Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Moon Knight #1

"M-O-O-N! That spells Moon Knight!"

I have never read a Moon Knight comic. I don't believe I've ever read a comic book that featured Moon Knight. My only experience with Moon Knight is Moon Roach, Dave Sim's parody of the character in Cerebus. But he's a character that has intrigued me because he's crazy. At least I hear he's crazy. Isn't that what he is? Anyway, I didn't actually pick this up because I couldn't wait to finally bust my Moon Knight cherry all over my clean bedsheets. I picked it up because Warren Ellis's name is on the cover. Also because I was forced to buy this copy after having my way with it in the back of the comic book shop due to seeing Warren Ellis's name on it.

Since I have nothing to say about Moon Knight that isn't rampant speculation as to whether he's more moon or knight, I'll just recount Moon Knight's Secret Origin for this series as told to me by the first page of the comic book: "Mecenary Marc Spector died in Egypt, under a statue of the ancient deity Khonshu [So the statue crushed him or he just died at its feet? Also, was his first name "Mercenary" or was that his occupation?!]. He returned to life in the shadow of the moon god, and wore his aspect to fight crime for his own redemption. He went completely insane, and disappeared. [Then there's a paragraph break here.] This is what happened next."

I really wanted that last sentence to end in an exclamation point. I was super excited as I was reading that last sentence and then I felt embarrassed when it ended in a period, like I'd brought more to this comic book than it was ready to give.

Marvel Comic Book: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, Hoss. I ain't responsible for your future happiness, you know? I was just stating a fact. A short declarative sentence. And now that you've imbued the moment with your own desperate need to live vicariously through me, you expect me to deliver something I wasn't prepared to give. I don't need this kind of pressure."
Marvel Comic Book: "You know what should calm your ass down? How about some adverts, bitch? I'm gonna shove 'em right down your throat, over and over and over again! That'll wear your excited ass down to more acceptable levels, won't it? Jesus, I'm going to give you so many advertisements you're going to begin wondering why this comic book isn't free and on a small stand just inside the door of your local convenience store. I'm going to have so many ads, you're going to wonder why you haven't found any good deals on boats by the end of this."

Moon Knight has Dissociative Identity Disorder. He's going to be called crazy a lot by characters in this comic book and by me. If you have DID, please read this while in your least easily offended personality.

Moon Knight is known as Mr. Knight by Detective Flint and the other New York police. I know they're NYPD because this is a Marvel comic book and Marvel only has one city in their universe and that city is New York. Mr. Knight is not known as Moon Knight because if he were Moon Knight, the police would have to use excessive force on him. And that wouldn't look very good in the papers the next day. "NYPD BRUTALIZE MENTALLY ILL BUSINESS GHOST."

He's not wearing a phosphorescent suit!

Mister Knight (M-O-O-N! That spells Mister!) is helping Detective Flint to track down a slasher that's been killing big, tough guys. Mister Knight has a special knack for checking out a crime scene and knowing exactly what happened. Maybe the moon tells him since the slasher kills at night. Maybe he's just got the same gift as that detective from the most horrible movie ever that consistently winds up on people's lists as their favorite movie: Boondock Saints. Holy shit that movie is awful, people. Stop liking it unironically. Fuck, stop liking it ironically! No, wait. Forget I said anything. Knowing that movie is their favorite movie is an easy way to judge somebody as a person I have no interest in getting to know.

And then I reach the big foldout advertisement for more Marvel comic books and realize I have to add another one to my pull list: Doop by Peter Milligan. This is really getting out of hand!

Moon Knight's investigations take him deep under the city where he finds an old Agent of SHIELD that was blown up by an IUD while on shore leave. He's been killing physically fit people and taking pieces of them to fix himself up. And we all know which piece is his favorite piece to take, right?! I bet his penis is now sixteen penises long. He'll show those terrorists that life after an IUD is still livable! Plus the next time his penis sets off an explosive IUD, his body will be at a safe distance, sixteen penis lengths away.

RED! The color of crazy men! WHITE! The color of crazy men! RED! The color that makes me see red! WHITE! The color that might not be a color!

Moon Knight kills this hero because Moon Knight has no respect for people who served our country even if it was as an agent of a clandestine government agency that will do anything to advance its own agenda while pretending to seemingly serve the people of America. Also the guy tried to shoot Moon Knight in the face, so what could he do, you know?

The issue ends with a flashback to Moon Knight's return to New York where a psychiatrist (or something. He calls her "Doctor") tells him that he isn't insane. Instead, and this is the good news, he's suffered brain damage after having been resurrected by an Outerterrestrial entity causing him to cycle through aspects of the Moon God, Khonshu. She finishes by telling him his brain has been colonized by an ancient consciousness from beyond space-time. It's those last few revelations that make me doubt that this "doctor" is actually a psychiatrist!

Darn. I guess Moon Knight isn't technically crazy now. He's just got a bit of Space Madness. Or suffering from a slight bout of Cosmic Possession. I'm sure all of this will still make for an interesting series since what, really, is the difference between crazy and the crazy diagnosis the "doctor" gave him? Hell, the doctor might just be a figment of his insane mind.

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