Scooby Apocalypse #13

Why are they so frightened? It's obviously just a bunch of rich old white dudes in rubber masks.

• The update of the Scooby Doo franchise shouldn't have been from the angle that the monsters and ghosts were real. It should have been from the angle that the Scooby Gang were well armed and would wind up murdering a bunch of selfish old white dudes when they thought they were just killing monsters attacking them. The Scooby Gang wouldn't be a bunch of cute meddling kids if they were serial killer assassins driving from town to town solving "problems."

• Velma's brother Rufus is Donald Trump and his monster followers are people who wear MAGA hats. I've decided to state it plainly since I've been pretending to not get it in previous commentaries. The problem with this kind of satire is that it's not satire. It's just a restating of the truth.

See what I mean? Although Rufus is better looking.

• Shaggy comments on Rufus wearing a wig which is a shame. If you're going to make a Donald Trump parody character, don't explain his terrible hair as a wig. A wig would be preferable to that monstrous comb-over Ivanka swirls up to cover the seething maggots burrowing out of Trump's skull.

• The Scooby Gang realize Rufus can't help them so Velma beats him up some. After that, the monsters storm the building. Fred continues to sit outside in the Mystery Machine nursing his broken leg.

• The Scooby Gang escape with Daisy so that Shaggy can have a love interest other than Scooby. Rufus is burnt alive in a huge effigy of himself built by the monsters. So they're into crafts?

• There's a Scrappy Doo back-up story. I'd like to say I'm not going to read it because it's about Scrappy Doo and I'm not interested in it but I did spend actual money on this comic book so I'd feel like I wasted my money if I didn't read it.

• I was wrong. Now that I read it, I feel like I wasted my money!

This kid has a low bar on the qualities that make a dog the best.

Scooby Apocalypse #12

This Velman pose makes my butt wet.

The Review!
This month, the Scooby Gang are in Portland! I should probably annotate that with the state (Oregon) because I don't want to piss off all them Maine Portland fans who are all "Ayuh! Yuh reap what yuh sow!" Now I've probably pissed off a whole other set of fans who are furiously typing into the comments section "That was Bangor or Castle Rock you're thinking...excuse me while I push my nerd glasses up higher on my nose in an aggressively intellectual pause...of!" I hate fangenders of every kind! Why are they so mad when I shit all over their favorite thing?! My asshole has opinions that can't be stopped by anything short of Velma's finger! Or two fingers. Maybe three. Mmm. You know what? Let's try four!

Oh. Excuse me. According to the location box, they're in Seattle. I was just confused since the freeway signs indicate they're in Portland.

Shaggy and Fred makes sure to have the "It's so incredibly hard to believe but we're becoming friends!" conversation on page three before all the cynical readers snort and think, "I can't believe they're all becoming friends!" It's been twelve issues of the same argument between Velma and Daphne so I'm just relieved that Keith and J.M. are declaring that that part of the story has been resolved. No more arguing about whose fault the worldwide plague is (because it was Velma's). Now it's time to become the meddling kids we all knew and loved for a few years of our lives before we realized Scrappy Doo was an insufferable bastard.

The Scooby Gang are in Seattle (or on their way? No, no. I think they're supposed to be in Seattle and not just about to drive over the I-5 bridge in Portland no matter what the visual evidence says) to find Rufus, Velma's brother. Supposedly he can help in some way that was explained earlier but I wasn't paying attention because I was typing "NSFW VELMA" into my search window.

Velma's brother is a caricature of some famous person that I just can't put my finger on. Captain Kangaroo, maybe? Rufus has attracted the love and adoration of Seattle's most monstrous and disgusting inhabitants. I feel like that's a clue to the person Rufus is supposed to represent. A demagogue with monstrous followers? That could still be Captain Kangaroo!

Velma and the gang (minus Fred who was forced to sit in the Mystery Machine because he had a broken leg and also because he wouldn't stop hitting on Daphne and we're not to the part of the patriarchal wet dream story where the beautiful woman eventually gives in to the loser protagonist and declares that she also loves him) make it up to Rufus's office, knock on the door, and announce themselves. Rufus is all, "Say hello to my little friend (who is actually kind of big and sort of sawed-off!)"

The Scrappy Doo back-up story takes place in Walnut Creek, California (which means it's probably happening in Oakland). Scrappy meets a one-armed kid named Cliffy and puts a leash on him. Now Scrappy has somebody to talk to that isn't a snarling cybernetic dog-thing.

The Ranking!
No change! If you like Scooby Doo but want to read something that doesn't have the heart or feeling of the original cartoon series but has characters who solve their problems with violence who share the names of characters from the cartoon who solved their problems with logic and deduction, you'll love this comic book! Also if you don't like Scooby Doo but like those things I listed. Actually, your relationship with the original Scooby Doo has no bearing on what you'll think of this comic book since it has no bearing on the cartoon.

Scooby Apocalypse #11

Thanks for reminding me that Kenneth Rocafort's terrible art exists, comic book cover!

Apparently if you have anxiety about having a possible heart attack and feel an impending sense of doom, if you look up symptoms for a heart attack online, you'll find one of them is anxiety with an impending sense of doom! Who knew I've been having a heart attack for three quarters of my entire life!

That was Tess's Health Corner! Where the most likely not too healthy come to distract themselves from their impending thoughts of doom, tightness in the chest, and that incessant pain in their left arm.

The Review!
-1! I prefer Howard Porter's art to Dale Eaglesham's. That's a personal opinion that shouldn't reflect on my usually completely and utterly objective reviews of comic books. But since I was already disappointed in the art, it wasn't long before I was also disappointed in the story. It continues to have nothing to say. I'm not completely surprised by that since Giffen and DeMatteis have learned the secret of collecting easy paychecks. First you write a story with about five or six jokes in it. That's the first issue. In the second issue, you repeat all of the jokes and most of the dialogue and revelations from the first issue but in a different location. See how moving from one place to another makes it seem like the plot has advanced when really the characters haven't grown at all? So far that's been Scooby Apocalypse in a nutshell.

The good thing (I think you're supposed to add good things to critical reviews to make them seem non-biased although if something is utter crap, it seems unreasonable to expect a critic to figure out something nice to say. Nice people who don't think "This fucking sucks!" is a good enough review are ruining the world!) about this issue is it seems to finally put to rest the mistrust felt between different characters. Eleven issues in and the group has finally come together, declaring themselves friends and meddling kid detectives. Maybe now the plot can move forward!

There's also a back-up story that introduces Rufus Dinkley. He's the businessman brother of Velma and he's a huge turd. The good thing about him is he has a lot of money. See how I can say good and bad things, thus proving I'm an excellent reviewer! He's probably been introduced so the reader realizes the Scooby Gang has a goal. Find Rufus and help him! Or, more likely, kick his teeth in.

Kamandi Challenge #1

If this is as big a trainwreck as DC Challenge, I'll definitely solve it before DC does! I still don't think they solved that one.

I solved the DC Challenge before they did but it didn't matter because the story was a fucking joke. Batman is the World's Greatest Detective but only when the writer writing him has control of the entire story. Otherwise Batman gets the easiest clue in the world (finding the name ELI ELLIS by turning over a calculator after doing a sum) and he promptly forgets all about it for eleven issues. Then in the final issue when everybody had to get together to make sense of the eleven different stories that basically ignored almost everything that came before, Mark Evanier, writer of the first issue, was probably all, "You are all idiots!" Then somebody probably called him an idiot because he thought Benjamin Franklin was a president and on the fifty dollar bill. Maybe. I have a vague recollection that The Riddler fucked up that clue. It's been over twenty years, you know.

The DC Challenge was supposed to end each issue on a cliffhanger which the next writer was supposed to get out of. If I remember correctly though, these cliffhangers were either generally ignored and left for somebody else while the writer began a completely different plot thread concentrating on new characters. I imagine this series will be a lot like that. This one will start with Kamandi and his adventures. Then there will be a cliffhanger ending where Kamandi is about to die and the next issue will ignore it while focusing on the Atomic Knights. Then the next issue will focus on Ben Boxer while ignoring how the Atomic Knights were about to go critical and destroy the world. They'll be going critical for ten issues before somebody resolves that situation.

What I'm trying to say is that this thing is going to be a huge fucking mess.

I'm surprised Keith Giffen is doing the art. Unless this is Koblish trying to look like Kirby but instead looking like Giffen!

Kamandi, the not quite last boy on Earth, races off across town to try to catch the school bus at its last stop. It seems like if he can catch the school bus by cutting through town, he can probably just race straight to school. Not that I know the layout of his town! This is a mystery, by gorsh! Knowing the topographical features of the local locale could give away the mystery!

Kamandi is stopped by a cop who takes the law a little too seriously. He says, "I don't care if you're the last boy on Earth, no one crosses against the red." Dude. If he's the last boy on Earth then there's no danger crossing against the red! Unless the last girl on Earth is driving like a fucking maniac and coming from the other direction. Okay fine. I guess the cop has a point. Plus there are all those sentient animals who drive in the future. But maybe in their society, they cross on the red and stop on the green? Take that, Mr. Fascist Cop!

Some creatures crash through the sky as if it were just the top of a dome painted like the sky. Kamandi's fellow citizens pull out weapons to begin fighting them and urge Kamandi to rush home. I guess this is Command "D" and Kamandi lives in a simulated environment with his grandmother. Did I just solve the mystery? No? Oh, yeah, that's right. I just comprehended what I was reading. Never mind. I'll get that mystery yet though!

The Kangarat Murder Society has broken into Command "D" because there's a bounty on Kamandi's head. The villagers protect him because they're just robots built to protect the last boy on Earth. Kamandi rushes home thinking, "So when I fucked Sarah Lou Ellen behind the bleachers, I actually had my dick in a...a...machine?!"

Is that the mystery? The Case of Kamandi's Missing Parents?

After being shoved through The Void, Kamandi learns he's in a terrible spin-off of Heroes when he hears a voice say, "Find your parents. Save the world." Also, Heroes itself was fucking terrible. I will admit there were some interesting things about it but it was lazy in that the characters in every series were motivated by either a vision of the future or a prophecy. When a writer uses those devices to get the action moving, it means they're terrible writers.

Kamandi comes out of the other side of The Void with long hair and three months worth of piss and shit staining his torn up jeans. He winds up in the clutches of the Tiger-men! That means he's about to meet that pervert, Doctor Canus! Did I just solve the mystery? The pervert is Doctor Canus?

But before he can meet Doctor Canus, Kamandi must survive in the arena against Tiny. And you know with a name like "Tiny," he's got to be big. Even in the future, they stick to nickname clichés.

Based on what Kamandi knows, this statement makes no sense. Even if he's riffing on what the cop told him earlier, Kamandi has no idea that he's currently the last boy on Earth so if he dies, he'll, um, still be the last boy on Earth but with a slightly altered meaning.

And that's the end of part one! That's a pretty simple cliffhanger to solve! Kamandi just needs to beat Tiny. I bet he's swallowed whole by Tiny and then he kicks his way out of Tiny's stomach from the inside! No wait. That's preposterous. Maybe he'll do that thing that Luke did to the Rancor but instead of using a large thigh bone, he'll use the last boner on Earth. Or maybe Doctor Canus will stop the match because he likes the smell of Kamandi's asshole. However it's solved, I'll find out immediately because Dan Abnett takes over for Dan DiDio right here in the middle of the issue!

Oh yeah. Dan DiDio wrote the first story because of course he did. He seems to have called Dibs! on all of Jack Kirby's characters since The New 52 began (and maybe even earlier!).

Part Two is called "K is for 'Kill'!" K is also for Kamandi! And kissing! And kleptocracy! Oh! And klue! A klue to the mystery! Which is still a complete mystery!

Prince Tuftan watches bored as he waits for Kamandi to be torn to bits. I guess this is entertainment for tigers. It's probably like watching America's Test Kitchen on PBS. It's definitely making me hungry.

As Kamandi tries to escape Tiny (who is much bigger when drawn by Eaglesham than when drawn by Giffen!), he discovers the walls of the arena are electrified. Boo! Hiss! That's a cheating shortcut! Electricity is always the way the hero takes out the unstoppable foe! This Cliffhanger Solution rates a 3 out of 10! Did I boo yet? BOO!

Tiny is knocked unconscious from the electrified walls. That's got to be a lot of electricity running along those walls to drop a beast like that! I guess the Tiger-men's post-apocalyptic world isn't so bad if it has such generous power reserves.

Prince Fuzzypants is impressed by Kamandi's resourcefulness even though that resourcefulness has been used over and over again in all kinds of books and movies and television shows. How lucky that there's always some kind of electrical danger nearby when the hero is about to be torn to pieces.

Kamandi is brought to Doctor Canus to be trained. Doctor Canus begins slathering peanut butter all over his cock.

You'd be shocked too if your dog began talking to you while you were crouched in front of it with your crotch covered in Jif.

Doctor Canus takes Kamandi on a walk and shows him Tiger City. Upon seeing the Brother Eye symbol outside the Hall of War, Kamandi tries to investigate it. But it will have to wait until Kamandi becomes best friends with Prince Fuzzypants. For now, he's just a lowly animal being trained to fight in the arena. I hope the second cliffhanger isn't another bout in the arena! Maybe all the cliffhangers will be bigger and bigger opponents in the arena.

Great Caesar returns with a load of leopard slaves and a nuclear missile. Kamandi slips his leash and loses Canus in the celebrating crowd. He heads straight to the Hall of War where he was just told he couldn't go. Somebody is going to be called a bad human and thumped on his tender nose.

Guarding the Hall of War are a bunch of Jackdaws. They're sentient humanoid crows and probably the next cliffhanger. Oh, no. There are still too many pages left. I guess this diversion was just so Kamandi could learn that the tigers of Tiger City are stockpiling ancient weapons. That might be a clue for later! It's hard to tell though because I still don't know what the mystery is. But I think I do know what the next cliffhanger will be!

Silly tigers! Nukes are for...uh, I mean, they're greeeeeeeeat!

The stupid tigers set the bomb to detonate in five minutes. What a cliffhanger! Kamandi only has five minutes to convince Doctor Canus that the tigers will die if he doesn't disarm the bomb! And he'll only have thirty seconds to do that since he'll spend most of the time licking off that peanut butter!

What Did I Learn?
Well, I haven't learned what the mystery is yet, that's for sure! Is the mystery how the world was destroyed? Or why Kamandi needs to find his parents? Or why he needs to remember Command "D" (other than so everybody thinks that's his name)? Or why the world needs saving? Or why the tigers are so stupid and careless? Maybe the mystery is how a dog became a scientist!

The Ranking!
Well shit. It's not too bad because I love stupid gimmick comic books like this!

Scooby Apocalypse #9

They're either looking at Scooby's latest shit or Scrappy Doo.

In this issue, Velma decides to ditch the rest of the Scooby Gang because she's feeling guilty for her part in ruining the world. She can't face them so she just leaves the computer open to her report to The Four on The Elysium Project. That's the project that probably ruined the world although, I'm sure, it'll turn out that The Four modified Velma's nanites so she doesn't have to live with the responsibility. Aside from that, nothing much happened. The characters in this comic book have a habit of repeating the same conversations over and over again. I don't think it's their fault. It's Keith and J.M.'s fault! They love to write the same jokes over and over again and since most of the conversations they write are "jokey," things tend to get repeated over and over again. So Daphne and Velma are still bickering but then pointing out that they're getting closer while punctuating that statement with more bickering and mistrust. Fred is still useless. Shaggy is always hungry and usually talking about bodily functions. And Scooby Doo says "Ruh-uh!" and "Ruh-huh!" a lot. No monsters appeared in this one.

No wait! There was one monster: Scrappy Doo! But he was in the back-up story and not the main story. In this issue, he murders a starving puppy. Sure, it's more like the murder of Lenny in Of Mice and Men than the murder of Tommy Devito in Goodfellas. So while Scrappy Doo moans about how he's become a monster, this terrible act of compassion seemingly proves otherwise. Except that he still killed a fucking puppy. What kind of Puppy Power is that? What a piece of shit.

What Did We Learn?
Post-apocalyptic stories can get pretty boring when there isn't any sex. It's just monster killing and foraging for food! These are four young people in a desperately scary situation, spending every single minute with each other. They've got to release the stress and tension in some fashion. And since nobody is hooking up, I suspect there's probably been a lot of sneaking away to masturbate.

The Ranking!
No change!

Scooby Apocalypse #8

Now that's a thigh gap! Ooh la la!

I see "Wagner" there on the cover and now the only thing I'm thinking is, "I fucking hope Matt Wagner is writing the Scrappy Doo back-up story!"

It's not. It's some jerko named Ron Wagner who probably changed his name to sell a few more comic books to overly excited Matt Wagner fans who pick up every Wagner book, just in case.

Last issue, Scooby Doo had run off, leading a bunch of monsters down a hallway lined with doors while some wanna-be Monkees music played. The rest of the gang drove off to the hospital, leaving him behind. This is the first page of this issue:

I guess somebody realized Scooby's name was in the title so maybe it wasn't such a good idea to have him run off.

Scooby Doo found his way back to the Gang because he's loaded down with Smart Dog technology and also he can smell Velma's ass from like five miles away. Lucky dog.

This episode begins with the formulaic bit where Scooby and Shaggy go off on their own to shit themselves. Also, they're looking for medical supplies. I imagine they'll also find the ingredients to make a five foot tall sandwich. And Scooby will say, "Roh boy!" And Shaggy will prepare to eat it and then look away and Scooby will eat it one bite and go, "Reee reee reee reee!" I think that's the way he laughs.

Daphne joins up with Shaggy and Scooby because this comic book doesn't know how the cartoon works. I guess it's okay this time because Fred is unconscious and Daphne usually fucks Fred while everybody else is busy investigating the haunted circus tent. Also it's okay because Daphne is a cold stone killer. She's also probably a lesbian since she keeps rebuffing Fred's advances. Also because this is a modern take on an old cartoon. You can't have everybody in the group be white and heterosexual! This is 2017! And Velma being the lesbian is too obvious. Also Fred being gay is too obvious. I mean, an ascot? What is that? Seriously. What is an ascot?

While Fred and Velma disappear into the Mystery Machine to do mysterious things like rest and celebrate life the only way they know how in the face of terrifying oblivion, Scooby, Shaggy, and Daphne explore the hospital looking for survivors.

This comic book is nothing like the cartoon! This should be a kitchen full of stuff to make sandwiches and also olives and toothpicks! I guess there is a ham hock on the floor.

Shaggy, Scooby, and Daphne discover a monstrous doctor torturing a human being unaffected by the nanites. I don't think the human being is famous so he'll probably die. The Scooby Gang only allows famous people to pal around with them in the Mystery Machine.

I suppose that might be Matt Leblanc. Maybe he could join up and drive the Mystery Machine! As long as he keeps from doing donuts around war memorials.

Daphne shoots off the demon doctor's arm but that doesn't help save the patient because the bed eats him. It's death bed! The bed that eats people! Actually, it's Death Hospital, the Hospital That Eats People. Because the entire hospital begins transforming with Scooby, Shaggy, and Dapne inside. For some reason, Fred and Velma don't drive away to live a life of bliss as the last man and woman on Earth. Instead they wait for the others like I probably wouldn't do. Especially since Velma isn't one of the ones in trouble.

Surprisingly, everybody survives the Death Hospital and they drive off on another adventure. Hopefully a sexy adventure that will force me to look up the meaning of the phrase "double penetration".

What Did We Learn?
Hospitals are the worst places in the world. Why don't hospital dramas ever portray hospitals as they really are? This Scooby Doo comic book came closer than shows like Grey's Anatomy or Chicago Hope or Doctors Fucking Like Rabbits. They're grisly and terrifying and the doctors are all a lot more monstrous than they look. The doctor in this comic book looked monstrous but that just meant he was even worse than real doctors like House or Trapper John. Hospitals would go a long way in not being creepy death vaults by changing up the architecture and minimalist hospital style they all like to stick to. Nobody wants to walk down an echoey hallway with stark florescent lighting and fuzzy beige walls because we all know that a madman lurks around the corner at the approaching T-intersection. If you never want to be completely sane again, get a file cabinet and a hand-truck and go to a nearby hospital. Tell them you're there to deliver it to whatever part of the hospital is located in the basement. Then go down there alone and walk those fucking empty halls until you shit yourself. Fucking hospitals are the worst.

The Ranking!
No change.

Scooby Apocalypse #6

I wish the reflection in the glasses was totally different. And adult.

The Review!
This issue tells Velma's secret origin. The Four responsible for everybody in the world turning into monsters are her brothers. And she's a huge nerd with anger issues. She also has Daddy Issues but I'm so bored of Daddy Issues in DC Comics books that I'll never mention it again. One thing that I'm disappointed to find out is that she doesn't sit around her room in her underwear when she's alone. She's always wearing the same skirt and sweater!

Velma's main character trait is being an introvert through an extrovert's eyes. So she spends a lot of time alone because she doesn't understand other people and doesn't really care to try. But since Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis are probably extroverts, they decide that, deep down, Velma is in pain and hates being alone. Oh, fuck off! Let an introvert be a Goddamned introvert already!

Anyway, Velma is still lonely and upset and thinks that nobody likes her. Mostly because she pushes them away. I would push them away too! Most people are fucking idiots who say the most boring, mundane, obvious things! I'd rather sit in the dark and talk to somebody interesting: myself!

This issue contains a Scrappy Doo back-up story. Ugh. Fuckin' Scrappy Doo? Seriously? I think there was a drinking game rule about this somewhere. I think when there's a Scrappy Doo back-up story, everybody has to drink until they fuck somebody. Have fun!

The back-up story explains why Scrappy Doo can speak better than Scooby Doo and why he walks on two feet. He also says "Lemme at 'im!" for the first time. I think that was also a rule in the drinking game. That one means you have to do a shot of tequila up your asshole. Enjoy!

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (*)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. Scooby Apocalypse (*)
8. The Flash (*)
9. Earth 2: Society (*)

I'm already questioning why I placed Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps over Suicide Squad! This is the problem with rankings: they're never correct! Even when you do them yourself!

Scooby Apocalypse #3

Every cover should just be a pin-up of Velma.

The Facts!
• I should probably read the comic book instead of looking at women in Velma costumes on the Internet.

• This issue begins with the Scooby Gang driving the Mystery Machine across the Nevada desert. I guess they escaped the laboratory. I don't really remember if that happened at the end of Issue #2 or in the space between issues because it's been a long time since I read the last issue of this comic book.

• Velma bites her thumb at one point and I'm like *SWOOON!*

• The fight back in the garage is coming up soon! Apparently Fred was nearly killed and now I guess I'm supposed to want to find out how that happened. I'm not really too bothered by it, really. I'm just hoping the Scooby Gang find a laundromat soon where they'll all have to strip down to clean the one outfit they all wear.

• A few hours earlier in the Mystery Machine's garage, the Scooby Gang had to quickly come to terms with their ability to murder their fellow human beings. At least it's easy enough to rationalize because their fellow human beings look like monsters and are trying to kill them. Although by that logic, I probably have a right to kill anybody with the flu who comes near me, right? I mean, the flu can kill me so any contagious person who gets near me is threatening my life. And have you seen how horrible people look when they're sick with the flu? Just like monsters!

• I should probably consult a lawyer before I murder somebody with the flu, just in case my logic isn't as sound as I think it is.

Here's Shaggy's rationalization. Can't argue with that! I mean, I can! But I won't!

• The Scooby Gang continue to murder the people who are just suffering from a disease brought on by scientists who flew too close to the God. But they're all really anguished and upset about having to save their own lives by taking other's lives. So that makes it okay!

• Man, I really wish there had been an episode of the cartoon where Shaggy got his hands on a gun. Then when the ghost appears, he panics and shoots it in the face, blowing Old Man Smithers' brains all over the haunted wall behind him. Then the cops would have arrested Shaggy and he would have went down for manslaughter and probably placed in a haunted prison.

• Shaggy gets to shout, "Scooby Doo? Where are you?" It's totally satisfying.

• The flashback ends and Fred was never injured in any kind of way that would explain why everybody was so worried about him. Wait, let me check again to make sure. Oh yeah! It ends with Scooby Doo being outside of the Mystery Machine! So there must be more flashback where Fred goes out to save Scooby Doo and takes a shot to the head. Otherwise the only explanation for him being down and out would be that his ascot was drooled on.

• Velma isn't totally sure that the current problem is the nanite program that was created to make people more chill and brainwashery. If so, it would be her fault since she released the nanites in Issue #1 a year prior to the beginning of the apocalypse. But there's also the possibility that the four scientists she was working with manipulated her so that they could use the nanites for their own ends. That's probably what happened and now the main thrust of this story is finding those four scientists so the Scooby Gang can transform the monsters back into people instead of killing them all.

I'm tempted to make these Scooby Apocalypse commentaries just a string of sexy Velma scans. This is one of the best. I imagine she's screaming, "Put it in my ass right Goddamned now!"


This is what I scream right before I put it in the Goddamned ass!

• I'm starting to remember why I watched Scooby Doo so intently as a kid.

• Fred gets clawed in the head as we return to the flashback. I almost missed it happen because there were so many ass shots of Velma.

• The escape bonds the Scooby Gang together. So now the reader doesn't have to just think of them as wacky strangers fighting for survival. I think we're allowed to start thinking of them as friends. Which is good because their first real mystery since the apocalypse is about to bite them in the face next issue! Unless what it really wants is to scare them away from the market they're looting so it can buy up the property for cheap and dig up the treasure hidden under the floorboards.

The Opinions!
I know I'm sort of waiting for the scene of Velma in her underwear but do I really want that? Isn't it better to continue to have tantalizing glimpses of her undergarments during chaotic physical confrontations with monsters? That's hot! I'm not attracted to any of the others. Maybe if Scooby Doo weren't a dog, I'd be into him. But the others definitely aren't my types. I hope science doesn't continue to be the enemy and, in the end, the Scooby Gang discover that it wasn't Velma's nanites that turned everybody into monsters but God's wrath during the end times! Seriously, it would be more fitting for a Scooby Doo comic book to have religion as the enemy rather than science. Scooby Doo is supposed to be about logic winning out over superstition! I don't want logic and science to be the cause of the end of the world! That's moronic anti-vaxxer science-skeptic talk!

Action Comics #52

Why do the police still hate Superman?

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "The Great Pretender" because Superman is a big phony. Unless it's Wonder Woman who is the big phony because she's pretending she still loves Superman just because he's dying. It's also possible the pretender is Impostor Superman. That seems too straightforward though, right?!

Before I start scanning a few panels in which Dale Eaglesham really worked long and hard on Wonder Woman's tits (I mean, seriously, they're perfect!), I want to discuss a serious problem I have. I currently have forty unread comic books in the stack on top of Rebirth #1. That means I've got at least two weeks (and probably three!) until I get to it. There's no way I'm going to avoid spoilers for that long! Especially when people seem to think that I read every comic book as soon as it hits the shelves at 11 in the morning Pacific Time! How hard is it to understand that I read the comic book as I write the commentary? So if you want to know if I've read a book yet, check the fucking index on my home page! It's not like these "reviews" read like I've already read the comic book and thoughtfully considered the themes and changes in character! When have I ever written anything scholarly on any of these stupid funny books? I think it's fairly obvious from reading any one of my "reviews" that I'm actually reading the comic book as I'm writing the stupid thing. How can people not notice that?! Did they all score First Grade Level on their Reading Comprehension Tests?!

See? It's digressions like that which keep me from reading more than maybe two comic books per day! And I need to read at least that many just to keep up from week to week! But then I go away for a weekend or wind up doing my civic duty while also still working and I miss reading comic books for three or four days so then I'm even further behind! I wish I had that Fermata power! Although I'd probably just use it to molest people on public transportation as well instead of doing any actual work.

I wonder what the current generation would think of Nicholson Baker's The Fermata. On one hand, it's a book about a guy who constantly sexually assaults strangers. But on the real hand (which is the thematic hand and the one which needs a reading comprehension greater than that of a first grader), it's really about writers and writing. I suppose it could be about any profession but since Baker is a writer (who is also a writer's writer, if that's a thing. Is that a thing?), The Fermata is only about writing. If you think differently, you're probably wrong.

Um, so, Impostor Superman is currently trying to get into Lois's yoga pants.

Oh! Oh! I think I know his secret!

Hmm. I was wrong. His secret wasn't his cock.

For the first time ever, Clark White appears in one of New 52 Superman's books! That's probably not a good sign for New 52 Superman. Clark White lives in Salinas, California, which is where John Steinbeck lived! I've been in his house! I saw where he spent hours at his typewriter practicing writing because he wanted to be a writer! I kind of felt like the tour guide was rubbing it in a little bit. Who spends that much time practicing writing?! Not a Writer with a capital "W"! Who needs to practice?! Steinbeck should have been more like Hemingway and just declared he was going to be a great writer and then write a bunch of shit that people think is great because Hemingway said he was a great writer. This is probably where I point out that I have never read anything by Hemingway and so don't actually know what I'm talking about. But I have read everything by Steinbeck (except maybe Travels With Charlie because I was disappointed Charlie wasn't a cat), so I can probably safely say that Steinbeck was a way better writer than Hemingway! Hell, Gertrude Stein was a better writer than Hemingway and she was a shitty writer on purpose!

Impostor Superman's secret is Clark White. So it kind of is a cock! Har har! The only secret I want to know about is the name of Clark White's cat. Why do they mention the dog is named Ranger but nobody thinks to identify the cat?! I hope it's name is Streaky. Impostor Superman starts a fight with Clark White before the cat is introduced.

Meanwhile, New 52 Superman can't die fast enough. Just die already! Everybody thinks he's dying of Kryptonite Poisoning but I know what he's really dying from. He's got Lobdellitis. He's been too tainted by shitty Lobdell story lines. There's not saving him. The only way to return any dignity and respect to the character is to destroy this version of him and never speak of it again.

The New 52 Trinity notice the action in Salinas as they fly back from China and stop to check it out. New 52 Superman meets Clark White for the first time but it's a short meeting because Clark has to go rush his wife, kid, dog, and cat to safety. That leaves New 52 Superman and his friends to deal with Impostor Superman who thinks he's about to join the Justice League.

I guess I'll read the rest of The Final Days of Superman out of order because I just want to see Superman die already!

Secret Six #12

Secret Strix?

Rating: In many ways, Gail Simone's Secret Six has always been a spiritual successor to John Ostrander's Suicide Squad. Most of the revamps of Suicide Squad missed what made Ostrander's such a hit. It wasn't about characters possibly dying every month. It wasn't about loading a team full of star villains to attract an audience. It was about bringing to life characters that had been largely one-dimensional up until that point. When people think of Deadshot now, they're thinking of Ostrander's Deadshot. He realized Deadshot so fully that people probably just assume the character was always the guy Ostrander brought to life. But he was just a guy who was really good with a gun who Batman kept running afoul of. Simone did much of the same with Catman and Bane and many others, as well as creating a bunch of her own. The series shines because the characters are not ignored. They're not just fodder for the plot in garish costumes. They are fully realized and enjoyable to read about. I wish more writers would understand that plot is less important than characterization. I'd rather read a bunch of interesting characters sitting around a diner talking than have a bunch of hot, one-dimensional people in spandex hitting each other with heavy objects for twenty pages. Secret Six will be missed after Rebirth. I just realized that I'll probably start calling all of the stories after Rebirth "Afterbirth". DC is about to get gross.

• What is the secret?! No, seriously. What is it? I think I missed it at some point. I have a nagging suspicion that the secret is Mockingbird can't count to six.

• One secret is that I photoshopped a bunch of fake tweets by Gail Simone about "What is the secret?!" and posted them on Tumblr with tags saying "Photoshopped Tweets" and "Let me repeat myself. These tweets are photoshopped!" and "These are not real!" I knew it wouldn't help which is why I wasn't surprised when somebody reblogged them with the tag "This is why I love Gail". No, that is why you love me!

• So what was going on previously? I think Batgirl and Catman were rutting in the park while Goatfly watched. That was so sexy I nearly happy accidented all over myself. Also Sue decided she wanted Ralph back because you can only hear "What two letters keep a car from going?" "M-T!" so many times before your vagina dries up and falls off. And Shiva was hunting Strix for secret assassin reasons.

• The title of this issue is "The Violence of Silence". It rhymes so it must be profound wisdom. Profound wisdom hasn't always rhymed. That's just a modern thing because modern people are easily impressed by people who can think up two words that sound almost identical. I wish Jesus had given all of his allegories in rhyme. With a good beat. He may as well have been a rapper since he had the biggest East Coast/West Coast rivalry of all time. Although the Romans weren't too good at drive-bys. They were better at long-occupation-bys.

• You know what caused the Roman civilization to collapse? Washing their hands of things! You can't just ignore problems by washing your hands and waving the problem away and going off to draw a cock on the wall! You have to fix the problem! And by "fix" I don't mean "affix to a giant cross."

• Oh! I think maybe the Roman civilization collapsed because of the violence of silence! Maybe? No? Am I on to something?

• I actually know a lot less about everything than I pretend to.

• No wait! I meant the reverse of that last bullet point!

• Currently Scandal and Knockout and Stripper Knockout are considering which vintage of sperm to sprinkle on their baby cakes.

• I actually know a lot more about doing it than I pretend to! Like how awesome it probably is!

I just realized how perfect these two are for each other! Not Catman and Batgirl! The pets! On walks, the dog shits and Goatfly eats it! No mess! Okay, the goat still makes a mess. But I don't think you're legally required to pick up goat droppings.

• A cop in Ralph's neighborhood calls Shiva "sweetcheeks". While not technically incorrect, it's probably a bad move.

• In every run-in I've ever had with the police, not one has ever been complimentarily degrading. I think my feelings are hurt.

• The cop also calls Shiva "little dumplin'", "lady", "hot stuff", and probably something else. I think he notices her feet are cute too but I can't confirm that since her feet are hidden in every panel. That's such a sexist move! Framing a woman so that you can't see her feet.

• Catman warns Porcelain to get Strix out of the house. Why? Shiva might be a deadly assassin but Strix is an immortal Talon! I'm confident Strix can take whatever Shiva has to dish out. Unless Shiva's here to taunt Strix for not fitting in and not having a family and being horribly emotionally and physically scarred by life. That might hurt.

• I just realized Strix and I have a lot in common!

See?

• Strix writes a note to Batgirl when everybody meets up on the front lawn. The note is "I hart your yelow boots" and not "Y did u byrds not git me an ipad, cheepsktes?"

• Shiva defeats everybody in one page. Probably to show how good she is and not because comic books are only twenty pages and Gail Simone would rather fill those few pages with more cute notes from Strix. I mean, it could be that! But I think it's more about Shiva's talent at ass-kicking.

• Shiva invites Strix to join the League of Assassins. Usually invites aren't threats against your loved ones but this is the League of Assassins. They like to put on a show.

• Strix accepts the offer to save her friends and new family! Tragedy!

Holy shit! You can print that kind of thi...oh. Wait. Sorry. Misread that!

• Batgirl gives Mary her yellow boots. How is Batgirl going to afford another pair of yellow Doc Martens?! Doesn't she still owe Black Canary a new van and a complete wardrobe and maybe an entirely new dojo too?

• Sue returns to the house and finds it filled with vagabonds, strays, and perverts. Wasn't that a Cher song? Or an Indigo Girls album?

• Ralph calls the Secret Six "strays" after I called them strays. Word stealer! Although he doesn't call them vagabonds or perverts.

• Sue brings Ralph his Elongated Man suit so that the Secret Six can learn how annoying he really is.

• The team decides to go save Strix from the League of Assassins! That fight might take longer than one panel.

Secret Six #8

Etrigan is my favorite DC character of all time. I don't think that was a secret.

What's the secret?!

Have we figured out the secret yet? It's been almost a year since this comic book began and my memory doesn't retain information across that much space. Or is it time? Is there really a difference? My favorite concept of time was from Elfquest when somebody or another (probably an elf!) said that thing about time being just things and places to put them. Or something. Remember that part earlier when I said I don't retain information very well?

Since this book is about secrets, I thought maybe I'd begin by telling one of my own. Not my most deepest darkest secret, of course! That's between me and Satan. This is just a little secret that's embarrassing and which I wouldn't tell you if I knew any of you personally.

When I was a single digit little boy, I would sometimes wake up at night needing to pee. And even though my childhood bedroom had its own bathroom just three feet away from my bed, I would often be too scared to go into the bathroom. I don't know what I was scared of but it must have had something to do with opening a door and passing through a portal. So instead of walking a few feet into the bathroom to use the toilet, I would go into the corner of my bedroom with the closet door to my right (also scary!) and the heating vent to the left and I would pee on the rug. It was yellow shag carpeting and I think it did a decent job sopping up the pee. Plus the heating vent probably helped dry it up. Being a disgusting little kid, I don't know how badly it smelled or how often I really did it. I did it for a long enough period of time that the rug was crunchy and hard in that corner of the room but not long enough so that the floor collapsed underneath me. Eventually one of the cats began, occasionally, using that corner to poop. I think my mom cleaned that up and then just assumed that the cat had been peeing in that corner for a long time. It's not like my mom knew the difference between cat urine and stupid scared little kid urine. So I basically lived in a toilet.

How about we all just pretend that I made up the previous secret and enjoy my reactions to this comic book now?

This issue begins with a caveman being visited by a monolith. Or some Great Old Ones. Something that made him crack up and turn violent. They're probably mankind's neighbors living just down the lane past the White Gate. It's probably those Great Old Ones that the Occult Collective of Magic-Users are trying to keep from RSVPing to Black Alice's pubescent magical awakening. Oh, what a magical time in a young magic girl's magic life! To be young again but this time a girl so I could experience the confusion of my crazily changing body! So I could go through major hormonal shifts as I tried to figure out who I was and my place in the world! And during all of this chaotic business of becoming a woman, I would have to constantly fend off unwanted passes by the most disgusting and vile creatures to ever be thought of as sentient: man! Although if that cute boy with the floppy blond hair that sits two seats up and three seats over in Algebra made a pass at me, I don't know what I'd do! Seriously. What would I do? Let him touch my shoulder? Does that do it for girls? Maybe let him tell me my hair looks clean? Oh! I know! I'd put some extra OOMPH! in my skip as I left class so that my skirt would rise up just enough so that he'd see the big bruise on my thigh and he'd know I totally love playing tackle football!

Oh! Oh! Flygoat is a recurring character! Now I'm less angry at Gail Simone for hurting the poor goat. He looks happy!

Just inside the hospital, past the goat with the fly's head (pay him no heed. He's cool eating flowers), Klarion and his friends are trying to send Black Alice to Limbo. But she's decided to channel Swamp Thing and Amethyst and Black Orchid and Cheetah and Zatanna and Madame Xanadu and Blue Devil and Morgaine le Fey! Felix Faust notices that she didn't choose to channel any of his power because his power smells like old man farts. Probably. Alice pins her rivals to the wall (after making Cheetah naked (Is this where I say meow? That would be wrong, right? Because Cheetahs don't meow)) but before she can go any further, I just have to scan this scene that interrupted the action.

The last time I dressed as a comic book character it was as Captain Cold for a gaming convention I threw for my friends in 2003. Now I have a costume for my next one: mini-golf Etrigan!

The person saying "Perhaps I can help?" It's an Atlantean. One of the magic ones descended from Arion from Warlord and not one of the fishy ones that legally has to take Aquaman seriously.

The Daughter of Arion and Black Orchid help explain what's happening to the two separate groups of Secret Six members. Arion built the White Gate to keep the Great Old Ones at bay. And now Black Alice is tearing it down the way teenagers tend to tear shit down. You know, recklessly and without regards to consequence and hopefully to maybe get laid by that guy two seats up and three seats over in Algebra. The only way to stop the Great Old Ones from coming through completely is to either destroy some uncircumcised albino penises or to protect them. One of those depending on if you want to team up with Etrigan and Arion's Kids or Felix Faust and Klarion. Since Klarion doesn't currently have Teekl with him, it's not even a close choice for me. Etrigan all the way!

Yay! The team makes the right choice! Now if only somebody will convince most of them to stay home so that this simply becomes Brave and the Bold style comic book starring just Etrigan and Ferdie.

Big Shot hires probably the worst babysitters in the DC You (aside from Red Hood and Arsenal): Scandal Savage and Rag Doll. Since Jeannette is a banshee and thus magical and thus can be sucked dry by Alice's deviant young lusts, she goes to destroy the albino penises with the Secret Six. This family is getting too big to justify the "six" on the cover. It's like in the eighties when 80% of the Teen Titans weren't teens anymore! They eventually fixed that by simply removing the "teen" from the title but not after they'd already tried to justify the "teen" by bringing in that awful buzzkill Danny Chase.

Arion's Kids send Etrigan, Strix, Catman, Big Shot (Ralph!), Shawna, Ferdie, Jeannette and Porcelain to Atlantis. But she warns them that they might have to battle the "false king" to do so. I guess Aquaman really treasures his eight foot tall penis statue.

He's blocking his costume phallus with his gift from Poseidon phallus!

Catman and Aquaman scuffle which completely blocks out any thought of helping Alice as everybody sits around to watch the beefcake battle. But when their makeshift bubble at the bottom of the sea begins collapsing, everybody gets back to work. They do manage to free the mighty white phallus but too late. The sea comes collapsing in on them and they...well, come on. They obviously don't die! Aquaman probably calls in some saddled up sea horses to whisk them away to safety. But Arion's Kids believe they've died. They shed their skin and head into the sea to find some other suckers to break the pillars of the White Gate for them. Whoops. I guess Etrigan's team was the wrong side to choose! But you can't blame them. Who would ever agree to be on Felix Faust's team? The Occult Collective of Magic-users really should have put more thought into who they'd have representing their side. Black Alice is a young hip kid! Klarion might have been a decent choice but you don't send him in their with Whispy Haired Grandpa Smells Like Farts.

Secret Six #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sometimes I feel like some comic books don't need to be reviewed. I feel like they should just sell because people who want to read well-written comic books aren't totally stupid and will pick up the comic books worth reading. But then I remember that The Movement was cancelled because the assumption I just laid out in the previous sentence must be wrong. Also, Image is really putting on a good show and taking most of the money of discriminating comic book readers! And most of the comic book readers today never lived through the years where Image nearly destroyed comic books forever. All they know is that Image is a terrific company that gives writers and artists the chance to sell work they own and which they truly care about. Sure, it was like that in the nineties too (kind of. I mean, many of the founders also slipped into the work-for-hire bullshit that caused them to start Image in the first place) but a lot of the art and stories back then were a fucking mess. Anyway, if any of y'all have an extra $2.99 to spend each month and you aren't currently reading Secret Six, give it a chance. And if you don't like it, you can pretend I called you a douchebag after you finish.

Now stop being cheapskates and go participate in making me wealthy for writing comic book reviews! Go here and be joyous!

Secret Six #7

This is puppetist. Ferdie shouldn't be the symbol for The Ventriloquist. He should get his own symbol. Which would be a dildo.

I mentioned that I really liked the first episode of Supergirl and somebody replied with "I had some problems with the S - the 'what's wrong with being a girl' bit from her boss particularly, was absolutely horrible reasoning and completely missing the point - I don't mind that she's Supergirl and not Superwoman, but it was handled terribly." At what point did people stop believing that characters in shows, films, and written works could have unreasonable opinions? Can't an argument made by a character completely miss the point without it being seen as a flaw in the writing? Kara has an opinion about the name she wants to choose for her new persona. She doesn't like Supergirl and objects to it. Cat Grant has already been made out to be a horribly selfish person only concerned with her business and naming the new superhero reflects that. Her arguments for the name barely matter in this scene. Maybe some see it as the defense in the show for using girl instead of woman. But I saw that scene as an unreasonable human being choosing to fire somebody rather than be criticized. In a world of trending hashtags (ugh. What a shit world!), being the source of that hashtag proffers huge cultural capital. It's in Cat's best interest to defend the new name as vehemently as she can. I imagine Cat will wind up being more and more likeable as the show progresses but for now she's a fairly shallowly defined trope of the horrible boss (Lady Edition).

I get the feeling that some people put so much effort into pointing out how horrible the show was going to be from the trailers that they're going to have a hard time backing off of that position and realizing the show was fun, upbeat, and has the potential for an onscreen Director Bones! Also Superman was portrayed better than he's been in a long time. Although Supergirl's adoptive parents being Superman and Supergirl weirded me out a bit.

What is the secret?!

I should also point out before I continue that having a difference of opinion with somebody who comments on my blog which then gets me to go off on a slight mini-rant is not an attack on that person at all, no matter how strange their lightning is. Huge Manga Wink! I had to add this statement because I don't get angry at anybody ever but any time I do some hyperbolic rant based on somebody else's opinions, they always seem to think I've become their nemesis or something. The internet has created a lot of thin skinned people so I have to be careful! I don't want to accidentally piss off any more of my fifteen readers.

Speaking of projecting all things in a written story onto the beliefs and attitudes of the writer, I hate Gail Simone for how she starts this story.

Gail Simone is a capraphobe (not to be mistaken for coprophobe (although she's probably that as well. Who isn't?!))

So now we know Gail Simone is a huge fan of turning goats into flies. I bet it's a fetish from growing up on a farm.

I just took a break to watch tonight's episode of The Flash. When Patty found the Man/Shark teeth, I texted my friend Xan, "I'm a shark! I'm a shark! I'm a shark! I'm a shark!" I'm disappointed King Shark was one-shot by Harrison when he finally appeared. I hope Yo-yo is already inside his stomach. Also, is it just me or do all Firestorm stories always have a gay subtext? This is an appropriate place to mention this since The Flash episode seemed like a backdoor pilot for a Firestorm show and since Gail Simone was co-writing the most gay subtexty Firestorm comic book that I've ever read. I can't think of the Firestorm Matrix as anything but the Slash Matrix now.

That goat that was abused by Simone earlier? It walked into a place called The House of Strangers. It's some kind of mystical outpost defending the world from whatever the universe has got. It's the kind of place where people like The Phantom Stranger, Deadman, and Felix Faust like to stash their mystic pornography. Sometimes they run into each other and embarrassingly engage in small talk which doesn't have anything to do with the weird things they were just doing with their dicks behind closed doors. Instead they act like they're protecting the world from ghosts and goblins.

Although sometimes they discuss their bodily emissions and aberrant behavior explicitly.

Don't misunderstand me! I don't think masturbation is aberrant. But you have to admit that traveling to a secret sex dungeon called The House of Strangers to whack off while a corpse eats your butthole and fairies cream and jizz in your face while several gods watch and create new universes based on how hard you come might be a little bit aberrant.

They don't always come here just to masturbate though. It is called The House of Strangers for a reason. When you can get anything you want via magic, sometimes it's just nice to suck the huge dick of some guy you don't know and will never ever see again. And then sometimes it's fun to get together with all of your famous friends and really ruin the carpet.

Everybody should really be topless here.

I'm really writing myself into a corner with all of this sex stuff. It's not like this comic book is called Secret Sex. Dammit. Now I wish this comic book were called Secret Sex. What's the secret?!

This convocation probably has something to do with Black Alice falling into a coma at the end of the last issue. That's an educated guess which most readers probably didn't make because most comic book readers aren't Grandmasters like I am. It takes a special kind of perceptive ability to remember that last issue ended with Black Alice (who is a magic user!) falling unconscious and then to realize that this issue probably begins at some point after that moment (or before! The convocation might be about how she keeps borrowing their powers!) and that the two are somehow linked. I know, I know! Most of you were just left going, "Der! How do dem stories work?! Duh!" But that's why I'm here to help make sense of them! You can trust you Uncle Tess! Or Aunt Tess. Whatever.

See? That something is a little girl, right?

If whatever is stealing the powers of these magic assholes keeps stealing their powers, The White Gate will fall! Great! Big deal. It's about time that fucking privileged white gate got some comeuppance. How about letting some Gates of Color have a chance, hunh? How about letting people dream of a beautiful house surrounded by a proper fuchsia picket fence? Why doesn't somebody shove a shiv in Tom Sawyer's fucking throat so he stops convincing everybody to whitewash it all?!

Currently Black Alice is in the hospital confusing all of the doctors because those jerks spent their lives believing in science. Don't they know they're in a comic book?! Science is the last thing I'd believe in if the real world were like a comic book! Ralph is with her trying to pretend that Sue didn't just leave him for The Riddler.

The rest of the Secret Six are outside playing basketball. They're probably playing Jungle Rules. That means if the ball goes out of bounds and winds up on the grass, the game turns into a no holds barred wrestling match for possession of the ball.

I'm more concerned about the whereabouts of Shawna's cat than I am the arousal I'm feeling from seeing Ferdie's underwear.

Before I turn the page and find this entire episode deteriorates into chaos, it's nice to see Catman attempting to keep his cohorts in shape by playing a physical game. Why the hell do superheroes think it's smart to smash up billions of dollars of technological marvels in the name of "training"? STAR Labs should be the richest company on Earth selling training robots and simulation chambers.

On the next page, Strix knocks out Catman, takes the basketball up a tree, and proclaims herself winner. It's not the worst game of basketball I've ever witnessed. If this had been a professional game, I'm not even certain Strix would have been called for fouling or travelling if this were her home court.

Meanwhile back in The House of Strangers, the discussion has turned to murdering Black Alice. Apparently she's going through "arcane puberty" and it's a danger to the entire world. Well, if they're going to murder young girls for suddenly wanting to rub up against every door jam in the house, they'd better take a look at Batgirl because she's going mental from lack of penis. Although I think she might be getting some soon now that she's hanging around Luke Fox.

Jesus Christ, Alec! I'm currently drinking tea and now it tastes like scrotal sweat!

Look, you cheeky monkeys, it doesn't hurt my feelings if you just began thinking, "So, Tess, you know what scrotal sweat tastes like, hunh?" I actually pity you and your limited life experiences that you don't know what it tastes like! Take that!

Zatanna is against killing Black Alice. Didn't she just read Gaiman's The Sandman: Overture? If they don't kill Black Alice now, they'll just have to try again two more times and then be forced to have a bunch of people dream up a new universe. Easier to just make an anonymous call to the Suicide Squad and then go wash your hands in the bowl Pontius Pilate used. I'm sure it's lying around the fortress somewhere.

Thank you, Gail, for rescuing Teekl from that horrible Nocenti universe that I'm currently paying a hypnotist hundreds of dollars per month to help me forget!

I bet Klarion's plan is to let him fuck Black Alice so that her sexual energies don't wind up sapping them all dry. Although that's a poor plan because there's no way a youngster like Klarion can sexually satisfy Black Alice. Although an older magician would be too gross to suggest, right? Even worse than suggesting killing her? Right? Wrong and not sexy at all? Yeah. Totally agree with that position completely. Besides, that's a dumb plan anyway. Big Shot probably has a shotgun named Bigger Shot that he'll use to protect Black Alice's virtue (whether or not Black Alice wants it protected (how come fathers never ask their daughters if they want the boy to fuck them? Shouldn't the father comply with his daughter's wishes rather than oppressing her with his own traditional mores and values?)).

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Catman has regained consciousness and decides to take his mates to the weirdest mini-golf course in the world. It has 52 holes. They'd better all be themed on a different DC Comic book.

It is based on DC's comic books! Also, I will be writing an entire book of sonnets to Ferdie which people will study hundreds of years from now and refer to the subject of the sonnets as "The Dark Pervert."

As Catman mumbles some bullshit about feelings, Strix straddles the car being lifted by the Superman statue and I'm reminded (not for the first time during this issue) how much I appreciate when writers inject lightheartedness and fun into what could otherwise be a really dour and serious comic book. You can tell Gail Simone actually enjoys writing these characters and is free to write them the way she wants (I added that last bit because I didn't always get the same sense from when she was writing Batgirl. At least the moments were far fewer when they came). It makes a huge difference when a comic book writer is writing comic books because she wants to write comic books. I can name a bunch of writers who I really don't have to name if you've read much of this blog at all who obviously don't actually care about the characters or the stories. For whatever reason, they just wanted to be known as comic book writers and couldn't care about much else. It really shows in the finished product.

And then Etrigan appears in a fart of sulfur. My guess is that he could please Black Alice sexually. Plus he's a demon so I don't think he's breaking any human laws by having sex with a minor (a sixteen year old minor! I'm not advocating he have sex with a two year old! Christ. Calm down! Maybe try to get angry about something that actually matters and not an idiotic blowhard writing about comic books on the internet!).

Etrigan seems to just be a distraction because back at the hospital, Cheetah, Faust, Klarion, and Black Orchid have come to visit Black Alice.

Or not a distraction? Etrigan trying to help? I bet that barn owl Madame Xanadu asked him nicely. And, yes, by asked, I mean rim jobbed.

The plan to take care of Black Alice is to exile her to Limbo. Well, that's not so bad! At least she'll be able to hang out with characters like Cheeks the Toy Wonder and Jonni DC! Blake warns Ralph to get Black Alice out of the hospital before her visitors arrive. Except they arrive. Ralph's battle with Cheetah, Faust, and Black Orchid wakes up Black Alice who begins channeling all of DC's magic users at once. It looks like that White Gate is about to open if Klarion can't pitch woo quickly enough! Well, not too quickly, of course. But what are the odds Klarion isn't going to blow his load immediately?

Secret Six #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This has been my favorite comic book in the last month as long as you don't count some of the comic books I might have liked better in that time frame. I can't remember any offhand so I'm probably not exaggerating. It had a lot of my favorite components: Blue Devil, Teekl, Etrigan, Ferdie, Mini-golf, a ruined basketball game, a goat (even though it was abused), tea bag tea, a pipe that is also an hourglass, and King Shark. Okay, King Shark was just in tonight's episode of The Flash but I did watch that during a break from reading this, so I think that counts. This comic book is highly recommended by the best comic book reviewer on the internet, so you should probably read it. I won't say who the best comic book reviewer on the internet is but you can probably guess wrong until you guess me and then you'll be right.

Secret Six #5

Why did Simone make Alice so young because now I feel the way I feel when I watch Sailor Moon?

The life of a comic book reviewer is pretty sexy. Not from the outside, of course. From the outside, I'm a grumpy dickhole hunched over a laptop in a dark room snickering to myself as I think up new names to call lousy artists. But from the inside, I'm Jesus Christ here to save the world of comic books! No wait! That's not sexy at all! I forgot that I began saying that my life was pretty sexy! Stop thinking about Jesus being sexy! I won't be responsible for your blasphemy! I think I meant I'm Fabio on the cover of an 80's romance novel sweeping a copy of Elfquest #12 into my eager arms. That's the issue where Skywise met Aroree and probably the moment in comics that sparked the most fan fiction I've ever written (unless it was that scene where Skywise puts the moves on Foxfur). And by "written fan fiction," I actually mean "late night masturbation fantasies." This was before the internet so my fan fiction and masturbation outlets were severely limited.

I was going to continue to explain how great the life of a comic book reviewer is but now I can't stop thinking about how every piece of erotic fan fiction on the internet was probably masturbated to by the author. I also kind of feel like a fraud calling myself a "comic book reviewer" when I hardly ever mention the art, barely dissect the themes inherent in most stories, and mostly just type up any random thought that my synapses can fire off. But that's probably just low self-esteem trying to make me its victim. If you look up self-esteem in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of me teabagging it. At least you will in Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea's Oxfordian Dictionary of The Words I Could Remember While Compiling This Dictionary. Oh! "Compile"! That's Another One I Can Add!

I think this needs to be Jon Hamm's next role.

That page is why Gail Simone and I get along so well in my late night fan fiction. She puts her wieners right out there and dares people to make something of it. Some writers think that dignity is something to maintain, something to be hoarded and cherished. But Gail Simone learned a mighty lesson from Of Mice and Men and Old Yeller and took care of her dignity in the proper way by shooting it herself. People respect their dignity so much that they probably think what I just typed was an insult. Fuck no! I don't even remember what my dignity looked like! I'm pretty sure my dignity didn't survive junior high. All dignity does is hold you back and make you think having a character yell, "Red-hot wieners for everybody!", is sophomoric, silly pap. Which it is! But that's a good thing and not a bad thing! Comic books are meant to be fun, people! Get out your red-hot wieners and enjoy this shit. If I wanted to read War and Peace, I'd shoot myself.

Actually, I do want to read War and Peace and I don't actually want to shoot myself. Which reminds me that I need to replace my two favorite shirts in all the worlds! One had hearts and rainbows all over it and said, "I hate myself and want to die." It was made popular by that Engrish website. The other shirt had a penguin with his arms outstretched and read, "I wish I could fly." One time at a theater in Reno, Nevada, as I handed the ticket taker my stub for Thirty Days of Night, she looked down at my shirt and said, "Aww. That's so sad." I never remember what I'm wearing so I assumed it was the one where I hate myself. But then I looked down and saw it was the penguin and that made me smile. It is a rather melancholy shirt.

It was apparent in his reaction to the weird sex on the couch, but this scene really made me see the genius of having Ralph Dibny in a group like this. You need some kind of "normality" barometer with these psychos.

I put "normality" in quotes up there because some people are offended by the dictionary definition of the word normal. We get it! Everything should be acceptable! But that doesn't mean you have to take the definition of "the norm" behind the barn and introduce it to the concept of glory holes. I think it would be less uptight if you did though. And who knows? Norm might even enjoy the working side of the hole.

At the barbecue, Strix sits up in a tree and nobody knows why because I guess they've forgotten she's an owl. Ferdie is drilling holes in the ketchup. Alice is practicing sleeping five feet above the bed. Shauna's stole is more adorable than it ought to be. And Porcelain is getting drunk. The others will probably get drunk too. I know I'd get drunk if I ever decided to meet the neighbors during the yearly block party. But after twelve years of avoiding them, it's getting harder and harder to make an appearance. Besides, the one time I went to the neighbor's pig roast for a few minutes to get a beer and say hello, I was accosted by two people who may have thought their social game was kick ass but found it wasn't good enough to break through my hermit-fu. One guy told me I should try the chocolate covered bacon. I said, "No thank you." And then he said, "No, seriously. You have to try it. It's amazing." And I said, "That's okay." And he said, "You're really missing out. It's so good." And I said, "I don't eat meat." He then blinked a few times and just turned and walked away. Is that how you socialize? Are people supposed to enthusiastically love whatever I love? And if they don't, I just write them off and walk away? The other person must have recognized me as the neighbor that nobody really knows. And it seems maybe I have a reputation that was earned from speculative gossip because as I came down the stairs of my place and walked the few feet into the neighbor's driveway where the keg of beer was, this person approached me and said, "Is it the Witching Hour?" And I said, "What?" And he said, "The Witching Hour! Time to shut it down?" And I said, "I don't know what that is." And he said, "We getting too loud?" And I said, "I'm just here to get a beer." He then blinked a few times and just turned and walked away. Apparently I rock at partying!

Big Shot tells Catman that he thinks of the Secret Six as family. Whoa, whoa! I think that's coming on a little strong, don't you? Family?! Already? I guess Ralph and Sue were always kind of the parents of any group with which they were involved. And now that Sue's gone, Ralph is probably going stir crazy. Also he's probably horny and at least one of these pervos is bound to put out.

Catman heads up to wake up Alice and get her out of above bed. While he's in her room, she mentions having a dream about Preboot Swamp Thing #50. Except they wanted to destroy Alice instead of going into Hell for whatever they were doing during that story. Saving Abby or something, probably. Catman also notices a picture of Sue Dibny and explains that she isn't dead. He has a memory of her torturing him. Uh oh. It looks like maybe the Dibnys are pricks in the Reboot.

Blake decides to ask Big Shot nicely why he's married to a murderous shrew.

That might not be the best answer but it's an answer, I guess.

Porcelain and Shauna have a pleasant discussion while the boys fight it out on the lawn. Shauna shows herself to be far more intelligent than she's been letting on, and quite the clever little innuendoist. If she keeps coming up with clever explanations of comic book tropes, I might have to break my rules and begin crushing on an unattractive character of appropriate age. Although I really don't know how old she is. She could be sixteen but she looks like she crawled out of a Japanese television set that was currently tuned to a documentary about trash heaps. And the way she eats a hot dog could put a man in traction for weeks. Ooh baby!

I've always thought it was odd the way that men can look at women eating food and turn it into something sexual. The power of the Male Gaze is infinite! You know those schools that try to enforce dress codes because they say girls will distract the boys too much? Well, they should keep the girls from eating anything at all as well. In fact, maybe they should just sew all the girls' mouths shut. Or not even allow them to go to school at all! Problem solved!

Black Alice uses her powers to stop the fight which means she dresses up like Hawk and jumps into battle. Is that how her powers have always worked? She steals the trademark of another hero and gets busy fighting? I know she pulled Zatanna's backwards magic trick in an earlier issue, and I think she did something else at some point but I'll be damned if my brain ever decides to cooperate with me. And since the "me" part of me is a figment of my brain's imagination, I might have some kind of problem distinguishing reality.

Big Shot decides to stop fighting and answer Catman's questions. He tells everybody that Mockingbird is actually The Riddler. So by Issue #5, the Secret Six know who their tormentor is? I don't buy it! The Riddler is probably just Mockingbird's red-hot wiener!

There has to be a way bigger conspiracy here than just Mockingbird and the people he's manipulating. You don't once watch All the President's Men on acid and not learn a little something about conspiracies.

Big Shot decides to come clean to his new family. He loads them up in a van and takes a drive down the coast to explain it all. He begins painting a portrait of a night aboard a yacht where The Riddler was trying to fence a famous diamond, The India Star. It was the night the Secret Six's paths would cross for the first time and the entire reason why they were in the positions they found themselves in now. Ralph and Sue were posing as fences to try to get the diamond for a client. Catman and Strix were working security and/or filming cereal commercials. Shauna and Ferdie crashed the party because Shauna is a starfucker. Or, at the very least, a well-dressed-anybodyfucker. And Black Alice and Porcelain were there to steal the diamond. Maybe. Some of them might be lying. What is the secret?!

Whoa! I almost forgot to say "What is the secret?!" during this commentary! That was a close call.

Little did any of the guests know, the India Star wasn't the real reason they were all gathered together.

Somebody's nose forgot to sniff out this little mystery.

The Riddler's diamond was subsequently stolen and his yacht blown up. The only people left on the yacht when it blew were Riddler, the Secret Six, and Sue. Riddler blamed those on his ship for the disaster and that's probably why they wound up in the bottom of the ocean being asked, "What is the secret?!" I guess the answer to that question would be that one of the six has a huge diamond up their ass?

Anyway, Ralph Dibny says he didn't know Sue was still alive. But as we've seen previously, he's in contact with him so it's more probably Sue is the reason Ralph is working for Mockingbird. Just like the others will have reasons why they are as well. Many layers of this conspiracy have yet to be exposed. Maybe I can figure them out if I drop some acid next month. Although if I do, this commentary will be full of observations like "Triangles are the perfect shape because three is the perfect number" and "Why do you push the pause button to pause a movie and then push the pause button again to unpause the movie instead of pushing play?" and "Jupiter is following me. It won't stop looking at me" and "Books with pictures in them would be a great idea!" and "Am I really typing this or am I just a homeless vagabond desperate and alone and fantasizing in a ditch down by the trainyards?" Acid might be an enjoyable way to pass an evening, like playing video games or a round of tennis, but I don't believe it helps one think grand and interesting thoughts. Especially when you're busy trying to smash those tiny people climbing in and out of the handle on your comic book boxes. I hate those fuckers.

The group arrive at the dock of Edward Nygma's new yacht and Sue appears. At the same moment, Black Alice and Shauna are sedated by tranquilizer darts. It's a trap! Of course! The Riddler captures them all and announces there will be a wedding the next day. I guess Sue has made her choice! Probably just to keep Ralph alive. But still, it's gotta hurt that the woman you love would choose a cheesy Batman villain over your silly stretchy self, right?

Secret Six #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book contains characters that interact with each other in ways that real people might actually interact with each other. Most people would think, "Well duh! Isn't that how fiction should read?" Well, yes! But you'd be surprised at how seldom that actually happens in comic books. A lot of dialogue is simply written towards getting characters to engage in some kind of physical conflict. Complexity of character is not something comic books have traditionally done well. So it's always refreshing to read a book like this with a bunch of characters sitting around at a picnic which makes you think, "Jesus Christ, this is exactly what Thanksgiving is like with my family." I love the words and the story and the art and the characters. It's a fun book and I'm glad it's on the shelves. One more thing which I didn't mention because, as I did mention earlier, I suck as a comic book reviewer: I love Eaglesham's chaotic covers. Please keep them coming. They're like little mini-posters that I would easily hang on my walls if I were still in a phase of my life where I stapled shit to walls. Maybe I'll get a gym membership simply to tape these covers up in my locker so I can stand naked before them and gaze at their beauty.