Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Pandora #9

According to Bioshock Infinite, being born again makes you a big fucking dickhole racist dirtbag piece of shit.

In the last episode of Forever Evil: The Blighted Years, Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and Cassandra Craft teamed up with Trigon's sons, Belial, Orcus, and Demogorgon. They are now on their way to destroy the Thaumaton which they probably won't do any time soon because the big evil person the Thaumaton was created to destroy won't be revealed until Forever Evil #7. I imagine. So we should just sit back and watch DC's magic users tread water for a few more weeks.

Also John Constantine was currently on his way to Hell while Nick Necro lay bleeding out on the floor beside the pit to Hell. And Swamp Thing was flipping the fuck out because "flipping the fuck out" and "Whoops!" are like my catch phrases and shit! I probably have more but who can remember them? It's actually easier to spit out new phrases than to remember phrases that I should constantly use. I was going to keep bringing back Batgirl's advice when she asked herself "Am I being a jerk right now?" but I never did that! Another stupid quote I wanted to keep coming back to was when Deathstroke said, "I don't know why but I feel a 'Your mom' joke coming on." I mean, that's A++ Gold Material, right?! I think that idiot Liefeld wrote that one but I wouldn't bet my masturbation time on it.

I don't think there's going to be much to talk about this issue. It's just going to be a decently written, issue long mystic battle in Nanda Parbat. Maybe that's a good thing! I should just embrace not needing to comment on every little thing in the comic book and just throw out some bullet points! It's not like this issue is going to advance the Forever Evil: Blight story line by anything but the most minutest of measurements! So let's hit the main points.

Constantine is saved by Zauriel before this Rhymer Demon can finish his quatrain with the word "fuck."

Black Orchid makes me think disgusting thoughts and ponder if IKEA sells Thaumatons for home use.

If that hairy demon in the above panel were wearing roller skates, I'd swear on my life I once saw him back in the 80s on James Gabbert's KOFY-TV 20 Dance Party.

The Swamp Thing becomes the gigantic mystery creature that Nick Necro saw attacking the Thaumaton in his earlier visions. I think. It might not matter because Faust blasts the Swamp Thing into mulch with his magnificent machine powered by 500 young boys and/or magic users. Faust also casts his final spell which gives him the power and knowledge of all the magic users in the DC Universe. Why would he save that as his last spell? That seems like a pretty useful bit of magic! I bet it's a last ditch spell because it ends with his head exploding.

Once again, Faust tries to convince the Mini-Justice League Dark that the Thaumaton was built to save the world and by trying to destroy it, they are allowing humankind to fall to whatever has followed the Crime Syndicate to New Earth. But fuck Faust! He's a hideous looking ghoul which means he must be lying! Only good looking people can be trusted to save the world!

Faust says some interesting stuff that I might want to remember some day, so I'll just leave it here.

So what is Pandora? If she's not human, is she fictional? If she's not from this universe, is she from the Preboot Universe? She was there at Flashpoint and witnessed the merging and changing of the Preboot worlds. Faust doesn't actually give anybody any new information here. This is really just a general reminder that Pandora is more than one of the Trinity of Sin; she's more than just a woman that brought The Seven Deadly Sins into the world. She's a key figure in the creation of The New 52 and I think her real part to play has barely been hinted at.

Faust begins to magically rebuild the Thaumaton while simultaneously re-enslaving all of his former captives. But Constantine whacks him on the back of the head with what I can only assume he calls a tally whacker, knocking Faust the fuck out.

See the title? Just like I said! An issue long battle! I think that's just enough experience points to raise my Comic Book Reader Level! You're now looking at a Master Comic Book Reader of the East Wind!

Pandora #9 Rating: No change. Next issue is the conclusion to Forever Evil: Blight! Also next week, the conclusion to Rogues Rebellion and Arkham War! The end of Forever Evil is in sight! Huzzah! For your information, I only say "Huzzah" ironically!

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