4 as well! The gist of the matter (whoever decided to spell "gist" with a "g" was a genius because if it were "jist" I would be picturing a misty spray of jism) is that some creatures called the Technosapiens are going around the Multiverse Borging up whatever life they can find. Alternate Universe Sarah Charles is pissed off at Silas Stone because his Alternate Universe Counterpart accidentally attracted the attention of the Technosapiens by doing experiments that she thought he should have known would attract unwanted attention. Well isn't she just a Monday Morning Scientist! "I told you you shouldn't have played God! I told you the government would turn your work into a weapon. I told you that Supercollider would eventually create a black hole that would destroy the universe."

Now the Technosapiens are on Earth and it's probably up to Cyborg to stop them. I think the Justice League can't help because all of the phones are down.

I suppose it was like parts of the nineties. I guess she couldn't have said eighties--which would have been more accurate--because she's too young to have any personal experience with that time.

At one point during the emotional part of the plot where relationships are being forged, Sarah Charles slaps Alternate Universe Sarah Charles and the multiverse doesn't unravel. So unrealistic.

The Metal Men are also starring in this comic book even though Superman's penis is not part of the cast. That's a reference to how they all want to fuck Superman. At least Platinum does but I think the others do as well. I wonder if Doc Magnus ever thought about making a Kryptonite Metal Man? It looks like that story may have happened in Action Comics #599. Of course it wasn't Magnus who built the Kryptonite Metal Man. It was some other guy whose name I can't remember offhand.

After spending more than half of the comic book explaining and reexplaining what the fuck was going on, the Technosapiens attack!

Tin must be coated in Mercury here.

The battle seems to be going...well, I don't know. I guess it's a stalemate because the final page is of a huge Technobeast crashing up through the ground and knocking Cyborg on his White Noise Cannon. What do you call a cliffhanger whose outcome you don't really care about? Because this is that.

Cyborg #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. Cyborg. I don't know what to tell you, buddy. You really need to step up your game if you're going to be the lead in a comic book. I suppose you can ask Harley Quinn or Batman to guest star for a few issues to drive your numbers up but that's just a short term fix. I have a feeling the love story between you and Sarah is supposed to be the driving story in this comic but it isn't getting much on-panel time. You already had your penis fixed in the Convergence Sneak Peek, so I would have kept the alien invasion slowly brewing and had the Sarah Charles stuff front and center. The last page of Issue #1 should have been this cliffhanger: Sarah and Victor kissing with Cyborg's White Noise Cannon--set on low!--between Sarah's knees. Sarah moaning, "Oh Vic!" Then she reaches down between Vic's legs and her eyes grow huge and teary as she says, "Oh. Vic!" Then everybody would be wondering what she saw! What's happened to Victor's penis?! Then Issue #2, we'd find out that she was just impressed and scared by the size of his cock because it's been enhanced by Apokoliptian Nanobots.