Harley Quinn and Her Gang of Harleys #6

Ending time! One last call for alcohol because I can't read this book without any!

The Review!
Observation: Christians won't let go of any proclamations in The Bible that are against homosexuality. But even though the rainbow is a sign of the covenant with God that he won't destroy the world ever again (at least not by flood! Technicality!), they fucking abandon that shit as fast as they realized it was a symbol of gay pride.

I only mention that observation because the cover had a rainbow on it and I like to needle religious types whenever I can and because typing the observation was time spent not reading Harley Quinn and Her Gang of Harleys. It wasn't much of a reprieve but it was enjoyable while it lasted. Now it's time to read this shit. Although it might be kind of enjoyable since the whole way through it, I'll be able to think, "Only 20 pages left!" And then "Only 19 pages left!" And then...you probably already see the pattern so I'll spare you the rest.

Harley Quinn decides she doesn't want to kill Harley Sinn because Harley Sinn has mental and emotional problems and just needs help. But she doesn't mind killing all of the mercenaries Harley Sinn hired. I guess if somebody is willing to accept money to kill somebody, it means they're mentally competent enough to die. But the person who hired them? That's a totally different story because look at how Frank and Jimmy aren't just having Harley punish the crazy person! I mean, I'm sure some of the mercs were crazy too but they don't count for some reason. Probably because the writers didn't spend any time on any of their back stories so that the reader could possibly empathize with any of them.

Harley Quinn offers to get Harley Sinn help if Harley Sinn loses in a one on one fight against Harley Quinn. But if Harley Sinn wins, she doesn't get help; she gets a job. Which seems like an odd deal. Why not just offer to get her help if she cares so much?

Harley Sinn loses or double loses or cheats or something. Anyway, Harley Quinn tries to make sure she winds up in a place that can help her but she winds up in Arkham Asylum instead where The Joker begins hitting on her. Apparently it's supposed to be a big surprise that it's the Joker talking to Harley Sinn because the reveal isn't until the last page where The Joker finishes the "You may know me as..." statement made on the previous page with "THE JOKER!" Why even bother? Everybody knew it was The Joker anyway! And if they didn't know immediately, they probably knew from the font used. And if they didn't know from that, they probably knew when he called Harley his ex-girlfriend. And if they didn't know from that, well, yeah...I guess it was a great reveal! Then the series ends with a "End...for now" tag and I vomit all over everything and more.

I hate Harley Sinn and this entire comic book and I'm going to need trigger warnings for anything that uses the phrase "Frank Tieri" from now on.

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #5

The palm tree and coconuts as penis and testicles was so hilarious that it needed to be stuck on the cover for added hilarity.

The Things!
• Don't fucking bring me down today, Internet! I'll fucking kick you!

• Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys isn't over yet so I guess I'll say a few things about it before completely forgetting every single thing I said about it and every single thing I read in it and, in a few months, that it was ever even a thing.

• The issue begins with Harley Sinn whining about her shitty childhood. Not that her childhood was shitty. But she made it shitty because she insisted on her parents paying attention to her. Such weakness! I wish I was raised by maids, cooks, and butlers!

• Harley Sinn's father is named Dick Brand. I guess he's a caricature of Donald Trump but that doesn't matter because the story isn't actually saying anything. He was just a rich guy that didn't love his wife and neglected his daughter. Except for the rich part, that could describe all the fathers!

• The Gang of Harleys are fighting robots so Frank Tieri has Big Tony mention the Terminator and Linda Hamilton. Because 80% of Frank Tieri's writing is just references to pop culture.

• Harley Sinn's sob story continues. I don't give a shit about her.

• To defeat the robots, the Gang of Harleys lead them through the Eggy Minefield. The mines all blow up on the robots and destroy them even though two of the three robots were flying.

• Harley Sinn falls in love with her new step-sister which isn't gross at all. It's totally normal. Weren't all the Brady Kids fucking around with each other too?

• The Gang of Harleys eventually find Harley Quinn stuck up a tree with Mutant Goats trying to eat her. So Harvey uses one of Robot Power Girl's boob rockets to kill them all.

Ha ha! I get it! Feeding time! Because it's a boob! And boobs feed kids! And young goats are kids!

After being rescued, Harley Quinn decides to stay on the island so she can kick Harley Sinn's ass. But Harley Sinn has hired a bunch of mercenaries to chase down Harley Quinn and kill her! Actually, she didn't hire them at all. She decided to hold a contest with a single prize payout. So she's really just wasting most of their time. Why would they even apply for this job when 99% of the people hired aren't going to get paid? Harley Sinn really is her father's daughter.

Final Thoughts!
This comic book wasn't too good to begin with and it's just getting worse. Once again, DC Comics decides to make a mini-series six issues because that's the proper length of a trade paperback instead of allowing this series to be over in four issues since that's all the story that's really here. I wonder if DC was hoping Harley Sinn would become their next huge hit? I bet whoever thought of her walked into a pitch meeting and said, "Imagine this: Harley Quinn crossed with Lobo!" Then everybody's eyeballs turned into dollar signs. I hope she's completely forgotten after this series ends. She's terrible and her origin is terrible and I'm tired of reading Harley Quinn comic books!

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #4

Whenever this comic book gets to the top of the stack, I seem to take a day off.

The Review!
I hate the phrases "meh" and "it is what it is" because they're used to say, "I don't even think enough of whatever is happening to put any coherent thought into thinking about it." But, well, here's my review of Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #4: "It is what...no! I can't do it! I can't even do it as a joke! God help me I can't do it!"

The Commentary!
The issue begins with Hannah Borgman battling a Chuck Norris Waiter in Sy Borgman's hotel room. I don't remember if that's where the last issue left off or not. The only thing I remember about the last issue was that Tieri used "whomever" when he should have used "whoever" and Bolly Quinn's parents serve mint chocolate chip ice cream at their Indian restaurant. That's my fault though because I haven't been paying this comic book the respect it would deserve if all comic books deserved respect which they don't and this is one of them. It's not bad in the way Grifter was bad back when Grifter was somehow thought of as a publishable comic book. It might even be entertaining to somebody just wanting to sit down and relax after a hard day of human trafficking or gun running. But to a discerning, intelligent person like I pretend to be, it's just not up to my high standards. Technically, no DC Comics book is up to my high standards. But I figure if I were reviewing Heavy Metal, I'd basically be running a porn site.

Oh, my standards aren't high because they're pretentiously academic! They're high because they insist on some lesbian action! And not any old lesbian action! I need the male gaze kind of lesbian action where you can imagine the two women having sex have to keep stopping and asking, "Am I doing this right? Is this where my tongue is supposed to go?" Oh yeah! That's some hot stuff!

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys probably should be that kind of comic book. I mean, it is being written by two white males who I'm also fairly certain are heterosexual since Jimmy is married to Amanda and Frank Tieri once wrote a script where one character tried to humiliate another by putting gay porn in his backpack. And you don't write that scene unless you're a jerk heterosexual or a self-hating homosexual. So, well, you know. Maybe I'm wrong about Frank.

That wasn't meant to be read as me trying to humiliate Frank for being gay! That was just me admitting that I might possibly be wrong in one of my assumptions. And me admitting I might be wrong happens far less than me actually being wrong! So, you know, enjoy the moment!

The Chuck Norris Waiter battling Hannah says, "You've got heart, kid. I'll give you that. Shame I gotta cut it out now." Too bad this isn't the original script because I bet it would have Frank Tieri's semen all over it as he knocked out a congratulatory wank for thinking up such a cool action line. But even better, Hannah gets to say a line about the real shame that takes about ten seconds which goes along with her kicking a suitcase into the feet of Chuck Norris Waiter which takes about half a second. Now that's the real shame! How comic book dialogue never works with the timing of the action. Also, nobody ever seems to be out of breath after a fight even though they jabber incessantly through the entire thing.

Hannah gets sliced open in the fight and Chuck Norris Waiter gets knocked off the balcony. He'll probably be back because everybody knows people falling off of hotel balconies wind up landing in the pool. And Hannah will almost certainly be okay because the violence in Harley Quinn comic books is cartoon violence. The only people who die are the ones who never mattered anyway or whose deaths simply serve to move the plot along swiftly and in the right direction.

The scene changes to Harley Quinn waking up on a deserted island that's also a dick gag.

See? The testicles are the cocoNUTS! This comic book has the most sophisticated penis humor.

Harley Quinn decides to make some Jaws references because Frank Tieri is writing this book and he loves movie references! He can't get enough of them! I guess if you can't write the character you're supposed to be writing, you might as well just write the kinds of things you want to talk about. Although I wouldn't put it past Harley to be obsessed with Jaws. I accidentally typed Jawas at first and of course the internet is full of Jawas movie posters parodying the Jaws poster. That'll do, Internet. That'll do.

Harley discovers she's actually in a simulation chamber run by Harley Sinn and not on an island at all. Harley Sinn is able to change Harley's world and outfit on a whim. She'll probably end this scene by saying, "Ain't I a stinker?"

Also, Harley really is on a deserted island! I mean, it's deserted by everybody but Harley Sinn who has made it into her evil headquarters. Her Castle Harleyskull has a volcano and robot sharks and corpses on spikes and the simulation chamber. She's either so rich that she can pursue anything she wants (which is to have Harley Quinn as a friend, apparently) or she took out a loan from The Ninth Circle. Now she needs Harley on her team so they can go on a crime spree to pay back the interest on The Ninth Circle loan. Or she'll get lucky and Green Arrow will destroy The Ninth Circle and nobody will have to pay back their loans and all the villains will suddenly find they're debt gone leaving them no reason to continue to be criminals. Green Arrow might just save the world!

The Gang of Harleys track down Harley Sinn's father, Dick Brand, who is a rich guy that totally isn't a caricature of some actual rich guy. So that's where Harley Sinn gets all of her money. Dick Brand decides to help the Gang of Harleys because he's tired of throwing money at his daughter to make her go away. So he draws them a map to her secret island headquarters and they're off to save Harley Quinn. Although there are still two issues left so it won't be quick and easy. Darn it.

The Gang of Harleys encounter some typical evil mastermind traps and evade them. They even encounter explosives shaped like Eggy but nobody even makes an eggsplosive joke! Was I supposed to just assume that was the joke? Stupid subtlety! Eventually they encounter robot versions of Poison Ivy, Catwoman, and Power Girl. So they're probably going to be defeated by robots. Good thing Harley is escaping on her own.

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #3

This comic book was created to increase the number of half-naked cosplayers at Comic Con.

The Review!
Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys is a comic book about Harley Quinn's Gang of Harleys. They all dress in variations of Harley's outfit but are a more diverse group of characters than just white bisexual female clowns. It might be a good comic book for representation if it wasn't being written by Frank Tieri and Jimmy Palmiotti. I haven't done the research but I'm going to assume they're both white heterosexual males. I think this comic book is suppose to be funny but it's just annoying and I'm still going to read it through Issue #6 because I guess I hate myself.

The Visual Commentary!

Because this is all I have the patience for with this Gang of Harley shit.

"Whoever."

Why is there Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream in the freezer of an Indian restaurant?

Harley Quinn and Her Gang of Harleys #2

Awesome! Tickle fetish comic book! Where's my dick?!

The Review or Whatever!
I have jury duty Monday and Tuesday and many other days if they actually choose me for a jury. I don't imagine I'm good jury material though. I'm fairly certain most lawyers, prosecutors and defendants don't really want a cynical bastard who doesn't give a shit about anything except staying alive another miserable fucking day being placed on their jury. Should I tell them outright that if I'm on the jury, I will be rolling my eyes every few sentences and constantly making jerk-off hand motions as people give testimony? Or should I just let everybody be surprised by that? I hope they ask me how I feel about police because I've got a prepared statement for that one! They don't mind people clearing their throats and pulling a ream of crumpled papers out of their pocket to read, right? Do they ask jurors to swear on a Bible for anything? Do courts still do that? How does that keep people from lying? Is the fear of an imaginary underworld full of torture and monsters supposed to keep people from lying in a courtroom that, if there were a God, God would not give two shits about? Human law? What the fuck does God care if somebody lies in a human court of human law?! You think he cares about rational human laws? Have you read Deuteronomy?!

This issue begins with Harley about to get raped by a thug while tied to a chair. Okay, okay. Nobody actually mentions rape. Some dialogue is added so the creep actually says he wants to knock some of her teeth out. But the vibe is implicitly rapey and he approaches Harley with his hand on his belt. And then, of course, there's this panel:

I had to check the cover after this scene to make sure this comic wasn't called Gang Rape of Harleys.

Of course, the point of this scene is for this guy to get his comeuppance for being a sexual predator (or a tooth-knocking out predator, if you're into literal readings of words and not the sly wink-wink reading between the lines thing). Harley Sinn (Ugh. Typing that is my Vietnam) makes sure to stop the violence before it gets started. Harley Sinn is the person who kidnapped Harley Quinn because even anti-heroes need to battle reflections of themselves on occasion. Harley Sinn also might need to find a costume that actually fits her.

Whoops! I think her labia majora is showing!

Harley Quinn believes she recognizes Harley Sinn. She was probably one of the candidates for the gang who didn't make the cut. If this were two years ago, I'd probably dig through my short boxes to find the interview issues but I just don't have that kind of passion any more. I'd figure out exactly who Harley Sinn was and then constantly remind people how I guessed who it was immediately. Maybe I should demote myself from Grandmaster Comic Book Reader if I'm not willing to put in the work?!

Maybe Harley Sinn is the candidate who I wrote "had sores all over her body and is obsessed with death"? Or perhaps it's the one that I described as being able to lick her own asshole? It's also possible she's the podcaster because we all know how demented podcasters are.

Harley Sinn's gang of sex clowns is called the Sinn-dicate. That's so clever that I'm retiring from the being clever business! See how not clever that statement was? Because I'm retired!

If you weren't entertained by the near rape scene at the beginning of the comic book, perhaps you'll enjoy the near gay bashing a few pages later? A bunch of bikers harass Harvey Quinn as he walks by. Why would Frank and Jimmy want to portray bikers as homophobes? That's an awful stereotype! #NotAllBikers.

Harvey beats up the bikers but not because they were slinging insults at him. He beats them up because one of them shoves an old lady down. Now that's more like the bikers I know!

For some reason, Harley Sinn calls off the hits on all of the Harley Gang just in the nick of time! She saves their lives! I mean, sure, after she put their lives in danger. I'm not sure if that counts or not.

If you weren't entertained by the near gay bashing, perhaps you'll enjoy the racist bit where a bunch of youths are assumed to be muggers simply because of the way they look? Oh wait! I guess that bit is a commentary on how bigots jump to the worst conclusion of people based on superficial reasons. And I guess the gay bashing scene was a commentary on how gay bashing is bad. And I guess the near rape scene was a commentary on how rape is wrong. So I guess this is an entertaining comic book after all! And it has lessons to learn! We now know that stereotyping, gay bashing, and rape are things that only jerks do! Thank you, comic book! I'm a better human being already!

Instead of the Harleys all being killed by individual assassins because one of the assassins was killed trying to rape Harley, Harley Sinn waits until they all meet up at Bolly Quinn's family restaurant. Then she has Edna Sinn blow up the restaurant with a rocket launcher. Oh great. So now I'm supposed to believe firing rocket launchers into restaurants is bad too, right?! Sheesh. Whatever. Stupid morality tale.