Red Hood Loves Arsenal #13

I was in a bromance once. We did a lot of brock-gobbling and brodomy.

The Review!
According to Lobdell's retweets of people who like his Red Hood Loves Arsenal comic book (because I imagine he retweets every single positive mention he gets), he has about three fans of this book. I'm a nobody and I think I receive more appreciation for my stupid bullshit! That makes me feel bad for Lobdell. Now that this series is over, I truly hope he's decided to recommit himself to giving a shit about his Rebirth comic book. I doubt that will happen since he's been writing for DC for five years and he has yet to prove that he thinks about anything he's writing for longer than it takes him to jot the script down on the back of a bar napkin. He doesn't even seem to remember his scripts from month to month because there is no logical consistency in any of the characters in any of his DC Comics series. I suppose that's the main reason he continues to get work. With no consistency in his characters, he can change them as editorial dictates come down the line. Anything an editor wants, Lobdell does. I'm not saying that as an insult! I'm just saying he's easy to work with and he gets the job that's needed done. It's just that that never results in a compelling story. And it will never result in characters I will grow to love. It simply results in a superficial book that I'll forget about five minutes after closing the cover. I suppose comics has always had a place for that kind of fluff so Lobdell fills a niche. Plus people seem to love Jason Todd and Roy Harper no matter how poorly they're handled.

The Commentary!
I must have slept in on the day this book was released because I don't remember everybody dancing in the streets, fireworks displays around the world, and the end of all global conflict as everybody was united in their hatred of this piece of shit comic book. I suppose that would only have happened if this comic book had been mandated reading for everybody on the planet. Perhaps it should have been! It would have been like Ozymandias's giant space squid exploding into Times Square (except with more deaths from suicide). Everybody would have been united in their hatred and their need to end this threat to their existence! And then when DC cancelled it, everybody would have been so elated that they would have forgotten their petty religious squabbles or international border disputes or terrifyingly militaristic national foreign policies! I suppose we would have had to take to the streets and kill all of the fans of this comic book but that's a purge I believe we could all agree would be for the greater good.

This issue begins with Roy Harper about to die! But Jason Todd has one chance left to save him! And that chance is a mysterious arrow built by a rockabilly genius! It's probably the deus ex machina arrow. Roy can invent anything so I'm not sure why he hasn't invented one of those. He could enter any conflict, fire the arrow, and save the day! What kind of rockabilly genius is he?! He's an idiot for not having invented one already!

Red Hood begins killing the members of Iron Rule by using arrows that negate the nuclear energy that gave them their super powers and brought them back to life.

See? Roy can invent anything as long as he can scream out an explication for what the thing does!

For awhile, Jason Todd was killing people willy-nilly. Then the editorial mandate came down to make him more likeable by not killing (which goes to show how much editorial knows because the only redeeming quality to Jason Todd was that he was the Batman who kills). Just a few issues ago, he was yelling at Roy not to kill. So now that the only way Jason Todd's writer can think to get him through this conflict is by killing the bad guys, Jason Todd must provide some Narration Box Rationalizations for why it's okay to kill this time. Here's an idea! Just let Red Hood kill without compunction! Everybody understands why he kills! Just, you know, write him better. Develop his philosophy and ethics and write the character based on those things. Just maybe make his motivations consistent. Is that too much to ask? Because having him flip-flop from one set of beliefs to another from issue to issue is just one of the reasons why this comic book is so terrible.

Just a few issues ago, everything he was doing was based on giving people a second chance because he was given one. But, you know, fuck that. This is different!

I have a question about Roy's nuclear spill clean-up arrows! What does he do with the arrows after they've been used? Does he have a "Send Toxic Waste Into A Black Hole" Arrow? Show of hands: who thinks nobody will discuss the toxic clean-up before this issue ends?!

Jason Todd kills all but one member of Iron Rule and The Joker's Daughter (oh, he also didn't kill Roy or Tara Battleworth, if that statement had you worried because you're a dummy or an Actually Nerd). It's at this point when Roy Harper decides it's his turn to tell Jason Todd not to kill and that they're better than that. Oh, fuck you, Lobdell. No. Fuck you, DC Comics. Why do you keep giving this guy work? And fuck everybody who likes his writing because you obviously don't understand character, cause and effect, motivations, theme, plot, paragraphs, sentences, words, punctuation, and anything, really.

Roy convinces Jason not to kill the last member of Iron Rule because of Mommy Issues. That leaves just the Joker's Daughter to deal with because she's about ready to blow Tara Battleworth's head off for huge internet ratings. Although, for some reason, the awful people watching this horrible live feed have turned on her and now want to vote her dead instead of Roy. People on Earth-Main-Earth are so fickle.

Roy uses his Stop the Joker's Daughter Arrows to stop The Joker's Daughter before she can kill Tara. I think that's a good thing. I don't even know why Tara Battleworth was a recurring character in this comic book. I guess it's that fickle thing. First she refuses to hire Red Hood and Arsenal. Then she sends them on a field test which they fail so she doesn't hire them. Then she hires them for a special job. Then she never wants to work them again. I think. I don't remember. Once again, a character shows no consistency in this book. Simply put, whatever a character can do to serve the current issue's plot, they will do.

This is how Harry and the Hendersons ended, right?

And that's the end of that nonsense. Except for a back-up feature about how Jason Todd and Roy Harper began their homosexual romance. I mean bromance!

It's not Batman who will wind up killing you when you head out alone without telling Batman where you've gone.

Apparently Batwoman didn't stop the crime of baseball themed bad guys committing robbery inside baseball stadiums. The guys Roy and Jason battle are called the Batboys!

They're not very dedicated to their theme.

I don't like to spoil the ends of comic book stories but I'll just say this: long, passionate kiss and a hand-job.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #12

The covers for this comic book have been terrible lately.

The Review!
This issue wasn't as bad as the ones that came before. It doesn't suffer as much from Lobdell's usually rambling, filling-space style of story telling. Can it be that Lobdell is better at tying up stories than creating new ones? That makes sense. What we have this issue is the revelation that everything that's been happening to the Heroes for Hire has been The Joker's Daughter's plan to finish off Jason Todd once and for all. Her plan is to let people vote on Roy's death to make Jason feel bad and to make people reading the comic go, "Oh, I get it. Because DC had people vote on Jason Todd's death." Since this is the final arc, I imagine the characters won't be dramatically changing motivations anymore, so I'm able to actually trust the story more. We've settled on Jason Todd declaring he manipulated Roy into being heroes rather than the other way around, a revelation I'm sure will not be explained more in the final issue. And The Joker's Daughter is crazy and evil and has always been so. So I guess I shouldn't mind that Red Hood unexpectedly shot her last issue before she even showed her evil hand. All she had shown up to that point is that she couldn't let go of The Joker's face! Maybe when Lobdell writes his Afterbirth version of Red Hood, somebody will tell him every month that he's writing the last story arc because the comic has been cancelled. Then maybe he'll focus and write more coherent stories!

The Commentary!
I keep thinking I need to somehow give Scott Lobdell a completely clean slate once Rebirth starts. But I don't know how I'm supposed to get past my bias generated over the last five years of reading his apathetic scripts. I think I might have to Roofie myself before reading the Afterbirth Red Hood. I wonder if my friend Doom Bunny still has any Rohypnol. Don't worry! He's not a creep! He was prescribed the drug while in Japan because he has sleep issues. I think if he had tried to bring any back, he could have been arrested for smuggling drugs. Hmm, that answers my question because Doom Bunny would never do anything that might get him in even the slightest bit of trouble. He once got caught stealing campaign signs from a neighbor's lawn while in high school and he vowed never to be in trouble again!

I don't want to have to drug myself to read Afterbirth Red Hood, so I'll just meditate on it for a bit and release all of my cynicism and penchant for being terrible into the universe before I read it. Maybe with a clear mind, I'll actually enjoy Scott Lobdell's writing! Although I think I'd actually need no mind for that to happen.

Currently, Arsenal is being held by Iron Rule who are asking the internet if he should be killed. Of course the internet is going to vote yes. Roy does know that most people on the internet hate him now, right? Thanks to his constant and obnoxious narration of his life. I believe Scott Lobdell thinks Roy is hilarious. He's not. And if anybody reading this thinks he's funny, you should fuck off right now. I don't need dopes reading my commentaries!

First off, he wasn't doing stand-up. He was just rambling. Second off, only hacks say things like, "I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your servers!" Thirdly, thirty-three thousand people is not "the entire internet." Fifthly, when did Tara Battleworth begin thinking Roy was charming?

Now, I said the entire internet would vote to kill Arsenal but that's wrong. Obviously he still has his brain-dead supporters who somehow can't see how horribly Lobdell has damaged his character over the last five years. So some people would still want him to live. But that's me speaking about a fictional character. I'd like to believe that if this were a real event in the real world, people would be voting like crazy to keep him alive. Because most people are kind and wouldn't want to be a part of murder, no matter how abstract. Of course a lot of people would still vote to kill him! That's because a lot of people on the internet (and by "a lot of people," I obviously mean "young males" and "older males" and "the rest of the males" and "all of my exes") are dickhole's dickholes. But I don't think there would be enough negative votes to outweigh the good votes. Although the biggest dicks are the ones that seem to have the most passion, so they'd probably create some kind of algorithm to vote to kill Roy about one hundred times every second.

While everybody in the DC Youniverse is casually voting to kill Roy Harper (which I don't think they would really do because how many of them have to endure his Narration Boxes? That's why I want to kill him!), Barbara Gordon stumbles upon the site and gasps, "Holy fuck! This isn't the porn I was searching for!"

Babs calls Roy while Roy jerks off to Duella being hauled off in a stretcher. That's good violence! Red Hood mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter have a lot in common which I've talked about in previous installments of this absurdity. He's trying to save her and all that because he got a second chance and everybody deserves one. But he mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter both chose to wear the Joker's old face. Why the fuck didn't Lobdell focus on that element throughout this whole Red Hood/Joker's Daughter thing? Now that's interesting! That's where the story lies. Not in this faux Jason Todd looking for redemption by bringing it about in others bullshit. Because that fucking crap hasn't been sincere at all, as proved by Todd finally giving up on her and shooting her. That Joker link is what this should have been about! This is why Lobdell is a poor writer. In his writing, he misses more opportunities than he takes advantage of. Mostly because he's busy writing superficial nonsense to just take up twenty more pages each month. He hasn't fucking committed to these characters in the whole time he's been at DC.

This is how I always answer the phone. It stymies telemarketers. And my mom.

I have to say, I can't remember when I thought this comic book looked this good. I'm digging the small panels laid out around a few bigger panels. It's reminiscent of Grendel when it was drawn by those brothers. I forget their names. Let me ask Lord Google. Oh yeah! The Pander Brothers!

The Joker's Daughter is rescued by Iron Rule on her way to the hospital. She's apparently their leader. It's a good thing Jason Todd shot her then, isn't it?!

Hmm, maybe you shouldn't blame Bruce for not being there to save you when you ran halfway around the world on your own. Maybe if you'd made better choices, you wouldn't have been beaten near to death and then blown up. Maybe, Jason Todd, you need to own your part in your own death and stop blaming Bruce.

Looking at that picture, I just realized The Joker has most of his teeth on the right side of his mouth!

The issue ends with Jason Todd finding one of Roy Harper's Genius Rockabilly gizmos that is going to save Roy's own life. It's not revealed what it is yet because Scott Lobdell probably hadn't decided by the time he handed in this script. I guess we'll find out next issue! The worst part about having to wait until next issue is the realization that I have to read another issue of this.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #11

This cover perfectly captures the essence of the story within: confusing garbage.

The Review!
Scott Lobdell will always have a job working for editors who hate trying to wrangle writers into being team players (being a team player, to an editor, is doing exactly what the editor wants) because Scott Lobdell has no vision of his own. I suppose you can say that his vision is writing characters that he thinks young people can identify with by making them rebellious and full of angst and angry at adults and authority but that's about the extent of it. It's not like he can build consistency in his characters over time because he just needs them to act in a way that will further whatever direction editorial wants the characters to be headed. So if editorial thinks Jason Todd as a murderous anti-hero sells, that's who the readers get. But when attitudes seem to change and people think he shouldn't be going around shooting everybody in the face, suddenly he's against killing! That might be okay if the stories backed up the change in character. But Red Hood changes his attitude by seeming whim alone. At least Roy Harper has been consistent. You always know he's the same old Rockabilly Genius that the introduction assures the reader he is, no matter the evidence to the contrary. What I'm trying to say is that this book is terrible with a capital shitfuck.

The Commentary!
Scott Lobdell has fallen into a rhythm with his Red Hood Loves Arsenal stories. He's found a theme that he's determined to stick with no matter how tired anybody gets of it. That theme is redemption. You see, Jason Todd and Roy Harper have both been given second chances. So now Jason Todd is only ever going to run into other characters who might be seen as villains or, at best, anti-heroes and he's going to cradle them in his arms and say, "Shh. Shh. Daddy's here now. You deserve to be loved. And I'm the one to do it because it'll show I'm better than Batman. And Roy will help because he wants to be better than Green Arrow. Because adults are poopy." Then all the shallow misfits of the world who can somehow, blindly, look past Scott Lobdell's awful writing feel good and embrace the comic book and call Jason Todd their little lost puppy dog. I don't know how many of those people exist because all the misfits I've ever known are anything but shallow and would sooner shit on a copy of Red Hood Loves Arsenal than read it. I don't currently have to shit so I guess I'm going to read it.

This issue begins with a flashback to when Roy Harper was working with the Wrecking Crew or whatever the fuck the bad guys are called in this issue. They're basically the negative version of Roy and Jason's Heroes for Hire business. Roy Harper's narration helps me remember that this crew call themselves Iron Rule. I'm not sure why. I've never heard of the Iron Rule before. Is that the one where you treat other people how you'd like to be treated if you liked to be treated like shit?

Once again, thanks to Roy Harper's incessant narration, I discover the meaning of the name!

It doesn't sound cool at all. It sounds fascist.

While Roy has nightmares about his old team and I have nightmares about the amount of Roy Harper Narration Boxing I have to read, Red Hood and Duela Dent discuss how she feels about going back to school. Duela doesn't find it weird that Jason Todd is completely made up as Red Hood for this chat. She should have though because Jason Todd is ambushing her. He found the Joker's face she kept hidden in the bathroom so now it's time to turn on her. Hey, he tried to help! She just didn't want the help and decided to keep doing what she wanted to do! So now his only choice is to abandon her even though that would mean he's not better than Bruce at all. He's exactly like Bruce!

Okay, maybe he's nothing like Bruce. He's not even the shit scraped off the bottom of Bruce's Batshoe. Jason Todd is an asshole.

This is probably why Scott Lobdell still has a job at DC Comics. You would think that the company would want to hire great writers and then keep the great writers working for them because great writing creates great word of mouth which creates great sales. But in the comic book business, what you really want is a writer who doesn't give a shit about what they're writing and will burn everything they've been working on at the drop of an editorial hat. So even though Lobdell has been working on this whole redemption theme and how Jason Todd has the compassion and empathy to try to understand and help the bad guys (after, you know, years of him just shooting people in the face. Again, Lobdell doesn't give a shit about consistency), Rebirth crops up and the status quo needs to change. So Jason Todd decides to forget all that shit about how he saw a little bit of himself in The Joker's Daughter just because she backslid once (or twice? Who cares how many times. He knows how hard it is to better oneself!), he's going to abandon her. And not just by sending her to Arkham where she can get help (okay, so nobody is actually getting help in Arkham. But she can theoretically get help there in the context of the DC You's reality). No, he has to shoot her and make a stupid fucking joke. Nice work, dick.

Meanwhile there's the Roy Harper story that I just don't fucking care about because Scott Lobdell has ruined Roy Harper forever. I'm not even being dramatic! Roy Harper is done! He'll never get the stink of Lobdell off him! No, that's not true. There's one way DC Comics can fix Roy Harper so that I'm not constantly remembering how awful he was in Lobdell's scripts. If DC can manage to get Thomas Pynchon to write a Roy Harper comic book, I might be able to forget how shitty he's been written for the last five years. Anyway, the comic ends with Roy facing off against Iron Rule. I hope they kill him.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #7

This issue is off to a promising start!

That caption up there? I hate it. I hate saying things that people say. But how is anybody going to understand me if I say things people don't often say? Which I often do! Then the person reading my blog sits there on their core strengthening balls with their mouths agape thinking, "Why am I reading this bullshit when I could be Candy Crushing my way to literal enlightenment?!" Is that something people say? I do sometimes like to type things that people say but only when I'm trying to write a believable hypothetical character. And speaking of believable hypothetical characters, let's take a look at the exact opposite of that with our guide, Scott Lobdell!

I don't know why he says "nien." Was he going to talk about Nien Nunb?!

Speaking of Nien Nunb, today I saw Star Wars Episode VII: Episode IV But Against A Bad Guy With Big Ears. Don't worry, I won't spoil it for anybody who hasn't seen it already (even though if you're on the internet, you've probably already seen it because you're obviously a huge nerd). I just want to say this about Kylo Ren: I totally get why you're wearing the helmet, dude. I mean, Darth Vader wore the helmet because it was some form of life support. Sure, it made him look bad-ass as well which, understandably, is why you, Kylo, are wearing the mask. Because underneath that mask you're just a huge dork who couldn't stand being told what to do by his parents and moved out to live with a bunch of other nerds that were big time into playing Magic the Gathering (that's a dorky metaphor for The Dark Side).

About twenty years ago now (yeesh!), I went to play Magic the Gathering at a coworker's house with his equally nerdy roommates. It was a huge mistake. I have a feeling they had one guy read the rules and that guy probably always scored about third grade level on comprehension tests in high school. The whole fucking game was house-rules and they didn't even know it! They just trusted this dimwit to explain the rules to them as he understood them (which wasn't very well). I gritted my teeth through a few games with them and then left them to play their super exciting decks that were all 50% lightning bolts. Fuckers.

This issue is called "All's Fair in Love and Robin War!" and I don't know how I got through typing that without busting my guts laughing. I might have shit myself but there were other factors to consider there and I, most likely, can't blame it entirely on Scott Lobdell.

Do you think Eddie Berganza actually finds these scripts funny or does he just pretend to read them as he jerks off under his desk watching cosplay videos?

Roy Harper built a holographic arrow com. Did you see that? I scanned it in so you could see it and read it. Did it pain you as much as it pained me? If not, look at it again! Look! It's an arrow standing on end with a holographic image coming out of the tip! Why?! Why does that have to be arrow-themed?! It makes no fucking sense! He's Arsenal! He's a Rockabilly Genius! Why didn't he make some Holographic Pants Cuffs?! Or Holographic Hair Grease?! Or Holographic Banjo Versions of AC/DC Songs?! He does know he can drop the arrow-themed gimmicks, right?!

Jason Todd doesn't want Roy Harper and The Joker's Daughter interfering in the Robin War. And since they never show up in The Robin War, my guess is that they don't interfere. But they probably get into some other kind of trouble! Really stupid trouble! The stupidest fucking trouble ever!

Is this stupid enough for you?

If I were looking for orphan boys in their early teens, I'd probably hit up an orphanage. I certainly wouldn't attack a circus because what would orphaned teenage boys be doing in a circus? Circuses are family gigs!

Roy takes out Phosphorous Rex with an Asbestos Foam Arrow because he's not allowed to kill anymore. But Jason Todd didn't say anything about forcing a guy with a fire head to breathe in filaments and fibers of asbestos so that he winds up getting lung cancer in thirty years! What is asbestos foam anyway? I realize you can make it into a fiber but a foam?! That seems to be pushing the limits of my credulity! Although I wasn't a science major so I'll allow it this time.

Roy then takes out Siam with a goo arrow that he calls a goo gun because he's a Rockabilly Genius. I was going to say "because he's not very smart" and then I remembered he was a Rockabilly Genius so that must be the reason he thinks an arrow is a gun.

He doesn't take out Big Top because Joker's Daughter needs to prove herself to Roy.

Fat villains only have this one move.

The Joker's Daughter saves Roy by nearly killing two of the members of The Circus of the Strange. She then pulls a shotgun out of her skirt to finish off Big Top but Roy stops her with a taser arrow. Later she points out how she wasn't actually going to kill anybody although she did smash a wheel into Big Top's skull and pierced the abdomen of Phosphorous Rex with the rest of the wheel. And then there's the matter of how she was running around with a shotgun stashed in her underwear. She might be a little bit too crazy to not kill no matter how much she says she doesn't want to. But this is the team for her because they "kill" villains constantly! It's just that Red Hood and Arsenal's victims always wind up alive at the end of the comic because they somehow survive the bullets and arrows in their brains and spines.

Roy decides to give Joker's Daughter a chance at redemption. Immediately after that, he and the Joker's Daughter are dragged under the streets of Gotham by lava zombies. It's no big deal. The Joker's Daughter recognized them and everything. They're probably just inviting them down for tea. I just hope that some asshole in Hollywood doesn't somehow think they'd be great in a movie leading to Scott Lobdell making more money on his shit ideas. I saw the trailer for Age of Apocalypse today and immediately got depressed. People still remember that shit fondly, don't they? If any of y'all out there do and you haven't read it since it was out, I'd recommend leaving it be. I've been revisiting the 80s New Teen Titans recently which I always remembered fondly and it is garbage. Mostly. I've gotten to the Who is Donna Troy? story arc and some things seem to be improving a bit. Maybe it's all the bits where Danny Chase was left behind!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #7 Rating: No change. This was my worst New Year's Eve ever! Why did I think reading a Scott Lobdell book was a good idea?! Oh! I know why it was a good idea! Because the new year can only get better after the ending to this year! Thank you, Scott Lobdell, for lowering the bar! Happy New Year everybody!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #6

This cover is all wrong. Roy Harper's brains should be splattered all over the place.

I fucking can't stand Facebook. I'm only on Facebook to stay in touch with all of the jerks with whom I play Call of Duty! Otherwise it's just a sea of inane statements proving to me just how fucking stupid every single person in my family truly is. They take fucking quizzes that proclaim only the smallest percentage of people will be smart enough to pass the quiz and then crow about how fucking smart they are because they passed. Really, Cousin NAME REDACTED? If you were so fucking smart, you'd realize those quizzes are merely created to jerk you off. Links to stupid fucking articles full of vitriolic nonsense that back up their idiotic opinions! Status updates where they think they're holding an intelligent opinion but they're just expressing their own selfish prejudices! The stupid site makes me so angry! Why are these dumb people so happy with posting bullshit on a near constant basis?!

Currently the popular thing is that vonvon app that makes a picture of the words you most use on Facebook. Considering that I fucking can't stand Facebook and generally only participate by saying the most snide crap on other people's status updates (because I embrace that I'm a bitter fucking prick who wishes he could be happy with the constant stream of inane bullshit that life throws in your path), I decided to try it. So here are the results of my most commonly used words on Facebook.

Apparently it doesn't work if all of your settings are private. I imagine if, like all of my friends and family apparently, I wanted everybody in the world to see every stupid thing about me, this picture would have been one gigantic FUCK with a few smaller satellites of SHIT, CUNT, ASSHOLE, and OREOS.

This issue begins on some good notes and some bad notes (which will eventually deteriorate into all bad notes)! The good note is that Arsenal was really shot in the head. At least that's what the first page picture seems to indicate. Blood everywhere. The Joker's Daughter's gun is smoking in the way that modern guns don't actually do. Sure, his head is off the page so I don't instantly know that he only has a superficial wound because he's a Rockabilly Genius who knew to turn his head in just the right way to not be shot in the brain. But for now, let's just be happy that Roy Harper is too dead to Narration Box.

The bad notes are all of those speech bubbles full of unfunny bullshit. Who is the moron that told Scott Lobdell he was hilarious?! Tell me! Who was it?! Because I need that person in my life to bolster my fragile ego too!

Who is she talking to?! Oh yeah, she's crazy. She probably says hilarious stuff like this constantly. The funniest part is how she refers to herself as a Millennial. Good job getting that bit in, Scott Lobdell! The Millennials will flock to this character if you tell them over and over again that she is one of them even if she's written by an old fart who can't get the voice of young people correct no matter how often he fails at trying.

Apparently The Joker's Daughter was talking to somebody (even if accidentally since it seems like they just happened to walk up on her (stop wondering what everybody is doing on the top of a building)) and it was the members of The Hero Manifesto! "Who are they?" you say because you're an idiot who doesn't know comic books at all. Also they were just recently created last issue so don't feel bad when I try to make you feel bad. You didn't do anything wrong (it was your parents who fucked up). Don't worry about no knowing who any of these characters are because The Joker's Daughter knows and she's going to name them all for us! And don't worry if you're also wondering, "Who is this Red Hood Arsenal that has his name on the cover? Der?!" That'll be explained soon too, I'm sure! This comic book always wastes the first five or six pages on recaps and introductions because it means less work for Scott Lobdell who really hates to write because he's so terrible at it.

How did anybody in the Nethers even learn of this group? They were created like sixty seconds ago!

The Hero Manifesto agree to hire The Joker's Daughter if she can kill Red Hood as well. Then she cartwheels off the roof and says "fun" about fifty times because she's so wacky and adorable. What a Millennial!

The Joker's Daughter easily tracks Jason Todd down to a plane leaving Gotham. That's because the people in the Nethers know everything. It's easier to write a story when characters can just know stuff. Who wants to read all the boring panels where people are doing research and investigating? I'll give that up for all of these nonsense shortcuts any day! Who wants to hear Scott Lobdell try to actually explain the scientific reasons why one of Roy Harper's experimental arrows actually works?! Just mention how he's a Rockabilly Genius about five thousand times and then when Roy goes to explain his latest Day Sex Mockingjay, have Jason Todd cut him off with a few shut the fuck ups!

So The Joker's Daughter appears on the wing of the plane Jason Todd is in which immediately gets into the air and then flips around and tries to land just as quickly. I don't think the timing and position of the plane matter. Is it on the ground when The Joker's Daughter shows up? Is it in the air? Has it turned around to land? Did it never take off at all? Bah! Useless details! Petty distractions! The real point is that Jason Todd kicks open the emergency door of the plane so he can fight The Joker's Daughter on the wing. Exciting!

Well, I was wondering how you got here! I guess the ticket explains it as well as her Nether Information Highway. Although she never actually spent any time going through Roy's pockets. Maybe she had time after shooting him and before standing back with smoke pouring out of the muzzle of her gun to make her speech about bad jokes.

I don't know how public Arsenal is with his secret identity but it doesn't matter now, right? Unless the airlines allow him to fly under the name "Arsenal", The Joker's Daughter now knows who he is. Oh wait. I'm sure they all fly under aliases anyway. Stupid Dick Grayson giving all of the Bat-kids and their friends fake IDs!

Back to Roy Harper, it turns out he was just shot with a paint ball full of gore. That fooled everybody long enough for Roy to regain consciousness just in time to murder Suzie Su again with an arrow to the back of her neck. In the previous scene, Jason Todd declared that Roy Harper couldn't be dead by this kid. But the truth is, he could be dead by her. If The Joker's Daughter had been using real bullets, Roy Harper would be dead now. Some fucking hero, right?!

Of course, if she had been using real bullets, Roy Harper would have dodged the bullet and kicked her ass. How do heroes get so lucky all the time?! When the villain gets the drop on them, they're never killed! But when the villain really is trying to kill them, the villain never gets the drop on them! I'm starting to think comic books are written for brain-dead assholes!

Did I just hurt my own feelings? Dammit!

Oh my god! Just put your dick in her mouth already!

So what? Now Jason Todd is going to be seeing himself in everybody he battles? Oh no! Underbelly was created by The Joker! He deserves a second chance! Oh no! The Joker's Daughter is lost and crying out for help! She deserves to suck my peener! Maybe this entire series is going to wind up being some kind of therapy session via Hugo Strange and a bunch of drugs injected directly into Jason Todd's brain! That's why it has so many mimes in it!

The plane lands (How did it get in the air and land at the same airport in the space of one or two minutes?!) and Jason Todd loses his grip. But The Joker's Daughter manages to survive by being crazy and/or knowing some gymnastics. The scene provides a good example of Scott Lobdell's poorly thought out and unedited writing. The Joker's Daughter says, "I almost believe you. Or not." Ha ha! Funny, right? The "or not" is almost as hilarious as adding "again" to a statement! Jason Todd averts his eyes because he thinks she's going to die. He thinks, "She must be a pink and purple stain on the tarmac." Then he sees her getting away and thinks, "Or not." Ha ha! Even funnier the second time on the same page and from a different character than the first time! I guess giving each character a different voice isn't something Scott Lobdell bothers with. I totally understand that! I'm the opposite! I can't even stay in one voice in the same commentary when all of these dumb words are supposed to be from the same person's head!

Not only do the characters share the same voice, apparently they also share all of the same information!

How the fuck does Roy know about the Hero Manifesto?! Does he have contact with The Nethers too? Or does he simply remember everything anybody says in his proximity when he's unconscious or sleeping?!

Palette attacks Roy and he kills him too. But at least he feels bad because he's started drinking again in Titans Hunt. Or something. I don't know. Why would anybody allow Scott Lobdell to tie his story into their story?! Keep this guy's taint far away from you work, other DC writers!

The Joker's Daughter returns to The Hero Manifesto so that they'll explain why they want Red Hood and Arsenal killed. They tell her because it's always nice when somebody is interested in your work. Apparently it has nothing to do with them having killed just about every member of The Hero Manifesto. It's really just about crushing "vigilantes for hire" competitors. The Joker's Daughter finds it funny because she finds everything funny. Which totally makes her the opposite of a Millennial since they find very little funny.

Jason Todd follows The Joker's Daughter and arrives in time to blow off the heads of the mimes (who weren't real anyway). Roy Harper shows up to shoot Sara Phina, the final member of The Hero Manifesto, in the face with an arrow. That's when the big twist takes place! The Joker's Daughter wanted to join The Outlaws! She didn't want to kill them at all!

During the epilogue, all of the members of The Hero Manifesto (including the mimes who lost their heads and disappeared from reality) are all alive and accounted for and ready to be shipped off across the sea. I guess Jason Todd and Roy Harper have reformed (even if they actually killed all of these now not dead people earlier in the story. Hooray for nonsense!). Plus Jason Todd hires The Joker's Daughter to be part of their Heroes for Hire bullshit.

What editorial mandate was this? How long before Red Hood goes back to killing?

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #6 Rating: No change. So Red Hood and Roy Harper are done with killing people! Pussies. But at least all of the people who love Red Hood and love Arsenal but hate seeing them written by Scott Lobdell have company! Welcome fan favorite The Joker's Daughter to ruination! I can hear The Joker's Daughter's fans rolling over in their black sheets in their black painted room full of blacklight posters of unicorns! We're gonna have a good time in this comic book now!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #5

If Red Hood and Arsenal are busted by Batman, it's only because they wanted to be busted by Batman and he fell for it. What a dope!

Whenever I read this comic book, I think, "How does he do it? How does Scott Lobdell, a severely older person, manage to nail what it's like to be a young person?" I suppose he's just that great at writing and imagining things! I can never figure out how to make young characters act so I just fill all of my stories with old people. Otherwise my stories sound contrived and poorly researched. One time I went to an arcade to talk with young people so I could pick up some of their slang and learn to talk like them. Then I wrote this scene based on my observations.

Male Teenager: "Oh yeah. We're heading up to the Twenty One Pilots show later. You got the Molly?"
Female Teenager: "Not yet. I plan on scoring some on the...what the fuck?"
Male Teenager: "Hunh?"
Female Teenager: "Ew. That creepy fucking old guy at the next table keeps fucking staring at me."
Male Teenager: "Who? That weirdo with the 'fro scribbling in his notebook? What a fat loser."
Female Teenager: "Ugh. He's so gross. Hey! Old fuck! You never seen tits before?"
Male Teenager: "Want I should beat his ass?"
Female Teenager: "Fuck no. I'm going to beat his ass myself if he keeps fucking scribbling in that stupid fucking notebook! You hear me, you eye rapist?!"
Male Teenager: "Is he...oh god! He just pissed himself!"
Female Teenager: "Ha ha! Let's get the fuck out of here. Whackjob."

Most of that scene is fictional and only based slightly in reality on my observations. I made most of it up in my head and, anyways, I spilled my Coke in my lap.

Like last issue, this issue begins with Batman battling Red Hood and Arsenal. It starts off with Jason Todd thinking something super smart the way young people are constantly thinking things smartly.

I've left my house dozens of times and I still manage to get back in! Whoever made up that saying must have had a poor sense of direction.

Whoops. I guess Red Hood and Arsenal are now working with Batman. I couldn't remember if they'd gotten past the point where the good guys realize they should be teaming up instead of fighting. I guess they have. Batman is blasting Underbelly with sonic blasters which makes sense because loud music is cool to young people. Commissioner Gordon (who is in the bat armor in case you didn't know since nobody narrated that it was him so how could you know if you just picked up this issue?) is yelling, "Freeze! Or don't." I'm not sure that sounds like something Old Man Gordon would say since he's an old man and you know old men don't say snarky, whimsical things that totally crack me up every time.

Luckily for new readers, Red Hood introduces himself on the next page. And everybody is reminded that Roy Harper is a "Rockabilly Genius." I'm always thankful of that reminder so when Roy Harper creates some technological marvel out of silly putty and used retainers, I don't have to think, "Wait. What? How is that even possible?" I can just think, "Way to go, Rockabilly Genius! You are the master of the Day Sex Mockingjay!"

Underbelly, being a criminal thought and not actually a living organism, reconstitutes itself right when the Rockabilly Genius says it will. It then knocks out Batman because who needs an old person getting in the way of the hilariously exciting fight that's about to take place!

But first an appropriately overly long explanation of Underbelly's origin! By Underbelly! And to the two guys trying to kill it!

I'm so glad Scott Lobdell spends as much time as he does explaining and reexplaining the story or I'd never be able to follow this comic book. How can anybody of above average intelligence read this comic book? It probably comes off as patronizing to people who can actually remember things. New readers are probably really thankful for all of these reminders of things said and done in previous issues as well because how else would they follow the story if they didn't pick up the previous issue? As a person who reads this series consistently, I do not at all feel cheated by all of these wasted pages written without any thought to the loyal fans who already know all of this stuff. I get that it's a necessary evil in comic book writing. Also it makes writing each issue easier for poor, overworked Scott Lobdell who can burn through five or six pages just repeating things from the last issue.

Whoops! I thought the one page I scanned was the end of Underbelly's monologue. But he goes on to explain how he fed off the evil and corruption of Gotham until he became the evil and corruption of Gotham! He became the reason Gotham was so horrible! He was the ultimate criminal mastermind and evil influence! It all makes sense now. Underbelly is why Gotham is so awful and Red Hood and Arsenal are going to kill it and save the city!

I'm actually surprised they didn't kill Underbelly while he was wasting time explicating the plot. They're slackers.

Roy Harper is always ready with a timely cultural quip!

Three pages ago, Red Hood said he was going to kill Underbelly. But while writing the interim pages, Scott Lobdell had a better idea and that was to show how Red Hood is more compassionate than Old Man Batman! He realizes that Underbelly deserves a second chance because The Joker was involved with creating him. Hey! That's a lot like how Batman gave Red Hood a second chance even though he came back as a murderous jerk! Why shouldn't Jason Todd reform Underbelly? I knew Jason Todd was an empathetic, compassionate, understanding hunk! But before Red Hood can give Underbelly a hug, Old Man Batman jumps up and begins beating Underbelly in the face!

Ha ha! Yeah! He's totally a butt! Trying to arrest people who have broken multiple laws and murdered countless people! Daring to think people aren't above the law even if they're breaking the law for their own good reasons! Butt butt butt butt butt butt butt!

Roy Harper runs off to fetch his Day Sex Mockingjay when Jason Todd is suddenly possessed by Underbelly! Oh no! He's turned on Batman! I wonder how this is...oh wait. He's not possessed. That was just...um...a twist? A bit of tension that totally wasn't contrived? Another point where Scott Lobdell changed his mind after he thought up a better idea a few panels later? I don't want to call that bit of drama a misstep but...well...you know what? I'm probably just too dumb to understand this comic book. Red Hood was almost possessed because Underbelly can possess evil people but Red Hood isn't evil and that was the point of showing how he was possessed for a little bit. To show he's not evil because Underbelly can only possess evil hearts and Jason Todd's heart isn't evil which is why he was only possessed for a short time. Um. Anyway.

The Rockabilly Genius returns and shoots his Day Sex Mockingjay arrow into Underbelly and the fight is over. Underbelly is destroyed from coast to coast! "How did it work?" you ask? I'll tell you how it worked: Arsenal is a tech genius who is also rockabilly but not in any way that you would recognize as rockabilly which is why you have to constantly be reminded lest you forget. Boom! Underbelly destroying arrow. Totally explained in the comic book and completely makes sense. I suppose. I'm not a genius so if Roy says the arrow has an EMP neural disrupting gas delivered by electricity which can also be relayed through satellites to all parts of Underbelly across America, I'll take his word for it.

Old people lack all conviction! I thought Red Hood had a rap sheet a mile long? And now you aren't going to arrest him? Bah. No wonder old people ruined the world!

Meanwhile in Mexico some group called the Hero Manifesto are planning to kill Red Hood and Roy Harper. It's chilling! I can't wait!

Later, Jason Todd runs into Bruce Wayne at the Lucius Fox Home for Wayward Youths. Bruce Wayne doesn't recognize him and Jason Todd doesn't know why. But then that's perfect! Because Jason Todd is always thinking, "I would never say this out loud but..." and then he thinks something that he should really say out loud because it would be nice to hear! So now that Bruce doesn't know who he is, it's the perfect time to hug him and thank him for everything! Otherwise Jason Todd would have just thought, "I would never thank him out loud even though I totally want to thank him!" I guess Jason Todd now respects what Bruce did for him rather than still being angry for whatever reasons young people have to be angry at older people for?

Yay! Roy Harper is dead! No more fucking Roy Harper Narration Boxes! No more stupid inexplicable weapons! No more fucking rockabilly genius! No more...err, I mean, NOO! NOT ROY! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #5 Rating: +1000 Rankings! How come DC Comics doesn't publish more comic books like this? Scott Lobdell has his pulse on the finger of the youth! Has any comic before this ever had this kind of plotting or characterization? I think you'd have to say, "No, sir! Not at all!" If DC Comics really loved money, they would remove Scott Lobdell's brain to find out how it worked. Then they would apply their knowledge to the hiring of other writers by comparing their brain to Scott Lobdell's! Judging by the results, they would know instantly if the new hire were a terrifically great writer or a superbly horrible writer who might be the worst writer ever! Scott Lobdell, I implore you for the sake of the comic book reading community: give your brain up for science!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #4

I bet Batman loses because he's an adult and adults are BLECH!

This is my favorite comic book that DC puts out each month. It is full of action and rebellion and hilarious jokes. My favorite character is the rockabilly genius. He is so rockabilly and smart! One of the things he does that is totally hilarious is when he says to himself, "Note to self!" Then he says a thing that he wants to remember later! His name is Roy Harper and he is a red-headed, half-Navajo, recovering alcoholic. His best friend in all of the world is Jason Todd, also known as the Red Hood. He is quite funny himself. When he meets somebody who annoys him a little bit, he shoots that person in the face with two guns! Ha ha! Take that, minor annoyance! You deserved it! They are currently working as Freelance Vigilantes which is a much better career choice than Salaried Vigilantes because they have more free time to themselves and they get to be picky about the jobs they choose. But they have to be careful being freelance! If they are not careful, they will find they did not put enough money away at the end of the year to pay all of their taxes! That could shut them down for good!

This issue begins with Roy and Jason visiting Gotham City to promote their business. If you are new to this comic book series, do not worry. Jason Todd narrates the story and makes sure at the beginning of every issue that new readers can be caught up on who he is. In this issue, he explains that he was a Robin and that he was pretty good at it until he died. Ha ha! That is a good joke, correct? If he were pretty good at the job, he would not have died while attempting it. Then he points out how he came back to life with a huge mad-on. Oh! I know that phrase! When a writer wants to show just how well they can write while also connecting with a young, rebellious audience, they drop in the phrase "mad-on." When you see that phrase, you know exactly the quality of writing you will be getting in the comic book.

Roy and Jason have encountered Batman on the first page of the comic book. That makes things very exciting because nobody wants to read about how they traveled from Detroit to Gotham. That would be very boring and I would not want to continue reading the comic book. But this is very exciting! I am literally excited! Pretty soon, Batman, who is an adult, will learn a lesson about not taking young people lightly! Young people are very smart and know a lot of things that old people are too stupid and biased to know. If old people were smart then they wouldn't have had so much sexism and racism in the world before young people could change it, right?

I really like how much Roy and Jason narrate the story so that I can be right inside of their heads and know everything they are thinking. It helps me to understand their motivations which would be difficult to understand if I just looked at the pictures and read the dialogue because the narration often contradicts the dialogue and images. Plus Roy and Jason can be very snarky inside their heads in ways that they are not being snarky with their mouths. It is so funny that I cannot be drinking soda while reading the comic book.

Ha ha! I thought this was funny when Jason Todd was just being sarcastic. But it reaches a whole new level of hilarity when he makes the clarification that he was being sarcastic!

Roy Harper makes a great pun about throwing the baby out with the bat-water which I didn't get at first and had to look up because I'd never heard the phrase "to throw the baby out with the bathwater." But once I realized that was a thing older people say (which Roy knows about because he is a genius), it was super funny. I'm not sure what the phrase means or how it fits into the battle but it's pretty clever anyway, right?

Even though the comic book began perfectly by starting with a battle, the story winds up jumping back to hours earlier when no fighting was taking place. It is slightly disappointing because I just want to see Red Hood and Arsenal kick the butt of the new Batman. But I guess I don't mind since I now get some conversation between Roy and Jason which should be hilarious.

In case you missed it earlier when Jason Todd narrated that he was the Red Hood, or the part where Robot Batman called them "Red Hood and Arsenal," Jason Todd explains in his narration that he is Jason Todd and Red Hood and his friend is Roy Harper and Arsenal. I'm super glad that he continues to clarify this stuff because you never know when a new reader will pick up a new issue and begin reading it on page four.

See? Roy Harper is a genius. He already knows how to defeat Underbelly. You can tell because he pointed out that he was being brilliant with his new idea that would probably make perfect sense if Jason Todd had let him finish his thought.

Jason Todd runs into a woman that used to care about him a lot when they were both just kids on the street. He could never drive her away from him because she was totally in love with his tight abs and rebellious attitude. He would say, "Get away from me! I can take care of myself!" And Gabby would be, "Oh my! I think I just peed myself with love pee!" He remembers this one time where she was very nice to him in the past. It only lasts for half a page but now I know exactly how much she means to him and how much he meant to her and I hope they kiss and do the other things that happen after the kissing! The thing that makes them both pee love pee! That is an adult thing but I understand it just fine. I have seen the pornographic websites on my father's laptop that doesn't work anymore for some reason.

Jason leaves Gabby a thousand dollar tip instead of taking her into a seedy motel bedroom like she really wanted. He then goes off to pout about Batman saving his life as a kid because look where that got him! Dead, that's where!

Roy Harper has gone off to meet Killer Croc under an Alcoholic's Anonymous Meeting. He lied to Jason about going there because Roy and Jason are best friends and completely trust each other. So much so that they can lie to each other's faces and know that the other one already knows they're lying and nobody needs to explain anything and it saves face and makes dignity and is not immature at all but very realistic.

This dialogue would be easier to understand if Jason Todd narrated what they were talking about! More narration please, Mister Lobdell!

Meanwhile "behind" the Mexican Border, Palette wakes up full of holes. I don't know why he's called Palette but I think it's because he loves having paint mixed on him. He was dead but now he's not. That probably somehow explains why Suzie Su is staring at him from the corner of the room. See, she was dead once and now she's not! I'm glad she's back and alive because Jason Todd really isn't the cold blooded murderer that some writers like to portray him as being. So when he previously shot Suzie Su in the face, he probably knew she would come back to life and that he wasn't actually murdering her at all. Although Jason Todd is no Batman and he understands that bad people sometimes need to die, he's not as cruel or vicious as that scene where he murdered Suzie made him look. He's really just a lost, angry kid who had a lot of bad breaks and feels like he was abandoned by his cherished father figure. He just needs to be loved! But not in the peeing love pee way of love. He needs caring non-doing-it intimacy like you would get from your mother or your uncle or a dog. He needs hugs, the poor baby!

Why is Jason Todd always thinking things he would never say out loud?! What kind of person hides their true thoughts?! Poor damaged baby-faced, rock-hard-absed Jason Todds, that's who! My poor sweetie!

Jason Todd believes the city is only behaving because it's being watched by cameras. How did that ever stop Gotham from behaving before?! He doesn't want to be watched doing whatever it is he's going to do, so he shoots out the camera.

Here he is shorting out the camera.

And here is the footage. It's been edited!

Roy meets Jason outside the place where Jason thinks they'll find the Gotham version of Underbelly. Jason Todd points out in the narration that he knows about Roy's secret meeting which isn't awful and horrible at all but good. It is very good. It is so very good that Jason Todd must know about this thing. It would be so very bad if Roy Harper somehow were allowed to have a thing he did in secret without Jason Todd obviously knowing everything there was to know about that thing. It...is...so...very...eeeEeeeerrrrrr...good. Gasp. Gasp. Okay. Okay. Fun comic book. Good comic book. Best comic book.

Jason Todd tells Roy a story which is proof for why the location he's scouted is where Underbelly was created. See, this one time, he and Batman battled some villains there and it wasn't fun. There you go. Proof. Bingo. Bad place.

But before Jason Todd can drop the real big bit of evidence, Batman attacks! So now the story has caught up with the beginning and it's time for a big action packed battle!

What do you mean, "How is that possible?" It's only happened to you and your Bat-Armor in every single appearance you've made since Bruce died!

As Roy and Jason battle Robot Batman, Jason narrates how he was holding back in all of his attempts to kill Batman. I knew it! He could have killed him if he wanted to! Batman is such a decrepit old stooge! And Jason Todd isn't a psychopathic murderer and never has been no matter how many stories seem to say otherwise! He's my favorite and he's the way I think he should be and will always be that way and everybody who writes him different is wrong! He's such a sympathetic boo-bear!

Underbelly appears during the battle so that nobody will ever know if Red Hood and Arsenal could defeat Robot Batman (they totally could). Now they'll all have to battle Underbelly! Which shouldn't be too hard since Arsenal blew up Underbelly with a single arrow last issue.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #4 Rating: +52 Rankings! How is this comic book not outselling every other comic book published each month? It is so very entertaining and full of value. The jokes are sublime and other words that are synonymous with sublime. The narration is very helpful and very much appreciated because it helps to understand who Jason Todd is and how extremely capable he is even if his actions would seem to show otherwise. Because even if he's being defeated by his opponent, he can narrate the story and say, "I could easily defeat this opponent but reasons prevent me." See? He's the best! Also, whenever anybody does something in secret without telling Jason about it, he can narrate, "I know exactly what they are up to because I am the smartest and the very best." If you want to read a comic book that nails the characterization of two rebellious young people then you should be reading this comic book. And remember that Roy Harper is a rockabilly genius because it might not be very apparent and I'm not sure how often Jason Todd narrated that fact this issue.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #3

My kid's party does need a couple of clowns this weekend.

Deep breath. Deeper breath. Repeat mantra: "I will give Red Hood Loves Arsenal every chance to shine. I will give Red Hood Loves Arsenal every chance to shine. I will give Red Hood Loves Arsenal every chance to shine. I will lie my fucking head off to prove that I'm not biased."

Okay! I did my part! Now it's time for you to do your part, Scott Lobdell! Write this one out of the park, big guy!

The issue begins as expected: one full page panel with Red Hood Narration Boxing some not very good jokes to himself. He's one of those guys who has to clarify every thought that goes through his own head just in case he misunderstands himself. It seems he and Roy have decided not to work with Tara Battleworth but to become "freelance vigilantes" which I think is just a stupid way of saying "mercenaries." I would say a "fancy way" but I hate Scott Lobdell's writing.

Well, I kept my bias out of the commentary for a full ten minutes! Of course I was petting the cat and wasn't actually typing anything during those ten minutes. Still, I think it's a record.

"Note to self" jokes are the purview of hack comedy writers and failed stand-up comedians! Using the word "purview" probably means something too! Especially if I used it wrong!

Why does Jason Todd have to tell himself not to ever tell Roy Harper that he trusts him more than anybody he's ever trusted? He really should tell himself to tell him. That would be a nice thing to know and a sweet thing to hear from a friend. It would really make their working relationship better! And since Jason Todd began this comic book thinking about how important it is to know your partner, shouldn't he fucking tell his partner shit like this?! Maybe their special chemistry only works if Roy Harper's low self-esteem forces him to continually try to prove himself to Jason Todd and to win his love. I guess Jason Todd learned a lot more from Bruce Wayne than I realized.

Arsenal has purchased billboards to "Rent-a-bat" with a really hilarious and embarrassing phone number. Well, he is a rockabilly genius! You can never tell what a rockabilly genius is going to do! Also, if I keep calling him a rockabilly genius enough times (in much the way Scott Lobdell does), everybody will have to accept that it's true. Then when they tell their friends about this shitty comic book they read, they'll say, "And this one guy is a total rockabilly and a genius!" And their friend will be all, "Oh yeah?! What makes him rockabilly? His clothes? His hair? His tattoos? His attitude?!" And the dumb guy who paid for Red Hood Loves Arsenal will be all, "No! It's the way he's constantly referred to as rockabilly by the writer! Also he's a genius! And before you ask how I know, it's because the comic book keeps saying he is. And he must be because he invents all these great gadgets like napalm flamethrowers and napalm-proof masturbation lotions!"

After Roy and Jason complete the cold opening mission, they go back to their Los Angeles headquarters from which they hopefully won't be evicted from like last time since they're making money being "freelance vigilantes" now. Jason needs to point out why they're in Los Angeles and it turns out it's because Roy likes sunny places that aren't islands and Jason enjoys "artifice as lifestyle." My, my, Mister Lobdell! Look at how intellectually snide you've become, you East Coast snob! I don't like Los Angeles myself. It's the big neon dumpster grabbing the rest of the country's attention so that when they think "California," they think L.A. Well, it's a big state, you know! Some of it is actually really fucking nice!

Tara Battleworth kicks down their front door pissed off that Arsenal has begun advertising on the web to support their new mercenary business. I mean, their new "freelance vigilante" corporation. I don't know why she cares. She sent them on an audition, she paid them some money, they parted ways. Or did I miss the part where they signed a contract that said if they pass the audition, they become her ass puppets?

Why? Why do they need to be taken care of? Are you going to hire them to stop yourself? That would be a bad idea.

Arsenal is impressed by how many views their ViewTube commercial has received. Hey dumbass! How many phone calls have those views generated?! That's when you start making money! Didn't somebody say this guy was a genius somewhere?

Tara Battleworth decides she can't use Red Hood and Arsenal anymore and storms out of their headquarters. I hope she was in town for other business because DC to LA was a long way to go just to scream at these idiots. So they lost Tara's business? Big deal! Remember how Arsenal put the goofy phone number on the Rent-A-Bat ad? Well it's paying off already because he already received an email from a client! I totally want to make fun of that except I have a phone number for my business that I never answer because it sends me email alerts where I get to play the voice messages. Dammit. Oh well, I'm sure I'll find another way to make fun of these jerks before the comic book is over.

At the end of the last issue, Jay and Roy were in Detroit to meet a decrepit old guy in a seedy looking house. But when they get to Detroit in this issue, they're meeting a middle-aged guy on a park bench. Maybe the old guy in the house will come later! Although the meeting with the old guy took place two days after Roy and Jason got their check from Tara Battleworth, so it seems unlikely that the meeting with this other guy on a park bench is happening earlier than that! That would mean Roy rented the new apartment in Los Angeles and moved all of this shit and advertised for Rent-a-Bat and already got millions of views and blew all of the money in about 24 hours.

There's also a typo in the Detroit scene. Ha ha! Dumb editors! I'm glad I don't hire editors so when somebody points out one of my typos, I can blame it on not having an editor and then nobody is at fault at all! Especially not me in any way!

It turns out they meet the old guy later that evening. So Roy did spend all of their money quicker than you can say some thing that's really easy to say quickly. Something like, "I love to suck dicks!" Did you try to say it quickly? Ha ha! You like to suck dicks! That's funny if you don't actually like to suck dicks. If you do actually like to suck dicks, send me a message!

This is the guy who wanted to hire them. I think maybe he didn't even see the commercial. He's probably been trying to hire himself "The Outlaws" for some time now.

Underbelly kills his assistant and Red Hood unloads his guns into Underbelly. Underbelly just told them that he's paranormal though so he's probably okay. But Jason Todd points out that only bad guys like this will probably be calling them for "freelance vigilante" work because that's just the stupid way of saying mercenary, remember?! I guess they're going to have to go apologize to Tara Battleworth now. They'd better or else why the fuck was she even introduced into this story?

Underbelly recovers long enough to point out that he can't be killed because he's an allegory. You can't kill an allegory! Well, usually you can't kill an allegory. But I bet a rockabilly genius can come up with a way to kill an allegory!

Roy blows him up for now but he'll probably come up with a permanent solution later. Maybe some cuffed jeans and some hair wax along with an arrow that can kill allegories. "An arrow that can kill allegories" is probably all the explanation you'll get and you'll be glad for it because you're already 95% certain that Roy is a genius, so why can't he come up with something cool like that? Anyway, Jason decides Rent-a-Bat is a good idea now because they'll probably get calls from assholes and then Roy and Jay can kill those assholes. I'm sure the "profit" part of the corporation will manifest after every murder somehow.

Although I still think Tara Battleworth needs to get involved because she was super good at bluffing and research and why else would she have been introduced?

The epilogue for this issue/prologue for next issue has Roy and Jason in Gotham battling Commissioner Batman. I bet that'll be cause for a lot of yucks!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #3 Rating: No change. There are writers working at DC Comics who used the extra couple of months during Convergence to plan out some interesting stories when the DC Youniverse got back on its feet. And then there are writers who knew they were going to be writing Red Hood Loves Arsenal (I'm not going to name names) and came up with an idea for a story where Jay and Roy would go legit by working for Tara Battleworth's organization. But then two months into building that story, he decided, for whatever reason, to trash it for the Rent-a-Bat Comedy Hour. I actually think the Rent-a-Bat idea should work well for Lobdell's target audience of fourteen year old boys. I'm just a bit annoyed when writers don't even try to hide their incompetence behind the emerald curtain. Does nobody hold Lobdell to anything he pitches? Or does he even need to pitch anything? I suppose he's just got the Red Hood job for as long as he wants it at this point no matter how much of a mess he's making of the character. Not that the character was really very interesting in the first place. Aside from angry petulant youth who think everybody is against them, who cares about this piece of shit and his asshole friend? People who want to hug and kiss away his crowbar-induced tears?! Fans who look at Batman and see his image replaced by their father's instead?! Kids who just want to fuck his rock hard body until they're too sore to care?! I suppose in a different Youniverse where Jason and Roy were being written by somebody other than Mister Lobdell, I might care for them. Maybe. I doubt it though. I'd rather read an Aqualad comic book. And not the Aqualad from the cartoons! I'm talking Sixties Aqualad!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #2

It's a fart joke! With mimes! In France! Sublime!

Last issue, Roy Harper and Jason Todd accepted a job with Tara Battleworth. She works for the government or something. She's less a character and more a means to introduce new plots to the comic book. Red Hood and Arsenal can't be seen as anti-heroes anymore. They need to be accepted into the mainstream. But since Red Hood uses guns and guns kill people (or people with guns kill people which is just the douchebaggy way of saying guns kill people), Red Hood needs to be working for the law in order for his killing to be within the acceptable parameters of legalized murder. He's just a soldier and soldiers aren't responsible for the people they kill, right?

Anyway, Jason and Roy are now legit! They're likeable even! I mean, if you love Narration Box after Narration Box of them thinking things to themselves and then clarifying their thoughts to themselves and then explaining the clarifications of their thoughts to themselves. It's super hilarious and really helps the reader get into the mind of the characters. And the pictures are to get into the pants of the characters.

I want to argue about the Batcave not having a shower but I think it's the "steaming hot" that makes his statement true. Obviously Batman only takes cold showers.

Jason Todd uses some seriously lathery crotch cream! Maybe that's his shaving lotion? The entire lower half of his body must be covered in hair.

Roy Harper helps dry Jason Todd off with his napalm flame thrower. It's so cute and fun-loving! These two scamps!

The blurb introducing the characters states that Roy Harper was "laid low by his addiction to alcohol." That's too bad. I liked it better when he had an addiction to heroin. But I think the Reboot softened him up so that he only managed to be an alcoholic and not a trainspotter. Is that what you call somebody addicted to heroin? If not, why was that movie called Trainspotting?! Maybe they mentioned it in the movie but since they were speaking a foreign language most of the time, I must have missed it!

I want to say the comic book is better and more understandable if you ignore the Narration Boxes. But I can't because what the hell are they talking about?! How does Roy go from "teflon body spray" to "practically famous"?

When Jason Todd narrates "Look at this place: he's never going to grow up," I look at the place. It looks like a well-organized garage or workshop. You know who I think of when I see something like that? Adults! Particularly adult men but then I was born in 1971 and women weren't allowed in garages or workshops until around the time Danica Patrick began driving race cars.

The rest of the Narration Boxes just prove that Scott Lobdell doesn't remember anything except the sentence he's currently writing. I believe you let Roy Harper talk you into all of those things because you leave all the decision to Roy Harper, Jason Todd! Duh!

Oh hey! Here's more proof that Lobdell doesn't pay attention to anything he writes! Jason and Roy head over to ask Tara Battleworth for a job (because they don't have it yet! That bit at the end of the first issue was a sneak peek into the future) but she's rescinding her offer.

Oh really? She didn't know they were outlaws in their first encounter?

I guess the Interpol file only had good things to say about them?

Wait wait! It only gets better! Here's the moment she actually offers them a job with her:

She knows they're outlaws! She didn't need to do any more research!

I know Scott Lobdell/Red Hood/Arsenal fans will be able to do the logical contortions to explain away (or just completely ignore) little things like this. Plus I think DC's penchant for "fixing" comic books when they go to trade will take care of some of this as well. I have a feeling Lobdell continues to remain lazy in his writing because it can all be fixed up later in the trades. And these really are nitpicky things because I love to nitpick. But every bit like this builds a case to show how much a writer cares about what he's writing. To me this is just more proof (along with many more examples which can be found in the last few years of my commentaries) that Lobdell doesn't give a shit.

Back to the comic book, Roy mentions how "outlaw" fails to account for any nuance. Well, you're the one who decided to call your little outfit the Outlaws! And, might I add, I'm the one who pointed out that y'all never referred to yourselves as "outlaws" for most of the run of the comic until you suddenly began mentioning how you did call yourself "outlaws" and now it would seem to work better if you'd just kept from calling yourselves that, right? Ah, forget it! I keep trying to not be distracted by these little things and just comment on the story and characters but I can't help it! I have a compulsive need to find inconsistencies in Lobdell's work! So much so that I almost always try too hard in one or two places (like this outlaw thing!) and that always leaves me open to criticism of my criticism on that one stupid point I couldn't help making! But nobody ever goes over every point I bring up because 95% of them are unarguable!

Tara Battleworth offers to give Roy and Jason an audition. But she doesn't know their real names which seems odd since they're in her office without any kind of disguises. I guess she doesn't know you can use the "internet" to find matches of pictures of people? And that's just a tool available to anybody! She's a high powered Washington DC something or other with access to lots of secret technology! Plus she mentions how she must know everything! And after all that, Jason Todd still Narration Boxes, "I can't tell if she's bluffing. Tara Battleworth is that good." Of course she's bluffing! You're in her office out of costume! She knew who you were as soon as her cameras saw you!

Oh wait! I'm forgetting that Roy Harper is a technological genius! I'm sure he's equipped them both with some kind of Spyral face altering techno-doodad.

Now remember, kids: Tara Battleworth is that good! That's truly some of the best organic character building I've ever seen!

Hey! Let's get back to that evicted thing! Remember how they were evicted between the time they got a briefcase full of money and their battle with mimes in France (which they haven't gotten to but it'll be important in a second!)? The first issue ended with Roy and Jason battling mimes on the Eiffel Tower with a caption that said "One Week Later." I guess that means Roy invited Jason to live with him after not having paid rent for a few months. And I guess he forgot about rent after getting that briefcase full of money and spending it on a napalm gun and teflon shower gel. I guess Roy really hasn't grown up at all, has he?

"It's a thing I do for my sobriety! I buy some junk on the street, cook it up, tie myself off, and don't shoot up! Totally normal!"

The "audition" in Paris is a simple flash drive recovery from some diplomat or something. It's so easy that Red Hood and Arsenal decide to beat up a bunch of terrorists and arms dealers while they wait for the diplomat to get off of work. Tara doesn't like it.

No, they don't work for you! Not yet! This is an audition! Maybe your clients should be less concerned with why they haven't done the job yet and more concerned why you sent two untrained, untested, unloyal loose cannons on their job?

One note on the arist, Paolo Pantalena: he's trying too hard to be Kenneth Rocafort. Nobody should try to emulate Kenneth Rocafort. Nobody.

Then there's this scene over dinner in the Eiffel Tower where the Mime Swarm attacks and it makes me think this: Holy fucking shit I hate this comic book.

This comic book is less cute and clever than it thinks it is. It's more like when you start up your lawn mower and you inexplicably turn it on its side and then you get down on your hands and knees and you slowly stick out your tongue and stick it into the blades?

Red Hood and Arsenal defeat the Mimes and the guy controlling the Nanobot Mimes (always nanobots!) with his mind. But two of the mimes are saved from oblivion by Tara Battleworth. I think. I'm sure they'll become evil versions of Red Hood and Arsenal later. In the meantime, I guess Red Hood and Arsenal set up a website where people can hire them? Or maybe they're still accepting jobs from Tara Battleworth? Or...well, whatever the source, they accept a job in Detroit via the Internet. Then they say some more things that aren't funny.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #2 Rating: -1 Ranking. I really went into this issue hoping I could just read it and comment on the story without picking it apart but that failed. It always fails. It isn't totally my fault! It takes two to fail! I blame Scott Lobdell's writing as much as I blame my horribly cynical need to tear everything apart. But then what did I expect from a comic book that put a fart joke on the cover?