Saturday, March 8, 2014

The Flash #28

I've been saying Barry Allen desperately wants a man inside of him.

Last issue, The Flash was attacked by a ghost of a Gold Rush miner that was definitely a ghost and not an old white real estate speculator in a stupid mask. He had been investigating the Broome Hill Butcher case which the Central City Police believed they had solved years ago. It turns out they didn't. It also turns out investigating cold cases involves a lot more digging up of graves than I realized.

The issue begins with The Flash already possessed by Deadman. He must have arrived just in time to keep the 49er Ghost from possessing him itself. Or killing him. I don't know how it works when a ghost attacks you being that I've never been attacked by a ghost. Although I have seen movies that desperately want to be seen as portraying real life events of hauntings and possessions. I hate those movies. America is already full of gullible people believing in some kind of afterlife and now they think they have proof of the existence of ghosts because they've seen Paranormal Activity I-IV. You know, I saw Poltergeist as a kid and I didn't think it was based on a true story. Even if they had advertised it as such, I wouldn't have believed it! I mean, obviously the curse of the mummy is true. But ghosts? So silly!

The 49er Ghost hops aboard Barry and tries to push Deadman out of control. But The Flash is able to get enough of his own mind back to vibrate the spirits out of him. Maybe he should be an exorcist. Apparently you can make a lot of money as an exorcist! I saw it in the based on a true story movies! One was called The Last Exorcism so you figured, "Whoa! Okay! This is it! This'll probably be a big one!" And then a few years later, The Last Exorcism Part II came out! That really pissed me off because obviously the first movie should have been called The Penultimate Exorcism. I wrote a nasty letter demanding that my money be refunded since the whole basis of the movie was a huge lie and if it was a lie than it wasn't based on a true story, was it?! I didn't even see the movie but I got a refund anyway. Ha ha!

I bet you wish you'd thought twice about sticking that straw up that guy's ass now, Mr. Biker! Oh wait. He said "Fletcher." Never mind.

I wonder what this ghost has against people who make arrows? Why isn't he in Seattle going after Green Arrow? I'm all for his death even if his comic book has become more readable lately.

Apparently The Flash unwittingly unleashed (I hate that word but it's the one Deadman uses and I'd rather plagiarize than think up my own words since I only know the ones related to disgusting bodily functions) The Keystone Killer when he dug up the grave in the cemetery! The Keystone Killer is like the Jason Myers of Keystone City! Except he's only kind of like Michael Voorhees because he's exactly like the killer in My Bloody Valentine! I don't know his name though because I think he was just this miner with a broken heart, you know? Such a sad tale of violent murder and gruesome death.

Deadman and The Flash work out that The Keystone Killer's spirit was responsible for all the deaths attributed to the Broome Hill Butcher because he was just possessing different people. Maybe Barry's Dad can get free if he pretends he was also possessed by the Keystone Killer when he murdered Barry's mom! I bet the judge would allow a new trial based on that new evidence! They also realize that The Keystone Killer doesn't want to kill arrow makers but members of Keystone City's founding family: THE FLETCHERS! Oh no! I wonder if they're related to me? My grandmother on my dad's side's maiden name was Fletcher! Oh no! A ghost might be after me!

Before Deadman and The Flash head off to Iron Heights Prison to mystically interrogate the Broome Hill Butcher...

Really, Flash? That couldn't wait until people's lives were out of danger? I'm disgusted. And a little bit turned on. But mostly disgusted.

Deadman learns that The Keystone Killer's curse is practically just like The Mummy's Curse! So it's totally believable! And now all of the relatives of Marshall Fletcher (the man who killed the Keystone Killer when he was just Diamond Hunter Ulysses Sutter) are going to pay for Fletcher's past misdeeds! No wonder The Keystone Killer wanted to possess The Flash so badly. Fletcher must have hundreds of descendants and they'd all be dead by now if Flash had become the next Broome Hill Butcher! I bet Patty is a long lost relative of Marshall Fletcher and is in big danger now.

Actually, Patty probably wasn't in danger at all until she began accusing the Captain of knowing more about Barry's mother's murder. She also hints that he might be Barry's actual father and not just his father figure. I think I may have speculated on that a long time ago but I can't remember. I should reread my commentaries because I don't want to miss any chance where I can say, "See?! I totally guessed where this plot was headed!" Even if I guess every possibility. I'm like the jerk you hate watching football with who yells out "INTERCEPTION!" every time the opposing team's quarterback throws a pass. And then when he finally does throw an interception, he smugly looks around the room and says, "Called it."

As The Flash and Deadman search the Hall of Records for genealogical records of the Fletchers, they take some time to get to know each other.

Deadman just became very dangerous! Identity Crisis II: Where I Resist the Urge to Tack On Electric Boogaloo!

The Flash realizes that The Keystone Killer didn't want Barry for his speed but for his access to the police DNA database! So he and Deadman head back to police headquarters only to find Singh with a pickaxe in his hand, surrounded by dead bodies. He's mumbling "I swore I'd do it! I swore if I heard one more joke about my boyfriend choosing the name The Pied Piper that I'd murder you all!" And he did!

I don't know how Deadman knows Singh though!

The Flash #28 Rating: No change. I'm sure Singh did not murder anyone. This is obviously one of those cases where Singh walked into a room full of bloody corpses and picked up the pickaxe without realizing it might possibly be the murder weapon. The first panel of the next issue will probably show Singh smacking himself on the forehead and saying, "I should have had a V-8!"

No comments:

Post a Comment