Deathstork #3

If you're going to copy Deathstork's outfit, at least improve on the flaws. Like the colors. And the excessive pouches. And the flared boots. Oh wait. She did fix those. Good start!

The Commentary!
• I'm feeling a bit underappreciated as a Writer lately. It's been making me think: why am I wasting my talents on comic book readers?! They're the most unsophisticated readers in the library! It's like, "Have you checked out anything with words while you're waiting for every single comic book trade to become available?" I mean, I write stuff like "The first short story is called 'Home Alone'. It's about how Joseph Wilson was constantly being left home by himself due to his mercenary parents constantly rushing off to other countries to assassinate people and his older brother throwing temper tantrums and running away because he didn't feel like his dad loved him enough. Joseph apparently doesn't feel loved enough either because when the house is empty, he invites a bunch of strange teenagers over to party on the off chance that a few of them might think, 'Jake Wilbur is the coolest!'" and who responds with, "Holy shit! What a way with words! What an elegantly heartbreaking example of mankind's unending loneliness due to our inability to connect with others!"? Nobody, that's who! Not one person! And yet people cream their corduroys over Hemingway!

• I guess I'm destined to be discovered after I'm dead, Emily Dickinson style. That's probably the usual fate of shut-ins without any real ambition for fame or money but who just want to write. Although I wouldn't mind some of that sweet money! Just enough to keep me in Oreos until I'm too fat to leave the house and I die of heart disease. Then my obituary can read, "Local Fat Man Who Thought He Could Write Dies Lonely Death. Jake Wilbur Will Be Missed. By No One! BURN!"

• Don't bother trying to pay me compliments now that I've pointed out you're all unsophisticated dum-dums! It's too late for that! I know you're all terrible Readers anyway! It's why you're reading my thoughts on the comic books you've already read! So you can think things like, "Oh yeah! I totally knew that's what that was about! Themes and stuff!"! I should probably start a commentary blog for this commentary blog.

• This issue (unless it's just the first story?) is called "By Any Other Name." Most of you uncouth chowderheads probably don't get why it's called that! Pshaw! It's so obvious! I bet a monkey that was taught how to press the button on a game show buzzer could answer a question on this if it were on Jeopardy. Although the monkey would probably forget to say the answer in the form of a question because it's just a stupid monkey.

• Don't you hate how on Jeopardy, when a contestant says the answer without making it a question, they still have time to correct the error, spurred on by Alex Trebek looking at them as if they're the biggest idiots on the planet. They're all, "Rose!" And then Alex Trebek's eyes roll back in his head and spittle forms on his lips and he starts looking around for a gun to shoot himself in the face with but when he can't find one, he just starts screaming, "YOU FUCKING CAME ON JEOPARDY OF YOUR OWN ACCORD BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING SMART BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE MAIN TWIST TO THIS STUPID QUIZ SHOW!" Instead of letting them rephrase the question, they should deduct five hundred dollars from their score and throw a pub dart into their neck.

• The second short story is called "33". Who wants to take a Jeopardy guess as to why that's the title of this story? "What is the age Jesus's best friend went all smoochy face on him so that the Roman Guards would be all, 'That's the one! The dude kissing the other dude! Not the one with his pockets bulging with silver! The other one! The poor one!'"

• "33" might also be an emoticon of a blinking pirate with a harelip. Oh! Or Deathstork blinking! And with a harelip!

• Oh wait! Before I get to the second story, I had a question about the first story!

"There can only be one reason Rose Wilson takes two hour showers." "What is masturbation, Alex?"

• I also had the answer to my question! Jeopardy style!

• Rose is just like her father but with a different name. Except instead of having super reflexes, she has super intuition. Or maybe it's just straight up precognition. She sees how a hit might go wrong and then changes the way the hit goes. So she's like Midnighter if Midnighter were actually terrible. Compared to Midnighter, she has a fraction of his ability and that fraction is one over infinity. Although is that really a fraction? That's really just zero, right? I can't do the proof but I'm sure there's a proof that proves it.

• The "33" of the title is the number of bullets in the magazine of an Uzi plus one in the chamber. But why would there be one in the chamber? Do people often fire off thirty-one bullets and then stick a new clip on before firing that last bullet? I don't know anything about guns but I do play Call of Duty!

• Rose was only paid to stop a hit and, with her mental abilities, realized she was going to die as the hit went south. So she knocked everybody out because she's apparently a disappointment to her father. He's all, "Oh, so we're in the knock men out game, are we?!" And Rose is all, "FUCK YOU, DAD!"

The "you" in Wintergreen's statement obviously refers to Slade.

• The third story is called "Ready". That probably rhymes with Teddy and not seedy, right? Although I hope it rhymes with seedy because a story called "Ready" (rhymes with seedy!) is right up the alley of a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader (rhymes with seeder).

• We all know Rose has serious Daddy Issues because she's a character in the DC Universe. But boy howdy does she have Daddy Issues! She's constantly trying to assure Slade that her vagina is closed for business! She's all, "I'm not stripping!" and "I'm not doing it to Richard!" And then she gets really gross and starts discussing "owning her own sexuality" and how "it's none of Slade's business." Then why do you keep bringing it up?! I know why! She's withholding sex with men she's intimate with because, in a way, she feels like she's withholding her love for her daddy! Because he never gave her any. So now she isn't going to give any to her Daddy Substitutes! Boom! Psychotherapized!

• Deathstork decides Rose isn't ready to have sex since she tells her dad that she isn't having sex. Unless what they're actually talking about is murder! Are they talking about murder? Am I supposed to understand that Rose is a Murder Virgin?!

• The fourth story is called "Closure" and it's the one where Adeline shoots out Slade's eye. You know that story! I'm sure you've read it before. There's this kid, Jake or something, who gets his throat cut and Adeline is all, "Dammit! Why did you let that kid, what's-his-name, get his throat cut, you dum-dum!" Then Slade is all, "What do you want me to do? I can't even remember his name!" Then Adeline is all "BANG" and Slade is all "Why won't my eye heal?! Stupid powers!"

• Christopher Priest or the Letterer spell Qurac wrong. But I blame the Editor! The editor is supposed to catch that mundane stuff. Writers can't be bothered with spelling things correctly! They're busy baring their souls to an uncompromising universe! They're busy flinging their seed into the barren wombs of the masses! They're busy metaphoring up similes to analogize their pain!

• Rose tells her dad she was "trained" by Nightwing. So she has had sex! And she's definitely a Murder Virgin! Mystery solved! Although the boy she was sleeping with was named Richard and she said she wasn't actually "sleeping" with him and Dick's name is Richard so was that Nightwing sharing the bed with her and not having sex?

Christopher Priest wrote it! I didn't write it! He said it! Not me! He's the one calling out stupid teenagers! I may or may not agree but I do know I didn't say it!

• I don't think "postmodern Faustian B.S. philosophy" actually means anything. Unless what he's getting at is that she's deconstructed sex in such a way as to explain that by not having sex she is somehow controlling others using a negative action while denying herself the pleasure of sex in a bullshit attempt to empower herself. Or Deathstork is the one spouting the B.S. philosophy that is neither Faustian nor postmodern!

• Although the phrase "like every other empty-headed nitwit teenager, you're too immature to know how stupid you are" is pure poetry.

• Deathstork figures out Ricky, the person who paid Ravager to stop Leon from killing Ricky's boys, took the papers for the hit on Ravager. Deathstork lets Ricky live but takes some of the cash to trace it back to whoever paid Ricky. I guess Deathstork doesn't like people taking hits out on his daughter.

• Ricky is a grandmother. I think.

• Deathstork analyzes the money and has a realization: Batman has money! Lots of it! The person who put the hit out on Rose must be Batman! And it's off to Gotham City so Slade can get his ass handed to him in his own comic book! What a dumby!

The Ranking!
+2! Whattya know?! A good Deathstork comic book! It's like that time that I believed something that didn't exist might actually exist and then pretended that it did exist even though it didn't! Except this time, it does exist! I think. This book is real, right? Or did I just hallucinate it? It's possible I hallucinated it because I seem to remember something about a "postmodern Faustian B.S. philosophy" and that sounds like something that I'd make up trying to sound smart!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #13

I was in a bromance once. We did a lot of brock-gobbling and brodomy.

The Review!
According to Lobdell's retweets of people who like his Red Hood Loves Arsenal comic book (because I imagine he retweets every single positive mention he gets), he has about three fans of this book. I'm a nobody and I think I receive more appreciation for my stupid bullshit! That makes me feel bad for Lobdell. Now that this series is over, I truly hope he's decided to recommit himself to giving a shit about his Rebirth comic book. I doubt that will happen since he's been writing for DC for five years and he has yet to prove that he thinks about anything he's writing for longer than it takes him to jot the script down on the back of a bar napkin. He doesn't even seem to remember his scripts from month to month because there is no logical consistency in any of the characters in any of his DC Comics series. I suppose that's the main reason he continues to get work. With no consistency in his characters, he can change them as editorial dictates come down the line. Anything an editor wants, Lobdell does. I'm not saying that as an insult! I'm just saying he's easy to work with and he gets the job that's needed done. It's just that that never results in a compelling story. And it will never result in characters I will grow to love. It simply results in a superficial book that I'll forget about five minutes after closing the cover. I suppose comics has always had a place for that kind of fluff so Lobdell fills a niche. Plus people seem to love Jason Todd and Roy Harper no matter how poorly they're handled.

The Commentary!
I must have slept in on the day this book was released because I don't remember everybody dancing in the streets, fireworks displays around the world, and the end of all global conflict as everybody was united in their hatred of this piece of shit comic book. I suppose that would only have happened if this comic book had been mandated reading for everybody on the planet. Perhaps it should have been! It would have been like Ozymandias's giant space squid exploding into Times Square (except with more deaths from suicide). Everybody would have been united in their hatred and their need to end this threat to their existence! And then when DC cancelled it, everybody would have been so elated that they would have forgotten their petty religious squabbles or international border disputes or terrifyingly militaristic national foreign policies! I suppose we would have had to take to the streets and kill all of the fans of this comic book but that's a purge I believe we could all agree would be for the greater good.

This issue begins with Roy Harper about to die! But Jason Todd has one chance left to save him! And that chance is a mysterious arrow built by a rockabilly genius! It's probably the deus ex machina arrow. Roy can invent anything so I'm not sure why he hasn't invented one of those. He could enter any conflict, fire the arrow, and save the day! What kind of rockabilly genius is he?! He's an idiot for not having invented one already!

Red Hood begins killing the members of Iron Rule by using arrows that negate the nuclear energy that gave them their super powers and brought them back to life.

See? Roy can invent anything as long as he can scream out an explication for what the thing does!

For awhile, Jason Todd was killing people willy-nilly. Then the editorial mandate came down to make him more likeable by not killing (which goes to show how much editorial knows because the only redeeming quality to Jason Todd was that he was the Batman who kills). Just a few issues ago, he was yelling at Roy not to kill. So now that the only way Jason Todd's writer can think to get him through this conflict is by killing the bad guys, Jason Todd must provide some Narration Box Rationalizations for why it's okay to kill this time. Here's an idea! Just let Red Hood kill without compunction! Everybody understands why he kills! Just, you know, write him better. Develop his philosophy and ethics and write the character based on those things. Just maybe make his motivations consistent. Is that too much to ask? Because having him flip-flop from one set of beliefs to another from issue to issue is just one of the reasons why this comic book is so terrible.

Just a few issues ago, everything he was doing was based on giving people a second chance because he was given one. But, you know, fuck that. This is different!

I have a question about Roy's nuclear spill clean-up arrows! What does he do with the arrows after they've been used? Does he have a "Send Toxic Waste Into A Black Hole" Arrow? Show of hands: who thinks nobody will discuss the toxic clean-up before this issue ends?!

Jason Todd kills all but one member of Iron Rule and The Joker's Daughter (oh, he also didn't kill Roy or Tara Battleworth, if that statement had you worried because you're a dummy or an Actually Nerd). It's at this point when Roy Harper decides it's his turn to tell Jason Todd not to kill and that they're better than that. Oh, fuck you, Lobdell. No. Fuck you, DC Comics. Why do you keep giving this guy work? And fuck everybody who likes his writing because you obviously don't understand character, cause and effect, motivations, theme, plot, paragraphs, sentences, words, punctuation, and anything, really.

Roy convinces Jason not to kill the last member of Iron Rule because of Mommy Issues. That leaves just the Joker's Daughter to deal with because she's about ready to blow Tara Battleworth's head off for huge internet ratings. Although, for some reason, the awful people watching this horrible live feed have turned on her and now want to vote her dead instead of Roy. People on Earth-Main-Earth are so fickle.

Roy uses his Stop the Joker's Daughter Arrows to stop The Joker's Daughter before she can kill Tara. I think that's a good thing. I don't even know why Tara Battleworth was a recurring character in this comic book. I guess it's that fickle thing. First she refuses to hire Red Hood and Arsenal. Then she sends them on a field test which they fail so she doesn't hire them. Then she hires them for a special job. Then she never wants to work them again. I think. I don't remember. Once again, a character shows no consistency in this book. Simply put, whatever a character can do to serve the current issue's plot, they will do.

This is how Harry and the Hendersons ended, right?

And that's the end of that nonsense. Except for a back-up feature about how Jason Todd and Roy Harper began their homosexual romance. I mean bromance!

It's not Batman who will wind up killing you when you head out alone without telling Batman where you've gone.

Apparently Batwoman didn't stop the crime of baseball themed bad guys committing robbery inside baseball stadiums. The guys Roy and Jason battle are called the Batboys!

They're not very dedicated to their theme.

I don't like to spoil the ends of comic book stories but I'll just say this: long, passionate kiss and a hand-job.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #12

The covers for this comic book have been terrible lately.

The Review!
This issue wasn't as bad as the ones that came before. It doesn't suffer as much from Lobdell's usually rambling, filling-space style of story telling. Can it be that Lobdell is better at tying up stories than creating new ones? That makes sense. What we have this issue is the revelation that everything that's been happening to the Heroes for Hire has been The Joker's Daughter's plan to finish off Jason Todd once and for all. Her plan is to let people vote on Roy's death to make Jason feel bad and to make people reading the comic go, "Oh, I get it. Because DC had people vote on Jason Todd's death." Since this is the final arc, I imagine the characters won't be dramatically changing motivations anymore, so I'm able to actually trust the story more. We've settled on Jason Todd declaring he manipulated Roy into being heroes rather than the other way around, a revelation I'm sure will not be explained more in the final issue. And The Joker's Daughter is crazy and evil and has always been so. So I guess I shouldn't mind that Red Hood unexpectedly shot her last issue before she even showed her evil hand. All she had shown up to that point is that she couldn't let go of The Joker's face! Maybe when Lobdell writes his Afterbirth version of Red Hood, somebody will tell him every month that he's writing the last story arc because the comic has been cancelled. Then maybe he'll focus and write more coherent stories!

The Commentary!
I keep thinking I need to somehow give Scott Lobdell a completely clean slate once Rebirth starts. But I don't know how I'm supposed to get past my bias generated over the last five years of reading his apathetic scripts. I think I might have to Roofie myself before reading the Afterbirth Red Hood. I wonder if my friend Doom Bunny still has any Rohypnol. Don't worry! He's not a creep! He was prescribed the drug while in Japan because he has sleep issues. I think if he had tried to bring any back, he could have been arrested for smuggling drugs. Hmm, that answers my question because Doom Bunny would never do anything that might get him in even the slightest bit of trouble. He once got caught stealing campaign signs from a neighbor's lawn while in high school and he vowed never to be in trouble again!

I don't want to have to drug myself to read Afterbirth Red Hood, so I'll just meditate on it for a bit and release all of my cynicism and penchant for being terrible into the universe before I read it. Maybe with a clear mind, I'll actually enjoy Scott Lobdell's writing! Although I think I'd actually need no mind for that to happen.

Currently, Arsenal is being held by Iron Rule who are asking the internet if he should be killed. Of course the internet is going to vote yes. Roy does know that most people on the internet hate him now, right? Thanks to his constant and obnoxious narration of his life. I believe Scott Lobdell thinks Roy is hilarious. He's not. And if anybody reading this thinks he's funny, you should fuck off right now. I don't need dopes reading my commentaries!

First off, he wasn't doing stand-up. He was just rambling. Second off, only hacks say things like, "I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your servers!" Thirdly, thirty-three thousand people is not "the entire internet." Fifthly, when did Tara Battleworth begin thinking Roy was charming?

Now, I said the entire internet would vote to kill Arsenal but that's wrong. Obviously he still has his brain-dead supporters who somehow can't see how horribly Lobdell has damaged his character over the last five years. So some people would still want him to live. But that's me speaking about a fictional character. I'd like to believe that if this were a real event in the real world, people would be voting like crazy to keep him alive. Because most people are kind and wouldn't want to be a part of murder, no matter how abstract. Of course a lot of people would still vote to kill him! That's because a lot of people on the internet (and by "a lot of people," I obviously mean "young males" and "older males" and "the rest of the males" and "all of my exes") are dickhole's dickholes. But I don't think there would be enough negative votes to outweigh the good votes. Although the biggest dicks are the ones that seem to have the most passion, so they'd probably create some kind of algorithm to vote to kill Roy about one hundred times every second.

While everybody in the DC Youniverse is casually voting to kill Roy Harper (which I don't think they would really do because how many of them have to endure his Narration Boxes? That's why I want to kill him!), Barbara Gordon stumbles upon the site and gasps, "Holy fuck! This isn't the porn I was searching for!"

Babs calls Roy while Roy jerks off to Duella being hauled off in a stretcher. That's good violence! Red Hood mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter have a lot in common which I've talked about in previous installments of this absurdity. He's trying to save her and all that because he got a second chance and everybody deserves one. But he mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter both chose to wear the Joker's old face. Why the fuck didn't Lobdell focus on that element throughout this whole Red Hood/Joker's Daughter thing? Now that's interesting! That's where the story lies. Not in this faux Jason Todd looking for redemption by bringing it about in others bullshit. Because that fucking crap hasn't been sincere at all, as proved by Todd finally giving up on her and shooting her. That Joker link is what this should have been about! This is why Lobdell is a poor writer. In his writing, he misses more opportunities than he takes advantage of. Mostly because he's busy writing superficial nonsense to just take up twenty more pages each month. He hasn't fucking committed to these characters in the whole time he's been at DC.

This is how I always answer the phone. It stymies telemarketers. And my mom.

I have to say, I can't remember when I thought this comic book looked this good. I'm digging the small panels laid out around a few bigger panels. It's reminiscent of Grendel when it was drawn by those brothers. I forget their names. Let me ask Lord Google. Oh yeah! The Pander Brothers!

The Joker's Daughter is rescued by Iron Rule on her way to the hospital. She's apparently their leader. It's a good thing Jason Todd shot her then, isn't it?!

Hmm, maybe you shouldn't blame Bruce for not being there to save you when you ran halfway around the world on your own. Maybe if you'd made better choices, you wouldn't have been beaten near to death and then blown up. Maybe, Jason Todd, you need to own your part in your own death and stop blaming Bruce.

Looking at that picture, I just realized The Joker has most of his teeth on the right side of his mouth!

The issue ends with Jason Todd finding one of Roy Harper's Genius Rockabilly gizmos that is going to save Roy's own life. It's not revealed what it is yet because Scott Lobdell probably hadn't decided by the time he handed in this script. I guess we'll find out next issue! The worst part about having to wait until next issue is the realization that I have to read another issue of this.