Monday, March 31, 2014

Justice League Dark #29

Touching the Sphincter of God.

I think this is the end of Forever Evil: Blight! And since that's what I think, I'm probably wrong. For all of my Master Comic Book Reading Skills, I still can't tell when a particular story is ending. Or when a comic book has been cancelled. Or why Scott Lobdell still has a job.

At the end of the (probable) penultimate installment, Constantine had just brained Felix Faust with his tallywacker. The day had yet to be saved though because all of the DC Magic Users were still trapped within the Thaumaton. And, um, that's where we begin. I guess.

Oh hey! Guess what! That thing that happened last issue? Forget it. It was different! Fucking comic books.

I would guess that this Constantine Doppelganger was actually Nick Necro but if Nick Necro can so easily replicate the trench coat, why is he trying so hard to get the one back from John? Hell, why doesn't he just go down to the local used clothing shop! I found an apparently valuable Burberry for $20 down at Buffalo Exchange! I thought I was just buying a shitty ass trench for a Philip K. Dick costume. But I liked it and wore it around all the time until people started informing me that it was expensive. It was only then that I realized Burberry was a thing and then I realized Agent Scully wears one. Now that impressed me!

The fake John that steals the power from Faust and dies giving it back to the DC Mages is one of John's little Psychisms, one of his inner demons. It escaped from The House of Mystery and found itself in an after-school special where it learned to love! And then it gave up its life to save Zatanna and the others. Just like Constantine would never do. Must suck when one of the shittiest aspects of your personality outshines you in front of the woman you love.

Zatanna: "That was so romantic! Why can't you be romantic like that, John?"
Constantine: "But Zee! I am! I mean, that was me! Just imagine how much love the real me has to give if my penchant for kicking puppies can learn to love so strongly!"
Zatanna: "Really? That's what that aspect was? You actually...enjoy kicking puppies?"
Constantine: "Of course not! I mean, not anymore, obviously."

Well, he could have said what I just had him say above this panel!

While Justice League Dark tries to have a bonding experience over the last remnant of Constantine's empathy dying on the floor, Trigon's sons decide to switch teams. Zatanna sighs, "What next?!" Then she leads the team into battle because nobody really liked listening to Constantine's orders anyway. It's just that he had such a cool house and they were kind of mesmerized by his accent. Also he had all those embarrassing secrets about them all hidden inside his little Room of Secrets in the House of Mystery. Does that mean the House of Secrets has a tiny little Room of Mystery in it? Probably but it's a secret.

Constantine throws a fit when he realizes how disappointed Zatanna was that he didn't actually die for her. I can see that. How the fuck do you win Zee's heart? If you die for her, she'll love you forever but what good is it? If you don't die for her, she resents you for not dying for her! That chick has some seriously backwards thinking!

Constantine probably isn't abandoning the Justice League Dark anyway. I mean, I wouldn't mind if he did! He's a loner at heart. He should be doing his own thing in his own comic book and leave the team stuff to other mages. Zatanna thinks he's doing what she thinks he does best: putting his own needs above everyone else's. But he's probably actually doing what he actually does best: a little misdirection! He'll probably come back and destroy the Thaumaton and kiss the girl. Although, seriously, I really do hope he's running out on them to pout and despise himself and go on believing he doesn't deserve friends over in his own comc book.

After John leaves, everything comes to a grinding halt. No fighting. No demons. No magic. No demons. No Constantine. No demons. Everything just comes to a grinding halt. Because the souls of Nanda Parbat have fed on Angel Wings and are ready to move the entire place to a dimension in a better neighborhood. So Zatanna risks everything because magic has risks or something and teleports them all away before Nanda Parbat disappears. And by all, I mean the main members of Justice League Dark and the Trinity of Sin and their buddies. I guess Blue Devil and Shade the Changing Man had to fend for themselves.

Although I'm not sure why John is there. Artistic error?

And so Forever Evil: Blight is over! I think. Did it just end? Really? That was it? Hmm, I guess that's what happens with these DC tie-ins. I think Geoff Johns wants all the surprise twist glory holes for himself. The story may not have really done much to change the landscape of the DC world, but it did finish Constantine's time with the Justice League Dark and his (totally phony, amirite?) love for Zatanna.

Fuck the House of Mystery! It's the more bullshit house anyway! Go get the House of Secrets, John! But you have to let Rain live there with you, okay?

Justice League Dark #29 Rating: +2 Ranking. It doesn't get any positive ranking points for how Forever Evil: Blight ended. I think if you look up anti-climactic in the dictionary, you get a free copy of this issue under the main definition which is my sexual prowess. The great part of this issue was Constantine leaving the team and completely ruining any romantic relationship between Zatanna and himself. Also, Zatanna leading the Justice League Dark from inside the House of Mystery just works so much better since she's always been a staple of the regular Justice League. I actually prefer a more super hero Justice League oriented Justice League Dark! This also should improve Constantine's comic now that he's back to being an unlovable loner.

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