Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Forever Evil #6

Finch's cover art is getting worse every issue.

This issue begins with Lex Luthor pointing out how much he hates always being right. It's such a burden when everybody expects perfection from you and your decisions. Although that can sometimes be tough (believe me, I know!) the best part of always being right is standing in front of Batman complaining about how hard it is to always be right.

Lex Luthor: "You know, Batman, always being right has really caused my face to develop an extra batch of scribbly inked lines. Although the top of my bald head is still shiny like a woman's face which is really weird seeing as how there is no light overhead due to the rain and the storm clouds and the celestial object blocking the sun's rays."
Batman: "Luthor, shut up."
Lex Luthor: "You know, Batman, have you been getting enough Vitamin D? Your fish mouth is really looking exaggerated and I hear a little sun can do wonders for your complexion and your facial distortions. I know you're not getting enough right now due to the eclipse I previously mentioned but once everything is back to normal, you might want to consider patrolling during the day for awhile."
Batman: "Luthor. SHUT. UP."
Lex Luthor: "Not that it will matter if we can't defeat The Crime Syndicate. I say 'we' because if I were working alone, I'd mop these guys up easy. But having to account for you and all the mistakes you make, well, I just can't be sure we're going to win this one. It might have been better if you'd disappeared with the rest of the League, you know? Just so you'd be out of my way."
Batman: "LEX! ENOUGH!"

And then Batman probably kills Lex because there aren't any good guys left to witness Batman's hypocrisy.

While Luthor and Pals (guest starring Batman) sneak up on The Crime Syndicate's base (which used to be The Justice League's base until it fell out of the sky and landed in a nice piece of beach front property), The Crime Syndicate discuss what they're going to do about the great big rip in the sky. They believe it's The Anti-Monitor come to destroy yet another world. The theory is that it's locked on to Power Ring's ring, so they need to destroy it before it finds another host. Although they might be a little bit late on that. I don't really have a guess as to who the biggest coward in the DC Universe is, so I don't know where the ring is headed.

For a second there, I really thought the Legion of Doom had arrived. But then I didn't see Toyman amongst the villains and realized it was just Sinestro's stupid ring.

Luthor and Pals (guest starring Batman) infiltrate The Crime Syndicate's Headquarters and discover Dick Grayson strapped into an apparatus called The Murder Machine. I don't know what it does but it doesn't sound comforting. But forget the machine! Lex Luthor is the smartest guy on Earth, so he must know Batman is Bruce Wayne at this point! Maybe Lex is too preoccupied by how fat his power armor makes him look. He looks worse than Batwing (David Zavimbe version).

Luthor and Pals (guest starring Batman (am I really going to keep typing that? (Yes. Yes I am))) don't just find Nightwing. They stumble upon The Outsider and The Prisoner as well.

Since Batman knowingly decided to team up with these guys, Batman is partially responsible for this murder!

Sinestro's ring points out that Firestorm lies below which seems at odds with what's going on over in Justice League of America where Firestorm is on a ship moving about the country. But then Justice League of America has just been one gigantic mind fuck, pumping and thrusting and coming all over the inside of Martian Manhunter's head. I don't know what's really going on over in that thing although the cover for the current issue shows super heroes flying all over the place and Firestorm finally ejaculating them out of his Slash Fiction Matrix. Anyway, I trust Sinestro's power ring more than I trust Matt Kindt and whatever the fuck is going on in JLA right now.

And then the Crime Syndicate smash through a wall and the brawl to end it all with a final curtain call makes me LOL. No it doesn't. I mean, it kind of does because it's David Finch's art and it makes me giggle because it is crap.

Black Manta and Captain Cold are about to find out who The Prisoner is. Black Adam and Ultraman fly off for a rematch. Deathstroke and Sinestro face off against Deathstorm and Superwoman. Johnny Quick and Atomica rush off to find other people to fight (probably Cold and Manta). Owlman slinks off to rescue Nightwing who is currently being rescued by Luthor, Bizarro, Catwoman, and Batman.

I give up trying to figure out how Doomsday fits into the Reboot Timeline.

Captain Cold removes the hood from The Prisoner and reveals that it's Terry Long, Troia's husband. Maybe. It could be Roy Harper. Or Dick Grayson. Or Arthur Curry. I know it's a man because there are lines all over his face, a clear David Finch indicator of gender. It's probably Lex Luthor though because he's got so much hair and he's opposite of New Earth's Lex Luthor who doesn't have any hair. Anywhere. Before The Prisoner can speak, Atomica and Johnny Quick appear to keep his secret for another issue. Or at least a few more pages.

The Murder Machine that Dick Grayson has been stuffed into is also a bomb. It will detonate unless Dick's heart is stopped so Lex Luthor decides it's time to kill Dick. Batman and Catwoman are opposed to this idea but what can they do? They agreed to be part of Luthor and Pals this issue. So I think Dick's going to have to die. Because it's not like Batman is going to stand up against Bizarro, right?

I said Batman and Bizarro! Although I guess this works too. Let me restate my introductory sentence for this panel: "It's not like Johnny Quick is going to stand up to Captain Cold!" Also, Batman has a kryptonite ring so if he kind of does go toe to toe against Bizarro, no problem.

Captain Cold must be a scientific genius if he could create a gun out of refrigerator parts that can drop the temperature of an object to Absolute Zero. Especially since he wouldn't have had access to anything but normal refrigerant gases. He must know magic because I can't buy into science on this one, even if Captain Cold is my boy. I am glad to see him fuck up the evil speedster though. I was hoping he'd get that chance.

And then The Prisoner finally reveals who he really is now that he's got his voice back: Captain Levram! He yells, "Mazahs!", and lightning transforms him into The Mighty Marvel! Er, Levram! He also decides to tell everyone his real name, Alexander Luthor, because why the fuck not? He's going to kill them all anyway!

Meanwhile Luthor has killed Dick Grayson so that the bomb doesn't go off. But as Batman tries to choke him to death, Luthor attempts to point out to Batman that he knows what he's doing. A little CPR and everything will be okay again. Geez, Batman, it's exactly the type of plan you should have come up with. Kill Dick, bomb disarmed, bring Dick back around. What a fucking Bat-idiot.

Forever Evil #6 Rating: Am I still rating this thing? It's still going on?! At least a couple members of The Crime Syndicate have already been killed. This series went one issue too long. After finishing this issue, I wanted it to finally be over. The characters have been weakly portrayed because they're busy serving the plot and filling needed roles. So Batman isn't quite acting like Batman and Lex Luthor isn't quite acting like Lex Luthor and Deathstroke certainly isn't acting like Deathstroke. I don't mind that kind of thing here and there but I guess after six months (plus The Trinity War's two or three months), I've had about enough of this.


  1. This series has been disappointing as Hell.I want to put an extra stamp on everything you've said but for what, nothing could help this generic piece of crap story anyway. After Aquaman 23.1 I thought this was going to be something epic or ground breaking, but instead it was just another Geoff John pay day at our expense. And half ass drawings from David Finch.

    1. The off-shoot miniseries have been the best part of Forever Evil. And maybe Justice League which has ignored the Justice League completely to tell mostly Crime Syndicate Origin Stories and the return of the Metal Men.

      Forever Evil itself has been mostly lackluster after a beginning that had me excited for its potential. The art by Finch, like always, sucks ass. I don't know why anybody likes him. I suppose when he's drawing fourteen year old girls, he takes his time and does well.

      The Rogues story has been fun and, surprisingly, Steve Trevor's ARGUS is well put together and has kept me interested.

      JLA is awful. Suicide Squad is bland. The Blight has had some terrific moments but also a few issues that are obviously filler. I guess that's to be expected when it's trying to pace a seven issue Forever Evil across twenty or so issues in three different comics.