Metal Men #1

I only purchased this series so I could discuss how Doc Magnus loves shoving his responsometers up his ass.

Doc Magnus is gay, right? I'm not suggesting that gay people love to shove sentient spheres up their asses! That's just a Will Magnus kink. I'm just asking because I don't know that it's ever been verified canonically although all DC readers know he must be. Platinum has been trying to fuck him for decades and he's always responding, "No time, no time! This pipe won't smoke itself!" Plus, he had the opportunity to build five sexy female robots and one gay one that he'd constantly have to fight off but instead he did the opposite. Plus he's dapper and even though that's probably a stereotype that gay men are better dressers than straight men, I have to admit that I'm not dapper at all. And I would have sex with Platinum in a heartbeat! That doesn't mean it would take a heartbeat for me to consent to having sex with her. It means I would blow my load in a heartbeat if she consented to have sex with me. And, yes, I know she's a robot. And a fictional character. And a drawing. I'm just a very sexual being who isn't embarrassed to say, "I would totally fuck a cartoon character. Especially one named Erin Esurance or Shego."

I just recently reread the Metal Men series from 1993, which was only four issues, and I don't remember being blown away by it. So why did I pick up this one that's going to go for twelve issues and written by Dan DiDio? If I had a therapist, we'd spend a few sessions on why I do so many things that make me hate myself.

Dan DiDio. Di "D" io. Dan DiDDDDDDDDio.

He's talking to the responsometer shoved up his ass.

If I had a conversation with something shoved up my ass, it would go like this: "Mmmm. MMMMM. Oh. OH! Mmmmmm. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm yeah."

Sorry about that mental image. Oh, you didn't have a mental image until I mentioned the mental image? Sorry about that too.

As I was waiting for the above panel to scan, I rewrote Eclipso: The Darkness Within in my head where it ended with Doc Magnus shoving the black diamond up his ass and Eclipso being destroyed.

Oh! I just remembered what the 1993 Metal Men series was about! It was how the Metal Men weren't actually robots but the souls of Doc Magnus's friends transferred into casings made up of different pure metals! Doc Magnus is a monster! And, again, not because he shoves responsometers up his ass. That's just his Goddamned kink.

Some scientists. These gears will never turn!

I should probably blame the artist for the terrible gear layout instead of Doc Magnus. But isn't every bit of visual representation in this book reflective of Doc and his Metal Men? Of course it is!

Doc Magnus is angry at having gotten so many awards for building the responsometer. I'm sure it has nothing to do with somebody leaking why they were really invented and what he does with them. He's ranting at a Metal Person that I don't recognize. She looks like some kind of maid or nurse or nanny from a 1940s cartoon. Except made of metal. Maybe her name is Nth.

Meanwhile in Challengers Mountain, some frackers drilled into a pit of liquid Nth Metal. It doesn't look anything like Doc's psychiatrist robot so maybe she's Palladium. Although she looks more like a Ruthenium.

Doc remembers telling the Metal Men where they came from and it has nothing to do with implanting the souls of his coworkers and friends into machines. Instead, each of the robot's emotions are derived from Magnus as he put a little bit of himself into each creation. Apparently the greatest part of him he implanted in them was his low self-esteem because every year or so, they rise up and question him about what they really are. Geez, Metal Men. You're fucking robots with a fairly sophisticated but not perfect artificial intelligence. How hard is that to understand?! I guess I can't know how hard it is for artificial intelligence to understand since my intelligence isn't artificial. I don't think. Oh man. Is it?! Where's my Doc Magnus in whose face I can scream, "WHAT AM I REALLY?! WHY AM I HERE?! WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING SUCH A SENSUALLY SENSITIVE PROSTATE?!"

Oh, the robot Doc is ranting to is named Nameless. Or not named at all. One of those. I think she should be Ruthenium.

The Nth Metal asks for Will Magnus by name so he puts Ruth back in the closet (she's just a soulless husk) and heads off to see a natural example of his total technological failings. And he seems so jovial about it!

Metal Men #1 Final Thoughts: I hope Ruth becomes an important character later. Maybe a responsometer, hastily discarded from Will's ass, will fall off the nightstand and land inside of her. Then she'll power up and have all the memories of everything Will ever said to her, all of his most terrible secrets and shames. Then she'll become his nemesis but instead of inventing new evil robots made out of the more evil elements (like Neon, Xenon, and Seaborgium), she'll just hire a bunch of henchmen wearing cardboard robot outfits. Man, this writing comic books thing is fucking easy.

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Metal Men!

I really don't care about the Metal Men part of this comic book.

Could it be true? Could it be that we...were too free?! Before I get on with my point, let me just start by saying I'm not suggesting we should corral stupid people and butcher them for their meat! I mean, that's probably going too far. But maybe we should consider demoting them to the level of urban wildlife, on par with squirrels, raccoons, and opossum? If a stupid person tries to make conversation with me in public, shouldn't I be allowed to swat them away with a broom while yelling, "Shoo! Shoo!" or "Oh my god it probably has rabies!"? I don't know how we can test the intelligence of everybody in the country to see who gets what rights but I think I have an idea! We seem to be okay with enacting laws that make it more difficult to vote, right? So how about each ballot comes inside a puzzle box that must be solved before the vote can be cast! This will limit the amount of dumb people who get to ruin a pretty good system. It might also accidentally send a few people to hell but I think Americans have shown that they'd totally be okay with that.

At first I thought maybe the voting booths could be inside of garbage cans to test people's intelligence but then we'd have a spate of raccoons voting. They might even win some districts. Before you know it, we'd have a bowl of cat food for president and a bird bath for vice-president. I mean, we sort of had that from 2001 to 2008, so I think the country would survive.

That's probably a good enough segue to begin discussing the Metal Men. I mean, I did mention garbage cans.

This issue begins with Chemo attacking the Metal Men and their new friends, the Other Metal Men.

This was written before the U.S. election. So I think there's a new bar for a worst day ever.

The Narrator of this comic book refers to the Metal Men as "our heroes." They're not my heroes! The Metal Men are the kind of characters people like when they're kids and then continue to like into adulthood simply for nostalgic reasons. I never liked them as a kid and so I'm not saddled with the nostalgia of having spent lonely Saturdays reading Metal Men comic books nursing the fat lip I got from trying to make a friend. Now that I'm almost mature, I certainly have no taste for these silly creatures. Although I do like Doc Magnus. He's sophisticated. He smokes a pipe and enjoys butt stuff! I don't do one of those things but I still admire him! He's so grown up and mature!

So the Metal Men (Not My Heroes!) are now battling Chemo. Do they always battle Chemo? Doesn't Chemo just look like a big container of Mountain Dew that was shaken too hard and possibly pissed in?

You can probably guess how I read this the first time.

Chemo burps green chowder all over the street as Doc Magnus and Doc Lace (who is also probably into butt stuff and smoking things) argue. Doc is all, "Did you do this?!" And Doc is all, "I did not!" And then Doc is all, "We should have this conversation later when our lives are not threatened!" And Doc is all, "Yeah!" And then Doc is all, "But did you do this?!" I don't have to explicate that anymore, do I? You can see why it's hilarious, right?

I just realized that this Doc Magnus is a younger, less dapper version of himself. Instead of smoking a pipe, he wears goggles. So I still only do one of the things this Doc Magnus does!

Chemo kills Silicon because nobody cared about a Metal Man made out of Silicon! It's possible Len Wein could have made one that people cared about. He could have worn a bow tie while trying to catch the eye of some angels to get his start-up going! He could have been all, "I'm an up and coming young go-getter who won't take no for an answer! I'm also willing to screw over my friends and associates to get an investment for my app! And when I say 'my app,' I mean the app I conned a bunch of other people into making who were all paid by the hour and didn't get a stake in the final product because it was my intellectual idea! And when I say 'my intellectual idea,' I mean the idea of my friends who didn't understand contract law and lost all of their rights to the project!" Man, I'm glad Silicon is dead! He was a total douche!

And then, in the middle of the battle, I find myself shocked. I'm not easily shocked either! That previous panel I scanned could have had a printing error that printed the way I read it anyway and I would have shrugged and gotten on with my life. But in the middle of the battle against Chemo, I find myself aghast! Agog! Amazed at what I'm seeing! And, if I'm honest, a little bit turned on!

Does Lead always masturbate during battle?

Before anybody decides they're going to explain what the picture above really is, just fucking relax and take a breath. Enjoy the absurdity of my fucking commentaries and stop trying to make sure everybody knows exactly what the fuck is going on at all times. You're being a patronizing twat. I commented on the cover of Scooby Apocalypse #4, "I think Shaggy's cock is hanging out." I said this because the artist drew Scooby's tongue exactly where Shaggy's cock would be if it were sticking out of his zipper. And the tongue looked exactly like a flaccid, uncircumcised cock! But some idiotic shit had to reply, "That's Scooby's tongue." Yeah, no shit, fucktwit! Relax! Chill out! Let people say things that are stupid and hilarious and make you see the world differently than maybe you might have seen it before. Especially when all that person seems to see are dicks.

Mother Machine reveals herself (I mean, re-reveals herself since I think, last issue, she already declared she needed to take action herself) and explains her plans to the reader. This is all because she wants a Responsometer! She describes a Responsometer as "a baseball-sized computer that allows the Metal Men to act independently of the Internet." That's what makes the Responsometer so special? That it works without being linked to the Internet?! That's hardly special! I thought what made the Responsometer so special was that it gave the robots sentience and emotions and that it also fits smoothly up one's rear end.

Back to the fight, Iron is rusted completely and dies. That's okay though because he can be rebooted later. It's also okay because I don't care about any of the Metal Men! They're a lot like Cyborg and Red Tornado and Robotman in that they usually wind up getting destroyed in the climactic battle. But their essence lives on in like a hard drive or tape cassette or something. So it doesn't really matter what happens to their bodies.

Platinum is killed and I sort of feel bad about that because I always liked the way she tried to fuck Superman in the old comic books I used to read on Saturday afternoons! And then Lithium dies as well. Now who's going to help lift everybody's spirits when the battle is over?!

After the military officer claims responsibility for this whole fiasco (it's always the military's fault! Just after the butler!), Gold declares that the Metal Men and the Other Metal Men must work together to stop Chemo. Hey! What a great idea! A team of heroes acting in concert and with a plan! I mean, the plan will probably be "Everybody rush Chemo at once!" which they did try earlier (although Lead stood by jerking off). But this is the end of the last issue! So it's different now! It'll work this time! Probably!

Aluminum dies almost immediately. Probably because everybody was pronouncing his name the American way and he was all, "But it's Al-loo-min-ium! It's All-loo-AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHH!" After Al, it's Gold's turn to die!

"--art, Lisa!"

Mercury dies immediately after Gold dies winning the bet that his last words would be a totally hilarious impersonation. I'm beginning to suspect that all of the Metal Men are going to die so that Mother Machine can pop in, take the Responsometer out of Chemo, and fuck off to wherever she's been hiding since she destroyed the Blackhawks.

Mother Machine isn't allowed to be the hero because Tin needs to be the hero. The most useless Metal Men of them all! Somehow none of the other metals were strong enough to pierce Chemo's outer shell. But Tin turns himself into a javelin and shoots straight through Chemo, removing the Responsometer as he passes through Chemo! Wow! I only thought tin was good for storing beans and wrapping up sandwiches for picnics before being replaced by aluminum!

Doc Magnus picks up Chemo's Responsometer and is about to do what he always does with Responsometers before he's interrupted.

Doc, you should probably wash Chemo off of that before you shove it up there.

Mother Machine is sucked into Chemo's Responsometer because that's how they work? Or something? Doc Magnus decides it's safe to just give the Mother Machine Responsometer to the military and head home. That should work out well! Once he's home, he revives his Metal Men the way he always does after they're slaughtered in the final battle. He's not able to save most of the Other Metal Men. He only manages to keep Copper which is probably a good thing since the Metal Men had way too many dicks in it already. That's the good news! The bad news is that he decided to change their looks. He calls an upgrade but I call it Yeeeeeuuuuccch!

Mostly I hate this new look. But I do like the addition of a huge red penis to Gold.

The Review!
Why the fuck does DC keep thinking characters need cosmetic updates? I suppose I agree with them when they accidentally change a look for the better. But what is this unholy design they've chosen for the Metal Men? Somebody get Ann Nocenti on the phone so she can learn the actual definition of Uncanny Valley now! No wait! Don't rouse her! Let her sleep the sleep of the ages in whatever cave she's slouched on back to! Didn't they change the look of the Metal Men in the early 90s? In that mini-series with the shiny metallic cover on the first issue! I just read it in the last couple of years and I remember nothing about it! Why do I even bother doing things with my life when I can't retain any memory of the events?! I should just sit in front of the television playing Overwatch!

Legends of Tomorrow #5

Who glances at the cover of a $7.99 comic book and exclaims, "What?! Sugar and Spike! I have to blow my paycheck on this!"

I just need to get through this issue as quickly as possible. These four full issue compilations are breaking me! It's too much to comment on at one time! I suppose I could do each issue separately but then I'd just get depressed seeing this comic book on top of my stack for days as I work through every story. Instead, it's just getting quick reviews of each issue. Hey DC Comics?! I have a good idea! How about keeping the page count of every comic you sell down around twelve! That way I can do these commentaries much quicker and Jim Lee will be telling the truth when he says he can finish the art on a full comic in one month!

That wasn't fair to Jim Lee. He is currently doing twenty-four pages of art per month since Suicide Squad is biweekly. But have you seen his art in those? It's worse than it usually is! So many scribbles on everybody's faces! And he really could use some practice drawing fat people. You know how people say fat is beautiful just to sound like a kind and caring person who obviously isn't in touch with reality, or at least the aesthetic senses of people in the 21st Century? You know it's not true because 99% of all comic book artists couldn't draw a fat person at gunpoint. I don't mean the fat person would be drawn with a gun to their head! I mean the artist, being threatened with a gun to their head, couldn't draw a fat person well. Because they have no interest in drawing fat people. Because nobody has any interest in looking at fat people while reading a comic book. Remember how good Dial H was? Remember how it was cancelled after only twelve issues even though it was one of the best New 52 books? It starred a fat guy. So all of you who didn't support it? Fat shaming assholes. Probably.

I'm going to change the subject before I hurt my own feelings some more and make myself cry. I don't want to get tears in my gallon of ice cream. Although that's probably a favorite hipster flavor: Bone Marrow and Tears Ice Cream.

The Firestorm Review!
In this issue, Ronnie almost tells Jason that he loves him. He comes as close as the high school quarterback can come without completely destroying his reputation, since everybody knows the high school quarterback can't be a huge poofster. Who would fuck all of the cheerleaders?! It's an alternate reality too inconceivable to ponder for long. Anyway, Ronnie tells Jason that he needs him because Stein is old enough to be his dad. In other words, Firestorming it up with an old man is disgusting and Ronnie just wishes he could merge with Jason again. That's the main story. In the side story, Multiplex has turned on his Quantum Field Generator which, for most writers, is just another excuse for adding dinosaurs and monsters to the script. Because everybody knows that "quantum" is another word for "magic" since no writer wants to really research quantum physics and no reader would be able to understand the story if the writer truly understood quantum physics anyway! So instead, it's just a buzzword to make a lot of cool chaos that will lead to the end of the world because obviously, duh!

The Rankings!
You know what? I don't really need to add this book to my rankings. It's a relic from an old DC Universe and doesn't deserve to be in my Rebirth rankings. Even if those rankings contain a bunch of books that aren't Rebirth books, like Scooby Apocalypse and The Sheriff of Babylon.

The Metamorpho Review!
Sapphire's betrayal of Metamorpho last issue came from that place where people with good intentions get manipulated by evil people into doing bad things because it will supposedly make the world better. But the Orb of Ra tells Sapphire she's an idiot and she thinks, "Oh, I'm an idiot!" So she changes her mind about taking the Orb of Ra to her father. But she doesn't change her mind fast enough! Isn't that always the way?! Now she's lost Rex's trust and he leaves her to die alone for some reason. While Sapphire waits to die, she sees Java has come to this world too. She decides to follow him so she can warn Rex. But she doesn't follow him fast enough! Isn't that always the way?! So instead of warning Rex, she doesn't warn Rex at all! Java shoots Rex with his Metamorpho Power Stealing Gun while everybody stands around shocked. It's like they don't know that this is the final cliffhanger of the story! That's always when things look the worst! Except for Sapphire's ass. It still looks really good.

The Sugar & Spike Review!
Spike tells the story about how he and Sugar got into the business of dealing with super heroes embarrassing problems cropping up from the past. By the end of the issue, they own the Museum of Super Hero Oddities. They even have some choice pieces to add to it!

Cheeks!

The Metal Men Review!
The Metal Men have a bit of a dust up with the New Metal Men until the Metal Women get tired of their swinging dicks and put a stop to it. After that, Chemo shows up to destroy everybody! Also, Mother Machine decides she's tired of working from behind the scenes and unplugs herself so she can go do some real damage. She's a bit cocky. She may have been able to defeat The Blackhawks but the Metal Men are...well, they really aren't that much different, really. Kind of the same team make-up, y'know? She'll probably win. Mostly because Chemo should do the real work and kill about nine or ten of them before Mother Machine shows up.

Legends of Tomorrow #3

Gross. Mercury is like a goldfish dragging a turd around the bowl.

The Review!
Legends of Tomorrow is a throwback to DC's old super-sized anthology series. I guess DC is hoping fans of Firestorm, The Metal Men, or Metamorpho are willing to pay this kind of money to support a book with their favorite character in it. I am a fan of the idea although I think DC made a slight misstep. While this book works and the stories being told are probably better than average (or just average which in today's mainstream comic book climate sometimes seems better than average), I think they could really use one solid lead story featuring a character DC knows will sell. Yes, I'm actually proposing they shove a Harley Quinn story in this thing. Or, at least, this would have been the perfect vehicle for The Gang of Harleys story. I wonder how many more copies this would sell if they replaced one of the current stories with a Lobo story? And I'm not talking about Twat Lobo! I mean an old school, Alan Grantesque (or Keith Giffenesque, I suppose) Lobo story! I also think at least one of the four stories should always be a single issue story whose lead character gets rotated out for a different character each month. Just that kind of variety alone would probably bring in more people willing to give each month a new shot.

The Bullet Points!
This book is too long for a normal commentary! It gets bullet points or else I won't have time to eat today. Not that I need food! Thanks to a year of mourning and not caring about anything, I think I have enough Oreo energy inside of me to last a decade!

• Speaking of mourning, the grave of my cat and used-to-be-best-friend-until-he-ditched-me-for-the-comfort-of-eternal-nonexistence is in my backyard. I've turned Judas's grave into a statuary garden with a big wooden fish and a peace symbol made from beer caps inset into concrete and an angel from my Grandmother's house and a spooky human head and a rock with the Cheshire Cat on top of it and a Sailor Moon figure and a Sailor Mercury figure and a Chibi-Moon figure. Last weekend, the property manager sent a crew of assholes to do some yard work around the place. I would have sent professional landscapers but I guess assholes are cheaper. After they were done, I went outside to find all of the statues piled up in the center of the space as if a poltergeist had taken up residence there. Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury were nowhere to be found but judging by the dismembered pieces of Chibi-Moon I discovered, it didn't take Columbo to figure out what happened to them. Who the fuck does yard work and decides not to give any fucks about what is obviously a purposeful installation and not just a load of garbage lying in the dirt? Besides, I keep Judy's grave nice and neat, so they didn't even need to bother with that patch of ground! Luckily for them, I find it more amusing than anger-inducing that such unrepentant douchéstorks live in this world and just replaced the lost figures with another Sailor Moon figure, a Xena Warrior Princess figure, and Jigglypuff. I should probably dig around for more figures in preparation for next time!

Firestorm!
• When we last left Firestorm, I was thinking, "I don't care about Firestorm. Why did I pay $8 for this book?"

• Martin Stein and Ronnie Raymond are once again Firestorm. Fans of old things and nothing changing cheer while they pull their cocks and vaginas and lighter-fluid-covered crosses out in preparation for the return of their apparent savior, White Wally West.

• The Firestorm story is called "United We Fall" because isn't that clever. See how they turned the old adage inside out? You know what else I'd like to see turned inside out? A clown.

• The story begins with Firestorm battling Major Force. Major Force is a hero only by the most technical of definitions and only if you're an American and only if you're a warmonger. That sentence was a sentence I could never get away with if I changed Major Force to anybody in the military, even if the sentence would still be true.

• General Eiling wants to turn Firestorm into a weapon under his control so he made up some bullshit reason to bring Firestorm in. And since Firestorm knows it's bullshit and refuses to comply, Firestorm will now be arrested for the most bullshit reason of all: resisting arrest. That's just something some genius "peace" officer came up with to give them a reason for beating the shit out of anybody who doesn't respect them any time they want.

• Martin Stein and Ronnie Raymond learn to trust each other quickly because nobody wants to keep buying $8 anthology books to see them bicker month after month. Plus we've seen this before many times. If DC has decided they want old fashioned Firestorm back together for some reason, it's best to just get it over with quickly.

• Multiplex has decided that retaining a vendetta against Midnighter is bad for his peace of mind, so he's now venturing forth on a new project! That project is to break quantum entanglement so that every aspect of himself is a pure, unadulterated individual. That seems like a really stupid fucking idea. But then Multiplex seems like a shortsighted idiot, mostly based on his need to attack Midnighter more than once.

The Hollywood Theatre is not in downtown Portland. It's on the east side of the river, dumb dumbs.

• I used to actively avoid any movie at the Hollywood Theatre if I could help it (it plays independent and obscure films, so it can't totally be avoided if you're interested in movies that don't just string fifty scenes of explosions and bullets together) because it was always so fucking cold. I saw I Don't Know Jack there years ago, and handful of other movies since then. Just last year, I went back to see that documentary made by the brother of that guy in The National and the place has been completely refurbished. No more cold stone concrete floors and breezy everythings! Plus they have a pie window now! Although you have to pay for them. You can't just sneak up and steal them as they cool on the sill.

• Firestorm is captured by Eiling and Major Force. I guess this wasn't yet the issue where things turn around and the hero wins. Maybe next time?

Metamorpho!
• Last issue, Metamorpho and Sapphire Stagg were transported to another planet (or time (or dimension (or plane of existence))). This is a fitting thing to happen in a Metamorpho story because he's fucking weird. It's not a fitting thing to happen in an Aquaman story. I mean, I guess it's okay in an Aquaman story because everybody has huge boners and engorged labias over Ancient Astronauts. So why can't the people of Atlantis also be aliens from another planet! It totally makes sense! I mean, if you believe in fictional things and in things that make less sense than rational explanations of those things.

• This story is called "Brave New World." Sometimes, I fantasize about going back in time to stand over Shakespeare's shoulder as he writes The Tempest and say things like, "You sure you want to use that phrase? 'Brave New World'? Maybe something less likely that people will glom onto in the future? How about 'Check this shit and the weird people in it!'? No? Hey! Bill! You know how you're spending all this time agonizing over word choices and characterizations and stage directions? Guess what will be way more fucking popular than anything you ever write? Guess what more people will parody than your Romeo and Juliet balcony scene? You're totally going to lose your shit over this. Ready? 'Got milk.' Seriously. 'Got milk.' People go fucking nuts over that! Twenty years and people still fucking change the 'milk' part to whatever they're doing and believing they're fucking comedic geniuses! Sorry to bring you down, Bill. I like your shit. Keep up the good work!"

• I fucking hate people who add shit to Wikipedia. I looked up the "got milk?" campaign just to see how old it was. And just because I love to wind myself up and ensure that one day I'll die of a stroke, I scrolled down to read the "Parody and References" section. At first I thought, "Well, there's not enough room on the internet for that shit!" But there were only four examples, probably because "got milk?" isn't usually parodied in Anime. But the last entry by some thick-skulled moron who thinks every fucking thing that they remember while baking themselves on the couch is important was this: "In the Daria episode 'Psycho Thereapy', Jake Morgendorffer, when his efforts to get a glass of milk are thwarted by his wife Helen, roars, 'Got milk? Not Jakey! Dammit!'." What the fuck?! Who fucking cares! Imagine if everybody who ever saw or heard one of these "got milk?" references added them to this page, it would be bigger than the rest of the Internet together! How about I add this blurb: "On the freeway between Snoqualmie and North Bend is a restaurant called 'Got Rice' which is a subtle reference to the 'got milk?' campaign."

• Metamorpho and Sapphire meet the Ancient Astronauts who became the Egyptians. I think. I mean, they're awfully Caucasian looking to be descended from Ancient Egyptian Astronauts. Except the one guy who isn't! So maybe I'm wrong. Except Rex mentions they sound like they're speaking Ancient Egyptian. So maybe I'm right!

• How does Rex know what Ancient Egyptian sounds like?

• Kanjar Ro and his men follow Rex and Saph through the interdimensional planetary otherworldly transport. Remember how they want to use Metamorpho and the Orb of Ra for fuel?

• Saph's ass is my new favorite character.

• Metamorpho is, of course, the Chosen One. I would have chosen Sapph's ass but then I'm a feminist.

• Metamorpho and Sapphire learn that the Egyptians were indeed Ancient Astronauts led by a madman named Dagan Ra. Their first reaction isn't, "Well, that's nuts since everything was already so self-explanatory via all the evidence found by archaeologists." Instead it was, "Oh yeah! Totally. That makes sense! The other stuff we thought about the Egyptians was obviously pure hoodoo nutso nonsense!"

• To thank Sapphire for helping him and believing in him and caring about him and having such a smoking hot booty, Rex makes a diamond from his left testicle and gives it to her. She loves it!

• The story ends with Rex, Saph, and their new friend, Princess Neith, adventuring to find the Orb of Ra. I mean, it ends with a bigger cliffhanger than that, of course! But unless I scan the final page, telling you they encountered a Wolvengot isn't really going to mean anything.

Sugar and Spike!
• Now it's time for my favorite part of this anthology! Although I will say a rare positive thing about Legends of Tomorrow: it's telling stories with beginnings, middles, and ends! I appreciate when writers have a point to their stories and it helps if they know their story will have a definite end. Legends of Tomorrow doesn't feel like the kind of book that is just going to keep on and on with the four different sets of characters they're currently using. Either it'll end when all these stories are told, or it'll keep going with a new character whenever one of the current stories ends. I prefer that kind of comic book than one where the writer just keeps writing and writing and writing and thinking up new stories while sort of forgetting what the old story was to go in a new direction that completely contradicts the old story. I don't have any particular Scott Lobdell in mind when I say that.

• In this issue of Sugar and Spike, Private Investigations (Metahumans a specialty), Wonder Woman needs some help sorting a possible embarrassing situation from her past that she wouldn't want to resurface and ruin her credibility. I can't wait to find out which Golden Age story this is about! According to the cover, she's looking for an annulment from Mr. Monster!

• I think this is another one of those secret messages to me! Hi Giffen! Hi!

• The only real issue I have with Giffen's Sugar and Spike stories is that they rely pretty heavily on a great big wink from Giffen regarding the original Golden Age stories (okay, some Silver Age too, maybe?) they're based on. The story relies on the reader knowing about Batman's weird fucking costumes he's worn in the past, or that Superman once made an island in his own image, or that Wonder Woman almost married a monster. Sure, you can read it without knowing DC once told these stories. But I think much of the fun of the series is that Sugar and Spike are dealing with stupid shit that has been relegated to the dustbin of DC Comics history. But that's also what I truly love about them. Before this, when has anybody written a story that flatly states Wonder Woman's near marriage to Mister Monster is fucking canon? Even if all of the other versions of herself were at the wedding!

The Metal Men!
• The Metal Men story begins with the biggest impossibility I've seen in a DC story in a long time. No, not Robotman being a human brain in a robot. No, not the Metal Men being intelligent metal that can change into any shape at all and do pretty much anything the writer wants them to. No, the impossibility is how The Metal Men pick up actual news reports on an analog television set without an HD Adapter. I suppose the part where I said the Metal Men can become anything trumps my complaint since Tin must have simply turned into rabbit ears and an HD Adapter.

• The short amount of television they pick up is about Red Tornado going nuts at Six Flags. I don't mean he's eating tons of elephant ears and corn dogs and riding coasters until he pukes. I mean he's threatening to kill everybody. Probably because he got drunk at one of the adult food stands.

• The Metal Men borrow one of Niles Caulder's flying inventions and leave the most interesting character in this story behind. I guess Cliff Steele doesn't mind since he's more of a reluctant hero. But I'm sure going to miss him! Now the rest of the story is just going to be inane nonsense bandied about by the stupid Metal Men.

• Red Tornado isn't in control of his actions. His destruction is due to a guy named Nameless! He's a clever re-imagining of the real life hacker group, Anonymous! That was a free fact for stupid people.

• The Metal Men, having empathy for another robot, defeat Red Tornado without tearing him limb from limb like usually happens.

• The story ends with the United States Army surrounding the Metal Men to take them back into custody. They should have said, "You're going to capture us? You and the United States Army and what army?!"

Legends of Tomorrow #1

This would be a cool looking book if it weren't marred by the Batman vs Superman advert at the top (which I cropped out!).

Rating: 26 out of 51 DC Comics? I guess? It's hard to recommend a comic book that costs eight dollars just for one story. But at least the one story I highly recommend in this book is the one story that nobody is purchasing it to read: the Sugar and Spike story! So if somebody is interested in this book because of Metamorpho or Firestorm or the Metal Men, they're going to get an enjoyable bonus story! And the other stories are competent enough to satisfy fans of the characters. I just don't think this book is worth the price if you aren't fans of any of the characters on the cover. Is this format DC's new way of introducing possibly monthly comic books? Are they going to weigh the responses from fans on Sugar and Spike or Firestorm to gauge interest in a monthly? I personally like the format because I don't mind spending eight dollars (six with my local comic book shop discount!) for an anthology title. I am disappointed that more of the characters aren't changing next issue (or any of them, possibly!). I really thought this was going to be a bunch of one and done stories.

• This is a really long comic book which would usually take me a really long time to read. But now I'm utilizing bullet points! So instead of dozens and dozens of long-winded paragraphs of digression after digression, I can get lots and lots of ideas out in record time! That might not be a positive.

• Who at DC Comics thought Sugar and Spike needed retooling? I bet it was Geoff Johns.

• The first story is about Firestorm which means it's going to be professional grade slash fiction! I'm getting my dick out right now!

• Ronnie and Jason are still sharing their lives as Firestorm. Martin Stein is their mentor. All of the other Nuclear Men from the horribly titled The Fury of Firestorm the Nuclear Men have died because they didn't have what it takes to merge long term. I guess they weren't romantic enough.

• Ronnie's racist, dog-dick eating mom makes an appearance! Yay! Although I don't think she's as racist as when I first began claiming she was. I mean, she's probably just as not racist as then! I don't think that dating Jason's dad proves she isn't racist because she might just like guys with amputated limbs.

• Jason and Ronnie are still using the same beard.

• Jason's big academic rival is a cute little egghead named Littman. That's probably her last name. I would so have had a crush on her in high school. But she would probably be dating some super cool guy taking drama who would later reveal he's gay. Even if she wasn't dating anybody, it wouldn't matter. I would never have attempted to speak to her and probably just stared at her in the library during lunch.

• Jason is having issues with entering the Slash Fiction Matrix. Now whenever he goes to enter Ronnie, he gets dizzy and sick to his stomach.

• Ronnie and Jason must not be too experienced with intimate matters because after they merge for a bit, they warn Martin Stein that they're going to explode. Yeah, boys. That's supposed to happen! Then you just grab a towel and clean up.

• The Firestorm story is going to be continued. Next up: Metamorpho!

• It's about time Metamorpho appears in the New 52. Aside from his cameos in Batman Incorporated which wasn't entirely a New 52 comic book so it doesn't count. Although how much does this comic book count since no matter what DC Comics says, Rebirth is definitely going to be a reboot. Not the typical reboot! I think they're just going to restructure the New 52 characters so that they incorporate a bunch of their Preboot history.

• The Metamorpho story is also just the first of a multi-part story. Couldn't DC find a writer who could compress each story into twenty pages? I want a Legends of Tomorrow book that is all different legends every month! I'm starting to think this is just a trick to make me pay eight dollars for a monthly Metamorpho book with a bunch of back-up stories I don't want to read!

• Also starring in Metamorpho's comic book are Simon Stagg, Sapphire Stagg, and Java. I wonder how many times Java has been reported to HR for harassing Sapphire? Not that he knows any better! He's just a caveman! They didn't have sexual harassment in his time. According to every sexual harassment video I've had to sit through at various jobs, sexual harassment wasn't discovered until the eighties. Until then, it was simply known as being a secretary.

• Sapphire has all the right Daddy Issues to become a star in the DC You!

• Kanjar Ro has decided to come to Earth to do some Flea Marketing.

• Sapphire begins Florence Nightingaling all over Rex Mason. Java gets jealous and decides it's time to kill Mason before Sapphire can fuck him. I mean free him!

• I should probably retire the joke where I mistakenly type 'fuck' instead of the word I was really going to fuck.

• Speaking of jokes that have been used way too many times, the next story is by Keith Giffen! It's the Sugar and Spike story. I hope their first mystery is called The Case of The Fatal Face Fuck.

• Sugar and Spike engage in that kind of repartee that Giffen makes all of his characters engage in. You know the kind. One person says a thing which the reader has no context for. Then the next person responds to the thing and the reader still has no context. Then the first person says another thing that confuses the reader. Then the other person says another thing that makes no sense. They do this for a number of panels until the reader finally catches on to what they're talking about and starts the story over from the beginning.

• I can't quite remember all of Keith Giffen's work since The New 52 began so I'm just going to sound confident and hope that what I'm about to say is true: this is Keith Giffen's best work since The New 52 began. It's irreverent and paced well and funny. Maybe not in the "ha ha ha my guts hurt and I just pissed myself" funny way that 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown is funny. It's more of a kind of Portlandia funny where you watch it and go "That's clever" or "Oh yeah, I've seen white people do that" or "Christ, this show is so on the nose that it's attracting the kind of people it's making fun of to my fucking city!"

• The gist of the story is that Sugar and Spike are detectives who clean up embarrassing pasts of super-heroes. Alfred hires them to take back all of Batman's lamest Batsuits which Killer Moth somehow acquired and has been snacking on. This is a good bridging story for what I figured Rebirth was going to do! This is one-handed, New 52 Alfred dealing with a bunch of crap from Batman's Preboot history. See? Rebirth!

• The final story is about the Metal Men and I'm just going to end this commentary here and read the story. I'll only be back if there is a panel of Will Magnus with a Responsometer up his ass.

• I'm back! I'm sorry to say that it isn't for the aforementioned reason I gave for my eventual return. Instead I'd just like to say something I'm sure I've said before, along with thousands of DC Comics' fans over time: why the fuck would Doctor Magnus make one of his Metal Men out of mercury?! Every time the Metal Men fight, the whole battlefield has to be thoroughly cleaned by a hazmat team!

• The city is currently being attacked by Missile Men and protesters have taken the time to make signs and gather at the edge of town to protest against robots. Christ, Len! You can't even wait until a proper moment in the story to remind the readers that the populace hates the heroes?!

• I'm fairly certain Iron just climbed into Gold's penis. And it gave Tin an erection.

• I guess I should apologize to Len Wein now. It looks like the protesters have been protesting for three weeks. And the reason the Missile Men were dropped on the city under protest is because that's where the government robot lab is located. I guess I jumped the gun yet again! Stupid stories that eventually make sense making me look like a fool.

• Some guy named Nameless can hack into anything in the world except the Metal Men. Which is why he wants the Metal Men so badly he's willing to screw with every military project he can until he's given access to them. But the military knows how to beat him: destroy the Metal Men once and for all! Ha ha!

• The Metal Men's story continues next issue. Does that mean Sugar and Spike get another story too? Or are they the only ones being replaced next time?