Batman Loves Superman #1

Batman teams up with a Superman pencil topper?

I was tricked into buying this comic book because I'm a comic book fan. If I were in the Star Wars Universe, I'd be getting Jedi mind tricked left and right. I couldn't leave a Jedi bar without wondering why my breath smelled like semen and I couldn't remember the last five hours. I'm not saying Jedis are rapists but if even the supposed most decent Jedi in the galaxy can fuck with some guy's mind who's just looking for a couple of droids, I have to assume that they're all abusing their mind powers in various ways. I think Ayn Rand was a Jedi because pointing out somebody has a weak mind seems to be the only excuse needed for manipulating that mind. Plus, it's too simple a theology to believe the Light Side is upstanding and non-problematic and the Dark Side is gross and cancelled. I bet the Dark Side has some really great ideas about how to run a small moon or death satellite. Why hasn't the Light Side ever come up with a super weapon? To be used for peaceful purposes, of course! Their main weapon is the lightsaber which looks like a baseball bat. Did none of them ever think, "Hey! The Death Star looks like a giant baseball! What if we build a fucking really fucking huge lightsaber?!" Shit, their training apparatus was a mini-death star that shoots lasers that Jedi must block. How could they not think about making a massive lightsaber to block Death Star bolts?! Fucking idiots. Dark Side all the way!

Oh, so as I was saying, I was tricked into buying this comic book! I don't care much for Joshua Williamsons's writing but I still picked this up because it sounded like I needed to if I were to understand everything happening in the DC Universe in the upcoming months. But then I should have thought, "Do I really want to understand any of it if Joshua Williamson is writing it?" But I didn't think that. I hardly think at all when I'm in a comic book shop. I just look around and go, "Ooh! The Batman Who Laughs! Ooh! Harley Quinn! Ooh! The Hulk's cock must be huge. Ooh! Another Terry Moore book where all the blonde women look like Katchoo so I'm often confused! Ew! Walking Dead is still employing Charlie Adlard to do art! Ooh! A new Chris Ware book so I can remember how dreadful existence is! Ooh! My retailer put a book I don't read in my pull box and I don't have the capacity to engage in the smallest amount of conflict that I feel will result in my refusing to buy it after they went through so much trouble! Ooh! How the fuck did I just spend fifty dollars on this shit?! Ooh! I hate myself!"

I didn't even read the previous Batman Who Laughs mini-series so why the fuck did I get dragged into this shit?! I also bought Issues one, two, and four of Event Leviathan but then stopped because I couldn't find Issue three and now I've wasted money on that series that I'll never even read. Fucking comic books. Why do I bother?

Oh yeah! Chris Ware is why I bother! I can't wait to snot cry my eyes out over Rusty Brown.

When did Perry White become interested in Batman and Gotham stories? Oh, that's right. When Joshua Williamson began writing him. Oh, and what editor puts a fucking exclamation point in their headline? Even "Dewey Beats Truman" didn't have any punctuation!

If Jimmy Oleson can get a picture of Batman from that angle, then somebody needs to begin investigating Jimmy Oleson. He might be Superman.

It's going to take me all night to read this one comic book if I keep getting bogged down in the details. Although the details are where all the fun is! The plot probably won't even be worth mentioning. I can probably state it right now without even reading the comic book! "The Batman Who Laughs introduces some kind of virus into the DC Universe which begins infecting heroes whom Batman and Superman need to sniff out and inject with Bat-Antidote." That's pretty much what the cover said and I don't expect it to get any more complicated.

While Clark is at work surrounded by his fellow employees (and employer!), Batman calls for Superman's help. Instead of excusing himself from the room, he simply disappears at super speed. I mean, he's fast so nobody will notice that he left without anybody noticing him leaving! Plus, Clark Kent's persona is so boring that I guess everybody just shrugs and thinks, "Was he even here? Who knows? *YAWN*".

The second page and Williamson is already losing me by having Superman engage in trite comic book philosophy. Think up better reasons for Superman to be better, you lazy jerk.

"You know why I don't punch people on the street? Because then I'd be like people who punch people on the street!" is a pretty lazy code of ethics. Even "I don't punch people on the street because I don't want to be punched on the street" would be better and even that's pretty much the bare minimum of being a good person. How about Superman doesn't treat bad guys like they treat people because he follows the teachings of Jesus, especially the bit about how the man with no sin should cast the first stone. And, no, that doesn't mean righteous people get to act like assholes, Tumblr. It means everybody should have a chance to redeem themselves and their past horrible behavior. It's an anti-death penalty statement made at a public execution. And it's not because Jesus doesn't want people to become like the convicted! It's because he understands that everybody throwing rocks has, at some point, done something for which they've needed forgiveness. And the only way to get forgiveness is to earn it through works and actions. And you can't do that if a bunch of self-righteous assholes on Twitter murder you with stones.

Fucking, Jesus, man. It's weird that I totally get what you're saying but I don't believe in you at all and there are millions of people who don't fucking understand you one bit but claim you as their Lord and Savior.

If you're not religious, just replace "Jesus" with "Gandalf" in the prior exchange and remember that Gandalf's lecture to Frodo about how we can't give life so why are we so quick to take life away is the reason Gollum survives to destroy the One Ring. Mercy and compassion and forgiveness are the only ways to allow for redemption. Oh, sure, Gollum never really redeems himself and the One Ring is only destroyed because Gollum is a greedy and clumsy asshole! But I think you're supposed to kind of ignore that part and just realize without him, Frodo would have become just as greedy but way less clumsy and Sauron would have won.

Anyway, that was Earth-Negative-Whatever's Superman thinking that trite bullshit so maybe I can let it go! I'm sure the Superman of Earth-Positive-0 has way more complex thoughts about moral superiority! Earth-Positive-0 Superman has been called to Gotham by Batman to discuss The Batman Who Laughs and his special serum. I didn't read The Batman Who Laughs but I assume Batman defeated The Batman Who Laughs in it. But it was close and Batman was forced to consider what could happen to the world if he ever stepped over that line! You know the line! Superman just said it in my previous scan! The line that Batman uses to prove that Batman doesn't believe in justice at all; he's just trying to keep from becoming a serial killer one day at a time.

Ugh. I forgot that in Batman Loves Superman comic books, we're subjected to this kind of constant Narrationg Boxing. And the more mediocre the writer, the more intolerable the "playful" thought exchanges.

Commissioner Gordon sends Batman and Superman on a mission to save some kid that was apparently kidnapped by a Superman Who Laughs. After Batman and Superman leave, Gordon laughs. Not much but it's a slight laugh. So I guess I'm supposed to suspect anybody who laughs is evil now? I guess I'll have to kill myself to save all of my loved ones from my gregarious personality! I'm a monster!

This is a trick question, right? More to the point, "What could Superman do that wouldn't stop Batman?!" I can think of about five thousand ways that Superman could stop Batman without even having thought about it before! They just all came to me as soon as Batman asked the question!

I get it. Readers of DC have been trained to believe that nobody can stop Batman. Batman always has a plan. Batman is always prepared. Batman will, if he has to, kill Superman to save the world. Except we also know that Batman won't kill or else that will make him no better than the bad guys! And if we assume that in the final battle between Batman and Superman that Batman will finally kill, maybe we should assume Superman will as well. And maybe we should assume that Superman isn't as naive as Batman thinks he is and that Superman will be killed by Batman in a surprise attack (like how the Batman Who Laughs kills his world's Superman in the beginning of this issue). Maybe Superman will just fly into space and incinerate Batman with his laser vision from orbit. Or maybe Superman will suck all of the oxygen out of a ten mile radius around Batman, knocking him (and everything else) unconscious after which Superman will eat his heart. Or maybe he'll just throw his unconscious body into the Phantom Zone. That's more Superman's way than the heart eating thing. That's more my thing, I guess, since I laugh so much I must be a truly sinister fuckmonster.

Batman winning the fight against Superman always has enough presuppositions in Batman's favor that everybody simply believes Batman can defeat Superman, any time and any place. But more to the point, Batman will probably always beat Superman because that seems to be the more challenging story for a writer to write. And they always want to attempt the more challenging story! I'd like to say more surprising too but, at this point in DC history, it would be more surprising if a writer chose to let Superman win.

You know how Batman has prepared to take out any other hero if they go bad? What if Superman has used his x-ray vision to give Batman super cancer that can be activated with one more small blip of x-ray vision, leading to Batman's ultimate demise. Sure, it'll probably take about six months but Superman can just hide in a quasar until then. I bet the residents of Kandor aren't actually dead! I bet Superman implanted them in Batman so they can end him at any time! They probably live rent free in Batman's brain!

If I don't stop, I'm just going to list all five thousand ways I figure Superman can kill Batman. I should probably keep the other four thousand, nine hundred, and ninety six ways of stopping Batman for future Batman Loves Superman commentaries.

Batman keeps pressing Superman about Superman's "What if Batman turns evil?" contingency plan. Batman is such a narcissist. What makes him think Superman would have any trouble stopping him?! I bet he's already given Alfred some special Kryptonian tea which causes impotence whenever the person who drinks it is around kryptonite which Batman surely noticed by now so he never has any kryptonite on him when he's out whoring around as Bruce Wayne which is when Superman will strike. Four thousand, nine hundred and ninety five ways left!

"Oh, uh, right. Sentimental!" replies Batman as he positions his bat cape to hide his bat boner caused by thinking about his sex toys.

Batman and Superman discover a mold for six batarangs which obviously means The Batman Who Laughed only made six batarangs with which to infect six heroes with Batman Who Laughs juice. And I'm sure they can only be used once because that makes it easy to follow the plot. Save six heroes and Batman and Superman win! And the first hero they need to save is Captain Marvel. Or is it Shazam now? I mean, it shouldn't be Shazam because then Billy Batson can't say his own superhero name without killing the power across several city blocks.

Of course Captain Marvel can kick Superman's ass. Captain Marvel is magic! But then again, he's also an inexperienced child. But then again, Superman wouldn't want to hurt a poor innocent child! So see? This fight is already more exciting than a Superman/Batman match-up where Batman would be a pile of ashes/broken bones/cancer in seconds!

I just remembered that this issue was called "Who are the Secret Six?" At first I thought, "Oh boy! The Secret Six will be guest stars. But then I realized, "Oh, see? Finding a mold that can make six batarangs at once obviously means it was just used once and only six heroes have been turned. I hope the big surprise will be Batman and Superman getting killed by six more turned heroes just when they let their guards down."

Batman Loves Superman #1 Rating: C. It gets an average grade because it's exactly what I expected written exactly as averagely as I expected plodding the same old Batman Loves Superman ground as I expected. And while I might normally drop the series, I'd forgotten how much fun it is to write about a comic book that I'm completely biased against! Hey, at least I admit it! Try reading one of those other comic book review sites that think they're objective and just see how much fucking garbage they'll recommend to you. I mean, the Weird Science blog loved Neal Adams' Deadman comic book! At least for a few issues before they could no longer make excuses for how thoroughly fucking awful it was! At least my review began with, "Holy fucking shit I think I just found the anti-Bible!" Or words to that effect. It would be narcissistic for me to remember every single word I've ever written!

Super sonS #3

ULTIMATE DANCE PARTY!

The Review!
-1 Ranking! Damian and Jon bicker and argue as they fight robotic versions of themselves created by Kid Amazo. Neither kid is likable in this context. Every time Damian meets a new person, do I have to be exposed to his penchant for being a complete and utter arrogant dick to them? I like Damian but I'm growing tired of the superficial, lazy way of writing his character. He's a blowhard who has to constantly state how much better he is than everybody else when I just wish he'd grow up (just a smidgen!) and prove he's better than everybody while keeping his fucking trap shut. And Jon is just portrayed as Damian's constantly kicked dog. How many issues did it take for Damian to supposedly become best friends with the Teen Titans? Can we just get to that point here as well? I want to see these two kids get along. If Damian really wants to be a better Batman, he can start by treating his Superpeer better than the way Batman treats his.

There was also a robot girl who's not entirely a robot because she's also a little girl (but a robot!). It's not as Japanese sexy as it sounds because did you not read where I said she was a little girl?! Pervert.

Super sonS #2

How come sidekicks aren't constantly getting hauled in by local police for crimes like loitering and being young in public?

This issue has a prologue just like the first issue. And just like the first issue, it's about that kid who's a big jerk and lives in a movie studio. This prologue reveals he can become three jerks at once. He does that so he can murder his mother, father, and brother all at the same time. Too bad he couldn't become four jerks because his little sister makes a run for it while he makes sure the readers know his superhero name is Kid Amazo. Not that he's actually a hero. Most of them don't murder their family. They wait for the family to be murdered and then they become a superhero. I think if you do it the other way around like Kid Amazo, you're most likely a super villain.

Speaking of getting hauled in by the local police for youthful indiscretions, Damian and Jon have just been caught trespassing on the side of LexCorp's building by Lex Luthor. Being that he's still confused by The New 52 and Rebirth and Infinite Crisis and Zero Hour and all the rest of DC's universes that have come crashing down into the brains of every DC character in an effort to satisfy every fan except the most obsessed and virginal, Lex Luthor doesn't recognize Superboy or Robin.

Damian drops Superboy off the side of the building so that he can escape. He winds up on the roof and breaks into LexCorps to explore an unmarked level in the schematics he memorized. On the ground, Superboy kicks Luthor in the face and gets away. The only reason Luthor is having trouble battling a child is because he's supposed to be a good guy now. Normally, he would just shoot the kid in the pancreas and rifle through the kid's velcro wallet.

No wait. He catches him. How could I have ever doubted the world's smartest man?

I bet the world's smartest woman is Doctor Veritas the Omniologist. I know I shouldn't acknowledge her existence since she was created by Scott Lobdell but I can't help it. I'm compelled to remember the stupidest things ever written in comic books.

It looks like it won't be long before Jon isn't allowed to play with Damian anymore.

Damian and Jon get away while Lex tries to disarm a bunch of fake bombs Damian set up as distractions. I guess Lex Luthor isn't the smartest guy on Earth! He's not even the smartest adult in the room. It takes some doing to not be the smartest person in the room when you're the only person in it. But I've been there. Sometimes I sit in my office after typing a comment about how I'm going to suck Tom King's dick to thank him for The Omega Men and then Mark Russell walks in on us and is hurt that I'm not sucking his dick for Prez and I think, "I'm not the smartest guy in this room, am I?" I should hang my college degree on the wall so I can at least feel smart due to paying loads of money to read books for four years without somebody yelling at me to get a job.

Damian's plan was to steal Lex's security footage so he could get a glimpse of the person who broke into LexCorps a few nights ago. It's Kid Amazo! That probably shouldn't have sounded like such an exciting revelation. What did you think all those prologues were doing at the beginning of these comics? Obviously it was going to tie in to Damian and Jon's story!

When is Damian going to invite Superboy to join the Teen Titans? Is he too young to get a handy from Starfire?

Using some of Superboy's skills and some of Damian's skills, they determine the kid who broke into LexCorps was fourteen year old Reggie Meyer from Providence. The kid still has his powers from The New 52 Amazo Virus. That's why he can split into multiple versions of himself. I guess that means it's time to track him down.

Clark and Lois totally know Jon is missing by now, right? They're farm parents! They have to look in on their kid sleeping four or five times a night to smile lovingly and sigh.

Oh come on! Starfire is at least 34! At least she's as horny as a 34 year old.

Robin and Superboy find Kid Amazo's dead family. Superboy thinks they should call their parents but Robin is all, "No way! Fuck him! Did you hear what I just said? I said fuck! Nobody can stop me from swearing!" But Superboy doesn't listen. He leaves the scene of the crime and runs into Kid Amazo's kid sister in the woods nearby. He promises to help her while Robin continues to look for clues. Meanwhile, Batman and Superman have stopped by to say "-TT-" and "Your mother is worried!", respectively. Did I use respectively correctly? It's not like anybody would have been confused about who said what anyway.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm really upset for Superboy that Robin didn't invite him to the Teen Titans simply because he's not a teen. There's no way Starfire is a teen. Unless the planet Tamaran has a much longer orbit than Earth. I suppose she could be fifteen by Tamaranean reckoning even if she's definitely no less then 34 in Earth years. I'm also surprised nobody has killed an animal yet. Maybe Patrick Gleason is the one who has a boner for murdering animals. Hopefully Batcow won't be forgotten. Maybe she'll eventually go to live on the Kent's farm! I know they were the Smiths. But I figure since the Blue and Red Electric Superman and Lois Lane have merged, and Mr. Mxyzptlk has fixed Superman's identity problem, they'll go back to being Kents.

Super sonS #1

Why couldn't Jon have been a Martha?

Sometimes people wonder why I discuss Donald Trump. Mostly they wonder that because the things I write are less than flattering towards Trump and his supporters. But I'd like to point everybody to Trump's February 16th, 2017 Press Conference. It's evidence for why I often point out Trump is a moron and anybody who thinks otherwise can't be too smart either. I'll allow that some people support Trump even though they know he's a gigantic idiot, even if I have no idea what those people are thinking. But if anybody can listen to the guy speak and think he even has an average intelligence, they are obviously just as stupid as he is. I don't mean that as an elementary school playground insult. I'm not screaming "Ha ha! You're so stupid!" just to get a rise out of a person. I'm just stating a verifiable fact. The guy has no idea what he is talking about, ever. He lies about everything and then excuses his own lies by saying, "Well, that's what I heard." And he can't form one single coherent sentence whenever he's speaking off the cuff. Hell, even when he has a speech in front of him, he can't help interrupting himself and mangling the entire thing. The guy is a fucking idiot and anybody who thinks he isn't is also an idiot. Again, that's a fact and not an insult! You just can't be smart if you think he's smart because he so obviously isn't.

The Review!
This story has a prologue! It's about a kid who has a family. But the family is super scared of the kid. See, he's also a super son, probably. But he uses his super incorrectly. He's using it to induce fear! But not in the correct way to induce fear like Batman! He makes people other than criminals fearful which is probably bad for some reason that I'd totally know if I had any kind of a moral compass.

The kid and his family live on a movie set. That'll probably be important later. Like it'll be some kind of lame commentary on reality television. Are people still upset by reality television? Since it hasn't killed well produced and well written shows, shouldn't we have moved past it feeling like a threat to writers, actors, and directors in the entertainment industry?

After the prologue is over, the real story begins. That's the part where Robin and Superboy are fighting robotic versions of themselves in a jungle. It would be more exciting if one of them was a daughter (although it would make the title a bit confusing).

No wait. I spoke too soon. The battle in the jungle might be the real story but it doesn't really begin there. It begins two days earlier in Hamilton County. That's where Jon Smith gets into a snowball fight with a bunch of bullies. The bullies don't resort to slush balls (which I can't help but think of rape when I mention them. Thanks a lot, Cosby, for tainting all of the your funny bits!); they put rocks in the snowballs. That doesn't sound like a cute idea at all although I always laughed when Mei would say, "I'm putting a rock in this one," in Mei's Snowball Fight in Overwatch. So I guess it's kind of cute and funny.

Damian shows up to win the snowball fight and show Jon that it's fun to shirk the rules. I don't think Jon is buying it. I wonder if this exact same script would work for a regular Superman and Batman story, with a few minor cosmetic changes, of course! Like school would be, um, traffic school! And the snowball fight would be an adult snowball fight with cussing!

Later that night, Damian visits Jon in bed.

Imagine how titillating this scene would be with adult Superman and Batman!

Later, Jon lies to Damian.

It was Jon White. Then Jon Smith. Is this Tomasi's way of saying, "You know what? Fuck it. They're back to being the Kents." Maybe they changed their names in the most recent Action Comics which I have yet to read.

Damian convinces Jon to get his Superboy kit on and head to Metropolis to investigate a mystery at LexCorps. While they're climbing the side of the building, Lex Luthor flies by to chastise them. Or maybe more than chastise them since that's the cliffhanger ending. I don't think Lex will do more than scold them though. Even Lex Luthor wouldn't punch young kids in the face. Would he?

The Ranking!
About average. I figure a Tomasi book about the Super and Bat kids will have some moments that get me right in the tear ducts but right now, it's exactly what you'd expect. Superboy being a good kid and Damian trying to push all of Superboy's buttons because Damian is an asshole.

Superman #15

Yay! Earth 13's Superdemon!

• This issue begins on Earth 14. That's special because Earth 14 was a mystery until now! Previously it had been theorized by geniuses in the theorization game that Earth 14 was where the Monitors did their sexual experiments. But today, we find out that it's home to the Justice League of Assassins! I don't think they know the difference between justice and vengeance. Somebody should show them the after-school special, "Bloodlust Justice."

• The following statement is obvious but I thought I should say it because you probably wouldn't think it on your own even though you'll realize how obvious it is when you read it. Earth 14 Aquaman is way cooler than Earth 0 Aquaman. He's got a mohawk and a laser eye and a shark's jaw around his neck. I bet he even has better powers like forcing sea life to murderfuck his targets.

• The Justice League of Assassins manage to kill all of the Gatherers that have come for them. But then Prophecy shows up and obliterates them in one gesture. That guy is the most powerful character in the Multiverse, I bet! After Harvest, of course!

• After realizing what has happened to Earth 14's Justice League, Preboot Superman comes up with a plan. Collect all the remaining Supers from all the other Earths and protect them in the Orrery of Worlds. I didn't say it was a complex plan. It's not like Batman came up with it.

• They collect Superdemon from Earth 13, Nazi Superman from Earth 10, Superman from the Batman Beyond Earth 12, Wild West Bison-headed Superman of Earth 18, and legacy Superman from Earth 16. They probably pick up some more but they don't have time to show scenes from all 37 Earths that still have Supers on them.

• The next step in Preboot Superman's plan is to get caught. That's because they don't know where Prophecy lives. Probably on Earth 24 or 25 or 27 or 28 or 46 or 49. If it isn't any of those Earths then it's an entirely new dimension! Crazy!

• Preboot Superman's plan works! And we finally get a look at Prophecy!

He's kind of boring. I guess the broken sword gives him some character. And the flaming head. But the wide floppy mouth just makes him look silly. And the lines on his inseam make it look like he has a boner.

The Ranking!
No change! I did like seeing all the different worlds but not much else happened. And why introduce me to the Justice League of Assassins just to wipe them out? Why couldn't Earth 0 Aquaman have been replaced by Earth 14 Aquaman?

Superman Annual #1

They're fighting over who loves the sun more.

Tumblr, I would appreciate it if you would stop filling my dashboard with advertisements for fetish sites.

No thanks!


Super no thanks!


Enough with the avocados already! I don't even like to eat them!

This issue begins with Clark checking the cabbages on his farm. But he's not wearing his glasses, so how is he going to see it clearly? Also he isn't wearing overalls and from everything I know about farmers is that they wear overalls. Unless they also wear flannel shirts. But if they're wearing flannel shirts and playing a bass guitar, they are probably not farmers but slackers from Seattle. Judging from the cover, it looks like Clark is going to either ask Swamp Thing for help and it will all go wrong, or Clark is going to use some kind of Monsanto seeds and face the harsh judgment of the alt-left. I mean Swamp Thing!

I'm not a farmer but I think Clark's problem might be trying to grow his cabbages directly under the elm in the backyard.

My guess is that the fields are super dry because growing Black Mercies takes a lot out Earth earth.

Clark decides to investigate the problem with his farm as Superman. Obviously there must be something strange going on if Superman can't grow a few cabbages. No way he's just an idiot when it comes to farming, right? He tears off his shirt and flies into the sky.

Has there ever been a story in the 60s or 70s where a tailor in Metropolis figured out Superman's secret identity simply because Clark kept bringing in all of his shirts to get the buttons sewn back on?

Superman manages to find Swamp Thing draining all of the water around the Smith Farm. Swamp Thing's first words to Preboot Superman are, "You don't belong here anymore!" Oh. I don't want to see these two fighting! They're one of my favorite ships!

OMG! So cute!

Swamp Thing has felt something wrong with The Green surrounding Preboot Superman's existence on Earth New Earth. Don't worry, Swampy. We all feel it! I keep hoping every Superman story arc I read is going to fix it. But then I also hope that each Superman story arc I read doesn't fix it because DC Comics has a tendency of fixing things in a way that just makes them more broken. I really think it's time they stop trying to tie up all the weird continuity ends and just say, "Fuck it!" I think that's a reasonable way to approach most of life's problems.

Although keeping the DC Universe in this state has one upside: it makes Preboot Superman one of my favorite characters. I love that he can reference all of the stories of DC's past that nobody else knows anything about. Except maybe Wally West. But I don't like Wally West for no particular reason at all.

See?! They're going to fight over who's a bigger fan of the sun! Like a couple of asshat Harry Potter fans on Tumblr!

Superman touches Swamp Thing, leaving a big blue hand-print on him. And then Swamp Thing begins to speak in Klingon. I mean Kryptonian. He says, "I'm Superman. And I can do almost anything. Except of course raise the dead." So he's not Jesus Christ. Big deal! He's better than Jesus. Bigger! More popular!

Swamp Thing continues: "I'm here to say goodbye, Clark. I know you are not coming back. You and your family are not what you believe you are." I hope Superman is lying to Clark right now because I don't want Preboot Superman to not be Preboot Superman. See what's happening? DC Comics is trying to fix shit and only making it worse! Because usually they're fixing the thing that they used to fix the last thing that was broken but meant to fix the previous thing that was broken which was the thing they used to fix a previous thing that was broken. And, of course, used to fix another thing. All the way back to Crisis on Infinite Earths. Every fucking time DC changes their universe, it's just another domino due to the 1985 Crisis.

More from Swamp Thing as he and Superman battle: "You may not be here in body but I know you are in apirit...". I think he probably meant spirit there. Superman does mention that Swamp Thing's accent and dialect make it so he can barely understand him. It does seem weird that the most obvious Kryptonian letter is the S because it matches Superman's symbol for hope. And yet that's the letter the letterer typos? I think it's a clue!

Superman drives Holland deep into the Earth so that Swamp Thing can take root and cleanse himself of the virus Superman gave him by touching him. It works and Swamp Thing stops spouting Kryptonian. That's too bad. I wanted to hear more!

After Swamp Thing is better, he decides to help Superman cleanse himself too. To do that, he wants to fuse with Superman. YES PLEASE!

Instead of relenting and eating one of Swamp Thing's Fuck Fruits, Superman decides punching is the better solution. I suppose Swamp Thing should get consent but since I want to see them fuck and I know they're fictional characters, I don't really mind that Swamp Thing is being so aggressive. Plus his "fusion" isn't really about fucking. But it still sounds intimate enough that he should stop and explain things to Superman instead of playing the "NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! WE MUST WASTE TIME FIGHTING NOW!" card.

Apparently Swamp Thing did have an actual timetable for fusion and it might have to do with the setting sun. Because after fighting a bit, Swamp Thing points out that they can't even fuse now. So instead, he eats Superman. I'm starting to see why my Tumblr Dashboard is full of advertisements thinking that I want to have sex with fruits. I'm still a bit confused about the baby with the codpiece.

Apparently Preboot Superman is drawing in too much solar energy around him. So that's why his cabbages keep dying! Of course it isn't because he sucks at farming! That would have been preposterous! What is also preposterous is the spelling of preposterous.

Swamp Thing finally gets permission from Swamp Thing to do the fusion thing. Although is it really consent if you've already eaten the person?

Swamp Thing says Superman has to forget the past to remain on Earth New Earth. See that? Fuck you, DC! You can't tell me to forget that this is Preboot Superman just because Swamp Thing tells him to forget that he's Preboot Superman! You can suck my dick, DC Comics! Just stop trying to fix everything already! This isn't going to make Superman fit better. Everybody else still knows he's a different Superman. I suppose if all of the editors tell all of the writers to just treat this Superman as the New 52 Superman, it gets rid of some of the stupid shit you pulled trying to fix New 52 Superman. But really you've just broken everything a little bit more. What will be your next fix that breaks things more by fixing one tiny thing? Idiots.

The Review!
Look, I hate the idea that this Superman somehow needs to be fixed by incorporating him into the New 52 world better. And that's where my vitriol comes from. But I actually liked this story by Tomasi and Gleason. Besides, they didn't go to the extreme that Swamp Thing erased Superman's memories. Swamp Thing just put the emphasis on Superman to look toward the future and simply accept Earth New Earth as if it were Preboot Earth One. That kind of works for me since I already think of it that way. And I think of it as Pre-Zero Hour Earth and Post Crisis Earth and Pre-Crisis Earth too. All the stories in my head, the ones I grew up reading, are what make the DC Universe, not what DC tells me about their Universe. They hardly ever know what they're doing anyway when it comes to editorial control. It's best just to love the stories by the writers you love and believe the characters have been built upon those stories alone.

Superman #7

I don't think the Smiths raise cattle so what the fuck is up with the barbed wire?

The Review!
I wasn't going to do any running commentary while reading this comic book (that's why it says "The Review!" up there and not "The Commentary!") but since I already mentioned the barbed wire on the cover, I thought I should point out, to myself, that the Smiths' neighbors have cattle. So I guess they put up the barbed wire and Jon probably defaced it because he's a little asshole. Also, the Smiths live in Hamilton County. So the Location Box in Justice League should have said "Smith Farm, Hamilton County." I suppose Hamilton County and Metropolis can still be the same place. It's not like DC Comics has a good grip on where Metropolis is anyway. Besides, they're the company that couldn't remember that the Arctic and the Antarctic were two different places. I guess nobody ever said you needed a geography degree to write comic books.

Maybe I'll just go back to bullet points for these comics that I want to read quickly but still might have stupid comments to make.

• Kathy, Jon's neighbor, thinks Jon is totally adorable in his new glasses. Mostly she's flirting with him because he's the only other kid she knows. Her first kiss has got to come from somewhere and it's either Jon or one of the cows.

• Some ugly guys are standing around outside the entrance to the fair so of course they're going to rob it. It's not like society expects better of ugly people. Sure, we all just wish they'd stay inside and stop bumming us all out but that would be unkind. It's much more kind to look at them and interact with them without showing that you're holding in your vomit. But just because we pretend they don't make us sick, it doesn't mean we have to give them jobs! So what else can they do except engage in petty crime? It's probably for the best. If they're in jail, nobody else has to look at them and think, "Oh god. I'm so glad I'm attractive!"

• No, I am not typing this from inside a prison cell! How dare you!

• The Smiths are having a nice day at the fair and Clark has promised Lois that tonight he wouldn't be Superman at all. Not even a smidgen! I mean, not at the fair! He'll definitely be Superman when they get home, if you get my meaning! I mean he's going to bang her good!

• Lois decides to ask about any jobs at the Hamilton Horn since there's a woman passing out Hamilton Horn papers at the fair for some reason. I probably shouldn't think about it too hard or I'll expose the delicate framework of contrivance needed to get certain plot points out of the way in the quickest manner. Lois needs a job at a paper and this is a good time to get that started! Plus it separates her from Clark and Jon so they can do some superheroing behind her back.

• Clark manages to restrain himself but he uses his powers to listen in on the ugly people's plan. Now he knows they'll be robbing the box office when the fireworks start so he can feign an attack of diarrhea and rush off to stop the crime without Lois being upset that he Supermanned without her permission.

Pshaw! That ribbon isn't blue!

• Clark meets the town pediatrician whom he'll never let near his son. That's probably going to be an awkward conversation. I suppose Clark can fall back on stupid religious beliefs as to why he doesn't give a shit about his kid's health.

• And then it's time for the fireworks!

Ha! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

• Clark makes it back in time to ride the coaster with his wife and son but his diarrhea cover is blown when the kids running the ride leave the microphone on as they talk about the guy with heat vision who stopped the ticket booth robbery. Lois acts like she's mad but I'm sure her labia majora are fully swollen. Unless Labia Majora is a character from Final Fantasy. I'm not that good with women's anatomy!

The Ranking!
+3! Now this was a Superman story! Hooboy, this is how a Superman story should be written! Save the big end of the world bullshit for Justice League. Make Superman about how he lies to Lois and his son so that he can fight crime without being scolded or whined at! Plus this is simply how you do a Superman story. You don't need an opponent who punches hard enough for Superman to say "Hey! I felt that!" You just need a B Story that interferes with Superman's ability to bring the A Story to an easy conclusion! This is fucking textbook, man! And it's far better than Superman pummeling a space beast for ten out of the twenty pages where he wins out in the end by thinking, "I just have to believe I can!" Then his punches get better and he wins! Fuck that shit. I like stories where Superman can easily defeat the antagonist because, you know, he's FUCKING SUPERMAN! So the actual conflict needs to come from another source. I suppose occasionally he can fight a Doomsday or something. But even then, make him use his fucking head more often than simply beating the shit out of the thing. Fucking loved this story! Bees knees! Triple Plus Good!

But I haven't forgotten that Peter J. Tomasi and Patick Gleason are fucking cat murderers. Bastards.

Superman #3

I didn't realize Kenneth Rocafort could draw actual geometric shapes.

The Commentary!
I fear that no matter how well Tomasi and Gleason handle Superman, I'm just never going to forgive them for killing Goldie. It's like when you're dating somebody and they have sex with somebody else and you're all, "But I trusted you! Now you've lost my trust!" And then they're all, "Who are you?" It just makes me so mad! And now that Goldie has had a proper burial and Lois and Clark have apparently forgiven Jon for murdering the family pet, I'm afraid Tomasi and Gleason won't ever mention it again! I hope Damian finds out Jon killed Goldie so that Damian can look down his nose at him. Damian can take out my anger on Jon by saying things like "Alfred Pennyworth the Cat is just the best! Aren't cats the best? Do you have a non-dead cat, Jon?" Or maybe Damian can be all, "I have a dog too! I see you have a dog! Some people think dogs are better than cats and probably wouldn't care that much if their cat died but would think the world was ending if their dog died. You and your parents aren't assholes like that, are you guys, Jon?" Or maybe Damian can just give Jon another concussion and call him a fucking cat killing cunt.

For those keeping score, I still hate Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason! That isn't a criticism of their writing though! They're mostly pretty good at that when their stories aren't revolving around the death of a beloved family pet.

Last issue, the Smith family discovered that their son Jon could suffer from concussions. Clark probably implied that it was caused by Lois's weak genes and then Lois was all, "Well at least he doesn't suffer from severe Kryptonite allergies that could kill him because of me!" This issue, they've taken a trip up to the Fortress of Solitude to run tests on Jon. While there, Superman discovers a strange person in a Superman outfit petting Krypto. So Superman says, "Hi! You must be a guest of Supergirl's since Superman left this place to her! I'm her cousin...sort of...and I've come to use some of her gadgets. My name is Clark. What's your?" No! Just kidding! Superman punches the guy in the face!

If somebody was punching me in the face because I looked like somebody who made them that angry, I'd probably deny being that person in the hopes that they would stop.

The Eradicator is claiming that he can save Krypton which is as bad an argument to get Superman to stop punching him as claiming that he is, indeed, the Eradicator. Krypton is gone, man! Let it go! Remember the last time somebody tried to bring Krypton back? You're lucky if you don't because it was a story by Scott Lobdell and it was awful. Pointing out a story by Scott Lobdell is awful probably isn't necessary but I just want to be absolutely clear that Scott Lobdell can't write worth shit. But at least he didn't kill Goldie.

During the fight, Eradicator finally does something that doesn't make Superman more suspicious: he saves Lois and Jon from the shoddy workmanship of the Fortress of Solitude. This is so cliché that I really wish Cat Murderer would have gone with my initial suggestion of having Superman greet Eradicator as if he's a friend of Supergirl's. He knows he's on another Earth and he has experience with dealing with people from other Earths. So why would he automatically assume that somebody who was an asshole on his Earth has to be an asshole on this Earth? Look at this Earth's Superman: total asshole! But Preboot Superman wasn't one at all. Well, at least not until now! Now he's got a case of punch-first-ask-questions-lateritis! Besides, Krypto seemed cool with him when they entered. Doesn't Superman trust his own dog? I mean, a version of his own dog!

After the Kryptonian technology tells Clark and Lois what they already knew from observation--that Jon's body is vacillating from vulnerable to invulnerable--Superman begins the questioning portion of his disease. The line of questioning leads to the discovery that Eradicator is now all about eugenics. He's trying to recreate the perfect race. One way is to have Superman and Supergirl fuck but since they're first cousins, that could lead to all kinds of genetic abnormalities by strengthening recessive genes when what Eradicator wants is strong Kryptonians. So he decides another way to make the master race would be better: obliterate the human DNA from Jon's body without parental consent. The first step of cleansing Jon is to ingest him. Sounds like the bylaws at a NAMBLA convention. During the ingestion process, Cat Murderer and his co-writer, Other Cat Murderer, decide to double down on their dead pet plot points.

Fucking dicks!

Now, I know Krypto isn't really dead. I mean, I'm pretty sure Krypto isn't really dead. Eradicator was just sucking Jon into him so he could digest the human DNA before spitting Jon back out. Plus, I think Eradicator's mouth is just a portal to the Phantom Zone. So Krypto is just back on familiar territory. He won't be too freaked out because I'm sure a good portion of the Phantom Zone has been marked by his piss.

Superman decides it might be time to go back to the punching part of his sickness since the questions asking part was a huge failure. While a probably confused Eradicator gets beaten to a pulp, Jon sheds more tears for Krypto than he ever shed for Goldie. What a cat killing dick. He also picks up Krypto's cape because it just happens to be a size 8y.

The Review!
What kind of review do you expect me to give this comic book?! It's all about killing pets! Is Tomasi on horse tranquilizers?! What the fuck is wrong with him?! Now I've got to go out and register DogsinRefrigerators.com and PetsinRefrigerators.com to go along with KittensinRefrigerators.com. Should I just go ahead and prepare for the future by getting GerbilsinRefrigerators.com and HamstersinRefrigerators.com and ChinchillasinRefrigerators.com and GuineaPigsinRefrigerators.com and BunniesinRefrigerators.com too?! Who is going to continue to read a book about pets dying?! If I wanted to read about pets dying, I would log in to Facebook on a daily basis! Did Tomasi lose a bet with Geoff Johns? Was Tomasi's punishment to write stories that anybody with a heart would completely hate?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #29

DC has finally read my letters and listened to my suggestion to turn this book into Supergirl Loves Wonder Woman (And Pegs Her Too!).

The Review!
A lot of this Final Days of Superman story has been padding to extend the story until Rebirth. I guess this is the last of that padding since Superman and Impostor Superman are finally battling their final battle. I don't think there are enough pages to deal with Chinese Superman, so he'll probably be an issue sometime in Rebirth. Hopefully he'll get his own comic book and it will all be in Chinese. That way I can make up everything that's being said and write my own Narration Boxes for it. I'll definitely make it extremely pervy.

The Commentary!
This issue is called "Fire Line". I liked it better when it was called "Burning Love" and was about Supergirl and Wonder Woman. Remember how Supergirl used to masturbate with her Kryptonian Sun Crystals in the early issues of her comic book? Oh yeah. Those were good times. Should we reminisce a little more? Let's have a flashback picture!

Oh yeah! That's good comic book!

At the end of Action Comics #52, Impostor Superman was about to be declined membership of the Justice League. This issue will probably revolve around the declining. And by declining I mean punching. Lots and lots of punching. I figure Impostor Superman should probably be defeated this issue so that Superman can spend the entire time dying in Superman #52.

While New 52 Superman and Wonder Woman battle Impostor Superman, Preboot Superman, his wife, his son, his cat, and his dog are off to find a place where they can be safe from Impostor Superman.

Hmm. I guess Ranger and the Unnamed Cat were dropped to their deaths.

The family sans pets wind up in Clark's Fortress of Secrets. I don't think he's allowed to call it the Fortress of Solitude since that's Kara's place now. Clark decides it's finally time to tell Jon his family history.

What the fuck kind of stupid advert is this, DC? Is Rebirth aimed at the asshole demographic?

Impostor Superman manages to defeat Wonder Woman and Superman. He kidnaps Superman and flies off to murder him. But Supergirl has heard the news that her cousin is getting his ass kicked, so she's on her way to save the day.

I didn't mention Batman at all because his job was babysitting Lois Lane.

Earth 2: Society #7

Where does your dick go when you fuck a Mother Box?

I know that's not a Motherbox! What kind of a sorry excuse for a comic book nerd do you take me for? Jimmy has obviously invented the Earth-Too Rubik's Cube.

Is this Wilson's final issue of Earth-2: Society? For his sake, he'd better hope so because I'm getting super pissed at having to read his boring fucking bullshit. I'm so angry that I have to read this! It doesn't help that I spent all day yesterday sick from either having ingested milk with my Superman cereal or allergic to something in the air or simply had a fucking migraine from getting very little sleep while stupid Tim and his stupid fucking assistant rebuilt the kitchen. Fucking noisy cocksuckers.

Every time I call somebody a cocksucker, I immediately think, "Why is that an insult?! People who suck cocks should be lauded and praised!" Even though it sounds so good being yelled at somebody (probably because of the double hard "K" sound (or is that what makes it funny?)), I should probably stop using it as an insult. I wonder if I've ever actually called somebody a cocksucker in anger in real life? I highly doubt it. I think the only thing I've ever called somebody in anger was motherfucker because the worst thing I can imagine putting them through is fucking my mother. But cocksucker? That's the kind of thing you call your friend when he shoots down all of your bombers in Axis and Allies.

Oh! Oh! Get how this issue opens! It's fucking Melville on toast!

Please fucking indulge them! For god's sake, be interesting!

Green Lantern continues his thought about how he's the heart of this new planet which screams out for protection. No it doesn't. Get your own dick out of your mouth and try thinking about the planet from its own point of view. Oh wait. It's a planet. It doesn't have one. It's just a hunk of rock which you transformed into a hunk of rock with green shit clinging to it. What does it really matter if Jimmy Olsen transforms the planet back into a replica of Earth-2? It harms nobody but your own ego, Green Lantern. It's as if somebody took a child's drawing and sprayed white out all over it so they could draw something more comprehensible upon it. Okay, so that sounds like a bit of a dick move but it doesn't matter in the long run and the kid probably won't remember especially after you soothe it with a bowl of ice cream and as much Sponge Bob as it can stand.

Well, at least he's being honest with himself. "The continents of my soul." Christ, Green Lantern, who do you think you are? The Walt Whitman of Earth-Too?

Huntress and Red Arrow are helping Jimmy Olsen transform the world back into home. For some reason, they believe they can trust him. But I have a feeling that putting his dick in Batdad's Earth-2 back-up cube will have repercussions of a disgusting nature.

The battle that was taking place in Erebus City wraps up because they're needed in New Gotham. Doctor Impossible's delaying tactic didn't get him as long a delay as he'd have liked but I guess that's what happens when your delay tactic is a guy on drugs, a girl who doesn't want to do the dishes, and a ugly emo guy. It seems Jimmy Olsen isn't as smart as he thinks he is pitting that group against The Flash and Superman. Also Batdick but, really, who cares about Batdick when you've got Flash and Superman? Aside from DC Comics' accountant.

Even though Superman keeps harping on about how they don't have time to battle Hourman, once they get to New Gotham to help, he decides to have that conversation with Kara he's been putting off for a year.

And, of course, she still believes the stupid bullshit she was told by horrible people. Although it's stuff which should make her feel sympathy for Val instead of anger but sympathy doesn't play well in comic books. Why can't sympathy cause more punching?

Red Tornado flies in to help because she's important to the story too for some reason. This must be the big finale since everybody is gathering together in New Gotham. Except for Hawkcop. Maybe she'll fly in at the end with the cavalry. Although that would mean this is only part one of a two part finale. So forget Hawkcop. I'm going to hope she's lost in the jungle still searching for the missing ship.

As the Genesis Machine begins to transform Earth-Too into, presumably, New New Genesis, The Huntress begins to realize something is wrong. She and Red Arrow instantly switch sides and ask that everybody forgive them for having horrifically bad judgment.

The battle could be over in just a few seconds if Power Girl and Superman would stop fighting. They must have been told to back off for a bit because the comic book needed to be twenty pages long.

Oh good. They worked out their problems while their friends were getting their asses handed to them. How nice.

The biggest problem with comic book tropes is how fans accept and embrace them. "Well, what do you expect? That's comic books!" As if the way a comic book story should be told was handed down by god on high and we just have to accept them. With all due respect to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, they aren't gods. We, as humans, have the power to change how comic book stories are told! Heroes don't have to constantly fight other heroes! Or, if one of them in particular usually acts that way, maybe the others should shun that hero? Like how nobody ever liked having Guy Gardner on the team because he was a complete tool. Or maybe they should learn to hash out their problems in private instead of waiting until the world is in danger to work through their issues with each other?

Working together like a society who promotes justice, the heroes manage to destroy Batdad's Back-up Drive and imprison Newest God James Olsen in Green Lantern light. All of the normal people standing around watching instead of running for cover high five each other and point and ask for autographs.

So incarcerating a person forever by the heroes own whim is justice? Is there some kind of law against terraforming this world? If so, how come Green Lantern wasn't arrested?

Who needs law when you have superheroes who know they're fighting for right and justice? Obviously the populace has nothing to fear because they wouldn't be called heroes if they didn't have a finely tuned sense of ethics! I'd be more comfortable allowing heroes to incarcerate supervillains without any trials if they would treat other "heroes" as supervillains when the other "heroes" did shit that endangered the public. Like maybe throw those Teen Titans in juvie for a bit. That'd go a long way to earn a bit of my trust back.

Earth 2: Society #7 Rating: No change. Oh shit! How many issues of Earth-2 (including World's End) have we had to endure without a Justice Society? About five million, I think?! It looks like they might finally be forming their little Justice League! Although judging by the way things have been going in this alternate universe, somebody is going to begin bickering with somebody else and they'll all get pissed off and go back to living in separate cities with their grudges for roommates.

Earth 2: Society #6

Calling Anarky "evil" seems a bit over the top. She just has a different opinion on how life should be lived. One with which I don't completely disagree.

I'm pretty sure the Anarky of Earth-Too is female no matter how non-female the Anarky on the cover looks. But then, it's not Anarky's responsibility to proclaim her gender through appearance. Although if she's the kind of person who gets offended when somebody misgenders her by using the wrong pronoun then she can just completely fuck off. Sometimes people don't use the correct pronoun. Who can blame anybody when everybody is trying to look as androgynous as possible! You'd think being accidentally misgendered would be a fucking compliment nowadays! And it's really strange that the most important piece of information on a person's Tumblr is their pronouns yet they risk going out into public without a button or pin stuck to their chest informing everyone they meet of this fact. Although I did once see one young person with a "He/His" button on his backpack that enabled me to type this sentence with the utmost confidence that he wanted to be called he within it.

Look, young people. We know it's cool and trendy to be all-the-sexuals or none-of-the-sexuals but definitely not the regular-old-vanilla-sexuals. And it's hip and groovy to be all-the-genders or none-of-the-genders or some-new-genders-that-haven't-been-thought-up-yet because it makes you interesting and cutting edge and not your parents. Fine. Whatever. Go to town! But don't think you're any different than every other generation of young people all striving to be cool and trendy in whatever was cool and trendy for the time. Also stay off my fucking lawn. If I wanted it to be full of glitter and squees, I'd let strippers wrestle on it.

The worst thing about youth is that it's a standing wave. There are always young people who think they're the first people to ever be young. They're the first people to ever think of an idea. They're the first people who really want to change the world. They're the first people whose parents don't understand them. It's a constant equation. But it's a constant equation with constantly changing variables which quickly don't include you. As you move away from it, you see how it never really changes in any substantive manner. The youths currently in the wave think they're rocking the fucking world. But just wait. The further and further you move from it, the more times you see the faces and style of that wave change but nothing that really matters. And then you just get tired of hearing how the youth know better than everybody else as they point out everything that's already been said and done before.

Tonight I just watched a very special Christmas episode of The Love Boat from around 1986. Peter Scolari (Commissioner Loeb from Gotham for the kids) mentions how when he was younger, his sister had a story book about a princess who went around saving princes and knights in distress. See, Youths? You didn't think of that. That's not your revolutionary idea. Although it would be something you'd be amazed to hear, turn into a gif set, and then proclaim, "Guys! This was in 1986!" As if everybody in the 20th Century was just dripping in cholera as they waded through streets full of feces decrying anybody who would stand against the Patriarchy. Of course it wasn't like that! There were packs of rabid stray dogs everywhere as well.

I'm glad I'm behind a paywall now so I don't have to listen to youths screech at me for opinions they might remember when they eventually hit forty and think to themselves, "Oh yeah. Got it."

Last issue, Batdick, The Flash, and Superman saved Neotropolis from being crushed by the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5, Commander Sato's ship. They realized that the villain behind it was The Newest God Jim Olsen who now calls himself Doctor Impossible so I can stop typing the awkward phrase "The Newest God." They've gone to stop him in his home: the evil city of Erebus which you can tell is evil because it was named Erebus. Doctor Impossible isn't the subtlest guy on the block. But luckily all of the heroes have been caught up in a lot of drama over the past year, so nobody had the passing thought, "Erebus? Really? What the fuck might be going on over there?!"

Doctor Impossible has a few teammates. Johnny Sorrow. Anarky. And a new guy who isn't really new but has yet another new version of himself.

Instead of being a drug addict who gets sort of strong for an hour after taking a pill, the new Hourman becomes a god for an hour after sacrificing a goat.

No, I was wrong. Hourman's just another junkie hopped up on Miraclo.

Doctor Impossible uses Hourman to distract the super friends while he gets away to go see "an old friend." That's when the story flashes back to the origin of Earth-Too Hourman. He's basically the son of the original Hourman, Rex Tyler. So this is the Infinity Inc. Rick Tyler Son of Hourman Hourman.

After the flashback is over, Doctor Impossible visits with Helena Wayne to recruit her to his side. He just wants Earth-2 back instead of having to live on Green Lantern's Earth-Too. So the "evil" side simply wants to try to rebuild their planet at the cost of destroying the Earth-Too created out of the head of Green Lantern. How about they compromise and give Doctor Impossible and his group the evil bottom half of Earth-Too while everybody else can remain on the good top half! I'm sure Green Lantern can move all life into the Northern Hemisphere and then build a big green wall around the equator so that the Southern Hemisphere can be terraformed. It totally sounds like the kind of thing that happens in comic books all of the time! It's certainly no worse an idea than Gotham's Underground!

Earth 2: Society #6 Rating: No change. Hey! Guess what has been a bad idea in this comic book before and continues to be a bad idea? Setting Huntress and Power Girl against each other! Because who doesn't have just the worst memories of their friendship in Worlds' Finest, right? What an awfully joyous and chipper that relationship was! Pee-yuke! So many hugs and laughs and good times! What a wretched idea! But now it's being fixed by putting them at odds against each other. Well done, comic book and writer and editor. Good show! I hate you all.

Earth 2: Society #5

These beers must be from the eighties when jagged, purple-pink font was way extreme.

Last issue, Batdick got all up in Val-el's face and accused him of murder. I hope "getting up in one's face" is the appropriate slang term for what I want to say and not a sex move. If it's a sex move then people reading this critique of Earth 2: Society #5 are going to think it's much more enjoyable than it really is. They may have already switched over to Comixology to buy it based on the apparent face fucking that took place last issue. While they're there, they're probably also picking up the free comic book, "The Colonel of Two Worlds." I bet that shit is riveting!

Oh, um, anyway, Batdick, Val-el, and The Flash got into a bit of a scuffle. Eventually Batdick calmed down and magnanimously decided to believe that Val-el was too heartbroken to kill Terry Sloan. And it was right about then that the world government ship, The Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5, came barreling out of the sky headed for Power Girls' home city of Neotropolis!

Excuse me? When did you assholes become a team? Was there an Issue #4.5 that I missed?!

Batdick is saying "There's nothing you can do" to The Flash in that page I scanned up there. Hey, Batdick! Guess what? There's nothing you can do either! Are you going to hook the ship with your Dickgrapple and swing it to safety? How many exploding Dickarangs will you have to throw to get it to change course? Oh wait! I know what you can do! You can apologize for being a complete prick to Val-el and ask him to please keep the ship from crashing into the Earth. Oh wait! You can't do that either because it's a red sun morning! I suppose you can begin thinking up a speech honoring all the people of Neotropolis who are about to die.

The Flash has this really great joke he says while on the Batwing as they're approaching the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5. He says, "I think you're confused, Superman. Dying while near each other isn't the same thing as being on a team." Ha ha! Such a good response to Val-el saying, "We're a team!" Although his timing is a little off being that Val-el said that back on land and before the conversation had moved on to how they were going to save Neotropolis. I suppose his Speed Powers fuck with his sense of timing. Or, even taking into account his Super Speed of Thought, it took him that long to come up with a witty remark.

The Batwing lands on the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5 and Commander Sato greets them in the hanger. I guess everybody on board the ship is immune to the gravitational forces, the inertia, or the momentum (whichever one would make it so that Commander Sato was not standing around screaming "We need somebody fast! Is anybody fast with you?!" and instead would be smashed against the inner hull) because Commander Sato greets the heroes and screams, "We need somebody fast! Is anybody fast with you?!" The Flash responds with "Why are you all looking at me?" A-ha! I see why his joke came so late and why he doesn't respond appropriately to Sato's cry for help! All of his super accelerating has smashed his brain against the inside of his skull one or more too many times! The jerk has brain damage!

Severe brain damage, apparently. He needs Val-el and Batdick to explain why they shouldn't be the ones to run fast?!

The Flash decides to have a flashback to one year ago when everybody was building cities all over Earth-Too. He helps long enough to realize that he probably shouldn't be living with his mother anymore. A few months later, he runs into Hawkcop who tells him how one of the ships that went down hasn't been turned into a city because nobody can find it. She needs his help because he can check everywhere on Earth-Too in just a few minutes. Although from his perspective, it'll probably feel like decades. But nobody ever fucking cares how toilsome things seem from The Flash's perspective. Just do the job quickly and stop whining!

The Flash is just a nineteen year old kid who is suddenly acting like a nineteen year old kid. If you're familiar with him from those other comic books I don't recommend anybody ever read, Earth-2 and World's End, then you might have forgotten that he's young, immature, and not very responsible. Mostly because he wasn't written that way but partially because you probably forgot that he wasn't written that way. Now he's into drinking and partying and not helping people because work is for adults and suckers! Somehow the alcohol on Earth-Too is strong enough to not be super metabolized by The Flash, so he gets so drunk that he misses meeting up with Hawkcop in the morning. He's such a failure!

Remember how everybody on Earth-You suck at being reasonable adults and mostly just act like terrified, ignorant idiots? Well, the people of Earth-Too aren't any better. When they see a superhero who isn't a robot (they react like the people of Earth-You when they encounter a robot because robots are fucking creepy, man), they mob him and insist that they help him solve their problems.

"There's too many of you! Don't push me! There's too little of me! Don't crowd me! Help yourselves!"

Newest God Jimmy Olsen appears to help Flash out of his predicament. They wind up in Erebus which is also known as Shadowtown. It's a city where Jimmy rules as a God. He wants Flash to join him for some reason which might have to do with putting a wiener into a butthole since I can't think of anything else Newest God Jim can't get for himself with his godly powers. But The Flash gets shy and nervous and runs away instead of accepting Newest God Jim's offer.

The Flash stops remembering things and believes he might have an idea on how to save the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5. It's the kind of idea that BatDick should have thought up but he didn't. He probably knew that he should keep his Dickmouth shut and let The Flash build up some confidence by saving the day himself. Val-el strips Batdick of his Dickarmor and puts it on The Flash instead. Now The Flash is both strong enough and fast enough to save the day! Which he does! And while he saves the day, Batdick figures out who the real enemy is. It's not Terry Sloan because he died, remember? No, it's Newest God Jim Olsen!

Earth 2: Society #5 Rating: No change. So far, Green Lantern terraformed the planet they're on to make it look like Earth-2. But that wasn't good enough for The Huntress and Red Arrow, so they were going to terraform the world to be exactly like Earth-2 which would kill all of the life Green Lantern had just created. That was bad for some reason. But it didn't matter because Terry Sloan stole the Source Vault, reprogrammed it, and was about to terraform the world into an Earth-2 that was favorable to him! But he was killed, so Green Lantern's Earth was safe! Until now! Because Newest God Jim Olsen's plan is to terraform the Earth in his image, killing everything and everybody that doesn't worship him! I think somebody just needs to destroy this Source Vault already or else Earth-Too is going to be constantly on the brink of destruction as one person or the next steals the Source Vault so they can remake the world to their advantage. That probably won't happen until every character has gotten a chance to have a flashback issue though. I'm having a tough time deciding what's so interesting about this comic book which is why this was just a summation of events so far as opposed to a superb philosophical essay on whatever the major themes of this comic book are. The ethics of terraforming? The corrupting influence of power? Oedipal attractions within the brain damaged minds of super speedsters? How violence trumps pacifism in mainstream superhero comic books? The misogynistic reflections of the patriarchy through the view of the boob window?

Earth 2: Society #4

Yay! A comic book issue about a pacifist!

This episode of Lost focuses on Val-zod. Since Kara is currently upset with him, my guess is the flashbacks will be heavy on the infidelity.

"Kara's vagina. Not Kara's vagina. What's the big deal?!"

What is Daniel H. Wilson's hard-on for this whole creation and destruction are two sides of the same stupid philosophy?! Didn't the Terry Sloan issue focus on this shit too? Goddammit. Am I being tricked into reading one of those stories where the story is a defense for itself?! Is Daniel H. Wilson not confident enough to just tear apart the history of Earth 2 so he has to explain to the reader how he couldn't help destroying that history in his effort to create something new and kind of boring? Maybe I'm being overly sensitive about this but after Snyder wasted a few issues of Batman trying to convince his readers to trust the whole Commissioner Batman thing, and the way Marguerite Bennett spent half of the Lobo Villains Issue telling the reader to suck her nuts because Twat Lobo is what they're getting and they're going to fucking like it, I can't help but feel I'm in for more of the same. It's also possible my cynicism is currently set to "Way Too Fucking Sensitive" and this is just Wilson's way of comparing Sloan and Val-Zod. See, Sloan is the destroyer who thinks he's creating and Val-Zod is creating with the realization that he's coming dangerously close to simply destroying. Or something. I just hope the adultery happens soon.

Val-Zod has created a city called Crossroads where misfits and factory defect toys live. The Flash has come for a visit because he probably realizes his desire to bone his mom means he should live far away from Midwest City. Batdick has also stopped by but he's just here to arrest Val-Zod for killing Terry Sloan. I don't think that was really Val-zod's fault since Val-zod is a pacifist. Or at least he was. I think that whole pacifist thing was forgotten three issues into Val-zod's existence. Now he's just black Superman who does all the same stupid shit that white Superman does. I had such high hopes for a Superman who solved problems with his brains and occasionally his penis.

Wow. Batdick has grown up to become a real cop! *tears of joy*

A brand new Earth 2 in a brand new galaxy and nothing fucking changes. Some guy is murdered and the black guy gets blamed. Good job, Grayson! You're an embarrassment to your Earth-You counterpart!

The Flash keeps Batman from beating on Val-Zod long enough for Val-Zod to believe Batdick actually deserves to have things explained to his violent ass. I guess that helps the readers so I don't mind. Explicate away, Superman! Don't be stingy on the graphic details of the probably violent sex with your mistress!

Superman's flashback is about how he and Kara fell in love and how even when the two of them are drawn really small, Jimenez has to highlight the gap between Kara's legs. Hey, comic book artists. Women's thighs actually do fucking touch. It's a condition known as "not starving."

Superman also repeats the thing about creating and destroying being two ingredients in the recipe of shitty philosophy.

The story also has an antagonist!

Oh! Anarky is female! Do I smell infidelity?!

I just realized you can't spell pacifist without "ass" and "fist". That probably means something sexy, right? Or just painful?

Sloan blasts the area where Anarky was with a laser from space and knocks out a bunch of civilians while missing Anarky. The Sandmen arrive to maintain order and Superman punches one of them in the face. So, yeah, I guess I should just give up on the whole pacifism thing. It was a nice thought to have a Superman who refused to resort to violence because he couldn't be killed by anything attacking him anyway, so why does he have to lower himself to their level? Instead, Val-Zod is just another Superman with violent outbursts who loses his powers occasionally due to the red sun in binary orbit with a yellow sun at the center of their new solar system. I guess destroying to create doesn't really specify anything about innovation and imagination.

Power Girl and Superman use one of the Sandmen's teleporters to transport themselves to Sloan's ship, the Overwatch-One. Could he come up with a more fascist name than that? Maybe the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-Five?

And then Superman gets to the part of the story where Power Girl finds out he lied to her about something that could only hurt her if she found out about it and so now she hates him forever for lying. I've said how idiotic this is before and I'll keep saying it because writers keep writing it but this whole false drama due to somebody keeping something hidden from somebody else is the laziest shit a writer can pull. Unless, of course, it's actually accurate to the way the majority of people act in their own personal relationships. Can that be true? Are most people this petty? Are most people constantly looking for any crack or flaw or sign of weakness in a person they love so that they can lord it over them and feel self-righteous in their anger and indignation?! Is our world actually just full of children who look like adults? Fuck me. No wonder I hate leaving my house.

Basically Superman's explanation to Batdick about why he's innocent of killing Terry Sloan just sounds like more reasons why he probably killed Terry Sloan. The idiot fell for the trap! Never fucking talk to the police, no matter how innocent you know you are! They'll only hear the bits of what you tell them that confirm their initial beliefs! See, police are just as dumb as everybody else. And most people are really fucking dumb. Nearly all of them. Probably 98% of you reading this are just complete morons. It's just a simple fact!

Hey Batdick! Do you know where your kid is? Ha ha!

It's nearly the last page when I realize the city isn't called Crossroads at all. It's called Nexus. Way to make that fucking clear at the beginning, Wilson!

The issue ends with Batdick getting a message from Mister Terrific about how the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-Five has been hacked and is plummeting into New Earth 2's atmosphere and headed straight for Neotropolis! I don't know why Mister Terrific called Batdick. What is he going to do? Throw a Dickarang at it?

Earth 2: Society #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm not super excited about raising this comic book up the rankings but this issue, at the very least, held my interest much more than the others. So what if I can't stand Power Girl's bullshit motivation for suddenly hating Superman? It's not like that same motivation has ever been able to stop me watching three seasons of Arrow! Anyway, I'm sure Sloan has faked his death and is working with Anarky because isn't that the way governments truly control their people? By infiltrating rebellious and dissenting organizations and steering them toward acts which will cause the public to clamor for more governmental controls?! So that's kind of interesting. Although it's still only the type of interesting that's made up in my head and not the kind of interesting that Daniel H. Wilson has put into this comic. I'm just trusting that he'll do the right thing and write the story how I would write it. That means a lot more sex and drugs and kittens riding raccoons riding goats.