Planetary Loves The Authority: Ruling the World #1 (August 2000)

Why is the only thing I can remember about Swift is that she spent twenty grand on a boob job?

Planetary/The Authority: Ruling the World #1 (August 2000)
By Warren Ellis, Phil Jimenez, Andy Lanning, Laura Depuy Martin, and Ryan Cline
Cover by Phil Jimenez and David Baron
Edited by John Layman

I forgot I had this book while I was reading through The Authority. It was released between Planetary #10 and Planetary #11 (or close enough, anyway). It came out after Warren Ellis had ended his run on The Authority and Mark Millar (or whoever!) took over. Hopefully I'll be able to ferret out the reason Ellis wanted to dip back into The Authority enough to bring them to the page one more time. It's definitely a crossover that I think everybody wanted (if not expected) at the time. I actually can't remember anything about it and have no idea where it might lead. So that's the preamble. I know usually my preamble is all, "I wrote a song about a raccoon and possum having a Romeo and Juliet-esque romance but it didn't end in their suicide; it ended in all the cats in the neighborhood pregnant." My brain decided to be more aware of my tone this time and thought, "Let's class this shit up, motherfucker! Reviews are usually boring! Go for boring, butthead!" And then I was all, "But what about my epic nocturnal vermin love song?!" Then I felt a sharp pain in my right temple and decided maybe my brain wasn't fucking around. So boring it is!

This issue begins like Watchmen ended (or, at least, thirty-five minutes before the part I'm thinking about?) with a massive octopus creating havoc in an urban center. Although this octopus has attacked Rhode Island and I'm not sure how many urban centers exist in Rhode Island so maybe it's attacking a seaside town. Also, it probably didn't teleport in out of nowhere. I bet it was summoned up from the depths by the oddly fishy residents of the town. It doesn't have long to live because Jenny Sparks and The Authority have already arrived to turn it into deep fried calamari.

The attack takes place in Judgement, Rhode Island, even though it's an American town so you'd expect it to be Judgment, Rhode Island. Stupid Warren Ellis! What a stupid! Maybe I should blame editor John Layman for not catching this. Or, being that Rhode Island is part of New England, it's just one of those olde time leftovers from when they were a colony. Maybe I shouldn't have even noticed it? Especially when Angie's tits are right there for me to notice. What happened, testosterone? Why did you abandon me in my old age?! Is this why old men become so overly concerned with kids walking on their grass? Because they've stopped enjoying tits?!

Sorry, my gay friends, I don't mean to erase your experiences! I'm just speaking from the perspective of a long time tit lover. Although, really, butts are much better. I should have just stuck with butts so we could all be nodding along while also shaking our fists at those damn kids.

Planetary is also here "helping" out.

Halfway through the battle with the massive octopus and its flying piranha army, the narrative takes a quick trip back to Judgement, Rhode Island, in 1931 when Elijah Snow met with H.P. Lovecraft about a strange vision H. (can I call him H?) had while writing. A snowflake-shaped portal opened before him and he saw the terrible rectum of the universe. When it finally disappeared, he was left with a present from the abyss.

Um. Wut?¹

These eggs were why Elijah Snow was kicking the shit out of The Drummer seventy years later. He warned The Drummer not to touch them and The Drummer went ahead and touched them. That probably means they were full of flying piranha and not, um, you know. That other thing.

Planetary seems like maybe they're keeping a low profile. Or maybe they're just trying to avoid getting decapitated by The Authority's use of extreme violence. Either way, I suddenly can't remember what was annoying me.

And everything's suddenly right with the world.

I think it's okay for artists to portray Angie's nipples because they're actually mini gun barrels and it would be un-American to censor guns. I would love to say it's un-American to censor titties but our leaders have all the ethics and morality of a Reverend Dimmesdale: nipples for me but not for thee. That was his philosophy, right? It's been over thirty years since I saw the movie. I mean read the book. I mean saw the movie with my lesbian college professor while we were reading the book. I'm pretty sure she only wanted to see it for Demi's tits².

Angie breaks through Cthulhu's reinforced brain case with her tit bazookas so that Apollo can slam into the Elder God's brain with his entire body. The Authority loves to kill things in exactly two ways: decapitation and blasting themselves through their enemies. Even Swift does it! I think maybe that's all Swift can actually do though.

Planetary watches the battle from a basement stairwell because they're a secret organization, remember?

Seventy years ago? That's when H. to the P. found his alien space eggs!

Planetary decides they want to infiltrate The Carrier because it's sure to have loads of lovely information for them to steal. The Authority picked up on signals at the fight similar to those they found in the Adirondack Mountains a few years ago. So both teams are beginning to focus on the other team although The Authority don't quite know what they're investigating. They've witnessed unmarked helicopters all over the world in places nobody should be and they have some pictures of people Angie took when the Adirondacks first became a focal point for those unmarked helicopters. Those people are Elijah Snow and Jakita Wagner. Jenny Storm recognizes Elijah from somewhere but she can't quite place him.

Fucking another Century Baby must be like fucking a sibling. It's hot right up until the moment you come.

Meanwhile some serial killer has infiltrated Planetary working on as one of their information analysts while waiting for an opportunity to open a portal like the one that opened on H.P. Lovecraft's basement. He finally found one in Doc Brass's team's secret base in the Adirondacks where the multiversal computer is housed. He plans on destroying the world with it because world-ending threats are the only things The Authority bother with. If this guy were going to just kill a few more scientists (which he just did and The Authority didn't notice at all), The Authority wouldn't notice at all. But killing the entire world?! That's what they do! I mean, that's the kind of thing the thing they do is meant to stop other people from doing. And when the serial killer initiates the multiversal computer so he can kill the world, they notice immediately! As does Planetary.

All that is to say that "the most powerful heroes" and "the world's smartest"³ are about to have one of those good guy misunderstandings that lead to them punching each other in the baggage. Plus a serial killer will wind up without his head. Although Mark Millar isn't writing The Authority here so maybe they'll think of a different way to end the maniac's existence. Something way more creative. And sexual.

Both teams use The Carrier's junction room teleporter to arrive at the site but because Planetary knows exactly where the multiversal computer is, they wind up inside the mountain while The Authority wind up outside. The Authority is greeted with scads and scads of maxi-nano-machines⁴ while Planetary find . . . um, I'm not sure what Planetary finds.

A dead serial killer and, I think, the womb that gave birth to the maxi-nano-machines?

Angie calls the maxi-nano-machines "self-replicating war robots" so disregard the footnote where I said, "Fuck you!", to any readers who thought "maxi-nano-machines" might have been a stupid term. I want to to change it to "super fuck you" because I was proven correct. The original "fuck you" was just me being defensive because I figured I was being ignorant and dumb. But now I'm confident and smart because the comic book agreed with me!

While The Authority tries to decapitate the extradimensional invasion's ass, Planetary tries to cut the invasion off from its head. They figure the war machines are still connected to from wherever they came from via the multiversal computer's snowflake portal and The Bleed. But before Drummer can cut the connection, the womb decides it wasn't done being pregnant.

If this is a literal depiction of a baby being born, birthing babies should be outlawed.

I know that's not a literal depiction of a baby being born because one of my ex-girlfriends when I was about 21 showed me her mother's birth video of her youngest sister. Or at least tried to show me. Maybe halfway showed me? It's not a memory the brain is conditioned to retain. The depiction of birth in that panel is more like if your nose had diarrhea.

Angie connects to one of the maxi-nano-machines and realizes it's called a Worldruler. It was designed to simply destroy every world in every parallel dimension it could find. And it was created by her. Or a version of her, I mean.

This Authority comes from a parallel dimension where the only difference is that everybody's nipples are inverted.

Jakita Wagner dropkicks the womb back into the snowflake where it takes off inverted-nipple Jenny Spark's head. I should probably add that to The Authority Decapitation Counter, right?! It basically counts even though it was Jenny who lost her head and Jakita who did the losing.

Outside the mountain, The Authority finish off the maxi-nano-machines. They then rush in to destroy the Worldruler to find it already gone. As is Planetary. The world is safe again. At least until the next womb slips into their reality and begins laying fish eggs or self-replicating war robots or, I don't know, sentient penis whips covered in barbs?

The Ranking!
At the end of this issue, Elijah Snow recalls when Alex Brass told him that "if you save the world, it will repay you every second of every day." We see the seed planted by Brass begin to grow as Elijah Snow get his first taste of being an active participant in moving the Earth toward a better future. Planetary will not long remain in the shadows doing nothing but collecting knowledge and dust. I mean, sure, they'll continue to remain in the shadows! But now they'll be fucking useful for once.


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Like, um, seriously. Wut?!
² See? It all comes back to tits! And negro eggs!
³ I put these descriptions of the two teams in quotes because that's how the back cover refers to them.
⁴ Fuck you. It's my blog and I'll use language however the fuck I want!

Team Titans #7

Judging by their horrified expressions, Dick must have gotten a larger collar.

Hey, terrible Internet writers who yammer on about how terrible they are but secretly think they're actually pretty good at writing! You might find some hope in the way Marv Wolfman begins this comic book:

"New York City has been known as The Big Apple. And as such, it has its occasional worm!"

I think the exclamation point after worm really sells the line, making it seem like Marv Wolfman is standing right next to me nudging me with his elbow going, "See? See what I did there! See?"

Now, if Marv Wolfman can make a career out of schlock lines like that, who's to say you, terrible Internet writer, can't make a career of it as well?!

I know. I shouldn't be criticizing Marv Wolfman. The man is a legend in the field of comic books! And rightly so because get a load of the title of this issue: "The Darkening Night, Part One: Heroes Aren't Born, They're Unmade!" Wait, what?

I'm embarrassed that I was reading this at 21. Don't purposefully misunderstand me like everybody on the Internet makes a career of doing all the time with everybody else on the Internet! I don't mean I'm embarrassed because I was 21 and reading comic books. I'm not even completely embarrassed that I read this comic book. I'm embarrassed that after reading this comic book, I still picked up Team Titans #8!

Jimenez drew this guy perfectly seeing as how his big line is "Here's yer show-biz right here. I'm Arnold an' I'm gonna terminate ya! Ha ha ha!"

The other gang members aren't much better with their threats.

So basically he's threatening to shoot her through the cheek?

After Nightwing beats up the thugs and flees the scene, the bystanders sodomize the criminals.

"Whatever we want"?! Is that guy crazy? He's in New York, not Texas!

Nightwing gets a major boner beating up criminals and rushes off to find Mirage's vagina and/or butthole. That sounds like the kind of thing I'd generally make up because I think it's funny but when Marv Wolfman is actually writing it, it's kind of creepy.

Maybe I should take a closer look at what I find humorous!

Most of the issue is spent acclimating the Team Titans to school in 1993 (they're from 2003 so it's super different! Also they're from an alternate timeline so, you know, super different!). Some down time is spent on the Troy-Long farm that's mostly just to show that Mirage and Nightwing love to fuck. They fuck so much that Terra is all, "I want to fuck an old man too!" And you know where that leads! More time travel and statutory rape! I think. Understanding DC continuity is harder than understanding why Lost thought John Locke's character arc should be a circle going from loser back to loser.

I don't know why I brought up Lost after all these years. I think I might be bitter. Or it might be because it's on my mind having purchased the Lost board game at an old junk shop a few weeks ago.

The Darkening of the title must refer to the spooky person hunting down future Nightwing to turn him into Deathwing. Since there's only one spooky person in the Titan's universe, it must be some crazy ass version of Raven.

Oh, I shouldn't forget to mention that Battalion swears a lot and continues to try to be the next big character hit sensation of the 90s. He's obviously a tryhard attempt at creating magic with the fans. Too bad Marv Wolfman didn't realize in 1993 that what fans really wanted was a teenage boy who was killed and then resurrected to be super angry about the way Batman didn't bring him back to life. A young kid who felt unloved and was super rebelling against his parental figure? Angst-ridden teens eat that shit up!

Team Titans #7 Rating: Some stars out of more stars than that, maybe even double as many. I can't judge this book by how heroic the Team Titans acted since they aren't technically a superhero team (despite their name!). Their mission to the past is over and now, like every other teen in 1993, they just need to figure out what to do with the rest of their lives. My prediction is they're going to get darkened!

Superwomans #4

Do women who fuck put "woman" in their super-name while the others use "girl"?

Fuck this comic book. The entire comic book was Lana Lang walking around talking to the ghost of New 52 Lois Lane and saying things like, "You're not here! You're a ghost! I need my medication!" But the ghost spent the whole time not exactly saying she's not a figment of Lana Lang's imagination so Lois might be in the same fourth dimensional prison as Lex Luthor. Who can tell? Not me! I was too angry at every word that didn't advance the plot to pay attention. Which is weird because usually I like when stories spend time building characters through slow moments and dialogue. It's just I'd rather not have that dialogue be with a ghost and most of it concerned with being refutations of the current experience. I had enough of this shit with twenty issues of Doctor Fate!

What Did We Learn?
We learned I have no patience for this grief bullshit masquerading as entertainment. I have no patience for Lana Lang dealing with mental illness and grief and relationship troubles and Lena Luthor and some overarching scheme that is so confusing a character named Traci 13 shows up to not explain it very well. I suppose I don't recognize Traci 13 because she was created in 2003 which is right around when I stopped reading comic books and entered The Great Hiatus. I have no patience for the city of Portland that completely shuts down because of a foot of snow because the city refuses to plow or ice the streets and just leaves thoroughfares covered in cobblestone ice. I need to get out of this house!

The Ranking!
No change because I realize I'm probably not in the right frame of mind to judge anything. Except the art. The art by Emanuela Lupacchino is top notch.

New Titans #96 (April 1993)

Red Star’s new haircut is terrible.

The writing and the art which have kept me uninterested in continuing to read New Titans comic books stubbornly refuses to improve. But The New Titans have decided to go all in on the relationship drama overshadowing any actual crime fighting. It’s one thing to have a school of mutants who spend all of their time wondering who likes whom; it’s totally another when the intended reason for the Titans is to make the world a better place. Instead Garfield is involved in a love triangle with Jillian and Tara. Dick is involved in a love triangle with Starfire and Mirage. Red Star and the last descendant of Anastasia of Russia almost fell in love but then she went and killed Red Star’s father right in front of him. Sarah Charles has been pleasuring herself with a much cheaper machine than she normally uses because Cyborg has become a useless hunk of metal. Pantha isn’t worried about any relationships; she’s too busy chasing squirrels, rats, and chipmunks.

I suppose Red Star saves Boris Yeltsin’s life in this issue but who really considers Red Star a Teen Titan? Why didn’t he get his own mini-series for this story? I certainly never cared about his exploits and I certainly don’t care about his transformation to Solar Flare.

The Teen Titans are really limping to their 100 Issue-versary!

Superwomans #3

Stupidly happy while reclining on a cloud? Shouldn't she be sitting on Lois's corpse?

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Another female superhero with anxiety!
Another female superhero with anxiety who?
Another female superhero with anxiety who is also ashamed of taking medication for a mental issue who also has a judgmental boyfriend who constantly admonishes her for the choices she makes!

The Ranking!
-1! Well, it took longer than I thought for me to stop giving a shit about a super-powered Lana Lang comic book. Three whole issues! I was probably too distracted by the super-powered Lois Lane in the first issue and then I was too overwhelmed by the onslaught of words in all of the issues to realize how much I never wanted to read about super-powered Lana Lang. It's already bad enough that she's just another genius (along with her boyfriend and her niece) in the DC Universe. Nobody seems to know how to write a really intelligent character. They just label the character genius so that they can get away with the character being able to do anything the plot demands if the character is to succeed. Hell, Jason Todd even hacked LexCorps in just a few minutes in Red Hood because he knew a genius! And if Lana Lang, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's niece aren't enough geniuses for you, have I got good news for you! Lex Luthor is also in this comic book! But mostly his genius is used to show how even more genius his sister, Lena Luthor, has become! Geniuses everywhere! Oh, plus that thing about Lana Lang suddenly developing some kind of mental disorder. Oh! And she's dying! So major drama there, I guess?

At least Atomic Skull wasn't a genius! I felt bad for him though because Lana called him weird. That was rude. I was hoping she would kiss him on his lips. I mean the part of the skull where his lips should be. What's going on with the rest of his body? Is it normal? A purple flaming skeleton? How does he get busy with the atomic ladies?

Oh! P.S. Lena Luthor is now bald and wearing Lex's green and purple battle suit. Plus she's constantly surrounded by a battalion of Bizarronesses. So this comic book is at least trying to be somewhat sexy.

New Titans #95 (March 1993)

This art makes me incredibly grateful that Phil Jimenez is writing Superwomans and not drawing it.

The New Titans have had a lot of terrible stories in their nearly 100 issue run so far but nothing as supremely terrible as this three part story. Louise Simonson’s writing is terrible. Phil Jimenez’s art is barely tolerable. Nightwing has a rattail. Gar has a mullet. There’s a mysterious gorilla spying around a corner (you can see him right there on the cover! That’s all he does inside the comic book too!).

Normally, if the writing were at least mediocre and the art wasn’t so consistently terrible, I would say the worst part about this comic book is that Red Star is the main character (sorry, Red Star fans. But, seriously, if he’s your favorite? Maybe read at least one other thing with another character in it? He’ll soon be your second favorite character!). The other main Titan is Cyborg and he’s currently just a remote controlled killing machine (which makes him only slightly less likeable than when he’s an autonomous being responsible for his own decisions and lackluster personality).

The “B” story involves Nightwing trying to use Mirage so that Dick Grayson can become known as a playboy just like Bruce Wayne. This should allow Dick to date Starfire in public without exposing Grayson’s identity as Nightwing. Now newspapers will just print headlines like “Dick Grayson and Starfire Are Total Sluts” by Iris West.

Also in this issue? Gar continues to not fuck Tara because I don’t know. Pantha kills one bird, Wildebeest gets blamed for it, and Gar flips the fuck out about it. It’s not like Baby Wildebeest was found with the corpse of the neighbor’s kid in his arms!

I'm going to assume Red Star just doesn't have a handle on the English language.


Short Sword? Why didn’t he take the name Gladius? Oh wait! I think I get it now. Hee hee.


I think Louise Simonson is trying to let the reader know these guys are dumb and/or she can't write dialogue.

These weird Roman henchmen are so dumb that Nightwing defeats them by farting on them.

Did Batman teach him this?

Previously, I've complained that Pantha's tail comes directly out of her butthole. But she's always been in costume so I'm sure many of you have thought, "Idiot, Tess. Obviously it doesn't come out of her butthole! You're just obsessed with buttholes."

I'll take my apology now!

Superwomans #2

The Plot!
A Metropolis protected by a Superwoman needs a nemesis on par with the Lex Luthor of a Metropolis protected by a Superman. And that's what we get in Superwomans #2! Lex's sister Lena Luthor is revealed to be the brain behind the recent attacks on all Lex Luthor's properties. With her troop of Bizarronesses, she's captured her brother and seemingly killed one of the Superwomans. She's also been conducting torturous experiments on the super villains in the prison, probably so she would be able to fit her Bizarronesses with powers like shape shifting and turning people to sand. They obviously don't like being henchwomen though because one of them asks Lana Lang for help aboard Lex's gigantic Battlepenis.

The Theme!
I think the theme is to be nice to your siblings even if you're a sociopathic megalomaniac because you never know if your sibling is also a sociopathic megalomaniac! Is that a theme or a moral?! Maybe the actual theme has something to do with how a society who holds profit above compassion and empathy winds up failing to take care of the people incarcerated by federal (and probably state?) law. Not that a sufficiently dark and terrible government wouldn't experiment on its prisoners in gruesome and terrible ways! I mean, historically, I'm sure there's at least one country out there who did some kind of Scheisse like that. But at least we can assume that a government body won't be super terrible because it's run by people who theoretically can be voted out of office if they fail their constituents by turning prisons into factories which pump out violent criminals instead of trying to rehabilitate convicts. But if you leave it up to a private firm, the only thing they care about is what cuts into their profits! And also the private corporation might be run by a sociopath whose sister is also a sociopath who wants to get revenge on her brother by creating an army of super soldiers from technology gained by torturing the prisoners in the privately funded prison! How many times have we seen that story on 60 Minutes?! Probably a lot, right?

The Review!
Phil Jimenez once again packs a lot of words into this issue. What does he think he's doing?! He does know he gets paid the same amount if he just scripts a bunch of double splash pages full of sound effects, right?! Doesn't he know he can spend the first four or five pages just repeating what happened in the previous issue?! Then he can waste another four or five pages of script with a fist fight! Is he stupid?! Not writing is way easier than writing! I wonder if Brian Michael Bendis looks at a Phil Jimenez script and just shakes his head in disbelief before writing, "Pages 1-3: Spider-man swinging around city. Maybe he sees like a cat or something. Or an old lady through a window getting out of a shower. Page 4-5: Double splash page of Spider-man on ledge of building with head in his hands. Page 6-9: Old lady on phone with friend. Leave room for big ass speech bubbles because I have this great bit I'm writing about a lady who thinks she was peeped by Spider-man. Totally hilarious. I will probably get laid at the next con just for this one bit."

Ranking!
+1! Mostly because there is just so much story! Totally worth $2.99! You can't find better value for your money than this comic book! If you judge your value by penny per word.

New Titans #94 (January 1993)

Ha ha! Get it? A few days to kill! Smoking!

“Smoking!” or “I’m smoking!” is how my friend Doom Bunny and I tag any pun-based or sort of stupid humor. It comes from this kid John who was one of the younger kids at the Junior Theater where Doom Bunny worked doing lights and I volunteered to help backstage. During the Wizard of Oz, we were testing the smoke machine for the Great Oz scene and John kept running into the smoke and miming as if he had a cigarette and yelling, “I’m smoking!” I want to say we made the mistake of laughing which encouraged him to keep doing it but the fact that he kept doing it was what made it so great so it wasn’t a mistake to laugh at all! Christ. That was over twenty years ago and we still say it. I wonder if John has gotten any funnier?

The reason I told that story was to pad out this review of New Titans #94. There’s not a lot to say about it. Phil Jimenez’s art is terrible in that way that some people would think it isn’t terrible even though it is. And the story is bland. I don’t want to blame Louise Simonson for the blandness though! She was given Red Star and Cyborg to work with so how exciting could she have made it? Especially since Cyborg is mostly brain dead.

This story is at least a two-parter which seems a bit absurd given that it’s probably just meant to get Cyborg back to his old self. I suppose that was so Marv could take a bit of a break from this series so he could decompress and find himself after being manipulated by and forced to write pseudo-X-men stories by Jon Peterson for so many years.

Superwomans #1

Superwomans?

The Review!
This comic book has a lot of words and panels in it! You can tell Phil Jimenez is an old school comic book guy by the density of the story in this thing. I mean, he's not that old school! He's really pretty much a young pup since he was born in 1970! That's still a kid! Not as young and sexy and virile as somebody born in 1971, of course! But he's definitely of an age that read comic books written by guys who must have been making about a quarter of a cent per word based on the amount of shit they stuffed into a book. Nowadays most writers make about $100 per word! Some make even more by just filling the comic book with sound effects and forcing the artists and letterers to come up with most of the script! I haven't done an average panels per page count since the first year of The New 52 but this one deserves a look. It's just about an average of ten panels per page! And that's with two pages counting as one panel early on. This thing is packed with a lot of story about women doing the work that needs to be done while a man waves his giant Battlepenis in the faces of the media. I enjoyed it but I still think DC should have gone with the title, "Superwomans, Superman's Ex-Girlfriends".

The Commentary!
The last time I bought a comic book with a Superwoman in it that was not Superwoman from Earth-3's Crime Syndicate was a DC Comics Presents Annual. I think I have two copies of it because my mom also got me a copy for Christmas one year. I read all of my DC Comics Presents comic books a few years ago but I don't remember what happened with Superwoman! I think I might actually have forgotten to read it! I remember she was bald and that's about it. But then, I can hardly remember the story to any of the hundred or so issues of DC Comics Presents I read. I remember The Flash and Superman raced each other in one and discovered that aliens somehow barnstormed Earth with their semen to create human beings. And in one, Swamp Thing had to help cure Superman by cradling his head in his lap. I'm not surprised I don't remember many of the stories because they were all pretty terrible. It's a good thing Superwomans doesn't have any actual connection to the DC Comics of the late seventies and early eighties when DC had mostly given up on quality.

The issue begins with Lois Lane showing off to Lana Lang by holding a tractor over her head. This is the part of the story where everybody who doesn't read the solicits (you know, just me, I think) says, "What the fuck is going on here?! I thought Superwoman was going to be the new Superman of Paris or another sexy country like, um, Iceland? But instead it's Lois Lane?! How the hell did she get powers? Did she report on a nuclear power plant melting down and decided to sneak in to get the scoop and got super powers instead?!" This is also the part of the story where everybody who reads the solicits probably isn't reading this part of the story because they get all of their information about comic books second hand but then pretend like they've read them. Just like everybody who reads reviews of movies simply so they can discuss some other person's opinion of the movie instead of forming their own opinion. Most of those people don't even realize how much of their opinion has already been formed by the ongoing conversation before they see the movie or read the book. I see that kind of nonsense constantly online. People parroting other people's opinions just so they feel like they're engaging in the conversation. I suppose it's also kind of a safety net so when somebody tells them they thought the opposite, they can say, "Oh, well, that was just what I heard." No commitment to the thought! But then that's the cell phone connected society we live in, I guess. Everybody feels they need to have an opinion on everything, even if they have no experience of that thing. Which is why I'm going to read this comic book before I come to the conclusion that it's feminist propaganda meant to normalize the role of women as the main characters in comic books! I mean, what's next? Supercat? Superhorse? Supermonkey! Hmm, I hope so!

This issue is called "Who is Superwoman?" but I think that's rhetorical because page one already explained that it was Lois Lane. I think we're supposed to wonder how this happened. Which is good because I'm totally wondering that!

Oh hai, Bethany!

What does that reporter mean by "and then some"?! Is he suggesting Superwoman is better than Superman?! I knew it! The feminist agenda is to make women better than men! I'm outraged! Except I have to admit that most of the women I know are far better at conducting their lives than I am. I would probably be homeless and living in a Volkswagen van if it wasn't for the Non-Certified Spouse not wanting to see me forget to eat and die distracted in the streets. I'm not saying she's taken over the role of mother in my life! That's gross! I'm saying she's taken over the role of Social Welfare Agent who is also a part-time Zookeeper. Sure, I have my own business and we've had a good life for quite a while now because of it. I'm not saying I've taken over the role of father in her life! That's gross! I'm just pointing out that I probably wouldn't have this business if I was the only person I needed to worry about taking care of. I'm really not that worried about myself! I think I would have done pretty well in that Volkswagen.

Oh! I just realize that sexist reporter's "and then some" might have been a comment on her breasts! For shame! What a pig!

Lana Lang has taken a job as a reporter for The Daily Star. That means Bethany Snow is her coworker, that vile bitch! Sorry, sorry! I'm still so angry at her betrayal of the Teen Titans at the hands of Brother Blood. No wait! I like Brother Blood better than the Teen Titans! Bethany was on my side! Go Bethany! Sorry about the vile bitch comment. I actually, um, meant it positively! Vile bitches get shit done!

I wonder if Lana Lang is going to get super powers soon? It seems everybody with the double L initials is getting them. Lex Luthor. Lois Lane. The firewoman whose name I can't remember! Lana's already a genius just like every other character in DC Comics. It sure would be nice to have some regularly intelligent people in this universe. Maybe even some stupid ones. Can we bring Dumb Bunny back?

Lex has created a giant penis he calls the Gestalt which will sit in Metropolis Harbor being the envy of everybody who sees it. Especially me! I mean, especially super villains! They take this opportunity to cause trouble by shutting down Lex's armor (so he's just like Gordon in the Bunny Armor, is he? Whenever the writer wants, they can just shut down his armor and he's helpless!) and sending the Gestalt toward the edge of the harbor where it will probably crash and kill scads and scads of people. Although some of those people might enjoy getting crushed under the weight of Lex's Gestalt.

Oh yeah! I completely forgot this was a Superwoman comic book.

The ship is too much for Superwoman to handle so she tells Lana she needs her help. What the hell can Lana do? It's not like she has super powers too! I mean, right? She doesn't, does she? Oh man. She does! Apparently she and Lois got powers when Superman when nova around them when he apparently died. Since Supergirl is already taken, I guess Lana is going to have to be Supertramp! I mean Superlady! Oh! Except she's also just Superwoman! So the title really is Superwomans! That's just...dumb.

I guess if you're a journalist or reporter in Metropolis, you also get to be a superhero. Although it's much easier for a print journalist to write all about their own exploits. How is Lana supposed to report on her exploits at the scene? She's going to be a huge failure!

The Superwomans save the day in a totally impossible way so it's a good thing Lana says, "This should never have worked. It totally defies the laws of physics." No wait. Actually she should have just never said that! She should have said, "Our asses make great shock absorbers!" And Lois could have been, "I can't believe that twerked!" And then they could have made out.

Lois and Lana decide to become a Super-Squad of Superwomans! They'll not only control the skies but the media response to the women controlling the Metropolis skyline! But then Lex owns The Daily Planet, so he might just fire Lois Lane if she writes too many Superwomans articles and not enough Superman (Lex Luthor Style) articles.

Oh! Apparently the danger on the ship isn't over yet! Whatever caused the ship to go out of control has actually breached it and is still aboard! The Superwomans decide to investigate. I hope they eventually get comfortable enough to call in Batwoman for help! Too bad they don't currently know her number because she could have helped against the creature they wind up fighting. It turns out the creature was aboard the ship all along and is just another Lex Luthor Bizarro experiment. But since this is Superwomans, the Bizarro is female! And she turns Lois to stone! Or sand! Or salt. Something. Right before Lois "dies," she says, "Clark? Oh god. I understand now. It all makes se...". Then she goes semi-nova and winds up as grit. Bizarroness looks just as confused as Lana when the scene ends.

Next issue: Who killed Superwoman? I think that's a trick question! Lois probably isn't dead. Probably. It's just a hunch I have.

New Titans Annual #8 (1992)

In this issue, the Titans prove they’re not a threat to the people of New York when they’re targeted by Eclipso and cause a lot of destruction battling him to save their own lives. Hmm, I might have meant the opposite of not a threat.

On the other hand, Councilwoman Alderman decides the best way to stop the destruction of New York by people attacking the Titans on a near constant basis is to attack the Titans and cause a bunch of destruction of New York. Alderman for mayor!

Nightwing is only as smart as the writer writing him. Unfortunately in this scene, that writer is Marv Wolfman.

DC Universe Rebirth #1

First there was the Pre-Crisis Universe. Then the Post-Crisis Universe. Then the Zero Hour Touch-up Universe. Then there was the 2000s with about two dozen crises. That became the Preboot Universe. Then came the Reboot Universe. Then the DC Youniverse. Now after Rebirth, it will be the Afterbirth Universe.

The Review!
I can live with this change. I can't say for sure but it sounds like DC Comics is finally taking my advice that I've been giving for free for five years now and decided to go with a really loose continuity. Everything happened if a writer wants the thing from the past to have happened and wants to use it in their story. And since Wally keeps mentioning how he's forgetting things, he's helping frame the universe in a way that defies explanation. "Well how did that come about?" "I don't remember! Because if I remembered, it wouldn't make any fucking sense!" This is the kind of continuity I like. You know what? Forget even that word: continuity. It's history. It's the history of the DC Universe that makes the characters who they are and DC is once again acknowledging it. Let the Fangenders who need a consistent world that makes sense day by day struggle for a change. I just want to be able to read a comic book and think, "This is the world where Shade the Changing Man took place. At least until he got the Vertigo label, I guess! Same with Doom Patrol! I can now have the Cliff Steele who was friends with Crazy Jane and mentor to Dorothy Spinner. Although Booster Gold is still AWOL. Maybe he'll be the final fix to the universe. Actually, if Booster Gold were the Narrator in this comic book and it was Ted Kord who remembered him and brought him back, I might have actually cried. But as it was, I don't really have any emotional attachment to any Flash that ever existed. All in all, I like the direction the DC Universe is headed. I mean, since it's a universe, it's headed in all directions. Which isn't exactly true either because it's just expanding but not really moving! Or something.

The Commentary!
This comic book has a lot of pages for just $2.99! I don't mean that as praise that DC has held the line at $2.99 because they really haven't. They only do it when it suits them. Like with Rebirth! This is like handing out ecstasy at the local Junior High School. You know those kids won't be able to spend their lunch money fast enough for more of that shit. Of course, if the comic book is awful, DC could give this away with free hand-job or digital manipulation and nobody will be back for more. Hmm, even I wasn't convinced by that. If I got a free hand-job with this comic book, I'd ask my local comic book store to order more.

Okay, I'm going to take a serious guess as to whose hand is coming out of that bright light! I'm not going to make a bunch of jokes just to cover for my ignorance so that afterward I could be all, "Oh, ha ha! My guess was so obviously a joke because I totally knew who it was but who wants to read page after page of me bragging about my Grand Master Comic Book Reader status?! My guess is...

Jonni DC!

It would be just like Johns to turn Jonni DC into a dramatic character whose much more important than anybody first suspected! If I'm wrong, I'll never do what I would have said I was going to do here anyway so I'm just going to forget I said it.

The issue begins with somebody talking about a watch they received from their uncle which had been in the family for generations. Is Geoff Johns trying to make us think of things shoved up people's asses on purpose? That would make a good category on Jeopardy. I bet I'd do really well with that category.

The Narration Boxes are yellow and red so I'm going to guess they're Wally West's thoughts. Plus the Narrator mentions meeting a hero and becoming a legacy. Also because fans of Wally West have never been able to shut up about his disappearance from the DC Universe. Are there worse fans out there than Wally West fans? Of course! Look at the barely human monsters who like Deathstroke! Wally West fans are just over-enthusiastic! And whiny!

Nonexistent Wally West has decided that maybe Batman can help the DC Youniverse remember him because Batman can do anything. But Batman is currently obsessing over The Joker. Better yet, he's obsessing over three Jokers! This must be Batman's best day ever! Finding out there were three Jokers! My theory is that Rebirth is going to allow all events in DC's history to be part of continuity. Nothing has been labeled an Impossible Tale. Nothing has been Retconned. Nothing has been forgotten and thrown into the bin. It can all be referenced because it all happened. How it all happened doesn't fucking matter, you nerds! Just let it be! Let it all lie in a big disgusting mess on the floor like some forgotten, vile, stinking Afterbirth. Oh yeah! I mentioned my theory to continue with the three Jokers thing! I bet it's Geoff Johns way of explaining the various Joker-type stories. You have Joker stories where he's just a goofy flirt. And you have Joker stories where he's a dangerous, murdering, maniacal madman. And you have Joker stories where he puts things up Commissioner Gordon's butt while taking pictures. Hmm, maybe that falls into one of the first two categories. Anyway, I think you can probably think up a third type of Joker story better than I can because I'm barely paying attention to anything. I mean, I just farted a really long fart and am still giggling about it.

Great. The tomato goblin is back.

So is this how things stand, DC Comics? If I whine long and hard enough, you'll bring back my favorite character, the original Sgt. Rock? I don't mean an old guy who lived through World War II! I mean the same guy who was in the World War II comic books but is now alive in the modern era after having lived through World War II and all the intervening years without aging somehow. You figure it out! You're the comic book writers! I guess I just have to complain loudly enough until I get my way! Let me practice with some of the things the Wally West fans probably said to get this moment again.

"I will never accept that black kid as Wally West!"
"I can't believe you Blackwashed Wally West!"
"Wally West was my favorite when he wasn't a black and a criminal and not a white!"
"I hate when things change and they're not the way I wanted them to change! Plus some derogatory stuff about black Wally West! Like referring to him as Kanye!"

Okay! I think I got the hang of it!

I know people weren't simply upset that DC brought back Wally West as a totally different colored person (who was black). They were upset long before DC tried to bring Wally back as a totally different person. I guess I just don't understand the kind of love and loyalty a person can generate for a fictional character. Especially one with red hair.

Look, Afterbirth is messy! I'm going to ruffle some feathers here with some real honest facts like how redheaded people aren't actually people but some kind of meat-vegetable hybrid.

As an aside, people should remember a few words as they read my comic book "reviews". Those words are "hyperbole," "facetiousness", and "genius".

Wally is currently in a place where he remembers Flashpoint and probably all of the other stories he's ever been a part of. He's in the DC Afterbirth! Some people call it the Speed Force but I call it the Afterbirth. Mmm-hmm.

Two identical workplace accidents?! I bet OSHA was all over that.

Wally goes on to explain, in story terms, how The New 52 (and stories preceding it and Flashpoint) were huge mistakes that needed to be set right. But they needed to be set right in story terms! So instead of a bunch of editors taking the DC Universe and fucking it in every orifice they could until the Universe oozed from every pore, the DC Universe would have to be set right by the heroes from within! They would have to pretend the bad guys weren't the editors at all and were actually fictional supervillains or space aliens or time monsters who had to be stopped at all costs! It might not return the universe to something that fangenders can make sense of but it will hopefully return all of DC's history that was once lost. It has to be that way because look at what Giffen is doing in the Sugar and Spike comic book in Legends of Tomorrow! He's got DC's whole history as his playground and he's making full use of it! I mean, in Issue #3 he brought one of DC's Impossible Tales into actual continuity! If Rebirth is doing that, I'm all for Rebirth! Even if it means this idiot Wally West is back!

Just kidding, Wally West fans! Sheesh, you're so easy to piss off! It's like taking candy from a baby and then punching that baby to death so it shuts up about the loss of candy.

Chapter One ends and I realize I'm going to be writing a novella about this thing. I hope you're comfortable and have plenty of Oreos to eat while you read this. Speaking of Oreos, I'm going to go get a Ho-Ho now.

Next, Wally visits an old man in a facility for the elderly. If he's tied to the Speed Force, might it be some version of Jay Garrick who's still tied to the Afterbirth so he realizes something isn't quite right with the world?

Oh! It's almost Jonni DC, right?!

Johnny Thunder can't help because he's old and has lost the genie. So Wally continues his search. While traveling to his next destination, he feels somebody else lost outside of time whom he can't reach. Probably Booster Gold. He's been missing for quite awhile and he's supposedly important to straightening out all of these time shenanigans.

Some blonde member of the Legion of Super-heroes has also arrived in the present DC Youniverse to speak with Superman. The Legion of Super-heroes has about five million members and a good portion of them are blonde, so I don't know who it might be. Saturn Girl? One of the other ones I don't know the name of? Infectious Lass? Is she one of them?

Next there's a scene with Ryan Choi so I know Gail Simone just got some bonerses.

Ray Palmer has discovered a new universe that he's dubbed the Microverse! I'm snickering because I can now see "bonerses" and "Microverse" next to each other. Apparently the Microverse has something to do with how time has been fiddled with and The Atom has gotten lost investigating it. He needs Ryan Choi to once again become The Atom and to try not to die this time. Did he die the first time? I don't remember because time may have been changed and I can't trust my memories! Also I've never read a single comic book that had "The Atom" boldly printed across the cover.

The next legacy character to be visited is Jaime Reyes and his mentor, not dead Ted Kord. It's about time New 52 Ted Kord made an appearance as Blue Beetle and not just as some guy considering going into business with Lex Luthor!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've been able to do this again! Although I think I only used to do it when Jaime was in costume.

Jaime flies off to school while Ted is visited by Doctor Fate. Not that namby-pamby Doctor Fate who won't take his job seriously! This is the Doctor Fate that everybody wants to fuck. His voice is so...so...fonty! He explains that the Blue Beetle scarab is magic and not created by a race of aliens like everybody and their animated universes would have you believe! It's more of a Dan Garrett Scarab!

Elsewhere in the soon-to-be soup of Afterbirth, Damian turns thirteen which makes him eligible for the Teen Titans, Jessica Cruz has decided that what would make her costume really stand out is a Green Lantern Insignia monocle, and Aqualad is into boys. Thankfully! I always thought he was a fish-fucker.

Chapter Two ends with Pandora exploding into dust and smoke, much like what happened to Metron and Owlman on the moon. Good riddance! She never played the part she was supposed to have played anyway! I don't think. It's hard to say. All that Trinity War stuff was legerdemain. DC was all, "Look! Look! The Trinity of Sin! This is about them! Or is it about Wonder Woman, Superman, and Batman! Oh, oh! We fooled you all! It was really about Earth-3! Which isn't actually a trinity unless you include it as one part of three Earths. Which you shouldn't because Earth-2 never came into play in that story! By the way, fuck you, you stupid fans! Ha ha!"

They lost a chance at a one night stand is what they lost. And besides, what are Green Arrow and Black Canary doing at the site of Superman's death? Especially Black Canary! Shouldn't she be rocking somebody's face off right now?

Clark White and his family are hiding out in a hotel room trying to figure out where they go from here. Clark runs into the enigmatic Mister Oz last seen in Geoff Johns' run of Superman. I think. He's all, "I sent a blank Superman notebook to Superman! So funny! Maybe! I'm mysterious! Maybe it was foreboding! Things aren't what they appear! Or are they?! Oooooh! I can't say too much! Gotta go!"

On a deserted island somewhere, Aquaman asks Mera to marry him. Is this Didio and Johns' way of saying they were wrong and they realized all the things that they stole from their universe with The New 52? Because I can think of better ways to go about it than by making Mera miserable! Can you imagine spending the rest of your life as Aquaman's wife?! How humiliating.

Finally at the end of Chapter Three, Wally finds Linda Park and asks her to help him. But she doesn't remember him and he fucks off back to Afterbirth. Ha ha! I can't believe some Tumblrer thought this would make me cry! I don't give a shit about Wally West and Linda Park and their "true love!" Those quotes indicate you should read "true love" in a mocking, sing-song way. This story had better come with something a lot sadder than Park not remembering West!

Chapter Four explains who the new Wally West is. He was never meant to be a replacement for old Wally West. And by that I mean, he obviously was but now Geoff Johns has thought of a way to make him Wally's cousin Wally. Although he says that New 52 Wally West is Daniel West's son which isn't true at all. Or at least it wasn't true. I guess it's true now. But since this is Afterbirth, we have to hold both possibilities as true! Because every story DC has ever told has now happened! Even if some of them had glaring errors in them. Like this one I'm reading right now that says New 52 Wallace West is Daniel West's son.

After Linda forgets him and he sees Kid Flash is in good feet, he finally decides to confront the guy who caused all of this to happen (or, at least, gave the mysterious villain the opportunity to cause it). He really should have gone to see Barry Allen first. I know Batman is the go-to guy to solve every problem but when time is fucked up? That's all Flash.

Still not sad. If Wally really does die before this is over, still won't be sad. Might even have a little dance.

The Flash manages to recognize Wally and pull him back into the world. Or it was a mistake and he thought it was New 52 Wally he was rescuing. Either way, it worked! Preboot Wally West is back in the world! Now he can tell everybody about the danger and they can stop it by the end of this issue and the DC Youniverse can turn into the DC Afterbirth! Or it could go another way. It could go the Geoff Johns' way where nothing is really explained but he keeps on baiting hook after hook after hook for ten years telling his story without ever satisfying anybody because he keeps changing direction every year or so. You know, it'll probably go that way.

The Flash suddenly remembers everything thanks to remembering Kid Flash. He now knows lots of things that don't add up or make any sense if thought about for too long. So don't think about them! Just remember that all of your favorite Flash stories happened at some point. Every single one of them. Even the bad ones happened! But you don't have to acknowledge those if you don't want to. Because it's all right there. DC acknowledges that they all exist. All of it. No matter how hard it is to explain things now.

The way Wally West tells the story about the people who want to destroy the universe just make it sound like he's talking about DC's editors and readership. I suppose he could be but that would actually suck because I don't want that kind of meta-bullshit invading my mainstream superhero comic books! Although I suppose the bad guys might just be aliens called "Eddortors" or something.

The last page of the main story has Batman finding the Comedian's button with the blood on it in the wall of the Batcave. Well, that explains why Johns made the first page so reminiscent of the Watchmen.

The Epilogue takes place on Mars where Ozymandias and Doctor Manhattan are having a conversation as Doctor Manhattan fixes Wally's lost watch. It sounds like Adrian, once again, manipulated events to save everybody from themselves. Instead of a giant exploding space octopus in Times Square, he used Flashpoint to change shit so that DC Comics wouldn't go bankrupt. Or something. I don't know. He's way smarter than I am! I'm sure he had a reason!

Green Lantern #17

But the Third Army hasn't been stopped yet. Has it?

I just realized that this blog is work! Why didn't anybody tell me? It's the pace that's really starting to wear on me. What was DC Comics thinking publishing fifty-two titles a month?! They certainly didn't have my best interests at heart. I think I need to outsource about half of these commentaries. And since I'm not a huge fan of Green Lantern, perhaps I'll begin with this comic book! And since my comic book has two covers because it's a fucking mutant, I'll start over by scanning in the second cover and handing the reins to my new second-in-command, the old guy in the cowboy hat that just sits and spits on the corner! I think his name is Francis or Walther but everyone just calls him Cowboy Joe.

This hyar seems to be some kind of newfangled serialized picture book.

Let's see hyar. This hyar picture story begins ten billion years ago. That's an awful long time. Seems like that ain't hardly a number anybody'd know nothing about. Seems purty ridiculous by my reckoning. Some blue guy named Krona has taken it upon hisself to witness the keeration of the unyverse. Some other blue guy name of Ganthet starts wailing like some gigantic pussy all fancied up in ruffles and lavender gloves. But that steely eyed Krona ain't got time for no coward talk. He's agonna watch hisself the keeration of the unyverse and that's that.

I think that mealy mouthed fellow what gave me this book to read says he's gonna stick in some picture hyar or something. He told me to circle the pictures I'd want should go with my scribblin'. He said he'd say somethin' on those so the idjits what read his log won't feel like they's gettin' shortchanged fer want of his usual ramblings.

Krona is advanced enough to see the creation of the universe but not advanced enough to realize that the mere act of observation changes that which is observed? Shame on him!

That thar Krona fella, he witnesses what looks like an untolerable big orifice, gaping huge and spewing forth all the matter of the unyverse. And the hand pulling that orifice wide open's got this ring on its finger. And ain't nobody in tarnation outta have to witness nothin' like this. They's warnings 'bout lookin' at this kinda thing fer good reason. Once all these blue guys put eyes on that mighty hole, ever'thang blows up in their faces. All what's left after this hullabaloo is that blue guy Ganthet and some new space man with an ol' train-yard lantern.

This is Volthoom traveling through time before Flashpoint existed. Does that make sense? If Flashpoint exists across time, shouldn't it always exist? Since it makes no Goddamned sense, I think Flashpoint is just a big myth.

That was the end of all that nonsense. Ridiculous! Knowing what coulda been ten bajillion years in the past. Why's anybody gotta know that? What good is it gonna do, all said and done? "Whoopee! Look at me! My name is Krona and now I know how the unyverse were made!" Now how is that supposed ta put food on yer table? People sayin' they need meanin' ta it all. I got yer meaning to it all! It's just life! It's harsh and it's mean and occasionally ya git yer prick wet or yeah et a really good peach or sometimes yer horse nudges ya in the shoulder in just that playful way he does when yer gittin' so sick and tired of it all. And that nudge is sayin', "It's you and me, Francis. We's all we got and have ya got a carrot cause that'd jus' 'bout hit the spot right now." And that jus' 'bout makes ever'thing all right agin. And ya shoulder yer pack and you pull the boots on over yer blistered feet and ya git the fuck back on the trail. Cause what the fuck else is there? Ain't no God gonna help you git down the trail ta find yer next meal. You trust in god, yer gonna starve. Ain't no "big bang" gonna make life any happier than you alone can make the lot ya been thrown in on anyhow. Only thing I ever learned is more learnin' just makes more questions. And who the fuck has got the time for more of those?

Gettin' back to this hyar picture book, it seems that guy on the cover of this serialized pamphlet ended up in some space prison with some other guy name of Black Hand. I know in my day, you stick a fella with the nickname 'a Black and that usually meant that guy was a righteous asshole. Seems ta be the same case in space. This hyar Black Hand is takin' it on hisself to kill this Green Lantern if'n he don't help him escape. Always a guy with an attitude fucks it up fer ever'buddy else. If'n this guy wants ta escape his cell, wouldn't it be better ta have two fellas thinking up a means of egress? But guys nicknamed "Black" always seem to want to take out they anger on anyone in the room. They's the guys always gotta make sure ever'one in the saloon hears 'em enter and ever'one in the saloon usually takes a nice long hard stare at the bottom of their bottle while he takes a seat. Smart guys already got their epitaphs planned out and none of 'em want ta see it changed to "Bob glanced at the wrong guy. Too bad the bullet didn't do the same to Bob."

Some more of them blue guys but shorter and hairier are also holed up in a space prison cell adjacent to the Black Hand's cell. I think they was wardens got themselves switcheroo'd by the Black Hand or the other crazy blue skinned fellas.

Well that explains what happened to the Borg Lanterns! Volthoom wakes up and POOF! Out like a candle!

Some skeletal looking guy named Volthoom has them blue men trapped in a bubble. He's some kind of first Lantern and seemingly the most powerful being in all time and existence. He's the kinda man can call your mother a whore and ya can't do nothin' but agree with him. Them is some kind of men and thankfully ya don't meet those men much. Oh, ya can't walk ten feet without bumpin' inta tha kind what can't keep their mouths shut even when they aughtta. Them kind is a dime a dozen and the kind ya either punch in the jaw or pay no heed cuz ya know they jus' scared and full 'a bluster. But this other kind of man...well, ya don't fuck with that man. He has power of all sorts and he knows he has power and he Goddamned definitely knows you know. He's the kind of man that don't never get killed in conflicts or confrontations. Usually he get killed by some hot tempered kid what don't know the weight of the man's name and feels a slight that come on without warning. But that kinda kid don't last long enough usually to even meet a man full of real power anyway.

This hyar Volthoom Lantern guy is the space man from ten billion years ago, so he's acquainted with the blue guy named Ganthet. So they parlay for a bit about what coulda been had Ganthet not stuck a knife in Volthoom's back billions of years ago.

So Volthoom is powerful enough to warp reality. He doesn't even need to time travel! He just changes the past through people's memories! Or, you know, something.

Volthoom goes pokin' about in Ganthet's past and starts rearranging his furniture. Volthoom causes them blue men to not lose their emotions because that was one 'a their major fucked up decisions. But changin' tha past apparently changes the future or at least disrupts it. Cause Green Lantern Simon Baz changes to Green Lantern Abin Sur fer a bit while Black Hand changes from dead to alive. And alla that cause them blue men didn't stop learnin' ta love. But then they change back agin fer some reason. I ain't gonna pretend I unnerstand all this science majigger stuff. It jus' seems like somebody makin' stuff up and not carin' how the goldarned universe would really react. Seem ta me the Green Lantern aughtta have turned into his normal self and not a completely different person. But I get the point. Reality ain't quite up to snuff with Volthoom muckin' about in time.

Anyhow, Volthoom has been locked up fer too long and cain't make his change permanent. Good thing cause all this hyar serialized pamphlet needs is some character goin' about makin' all sorts of crazy changes to the way things was. Imagine if this hyar story suddenly had all of its history taken away or changed up on the reader! By golly! What a prank that would turn out to be!

Volthoom ain't quite got the power he had afore he were imprisoned, so he's gotta go drain some mistakes and regrets out of some characters what have emotion since these hyar blue men are logical like school marms. He wanders off to the seventeenth issue of some periodical called Green Lantern Corps while that other Green Lantern fella gets zapped inside the ring of that Black Lantern bully.

Whoops!

Green Lantern #17 Rating: I guess this hyars where I'm supposeta say how much I reckon I liked this periodical. It passed the time in a fair fashion. Seems I could justify givin' it a +1 Rankin', seein' as how I ain't too partial ta readin' but the pictures helped me along in a right enjoyable way. But I ain't got time to read the others in this stack that fuckin' dandy left hyar for me. I ain't got time to wallow in this kid's stuff. Life is for livin' with others, not sittin' in the dirt alone readin' made-up fantasy stories.

Worlds' Finest #9

Power Girl's costume design looks like a wardrobe malfunction.

Last issue didn't concern me so I'm going to just dive right into this one.

The issue is called "Raid" and it begins with some men in black armor raiding Starr Island. For my family members who only read this blog to see what's going on with my life because I never pick up the Goddamned Batman phone to call once in a while, that's the name of Power Girl's Fortress of Solitude. The Fortress of Solitude is where Superman lives! Power Girl is the cousin of Superman. But not the Christopher Reeves Superman you'd be familiar with! This is the Superman from Earth 2. Yes, there are multiple Earths, mom. I don't know why! Ask Stephen Hawking! No wait! I do know why! Because somewhere amidst all of their silly and crazy tales of alternate realities and alternate dimensions, DC decided to get all meta on everybody. They began doing shit like making The Silver Age Flash read comic books about the Golden Age Flash and then the Silver Age Flash eventually vibrated his nether regions in just the right way to shift realities so that he could discover the Golden Age Flash was real and not just a figment of the fictional comic book writer's imagination! And so Earth 2 was born! Pretty soon writers were coming up with all sorts of crazy Earths! Like Earth-C where everyone was a sexy anthropomorphic fox woman! And Earth-S where all the super heroes were related to each other somehow! And Earth...what? No, the characters in The New 52 are from Earth 0. I don't know why! I don't know what number "our Earth" is! Anyway, MOM, Power Girl is Karen Starr and her island is being overrun by probably bad men.

Luckily The Huntress is currently recovering from her injuries sustained in that last issue that didn't concern me.

The Huntress is the daughter of...um, she's just now being introduced! This is her first time I've ever seen her. Yeah, she's cute, mom. Adorable. Yes she's probably a fundamentalist Christian with that cross on her outfit. Her secret power is to go about pointing out the people that are going to burn in Hell and believing terrorist attacks should be blamed on homosexuality. She should probably be called The Cuntress, amirite? Sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass every generation of our family by using that kind of language. I'm sure I did learn it from dad's side of the family.

Even with her arm in a cast, The Huntress heads off to stop the horrible (probably Atheist) men. Power Girl helped solve The Huntress's problems last issue so it's time to return the favor. She engages the squad of five bad gun wielding bad guys with just her one good arm and a brick. Yes, I know she'd probably get shot in the face and die in real life. But you need to have a pretty healthy suspension of disbelief for comic books. I'm sure you did once own a copy of the first appearance of Superman. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure dad did sell it for narcotics and booze. That story totally makes sense, mom. Can I continue?

Turns out these trespassing, breaking-and-entering heathens are coworkers of Hakkou, the Japanese Radiation Eating Monster Man. I'm not going to keep explaining who these people are, mom! Look, if you stop interrupting, I promise I'll call you when I'm done reading this comic, okay? Sheesh.

Let me just put this wig and dress away and move the corpse and the rocking chair into the other room and maybe the old biddy will stop bothering me.

Great! Now where was I? Oh yeah! Power Girl's Alfred means for Hakkou's friends to leave. Big surprise I can't remember her name, hunh?

Wonder Woman has a line of slippers? Or are these cheap knock-offs?

Power Girl's Alfred shoots one the thieves in the face which doesn't go over so well. I'm actually pretty impressed that she pulled the trigger. Usually in these situations, both parties just stand there talking tough while pointing their guns at each other because nobody really wants to take a bullet to the brain, so everybody is extra careful. But this fierce bitch just pops one in the head of the woman that decided opening her big fucking mouth was an acceptable alternative to leaving. I like Power Girl's assistant! I guess it's time to learn her name.

The Huntress catches the part of the conversation where the now bleeding woman called her and her cohorts "repo men". Hopefully she's not going to judge Power Girl for stealing other people's technology when The Huntress had no problem stealing Batman's money. She might feel her theft was justified because she's kind of related to Batman and Power Girl's theft was unjustified because the consequences keep almost getting them all killed.

The Huntress kills time remembering how she got her uniform and how she helped Karen become the island owning corporate giant she has become. She also shoots at the bad guys to keep them busy until Power Girl answers her page from her assistant. Really? Power Girl still uses a pager? I thought only the Batfamily still used those. Unless people still sometimes refer to texts as pages? How would I know! I don't own a phone. It's an easy excuse to not have to stay in touch with that stupid family I mentioned earlier that I hope stopped reading after I stopped explaining stuff!

Power Girl's return to save the day doesn't exactly go as planned though.

I guess it's time for The Huntress's crossbow to save the day again because the super power Kryptonian failed. Again.

Except The Huntress doesn't have her crossbow so she just has to rely on the weaker and less elegant gun. She shoots the bad guy's blaster rifle in just the right spot and it blows up. The other bad guys flee while Power Girl interrogates the man who shot her. Why the fuck are they trespassing? What do they want? Why did that gun hurt so much!?

Oh, don't judge, you hypocritical sneak thief!

Worlds' Finest #9 Rating: No change. The best part of this comic book is the relationship between The Huntress and Power Girl and that was in short supply this time. Some good stuff with the flashback that I mostly skipped but not much else. Nothing fantastic this month but still a good read and one of the better comics of The New 52.

And speaking of The New 52, DC's Channel 52 debuts this week as a two page comic in the back of every issue. It's really just a dumping ground for what's happening around the New DCU and I'm sure it's going to constantly be full of spoilers. But whatever. It's got Ambush Bug!

I hope this doesn't mean he's permanently on some kind of leave from the real New 52 universe.

I was hoping the main reporter would be Jonni DC but it turns out she's Brother Blood shill, Bethany Snow. The other reporters are Calendar Man (whose Case File I just unlocked yesterday while playing Arkham Asylum!) and Vartox, some old Superman ally. Mostly it's just DC reporting what's going on in their various titles. But at least Ambush Bug looks good! I wonder who did the art?