Swamp Thing #29

This is how I eat my salad: naked and on a plate. Yes, I meant I'm naked and on the plate, Grammar Deutsche Arbeiterpartei.

If you are not reading this comic book, you are not a good person. You are a creature of suspicious passions. If I saw you walking on the street, I would assume you were on the hunt for children's innocence. You are the person your parents warned you about. But I must say, since you're reading this, you still have a chance to be accepted by your betters. Rush out now and purchase Swamp Thing comic books! Do not rush too fast and maniacally, though, especially if you are carrying candy or you drive a panel van. Keep calm and collected and make sure to put on pants. Good people wear pants (or some similar covering that obscures the various disgusting orifices of the human body. You know the ones. The ones Mother scolded you for touching time and time again. The ones that made you warm at night as you meticulously and cautiously went about your business to keep the bed springs from squeaking too loudly. The Bad Orifices. I know you are familiar with them). If you do not have it in your heart to be good, that is okay too. I have a secret that I will share with you: you only have to look like you're a good person. We're all faking it. So if you want the others to stop regarding you with fear and suspicion, you should buy any comic book written by Charles Soule. It will make you look intelligent and we all know intelligent people never harm others.

I wonder if Charles Soule would hire me to be his press agent?

The Swamp Thing had recently become the Almighty Emperor of The Green (but why am I explaining that to you? Imagine that I have just winked at you. Not a creepy wink but a wink that says, "We share a confidence, you and I. We are siblings of secrecy."). He also brought forth from The Green Lady Weeds of the Magnificent Shrubs, Wolf of the Lover of Fine Things, and Brother Jonah of the Well Balanced Behind. Swamp Thing has also taken on the role of Bodyguard for Capucine of the Sanctuarium Folium Viride because she is hunted by Etrigan the Fan Favorite. Lastly, a religious sect (or army of masseuses) called The Sureen have promised to make Swamp Thing's every wish come true.

Hopefully Lade Weeds gets a spin-off monthly title.

Once again, Alec Holland is left standing around with his lettuce agape while everybody around him seems to know more than he does. Brother Jonah knows Capucine as it was he, as an Avatar of the Green, that first offered her Terrarium Chromium Flouride. Just like a thousand year old woman raised by religious zealots is wont to do, Capucine becomes emotional when she realizes who Brother Jonah is. Brother Jonah also knows the Sureen. They must have given him a few happy endings in his time. Now they are offering their services to Alec Holland although he seems to believe they're simply offering to do his dishes and file his taxes and maybe wash his car while wearing robes of gauzy white material.

This entire situation, taking place in a huge mansion just outside New Orleans, is beginning to feel a lot like an 80s teen exploitation film.

Brother Jonah is not disabusing me of my belief that The Sureen are purveyors of adult comforts.

Knot, the speaker for The Sureen, propositions Swamp Thing. He and the other Sureen have not taken part in something called The Spring Sacrament in a very long time and they are cramping from need. Knot describes it as "a gift" from The Avatar's body. Oh yeah. We all know what gift he's talking about, do we not? We are all adults here. Or should be. Shoo, you kids. Get out of here before you learn of things that you will be sorry you learned at such an early age when you are much older! Believe it or not but there will come a time when you will yearn for the years when you knew little of mature subjects. Perhaps I should take into account my younger readers? I have always just assumed that parents are keeping their children away from the vile filth that I spew across the internet. But perhaps I should take more responsibility for the innocence of the youth, our most precious resource? Forgive me a moment to indulge in an experimental bit of writing as I try to come up with a new style that will protect the young while boring the Holy Ghost out of any adults that try to read it.

Hey kids! It's time once more for Happy Silly Fun Time Plant Man! Can you say "Miracle-Gro"? I bet you can! Can you say it to your parents? Can you get them to buy some? Do you know what a "sponsor" is, children? No?! Well, do you like snack time? I bet you do! Well, imagine a world with no snack time! Oh! What a horrible world, right kids?! Without a sponosr, Uncle Tess's life is like having to lie down for a nap without getting any snacks before hand! Boo! Naps and no snacks?! That's not a world you'd like to live in, is it kids?! No way! So tell your mom and dad to buy "Miracle-Gro" next time you're out shopping with them! And what should you do if they refuse? What do you scream at the top of your lungs? That's right, kids! CUNT! Good job! We'll be back next week with more Happy Silly Fun Time Plant Man!

I really think I could make it as a children's television host! You know, if that job as Charles Soule's press agent falls through. Or Gail Simone's pedicurist. Or Scott Lobdell's conscience.

Swamp Thing grows some Juju Berries for The Sureen to munch on so that they can feel one with The Green. Eating berries isn't quite as sexy as what I had imagined. The Sureen seem ecstatic so the Berries must taste as good as they look. And they look fantastic!

It's possible that I have a fetish for cartoon food, stemming from my early years going out of my mind wanting to eat one of Yogi Bear's picnic basket sandwiches.

During the good time freak out, Swamp Thing notices that The Wolf and Lady Weeds are missing. He doesn't know that they've gone to hire a lawyer because Charles Soule really likes to write about lawyers. He also really seems to like writing about gigantic green people. I know he's a lawyer. So is he also a gigantic green person? Interesting!

Swamp Thing asks Brother Jonah and Capucine to hunt down the missing ex-Avatars while he looks for the Sureen's other boot so it can be dropped. The Parliament of Trees kept The Sureen secret for a reason. But they can't be too harmful or Brother Jonah, who knows all about them, would have warned Swamp Thing. I have a feeling it's all going to end in embarrassment and slight discomfort. Whatever The Sureen are, Brother Jonah seems to believe they're more helpful than not. I still think some plant on human sexual stuff is about to go down.

There it is. Purveyors of adult comforts! It's not often the disgusting conclusion I instantly jumped to is where the comic book writer was heading all along.

The first thing Swamp Thing thinks he'll do when he gets a human body is sleep. Sure, I get it. Sleep is awesome and all. And I'm sure he'll stuff the host body full of greasy french fries and Oreo cookies and banana milkshakes as well. But by the looks of eager anticipation on the face of each and every member of The Sureen, you can tell they're ready for some hardcore ass fucking, Swamp Thing style.

With a name like that, you still think this is about sleeping, Alec?

If I were Alec, I'd have chosen Stamen and then let Pistil have his way with my budding blossom. And possibly my root system as well.

Once Swamp Thing transfers his consciousness into Pistil, the other Sureen remove their disguises, pack The Swamp Thing's Avatar body into a body bag, and skedaddle. They also set his mansion on fire. You know, I'm beginning to think Alec got scammed.

Swamp Thing #29 Rating: +2 Ranking. As I said earlier, you are a bad person if you are not reading this comic book. Stop being so bad. And naughty. You naughty non-Swamp Thing reader, you. Oh, don't bat your eyes like that and stick your hand down my pants! I'm not going to forgive you that...oh, oh yeah. Okay. Fuck reading Swamp Thing. Just...yeah...yeah. Right there. Slowly. Okay. Okay. Mmmmmmm....