New Guardians #29

I bet Kyle Rayner comes rainbows.

This comic book is a good example of how DC had no fucking idea what they were doing when they began The New 52. I enjoyed it early on because of all the different colored characters! It was bright and eye catching! But I had to do a lot of work to make the story understandable and I don't like having to bring my brain along with me when I read comic books. I want the Narration Boxing to tell me everything I need to know! I miss the old days when a panel would show Lois Lane driving off of a cliff and the omniscient narrator would tell the reader that Lois Lane was driving off of a cliff and, as Lois Lane was seen driving off of the cliff, she would be thinking, "Oh no! I'm driving off of a cliff!" Just so the reader wouldn't miss the fact that she was driving off of a cliff.

Where was I? Oh yeah! DC didn't know what they were doing! Right. Okay. So The New Guardians were apparently going to be one representative from each Light Corps. I don't know what they were going to do once they completed their initial investigation of the Ring Thief and how they were going to form a group called the New Guardians, but that's okay because DC didn't know either! Luckily DC blundered their way into a different way to explain the title: The Bohemian Guardians! What if Relic released some unknown Guardians from their forever prison and let them loose in a universe that they could barely comprehend? They would be the new guardians of the title and nobody would have to wonder why the fuck a comic book that was essentially about one comic book artist was called New Guardians! I hate analogies but here's my analogy of the situation: it's like DC went to take a huge dump but instead shat out a big, bloody tumor that was killing them, thus saving their own lives! Ta da!

Currently in this comic book, some Hero (I don't use that word lightly like most Americans that call any jerk that couldn't cope with making decisions in their life so they joined up with the military to have somebody else tell them what to do a hero! Oh come on! You know you've had the same thought! Don't judge me because I voice unpopular but accurate opinions! I'm a Hero!) is going about the universe killing Gods and freeing the subjugated masses. Most of those masses don't even realize they're subjugated because who cares what rules you have to follow and how much money you have to give to people that say shit you want to hear if you get to live forever in paradise after you die? If I knew I could live in eternal bliss as some kind of ethereal being after shedding this disgusting meat-shell, I'd easily go about not doing certain things and being overly proud of myself for things I wasn't doing. Look at me! I'm going to be rewarded because I'm exerting so much effort not doing stuff! Sure, I guess I could also do compassionate stuff like help the needy and sick and crap. But what do the needy and sick and crap care when they can just not fuck out of wedlock and not blaspheme God and not worship their Mrs. Butterworth bottles and then just die and be happy? Wouldn't my care and compassion to help extend their lives just be keeping them from paradise? What kind of a dick does that?!

Although, seriously, do I really think I could stop masturbating in exchange for a forever-life after I die? I'm not so sure! Although I'm fairly certain God doesn't have any rules against masturbation. Sure, Jesus says something about lusting in your heart is practically adultery. But I can still masturbate without lusting after anybody! I can just remember that dream I had where I fucked the vampire as I held her down for the sun to burn her to ash. That was a fictional creature! You can't actually lust after a fictional creature! And that story about Onan spilling his seed? Go fucking read that shit again, Christians. It's not about masturbating at all. Don't fucking listen to whatever the so-called expert priests say. Read it yourself. Use your reading comprehension! That story is about Onan being punished for breaking a vow to his father and not about being punished for coming all over the bushes. He is given his brother's wife after his brother dies so that he can make babies with her. But when he pulls out while fucking her, he's breaking the deal. He's fucking his brother's wife outside the context of the contract that gave him the right to fuck her! And God don't like that contract breaking bullshit.

To sum up, God thinks masturbation is okay. But if you really believe that your ancestors are still alive as ghosts and angels and can look down on you at any moment, do you really think masturbation is a good idea? Stop watching me, Grandma! Gross! I should sell Angel-Sight-Proof Blankets that allow people to masturbate and have sex under without the fear of Grandpa watching.

I think all Gods should be naked. What the fuck do they need clothing for anyway? Well, sure. Jesus needed clothing. But then he was trying to pass, so that's understandable.

The issue begins with Kaland'r telling her story about how she came to be full of faith in the god X'hal. Even though she misuses the term "faith" over and over. Faith has nothing to do with a god appearing in front of you, healing the sick and dead in front of your eyes, and turning your desert world into a lush paradise as you watch. That's knowledge based on experiential evidence! It's easy to say you have faith that the sun will rise because that's not fucking faith! Actually, it's hard to say that because you'd have to swallow your pride and not care that you're completely changing the definition of a word and muddying the waters of communication! But if you want to be one of those people that declares faith and observation are the same thing, go right ahead! Nobody's stopping you! You're free to do whatever you want! Just like I'm free to call you a fucking asshole.

When X'hal appears to Kyle and Carol, they don't instantly believe she's a god because they've seen plenty of super powered freaks in their lives. This is probably just another gamma-irradiated scientist that was caught up in an experiment gone wrong. No reason to jump to conclusions. Carol and Kyle are flying around the galaxy with six beings that have godlike powers but nobody thinks of as gods. They're all equal in this lot.

See? Suitably unimpressed.

X'hal is pleased with Kyle's non-subservience. She also points out that the Bohemian Guardians are themselves gods. Good thing they don't think of themselves as gods (not like those other Guardians that Sinestro taught a final lesson to) or else that Hero I was talking about earlier might have a shiv or two for them. X'hal points out that the Guardians changed the universe to their liking which could be seen as maybe a second or third definition of a god. Although the Bohemian Guardians had nothing to do with that crap! That was the other jerks over their in that pile of dead jerks. I suppose the Bohemian Guardians, having lived billions of years, may have been like the other Guardians at some point. I don't really remember when they were locked away. But since they all have various strange fashions, my guess is they all took the job of Prison Warden at differing times across the cosmic eons. So some of them might be more guilty of being a god than others.

X'hal wants to transform this world into a paradise but Kyle and Carol need to know that what she offers is real and not some kind of religious hokum. So Kaland'r takes it upon herself to convince Kyle that X'hal can make this world better. For realsies and not just for appearancies! According to the cover, she's going to fuck him until he believes.

Before Kyle can be seduced, the Hero of the story arrives: Freebie Freeman the Godkiller. I guess that was enough talk! Let the punching begin!

Well, maybe a little more talking first.

Freebie Freeman, First of the Free, tells X'hal who he is and how he knows her. He tells her origin story to the people who would listen. She was mortal but was transformed into a god by a race of people called The Makers. They were probably Guardians! They turned her into the powerful and angry creature she is today. She doesn't seem angry but that's because she hasn't currently been triggered. If The Makers were to make an appearance, she would flip the fuck out and destroy the world of Kalosa. That's what happened on Freebie Freeman's world. And that's how he became free from religion and belief and toiling for some arrogant, mortal bastard that lucked out on the god power lottery. And now he's here for revenge!

Finally! It only took twenty pages for all these assholes to shut up and stab something!

New Guardians #29 Rating: +3 Ranking. This is apparently the Green Lantern Comic Book where philosophical and ethical decisions are discussed. The main Green Lantern title with Hal Jordan is where rash and violent decisions are made. The Green Lantern Corps starring John Stewart is where hard sacrifices and their repercussions take place. Red Lanterns is where catharsis happens. And after the emotional experiences have left you drained, Larfleeze is where you go to stuff a cupcake in your mouth and leisurely sniff your toe jam. Pretty soon I'll have to figure out why the fuck the Sinestro comic book was needed! Hopefully for orgasms!