Dark Nights: Batman The Murder Machine #1

I opened a glorious portal into another world by scanning this metallic cover. Then I put my dick in it.

This comic book looks like the kind of comic book the ten year old version of me would have picked up off a spinner rack because it looked so fucking cool. Then I would have gone home, read it, and learned about disappointment!

I haven't actually been disappointed by the book yet but I'm a rational being who can take evidence of the world around me to help predict the outcome of certain events. Seeing as how this book is written by Frank Tieri, I'm 95% certain that it will be terrible. But there's definitely a 5% chance that I'll love the fuck out of this book because look at the poorly scanned cover! It's Batman as a murder machine!

The most interesting thing about this cover is that Batman doesn't need to be a murder machine to defeat the Justice League. He's done it multiple times before by just being regular old non-murdery, non-machine Batman!

This issue begins with Silas Stone unfazed by hackers breaking into STAR Labs computers.

"Oh, don't worry about that alarm! I have alarms set to alert me to failed hacking attempts. They're going off all the time! If a hacking attempt actually gets through the Firewall, you'll hear a farting noise."

This issue is called "Heavy Metal" and I'm already anticipating big cartoon tits and rippling animated bushes! Speaking of those things, does anybody else spontaneously orgasm when they hear Sammy Hagar's voice on the radio?

Writing credits are given to both Frank Tieri and James Tynion IV. Since James Tynion IV's name isn't on the cover, my guess is that Frank Tieri's original script was so terrible that James had to be called in to punch it up. Or what about this possibility: Tieri's script was so bigoted and vile that Tynion was brought in to slap him in the face with a copy of Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies.

Cyborg is on the Watchtower while he's speaking with his father. Cyborg was concerned about the random ringing noises in his father's lab but he was all, "Don't worry about it!" Now there's some beeping in Cyborg's space and Silas is all, "What's going on? Is that an attack?!" Who hears "Beep Beep" and thinks somebody is getting attacked? Maybe somebody's burrito has finished heating up.

Oh, also? Cyborg is being attacked!

whew! I was worried. I'm glad the Murder Machine is here to help!

Murder Machines don't kill people! People kill people!

Once Cyborg is put down by the Murder Machine, the story flashes back to months ago on Earth -44. That's Earth-Negative-Forty-Four, just to be clear! I hope the Dark Multiverse Earth-44 is similar to the Lit Multiverse Earth-44 because Green Arrow is fat in that one.

I wonder what dark thought of Batman's created Earth-Negative-Forty-Four? I bet he once walked in on Alfred sleeping and noticed Alfred had a sleep erection which Batman briefly considered flicking with his finger. And boom! Earth-Negative-Forty-Four!

The Dark Earths only last for a limited amount of time but nobody has yet mentioned how long that is. I wonder if it depends on the severity of the dark thought? And do they come into existence at the beginning of the Earth's formation? Or do they skew off the timeline at the moment of the dark thought after which shit escalates really quickly for the brief life of the dark Earth? Why isn't anybody answering these questions for me?!

Apparently, the dark thought that formed this world was Batman contemplating Alfred's death. That's similar and just as boring as the dark thought about the death of Batman's beloved children (and Jason Todd) that spawned the Red Death's Earth. I wish somebody would get more imaginative about how these Earth's were spawned! I wonder how Batjoker's Earth spawned? Did Batman consider fellating the Joker?

Just like on Earth -52, once Batman received the powers of another Justice League member (this time Cyborg who helped bring Alfred back as a robot butler/father/wife), he uses his new power to go around killing all of his enemies. It's a good thing Batman is only just as powerful as he is! Look at what happens as soon as he gets a hint of a super power! Super powers truly do super corrupt absolutely!

It might happen a little differently than that but my synopsis is close enough! Here, look at this scene and stop thinking about my skewing of plot points to fit my agenda:

Don't speed walk away from them! They only want to help!

Cyborg winds up dismembered the way all the robotic superheroes always wind up when they're defeated. It kind of makes you wonder why super villains aren't tearing off the limbs of organic heroes when you'd expect those limbs to tear off far more easily than robot limbs. I suppose it's because even Fangenders would find it less believable to keep having to put Batman back together than having to put Red Tornado back together. Although nobody seemed to complain about Alfred getting his hand back so easily. See, editorial? Fangenders will buy into anything! Now start ripping people's arms and legs off already!

Dark Nights: Batman the Murder Machine #1 Rating: Seventeen stars! But that's out of 136, so it's a relatively poor rating. Mostly I didn't find the art pleasing in any way. Also I couldn't enjoy the story because I kept thinking, "Frank Tieri wrote this so it must be bad," which led me to believe it was bad. Was it really bad? Probably! It was about Cyborg! I guess that doesn't technically make it bad but it does make it boring.

Harley Quinn and Her Gang of Harleys #6

Ending time! One last call for alcohol because I can't read this book without any!

The Review!
Observation: Christians won't let go of any proclamations in The Bible that are against homosexuality. But even though the rainbow is a sign of the covenant with God that he won't destroy the world ever again (at least not by flood! Technicality!), they fucking abandon that shit as fast as they realized it was a symbol of gay pride.

I only mention that observation because the cover had a rainbow on it and I like to needle religious types whenever I can and because typing the observation was time spent not reading Harley Quinn and Her Gang of Harleys. It wasn't much of a reprieve but it was enjoyable while it lasted. Now it's time to read this shit. Although it might be kind of enjoyable since the whole way through it, I'll be able to think, "Only 20 pages left!" And then "Only 19 pages left!" And then...you probably already see the pattern so I'll spare you the rest.

Harley Quinn decides she doesn't want to kill Harley Sinn because Harley Sinn has mental and emotional problems and just needs help. But she doesn't mind killing all of the mercenaries Harley Sinn hired. I guess if somebody is willing to accept money to kill somebody, it means they're mentally competent enough to die. But the person who hired them? That's a totally different story because look at how Frank and Jimmy aren't just having Harley punish the crazy person! I mean, I'm sure some of the mercs were crazy too but they don't count for some reason. Probably because the writers didn't spend any time on any of their back stories so that the reader could possibly empathize with any of them.

Harley Quinn offers to get Harley Sinn help if Harley Sinn loses in a one on one fight against Harley Quinn. But if Harley Sinn wins, she doesn't get help; she gets a job. Which seems like an odd deal. Why not just offer to get her help if she cares so much?

Harley Sinn loses or double loses or cheats or something. Anyway, Harley Quinn tries to make sure she winds up in a place that can help her but she winds up in Arkham Asylum instead where The Joker begins hitting on her. Apparently it's supposed to be a big surprise that it's the Joker talking to Harley Sinn because the reveal isn't until the last page where The Joker finishes the "You may know me as..." statement made on the previous page with "THE JOKER!" Why even bother? Everybody knew it was The Joker anyway! And if they didn't know immediately, they probably knew from the font used. And if they didn't know from that, they probably knew when he called Harley his ex-girlfriend. And if they didn't know from that, well, yeah...I guess it was a great reveal! Then the series ends with a "End...for now" tag and I vomit all over everything and more.

I hate Harley Sinn and this entire comic book and I'm going to need trigger warnings for anything that uses the phrase "Frank Tieri" from now on.

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #5

The palm tree and coconuts as penis and testicles was so hilarious that it needed to be stuck on the cover for added hilarity.

The Things!
• Don't fucking bring me down today, Internet! I'll fucking kick you!

• Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys isn't over yet so I guess I'll say a few things about it before completely forgetting every single thing I said about it and every single thing I read in it and, in a few months, that it was ever even a thing.

• The issue begins with Harley Sinn whining about her shitty childhood. Not that her childhood was shitty. But she made it shitty because she insisted on her parents paying attention to her. Such weakness! I wish I was raised by maids, cooks, and butlers!

• Harley Sinn's father is named Dick Brand. I guess he's a caricature of Donald Trump but that doesn't matter because the story isn't actually saying anything. He was just a rich guy that didn't love his wife and neglected his daughter. Except for the rich part, that could describe all the fathers!

• The Gang of Harleys are fighting robots so Frank Tieri has Big Tony mention the Terminator and Linda Hamilton. Because 80% of Frank Tieri's writing is just references to pop culture.

• Harley Sinn's sob story continues. I don't give a shit about her.

• To defeat the robots, the Gang of Harleys lead them through the Eggy Minefield. The mines all blow up on the robots and destroy them even though two of the three robots were flying.

• Harley Sinn falls in love with her new step-sister which isn't gross at all. It's totally normal. Weren't all the Brady Kids fucking around with each other too?

• The Gang of Harleys eventually find Harley Quinn stuck up a tree with Mutant Goats trying to eat her. So Harvey uses one of Robot Power Girl's boob rockets to kill them all.

Ha ha! I get it! Feeding time! Because it's a boob! And boobs feed kids! And young goats are kids!

After being rescued, Harley Quinn decides to stay on the island so she can kick Harley Sinn's ass. But Harley Sinn has hired a bunch of mercenaries to chase down Harley Quinn and kill her! Actually, she didn't hire them at all. She decided to hold a contest with a single prize payout. So she's really just wasting most of their time. Why would they even apply for this job when 99% of the people hired aren't going to get paid? Harley Sinn really is her father's daughter.

Final Thoughts!
This comic book wasn't too good to begin with and it's just getting worse. Once again, DC Comics decides to make a mini-series six issues because that's the proper length of a trade paperback instead of allowing this series to be over in four issues since that's all the story that's really here. I wonder if DC was hoping Harley Sinn would become their next huge hit? I bet whoever thought of her walked into a pitch meeting and said, "Imagine this: Harley Quinn crossed with Lobo!" Then everybody's eyeballs turned into dollar signs. I hope she's completely forgotten after this series ends. She's terrible and her origin is terrible and I'm tired of reading Harley Quinn comic books!

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #4

Whenever this comic book gets to the top of the stack, I seem to take a day off.

The Review!
I hate the phrases "meh" and "it is what it is" because they're used to say, "I don't even think enough of whatever is happening to put any coherent thought into thinking about it." But, well, here's my review of Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #4: "It is what...no! I can't do it! I can't even do it as a joke! God help me I can't do it!"

The Commentary!
The issue begins with Hannah Borgman battling a Chuck Norris Waiter in Sy Borgman's hotel room. I don't remember if that's where the last issue left off or not. The only thing I remember about the last issue was that Tieri used "whomever" when he should have used "whoever" and Bolly Quinn's parents serve mint chocolate chip ice cream at their Indian restaurant. That's my fault though because I haven't been paying this comic book the respect it would deserve if all comic books deserved respect which they don't and this is one of them. It's not bad in the way Grifter was bad back when Grifter was somehow thought of as a publishable comic book. It might even be entertaining to somebody just wanting to sit down and relax after a hard day of human trafficking or gun running. But to a discerning, intelligent person like I pretend to be, it's just not up to my high standards. Technically, no DC Comics book is up to my high standards. But I figure if I were reviewing Heavy Metal, I'd basically be running a porn site.

Oh, my standards aren't high because they're pretentiously academic! They're high because they insist on some lesbian action! And not any old lesbian action! I need the male gaze kind of lesbian action where you can imagine the two women having sex have to keep stopping and asking, "Am I doing this right? Is this where my tongue is supposed to go?" Oh yeah! That's some hot stuff!

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys probably should be that kind of comic book. I mean, it is being written by two white males who I'm also fairly certain are heterosexual since Jimmy is married to Amanda and Frank Tieri once wrote a script where one character tried to humiliate another by putting gay porn in his backpack. And you don't write that scene unless you're a jerk heterosexual or a self-hating homosexual. So, well, you know. Maybe I'm wrong about Frank.

That wasn't meant to be read as me trying to humiliate Frank for being gay! That was just me admitting that I might possibly be wrong in one of my assumptions. And me admitting I might be wrong happens far less than me actually being wrong! So, you know, enjoy the moment!

The Chuck Norris Waiter battling Hannah says, "You've got heart, kid. I'll give you that. Shame I gotta cut it out now." Too bad this isn't the original script because I bet it would have Frank Tieri's semen all over it as he knocked out a congratulatory wank for thinking up such a cool action line. But even better, Hannah gets to say a line about the real shame that takes about ten seconds which goes along with her kicking a suitcase into the feet of Chuck Norris Waiter which takes about half a second. Now that's the real shame! How comic book dialogue never works with the timing of the action. Also, nobody ever seems to be out of breath after a fight even though they jabber incessantly through the entire thing.

Hannah gets sliced open in the fight and Chuck Norris Waiter gets knocked off the balcony. He'll probably be back because everybody knows people falling off of hotel balconies wind up landing in the pool. And Hannah will almost certainly be okay because the violence in Harley Quinn comic books is cartoon violence. The only people who die are the ones who never mattered anyway or whose deaths simply serve to move the plot along swiftly and in the right direction.

The scene changes to Harley Quinn waking up on a deserted island that's also a dick gag.

See? The testicles are the cocoNUTS! This comic book has the most sophisticated penis humor.

Harley Quinn decides to make some Jaws references because Frank Tieri is writing this book and he loves movie references! He can't get enough of them! I guess if you can't write the character you're supposed to be writing, you might as well just write the kinds of things you want to talk about. Although I wouldn't put it past Harley to be obsessed with Jaws. I accidentally typed Jawas at first and of course the internet is full of Jawas movie posters parodying the Jaws poster. That'll do, Internet. That'll do.

Harley discovers she's actually in a simulation chamber run by Harley Sinn and not on an island at all. Harley Sinn is able to change Harley's world and outfit on a whim. She'll probably end this scene by saying, "Ain't I a stinker?"

Also, Harley really is on a deserted island! I mean, it's deserted by everybody but Harley Sinn who has made it into her evil headquarters. Her Castle Harleyskull has a volcano and robot sharks and corpses on spikes and the simulation chamber. She's either so rich that she can pursue anything she wants (which is to have Harley Quinn as a friend, apparently) or she took out a loan from The Ninth Circle. Now she needs Harley on her team so they can go on a crime spree to pay back the interest on The Ninth Circle loan. Or she'll get lucky and Green Arrow will destroy The Ninth Circle and nobody will have to pay back their loans and all the villains will suddenly find they're debt gone leaving them no reason to continue to be criminals. Green Arrow might just save the world!

The Gang of Harleys track down Harley Sinn's father, Dick Brand, who is a rich guy that totally isn't a caricature of some actual rich guy. So that's where Harley Sinn gets all of her money. Dick Brand decides to help the Gang of Harleys because he's tired of throwing money at his daughter to make her go away. So he draws them a map to her secret island headquarters and they're off to save Harley Quinn. Although there are still two issues left so it won't be quick and easy. Darn it.

The Gang of Harleys encounter some typical evil mastermind traps and evade them. They even encounter explosives shaped like Eggy but nobody even makes an eggsplosive joke! Was I supposed to just assume that was the joke? Stupid subtlety! Eventually they encounter robot versions of Poison Ivy, Catwoman, and Power Girl. So they're probably going to be defeated by robots. Good thing Harley is escaping on her own.

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #3

This comic book was created to increase the number of half-naked cosplayers at Comic Con.

The Review!
Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys is a comic book about Harley Quinn's Gang of Harleys. They all dress in variations of Harley's outfit but are a more diverse group of characters than just white bisexual female clowns. It might be a good comic book for representation if it wasn't being written by Frank Tieri and Jimmy Palmiotti. I haven't done the research but I'm going to assume they're both white heterosexual males. I think this comic book is suppose to be funny but it's just annoying and I'm still going to read it through Issue #6 because I guess I hate myself.

The Visual Commentary!

Because this is all I have the patience for with this Gang of Harley shit.

"Whoever."

Why is there Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream in the freezer of an Indian restaurant?

Catwoman #52

Did Inaki Miranda forget that New 52 Catwoman's zipper was broken and could never zip all the way up?

The Review or Whatever!
Let's all give Frank Tieri a hand for taking on the responsibility of putting this cat down. It's been sick for a really long time. Maybe that's why Tieri's stories have been so bland and uninteresting. His style of storytelling is supposed to suggest the act of euthanasia! Damn, he's smarter than I gave him credit for! What a brilliant way to end Catwoman! Just bore everybody reading it until they gently fall asleep forever.

Catwoman's ex-boyfriend from her late teen years was introduced to the readership about one issue ago. He was apparently killed by Black Mask's father and the readers all went, "Oh. Okay. Whatever." Then it was revealed that the new leader of the False Face Society, White Mask, was actually Selina's old boyfriend, David! I'm assuming everybody exclaimed at the same time while rolling their eyes, "OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS!" Look, writers. We've all had enough of the thing where you introduce a new character and then you introduce a new mysterious bad guy and then they wind up being the same person. We get it. You can't introduce fifty new people every issue so that the reader won't be able to guess who the bad guy is. It's not like a movie where you can have a whole bunch of faces in the background and have them all speak one or two lines to the main character so that when the bad guy's identity is revealed, you can use the flashback of that one moment the hero interacted with them and have the hero go, "Oh my god! It was that minor nobody all along! GASP!" I suppose audiences are such that they feel cheated if a story has a mystery element that they never had a chance to guess. Even in the first season of True Detective, they had to have the casual run-in with the killer before realizing he was the killer. I prefer that a movie either acknowledge from the beginning who the killer is (Silence of the Lambs) or just let the identity of the killer be revealed when it's revealed without every needing to have shown the person earlier (I can't think of a movie that does this. Probably a bunch of paranormal slasher films?). Rarely have I found myself saying, "I knew it was the guy in the background tightening the bolts on the air conditioning unit in that scene where they were arguing about opening chess moves!"

Frank Tieri has decided that Catwoman should be a totally unlikeable character that nobody fucking cares about because he begins the comic with her crashing through a window while White Mask fucks two women (with his tighty whiteys still on, of course) and says, "So sorry to break up this little party, folks. Oh wait. I'm totally not." Really, Tieri? A not joke? I get that everything you write you've cribbed from some decades old source to help give your readers that feeling like they're slowly falling asleep in a folding chair while watching another school play where the kids shit all over the source material. Disrespectful bastards. Although now I kind of want to do an elementary school stage production of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. Um, anyway, should I be happy that Tieri at least updated the "NOT!" joke by making it sort of a #SorryNotSorry joke too? No, no. Of course I shouldn't.

I'm left thinking, "I can't believe they've been reunited after all these years! Or, you know, after he was introduced one or two issues ago!"

Several years ago (according to the prologue of this story, it was fifteen years ago. But that was obviously ridiculous, so now it's several years ago), Selina and David were forced at gunpoint to demand thirty thousand dollars in cash to steal the Faceless Mask for Dick Sionis. I mean, they were being held at gunpoint by Dick who wanted them to steal the mask or die and Selina demanded thirty thousand dollars and to not die. Dick, being an awful negotiator, accepted the deal. Although Selina, being an ever worse negotiator, didn't get any of the cash up front. I have a feeling she's not going to get paid and David is going to be killed.

I know he's not really going to be killed! I just scanned in a picture of him fifteen years older! I mean several years older!

Back in the present, a new artist must have taken over and nobody told them that David was in his underwear and Selina had the mask off and was holding the gun in her other hand and had a gigantic television screen in the background.

Black Mask and his men interrupt the reunion as do all of Selina's Narration Boxes. Her boxes provide the same information that is in the artwork so I can't imagine why anybody thought they were even needed. With an image of Black Mask standing behind Selina with a gun pointed at her head, why do I need Selina's Narration Box of "Black Mask is behind me with a gun pointed at my back"? I realize that the reader can see Black Mask holding a gun to Selina! I sort of get that you wanted everybody to know that Selina knew it was Black Mask before turning around. But you took care of that on the other page with the Narration Box: "I hear the voice and I don't even have to turn around." Then you show the panel with Black Mask standing behind Selina and everybody fucking gets it. We get it! We don't need the other fucking box!

I'm fucking sick of comic book writers who should probably be writing something else. Your words do not have to be plastered all over the comic book. Just write the story that the artist should draw and write the dialogue. Maybe write a few Narration Boxes if something needs clarifying, or you're doing something where the words are from present day Catwoman layered over scenes from the past, or at least for some reason other than you can't let a page go without your fucking precious voice being all over the finished product. The product, the story, is your voice! It's a collaboration between you and the artist! Stop making the art less important than your needless words. It's a fucking comic book! They've been around for like eighty years! Trust that there's a reason for their longevity! Take fucking advantage of the medium!

Back to the past, David and Selina steal the mask. They never get their money because David decides to threaten Dick Sionis for more and gets shot. I'm going to imagine Dick was never going to pay them anyway and this is how it would have gone down even if David had kept his dick in his pants. As David lays dying, Selina is forced to leave before the police show up. She storms off saying, "I love you, David." Oh. Well now I feel silly that I haven't given this story the weight I should have been giving it. I didn't realize Selina was in love with this guy! Now the emotional impact of it all is beginning to overwhelm me!

Back in the present, Black Mask realizes the end is nigh so he begins the comic book explication. David's death was faked because Dick Sionis needed somebody to run his criminal empire in Europe. And who better than a thief he doesn't know who tried stealing from him? Perfect! So he convinced David to ditch Selina and come work for him. Oh no! But Selina loved him! Such tragedy!

I wonder how many dozens of people in Dick Sionis's organization were miffed that he hired his new manager from outside the company? Not cool, man.

Black Mask allows Selina to leave David to die just like his father allowed her back in the past! And she does! Again! Ha ha! She leaves for the same reason as last time too! Because the David she knew and loved is dead. Then she steals the Faceless Mask on the way out because it was just lying around, I guess, and that's the end. Catwoman wins again! Black Mask loses like the loser he is! And I'm left hoping this really is the final issue of Catwoman. I can't imagine any of the New 52 books are going past Issue #52, right? I know what you're thinking right now, nerds! You're thinking, "Well, Detective Comics and Action Comics are!" Shut up.

Harley Quinn and Her Gang of Harleys #2

Awesome! Tickle fetish comic book! Where's my dick?!

The Review or Whatever!
I have jury duty Monday and Tuesday and many other days if they actually choose me for a jury. I don't imagine I'm good jury material though. I'm fairly certain most lawyers, prosecutors and defendants don't really want a cynical bastard who doesn't give a shit about anything except staying alive another miserable fucking day being placed on their jury. Should I tell them outright that if I'm on the jury, I will be rolling my eyes every few sentences and constantly making jerk-off hand motions as people give testimony? Or should I just let everybody be surprised by that? I hope they ask me how I feel about police because I've got a prepared statement for that one! They don't mind people clearing their throats and pulling a ream of crumpled papers out of their pocket to read, right? Do they ask jurors to swear on a Bible for anything? Do courts still do that? How does that keep people from lying? Is the fear of an imaginary underworld full of torture and monsters supposed to keep people from lying in a courtroom that, if there were a God, God would not give two shits about? Human law? What the fuck does God care if somebody lies in a human court of human law?! You think he cares about rational human laws? Have you read Deuteronomy?!

This issue begins with Harley about to get raped by a thug while tied to a chair. Okay, okay. Nobody actually mentions rape. Some dialogue is added so the creep actually says he wants to knock some of her teeth out. But the vibe is implicitly rapey and he approaches Harley with his hand on his belt. And then, of course, there's this panel:

I had to check the cover after this scene to make sure this comic wasn't called Gang Rape of Harleys.

Of course, the point of this scene is for this guy to get his comeuppance for being a sexual predator (or a tooth-knocking out predator, if you're into literal readings of words and not the sly wink-wink reading between the lines thing). Harley Sinn (Ugh. Typing that is my Vietnam) makes sure to stop the violence before it gets started. Harley Sinn is the person who kidnapped Harley Quinn because even anti-heroes need to battle reflections of themselves on occasion. Harley Sinn also might need to find a costume that actually fits her.

Whoops! I think her labia majora is showing!

Harley Quinn believes she recognizes Harley Sinn. She was probably one of the candidates for the gang who didn't make the cut. If this were two years ago, I'd probably dig through my short boxes to find the interview issues but I just don't have that kind of passion any more. I'd figure out exactly who Harley Sinn was and then constantly remind people how I guessed who it was immediately. Maybe I should demote myself from Grandmaster Comic Book Reader if I'm not willing to put in the work?!

Maybe Harley Sinn is the candidate who I wrote "had sores all over her body and is obsessed with death"? Or perhaps it's the one that I described as being able to lick her own asshole? It's also possible she's the podcaster because we all know how demented podcasters are.

Harley Sinn's gang of sex clowns is called the Sinn-dicate. That's so clever that I'm retiring from the being clever business! See how not clever that statement was? Because I'm retired!

If you weren't entertained by the near rape scene at the beginning of the comic book, perhaps you'll enjoy the near gay bashing a few pages later? A bunch of bikers harass Harvey Quinn as he walks by. Why would Frank and Jimmy want to portray bikers as homophobes? That's an awful stereotype! #NotAllBikers.

Harvey beats up the bikers but not because they were slinging insults at him. He beats them up because one of them shoves an old lady down. Now that's more like the bikers I know!

For some reason, Harley Sinn calls off the hits on all of the Harley Gang just in the nick of time! She saves their lives! I mean, sure, after she put their lives in danger. I'm not sure if that counts or not.

If you weren't entertained by the near gay bashing, perhaps you'll enjoy the racist bit where a bunch of youths are assumed to be muggers simply because of the way they look? Oh wait! I guess that bit is a commentary on how bigots jump to the worst conclusion of people based on superficial reasons. And I guess the gay bashing scene was a commentary on how gay bashing is bad. And I guess the near rape scene was a commentary on how rape is wrong. So I guess this is an entertaining comic book after all! And it has lessons to learn! We now know that stereotyping, gay bashing, and rape are things that only jerks do! Thank you, comic book! I'm a better human being already!

Instead of the Harleys all being killed by individual assassins because one of the assassins was killed trying to rape Harley, Harley Sinn waits until they all meet up at Bolly Quinn's family restaurant. Then she has Edna Sinn blow up the restaurant with a rocket launcher. Oh great. So now I'm supposed to believe firing rocket launchers into restaurants is bad too, right?! Sheesh. Whatever. Stupid morality tale.

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #1

This "3D" cover is all fucked up.

The Review!
I was prepared to be super duper bored by yet another typical Harley book when I picked this book up. Which I was! So it's a good thing I was prepared for it! No, no! That was a dumb joke! I actually kind of enjoyed this issue because it's got a bit of a real, if a bit trite and cliche, plot behind it! And the Harleys all look super sexy which goes a long way to keeping me interested. Plus you'll never guess the risque nature of one of the jokes about Harley Quinn and Bernie, her burnt beaver! Oh my! It's so delicious! Some of that was sarcasm because I don't think you're actually so stupid that you couldn't guess what the risque nature of the joke might be. Anyway, as far as Harley books go, this one was better than average. So there. Take that compliment, Frank Tieri, and shove it up your ass! Or put it wherever you enjoy putting your compliments. I probably shouldn't assume that you're into butt stuff.

The Commentary!
I put this comic book on the bottom of the stack the week it came out because I'm sick to death of Harley Quinn. It's also possible I'm sick to death of comic books. It's more than probable I'm sick to death of life. Being a cynical bastard isn't all it's cracked up to be. I would like to take joy in things! I want to once again feel wonder! I want to be dwarfed by the majesty of creation! Instead, I'm stuck in a constant state of eye rolling, jerk-off hand motions, and growling. I'm slowly drifting further and further away from all contact with other humans. What's the point? Maybe if other people were as entertaining as me, I'd seek out their company! But instead they're all just a bunch of bores who think I'm an asshole because I sometimes run around the street yelling, "Gi'bert! Gi'bert! Find me!" Why would anybody be upset about me actually squeezing the slightest bit of joy out of something?!

I wonder if alcohol is the answer! I sometimes think about doing LSD again but I imagine doing LSD at 44 is just asking to spend twelve hours contemplating my eventual demise. Taking LSD when I was young and immortal were some of the best times of my life. I imagine taking LSD now when I'm over halfway through life's labyrinth will just wind up with me constantly hearing snorting and huffing and the shuffling of hooves somewhere behind me as I start and look over my shoulder and scream, "WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT'S COMING FOR ME?! PLEASE LET JESUS BE REAL!"

For now, I suppose I can only hope that Frank Tieri completely shits his pants on this script. Pouncing on a writer's mistakes and discussing nonsensical plot points might be the last thing that truly makes me happy. Although reading really good writing also makes me happy! Perhaps I should take it as a sign that I found a copy of Catch-22 on the street while walking to the comic book store last week. It's been a long while since I've read it and it's one of my top five favorite books. Maybe I should reread One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest as well. Maybe I should reread all of my top five favorite books! Although rereading House of Leaves may have a similar result to dropping acid at this stage in my life.

My Usual Top Five Favorite Novels (in no particular order (list subject to change depending on if I'm trying to get laid or not)).
1. Catch-22
2. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
3. House of Leaves
4. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There
5. The Grapes of Wrath

I don't need to list the authors because duh! Stop being stupid. Also you're on the Internet if you don't know. Take advantage of it.

I once saw Ken Kesey perform his weird Wizard of Oz slash Earth Day play at San Jose State. It was a huge clusterfuck that never seemed to end. The best part was when my friend Aaron Voorhees waddled across the front of the stage with his pants and underwear around his ankles. I don't think that part was in the script though.

So none of that had to do with Harley Quinn, probably because I'm not that interested in reading this comic book. But as an adult, I've learned that sometimes I have to do things I don't really want to do. So I'm going to have to suck it up and read this fucking comic book! Although if that's the worst thing I have to do as an adult, maybe I haven't actually learned anything about being an adult.

Christ, Tieri! This is a fucking comic book! Not a...whatever you call a book with too many words in it! A wordopedia, I guess!

I think the Gang is supposed to be diverse and not racist. But it's hard to tell when you're a cynical bastard that can't just appreciate things for what they're supposed to be. So instead of reading about Harlem Harley and thinking, "Oh yeah! Bad ass bitch knows shit!", I read, "Oh? So she's too smart for a black neighborhood, hunh? Harlem is 'inhibiting' her with all of its constrictive black urban culture, is it? It's one thing to say somebody was bored out of their mind because they were so smart if they were living in a small town full of redneck farmers because everybody knows they're dumb as shit (even if it isn't true. At least it's acceptable to say!). But how can you say, 'She was a brilliant young black woman who was too smart to be living with all of those other black people who were just dragging her down?!' So racist!" It's also quite possible (although improbable because I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader) that my cynicism is more racist than the actual text that sent me off on a rant because I thought it was racist.

Oh, and Bolly Quinn's parents own a restaurant? Really? Is that all Indian immigrants are capable of?! I wish it were because I, for one, would certainly enjoy having a lot more authentic Indian restaurants closer to my home. And of course Bolly Quinn is spiritual because she's obviously Hindu and how can you not enjoy being spiritual when you have monkey and elephant gods and a god who can't stop eating butter? I may be an atheist but sign me up for some of that action! Not to mention they have female gods who generally go around topless. Can you imagine if Jesus had been a woman? I might have been more interested in church if that were the crucifix hanging on every wall.

Harvey Quinn's motto is "Be who you want to be" although I suspect there are some caveats to that. Like don't be a dick even if you really want to be a dick. And being a gay basher is right out even if it's the only fulfilling thing in your life. And probably don't be a sexist even if sexists have some of the funniest jokes. And definitely don't be a prejudiced scumbag because nobody likes to be around their dick grandson who can't stop going on about the Jews.

I think Harley Quinn's tits have gotten bigger since last issue. Eee! Is there something Harley wants to tell us?!

The story begins with the Gang of Harleys beating up on the Hipster Mafia. Oh please. As if a Hipster would ever be seen trying to accomplish something. Where does a Hipster Mafia get its muscle? From lifting cans of Pabst and Rainier? The men the Harleys are beating up aren't skinny enough to be hipsters. Although what's a hipster, really? Is a hipster merely a scenester trying to make themselves into the cool scene? I think it's just a label that many people want to fall under but don't want to admit to because admitting to being a hipster means you're not being your authentic self and actually just following somebody else's trends. One thing I do know, if you want to vomit, you might just want to read the top definition of hipster in the Urban Dictionary. Holy shit, the person who wrote that entry doth protest too much! Or something. Did I use that quote right? I bet if I were a hipster, I would know! According to that definition, they're the smartest and bestest at everything! I didn't realize how much we all depended on them!

Harley defeats the Hipster Mafia by poisoning one with milk and threatening the others. I didn't realize milk was to hipsters as garlic is to vampires. Of course, I'm still just confused by what a hipster is. That Urban Dictionary definition really didn't help. I think a hipster is just anybody you find annoying.

Harley gets kidnapped after the battle and after accusing her teammates of trying too hard to be like Harley, even though Harley is the one who gave them all Harley-themed names. The kidnapping is just a big fake-out to get the Gang of Harleys to prove themselves.

Obligatory beaver joke. Also, remember how her rooster's name is Mike! Ha ha!

But wait! There's a big twist where the fake kidnapping becomes a real kidnapping! And then the new and real kidnapper reveals herself as...no. NO! I can't bring myself to say it. It's too stupid to mention. I'm going to go drink some Clorox drain cleaner now so I can forget that I ever read it. Is drinking Clorox good for forgetting things? I forget.

Catwoman #51

Is this another book that's going to be taking cues from the current crop of DC television shows? Is Baby Catwoman going to be the focus of this story?

The Review
Catwoman has been bad since The New 52 began. Although when she wasn't Catwoman but Mafiawoman, she was actually well written. It's just I'm not comfortable thinking of Genevieve Valentine's run as part of the Catwoman series since she wasn't really doing much Catwomanning. I wouldn't say it's bad now but it's mediocre and underwhelming. But at least Tieri fills it with pop culture references so every few pages, I can think, "Hey! I get that reference. I'm so smart and filled with useless garbage."

The Commentary
I feel sick. I just saw the preview for Me Before You. I think it may have done some serious long-term damage to one of my more important internal organs. I suppose what the world needs now is a movie where a dying man teaches a girl who seems to be living life just fine how to really fucking live the fuck out of life. Because what an independent, carefree, cute, young woman really needs is a sour, grumpy, rich man in a wheelchair who only has six months left to live giving her the proper perspective on life. How is she supposed to live a full life if she's never fallen in love with a man who can offer her no future?! Although he is rich and dying so I might be wrong about offering her no future. He may in fact be offering her the greatest future in the world: financial independence at a young age without any intimate ties! After that commercial, there was a spot for the Ben-Hur remake and I seriously thought Morgan Freeman called the main character "Ben-Wa" before I realized what the movie was.

I also feel sick because my new downstairs neighbor seems to have taken the words of the little man from another place to heart. Whenever they're awake, they've got music playing and I can't fucking concentrate because I've got a thing about noise. That thing is that I don't like it when I'm not making it. It's weird that I can tune out any music or television the Non-Certified Spouse is enjoying but I get filled with a primal rage if I can hear anybody else's noises! That's probably a normal thing, right? Wishing that other people didn't exist? To drown out their music, I've got Graveyard of Horror on Comet TV playing at full volume. The worst part is they play music at night as well so now I think it's time to hook up the Dance, Dance Revolution to the television over their bedroom and completely fuck up their life. I'm nothing if not filled with the need for retribution against the slightest of transgressions against me.

This month in Catwoman, Black Mask's father is dying. And wouldn't you know it, Selina Kyle has a history with him and his involvement in secret societies! She must have been really young when she got involved in that mess, right? Like about the age she is in Gotham! If they're going to go through with this kind of flashback, there'd better be a roller rink sequence with her and Bruce Wayne.

The bonus story in Issue #50 proclaimed the story took place fifteen years in the past which was obviously ridiculous. That would probably have put Selina even younger than the age she is in Gotham and yet she was no more than fifteen and probably more like eighteen. This issue has a flashback to Selina at about the same age but proclaims it takes place "Several Years Ago". So somebody tried to straighten up that mess. Anyway, in the flashback, Selina and her brother are committing credit card fraud by using Dick Sionis's credit card. Unless maybe David isn't Selina's brother. They seem a bit too touchy-feely to be siblings. From my experience, siblings usually go their whole lives without touching in any way at all.

In the flashback, Selina and David sell a necklace to Louie who was overweight in the present so guess what? He's constantly eating! His entire character development in the flashback is about how he eats so much! And every shot of him, he's got a sandwich stuffed in his mouth. Ha ha! It's always so funny how writers have to point out that fat people eat! Usually, writers just allow the readers to assume certain things about characters. We assume they go to the bathroom even though it's rarely ever shown. We assume they breathe even if they rarely exclaim, "I'd better take another breath now before I die!" And we assume they eat and drink enough to maintain life functions. But if a character is fat?! Well, obviously they must be eating in every fucking scene. I thought this whole "fat characters must always be shown with their thoughts consumed by food" was a thing that went out sometime in the eighties. I just saw an episode of Mork and Mindy yesterday where two little girls came by to see Mork and one of them was pudgy. So what were her lines? "Do you have any ice cream you're not using?" And then she left the scene to spend most of it off-camera in the kitchen. The next time she appears, she's scarfing down a huge turkey leg and proclaiming that Mindy is out of some kind of food. I didn't commit it to memory because I didn't think I was going to mention it in a commentary. I know! My mistake! I mention everything in these stupid commentaries! Anyway, I guess some writers still think fat people are fat because they're constantly shoving food down their face, even in situations where they normally wouldn't be shoving food in their face. At the very least, they always have some food in their pockets that can be used to move the plot along.

Does Kyle have to carry his racket everywhere he goes? I doubt he'll find a tennis game in the woods.

In the present, Catwoman has decided to steal Dick's Faceless Mask but the False Face Society gets to it first. Luckily she's teamed up with Alice Tesla and has lots of new technology to work with. So of course she's got a mini-tracking device which she can stick on White Mask, the new False Face Society's leader (clever, right?! Black Mask. White Mask!), Batman style.

Once more, Frank Tieri can't go more than two pages without referencing something--anything!--from popular culture. So he makes sure to mention Field of Dreams because CORNFIELD! And then he makes sure to mention Eyes Wide Shut because GATHERING OF MASKED PEOPLE! He's so clever with the seventeen to twenty-seven year old references!

The big shocker is that White Mask is actually...DAVID?! Oh no! Not that guy I know nothing about who Tieri assures me means a lot to Selina!

Later Black Mask kills his father and a bunch of hospital staff in a big Sleepaway Camp shocker!

Catwoman #47

I would never make a fart joke about this cover. Possibly a shart joke though.

Some people might disagree with me but I think the saddest moment on American television was that episode of 90210 which was advertised as a story about the suicide of one of the original cast members! Everybody who didn't know me was going crazy wondering which character it would be! Would Dylan finally snap?! What about Brenda?! But I simply saw the commercial and thought, "Great. They're going to bring back David Silver's best friend from the first season just so he can blow his brains out!" Which, of course, it was. David Silver's best friend whom he ditched to become a cool main character instead of a nerdy underclassmen punching bag. Why not bring him back for the most depressing event ever?! Have him point out to David how he stopped being his friend and left him alone to navigate the perilous waters of Beverly Hills High! Of course he killed himself! Just like Ryan Seacrest's co-host from the first season of American Idol probably put a gun in his mouth too! I don't even have to look that up. I'm positive that's what happened to that guy.

My mind is on sad things because Frank Tieri is now writing Catwoman. The most positive thing I can say about this creative change is that at least it's not Ann Nocenti. I should probably think up some good ways to describe horrible writing before I dive into the story! I've probably used the shit analogy far too many times. And I've often questioned the decisions of artist's parents to procreate, so I shouldn't do much more of that. Besides, it's a comment like that which got me blocked by Cullen Bunn on Twitter. How was I supposed to know that he spends his free time searching for tweets containing his own name?! It's not like I direct messaged him or hashtagged him or at-symbolled him! Are those things? They kind of sound like sex acts.

This issue takes place in Brooklyn because Catwoman obviously wants to get Harley Quinn to guest star in her comic book for a bump in sales. The opening scene takes place at Club Odessa which is a coincidence because in my last commentary I transcribed a letter from my friend Odessa! Um, I mean "Otessa"! That's what I called her to preserve her anonymity! Just like I call myself Tess instead of Jeff!

Catwoman has decided to rob a dangerous Russian mobster named Nikolai the Bear in the middle of ladies night at his club.

I really want to get started attacking the writing but let's start with the art! When I burgle an office, I almost always take a moment to pose sexily on the desk.

Catwoman is caught in the act. Serves her right robbing the club while it was open. Now she's going to have to dodge Russian mob bullets! And probably fistfight Nikolai the Bear! If she knew him better, she might fuckfight him. But I think she's still hung up on Batman.

Since I took a shot at the art earlier without sincerely commenting on the art but on the composition, let me say that I'm actually enjoying it. Especially this look on Selina's face during the fistfight:

So what are a concrete wall's vulnerabilities?

As Nikolai rolls on the ground and grabs his balls which is the only thing a guy can do when he's been kicked in them (it's some kind of natural instinct or something), Catwoman begins dodging those Russian bullets I predicted earlier! Then she escapes by crashing through a window and, presumably, landing on her feet and running away hissing.

Later, the art isn't as good. I think maybe Inaki rushed a few pages when Seleni meets to eat pizza with a big fat hairy guy. His name is Louis the Mustache and he's Selina's fence. She says he's been her fence since she was a teenager but the fence she was with when this comic book began didn't have a mustache! Also she died. But maybe Selina was only using that fence because Louis the Mustache had moved to Brooklyn.

This is the kind of family I love! The kind I never knew existed and never tries to get into contact!

I don't know what's up with Selina's make-up. Maybe her goggles are just on too tight and breaking all the blood vessels around her eyes.

Louis has another job for her. Not only is it another job, it's THE JOB! It's a career-ender! It's stealing the Frost Diamond and it's the biggest job Selina could ever think of doing which is the perfect first story arc to make Frank Tieri think, "Oh fuck. Now how do I make the next job more exciting?!" But Louis says the client doesn't want his identity to be known which is a dealbreaker for Selina for some reason. I don't know why! She's just stealing something to sell to her fence! She isn't a bounty hunter! Why the fuck does she care who's getting the jewels? I guess she has a Code just like Twat Lobo.

Selina refuses but then Louis the Mustache says that he's dying. Oh no! Not Louis the Mustache! He means so much to Selina! If you don't believe me, reread that previous panel I scanned! See? He's family! This is so sad! He only has two years which is...well, that's not so bad, right?! Two years! That's still a lot of Catwoman story arcs! By the time two years comes around, Frank Tieri will be off the book and maybe the next writer will forget about the stomach cancer altogether! Hell, the next writer will probably just forget about Louis himself!

The Frost Diamond is the biggest black diamond ever which is totally fucking untrue and Selina knows it! I'm surprised she'd have anything to do with a black diamond after her last brush with one.

Why is she reading about the Front Diamond? Isn't it the Frost Diamond she's after?! I'm confused!

Selina is still working with Alice Tesla which is probably where she got her high tech goggles. Alice is a young wunderkind who can do anything with technology. She also says stupid things like "To paraphrase Mister Miyagi...lights on...lights off." Are you fucking kidding me?! If the quote is "wax on, wax off," you can't just change the verb and say you're paraphrasing a movie quote! You're just saying something completely different! Besides, what makes Alice think she needed to even fucking mention Mister Miyagi in this context? Just fucking say, "Lights out, motherfuckers! BOO-YAH BITCHES! Alice Tesla in da hizz-ouse!"

That wasn't any better, was it? I feel dirty.

Catwoman easily steals the Frost Diamond and delivers it to Louis the Mustache who probably should have gotten a second opinion.

Two years?! It was more like two pages!

Six cops bust through the door before Catwoman can get away. I know what you're thinking. "That must have been a big door!" No, no. It was a regular size door and even though Catwoman was already halfway out of the window, six cops get the jump on her before she can jump herself. Which seems a bit ridiculous when earlier she crashed through a plate glass window at even higher up while being shot at by Russians. This time she just decides to give up. Coward!

Catwoman #47 Rating: -5 Ranking. It actually wasn't "-5 Ranking" bad but I just can't allow a Frank Tieri book to continue at the same spot as a Genevieve Valentine book. But it also wasn't good so I don't mind lowering it. It was simply standard comic book fare. Catwoman burgles. Catwoman's fence dies. Catwoman gets caught in a set-up. I'm pretty sure I've read this story eighteen times already.

Convergence: Suicide Squad #2

Thanks, Comic Book Store, for giving me the most beat up cover in the batch!

Speaking of beat-up covers, I dug out my copy of Walking Dead #1! Wait, I phrased that wrong. I meant that the cover wasn't beat up at all. In fact, it looked flawless! When should I sell it? Has the show jumped the zombie shark yet? Oh man. I hope at some point Rick jumps a zombie shark to prove to some other gang of survivors that he's the coolest. And then the term "jumping the shark" would have to begin meaning the opposite of what it means now!

I was going to reread the Baxter edition of The New Teen Titans from the eighties next but I think I need a break from that decade. Instead, I'll be heading into the mid-nineties and rereading one of my favorite series of all-time, House of Secrets. I went digging around the Portland Comic Book Hoarder Store, Future Dreams, and found issues #1-5 packed up for ten dollars. I picked it up because my run of House of Secrets begins with #6. I have the trade collecting the first five issues but now I have the complete collection! Which isn't even worthy of kissing the feet of Walking Dead #1. In terms of value! I love House of Secrets more than Walking Dead #1!

This issue begins with a "NOW" tag but Amanda isn't lying on the floor bleeding out, so it's at least prior to the events which began Convergence: Suicide Squad #1. Frank Tieri is just trying to be confusing now. Unless now is twenty four hours ago. Then he was confusing yesterday.

Can fat people not turn their heads? Or open their eyes?

I totally don't know the answer to that question in the last caption. At least, I can open my eyes and turn my neck so I guess I'm not Amanda Waller fat! I mean, I'm so thin that if this were a picture of me shooting a gun, I would be staring at the floor because I'm too skinny and weak to hold up my head.

The "now" part of the story lasted two pages simply so Frank Tieri could get a splash page featuring dozens of costumed characters. Supposedly this makes the reader want to read the rest of the book. It's too bad the page following the one featuring dozens of characters is a scene from a middle school conflict at lunch. We've got Captain Boomerang making fun of other villains' names (not that he doesn't have a good reason for it! It's just that it paints the middle school fist fight mood). Bane retorting with the scathing "No, you!" elementary playground comeback. Deadshot and Deathstroke in a half-hearted fist fight (it must be half-hearted or Deadshot would be dead before the first panel. It's a fistfight! Deathstroke wins! If Deadshot were to win this fight, the brawl would have been over before Deadshot was within 100 yards of the room). Somebody calls somebody else "garbage." The somebody else claims they aren't garbage at all! I think the cover was misprinted. It should have read Convergence: Degrassi Junior Suicide Squad.

The conflict between Old Suicide Squad and New Revamped Flashier To Hide The Poor Writing Abilities Of Frank Tieri Suicide Squad happens aboard Kingdom Come Lex Luthor's ship which is headed to New Oa. The ship crashes through the side of it and the exciting battle begins!

No, really! It's going to be super exciting! Because the combatants are Deadshot and Deathstroke and Cyborg Superman and Bronze Tiger and Captain Boomerang and Poison Ivy and Bane and Count Vertigo and Black Manta and Amanda Waller and Kingdom Come Lex Luthor and Kingdom Come Hawkman and Kingdom Come Kid Flash and Kingdom Come Atom and Kingdom Come Power Girl and Kingdom Come Batman and Kingdom Come Speedy and loads of other Kingdom Come people that I don't recognize due to my ignorance or Tom Mandrake's style! It's practically a Royal Rumble! If you're not super excited about this match-up, maybe you should be reading The Importance of Being Earnest. I believe that features a tea party and cucumber sandwiches! Dullsville, baby!

Let's see Oscar Wilde write dialogue like that!

During the fight, Cyborg Superman takes over Kingdom Come Robotman and Kingdom Come Alloy (unless that would just be Alloy?). He immediately begins using them to attack other members of the Suicide Squad. But since Amanda Waller insisted on being part of the action instead of overseeing the group to make sure none of them did anything stupid like this, she doesn't notice and therefore cannot blow the nano-bomb in his face before he's able to deactivate it. This is why Generals don't insist on fighting in the front lines, Amanda! Do your stupid job correctly next time.

Star Sapphire takes it upon herself to become a nano-bomb since Amanda wasn't doing her job correctly. She wraps herself around Cyborg Superman and is all, "This is for ruining my business and dropping the stock prices through the floor and making me meet with the stupid fucking shareholders that don't actually do anything for anybody except make the world a worse place!" Then she blows up taking out nearly everybody. But not Green Lantern! Or Lex Luthor! Or Captain Boomerang! Because they're too cynical to be knocked unconscious by a stupid love explosion!

It's hard for a writer of average intelligence to come up with the motivation for a genius.

Speaking of geniuses, did anybody watch that week long 500 Questions game show? Was nobody at all surprised that the majority of the contestants were nerdy white males? Not because of any inherent sexism in casting! But because it's nerdy white males that generally need some sort of claim to being a genius. So however the casting call for the show went out (I'm assuming some kind of push via the internet? And I'm sure there are "game show agents" nowadays too (which nerdy white males who think of themselves as geniuses would acquire!)), I'm confident that 95% of the people who replied were nerdy white males.

I love game shows so I watched the entire thing. I also love train wrecks which helped me to watch the entire thing. Because there is nothing train wreckier than nerds (actual nerds. Not "I love things in pop culture so therefore I'm a nerd" nerds!) trying to act the way (and I'm not judging anybody as better or worse here! It's just that people are different and have different strengths and weaknesses) they think socially competent people act.

The show claimed to be the hardest quiz show ever because it doesn't have multiple choice or lifelines. But seriously? Hardest? It might be difficult approaching it from an endurance point of view. But contestants only have to answer 166 or 167 questions correctly (what am I? A genius? You do the math betterer!) to make it through the entire game show. Plus they get to shout out multiple answers for ten seconds hoping that one of their guesses is correct. That's not hard at all! The main thing going against a contestant is that over time, the likelihood that they will get three questions in a row that they can't answer increases. So to get through to the 500th question is difficult but it's not like they actually have to answer 500 questions correctly. Geniuses my asshole!

Oh! I was distracted so I forgot to mention that the person putting the bullet in Lex Luthor's head in the panel above was Captain Boomerang. That's why I mentioned him as one of the people too cynical to be felled by the Love Explosion.

Captain Boomerang discovered recently that he had cancer and that it was probably due to one of the Suicide Squad missions he went on. So he decided to screw up the mission and take the entire team (plus The Wall!) with him. Captain Boomerang tries to shoot Amanda in the head as well because he forgot his name is not Captain Gun. But Green Lantern stops the bullet and declares the battle over. Kingdom Come has defeated the Suicide Squad! Amanda Waller gets to live!

No wait. Scratch that. They all lose and they all die. Suicide Squad!

The "whatever that was" Amanda mentions was the earthquake. Which somehow shook the floating city of New Oa because Frank Tieri was mandated by editorial to include it in his story. Plus, you know, it's more like a Telos orgasmic shudder which probably rattled the atmosphere as well.

Convergence: Suicide Squad #2 Ranking: I suppose it's fitting that Amanda Waller gets to commit suicide and destroy the entire Squad on the last mission. At least, it's fitting for a pitch meeting. "Picture this! The final issue of Suicide Squad! Amanda Waller...wait for it...commits suicide!" Gasps! Shocked utterances! Accountants scribbling on pads trying to add up all the money about to be made! Frank Tieri carried from the room on the shoulders of his superiors! Champagne corks flying across the room! Cocaine being snorted in every bathroom! Female and male hookers fucking everything that moves! Meth being cooked in the snack room! Russian Roulette being played in the lobby! Jizz flowing in rivers down the halls! A new age of decadence has begun and thy name is The DC Age! Four Suicides out of Ten.

Divergence: Aquaman
"A new look and a new direction as Aquaman finds himself on the run and Atlantis wants him dead!"

Fucking dickholes. Cullen Bunn on another book? Can somebody help this guy win the lottery so he stops turning all of the comic books I'm reading into boring, trite bullshit filled to the brim with horrible Narration Boxes?!

Oh wait! He's trying something different in Aquaman! No Narration Boxes! Maybe this will work out after all.

Aquaman is being hunted by Atlantis (as the "Here's how we've made the comic book worse!" blurb mentioned) because, I suppose, everybody was pissed off at him for finding his mother.

Oh. He doesn't need Narration Boxes because he talks to himself now. I hope he's talking to somebody via radio or else he's gone nuts.

The Atlanteans attack Aquaman with space ships because I don't know. Whatever. But look at this! Here we go again! Has the comic book reading world been asking for Bad-Ass Aquaman again?

This ain't your father's Aquaman anymore! Actually, being that teenagers and young twenty-somethings are probably reading this, this actually was your father's Aquaman for awhile.

Of course, Mera is hunting him down. I guess he finally slept with Ya'wara and she's pissed.

I hate this comic book so much already.

Convergence: Justice League #2

That's not a sea cucumber! It's a space station!

I have an issue with the way men are being portrayed in Convergence. In Convergence: Superman, El, the Flashpoint version of Superman, was in love with Lois Lane. So when he finds out that another woman who isn't the woman he was in love with but looks just like her exists, he kidnaps her because he loves her. Lois rejects him because she's in love with the Clark Kent she knows, not every person in the multiverse that looks like Clark Kent. In Convergence: Justice League, Flashpoint Aquaman notices another woman that looks like his dead Mera, so he kidnaps her because obviously men only love a woman for their looks. Who cares about her personality?! Mera rejects him like a normal person would reject somebody that steals you and immediately begins acting like they're your intimate partner of many years, even if they look exactly like the intimate partner you've had for many years.

I suppose women fall in love with the entire person and men only fall in love with the image of a person, right DC Comics?!

Oh wait. When I state it like that, it totally makes sense! You're right! Men are just shallow douchebags who aren't in touch with their feelings because they're so in touch with their cocks and where they're going to stick they're cocks. And when a man sees a place where he was allowed to stick his cock for years and years, he just figures he can go right back to sticking his cock in that place. Now that DC Comics helped me realize this, I'm now going to be unnerved by every movie and television show I watch with a male lead (which, let's face it, is pretty much all of them).

I'm sure my reading of the previously mentioned comics could be kinder but since one was written by Dan Jurgens who is a robot created in the Eighties with no input devices and no way to retrieve new, non-1980s information and the other was written by Frank Tieri who seems to get pulled off the bench by DC Comics to pinch write shitty comics for even shittier writers that have ruined the title they've been working on, I don't think they deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Speaking of television shows with male leads, I have no really cogent thoughts about the finale of Mad Men but I did want to comment on it. So if you haven't seen the finale (or the show at all), just skip to the first scanned picture where the real Convergence: Justice League #2 will begin. No, seriously. Just skip the rest of this. I don't want to be the one to spoil anything about one of the greatest television experiences of the decade.

So after watching the finale on Tuesday, I made a few comments to the Non-Certified Spouse, walked into the bathroom, shut the door, put the lid down on the toilet, sat down, and fucking bawled. Being that I'm apparently written like a male character in DC Comics, I'm not quite sure what affected me to that degree. I believe (but am still not entirely sure) that it was the moment in which the plain guy tells his story about being an item in a refrigerator which touches Don who then gets up to hug him. I wasn't touched simply because of the scene and the way it was played. I was touched because the man was symbolically Matthew Weiner speaking directly to his character, Don Draper. He was saying goodbye to him while also speaking the words that he couldn't put into Don Draper's mouth because Don would never say them. They were Matthew's insecurities and fears which meant they were also instilled into Don. It was a redemptive moment for both Don and Matthew and it may have been the most brilliant version of the writer putting himself into a show that I've seen. That was what broke me. Although it's possible that I was more emotionally attached to that Coke commercial than I previously believed.

Shall we discuss the Coke commercial ending? And by we, I mean me, and by discuss, I mean monologue? I'm a cynical person. I'm not cynical to the point of deconstructing everything simply because I like watching buildings blow up helter-skelter. I believe that, just like blowing up a building, deconstructing a work takes care, experience, and intelligence if you don't want to hurt a lot of people in the process. Anybody can stick dynamite on a building and destroy it. Not everyone can bring it down safely and elegantly. The internet is full of Crazy Harrys running into a fandom and pushing the plunger on their detonator. Anybody can find any flaw they're looking for in any work of art when they're projecting their own issues onto everything they encounter. So I'm cynical but I don't want to be; I just feel it's necessary. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. Some people would say, "Just believe" (and one once did at the Portland Brewfest one year when I was wearing my "I want to believe" t-shirt). But that's the point of the shirt. Some people want to believe but they want the truth more than they want to fulfill their own fantastic desires. So when the Coke commercial came on at the end of Mad Men, I had to ask the question: were we seeing an actual, life-changing moment for Don Draper where he's come to a more enlightened, comfortable place, or was this just the same old Don Draper going full tilt until the idea for the commercial grabbed him by the throat and he knew he had the pitch? Was this a cynical ending or a romantic one? Did he go back to McCann a new man, transformed and with a new understanding of what people really need, wanting to bring the communal, enlightened vision he had to the world? Or did he go back to shoot a commercial co-opting the peace, love, and spirituality movement he experienced while in California simply to sell soda pop? Remember, it's all about the work! Everything is about the work!

I know what I believe. Matthew Weiner wrote a television series for seven years simply to say this: "That fucking Coke commercial was bullshit propaganda and you all fell for it, suckers! These are the people that created it! Here are your 'Teach the World to Sing' gurus, bitches! The moment your movement was sanitized to sell Coke, it was over. You fucking lost, hippies! Culture is grist for the advertising world and what matters to you now will soon be used to sell you bullshit crap nobody needs. Enjoy life! Enjoy Coke! Smile!"

What works every time? Distracting military submarines with your boobs and butt so that they blow each other up?

The Justice League is currently battling Flashpoint Atlanteans off the coast of Gotham because their friend Mera was kidnapped by Flashpoint Aquaman. I explained why earlier: it's because he used to put his cock in a Mera-shaped person, so why wouldn't this person shaped like his previous cock-receptacle not want to be the new Aquaman cock-receptacle?

Now that Jesse Quick has taken out the Atlantean warships, the Justice League has to battle an army of sea turtles and underwater men with spears. I don't know what the Vegas odds are but please put all of my money on the speedster, Kryptonian, green light spectrum wielder, and magic woman. Although I have heard that slow and steady wins the race? Hmm.

Is it just me being sexist or does the "witty banter" by this group of friends just sound catty and mean? See how I used "catty" there? That indicates there is a high probability that I'm being sexist! And let's face it: a lot of that old Blue and Gold banter Giffen and DeMatteis used to write? It was fucking mean-spirited shit that rarely came across as fun loving shenanigans! How did Ted and Michael stay friends for so long?!

Of course Supergirl wants to punch Aquaman in the face! That's Supergirl's go-to greeting! And besides, who wouldn't want to punch Aquaman in the face?!

Mera sulks in captivity trying to convince Flashpoint Vulko that Aquaman is a kidnapper and will probably soon be a rapist and that maybe he should do something about preventing that from happening? What is wrong with Mera? She should have her hands around Vulko's throat and squeezing the life out of him while she drowns the Atlantean Guards with their own saliva! Where's the Mera I know from The New 52? She's smarter, more powerful, and has a better ass than all of the Atlanteans put together! Was that sexist? I did throw in the "smarter" thing!

Outside of Aquaman's undersea headquarters, Jade battles with Ocean Master. She's surprised, after knocking off his helmet, to find that it's not Aquaman at all. Jade needs to spend more time boning up on her super villain flash cards. I suppose Ocean Master isn't an opponent anybody except Aquaman ever faces off against so I can't blame Jade for not recognizing him. And she truly doesn't. She just notices he's not Aquaman and says, "You're not Aquaman. You're..." and then she can't come up with his name. So he has to say, "Ocean Master!" Poor guy must feel like a loser right about now. I mean more than usual.

Vixen infiltrates Aquaman's Wifely Prison by using the powers of whatever sea creature allows her to sneak aboard, steal a uniform, and find her way to Mera in an unfamiliar place. A cuttlefish, maybe? But it doesn't matter because while she's wasting time hugging Mera, Aquaman sneaks up behind her and knocks her unconscious.

Or maybe she's just knocked down because after a brief break in the scene to show Supergirl, Zatanna, and Jesse trading barbs and battling lobsters, Vixen channels the power of an electric eel and zaps the fuck out of Aquaman.

Who...? Oh! I get it! He's being a rhetorical smartass!

I bet Vixen just stops channeling sea creatures and kicks him in the balls simply by channeling girl power!

No, that would be too empowering. Instead Aquaman makes her pick up a gun and shoot herself in the face. She's not dead but apparently she's going to be disfigured in some way. Hopefully an animal exists that can cure scar tissue or Vixen's modeling career is headed down a new and exciting path for a veil company.

That wasn't a comment about me saying she can't be a model with a horrible scar stretching across her face and one eyeball hanging out! That was me commenting on the state of the modeling industry and how they would never allow her back! It was a dig at big business and the Patriarchy! I would totally jerk off to a model with a scar on her face and an eyeball hanging out of her head! I'm not sexist!

Mera, still all meek and non-violent, submits to Aquaman's authority when he shows her that his men have caught Jesse Quick and Zatanna and Jade and Supergirl's cape.

Whoops! I guess the cape wasn't enough!

After Supergirl crashes through the window, water doesn't come rushing in. I guess that means the interior of the headquarters is also filled with water. Maybe that's why Vixen couldn't stop channeling sea creatures. Although she had to hold her breath while she was channeling dolphins and whales. Hopefully she can still channel whatever she was channeling while unconscious and bleeding out of her face. Still, none of that explains why Jesse Quick was taken into captivity without her Infinite Oxygen Forever Facemask (probably courtesy of Waynetech).

Supergirl beats the shit out of Aquaman until he activates his Kryptonite Trident. But Mera stops him before he stabs Supergirl with it. She stops him by pressing her boobs against his chest and calling him "my love" and kissing him right on his filthy fish lips. Because that's where Mera's power lies! It was hidden all this time underneath her clothing! Using her Super Hot Body Superpower, she gets close to the idiot man who has no brain and thinks only about things his cock will fit inside of. And then she stabs him!

After stabbing him, Mera and Supergirl and Vixen swim out of Aquaman's headquarters unmolested. I guess Vixen is pretty much okay? Just a slight graze wound across a cheek or something? Her face is never shown again after she was forced by Aquaman to shoot herself in it. Aquaman is just left to bleed out on his throne. I guess once a king is stabbed in the stomach, everybody he commands instantly stops respecting all of his orders and they simply disappear. And I guess Mera is playing by Batman's Rules of Killing here. Mera may have stabbed Flashpoint Aquaman and walked away knowing that he was dying but it's not her fault if he is eaten by sharks, right? And it's his fault for not having a royal surgeon on hand. Or knowing how to sew up his own wounds.

Convergence: Justice League #2 Rating: This issue wasn't good. It was as not good as the first issue. But it was the first issue to actually fulfill the Convergence Contract! The Justice League was told they would battle somebody to the death and that's what they did! Although I doubt even Flashpoint Aquaman is going to die here. Although if the Big Convergence Change (that's what I'll be calling the twist ending that changes up these old universes in a new way which seems to be happening in every one of these Convergence Minis) was that Mari now has a scar on her face, I'm big time disappointed. I said BIG TIME! That's no marriage or baby or resurrected child or redeemed Two-face! It's hardly a blip at all on the Change Radar! And it's also sexist bullshit! Probably! I think it's always safe for me to call something sexist bullshit!

Divergence: Detective Comics
"Following the events of 'Endgame,' get ready to ride with the GCPD in a whole new city -- inhabited by a whole new Batman!"

Oh boy! A whole new Batman! That's just what the fans have not been demanding! I can't wait.

The Sneak Peek begins with Harvey talking to a shadowy figure putting on some crazy armor. One of the things I was hoping Manapul and Buccellato would do was to continue to concentrate on Harvey Bullock in Detective Comics. He's a detective, right?! And a great character if you're into fat guys that smoke and eat a lot and wear hats! Also he's got the kind of personality that can really carry a comic book titled Detective Comics. I'm so pro-Harvey Bullock that I have a really gay boner right now.

Yip is still his partner but there's a new character in town that has yet to be seen in The New 52 (I think!): Renee Montoya! She's back and she's coming between Yip and Harvey like a sexy thing that comes! Now I'm picturing naked, anthropomorphic foxes with huge boners for some reason. Thanks a lot, Deviant Art! You've ruined the sexy part of my brain!

The van the three of them are riding in has a big bat symbol on the front. They're chasing a giant of some kind when it tries to smash them with a fist. The van flips end over end but is caught by an armored Batman. I guess the GCPD now has a Bat Division!

What the fuck. What the fuckity fucking fuck did I just read? Fucking Manapul. Fucking Buccellato. Holy shit. Detective Comics is going to be fucked up and possibly quite awesome.

Um, anyway, after the van flips, Yip is trapped in the back. Renee begins interrogating her with her gun out trying to get her to name names. But Harvey pulls her away and lights the fucking gas pooling around the van, blowing his partner (and only potential romantic interest ever) into smithereens. Maybe. Probably. Shit. Jesus Christ.

And if you don't feel shocked and freaked out enough, there's a panel with a crying pigeon that's also on fire. I think that needs to be my new header.

And then the last page is the start of this fucked up travesty. I mean that in a super good way.

I don't know who big armored Jim Batman actually is.

Convergence: Suicide Squad #1

This is a worse Squad than the current New 52 Squad!

I suppose this Suicide Squad is somewhat believable if all the members have bought into the supposition that they are fighting for their very existence. Otherwise why the fuck would Cyborg Superman be on the team? I'm fairly certain a nano-bomb implanted into his neck either isn't going to blow up when detonated, or isn't going to be implanted for long, or isn't going to really hurt him much when it does blow anyway. And, as I've said before, why the fuck would Deathstroke be on the team unless he was getting paid a ton of money? And isn't one of the selling points of the Squad to the government that it's a cheap method of solving politically problematic problems?

Also, Amanda Waller isn't fat enough! It needed to be said!

I actually don't care if Amanda had suddenly lost a lot of weight during the year under the Dome. The biggest grievance I have against The New 52 Amanda Waller is that she was turned into an action hero. That undercuts what makes her interesting by taking away her real power which is her tenacity, stubbornness, and strength of will. Instead of facing down super villains because she was just that bad ass and threatening, The New 52 Amanda faces down super villains because she can actually physically kick their ass. I don't know about y'all but that takes a little something special away from her character that I've sorely missed.

The issue begins with Amanda Waller dying. Which means it will soon go to 24 hours earlier. Because comic book writers don't truly understand the term "in media res." While Waller is dying, she's speaking with Kingdom Come Green Lantern about how she failed. Then a mysterious person with a gun appears and shoots somebody. Probably Green Lantern since the reader is expected to believe the person has betrayed Amanda and is shooting her.

Oh, excuse me. It's forty-eight hours earlier and Toyman is having dinner with Floyd Lawton.

How is Lawton supposed to find the real Superman if he's not flying around in red and blue?

While the deal is going down, Planet Brainiac removes the dome and a guy at a nearby table turns into Atomic Skull. That causes Toyman to try to back out of the deal since he could spend his million dollars on a better assassin than Deadshot. But that just gets Toyman shot in the head and killed. Toyman didn't die on a mission for the Suicide Squad but it's nice to see at least one C-lister die in a Suicide Squad comic book! That New 52 Squad just can't seem to pull the trigger. But what do you expect from a team that stacks itself with characters you know DC Comics will never kill.

With the dome down, General Lane calls up Amanda Waller to get the Suicide Squad back in operation. The first thing I notice is that Tom Mandrake has no idea how to draw fat people. I'm not a fan of his art in general. I remember reading Ostrander's The Spectre way back when and really being disappointed by the art, even though it kind of works in that book.

The Suicide Squad's current target is Kingdom Come Green Lantern. Surprise! He's made a city called New Oa floating over the Metropolis of Kingdom Come. That's where the Suicide Squad needs to attack him. Or maybe they can just approach him and say, "Hey! If you can make this, can't you make a ship to take everybody out of here? And could you maybe get Magog to strangle Planet Brainiac and/or shoot him in the face with his stupid gun?"

I'd like to amend my previous statement about Tom Mandrake's art! "Tom Mandrake has no idea how to draw fat people."

I know, I know! It's his artistic style! Well, I don't like it! But I'm not saying other people might not love it. One of the reasons I have a hard time commenting on the art is because I love a lot of styles of art that other people can't stand. And some styles that I hate, other people love. Although it's nice when an artist truly can't draw because then I get to bash Marat Mychaels to my heart's content!

Amanda Waller insists on going on the mission which is just fucking stupid. Fuck you, Tieri. Amanda going on a suicidal mission is stupid. Unless the main part of her plan is to be a victim so that they can catch Green Lantern unaware, then this is bullshit. So I'm going to believe that Tieri knows what he's doing even though he has done nothing in The New 52 to prove that he can write a decent story. If he has, I don't remember it and that alone is proof enough for me that he hasn't.

Carol Ferris is also going to go on the mission as Star Sapphire. The other members of the team? Look at the cover! Bane! Black Manta! Deathstroke! But those are the new members! The old members are the ones I'm excited to read about! Count Vertigo! Deadshot! Bronze Tiger! Poison Ivy! And Captain Boomerang!

I hope Deadshot kills Count Vertigo while on the away mission!

Cyborg Superman is also on the team.

Hey, Sian Mandrake! Why'd you make Carol black?! Yes, that's supposed to be Carol in the second panel.

Meanwhile Oracle is reaching out to Kingdom Come Lex Luthor to see if he'll betray his world. He's up for it. I suppose that means he's the guy with the gun at the beginning of the comic book?

Convergence: Suicide Squad #1 Rating: Look. Any version of the Suicide Squad after John Ostrander's version is going to suck Superman's balls. So I didn't have high hopes for their return in Convergence. At least putting a mediocre writer on the book kept me from getting my hopes up. And now I wasn't disappointed! It really wasn't much of a story to critique anyway. The best part was Deadshot and Toyman's scene at the beginning. The rest was just pre-game bullshit and player introductions. I don't mind if next issue is bad. I just want to see a lot of characters die because this story doesn't really matter, right?

Convergence: Justice League #1

How many vile jellies do you think Mera's crown has put out?

Sorry for getting all high and mighty in my cover caption with the Shakespeare reference but it's the only line of Shakespeare that I can quote! "Out vile jelly!" Man, makes me laugh every time! King Lear was his best comedy. Daughter named after an STD, a comedian that pisses everybody off with his jokes, eyes getting gouged out and ground under foot, an old man ranting about blow jobs. Hilarious!

I finally decided to pull myself away from watching Daredevil so I wouldn't completely disappoint myself by having no more Daredevil to watch. Pretty fucking good show, right? I'll always appreciate Arrow for getting this new wave of doing super hero television shows right but boy does it suck lately. Daredevil is pretty much The Wire to Arrow's Saved by the Bell. The Flash is still the best though simply because it has actual super-powered super heroes in it. Although if Iris West is going to start pulling that "I hate you forever because you didn't tell me the truth" Arrow crap, I'm going to punch her in the throat. In my imagination, of course! I would never actually hit a woman. I only fantasize about hitting women! That's not sexist or misogynistic or violent! It's a kink! And you can't shame me for my kinks, you jerk!

Anyway, look at all the women I could punch in the throat on the cover of Convergence: Justice League! Mmmm.

The fight card for this issue on the inside front cover is the same as every other inside front cover. That's making me suspect that every issue of Convergence that came out the first week is going to highlight that battle. Because why would the Justice League be living in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham? It makes no sense unless they were visiting Batman when the city was taken. Next on my stack is Nightwing/Oracle which will definitely take place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Then Speed Force which, seriously, had better take place somewhere else like Coast City or Star City or something more appropriate! And then Superman so Metropolis of some sort, right? Then the Titans so that'll be New York! And then The Question which will be I have no idea! And finally The Atom which probably takes place in Batman's scrotum. Or Giganta's vagina.

The issue begins with Supergirl flying Jesse Quick to a hospital to have her baby. So forget that thing I said about the Speed Force not taking place here. I guess everybody just happened to be in fucking Gotham when the city was taken!

I guess everybody will have an excuse to be in Gotham. What was I thinking? Of course DC isn't going to waste extra money printing up different fight cards for the inside covers of every comic each week!

Seeing Jade reminds me that I still have the final issue of She-hulk to read! I'm falling so far behind on my non-commentary comic book reading!

While the ladies are at the hospital hoping for a speedy birth (ha ha!), Gotham City is transported to Telos! And under the dome, everybody loses their super powers. Is magic a super power? I'm willing to bet just about everything is a super power except Batarangs.

Jesse gives birth to a boy, Jade loses her green coloring, and then the story jumps ahead one year later.

Kara is now into violent pornography. Look at the size of that guy's wallet chain? Rowr!

Frank Tieri is writing this and he is not a good writer. He probably wants to prove his feminist loyalties so he's sticking in this scene to prove his feminist cred. I'm going to guess that this guy touched Kara while trying to hit on her and now she's teaching him an appropriate lesson. He'll know better next time he approaches a woman that the way she dresses doesn't mean he can put his hand directly into her vagina! I mean, if he can even remember this encounter after the severe concussion and possible skull fracture he's in the process of attaining.

See? Bad man! Inappropriate! Now die!

Don't get me wrong! I'm all for a woman kicking a guy's ass for grabbing hers. If a man is physically assaulted, he's probably going to react violently. Grabbing a woman's ass is a physical assault no matter how super amazing Supergirl's bum is. I'm not criticizing Supergirl's super violent reaction. I'm just not trusting Tieri's motive for writing this scene. It feels like he's assaulting me with his need to get some of his comic book panels trending on Tumblr!

Let's look at the rest of the scene and you tell me if Tieri should be writing these women.

Tieri is forcing me to hate half of these women and I'm only on page seven!

The bouncer is doing everything possible to ensure his establishment remains a safe place for the guests and Zatanna thinks she needs to threaten him? He's been nothing but accommodating and helpful in this scene and she's being a jerk. Then I suppose this is supposed to be friendly banter but it just sounds like they don't really like each other very much. At least they share a good laugh over the fact that Congorilla has to deal with Jess's baby's dirty diapers while he babysits so she can enjoy a night out with...um...friends, I guess?

I think the whole scene is ruined for me because Zatanna just looks sad or upset in every panel. Have you tried smiling, Zatanna?

Ow! Ow! OW! I'M SORRY, KARA! I WAS JUST JOKING!

At least the women express that they're having a good time unwinding on ladies' night. At least everybody except Mera. She looks even sadder than Zatanna! It's because Aquaman didn't happen to be in Gotham City when the city was taken. Which means he's dead. Ha ha!

"I told you you're going to have a good time and you're going to have a good time goddammit! Look at how much fun I'm having! Whee dee fucking dee!"

Look at how angry Zee looks in that middle panel on the right side of the page! It would be one thing if she were being drawn to match the tone of her joking and trying to cheer up a friend. But this feels like she's just chastising her for being fucking sad!

Did Gotham City not arrive on Telos with clothing stores? Why is Mera still wearing her Atlantean armor for a night out? Sure, it makes her ass look fantastic but it seems like an awkward choice. Also, does an Atlantean's strength count as a super power? I would think that she's still super strong since it's just part of her physiology.

Zatanna is interrupted by Planet Brainiac explaining the rules of Multiversal Thunderdome. Let's get ready to...no? I can't finish that without paying royalties? Sorry.

Meanwhile on the other side of the other Gotham, Flashpoint Aquaman watches Planet Brainiac explain the rules. Guess who's probably going to have to fight whom?! Let the fuckfight commence!

Mera is kidnapped by Arthur's people but Jade spots them even though Jess looked "everywhere." I bet she really just ran home to check on her baby, have a quickie with Congorilla, and return to shrug her shoulders and admit that Mera is probably dead.

The Atlantean spots a bunch of women in their clubbing outfits headed toward him so he does the only rational thing to do in that situation: blow his fucking conch shell to summon the mighty Kraken! Supergirl punches it and it flies out somewhere in the wastes of Telos. I hope it lands on another battle taking place in a future Convergence comic book. Frank Tieri is writing more than just this book. Hopefully he'll act like a real writer and land this Kraken in one of his other books since this is all happening simultaneously.

Meanwhile in Aquaman's throne room, Aquaman is all, "Hey! You look just like my old wife. We're practically married!" Then he kisses her and Mera punches him in the face because it was hard enough falling for one loser named Aquaman. You really think she's going to accept an even shittier version?

I'm not even going to bother wondering how Aquaman was in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham Harbor ready to attack the city because I'm sure I must be reading this incorrectly and it actually makes sense.

The final page shows all the crazy sea life and mermen that Aquaman is summoning with his powers. And it ends with this blurb: "Lionfish, Tiger Sharks, and Aquamen--oh my! There're plenty of fish in the sea--and next, our girls are practically fighting all of 'em! Join us as the JLA take on Aquaman and his seemingly limitless Aqua-army!"

What the fuck was that bullshit? First the rehashing of The Wizard of Oz quote which is practically the most boring thing that one could say whilst playing Monopoly. But then the whole patronizing "our girls" thing and comparing their fight to finding a boyfriend with the whole "plenty of fish in the sea" thing? Not to mention why the fuck did he even end the issue with this stupid blurb?! Maybe that's the way Pre-Flashpoint comic books always ended! By the way, when does Pre-Pre-Flashpoint begin? What's the event that begins the Pre-Flashpoint DC Universe? Do we go all the way back to Zero Hour for that?

Convergence: Justice League #1 Rating: I like the roster of this team but I can't say I like the way they've been handled. But I'm probably wrong. What the fuck do I know? I'm probably just looking for reasons to complain because Frank Tieri did long term damage to my psyche with his issues of Savage Hawkman and Grifter. Does anybody know how to purposefully repress memories?