Metamorpho #4

I cannot read "Bad Chemistry" without singing it and adding "Til the day I die!"

I have had a song stuck in my head all morning as I was trying to sleep and now that I want to talk about it, I can't remember what song it was. I'm cured!

Being that this is an old comic book that I own and have read before (in 1993!), I should be able to remember how it ends. But the reality is that I probably read this in the course of five minutes in a public space while people nearby who had previously been thinking, "I want to fuck that guy," now began thinking, "What a disgusting nerd. I want to punch him in the face." Some of you kids probably don't understand that sentence but there was a time in America when being a nerd actually hurt your social life. It was this weird cycle where the nerd didn't fit in and was often teased or bullied so they retreated to other worlds like comic books and role-playing games which just caused them to get teased and bullied even more. That might be a positive feedback loop but since everything about it is negative, I want to say it's a negative feedback loop. Being a nerd doesn't automatically make you smart!

Nowadays, everybody wants to be a nerd. It's fucking nerd culture appropriation, man! Although the types of nerds that nobody likes and who we're all allowed to keep bullying and making fun of still exist! They're called Comicsgate now! See, they saw that their hobbies and interests were now things that all of the popular people like but people still didn't like them for some totally and inexplicable unknown reason. Maybe it was because they were so protective of their hobby that they wound up asking everybody who they didn't think should be part of their hobby gatekeeping questions like "Oh, you like Spider-man so much? Tell me how many times he masturbated in 'Superior Spider-man #72'!" Or maybe it was that they kept using the word pandering whenever a character that wasn't a white male wasn't kept in a supporting role in the way it always had been. Or maybe it was how when they read a statement like the former sentence, they'll be sure to point out how Marvel had Black Panther and DC had Black Lightning so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about and should shut up and die or maybe be SWATted. Or maybe it was just that they were fat and gross and greasy and smelled like an onion rotting in a dirty sock which meant, once again, they were being excluded from the popular people's nerd party. That last one was from their point of view! Nobody wants to believe that people don't like them because of their personality. They'd rather believe they're being unfairly maligned due to not being good looking or fit enough. Maybe that's true but you'd still think they'd understand showers. I mean, I've been to San Diego Comic-con three times (the last time the year X-men came out. Just so you know I was there before it was all about the movies and television! I'm a true nerd! This is exactly the sort of gatekeeping I was talking about earlier! But it's the good kind because I'm doing it to make myself seem more authentic!) and my nose hurt every year. But it actually didn't matter because it was a lot of fun and I mostly stayed out of the Magic the Gathering room.

It's almost as if I wrote that entire previous paragraph to make a whole bunch of people think I'm an asshole! But in reality, I just wrote it all so I could take a dig at Magic the Gathering players! I'll never forgive them for being horrible bastards at competitive gaming! My guess is that half the people who win at Magic tournaments do so by rushing through every turn and ignoring the whole concept of the game wherein the other player gets a chance to react to every move the other player makes. Yeah, some jerk did it to me because I hadn't memorized every fucking card in the sets that I never even had a chance to see so maybe I'm bitter about it! But this was before the Internet and if I'd never seen Feldon's Cane before, how was I supposed to know I should have immediately and quickly shouted that I wanted to counterspell it before being able to read what it does? And by the time I learned what it did, the jerk I was playing (and beating by running his deck out of cards, a specialty of mine!) had already shuffled his graveyard into his library. Fuck that guy. I should have dragged that nerd into the hotel lobby toilet and given him a swirly!

I began this entire thing trying to remember a song that got stuck in my head! No wait! That was just an instant digression. Is that a thing? Can it be called a digression if I hadn't actually started writing about the main thing I'm supposed to be writing about (you know, Metamorpho #4!)? Anyway, I was going to try to guess how this comic book ended before somebody distracted me with all that nerd stuff. Based on my rereading of the first three issues, I don't really know how the book is going to end. Metamorpho will stop Jillian from using the Orb of Ra, save Joey, and probably wind up in Sapphire's thighs. But how will it be accomplished? I bet to stop Jillian from using the Orb of Ra to cure herself (a feat that can only be accomplished once), he'll need to use it on himself. But then he'll need to re-Metamorpho himself by bathing in the meterorite's presence again so that he can save the day. If that's what happens, I only guessed it because I actually do remember how this comic book ends. If that doesn't happen, I'll think, "Man. I'm glad I don't fucking remember how a comic book I read in 1993 ends! Thank you, brain, for not letting that take up space!"

This issue is called "Criminal Element" because it was the last pun on elements that Mark Waid hadn't used yet.

That feeling when you run into an ex after a lengthy period of time and think, "Oh yeah. We're gonna fuck!"

Sapphire and Rex pursue Simon and Jillian who have gone off to the pyramid to get the Orb of Ra back. Remember Mason's claim that archaeologist's can't trust their partners? I bet Simon betrays Jillian! He's really gone daughter-fucking crazy.

When Rex arrives to stop them, Simon Stagg uses the Orb to hurt him while taunting, "Never come between a father and his special daughter!" So is that why Mark Waid pitched this story? Did he grow up reading Metamorpho comic books thinking, "Man, that old guy really wants to fuck his daughter!" Did he actually pitch that story to DC editors?!

Mark: "Pictures this: a four part Metamorpho story where we learn Simon Stagg's entire motivation is getting into his daughter's lady cave!"
DC Editor #1: "Remind me. What's a lady cave?"
Mark: "Virgin!" DC Editors #2-4: "Ha ha! Good one, Mark. Augustyn is totally a virgin! It sounds like a great idea! Are you coming to our party later? Brian isn't invited!"
Mark: "But don't you want to hear about how the Orb of Ra is a metaphor for Simon Stagg's penis?!"

"Touch it, Rex! Just touch it! Feel my cock's power!"

Sapphire falls into her dad's trap and tackles him to stop him from killing Rex. Simon Stagg gets a huge boner. Although he drops the Orb of Ra which is the symbol of his penis so maybe he actually loses his erection when he realizes his daughter has stood up to him. If Sapphire tackled me, my Orb of Ra would only get stronger! And it would probably go off instantly!

While everybody else is distracted, Jillian grabs Stagg's penis and thinks, "The orb's still potent!" See? It's totally a penis metaphor. She runs off to the chamber at the top of the pyramid where the Orb is supposed to be able to cure somebody who has been metamorphosized.

Rex manages to climb back to his feet and he notices some dust on the hieroglyphics that Conway missed. He blows it off and reads the final line of the cure and yells, "It's a cookbook! A COOKBOOK!" He then rushes off to save Jillian for some reason.

Metamorpho gets to Jillian as she's bathed in the Orb's excretions. Apparently the cure wasn't meant to reverse the transformation but to complete it! So that's why Rex and Jillian look so gross. Because they're only half baked.

Jillian turns into a pillar of salt and Rex shrugs his shoulders and goes off to find his son. Joey has made his way to the meteor room because archaeology is in his disgusting, modified blood.

Don't encourage him!

Rex and Sapphire hear Joey laugh in the chambers below and Rex realizes he's with the meteorite. So he and Sapphire run into the chamber to fetch him. Luckily Joey has turned the meteor to lead so Sapphire doesn't have to become Metamorphess. Also, Joey is cured! His skin is normal! He doesn't look like a freak anymore! And his grandfather is going to be pissed that the little brat didn't turn the meteor into gold before losing his powers.

So the Mason's are once again a family and Sapphire plans to turn Stagg in for the murder of Java. But I guess that never happens. Or maybe it does happen but Superboy's punch and/or Mr. Mind's devouring of the DC Universe brought Java back to life and made us all forget that Simon Stagg loves incest. What am I? A scholar in DC Continuity?! Does that even exist?! Nerd!

Metamorpho #4 Rating: B-. It's a decent story if not a little boring. The best part was how Mark Waid had the gall to make Simon Stagg into an incestuous murderer. It's almost as if he realized before the rest of us that evil narcissists expose themselves in their desire to fuck their daughters! It's practically prescient!

Metamorpho #3

The deadliest element is knives!

When we last left Metamorpho, he was waiting to be proud of his son's first murder. See, little Joe has the power to turn anything he touches into any element (like knives!). And Seamus the bad guy had a gun up to little Joe's head. That meant Seamus was in physical contact with little Joe. You can probably work out the rest of what's about to happen yourself. I gave you all of the pertinent details!

Jillian also apparently lied when she said she put out most of the fire last issue. Or she doesn't know the meaning of most. Or she thought too much about oxygen when she was trying to turn into carbon dioxide. What I'm saying is she fucked up because look at all of that fire.

Joey turns the gun into gas and then turns O'Grady's jacket into acid. Not the good kind of acid where you turn on and tune out and beginning wondering why people have so many fingers. It's the kind of acid that we as a society feel teenagers are responsible enough to handle in science class. I don't know how Joey knows about acid though. Metamorpho did say his powers work in reverse. Maybe he has to think about milk to create acid, and poop to create gas. Those are probably the only two things he can create with his powers. Which is too bad for incest pervert Simon Stagg because he wants his grandson to create gold. But what's the opposite of gold? Texas tea?

Rex learns that O'Grady sold the Orb of Ra to Egyptian Emir Abd al-Aziz. He's a collector of artifacts who probably uncollected the Orb of Ra to Ra's al Ghul because this is only four pages into the third issue. Unless Abd is one of those guys who is always forcing people to do favors for him before he does a favor for them. So Metamorpho will probably have to go to Hell to retrieve a rare demon's skull before he can get the orb. Is this that kind of comic book? Does Metamorpho fit in with DC's magic heroes? His origins are sort of mystical.

Nothing so dramatic happens. It seems Mark Waid doesn't understand the extent to which comic book stories can be pushed. Instead, he writes some sensible plot about how the Orb of Ra was switched by some other scheming collector from Casablanca who was authenticating it. And instead of Simon Stagg's dick being cut off by Sapphire as he tries to incest her, it remains between his legs as he flies to Casablanca to get his hands back on the Orb of Ra. And Sapphire stows away on his plane because that's believable. That wasn't sarcastic! That was proof that Mark Waid doesn't realize he's writing comic books! Doesn't he know that Sapphire could have contacted Java's ghost to provide her with passage through the land of the Neanderthal dead where, due to the physical restrictions in the astral plane, she'd have to wear nothing but a bikini made from Woolly Mammoth fur?

I think I just discovered why I think so many comics are terrible! Because I'm judging them by what I think they should be! And if Sapphire Stagg isn't wearing a Woolly Mammoth thong, why the fuck am I even reading this?!

In Casablanca, Rex learns that the Orb was sold to an Egyptian cult who put the Orb of Ra back in the pyramid where it was stolen. But Rex also learns that the Ra can only be used once to reverse the transformation. Jillian was going to use it on herself and leave Rex and Joey in the cold. Although, who even knows if it would work on Joey! Maybe Rex would be better off just buying the kid a ton of gloves.

Jillian and Rex get into a metamorphosis battle on page 18. This is the kind of stuff that I read Metamorpho comic books for and Mark Waid doesn't include it until the comic book is almost over? But he has plenty of time for Rex to visit an Emir's treasure room only to find it was a dead end and then to travel to Casablanca to re-enact a scene from every movie that ever had a scene in a small cafe in Northern Africa before finally getting around to the scene where two people who can transform into anything they want fight! Hopefully Mark Waid has taken some "Better Use of Comic Book Pages" classes since 1993.

I would have enjoyed 24 pages of this with little to no plot advancement.

I know that previous caption probably flies in the face of something I've said in over 3700 other comic book commentaries. But sometimes, as human beings, we contradict ourselves without becoming hypocrites. Only fools live by rules built up from a solid foundation! You have to take every experience and judge it for its own particulars. In this case, I'd rather see two Metamorphos battle for twenty pages than read a coherent plot that relies on all the old international art theft tropes. These last two issues were essentially just filler as Rex Mason chases down leads to find the Orb of Ra. Why couldn't those two issues be all bar brawl and battle of the two metamorphs?! Then when Metamorpho is finally defeated (because that's a comic book rule: the hero must be down and out just before the final issue of the story where they will rise in triumph), the reader can learn that Jillian was working with incestuous corporate devil Simon Stagg all along!

Metamorpho #3 Rating: C+. I guess the story about what a father would do for his child wasn't as emotionally gripping as I was hoping it would be. So far, it's been mostly Metamorpho turning into soft things that his son can fall on while yelling, "Whee!" Maybe my almost certainly non-existent heartstrings will get tugged in the final issue!

Metamorpho #2

Rex remembering the day he decided to fuck that meteorite.

The issue begins with Metamorpho remembering how he turned into Metamorpho. I'm sure most people reading the first issue kept thinking to themselves, "How did this freak turn into such a freak?" And then they were disappointed to never find the answer. Although by the end of last issue if they weren't asking, "How did this freak put his elemental boner into such a hot piece of ass?", it probably meant they weren't sexist jerks. I certainly wasn't thinking that at all! But I was thinking, "Java must have a thick dick." No, I'm kidding! And stop looking at that paper I hid behind my back for a reason! You did not see Java's name at the top of the list next to the crossed out Erin Esurance!

Remember the good old days when you could shoot babies with toy guns on an airplane and not worry about forcing an emergency landing from your behavior? The fucking terrorists took that away from us!

Imagine how much easier stories were to right before cell phones and Homeland Security! Characters couldn't be in constant contact so you could create drama! And you could send a bunch of freaks on an international trip via a commercial flight and not have readers question how the fuck they were allowed on board the plane! Writers had it so easy last century!

While explaining his son's powers to Jillian, Metamorpho teaches me something about his own powers: he can only change into elements or compounds found in the human body! Being that I know next to nothing about the human body because learning about the human body is fucking disgusting and depressing, it doesn't help me to figure out what Metamorpho can and can't become. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the teacher in college biology and not the way Julie's overalls hung on her body so as to allow a glimpse into the darkness that may or may not have hid sexy underwear. Was that too specific? I meant for it to be a general story that everybody could relate to! We've all failed courses because we were distracted by Julie's tits! Metaphorically, of course! Some of you were distracted by Julie's penis! Again, metaphorically!

Back at Stagg's mansion where nobody read any of the embarrassing things I wrote, Simon Stagg shoots Java in the face for practically no reason. Mostly it was because Java was showing free will and disobeying a direct order from Stagg. But I think there were some other reasons too like how Stagg just wanted to shoot a human and how Stagg is an asshole.

Oh, and because he wants to fuck his daughter.

This was probably pretty shocking in 1993 but since Trump has normalized fathers wanting to fuck their daughters, I barely gasped at all while reading it.

Metamorpho, Jillian, and Joey wind up in Ireland in pursuit of the Orb of Ra. He follows his lead to a bar where a bunch of ex-IRA hang out, one of which apparently stole the Orb. When they realize Rex Mason is looking for them, they attack him, inside the bar, with flamethrowers. I wanted to explain how stupid and reckless that is but when did the IRA ever give a fuck about not destroying property and lives? That isn't a rhetorical question! I'm really asking! I'm as bad at history as I am biology and I don't even have Julie's tits to blame this time!

In the commentary on the first issue, I asked how the fuck Metamorpho changes into different elements. In this issue, we get a teeny tiny little bit of an answer that is supposed to make the reader nod and say, "Yep. Totally what I thought. Absolutely reasonable."

That's it! Just think about the element you want to be and poof! You're Julie's underpants! I mean carbon dioxide!

Rex beats up all of the bad guys except the main bad guy. During the brawl, the main bad guy (whose name I don't feel like flipping a few pages back to remember. It was probably Seamus) grabbed little Joe to use as a hostage. I don't know why little Joe came along. I guess because if he were left in the hotel, he would turn all the candy in the mini-fridge into lead.

The gun to the head of little Joe is the big cliffhanger! I was scared and in suspense for about two seconds before I remembered little Joe's super power. That Seamus guy is fucked next issue!

Metamorpho #2 Rating: B. The first issue spent a lot of time working on motivations and relationships between the characters. This issue spent a lot of time on a bar room brawl. Waid also felt he needed to burn four or five pages retelling Metamorpho's origin because every comic is somebody's first! That's what people like to say and I'm just repeating it because people like to say it but I prefer to shit in the mouth of people who say it because what the fuck do I care about those people?! You're wasting my time and money! The best part of this issue was when Simon Stagg admitted he wanted to fuck Sapphire. I know incest is culturally wrong and somebody might convince me that it's morally wrong if they can come up with a great philosophical argument that really wows me (or if they just say, "Would you fuck your mother?" Ugh. Yes, yes. Morally wrong. Absolutely!) and it's almost certainly physically wrong (and not because it would make you throw up but because of the way genetics work) but I can't blame Simon for wanting to fuck his daughter. Did you happen to see the way she was drawn?!

Ha ha! It's funny the way I exaggerate for effect, isn't it?! I have to go do some Google research on Rule 34 now. So long!

Metamorpho #1

I'll be disappointed if this series doesn't contain at least on Francium joke.

This Metamorpho comic book from 1993 costs $1.50. Remember just six years ago when a Teen Titans Spotlight On: comic book cost just seventy-five cents?! How the hell did comic book prices double in just six years?! I guess once they decided to stop raising comic prices by nickels and dimes every time and just opted for a full quarter, the price of comics was destined to sky rocket. This comic book on regular newsprint in 1993 costs as much as the Baxter Paper comics introduced in the eighties! Maybe this paper isn't quite newsprint. It looks and feels like it might be a tiny bit sturdier, the inks look more defined, and the colors look sharper. I don't know how long it took for comic book prices to double again but I know somewhere around 2010 or so, DC marched out their "Drawing the line at $2.99!" marketing shtick. Now I think DC's motto is "We don't know what happened! Somebody moved the line! It's not our fault!"

How does Metamorpho work? Even if one had the power to turn into any element in existence, how do you go about it? Yes, I'm asking more from my comic books than they're prepared to give me! It's just, even if I understood on an instinctual level how to turn my atoms into hydrogen and then combine two of those to make helium and then to do whatever nasty thing helium does to another hydrogen to get lithium (I bet it's butt stuff), how much research would I have to do to know when to stop the process so I can be lead instantaneously?! I bet I'd try to turn into lead to stop bullets from hitting some innocent victim and I'd miscalculate and wind up being mercury. That'd mean one dead innocent victim! I'd never manage it! I mean, I pretty much stalled out on my knowledge of the periodic table of elements when I got to lithium! Sure, I know carbon is like six or something and oxygen is around eight. And I know the noble gases (one of which is krypton!) line up along the right hand side while the soft and impotent metals are all over on the left hand side. And I now there's like a row of unimaginariums or something that doesn't quite fit and has to sit at the bottom of the chart the way Alaska and Hawaii are always depicted in a map of the United States! Plus I know some of the symbols like O and H and N (oh! Isn't Nitrogen like five or something?! Maybe seven! It's like a little row of super important shit!) and Au and Ag and As!

Okay, I'm going to stop showing off now. You get it! I know a lot more about the periodic table than most people's five year olds. Fucking genius, I am!

This issue begins with Rex Mason being proud of his ability to steal and loot from other cultures. He's all, "It was never about the money! I just loved shoving how incompetent their security was in the faces of all those stupid Yeti tribes and indigenous peoples. I mean, if these valuable relics and ancient artifacts were really so important to your people, maybe make your deadly traps more deadly, you big dumbies!" So right off the bat, some readers are going to be, "Boo! Rex Mason is cancelled!" But not me! I just threw my arms in the air and yelled, "You give those dirty nobodies what-for, Rex! Take their beautiful diamond that probably houses the souls of all of their ancestors! Make them pay for not investing in a safety deposit box in an international bank chain! Don't they know how capitalism works?!"

Ha ha! "Donated" by Rex Mason. What a complete and utter dick.

I get how exciting it must have been to be a looter of other countries' treasures. I did play a lot of Dungeons & Dragons as a kid and I never once thought about the poor orc whose home I was invading so I could shove a sword up his ass and steal his precious copper pieces (which I was absolutely disappointed in). Sure, it seems fucked up when you think about it like that. But that's before you remember the alignment system! The orc was automatically the bad guy with his evil alignment! Anything you wanted to do to him was just fine! He was the bad guy! If he didn't want me stealing his copper, maybe he should have made a show of giving up his evil ways and took on the trappings of man and elf! But no! He was content to sit in his dirty hole with his dirty family eking out a dirty living being a rotten, evil monster worth a few lousy experience points. You can't make me care about that stupid orc no matter how many John Gardner wannabes write Grendelesque fan fiction about how the bad person was just a regular ordinary person who got the short end of life's dumb stick! It's fucking propaganda! Wicked, my ass! Don't go making excuses for that witch! She knew what she was doing when she chose a life of flying monkeys and stealing shoes!

"Ha ha! Found. More sherry?"

It's weird to think that Western Civilization has mostly come to the realization that all of these treasures in museums were found at all. Sure, the people in power and the people in charge mostly aren't coming to that conclusion because why would you when you own everything now? But we understand the context of archaeological theft much better. But even as kids watching Raiders of the Lost Ark, how did we not realize Indy was obviously stealing that golden idol right at the beginning? It was in a secure location guarded by traps and after he stole it, the owners tried to chase him down to stop it. And he was as good a guy as you could get in 1981! I guess when one of the greatest tenets of capitalism is "Finders keepers, losers weepers," it's understandable that we all rooted on a terrible thief of cultural artifacts.

Rex Mason has given up his exciting career of liberating treasures from dolts who don't know the value of their sacred religious objects because stealing from primitive people and Yetis who just want to be left alone has become too easy. Also he's full of guilt over having a son. His son must live in quarantine since he can turn whatever he touches into other elements. Sapphire's right breast is now polonium.

I'm not even going to be distracted from reading this comic book by pondering how Metamorpho had a kid. Last I checked, spermatozoa wasn't on the periodic table of elements.

The greatest female archaeologist, Jillian Conway, arrives to tell Rex she's found a cure for his condition (and probably his son's too!). Apparently the Orb of Ra won't kill Metamorpho; it'll cure him if he allows himself to succumb to its power. And she knows this because she was exposed to the meteorite too!

Gross. Can't she make herself hotter by becoming platinum?

Rex agrees to go looking for the Orb of Ra (which was stolen from Stagg) with Jillian. At first, I thought things were going to get romantic. And then I thought things might get alchemic. But then Rex decided the first thing he should do is kidnap his son and bring him on the adventure with them. So I guess this is going to be one of those kinds of stories. A wacky family comedy where dad has to handle the baby all by himself on a trip around the world while the too-disgusting-to-look-at love interest gets ignored.

Rex leaves a note for Sapphire but her father trashes it and just tells her Rex kidnapped their son. Why she might believe him and how she came to marry Java, fuck if I know. This was back when DC actually allowed characters to have involved and intimate relationships that led to weird freak baby children!

I didn't realize it was canon that Sapphire Stagg is the best looking woman in the DC Universe (followed closely by Abigail Arcane).

Metamorpho #1 Rating: A-. Not a bad start to a nice little story about fatherhood, capitalism, and second marriages. It might also be about ugly people because all but one of these characters are hideous freaks. Sure, most characters would be hideous freaks compared to Sapphire Stagg. But even disregarding her ethereal beauty so powerful that I've already struck Erin Esurance from the top of my list of cartoon characters I want to touch in a sexy place, they're all disgusting monsters.

I just made that list up. It doesn't actually exist. Never mind what I'm holding behind my back.

The Terrifics #4

The killer squid is Plastic Man's fingers. I mean, ew, I hope it's his "fingers."

What does "the new age of heroes" mean? Shouldn't it read "Hey! We really are sorry about The New 52! And we know Rebirth didn't quite convince everybody that we're trying to apologize profusely for The New 52 so will this work? It's a new age of heroes! That means we at DC are recommitted to telling quality stories about heroes you don't give a shit about simply because Scott Snyder used them in that stupid Metal comic book. Not that we think it was stupid! Nobody at DC is rolling their eyes at this statement right now at all! We loved Metal! I mean, it was metal, right?! And 'metal' isn't a category of music that hasn't been relevant for thirty years, Scott! Everybody totally still thinks it's way cool and parents totally suck and jean jackets with 'Slayer' patches never went out of style! So, um, anyway, enjoy this comic book with that idiot Plastic Man in it! And if you think it's wacky that we've brought him back, just wait until you see who's a member of the new Justice League Dark: Detective Chimp! Dan DiDio may never have a boner again. And it's all for the fans!"

That might be a bit too much to put at the top of every new DC comic book. "The New Age of Heroes" probably works better.

If you haven't been reading this comic book, here's a quick summary: Phantom Girl's ass is succulent.

I just looked up the definition for "succulent" because I suspected I might be calling her ass a plant of some sort. But I used it as an adjective which is defined as "tender, juicy, and tasty." So, exactly the word I wanted!

Phantom Girl has a new diary in which she isn't writing secret sex stories about her hand's love affair with her vagina. Instead she's writing silly stuff like how she calls Metamorpho "Rexamorpho" because, I guess, that's cute or something? It makes it sound like she's too young for me to be salivating over her backside. What is Lemire trying to do here?! Make me feel uncomfortable about my lustful feelings for a fictional character?! As if I don't have enough reasons to hate myself. He could have at least allowed Phantom Girl to begin her diary entry with "According to Bgztl orbit around its sun, I'm only sixteen years old. But that's forty-five in Earth years! So a 45 year old Earth guy could totally eat my ass if he was into that even though I'm going to keep writing in this diary and acting like I'm sixteen. That might seem a little gross to certain people on Tumblr who don't know the definition of 'fictional' but what are older guys reading comic books supposed to jerk off to? Aunt May?! Get with the times, man!"

The Terrifics are on their way to Bgztl to learn how to pronounce it. While they're traveling there, I'm going to watch Drake's video, "I'm Upset," one more time. I'm just really disappointed that Caitlin wasn't in it (just in case you were wondering if I was actually into age appropriate women and their butts).

Tone down the sex talk, Phantom Girl! Geez!

The Terrifics decide that going on an original adventure would be too difficult so they decide to reenact the trash compactor scene from Star Wars. In this day and age, that's an acceptable plot because fans feel smart when they can make the connection between an original work and the thing plagiarizing that work. They call it a "reference" and it elevates a written piece from boring garbage to intelligent pop culture commentary!

Metamorpho brings up the fact that Mister Terrific always called himself the "third smartest person on Earth" and Mister Terrific begins to backpedal on that fact. He's all, "Third smartest?! Why, that's just hyperbole and facetiousness! I'm not really a terrible comic book reviewer that jerks off over young fictional super heroes! Sheesh! Can't you tell the difference between somebody just being entertaining and somebody who's an actual disgusting pervert?!"

The Terrifics bond a bit in the trash compactor while battling the trash squid. It's the perfect amount of letting the readers get to know the characters and letting them bond realistically so the team doesn't seem as forced as the premise that they'll blow up if they separate balanced with just enough action for the people who like to read comic books. After they escape, they arrive on Bgztl to discover that Phantom Girl was trapped in the Dark Multiverse for thirty-two years which means she's really older than I am and I'm totally allowed to think about putting my tongue in her ass. In your face, judgy judgers!

Rating: You know how I often read comic books and think, "Why am I still reading comic books?" Well this comic book didn't make me think that! It was well put together, had great art, and was an enjoyable read. And that's my praise before I even add in Phantom Girl's butt! It also had a sweet message in a saccharine kind of way that some of you emotional nitwits might enjoy.

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Metamorpho!

I wonder if Metamorpho ever stabs himself in the face while sleeping. Wait. Does Metamorpho sleep?

Typical political discourse:

"Bush is terrible for all of these reasons!"
"Oh yeah? What about Clinton?!"

"Obama is terrible for all of these reasons."
"Here are facts as to why those reasons are wrong."

"Trump is terrible for all of these reasons!"
"Oh yeah? What about Clinton?!"

How a person doesn't realize they're on the losing side of every argument when their entire rebuttal is a deflection, I'll never know. I'll never know because I don't talk to those people if I can help it. Usually if I'm having a conversation with somebody and they say something stupid, I just wander off. I do occasionally answer their questions on Tumblr but only if I think I'm being witty. That means I always answer them because I always think I'm being witty, much to the chagrin of everybody who knows me.

I just used the word "occasionally" even though I can never spell it. You see, one time I read a way to remember how to spell necessary and I always wind up applying the method to occasionally! The secret to spelling necessary is that a shirt has one 'n'eck, one 'c'ollar, and two 's'leeves. At least that's how I remember the saying even if it sounds stupid now that I type it out. Anyway, occasionally has all of those letters too! So I always wind up spelling it ocassionally on the first attempt! Thank God for Spellcheck! And I mean that literally because you know whoever invented Spellcheck got the idea from God because God was all, "Eeny meeny miney moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if you catch it, let it go. My 'mother' told me to pick the very best one and I pick you to be blessed!"

Last issue, things were happening in this story that I don't really remember. I reread my commentary to refresh my memory but that was nearly a week ago and I can't be bothered to reread it again! I think Java had just shot Metamorpho with one of those weapons that seem to be everywhere in the DC Universe. You know the kind! It's the kind that steals the power from the hero. Here's how the antagonists always seem to get their hands on one of them.

Writer: "Metamorpho sure has a lot of powers! How can anybody ever defeat him?!"
Editor: "I don't know. Can I have a bite of your salami sandwich?"
Writer: "Get out of here! I'm trying to work!"
Editor: "Brrrrt! Fry raid!"
Writer: "What the hell?! You said you didn't want anything when I went out! Get the fuck off of my lunch!"
Editor: "Whatever. You have that script idea yet?"
Writer: "I don't know! How about the bad guy just has a weapon that takes away Rex's powers?"
Editor: "Great! Perfect! Oh, hey, you're out of soda."
Writer: "FUCK!"

That dialogue was going to be completely different and then I made one of the characters an editor and thought, "Editors are jerks! I'd better make this realistic!"

This issue begins with Java defeating Neith and all of her warrior buddies while also disabling Metamorpho with his Lazy Writing Gun. I guess Cavemen are just naturally better fighters than people who have trained for battle their whole lives. I suppose I don't know that much about Java's life before he was thawed out. Maybe he was a champion Cave Fighter? That's like a cage fighter but with one letter changed to make it into a pun that needed to have an explanation or it would just look like I was calling him a guy who fights in caves like a caveman probably would!

I guess this is now Rex's natural form. Too bad. I thought without powers, he might revert to human and we'd get a glimpse of his penis.

Java says what all the idiots in the world couldn't say so they decided to destroy the world instead with their stupid power of democracy: "I'm tired of you looking down at me, thinking you're better than me!" If you've ever had that same thought, you're probably one of those idiots. When somebody expresses a truth and acts confident in that truth because science and evidence are behind them, they aren't even thinking about making you feel stupid. They're just living in reality. I can see how you might begin to feel put upon if your beliefs don't line up with reality. I can see how you might want to begin believing that facts are just opinions and have equal weight. I can see those things but they don't make you any less ignorant when you deny reality for your own desperate attempt to selfishly maintain your world of make-believe. Especially when that make believe world is full of hate. Here's a quick quiz to find out if you're a terrible person: are you angry at whole groups of people you don't know and do you think you're a good person? If you answered yes to both of those, you're the worst person. For transparency's sake, I answered yes to both questions. My whole groups of people I'm angry at are stupid people.

The best part about being vaguely rude and dismissive and insulting to people on the Internet is that I'm not specifically calling anybody out. But people will read this, self-identify with the terrible portrait I've painted with my words, get offended, and then type a rude message to me. I'll usually respond in some flippant way while thinking, "Thanks for identifying yourself, asshole!" But then I'll realize they sent the message anonymously. At that point I'll shake my fist impotently in the air and scream, "You win again, Internet!"

Sapphire arrives to tranquilize Java and say "Thanks but no thanks." Which I think is as bad as saying "Sorry not sorry" except that it really isn't somehow. People who say "sorry not sorry" should be euthanized. I totally stand by that statement no matter how much it makes me sound like Hitler! Besides, I'm pretty sure he popularized the phrase in response to you know what.

By tranquilizing Java, Sapphire has proven to Rex that she actually does want to help and that she isn't a pawn of Simon Stagg at all! Or maybe she was just a little bit but now she's smartened up and gotten with the program and drank the non-branded flavored sugar water drink! Rex decides to trust her, especially since she's the only other character still conscious and he needs somebody to have a conversation with while he saves the day, otherwise the rest of this issue will be super boring. At least up until Kanjar Ro attacks! He must have gotten away earlier for a reason, right?

I first read this as "Tranquilizers, fleshlights...I'm a regular Walmart" and thought, "Wow. Walmart has really changed!"

Rex and Sapphire flirt even worse than I flirt with people. Rex is all, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" And Sapphrie is all, "I lost your diamond testicle!" And Rex is all, "I don't have any more of those!" After typing that, I've changed my mind. That's much better than the way I flirt with people. Usually I look them in the eye and say, "I have a few minutes for nonthreatening sexual contact that should distract you from the thought of death for a little while." I just realized I should have been a teenage goth! I probably would have gotten laid like crazy with that line!

Oh! I just want to talk about the whole "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" bit for a second! I know I've mentioned it before but who is reading this right now who also read whatever commentary I last discussed it in, right? Jesus isn't suggesting that somebody might exist who has never sinned. I mean, that seems obvious but you never know what some Christians might think based on all of the weird shit some of them believe. What he's suggesting is the exact opposite. He's suggesting that nobody exists who has never sinned. And that's the whole point! We are all sinners and we've all been given second (or more!) chances. We must always be given another chance to repent and become better people. Nobody should be condemned to death on one sin without any chance at redemption. It's pretty much what Gandalf said to Frodo (unless it was Bilbo!) when discussing Gollum's fate. That makes sense since Gandalf was basically the Jesus of The Lord of the Rings. What with his magic powers and his coming back from death and his being friends with giant eagles.

The flirting is a success! It's so good that Sapphire decides she'll kiss a mineral shaped like a human even though it currently can't make any kind of penis-like protrusion because Rex lost his powers. While they're kissing, Kanjar Ro kicks them in the faces! Now Rex will have to battle Kanjar Ro without his powers! Which, I guess, just evens up the fight because what the fuck can Kanjar Ro do? I mean aside from the pretty cool double kick to both of their faces as they were kissing. That alone could make him one of my favorite supervillains of all time! I mean, it could if not for how utterly boring and terrible he is in every other way.

Kanjar Ro's attack causes the Orb of Ra to crack and since Rex is currently getting his face smashed into the floor, Sapphire has to risk her life to save the day. She scoops it up and sticks it on a place that looks like maybe that's where it goes, I guess? When she does, there's a blast of energy that turns her into Unity. Unity is basically the Orb of Ra possessing Sapphire's body. So when it describes itself as "Unity", what it really means is a union of the Orb of Ra's mind with Sapphire's amazing butt. But it can still feel her feelings and it is, of course, perplexed by the emotion of love. Being an orb, I suppose it wouldn't have known what love was previously. I mean, as long as it had never met Doctor Magnus, that is.

Unity tells Rex that she can't have sex with him because it would kill him and Rex is all, "I'll take my chances!" But instead, she flies away because DC hates love, I guess.

The issue ends with the planet Dawhatever saved, Sapphire subsumed by some monstrous entity that doesn't give a shit about love, and Metamorpho discovering the passion of having a nemesis! Basically, this story puts Metamorpho's world back to where it was before New 52 destroyed it. Or maybe it resets it to pre-Crisis days? Zero Hour? Whatever. I suppose it's just a new version of the same old shit. I don't ever remember Sapphire being some creature called Unity but then I've never read every single Metamorpho comic in existence. So it might be new. Or it might be one of those things old-timers read and were all, "Yes! Unity! Never my favorite but I remember her! Or it! Or whatever! I wish I could have a bowel movement!"

The Review!
Was it good? I don't know! Some stars out of another arbitrary number of stars! Let he who is without sins cast the first review!

Legends of Tomorrow #5

Who glances at the cover of a $7.99 comic book and exclaims, "What?! Sugar and Spike! I have to blow my paycheck on this!"

I just need to get through this issue as quickly as possible. These four full issue compilations are breaking me! It's too much to comment on at one time! I suppose I could do each issue separately but then I'd just get depressed seeing this comic book on top of my stack for days as I work through every story. Instead, it's just getting quick reviews of each issue. Hey DC Comics?! I have a good idea! How about keeping the page count of every comic you sell down around twelve! That way I can do these commentaries much quicker and Jim Lee will be telling the truth when he says he can finish the art on a full comic in one month!

That wasn't fair to Jim Lee. He is currently doing twenty-four pages of art per month since Suicide Squad is biweekly. But have you seen his art in those? It's worse than it usually is! So many scribbles on everybody's faces! And he really could use some practice drawing fat people. You know how people say fat is beautiful just to sound like a kind and caring person who obviously isn't in touch with reality, or at least the aesthetic senses of people in the 21st Century? You know it's not true because 99% of all comic book artists couldn't draw a fat person at gunpoint. I don't mean the fat person would be drawn with a gun to their head! I mean the artist, being threatened with a gun to their head, couldn't draw a fat person well. Because they have no interest in drawing fat people. Because nobody has any interest in looking at fat people while reading a comic book. Remember how good Dial H was? Remember how it was cancelled after only twelve issues even though it was one of the best New 52 books? It starred a fat guy. So all of you who didn't support it? Fat shaming assholes. Probably.

I'm going to change the subject before I hurt my own feelings some more and make myself cry. I don't want to get tears in my gallon of ice cream. Although that's probably a favorite hipster flavor: Bone Marrow and Tears Ice Cream.

The Firestorm Review!
In this issue, Ronnie almost tells Jason that he loves him. He comes as close as the high school quarterback can come without completely destroying his reputation, since everybody knows the high school quarterback can't be a huge poofster. Who would fuck all of the cheerleaders?! It's an alternate reality too inconceivable to ponder for long. Anyway, Ronnie tells Jason that he needs him because Stein is old enough to be his dad. In other words, Firestorming it up with an old man is disgusting and Ronnie just wishes he could merge with Jason again. That's the main story. In the side story, Multiplex has turned on his Quantum Field Generator which, for most writers, is just another excuse for adding dinosaurs and monsters to the script. Because everybody knows that "quantum" is another word for "magic" since no writer wants to really research quantum physics and no reader would be able to understand the story if the writer truly understood quantum physics anyway! So instead, it's just a buzzword to make a lot of cool chaos that will lead to the end of the world because obviously, duh!

The Rankings!
You know what? I don't really need to add this book to my rankings. It's a relic from an old DC Universe and doesn't deserve to be in my Rebirth rankings. Even if those rankings contain a bunch of books that aren't Rebirth books, like Scooby Apocalypse and The Sheriff of Babylon.

The Metamorpho Review!
Sapphire's betrayal of Metamorpho last issue came from that place where people with good intentions get manipulated by evil people into doing bad things because it will supposedly make the world better. But the Orb of Ra tells Sapphire she's an idiot and she thinks, "Oh, I'm an idiot!" So she changes her mind about taking the Orb of Ra to her father. But she doesn't change her mind fast enough! Isn't that always the way?! Now she's lost Rex's trust and he leaves her to die alone for some reason. While Sapphire waits to die, she sees Java has come to this world too. She decides to follow him so she can warn Rex. But she doesn't follow him fast enough! Isn't that always the way?! So instead of warning Rex, she doesn't warn Rex at all! Java shoots Rex with his Metamorpho Power Stealing Gun while everybody stands around shocked. It's like they don't know that this is the final cliffhanger of the story! That's always when things look the worst! Except for Sapphire's ass. It still looks really good.

The Sugar & Spike Review!
Spike tells the story about how he and Sugar got into the business of dealing with super heroes embarrassing problems cropping up from the past. By the end of the issue, they own the Museum of Super Hero Oddities. They even have some choice pieces to add to it!

Cheeks!

The Metal Men Review!
The Metal Men have a bit of a dust up with the New Metal Men until the Metal Women get tired of their swinging dicks and put a stop to it. After that, Chemo shows up to destroy everybody! Also, Mother Machine decides she's tired of working from behind the scenes and unplugs herself so she can go do some real damage. She's a bit cocky. She may have been able to defeat The Blackhawks but the Metal Men are...well, they really aren't that much different, really. Kind of the same team make-up, y'know? She'll probably win. Mostly because Chemo should do the real work and kill about nine or ten of them before Mother Machine shows up.

Legends of Tomorrow #3

Gross. Mercury is like a goldfish dragging a turd around the bowl.

The Review!
Legends of Tomorrow is a throwback to DC's old super-sized anthology series. I guess DC is hoping fans of Firestorm, The Metal Men, or Metamorpho are willing to pay this kind of money to support a book with their favorite character in it. I am a fan of the idea although I think DC made a slight misstep. While this book works and the stories being told are probably better than average (or just average which in today's mainstream comic book climate sometimes seems better than average), I think they could really use one solid lead story featuring a character DC knows will sell. Yes, I'm actually proposing they shove a Harley Quinn story in this thing. Or, at least, this would have been the perfect vehicle for The Gang of Harleys story. I wonder how many more copies this would sell if they replaced one of the current stories with a Lobo story? And I'm not talking about Twat Lobo! I mean an old school, Alan Grantesque (or Keith Giffenesque, I suppose) Lobo story! I also think at least one of the four stories should always be a single issue story whose lead character gets rotated out for a different character each month. Just that kind of variety alone would probably bring in more people willing to give each month a new shot.

The Bullet Points!
This book is too long for a normal commentary! It gets bullet points or else I won't have time to eat today. Not that I need food! Thanks to a year of mourning and not caring about anything, I think I have enough Oreo energy inside of me to last a decade!

• Speaking of mourning, the grave of my cat and used-to-be-best-friend-until-he-ditched-me-for-the-comfort-of-eternal-nonexistence is in my backyard. I've turned Judas's grave into a statuary garden with a big wooden fish and a peace symbol made from beer caps inset into concrete and an angel from my Grandmother's house and a spooky human head and a rock with the Cheshire Cat on top of it and a Sailor Moon figure and a Sailor Mercury figure and a Chibi-Moon figure. Last weekend, the property manager sent a crew of assholes to do some yard work around the place. I would have sent professional landscapers but I guess assholes are cheaper. After they were done, I went outside to find all of the statues piled up in the center of the space as if a poltergeist had taken up residence there. Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury were nowhere to be found but judging by the dismembered pieces of Chibi-Moon I discovered, it didn't take Columbo to figure out what happened to them. Who the fuck does yard work and decides not to give any fucks about what is obviously a purposeful installation and not just a load of garbage lying in the dirt? Besides, I keep Judy's grave nice and neat, so they didn't even need to bother with that patch of ground! Luckily for them, I find it more amusing than anger-inducing that such unrepentant douchéstorks live in this world and just replaced the lost figures with another Sailor Moon figure, a Xena Warrior Princess figure, and Jigglypuff. I should probably dig around for more figures in preparation for next time!

Firestorm!
• When we last left Firestorm, I was thinking, "I don't care about Firestorm. Why did I pay $8 for this book?"

• Martin Stein and Ronnie Raymond are once again Firestorm. Fans of old things and nothing changing cheer while they pull their cocks and vaginas and lighter-fluid-covered crosses out in preparation for the return of their apparent savior, White Wally West.

• The Firestorm story is called "United We Fall" because isn't that clever. See how they turned the old adage inside out? You know what else I'd like to see turned inside out? A clown.

• The story begins with Firestorm battling Major Force. Major Force is a hero only by the most technical of definitions and only if you're an American and only if you're a warmonger. That sentence was a sentence I could never get away with if I changed Major Force to anybody in the military, even if the sentence would still be true.

• General Eiling wants to turn Firestorm into a weapon under his control so he made up some bullshit reason to bring Firestorm in. And since Firestorm knows it's bullshit and refuses to comply, Firestorm will now be arrested for the most bullshit reason of all: resisting arrest. That's just something some genius "peace" officer came up with to give them a reason for beating the shit out of anybody who doesn't respect them any time they want.

• Martin Stein and Ronnie Raymond learn to trust each other quickly because nobody wants to keep buying $8 anthology books to see them bicker month after month. Plus we've seen this before many times. If DC has decided they want old fashioned Firestorm back together for some reason, it's best to just get it over with quickly.

• Multiplex has decided that retaining a vendetta against Midnighter is bad for his peace of mind, so he's now venturing forth on a new project! That project is to break quantum entanglement so that every aspect of himself is a pure, unadulterated individual. That seems like a really stupid fucking idea. But then Multiplex seems like a shortsighted idiot, mostly based on his need to attack Midnighter more than once.

The Hollywood Theatre is not in downtown Portland. It's on the east side of the river, dumb dumbs.

• I used to actively avoid any movie at the Hollywood Theatre if I could help it (it plays independent and obscure films, so it can't totally be avoided if you're interested in movies that don't just string fifty scenes of explosions and bullets together) because it was always so fucking cold. I saw I Don't Know Jack there years ago, and handful of other movies since then. Just last year, I went back to see that documentary made by the brother of that guy in The National and the place has been completely refurbished. No more cold stone concrete floors and breezy everythings! Plus they have a pie window now! Although you have to pay for them. You can't just sneak up and steal them as they cool on the sill.

• Firestorm is captured by Eiling and Major Force. I guess this wasn't yet the issue where things turn around and the hero wins. Maybe next time?

Metamorpho!
• Last issue, Metamorpho and Sapphire Stagg were transported to another planet (or time (or dimension (or plane of existence))). This is a fitting thing to happen in a Metamorpho story because he's fucking weird. It's not a fitting thing to happen in an Aquaman story. I mean, I guess it's okay in an Aquaman story because everybody has huge boners and engorged labias over Ancient Astronauts. So why can't the people of Atlantis also be aliens from another planet! It totally makes sense! I mean, if you believe in fictional things and in things that make less sense than rational explanations of those things.

• This story is called "Brave New World." Sometimes, I fantasize about going back in time to stand over Shakespeare's shoulder as he writes The Tempest and say things like, "You sure you want to use that phrase? 'Brave New World'? Maybe something less likely that people will glom onto in the future? How about 'Check this shit and the weird people in it!'? No? Hey! Bill! You know how you're spending all this time agonizing over word choices and characterizations and stage directions? Guess what will be way more fucking popular than anything you ever write? Guess what more people will parody than your Romeo and Juliet balcony scene? You're totally going to lose your shit over this. Ready? 'Got milk.' Seriously. 'Got milk.' People go fucking nuts over that! Twenty years and people still fucking change the 'milk' part to whatever they're doing and believing they're fucking comedic geniuses! Sorry to bring you down, Bill. I like your shit. Keep up the good work!"

• I fucking hate people who add shit to Wikipedia. I looked up the "got milk?" campaign just to see how old it was. And just because I love to wind myself up and ensure that one day I'll die of a stroke, I scrolled down to read the "Parody and References" section. At first I thought, "Well, there's not enough room on the internet for that shit!" But there were only four examples, probably because "got milk?" isn't usually parodied in Anime. But the last entry by some thick-skulled moron who thinks every fucking thing that they remember while baking themselves on the couch is important was this: "In the Daria episode 'Psycho Thereapy', Jake Morgendorffer, when his efforts to get a glass of milk are thwarted by his wife Helen, roars, 'Got milk? Not Jakey! Dammit!'." What the fuck?! Who fucking cares! Imagine if everybody who ever saw or heard one of these "got milk?" references added them to this page, it would be bigger than the rest of the Internet together! How about I add this blurb: "On the freeway between Snoqualmie and North Bend is a restaurant called 'Got Rice' which is a subtle reference to the 'got milk?' campaign."

• Metamorpho and Sapphire meet the Ancient Astronauts who became the Egyptians. I think. I mean, they're awfully Caucasian looking to be descended from Ancient Egyptian Astronauts. Except the one guy who isn't! So maybe I'm wrong. Except Rex mentions they sound like they're speaking Ancient Egyptian. So maybe I'm right!

• How does Rex know what Ancient Egyptian sounds like?

• Kanjar Ro and his men follow Rex and Saph through the interdimensional planetary otherworldly transport. Remember how they want to use Metamorpho and the Orb of Ra for fuel?

• Saph's ass is my new favorite character.

• Metamorpho is, of course, the Chosen One. I would have chosen Sapph's ass but then I'm a feminist.

• Metamorpho and Sapphire learn that the Egyptians were indeed Ancient Astronauts led by a madman named Dagan Ra. Their first reaction isn't, "Well, that's nuts since everything was already so self-explanatory via all the evidence found by archaeologists." Instead it was, "Oh yeah! Totally. That makes sense! The other stuff we thought about the Egyptians was obviously pure hoodoo nutso nonsense!"

• To thank Sapphire for helping him and believing in him and caring about him and having such a smoking hot booty, Rex makes a diamond from his left testicle and gives it to her. She loves it!

• The story ends with Rex, Saph, and their new friend, Princess Neith, adventuring to find the Orb of Ra. I mean, it ends with a bigger cliffhanger than that, of course! But unless I scan the final page, telling you they encountered a Wolvengot isn't really going to mean anything.

Sugar and Spike!
• Now it's time for my favorite part of this anthology! Although I will say a rare positive thing about Legends of Tomorrow: it's telling stories with beginnings, middles, and ends! I appreciate when writers have a point to their stories and it helps if they know their story will have a definite end. Legends of Tomorrow doesn't feel like the kind of book that is just going to keep on and on with the four different sets of characters they're currently using. Either it'll end when all these stories are told, or it'll keep going with a new character whenever one of the current stories ends. I prefer that kind of comic book than one where the writer just keeps writing and writing and writing and thinking up new stories while sort of forgetting what the old story was to go in a new direction that completely contradicts the old story. I don't have any particular Scott Lobdell in mind when I say that.

• In this issue of Sugar and Spike, Private Investigations (Metahumans a specialty), Wonder Woman needs some help sorting a possible embarrassing situation from her past that she wouldn't want to resurface and ruin her credibility. I can't wait to find out which Golden Age story this is about! According to the cover, she's looking for an annulment from Mr. Monster!

• I think this is another one of those secret messages to me! Hi Giffen! Hi!

• The only real issue I have with Giffen's Sugar and Spike stories is that they rely pretty heavily on a great big wink from Giffen regarding the original Golden Age stories (okay, some Silver Age too, maybe?) they're based on. The story relies on the reader knowing about Batman's weird fucking costumes he's worn in the past, or that Superman once made an island in his own image, or that Wonder Woman almost married a monster. Sure, you can read it without knowing DC once told these stories. But I think much of the fun of the series is that Sugar and Spike are dealing with stupid shit that has been relegated to the dustbin of DC Comics history. But that's also what I truly love about them. Before this, when has anybody written a story that flatly states Wonder Woman's near marriage to Mister Monster is fucking canon? Even if all of the other versions of herself were at the wedding!

The Metal Men!
• The Metal Men story begins with the biggest impossibility I've seen in a DC story in a long time. No, not Robotman being a human brain in a robot. No, not the Metal Men being intelligent metal that can change into any shape at all and do pretty much anything the writer wants them to. No, the impossibility is how The Metal Men pick up actual news reports on an analog television set without an HD Adapter. I suppose the part where I said the Metal Men can become anything trumps my complaint since Tin must have simply turned into rabbit ears and an HD Adapter.

• The short amount of television they pick up is about Red Tornado going nuts at Six Flags. I don't mean he's eating tons of elephant ears and corn dogs and riding coasters until he pukes. I mean he's threatening to kill everybody. Probably because he got drunk at one of the adult food stands.

• The Metal Men borrow one of Niles Caulder's flying inventions and leave the most interesting character in this story behind. I guess Cliff Steele doesn't mind since he's more of a reluctant hero. But I'm sure going to miss him! Now the rest of the story is just going to be inane nonsense bandied about by the stupid Metal Men.

• Red Tornado isn't in control of his actions. His destruction is due to a guy named Nameless! He's a clever re-imagining of the real life hacker group, Anonymous! That was a free fact for stupid people.

• The Metal Men, having empathy for another robot, defeat Red Tornado without tearing him limb from limb like usually happens.

• The story ends with the United States Army surrounding the Metal Men to take them back into custody. They should have said, "You're going to capture us? You and the United States Army and what army?!"

Legends of Tomorrow #2

This thing is thick like a proper magazine.

The Review!
This is a weird book. What is DC thinking publishing a magazine like this? Who besides me is going to keep buying a book that costs eight dollars and might only have one character they're interested in? Are fans of Firestorm, Metamorpho, and The Metal Men big enough fans to pay that price for one regular sized story about the character they love? Maybe with an eight dollar cover price, DC can afford to put out a book like this even when it doesn't sell many units. Even though I'm a huge Metamorpho fan and I love the concept of Giffen's New 52 Sugar and Spike, I'm still disappointed with this book. I was really hoping for a format that brings at least two new characters to the table each month. But we're headed into the third month with the exact same lineup! If I'm going to read some kind of throwback super-sized anthology series for more than one dollar, I at least want some fucking variety! Or maybe just fucking! I'll forgive everything if Rex and Sapphire have a sex scene next issue. Although I'll also accept a sex scene between Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rausch. And maybe Sugar and Spike. And definitely Platinum and Superman! Or--and this is my last exception to the Rex/Saph fuckfest--a full page panel of Doc Magnus shoving Responsometers up his ass. Do you want my eight dollars or not, DC Comics?!

The Commentary!
It's fat books like these that take up all of my time and energy so I'm not going to digress much with this one. This one is going to be bullet points all the way down!

• The Firestorm issue begins with Martin Stein forbidding Jason and Ronald from engaging in homosexual sex. He explains that it's unhealthy for them and their community. What an ignorant bigot! He's as bad as Ronnie's mom!

• Jason and Ronnie discover that their beard is gay. Great! Now maybe they can accept their obscene desires for one another! I don't mean that gay love is obscene. I just mean Ronnie and Jason are into some weird Matrix Merging Firestorm shit.

• Jason blows his internship interview because he decides to reenact that urban legend about Rod Stewart. You know the one involving the stomach pump! Being younger, you may have heard it about Bon Jovi, or maybe one of the Backstreet Boys. I wonder if it's been resurrected about Drake yet. He seems the type that people would believe would collapse at a concert with his stomach full of semen.

• Because Jason's stomach is full of Ronnie's cream filling, he can't become Firestorm anymore. Martin Stein was against two teenage boys having sex so he takes away Jason's power. Instead he gives it to himself because I guess he's a member of NAMBLA where it's okay for a teenage boy to consent to sex as long as it's with a grown man.

• I'm disappointed that this might be the end of Jason Rausch and Ronnie Raymond's love story! Now I've got to read about an icky old pervert scientist slobbering all over the high school quarterback? No thanks!

• The issue ends with General Eiling sending Major Force to take care of Multiplex and probably Firestorm too.

• The Metamorpho story begins with Rex Mason calling Java a super derogatory word for a caveman! It's the M-word, if you're not sure which word I'm talking about. If you're still not sure, don't fucking blame me. I'm not the one that decided adults should speak to other adults like they're speaking to children because a bunch of people are afraid of language. You'll just have to be perplexed because nobody is going to trick me into saying "Monkey"!

• By tricking Java (which is easy because he's such a stupid M-word), Rex escapes from Simon Stagg's clutches. Sapphire decides to escape along with him. Probably because of his titanium cock.

• The Yeti story is true.

• Kanjar Ro has come to Earth to retrieve the power source he loaned Simon Stagg. It may or may not be the Orb of Ra. If it is, I'm guessing it should actually be called the Orb of Ro.

• The power source is actually Metamorpho. Kanjar Ro wants to pour him in his ship's gas tank.

• Rex and Sapphire return the Orb of Ra to its original resting place in the pyramid in Egypt and are taken back in time with the other Outsiders. I mean, um, they're transported to another planet. Probably the one where the ancient aliens who built the pyramids are from!

• Do you realize there are people in this world who both believe the pyramids were built by ancient aliens and believe we never actually went to the moon. Pretty much anybody who calls into Coast to Coast AM or is named Clyde Lewis believe everything that is opposite what anybody of any kind of authority believe. So a scientist says something? Bullshit! He's got an agenda! An expert on ancient architecture explains in a rational way how ancient civilizations built things? Bullshit! She's got an agenda! Anybody says anything that doesn't have anything to do with the paranormal or aliens or hoodoo? Bullshit! It's a great big disinformative lie to obfuscate, inveigle, and deceive.

• The next story is the Sugar and Spike story! It's the one I've been waiting for because I love the premise! Two detectives run a business doing jobs for superheroes to clean up possibly embarrassing (and probably Golden Age) past situations in their lives.

• Come on! How can you not love this concept?! Plus it's reintegrating all of that lost Preboot history! You thought the story about Superman creating an island that looked like himself where he hid all of his Kryptonite was obliterated from the canon?! WRONG, MOTHERFUCKER! And if that story is still true, why can't they all still be true! ALL OF THEM! EVERY SINGLE STUPID FUCKING ONE! YES!

• Sugar and Spike is Keith Giffen's next Ambush Bug and Cheeks the Toy Wonder. Frankly, this idea is genius and I don't think I could ever get enough of it.

• Superman Island has been taken over by a young girl and her evil robot toys. And Sugar and Spike's weapons only shoot tranq darts which probably don't affect robots.

• See?

• Sugar and Spike defeat the toys, get the Kryptonite, and escape from Superman Island. But not before they've made a mortal enemy of the robot toys boss, Toywoman!

• The Metal Men are the last story and I've said everything there is to say about them like how they all want to fuck Superman and how Doctor Magnus keeps the Responsometers up his ass and how Mercury covers every field of battle in toxic waste. I think I'll just end my bullet points here. Unless, of course, somebody gets fucked by a Metal Man.

• Or if a fantastic guest star manages to worm his way into the story!

• Red Tornado also guest stars as a villain since he was hacked by the bad guy. Which I probably didn't need to state because isn't Red Tornado constantly getting hacked by the bad guy? It doesn't really matter since he's going to end this story with his limbs torn off. Just like always! Only losers like Red Tornado!

• No offense meant, The Angry Hero!

Legends of Tomorrow #1

This would be a cool looking book if it weren't marred by the Batman vs Superman advert at the top (which I cropped out!).

Rating: 26 out of 51 DC Comics? I guess? It's hard to recommend a comic book that costs eight dollars just for one story. But at least the one story I highly recommend in this book is the one story that nobody is purchasing it to read: the Sugar and Spike story! So if somebody is interested in this book because of Metamorpho or Firestorm or the Metal Men, they're going to get an enjoyable bonus story! And the other stories are competent enough to satisfy fans of the characters. I just don't think this book is worth the price if you aren't fans of any of the characters on the cover. Is this format DC's new way of introducing possibly monthly comic books? Are they going to weigh the responses from fans on Sugar and Spike or Firestorm to gauge interest in a monthly? I personally like the format because I don't mind spending eight dollars (six with my local comic book shop discount!) for an anthology title. I am disappointed that more of the characters aren't changing next issue (or any of them, possibly!). I really thought this was going to be a bunch of one and done stories.

• This is a really long comic book which would usually take me a really long time to read. But now I'm utilizing bullet points! So instead of dozens and dozens of long-winded paragraphs of digression after digression, I can get lots and lots of ideas out in record time! That might not be a positive.

• Who at DC Comics thought Sugar and Spike needed retooling? I bet it was Geoff Johns.

• The first story is about Firestorm which means it's going to be professional grade slash fiction! I'm getting my dick out right now!

• Ronnie and Jason are still sharing their lives as Firestorm. Martin Stein is their mentor. All of the other Nuclear Men from the horribly titled The Fury of Firestorm the Nuclear Men have died because they didn't have what it takes to merge long term. I guess they weren't romantic enough.

• Ronnie's racist, dog-dick eating mom makes an appearance! Yay! Although I don't think she's as racist as when I first began claiming she was. I mean, she's probably just as not racist as then! I don't think that dating Jason's dad proves she isn't racist because she might just like guys with amputated limbs.

• Jason and Ronnie are still using the same beard.

• Jason's big academic rival is a cute little egghead named Littman. That's probably her last name. I would so have had a crush on her in high school. But she would probably be dating some super cool guy taking drama who would later reveal he's gay. Even if she wasn't dating anybody, it wouldn't matter. I would never have attempted to speak to her and probably just stared at her in the library during lunch.

• Jason is having issues with entering the Slash Fiction Matrix. Now whenever he goes to enter Ronnie, he gets dizzy and sick to his stomach.

• Ronnie and Jason must not be too experienced with intimate matters because after they merge for a bit, they warn Martin Stein that they're going to explode. Yeah, boys. That's supposed to happen! Then you just grab a towel and clean up.

• The Firestorm story is going to be continued. Next up: Metamorpho!

• It's about time Metamorpho appears in the New 52. Aside from his cameos in Batman Incorporated which wasn't entirely a New 52 comic book so it doesn't count. Although how much does this comic book count since no matter what DC Comics says, Rebirth is definitely going to be a reboot. Not the typical reboot! I think they're just going to restructure the New 52 characters so that they incorporate a bunch of their Preboot history.

• The Metamorpho story is also just the first of a multi-part story. Couldn't DC find a writer who could compress each story into twenty pages? I want a Legends of Tomorrow book that is all different legends every month! I'm starting to think this is just a trick to make me pay eight dollars for a monthly Metamorpho book with a bunch of back-up stories I don't want to read!

• Also starring in Metamorpho's comic book are Simon Stagg, Sapphire Stagg, and Java. I wonder how many times Java has been reported to HR for harassing Sapphire? Not that he knows any better! He's just a caveman! They didn't have sexual harassment in his time. According to every sexual harassment video I've had to sit through at various jobs, sexual harassment wasn't discovered until the eighties. Until then, it was simply known as being a secretary.

• Sapphire has all the right Daddy Issues to become a star in the DC You!

• Kanjar Ro has decided to come to Earth to do some Flea Marketing.

• Sapphire begins Florence Nightingaling all over Rex Mason. Java gets jealous and decides it's time to kill Mason before Sapphire can fuck him. I mean free him!

• I should probably retire the joke where I mistakenly type 'fuck' instead of the word I was really going to fuck.

• Speaking of jokes that have been used way too many times, the next story is by Keith Giffen! It's the Sugar and Spike story. I hope their first mystery is called The Case of The Fatal Face Fuck.

• Sugar and Spike engage in that kind of repartee that Giffen makes all of his characters engage in. You know the kind. One person says a thing which the reader has no context for. Then the next person responds to the thing and the reader still has no context. Then the first person says another thing that confuses the reader. Then the other person says another thing that makes no sense. They do this for a number of panels until the reader finally catches on to what they're talking about and starts the story over from the beginning.

• I can't quite remember all of Keith Giffen's work since The New 52 began so I'm just going to sound confident and hope that what I'm about to say is true: this is Keith Giffen's best work since The New 52 began. It's irreverent and paced well and funny. Maybe not in the "ha ha ha my guts hurt and I just pissed myself" funny way that 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown is funny. It's more of a kind of Portlandia funny where you watch it and go "That's clever" or "Oh yeah, I've seen white people do that" or "Christ, this show is so on the nose that it's attracting the kind of people it's making fun of to my fucking city!"

• The gist of the story is that Sugar and Spike are detectives who clean up embarrassing pasts of super-heroes. Alfred hires them to take back all of Batman's lamest Batsuits which Killer Moth somehow acquired and has been snacking on. This is a good bridging story for what I figured Rebirth was going to do! This is one-handed, New 52 Alfred dealing with a bunch of crap from Batman's Preboot history. See? Rebirth!

• The final story is about the Metal Men and I'm just going to end this commentary here and read the story. I'll only be back if there is a panel of Will Magnus with a Responsometer up his ass.

• I'm back! I'm sorry to say that it isn't for the aforementioned reason I gave for my eventual return. Instead I'd just like to say something I'm sure I've said before, along with thousands of DC Comics' fans over time: why the fuck would Doctor Magnus make one of his Metal Men out of mercury?! Every time the Metal Men fight, the whole battlefield has to be thoroughly cleaned by a hazmat team!

• The city is currently being attacked by Missile Men and protesters have taken the time to make signs and gather at the edge of town to protest against robots. Christ, Len! You can't even wait until a proper moment in the story to remind the readers that the populace hates the heroes?!

• I'm fairly certain Iron just climbed into Gold's penis. And it gave Tin an erection.

• I guess I should apologize to Len Wein now. It looks like the protesters have been protesting for three weeks. And the reason the Missile Men were dropped on the city under protest is because that's where the government robot lab is located. I guess I jumped the gun yet again! Stupid stories that eventually make sense making me look like a fool.

• Some guy named Nameless can hack into anything in the world except the Metal Men. Which is why he wants the Metal Men so badly he's willing to screw with every military project he can until he's given access to them. But the military knows how to beat him: destroy the Metal Men once and for all! Ha ha!

• The Metal Men's story continues next issue. Does that mean Sugar and Spike get another story too? Or are they the only ones being replaced next time?