Nightwing #29

When did he fight a demon with a mechanical claw for a penis?

I don't have any time for all that small talk I usually do! I'm busy fucking drinking, okay? Here, just so you don't feel ignored. "How's the weather? Been good? Your mom still dream about sucking my cock?" Okay! Let's read Nightwing!

Oh! Quick recap! Nightwing's soon-to-be sidekick's parents were murdered by Zsasz which means she's now Nightwing's sidekick. I've decided she'll call herself Hummingbird! If she does, somebody owes me $10,000. I'm pretty sure that's the payout in Vegas for guessing the name of a sidekick before you're even entirely sure the character is going to become a sidekick.

Hummingbird purchased the Arkham City Nightwing Arsenal advertised on the back of the comic book and headed out to fight Zsasz herself. Fuck, I've never even liked Nightwing until The New 52 and I'm tempted to buy this shit!

Cue The Banana Splits Theme.

Hummingbird isn't quite as successful as Hit Girl. If Hit Girl's success was rated at 98%, Hummingbird probably comes in at nearly 1%. Nearly. At least she runs halfway across the room before she has the fuck slapped out of her. I'm sure she's not down yet though! Like a hummingbird, she's, um, fidgety? She'll get back up and dart around the room! And then when Zsasz least expects it, she'll jam her beak in the sugar hole!

Or she'll plan on Nightwing saving her. That's always a solid sidekick plan.

While Nightwing was on his way to save Hummingbird, he's been in some kind of an existentialist fog. It's a lot of whiny second guessing his decisions in life. Boo hoo! The only decision you should be second guessing is spending all of your money on Amusement Mile and forgetting to buy Joker Insurance.

After Nightwing saves Hummingbird and leaves Zsasz zip tied to the toilet, he goes up on a roof to tell Hummingbird his story. And that's what all the existentialist bullshit has been! He wasn't thinking it to himself. He's been telling it to Hummingbird all along! That's a trick writers use to trick their readers. You have to realize as a writer, you have an adverse relationship with your readers. You never want them thinking they know more than you or else they'll call you a shiteating hack. This trick is like pulling the bunny out of a hat. It's an old standby and it works well enough to tell a solid tale. I'm sure if I wasn't pounding back the sake, I'd have picked up on it and exposed it like an insert your own flasher metaphor here.

But getting back to the relationship between readers and Writers (with a capital "W"!), Writers hate readers. Readers are the enemy. Editors are just assholes Writers have to sometimes deal with but they mostly don't matter. They're dead weight in the story telling business. Readers are needed but they're hated. They always think they're smarter than the Writer. Even when they love a specific Writer, they're just standing by ready to call that Writer a sell-out if they write anything that becomes popular. Readers are assholes! They think they have a right to tell the Writer what to do! They think their pocketbooks are some kind of democratic vote and they often demand that they're going to stop supporting the Writer if the Writer veers from the readers expectations. I say fuck the reader! Especially the groupie reader. Stop it, genitalia! The brain is speaking here! Even without readers, a Writer is going to write! Do you think I expected anybody to be reading this shit? Fuck no! Do I care when somebody calls me out on a joke that's in poor taste or a poorly thought out opinion on a specific artist? Fuck no! You can't stop the signal!

Also, plagiarism is a fantastic tool at the Writer's disposal! And if anybody ever calls you on it, there's this other fabulous word to defend yourself: homage!

P.S. I love my readers! This was just an essay on theoretical possibilitums.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god...it has hummingbirds on it!

The chat Dick has with Jen is really touching although it probably wouldn't have made me tear up if I were sober.

And then Kyle Higgins finishes up his run with a nice batch of Dick Grayson thoughts that make me remember why Higgins caused me to like Nightwing so much in The New 52. It's brilliant. Seriously. Go spend $2.99 and find out what's so brilliant about Higgins final pages of Nightwing.

Nightwing #29 Rating: +3 Ranking. Loved this issue. There was so much to it that I didn't even touch on! This really can be considered a spoiler free review! Not because I was trying not to spoil! I was mostly trying not to spill. Mmmm, glug glug glug. Sake sake sake sake sake. Thanks for making me like Dick Grayson, Kyle Higgins! I'm going to go Drunk Tweet him now if he's on Twitter. Lastly, be on the lookout for Hummingbird! Remember to say "HOLY FUCK EEE! TESS ATE CHAI TEA WAS RIGHT!?" when she appears!