Batman #29

Riddle me this, Batman: What has more bones than a theater full of priests watching Oliver Twist and rhymes with Tossuary?

Last issue was apparently an advance copy of Batman Eternal #28, so let me try this again:

Last (regular) issue ended with The Riddler flooding his old lab to destroy all of the evidence of his next big crime. Drowning Batman was probably just an incidental mishap about which Edward probably feels really guilty. That means this issue will probably begin in Czechoslovakia in 1935 as a railway worker walks down the track shooting feral dogs with an old German pistol from the Great War.

You know, if I spent more time writing fictional stories based on the shit I come up with to poke fun at DC Comics, I might have an actual writing career! Bah, fuck writing careers! I'm no sellout! I'm punk rock, baby! If you redefine punk rock to mean a movement characterized by individual freedom and a lack of respect for established authority! Oh wait! I am punk rock!

Riddle me this, Batman: Why do people still think punk rock groups exist just because they borrow some of the same sounds and sing about sticking up their middle finger at the suburbs?

Batman's reaction to reading any article by a so-called music critic. How many different names are they going to come up with for musical genres?! Stop expressing how unique a band is by labeling them with as many pseudo-genres as possible! "Cryptic Toadstool is this year's triumphant blend of post-punk hillbilly death-camp psychotronic synthmonster butter-topped Otter pop."

Batman is off to answer The Riddler's Riddle that I've forgotten. I think it had something to do with the city's bowels and the city's immune system and the city's belly button. I think the city's belly button is Wayne Tower, so Batman is sending James Gordon there to pick out the lint.

Meanwhile Batman is heading off to deal with the immune system. I think.

Riddle me his, Batman: If a comic book company is going to self-censor "Goddamned," why don't they just replace it with Jeezly Crow? "It's the Jeezly Crow Batman!" I'm in!

Batman and Alfred just happen to have a conversation a few pages in which finally explain everything! Good thing because I suck at riddles! I mean, I'm so good at riddles that I always come up with too many answers that fit the parameters! So I'm so good at riddles that I suck at riddles! Whew. That was a close one! I almost admitted to being stupid!

Here's the gism of the story: The Riddler stole a bunch of hacking technology that will allow him to take control of the city. He's shoved it all into a weather balloon to float above the super storm where nobody will be able to get to it and shut it off. Nobody except The Jeezly Crow Batman!

Batman makes it to the weather balloon by jumping through the redesigned cover of Frank Miller's The Dark Knight only to find Mr. Bonerman already on board the weather balloon acting as sentry and/or bridge troll.

Riddle me this, Batman: When is an arid dell not an arid dell? When it's a red oracle quest chin!

Have you gotten a good look at yourself, Mr. Bonerman? Nobody is going to want to be saved by your work. Most people like being able to close their mouths without stabbing themselves in the eyeballs with their teeth.

Batman is as skeptical about Mr. Bonerman's work as I am. Call us judgmental, shallow bastards if you must. But it just doesn't seem like a serum that turns bone production on overdrive the way cancer does is a fix to any problem except the problem of not having bone cancer.

Batman loses his jammer over the side of the weather balloon which means he has no easy way to stop The Riddler's plan. Mr. Bonerman chooses that moment to be a sarcastic bitch which might possibly go down as the worst choice of his life. Even worse than injecting himself with Super Bone Cancer. You just don't mock the Jeezly Crow Batman when he's already feeling low.

Oh yeah, Mr. Bonerman! It looks like you've solved nature's problem with healing too slowly! "Hey mom! I've got a cut on my finger!" "Well, son! Try some of Mr. Bonerman's Patented Heal Qwik Product!" "Gee, thanks! I've always wanted my finger to grow five feet too long in a big, rickety bone mass of nastiness!"

Mr. Bonerman explains the opening scene in that issue where a lounge singer was singing Tokyo Moon to a soldier. It's a long winded explication of the song and his family's history and how it all ties in to Bruce Wayne and seems like a crazy thing to bring up during this battle. But the essential bit is that Mr. Bonerman believes the song is about looking up at a white circle of light in the sky and realizing nobody is going to actually help you. So, you see, that's exactly the opposite of what Batman's soon-to-be white circle in the sky means! It all makes sense now! Thanks, Mr. Bonerman!

Riddle me this, Batman: Why is everyone telling their Bruce Wayne stories to you?

The issue ends with Batman failing to stop The Riddler from taking control of the city. He destroys the retaining walls around Gotham Bay and floods the city. Bruce's parents get killed yet again in another flashback because they just can't get any peace. And little Bruce learns that he needs help. Although he's also learned that he can fight cannons with swords, so that'll help him out later in life.

Batman #29 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now we're back into the thick of it! And we get to see how wrong Mr. Bonerman was in his estimation of Bruce Wayne. Although we already knew that, really. Bruce Wayne looked like he fled the disaster that was Gotham but he was really going around the world seeking help from those that could make him the best protector of the downtrodden that he could be. Plus he always has Alfred to help him out. And Batman may seem like a lone wolf but he gets lots of help from lots of people! Unless the only person that really matters (besides Alfred which should have gone without saying but I'm saying it before other people point out that I didn't say it) is Lucius Fox and his ability to make wonderful toys. But now Batman is learning that he needs Gordon's help as well! So I guess I forgot about Gordon! He probably needs Dick too.