Thursday, March 6, 2014

Justice League Dark #28

I'm still waiting for Etrigan to appear on a cover.

Blight was defeated last issue and the Thaumaton was defeated in the previous issue of The Blight crossover. So the magic guys have won, right? How many issues was this thing supposed to run? I remember it was a lot! I suppose after Forever Evil ends, the DC Universe is just going to slide right into the next huge crisis, right? Come on, Super Heroes! Get your universe under control already!

One thing that I forgot to mention because I forgot! Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and Cassandra Craft were teleported out of the Thaumaton before it blew up. Or before they thought it was going to blow up. Because by Page Three, I notice Constantine and Zatanna are still sealed into the contraption.

Constantine just looks bored.

I guess I called the destruction of the Thaumaton too early. Felix Faust and Nick Necro manage to stop it from overloading by sticking a spear in the side of Zauriel and riding him onwards toward salvation. After the device is stabliized, Felix Faust tears the wings off of Zauriel. Does that mean that somewhere a bell has been unrung?

Meanwhile I discover that John looks bored because he's in limbo talking with Zatanna. Hmm. That came out wrong. His body looks bored because his mind is not inside of it! It's in a place called The Between (Jesus Christ. After all the boring names things were called in Lois Lane #1, I have to get the same shit from Constantine?) and it is able to talk with Zatanna's mind there. I bet it can also do other things but they really don't have two minutes to spare. That wasn't a joke about how long Constantine can last. It was a joke about how quickly Zatanna can reach orgasm. "Etarbiv sirotilc!"

While they've got a moment alone, Constantine tells Zatanna that she's the only thing he cares about. Zatanna obviously doesn't want to hear that shit about how she's somehow responsible now for Constantine's happiness. Not only does she have to worry about saving the world, now she has to worry about whether or not she hurts John's feelings while doing it? Fuck that selfish prick! Sometimes your true feelings should remain hidden out of compassion for the other person's feelings. Although I guess that doesn't matter to John. I called him a selfish prick for a reason, didn't I? Hopefully at the end of this mess, Zatanna will just say, "Uoy t'nod yllaer evol em, Nhoj." And then he'll go back to only caring about gathering magic doodads to make himself more powerful. I mean, to maintain the balance of power to help keep the world safe *cough*bullshit*cough*.

Oh crap. Not this asshole again.

Nick tries to get John and Zee to remember how awesome the sex was when the three of them were together on a bed of Oreos. He also wants them to know that the Thaumaton actually serves a pure purpose. It was built to destroy whatever The Crime Syndicate fears, the thing that destroyed Earth Three. He and Faust are helping to save the world, not to destroy it! Although working for the Crime Syndicate kind of hurts his believability. Maybe the thing the Crime Syndicate are afraid of is a good cosmic creature that isn't coming to destroy the Earth but to destroy the Crime Syndicate themselves? Even if Nick is telling the truth, I wouldn't help him out because he's a boring asshole in a tie. The only way I could hate him more is if he were wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

I guess Constantine is a boring asshole in a tie as well. But he has the trench coat which makes him cooler! Even if it was Nick's coat to begin with. Oh! He also has the accent! That's why he's better. English accents always make things better. Except for Scouse accents. Unless they're backed by music!

Nick's feelings are hurt when he's rejected by John and Zee so he pretends that he was lying just to trap them into the Thaumaton's firing mechanism. But the single, solitary tear falling down his face and the way he runs spastically from the room to go stuff his face full of the never dying love of a giant cheese pizza betrays his true feelings.

"...can manifest such a deep and mighty hate." I've never felt as close to Felix Faust as I do right now!

And then this:

If I hadn't just gained a Master Comic Book Reader Level during my Lois Lane #1 commentary, I'd level up right now! If the cheese pizza had manifested, I'd have gone up two levels!

Lastly, The Phantom Stranger decides to hire a babysitter to help them save the world but The Spectre will not allow it. So it looks like The Stranger and The Spectre are going to have a debate in the next episode of Forever Evil: Blight.

Justice League Dark #28 Rating: No change. Ha ha! Nick Necro cried the cliché single tear of sadness! That has to be the lowest moment of his life! What a loser jerk! I've never cried the single tear of sadness! Fuck it man. When I loved someone that didn't love me back, I full out bawled in front of police and the girl I loved! And the cops had the nerve to think I was crying because they were hassling me! So I yelled, "I'm not crying because of YOU!" Luckily they didn't arrest me or I might have sat in the jail cell which probably would have prompted me to cry the single tear of sadness. Whew! Close one! Embarrassment narrowly avoided!

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