Death of Hawkman #3

I hope these two guys discuss archaeology for most of this book.

I hope Andreyko decides to surprise everybody and kill off Hawkman three issues early! The story would still have to deal with the aftermath of Hawkman's death and Adam Strange would have to overcome crazy odds to win (because he's, you know, just stupid Adam Strange. All he has is a laser pistol. Although it's better than a mace, I guess?). The only reason I can think to not kill Hawkman this issue is that it's the only reason most of us are probably reading this series. As soon as Hawkman dies, I'll be satisfied with the story.

Adam Strange is having trouble dealing with killing people. He's not used to being in actual wars where lives are at stake. The only thing he's good at is banging his students. He's apparently so manly that he nearly vomits seeing Katar's penis. Unless Thanagarians have disgusting looking genitals. That's probably a better explanation.

Seeing Katar's penis was where the flashback left off last issue. The story continues from there which is a shame because Hawkman is definitely not going to be dying in a flashback.

Aha! Strange is definitely intrigued by Katar's nakedness!

The woman who bedded Hawkman is named Seraphene so if I knew anything about DC Comics, I'd probably know how she's super important now or something. The only Seraphene I can think of is one of those Forever People. But I don't think she's white or blonde or into fucking Hawkmen.

Katar and Adam realize Despero is behind the attempt to set Rann and Thanagar on a path to war. But they're no match for Despero! They're only C-List members of Justice League Canada. What can they do to save two worlds from destroying each other?

Seraphene might not be as important as I thought she'd be. She's just a plot point so that the security forces on Thanagar would know where to find Adam Strange when the report goes out that he's wanted.

Cyborg is able to confirm that Despero is no longer in Belle Reve. Well, maybe somebody should have placed him in The Catacombs underneath Death Valley! That's where the truly dangerous cosmic villains are supposed to be held. I guess The Catacombs didn't actually exist at the time. Or maybe Batman forgot to tell Justice League Canada about the prison.

Before Hawkman and Adam Strange can begin their pursuit of Despero (without any help because, as usual, the rest of the League is "on a mission." And nobody cares if Cyborg joins them. It's going to take a lot more than a White Noise Cannon to stop Despero), some Thanagarian security guards arrive to beat the shit out of Adam Strange.

Back on his home planet, Despero kills the priests maintaining the stasis pods of everyone on Kalador. He then frees them and convinces them to be his army to take over some other planets. I hear Rann and Thanagar are particularly nice this time of the galactic cycle. I mean, I don't know where they're actually headed but Hawkman and Adam Strange are headed to Kalador, so maybe they'll run into each other along the way.

Meanwhile, Alanna is acting like an asshole. Maybe she's only now realizing Adam Strange's abuse of power and manipulation of trust in forming a relationship with one of his students. Or student aides. Nearly the same thing.

The Ranking!
No change. DC Comics has decided that all of their mini-series need to be six issues long. But none of their writers seem to be able to come up with a six issue long story. So the pacing is generally all over the place as they try to stretch what little story they have over 120 pages. This issue is absolutely a filler issue. Everything that happened this issue could easily have taken place in a couple pages at the end of last issue and maybe a couple pages at the beginning of the next issue. And I'm sure both of those issues have some pages they could have tossed out.

Death of Hawkman #2

Last issue was mostly a trip to the DMV. I hope this one features a more exciting errand.

Either this issue actually features Hawkman or DC figures people read the first issue and know what's up because this cover doesn't read "Featuring Adam Strange!" I still think this should be called "Adam Strange stars in Strange's Death of Hawkman featuring Adam Strange!"

For this next paragraph, I'm going to assume there are people who like Hawkman.

How would you like to be a fan of Hawkman and then have to read a book about Adam Strange? And, assuming as well that there are Adam Strange fans, how would you like to miss the biggest story featuring Adam Strange because the title was "Death of Hawkman" and all you could think was "Stupid!" as you passed it by to pick up Red Hood and the Outlaws? Well, you'd probably feel like an idiot for a multitude of reasons. But at least Adam Strange is on the cover, so as long as it wasn't a variant cover showing Hawkman fellating himself or an underage girl looking overly sexual, Adam Strange fans probably would have picked it up. Although they probably also would have picked up the comic with the sexualized young girl.

Just a second. My new pretend lawyer Pickle Boy just passed me a note. It reads, "That shot at Adam Strange fans being pedophiles was hilarious! Keep up the legal work!"

This issue begins with blood sloshing all over Adam Strange's head. Is he back at the DMV?

Why am I suddenly thinking about Brokeback Mountain? And why am I suddenly super interested in this fucking. Um, comic! This fucking comic!

Adam and Katar wind up in a battle against "assumed hostiles" before the flashback part of the comic book begins. This time, it's to see what kind of errands Katar Hol went on before winding up on Rann in the middle of a war.

Apparently he had to mail some letters.

Hawkman commits to apprehending a felon (or rebel (or jaywalker))) using excessive force. It's true the "criminal" fights back and even stabs Katar at one point. But it isn't as if Hawkman ever tries to deescalate the situation. I think his whole shtick is to re-escalate situations. It goes a long way toward making Hawkman fans uncomfortable for liking Hawkman so much. If you don't feel uncomfortable about your fangendering over Hawkman after this scene, you might be a bit of a prick. He's just not likable! Unless you like over-the-top violence. I mean, I like Lobo so maybe I'm a hypocrite. But then Lobo's hyperbolic violence has always toed the line between dark humor and outrageously poor taste. And since I like those more than I actually like violence, I'm okay with Lobo. But Hawkman is an authority figure who thinks the best way to fight crime is to bash it all into a bloody paste. You might not see the difference between enjoying a villain who murders indiscriminately and an authority figure tasked with keeping people safe who maims barely discriminately but I do! Mostly because it allows me to not judge my own likes and dislikes because I'm basing them as the norm and anybody's desires which differ too widely from mine is a perverse monster.

The flashback doesn't remain on Hawkman and his visit to the post office. We also catch up on what Adam Strange was doing when he first arrived on Rann at the beginning of this war story.

Dammit. I wish I hadn't seen this. I'm as shocked as you are lady. At least my lawyer, Pickle Boy, says I have even less to fear about litigation from those pedophiles. I mean Adam Strange fans!

Oh man. If you think that one panel was incriminating, wait until you see the two that followed it!

Gross!

Adam Strange remarks that Rann currently looks like Dresden in World War II. I guess he couldn't think of any more modern cities that got the shit bombed out of them in his millennium. Or maybe he just thought better of bringing them up. Dresden is long enough ago that people can think, "Collateral damage was just a part of the world back then! It was necessary and it worked!" Saying that now might not be something you should say, no matter how much you like Hawkman and really want to say it.

Adam finds Alanna alive but Sardath is dead. That's fine because Sardath always winds up betraying people for scientific reasons and then going, "Who?! Me? But look at all the science I got done!"

Back on Thanagar, Hawkman gets dressed down for being too violent. Instead of saying, "Yeah, you know what. Sorry. Maybe I need some counseling or something," he thinks, "But in America, I'm celebrated for bashing people in the face with a mace!" And to drive the point home, he doesn't think about bashing some invulnerable villain into submission. Instead, he remembers a time when he bashed an innocent victim of Starro in the side of the face with his mace. What a fucking dick.

Katar Hol quits or is fired and storms out of the office. What an idiot! Now when he beats the shit out of somebody, it will be as a criminal and not as a badge carrying officer of the peace!

Back on Rann, Alanna decides to blame an entire race of people on the actions of two Thanagarians. I guess she's used to being an American hero as well.

After leaving his job, Katar and his penis decide to go to a bar and have a racy conversation with a lady and her vagina.

I may not know all the ins and outs of sex but I'm pretty sure wet is an innuendo for something that happens during it!

Pickle Boy just Googled "wet" and "sexy times". It turns out when a lady gets really horny, her vagina looks like it sneezed.

Adam Strange decides to investigate the site of the bombing. Luckily the computers weren't damaged by the explosion that made the rest of the city look like Dresden. He discovers that somebody used the Zeta Beam to teleport a number of mystery people to Rann! I bet one of those was Despero because I like to take easy bets that are practically foolproof.

I win the bet! Now who bet against me? Be honest! You owe me ten dollars. No wait! Twenty dollars!

Despero will always be the most dangerous DC Universe enemy to me. Because when I was first getting into comics, the Justice League was destroyed by him. Granted, it was a terrible version of the Justice League with Vibe and Gypsy and Vixen and Steel. But he still destroyed them all! Or at least he made them all feel so bad about themselves that they could barely limp through another few months before being completely dismantled during Legends.

Adam fights with Alanna because she's super racist and really into fear-mongering. But he thinks he has a lead so he tells her he needs to go for a walk and then teleports to Hawkman's apartment where Katar has apparently had the worst sex of his life.

Either it was truly terrible sex or Katar is a really disturbing individual who prefers to beat the shit out of people than to have sex with them. I don't mean the objects of those two statements are the same people! I'm not suggesting he goes out and fucks criminals.

Strange teleports in on Hawkman naked and now I realize why I was thinking of Brokeback Mountain earlier!

The Ranking!
No change! Oh fuck it. I'm enjoying this stupid comic book for some reason. It's probably the sweet anticipation of Hawkman's imminent death. I'm like that guy on the side of the Grecian Urn with an eager boner that will never get to be used. I mean, that might not be so great for the guy with the boner. But at least the lady he's going to put it in (or guy? No wait. The rest of this statement doesn't work if he's Greek. I mean gay) can enjoy the infinite anticipation of the approaching sex act without ever having to experience the terrible letdown of a shitty lover. Also, I won't have to live in anticipation of Hawkman's death for eternity. I just have to survive three more months!

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Metamorpho!

I wonder if Metamorpho ever stabs himself in the face while sleeping. Wait. Does Metamorpho sleep?

Typical political discourse:

"Bush is terrible for all of these reasons!"
"Oh yeah? What about Clinton?!"

"Obama is terrible for all of these reasons."
"Here are facts as to why those reasons are wrong."

"Trump is terrible for all of these reasons!"
"Oh yeah? What about Clinton?!"

How a person doesn't realize they're on the losing side of every argument when their entire rebuttal is a deflection, I'll never know. I'll never know because I don't talk to those people if I can help it. Usually if I'm having a conversation with somebody and they say something stupid, I just wander off. I do occasionally answer their questions on Tumblr but only if I think I'm being witty. That means I always answer them because I always think I'm being witty, much to the chagrin of everybody who knows me.

I just used the word "occasionally" even though I can never spell it. You see, one time I read a way to remember how to spell necessary and I always wind up applying the method to occasionally! The secret to spelling necessary is that a shirt has one 'n'eck, one 'c'ollar, and two 's'leeves. At least that's how I remember the saying even if it sounds stupid now that I type it out. Anyway, occasionally has all of those letters too! So I always wind up spelling it ocassionally on the first attempt! Thank God for Spellcheck! And I mean that literally because you know whoever invented Spellcheck got the idea from God because God was all, "Eeny meeny miney moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if you catch it, let it go. My 'mother' told me to pick the very best one and I pick you to be blessed!"

Last issue, things were happening in this story that I don't really remember. I reread my commentary to refresh my memory but that was nearly a week ago and I can't be bothered to reread it again! I think Java had just shot Metamorpho with one of those weapons that seem to be everywhere in the DC Universe. You know the kind! It's the kind that steals the power from the hero. Here's how the antagonists always seem to get their hands on one of them.

Writer: "Metamorpho sure has a lot of powers! How can anybody ever defeat him?!"
Editor: "I don't know. Can I have a bite of your salami sandwich?"
Writer: "Get out of here! I'm trying to work!"
Editor: "Brrrrt! Fry raid!"
Writer: "What the hell?! You said you didn't want anything when I went out! Get the fuck off of my lunch!"
Editor: "Whatever. You have that script idea yet?"
Writer: "I don't know! How about the bad guy just has a weapon that takes away Rex's powers?"
Editor: "Great! Perfect! Oh, hey, you're out of soda."
Writer: "FUCK!"

That dialogue was going to be completely different and then I made one of the characters an editor and thought, "Editors are jerks! I'd better make this realistic!"

This issue begins with Java defeating Neith and all of her warrior buddies while also disabling Metamorpho with his Lazy Writing Gun. I guess Cavemen are just naturally better fighters than people who have trained for battle their whole lives. I suppose I don't know that much about Java's life before he was thawed out. Maybe he was a champion Cave Fighter? That's like a cage fighter but with one letter changed to make it into a pun that needed to have an explanation or it would just look like I was calling him a guy who fights in caves like a caveman probably would!

I guess this is now Rex's natural form. Too bad. I thought without powers, he might revert to human and we'd get a glimpse of his penis.

Java says what all the idiots in the world couldn't say so they decided to destroy the world instead with their stupid power of democracy: "I'm tired of you looking down at me, thinking you're better than me!" If you've ever had that same thought, you're probably one of those idiots. When somebody expresses a truth and acts confident in that truth because science and evidence are behind them, they aren't even thinking about making you feel stupid. They're just living in reality. I can see how you might begin to feel put upon if your beliefs don't line up with reality. I can see how you might want to begin believing that facts are just opinions and have equal weight. I can see those things but they don't make you any less ignorant when you deny reality for your own desperate attempt to selfishly maintain your world of make-believe. Especially when that make believe world is full of hate. Here's a quick quiz to find out if you're a terrible person: are you angry at whole groups of people you don't know and do you think you're a good person? If you answered yes to both of those, you're the worst person. For transparency's sake, I answered yes to both questions. My whole groups of people I'm angry at are stupid people.

The best part about being vaguely rude and dismissive and insulting to people on the Internet is that I'm not specifically calling anybody out. But people will read this, self-identify with the terrible portrait I've painted with my words, get offended, and then type a rude message to me. I'll usually respond in some flippant way while thinking, "Thanks for identifying yourself, asshole!" But then I'll realize they sent the message anonymously. At that point I'll shake my fist impotently in the air and scream, "You win again, Internet!"

Sapphire arrives to tranquilize Java and say "Thanks but no thanks." Which I think is as bad as saying "Sorry not sorry" except that it really isn't somehow. People who say "sorry not sorry" should be euthanized. I totally stand by that statement no matter how much it makes me sound like Hitler! Besides, I'm pretty sure he popularized the phrase in response to you know what.

By tranquilizing Java, Sapphire has proven to Rex that she actually does want to help and that she isn't a pawn of Simon Stagg at all! Or maybe she was just a little bit but now she's smartened up and gotten with the program and drank the non-branded flavored sugar water drink! Rex decides to trust her, especially since she's the only other character still conscious and he needs somebody to have a conversation with while he saves the day, otherwise the rest of this issue will be super boring. At least up until Kanjar Ro attacks! He must have gotten away earlier for a reason, right?

I first read this as "Tranquilizers, fleshlights...I'm a regular Walmart" and thought, "Wow. Walmart has really changed!"

Rex and Sapphire flirt even worse than I flirt with people. Rex is all, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" And Sapphrie is all, "I lost your diamond testicle!" And Rex is all, "I don't have any more of those!" After typing that, I've changed my mind. That's much better than the way I flirt with people. Usually I look them in the eye and say, "I have a few minutes for nonthreatening sexual contact that should distract you from the thought of death for a little while." I just realized I should have been a teenage goth! I probably would have gotten laid like crazy with that line!

Oh! I just want to talk about the whole "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" bit for a second! I know I've mentioned it before but who is reading this right now who also read whatever commentary I last discussed it in, right? Jesus isn't suggesting that somebody might exist who has never sinned. I mean, that seems obvious but you never know what some Christians might think based on all of the weird shit some of them believe. What he's suggesting is the exact opposite. He's suggesting that nobody exists who has never sinned. And that's the whole point! We are all sinners and we've all been given second (or more!) chances. We must always be given another chance to repent and become better people. Nobody should be condemned to death on one sin without any chance at redemption. It's pretty much what Gandalf said to Frodo (unless it was Bilbo!) when discussing Gollum's fate. That makes sense since Gandalf was basically the Jesus of The Lord of the Rings. What with his magic powers and his coming back from death and his being friends with giant eagles.

The flirting is a success! It's so good that Sapphire decides she'll kiss a mineral shaped like a human even though it currently can't make any kind of penis-like protrusion because Rex lost his powers. While they're kissing, Kanjar Ro kicks them in the faces! Now Rex will have to battle Kanjar Ro without his powers! Which, I guess, just evens up the fight because what the fuck can Kanjar Ro do? I mean aside from the pretty cool double kick to both of their faces as they were kissing. That alone could make him one of my favorite supervillains of all time! I mean, it could if not for how utterly boring and terrible he is in every other way.

Kanjar Ro's attack causes the Orb of Ra to crack and since Rex is currently getting his face smashed into the floor, Sapphire has to risk her life to save the day. She scoops it up and sticks it on a place that looks like maybe that's where it goes, I guess? When she does, there's a blast of energy that turns her into Unity. Unity is basically the Orb of Ra possessing Sapphire's body. So when it describes itself as "Unity", what it really means is a union of the Orb of Ra's mind with Sapphire's amazing butt. But it can still feel her feelings and it is, of course, perplexed by the emotion of love. Being an orb, I suppose it wouldn't have known what love was previously. I mean, as long as it had never met Doctor Magnus, that is.

Unity tells Rex that she can't have sex with him because it would kill him and Rex is all, "I'll take my chances!" But instead, she flies away because DC hates love, I guess.

The issue ends with the planet Dawhatever saved, Sapphire subsumed by some monstrous entity that doesn't give a shit about love, and Metamorpho discovering the passion of having a nemesis! Basically, this story puts Metamorpho's world back to where it was before New 52 destroyed it. Or maybe it resets it to pre-Crisis days? Zero Hour? Whatever. I suppose it's just a new version of the same old shit. I don't ever remember Sapphire being some creature called Unity but then I've never read every single Metamorpho comic in existence. So it might be new. Or it might be one of those things old-timers read and were all, "Yes! Unity! Never my favorite but I remember her! Or it! Or whatever! I wish I could have a bowel movement!"

The Review!
Was it good? I don't know! Some stars out of another arbitrary number of stars! Let he who is without sins cast the first review!

Death of Hawkman #1

Featuring Adam Strange?! Deal!

The Commentary!
• I can't wait until this comic book ends! Not because I hate Hawkman! Because the title indicates that at the end of this comic book, Hawkman will die and I hate Hawkman! It's a subtle difference.

• Here's another thing I don't exactly hate but I certainly don't care much about: the relationship between Rann and Thanagar! I've had enough space pulp fiction this year thanks to Cullen Bunn's Aquaman. If that statement makes your head hurt, complain to that jerk Colon Bunn! And his stupid editor, Brian Cuntingham.

• Ho boy! The DC You Aquaman retooling was terrible! So awful! Criminal almost! I'm talking to a lawyer about a lawsuit! I mean, if I buy a comic book with Aquaman on the cover, I expect a useless idiot talking to fish and fighting for ocean rights! But what did I get with Bunn's Aquaman?! An Aquaman with every super power you can think of and traveling to another planet with lots of Swords and Sorcery bullshit thrown in! Plus his new costume made him look like he was suffering from priapism! Half the time I was reading the comic book, I kept thinking, "Is he going to fight that alien barbarian or fuck him?!"

• The story begins with Hawkman and Adam Strange in the thick of battle! Or just after the thick of battle, anyway. So, you know, it starts in a lull in the action with Hawkman and Adam Strange skulking in debris. Adam Strange mentions this battle began a few weeks ago so I hope this comic book doesn't suddenly go, "A few weeks ago!" Just once, I'd like to read a comic book that begins in the middle of the action and just fucking stays there!

• I noticed the first couple episodes of Luke Cage began like that. They definitely want you to know you're watching a comic book!

Goddammit!

• The story actually begins in the DMV which is at least a little bit more exciting than beginning with Hawkman. At least in the DMV, I'm prepared for interesting characters conquering the mundane battles of a weary world one form at a time! I suppose beginning with Hawkman doesn't mean that's not something that can happen. It just means that instead of thinking about how we're all constant heroes by facing the hardships of adulthood in a society that desperately hates the idea of individuality, I'll be thinking, "Hawkman sucks!"

• Speaking of Hawkman, where the hell is he? This comic book is about his death! You'd think he'd be in the stupid thing for more then three pages! Let me skip ahead a bit while Adam Strange is having trouble with the Zeta Beam and see when he gets back into the story. Ten pages...twelve...sixteen...twenty...oh man. Hawkman isn't even in the rest of this thing! No wonder somebody forced somebody else to put "Featuring Adam Strange" on the cover! Otherwise they might have thought this was a Hawkman comic book! I mean, I'm sure they still thought it was a Hawkman comic book and not an Adam Strange comic book. But it's totally an Adam Strange comic book! Instead of "Featuring Adam Strange", it would have been more honest to put, above "Death of Hawkman", "Adam Strange in..."!

• I think I might have another lawsuit! I'm going to call my pretend lawyer!

• Yes! My pretend lawyer says he thinks we have a case! He seemed a little perturbed that I didn't want to sue for money. If I win, I get to put my scrotum in Dan Didio's mouth for fifteen seconds!

• Luckily Adam Strange's Zeta Beam didn't work because moments after not appearing in front of Alanna and her father, two Thanagarians walk into the lab and say, "Excuse me, do you serve Birdmen here?" Also they ignite the bombs on their chests and blow everything up. Including Alanna and her father. Although probably not.

• How embarrassing would it be to blow yourself up with another guy and then later when you appear in heaven, you go to high-five each other and realize the people you blew up aren't there in heaven with you! Or would it be more embarrassing to high-five in front of the people you just killed? That's kind of tacky, right?

Is this canon?!

• After the DMV and missing his ride to Rann, Adam Strange consults books and maps and does math as he tries to figure out how to get back to Rann. It's so exciting! Who wouldn't have decided the best option when telling this story wasn't to keep telling the story about the battle of Rann but to go back in time when Adam Strange was lost and had to look for directions back home! What a smart choice, Marc Andreyko!

• Adam can't figure out that map I scanned earlier. I guess it has too much information for him to process. So he takes it to Cyborg aboard the Justice League Watchtower. Who gave him a Justice League Identity Card and Teleport Key?!

• Apparently Adam needed to visit those five cities minus New York which makes it four cities so shut up. That's why he needed Cyborg's help! Cyborg, excited to be of some use to some member of the Justice League (even if it's Adam Strange of Justice League Canada), steps up and does the heroic thing! He operates the teleporter! Way to go, Cyborg! That's some of the best work you've done in years!

• Adam flashes his Justice League Identity Card to guards at all the locations he visits (WayneTech, LexCorps, Ferris Air, and Belle Reve) and they all let him in. Nobody says, "We haven't seen your stupid Zeta beam here!" Nobody says, "Get the fuck out! Justice League Canada! Ha ha!" Nobody says, "What's Batman really like?" It's all so unbelievable!

• Adam Strange is on the most boring adventure I've ever read in a comic book. I have to find my "This is totally unbelievable!" moments even in mundane bullshit like this!

• At Belle Reve, Adam asks if any prisoners have disappeared. You know, because of the Zeta Beam misfire! The guards assure him that nobody is missing as they walk by a cell with the name Despero on it. It's in the stasis wing where prisoners are kept in stasis (how is that for an unnecessary explanation?!) if you were wondering, "WHAT THE FUCK IS DESPERO DOING IN A CELL IN BELLE REVE?! HOLY SHIT! OH WAIT! WHY AM I GETTING SO EXCITED OVER A COMIC BOOK?!" I know, being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, that that's a clue! The Zeta Beam must have grabbed Despero! Also, um, Despero is on the cover looking prison-escape smug!

• If Despero is missing from Belle Reve, that means other things from the other locations are probably missing too! So maybe Adam Strange and Hawkman will find a WayneTech accountant on Rann who will help them with a numbers puzzle! And then they'll run into a LexCorps Bizarro janitor who has some kind of deadly laser mop that will help them defeat a monster! And then they'll find Carol Ferris's underwear in a tree which they'll have to sniff because they're only human. Oh, and Thanagarian!

• Eventually, through no actions of his own, Adam is picked up by the Zeta Beam and returns to Rann to find it destroyed!

This is an unfortunate place to cut off Adam's statement. I mean, unfortunate in that I didn't feel like being aroused right now!

The Ranking!
-10! Okay, I guess that's a little harsh. For a comic book where Adam Strange goes to the DMV and then visits a few places on Earth and does nothing to solve the mystery or advance the plot in any way, it wasn't that bad! I mean, the comic is called Death of Hawkman! Somebody made that choice so I don't feel bad ranking that choice quite poorly. When you see the phrase "Death of Hawkman," you immediately think of Thanagarian space battles and hard, well-oiled pectoral muscles, and veiny, throbbing wings, and epic space battles with lasers, and racism! You don't think "Adam Strange having the most boring day ever!" I mean, that's reason enough to rank this comic book like shit! Even though, I mean, Adam Strange's boring day wasn't that terrible a read. If this had been called A Regular Day in the Life of Adam Strange (on Earth Without His Laser or Space Adventures, Just So You Know What You're Getting Into), I probably would have given it a +1!

Batman Loves Superman #32

This has "international incident" written all over it.

The Review!
See that number five on the cover of this book? Just take a black marker and cross it out. Then take your copy of Action Comics #52 and, using your black marker, replace the six with a five. Because you don't need to read this comic book. You don't want to read this comic book. The only thing it accomplished for me was making me hate Superman and Wonder Woman. They act like entitled children in their visit to China (which, I suppose, makes them no worse than most America tourists). The only thing you need to know from this story is that there is now a Chinese Superman flying around China. That's it. Nothing else in this story matters. Although looking at the cover and seeing that the entire Great Ten are on it while only seven of the Great Ten appear in the book makes me wonder about one of the worst lines in the entire book. It's when Wonder Woman first responds to the Great Ten telling the heroes to leave China. She haughtily proclaims that they can't count because there are only seven of them. Why put all ten on the cover and then just bring seven to the battle so that Wonder Woman can be a dick about it? I'm going to blame this bullshit on Eddie Berganza. He probably decided ten were too many characters to throw in the mix and then added Wonder Woman's shitty line to the script to address the missing members. Whatever is happening in this comic book, it's all horrible. Maybe Tomasi should just stick to writing Alfred, Bruce, and Damian. Working under Berganza is making him look like a shitty writer.

The Commentary!
For most of you, Superman has either already died or been miraculously saved because you've read the Superman #52. I won't be reading it for another two weeks or so because I'm so busy that I'm falling behind reading my comic books. Never mind what I've been busy doing! Curing cancer and playing video games can both be described as "being busy!" Also, in the immortal words of Rush, "If you choose to do nothing, you're still busy doing nothing." So suck it, judgmental nerds! Is this a case of protesting too much?

Okay, so Superman is dying. But he isn't concerned with finding a cure. He never read that poem about not going gentle into a perfectly reasonable night which totally proves that life is worth living or something. Although I wrote a poem called "Rage, Rage Against the Person Raging Against the Dying of the Light" which totally proves that it's better to just shut up and die and stop bothering everybody else with your problems. So, you know. I'm just as great as that Dylan Thomas guy! What else did he write anyway? Like anybody knows him for anything else! That'll teach him for writing one thing that was so much better than everything else! Or, if not better than other things he wrote, at least it was mercifully short. Nobody has time to read your stupid plays, Thomas!

It's cases like Dylan Thomas's that move me to write tons and tons of mediocre bullshit. That way nothing I write can ever outshine the rest of what I write and nobody will remember me for only the one thing! Instead they'll say things like "Grunion who?" and "Tess ate what? What the fuck are you talking about?" and "People who waste time reading comic books are probably stupid fucking assholes who never get laid." The imaginary people of the future are hurtful.

Why wasn't Bruce Wayne prescribed Dionesium years ago?!

Why doesn't Batman tell Superman about this thing called Dionesium that can cure even death? Does he not want his friend to live? I'm sure Superman can tunnel down under Gotham and find whatever's left of the stuff, right? I bet Batman is selfishly hoarding it just in case any more of his sidekicks die.

Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are currently headed into China to investigate the person who hacked the Fortress of Solitude and sent Chinese Zodiac monsters after Superman. That means they're going to ignore international borders because they don't have time to go through the proper legal channels like everybody else who wants to visit China. It must be nice living a life where you think the laws don't apply to you. Oh, you know what? It is nice! I'm one of those people! Although I think we're all really those people. If there's a law that's inconveniencing us at the moment, most of us will simply ignore it because, at the moment, it's obviously so stupid that it should never have been a law in the first place and we're modern day Henry David Thoreaus! We're taking a stand against injustice! Plus I really just needed to get across the street and am an adult and don't need a properly designated crossing to tell me when it's safe to cross! I'm a rebel! Plus I remember that thing where you look one way and then the other and then the other way before proceeding!

The Great American Trinity cross into China and are immediately brought down by some kind of force power. They're greeted by August General in Iron and the rest of the Chinese National Superhero Group, The Great Ten. Wonder Woman decides being told by another hero that she isn't allowed to cross international borders willy-nilly is the best time to point out a person's poor counting skills. It seems to me the American heroes should be apologizing profusely and explaining themselves rather than acting like they own the entire fucking world.

Christ. I'm American and now I hate Americans too! I think American tourists are worse for the United State's image than their atrocious foreign policy and imperialist attitude toward solving world problems!

Wonder Woman is from Themyscira and now lives in London so I'd understand if somebody wanted to argue that she's not American. But she's representing America by wearing the flag as a leotard and being an abrasive asshole, so I'm going to go ahead and continue to claim her as one of ours. That whole living in London to distance yourself from America isn't fooling anybody, Madonna! I mean Wonder Woman!

So apparently it's okay to beat the shit out of people enforcing their international border if they tell you that you should not be crossing illegally into their country. How dare they?! Maybe if I draw some Starros on Superman and Wonder Woman's faces in that previous scene, I'd be more inclined to buy their attitude. If Superman hadn't been so jovial in the opening scene, I might also chalk his attitude up to being desperately in a hurry because he's dying. But he doesn't really seem all that bothered by dying. I think he's just in the mood to kick some Chinese ass because he's upset about the trade disparity. America! When things don't go our way, we knock the Monopoly board on the floor and blame everybody else for ruining the game.

You never even tried to ask them anything! You just started mouthing off and acting like you owned the place, you asshole! How should they have reacted? With obsequiousness?

I guess if Tomasi wanted to write a story which made me hate Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman, he's succeeded! What makes this worse is that Batman worked with August General in Iron in Justice League International. You'd think Batman would have kept that line of communication open just for these moments when he needed to be in China at a moment's notice. If Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman actually wanted to ask questions, they could have gotten in contact with August General in Iron. And since they didn't do that, I have to assume they really did just want to physically prove themselves superior to the Chinese heroes.

To prove that they're indeed friends and have come in peace, Batman puts the August General in Iron's life at risk so that Superman can save it. Everybody knows that that's the point where the opposition says something like, "You...you...you saved me life? Why?!" Then the heroes can be all, "Because we're heroes and we didn't want to fight you! But you were all, 'We're going to fight you!' So we had to be all, 'Oh yeah?! Well we're defending ourselves!' And so we had to fight!" And the opposition usually doesn't say but probably always thinks, "But that's not how it happened at all! Not at all!"

So now that the entire misunderstanding has been straightened out by the brusque, obnoxious assholes having proven that they're actually good people and not the dickfart frat jerks they first presented themselves as being, the Chinese and American heroes can discuss the situation rationally. At this point, I really don't fucking care if this Superman dies. And he may as well take Wonder Woman with him. Assholes.

No, August General in Iron, it does not. Do not allow these assholes to get away with their behavior! Do not compliment him on saving your life when he and his friends first endangered it! They could have approached politely and had this discussion instead of being insulting and aggressive.

The Great Ten escort the Big Three to Doctor Omen's lab where they discover she's created her own Chinese Superman by collecting Superman's FWASH power particulates or something. It's all quite scientific and inscrutable. Doctor Omen isn't a fan of being questioned by Americans so she frees Chinese Superman and he flies off to do whatever Chinese superheroes are taught to do. I'm not even going to speculate because I'll invariably say something insensitive or racist like how he's probably off to pee in Cokes. No way I'll be tricked into typing something like that!

The Great Ten explain that they will deal with Chinese Superman as long as he's in China and then kick the Americans out. August General in Iron does agree to remain in contact with Superman even though he never stayed in contact with Batman. I'll just assume that was Batman's fault. Although Batman isn't the type of guy to lose contacts or burn bridges. He plans for every possibility! Like the possibility that one day he'd need to enter China to deal with something and having a powerful Chinese ally like August General in Iron is something Batman wouldn't just toss out like a smeg-covered egg salad sandwich from a stranger.

Meanwhile, Impostor Superman has decided to visit Lois Lane at her apartment. Maybe Lois will get the scoop on this guy since that's what she does.

Green Lantern #52

Hopefully Rebirth will fix Sinestro's lack of a jester's cap.

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "Agents of Gray" even though it should be called "Agents of Grey" because it looks better. I'll fight you over it! I don't even know which version is the American version and which is the UK version because I'm an equal opportunity Gray/Grey user! But the "e" version is aesthetically more pleasing. I wonder if it depends on the font? I bet some fonts make the "a" version look better.

Wait! Let me try something: "Ermahgerd! Ergernts erf Grer!" That fixed it.

The Agents of Gray consist of Doctor Warthog, Communications Officer Froggy, Engineer Bubblehead, Captain Mustachio, and Goggle-Eyed Freak. Their continuing mission is to muddy the philosophical waters of everybody they meet and blur the lines between right and wrong. Their catchphrase is "Set phasers to doubt!" Luckily for Hal, the Agents of Grey shouldn't have any effect on him since he never wonders if what he's doing is right or wrong. He simply does what he wants to do and then declares that was the right thing to do, no matter how many other people are shaking their heads and sighing and saying, "What the fuck?! Again with this bullshit?!"

I could tell by the mustache that he was the leader.

Engineer Bubblehead looks an awful lot like The Green Man. Maybe he'll earn a Green Lantern Ring before this conflict is resolved.

Instead of quietly allowing himself to be arrested by these strange people with no apparent authority over anybody, Hal does the right thing and threatens them. This is how I react whenever anybody tells me I'm breaking the rules. I'm always all, "The only rule I obey is the law of physics, bitch!" I don't say that if they have weapons because, you know, the laws of physics. I know when I'm beat! I just meant if a waiter said I needed shoes or something.

Speaking of Captain Mustachio, when my friend Upright was in town this last weekend to head up to Seattle, we went to the Backstage Bar in Portland the night before he went home. Tending bar was a red headed guy with a huge, scraggly beard. I was pretty drunk already so I don't remember the other traits he possessed that made me tell Upright that the guy was the Spirit of Portland. When the bartender came to our end of the bar, Upright must have been pretty drunk too because he told the guy, "You know what? You're the Spirit of Portland." I don't know if Upright realized how huge an insult that is in Portland! I mean, probably. I meant it as an insult but I wasn't going to actually say it to the guy's face! And that was a good call on my part judging from the guy's face when Upright called him the Spirit of Portland! I don't think he served us after that. I don't blame him. Nobody wants to be called out on looking like every other person in the city where you live.

It's possible the bartender just thought we were calling him a boat.

Doctor Warthog's real name is Two-Pounder? Why not Three-Pounder? Or Five-Pounder? No wait! I know! Ten-Pounder!

Goggle-Eyed Freak is actually named Dakwa. He's the one with all of the fire power. There was no way I was going to guess his name! Although I bet I could have remembered it from last issue.

Communications Officer Froggy's real name is Speechmaker. I was close on that one! I even named him the Comm-Off slightly before I remembered he was the guy who does the psychic interrogations!

Engineer Bubblehead is actually just called Dome. He's the genius. So I was practically spot-on with that guess!

During the battle, Hal turns into a light entity again. Hal was made to be the best Green Lantern ever! No other Lantern has ever been able to manifest this power! Not even that Mary Sue, Kyle Rayner! I don't even know what the term "Mary Sue" means but I think I'm using it right! Know how I know I'm using it right? You can fucking call any character in literature a Mary Sue! It's a stupid fucking term that doesn't actually mean anything.

Oh, um, anyway, about Kyle Rayner! He was obviously meant to be the best Lantern ever which is why he was the first to control all colors of the light spectrum. But how can Hal fans accept him as being better than Hal? I'm not even a Hal Jordan fan and I know Hal is a better Lantern than Kyle Rayner! But that's the trick that Vendetti is pulling here. Kyle may be able to use the entire spectrum but he's no master of every color. Hal Jordan has just become Grandmaster Green Lantern! He's internalizing the green energy! He's becoming willpower itself! The only person I know who might be stubborn enough to do that is me!

As solid light Hal Jordan, he almost defeats the Agents of Gray. But then the Little Prince has to go and get taken hostage by Dakwa and the fight is over. I guess now is when the talking happens and the Agents of Grey realize that Hal Jordan isn't actually a wanted criminal at all. He's just a guy who came up with a stupid plan that never mattered because some other guy (Cullen Bunn) came up with an even stupider plan which took the Green Lanterns out of the universe and made Hal's plan meaningless.

See? That was a pretty dumb plan because everybody already believed Hal Jordan was what was wrong with the Green Lantern Corps. Which is quite an accomplishment when you have Guy Gardner on the team.

To save The Little Prince's life, Hal give a light gun with a big light bullet to Trapper Keeper and tells him to kill Dakwa. It's all totally legal too because it's self-defense! If The Prince dies, Trapper dies because of the gadget on his wrist. And even thought that's all clever and good, let's not get too crazy about the cleverness of the situation. Hal and Trapper were in the right to kill Dakwa even without the self-defense angle! I'm also fairly certain Hal could have saved The Prince's life without anybody being killed by putting some kind of instant shield around The Prince. Hell, Dakwa couldn't pull the trigger on The Prince in the amount of time it took Hal to make a gun, hand it to Trapper, tell Trapper to shoot Dakwa, and then the bullet getting Dakwa in the neck.

But I shouldn't be taken the moment away from Vendetti! It was a clever scene! I enjoyed it very much! Ten out of ten! Would read again! I mean, not immediately. But maybe...no, you know what. I'll probably never read it again.

Dakwa isn't quite dead so The Agents of Grey phase out and return to their ship to patch everybody up and return at a later date. I think they'd be good in the next Green Lantern movie!

The issue ends without Darlene saying a single word. Hal sends Prince Virgo and Trapper off on their own journey while he heads into Rebirth to figure out what the hell is going on with the Green Lantern Corps.

Green Lantern Annual #3

Does DC really think every comic book cover's "The New 52!" deserves the exclamation point? Really?

I guess just Robert Venditti got to write the end of Godhead. At least that should keep the wrap up coherent. Hell, it's kind of sad that I'll be happy with merely coherent! I really want to be amazed by the way the Lanterns pull off a victory! I want to be left picking my pants up off the floor and saying, "Golly gee whiz, that was pretty darn clever of them." Then I'll nod appreciatively, slip my dick back into my underwear, and pass out on the floor next to my semen caked and drying in the fibers of the rug.

Ugh, you know what. That was a horrible image with which to begin my "review!" I apologize to everybody for putting that image into the world. I would never ejaculate right onto the carpet! I've got a crusty towel for that. I mean, sure, sometimes I'm so pent up that I overshoot my mark and splash semen across my comic book boxes or the cat tower or, if she's unlucky, the cat herself. But I do try desperately to not masturbate directly into the carpet! What am I? Some kind of vile, filthy animal?

I'm sure glad none of my family care enough about me to read my blog! How embarrassing if they were to read these accounts of my life! I mean, obviously they're all fictional! But still, I don't need my mom thinking that my apartment is covered in jizz.

Speaking of my mother, I should probably call her tomorrow and wish her a Happy New Year!

This issue begins where Green Lantern last left off and hasn't been mentioned in any of the other Godhead Chapters. Hal Jordan and Black Hand are still confronting Orion at the Source Wall. Black Hand had just discovered that the Source Wall was a gigantic graveyard. Anybody else get the feeling that he's going to have them join the Black Lanterns?

And isn't this where Futures End: Green Lantern #1 began?! With nearly this exact same situation minus Orion?!

Oh great. If I have to hear Relic whine about Peak Spectrum Light one more time, I'm going to eat some cookies. Because that will help me get over having to listen to that windbag.

The BOOM Tube that opens at the Source Wall is the one which Sinestro flew into in Sinestro #8. But before Highfather's armies can march into the BOOM Tube like they did in the last panel of Sinestro #8, Metron informs Highfather that the BOOM Tube opened in the wrong location. Whew! I was worried The New Gods didn't have that kind of safety technology. Sinestro grabs up Hal Jordan and company and they all return to New Genesis for the upcoming peace talks.

Black Hand's Source Wall Army begins the negotiations by slaughtering dozens of Highfather's best men. Highfather counters by standing in shock and saying, "This is madness!" Black Hand escalates the talks by isolating Lightray and trying to convince him that he's lucky to have had such a limited role in this series. Orion doesn't care for that tactic and blows the brains out of Black Hand's tallest soldier. After that point, the whole peace talk thing kind of falls apart.

The other Lanterns use the diversion to wait around for the Bohemian Guardians to reveal their plan. So far, all they've revealed is that Kyle Rayner didn't lose the Life Equation to Highfather. Well, that's not much of a plan.

And then Black Hand's army begins to resurrect which is the worst news because now Relic is going to start bitching again.

No! You shut up, Relic! No more pseudo-scientific theories from you!

Guy, Simon, and John free the rest of the Lanterns from the Singularity Stockade as Kyle fights a battle of wills to wrest the White Light back from Highfather. Lots of things get punched along the way.

And then Hal finally comes along to say what everybody else has been saying but in just that right tone of voice to get Highfather to listen.

What? Darkseid? That's crazy!

The Bohemian Guardians still haven't mentioned their plan. So Kyle decides to come up with his own plan once Highfather gives back the Life Equation because he doesn't want somebody else calling him Darkseid. That was just mean and it really hurt his feelings.

Kyle turns into a white light being and flies up into the sky to tell everyone the good news about The Source Wall. Saint Walker watches and says something like, "I hope this works!" And then the Blue Ring goes, "What? Hope? You show great hope dude! Wear me!" And Saint Walker is all, "Get on my cock, gorgeous!"

The Source Titans hear the good news and depart for more Source Wallian places. But that still leaves New Genesis plummeting out of the skies! Who can save The New Gods?! Or, as Sinestro puts it, "Who the fuck would want to save these assholes? Let's finish them now!"

Luckily for the New Gods, nobody ever listens to Sinestro.

All could have been well Goddamned months ago, you slacker!

With Saint Walker's help (and hardly anybody else's!), Hal Jordan puts New Genesis down safely on the ground. Everybody lived! Well, everybody with a name that's seen as somewhat important lived! The war is over! And all it took was for somebody to call Highfather Darksied!

Hmm. My jaw is not on the floor. Nor are my pants! And I'm not saying anything about the resolution being clever! What's going on? This was the big surprise finale, right?! Is there more to it somehow?

Spit on him, Hal! Spit right in his mouth!

Hal accepts Highfather's apology and they become allies in the fight for good. Or something. Whatever. Fuck these stupid cosmic crises! From now on DC, before beginning a cosmic crisis, write the ending. Have your writers come up with a fucking fantastic, crazy amazing solution to the threat! That way when somebody pitches a story, it doesn't wind up being "The New Gods battle all of the Lantern Corps for control of the Life Equation so that Highfather can defeat Darkseid. But when Hal Jordan finally calls Highfather Darkseid, he realizes the error of his ways and everybody makes peace." Does that sound like the appropriate solution to a fucking war? No it fucking does not!

Here's my version of Godhead for free:

Highfather: "I must stop Darkseid at all costs!"
Hal Jordan: "You're Darkseid!"
Highfather: "*spit take* WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

The entire series ends with Mogo finally getting his ring back and not saying, "What the fuck? You can't let me borrow one of the fucking Peak Spectrum assholes' rings? They aren't even using them! Or you couldn't fucking create a ring for me the way Sinestro created one for Hal? Fuck you guys! Fuck you right in your tiny little orifices! I'm taking my planet and I'm going home."

And on the final page, some big clawed hand breaks out of the Source Wall and a tag line says, "Coming in 2015: Another fucking Cosmic Crisis!"

Green Lantern Annual #3 Rating: Writers need to learn how to end things.







Um. Was that an acceptable ending?!

The Flash Annual #3

Because The Flash is a total jizz blister?

I Revile Comics! That should be the name of this blog! But no! I had to go with Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea because I'm too clever for my own good! Also because I created the blog before I knew what the fucking blog was going to be about. Maybe I'll make "I Revile Comics" the subtitle! That way when people find the blog, they'll know exactly what they're getting into! After they've looked up the definition for revile.

The stupid Annual begins, as all stupid annuals do, at the beginning of a story that I'd rather read in the regular monthly format. I hate annuals. They cost too much and they're too long to hold my attention and they force me to write commentaries on fifth Wednesday weeks instead of being able to take the time off to sit in my underwear playing video games and eating Oreo cookies. They remind me that I could be not using my brain instead of using my brain! Have you noticed how much nicer life is when you don't use your brain? I mean the conscious part of your brain and not the part of the brain that reminds your lungs to keep breathing and your heart to keep beating and all that crap. That telegraph line needs to keep going or else life would be no kind of life at all.

So Barry is out doing shit and then he notices someone in a hoodie in an affluent white neighborhood and he has the typical reaction of a well-off white police officer.

It's possible he's reacting to the stranger spray painting graffiti on a wall of his newly rebuilt city but why would I want to give him the benefit of the doubt? He may be a super hero but he'll always just be a cop to me.

One thing I didn't mention in my commentary on The Flash #30 was how unimaginative the taggers were in Central City. Every piece of graffiti on the police station had "pig" in it. I would guess that this tagger was spray painting "pig" on the wall right now but I already saw on the cover that she's spray painting "[Lightning Bolt]UX" which I'm interpreting to mean Flash Sucks.

Barry rushes over to stop the criminal and discovers the kid has spray painted some anti-Flash propaganda on the wall. Barry can't let him get away with that, so Barry decides to use his super speed to catch the kid even though he isn't in his Flash costume. I guess Barry figures since the kid is a vandal, he's too stupid to realize the only way this yuppie asshole could have caught him is by running faster than any normal person can run. Barry and the police have a good laugh about the stupid kid being arrested and go back to their easy lives of subjugating the poor, the different, and the mentally ill.

I'm just checking but it's okay for me to write horrible things about police officers, right? The current social climate says they're our enemies, so I can make really horrible jokes and comments about them without anybody caring, correct? Fucking pigs! They're probably straight and Christian as well! Assholes!

Back at work, Barry Allen has a run-in with the Theory of Relativity. I have a feeling introducing the Theory of Relativity into a Flash comic book is going to get a little bit confusing. As Barry nears the speed of light, time slows down for him. Which means time speeds up for everybody else. When he's done running at super speed, more time has passed in the world than has passed for him. So The Flash runs halfway across the world in mere moments to retrieve a South American fruit for Patty. He does it in the space of a few seconds so that nobody will notice he was gone. But when he gets back, his super hot coffee is already cold. And everybody on Earth has aged 100 years! That seems like the opposite of The Flash's supposed powers! Suddenly he's fast in theory but since time is warping around him, he's not fast at all? I guess he'll just have to stop running close to the speed of light.

I have a feeling The Flash is going to be giving me a headache.

And then Barry gets introduced to the kid he apprehended earlier for wearing a hoodie. And it's no surprise to anybody ever who it is.

Although it is a surprise that he doesn't have orange hair anymore.

Iris West actually asks Barry if he can hang out with her nephew because he needs a decent role model. The fucking gall this lady has! Why the fuck would Barry want to take time out of his life to hang out with some kid he doesn't even know?! That's the kind of favor you only ask of people you're having se...oh! Barry, you dog!

Meanwhile twenty years in the future, Barry visits the grave of Wally West because he needs to save him from dying fifteen years previously (that's five years from now!). Why does he need to do this? Comic books!

Whenever I can't actually answer a question because either I don't know the answer or the answer is too ridiculous to care about, I answer "Fuck you" or "Comic books." Those answers aren't as different as they might first appear to be.

I still don't know what he's trying to repair or how saving Wally West will repair it!

Back in the present, Barry visits an idiot criminal calling himself Mogul. It's a pun just like everything else in The Flash comic books! You see, Mogul has a gun that draws moisture from the environment to make snow! He makes snow drifts and skis away from his crimes. See? It's another stupid pun! Anyway, Barry points out that this guy's snow gun doesn't just make free snow. It takes moisture from one place to use it in another. It's a lesson Barry's going to have to learn when he realizes his super powers are based in science and that speed times distance equals time and that the Theory of Relativity isn't just a theory! It's the law! Ha ha! I stole that from Beakman! He'll never know! Besides, he probably stole it from Bill Nye!

Meanwhile twenty years from now again, Gorilla Grodd is busy eating brains while sitting in a rope web. I guess he's become a Spider Monkey in the intervening years. He's also been busy eating the brains of people connected to the Speed Force so that he could gain their powers. He managed to eat Daniel West's brain, gaining the Reverse-Speed-Force Power! Which means he can run slow? No wait! It means he can go back in time! Which Grodd did! He traveled back in time to save documents lost to history. Which is why all of Earth's history books suddenly have mentions of talking apes in them.

The Flash dreams of committing infanticide. Just like a cop!

Flash and Grodd battle in the future as Flash and some hooligans with ultrasonic vibrators tangle in the past. In the past, The Flash says he'll never take a life. In the future, The Flash blows Grodd's head off by putting a tiny bomb in his ear. Enh. Twenty years can really change a person.

Speciesist.

Now Future Flash has determined that he needs to go back in time to kill present Flash. Because being in charge of the time stream is a job that nobody should have! Or something.

The Flash Annual #3 Rating: Relativistic! Time travel is never a good thing for a comic book character to involve themselves with. It just gets so complicated that they eventually simply have to kill themselves! I guess. I'm sure the death of The Flash will solve everything! At least for about twenty years. That's about how long the solution held last time.