Green Lantern Corps #29

John Stewart is terrible at Sudoku.

Welcome to another episode of "What the Fuck Did John Stewart Fucking Fuck Up This Fucking Time Starring John Stewart." I might be getting ahead of myself but John Stewart hasn't had a great history of not fucking up. Not that it's been his fault! He's just always given tasks where he has to make difficult decisions where somebody will wind up dying to protect the greater good. Maybe it's his name that's the problem? Sometimes, though, John decides to say "Fuck You!" to the greater good and he allows the majority to take a bullet in the butt cheek while he saves just one or two people. I guess it depends on his mood and how pissed off he currently is at the Guardians of the Universe. But they're gone now, so John's life is probably going to get a whole lot easier from here on out, starting with capturing Von Daggle, the Durlan Green Lantern.

Oh well. He fucked that up already.

Hopefully Iolande and Hwaal are having more success hunting down the kidnapped Green Lantern, Soranik. Having no leads, they resort to seeking out information in the local seedy bar because that's where protagonists always go when they need to find something. Bar of demons. Hive of scum and villainy. Nazi karaoke bar. But the Green Lanterns have to tread very carefully because most of the universe currently hates them and they don't want to piss off even more aliens.

Oh come on guys!

Well, I'm sure things are going better back on Mogo where a bunch of the new recruits are busy training with Arisia. At least nobody is going to die during training, right? Maybe I shouldn't ask that question! That's the kind of question that gets asked right before somebody dies during training.

Back on Muz, Von Daggle pretends to betray John Stewart as you saw in that previous panel that starred Von Daggle and John Stewart. He's probably just making a big scene so that the other Durlans will think he's with them and give him some Radioactive Shapeshifting Juice. After that, he'll turn on them and rejoin John Stewart. Otherwise why would he have made a deal with John to help find his old partner? But first John Stewart has to trick the Durlans' comrades into getting eaten by sand worms.

John has gotten so many friends killed in his day that it's water off his light construct duck's back killing enemies. Not that he'd ever be convicted of the murder of these morons eaten by sand worms but he's still responsible. He's the one that's going to have to sleep with Fatality every night with the deaths of these not-so-innocents on his conscious.

Does the Green Lantern Ring help with impotency? Um, I'm, uh, asking for a friend.

See? John's penis is hardly bothered at all by all the death the person it's attached to just caused. Also note how John knows Von Daggle was kidding around when he punched him just like I noticed! We're Notice The Same Thing Brothers!

Stewart and his crew catch up with Von Daggle as he regains his mojo. The Durlans are defeated and Von Daggle joins the group. Von Daggle mentions that Durlans can't wear Green Lantern Rings (I think the reason why was mentioned in a previous issue but I don't remember it), so how was he a Green Lantern? Is it because he had a Green Lantern Corpse Ring? What was the difference? Or was he just on the Green Lantern Payroll without actually being recruited as a soldier? Like the cooks and janitors and busboys that definitely aren't Durlans so stop being so suspicious of them back on Mogo.

A brief aside so I can close a notepad document I've had open and unsaved on my desktop for the last ten hours. I sometimes dream that I'm writing things but I'm never able to remember what I was writing upon waking. I remember that I was writing and, sometimes, the gist of what it was. Often I awake with the words of a story or essay in my head and I manage to write those down. But those are never things that my dream self is actually writing down on paper. But once I was able to remember! Once I was able to wake up and the page that my dream self had been writing upon, and the words upon that page, stood out in my mind clearly. I could still read them as the dream faded and I quickly committed the words to memory as I grabbed a pen and paper near my bed to jot down what my dream self had written. This is what I physically wrote down in a dream: "Still the water continued to boil and churn, so much that even if a million hives of bees had been sunk there, it would not have been enough."

Now I can close the document with that quote in it and open up my other document listing all the sectors of the Green Lanterns and the planets within them because this issue gives us a new sector to document, Sector 700 and the planet Corona Seven.

Actually, Sector 700 has already been mentioned! It's where the Durlans live. So my obsessive need to remember these things comes in handy! On Corona Seven, the Durlans have a prison where they're keeping Green Lanterns...and one of them is Hwaal! It looks like Durlans can wear rings after all! Shocker!

This is a spoiler.

Green Lantern Corps #29 Rating: No change. This would have been a good comic book that would have kept my interest nicely if I were just sitting down on the deck with a glass of Midori and enjoying my comics without writing these stupid synopses. But since I am writing this dumb blog, I have to judge the comic book on how many dick jokes it allows me to tell. This was a very low threshold dick joke comic book, so I can't suggest that people rush out and read it by those standards. Sorry, Van Jensen. You're going to have to have more panels of Green Lanterns in their underwear if I'm going to be truly impressed.