Monday, March 10, 2014

Batman Loves Superman's Annual #1

Steel doesn't look like he's enjoying this brutal beating too much.

I hope Batman and Superman finally consummate their relationship in this Annual. The fans have waited long enough. Time for Superman to drop those drawers, bend over, and accept the Batpenis.

We may be in luck! The issue begins with one of them French sexual positions.

Too bad it's just Mongul's French fantasy of Frenchiness. He's dreaming of this potential three way while Batman and Superman watch via the visual monitor Superman set up to spy on his prisoners in The Phantom Zone. Batman takes Superman to task for not giving Mongul a proper trial and Superman takes Batman to task for taking him to task. This causes Batman to take Superman to task for taking him to task for taking Superman to task. What happens next is a true shocker! Superman winds up taking Batman to task for taking Superman to task for taking Batman to task for taking Superman to task! But it doesn't end there! This pattern goes on for fifty or sixty years until Batman dies of old age and Superman dances on his grave.

Of course Batman is one of those assholes that insists on playing Devil's Advocate for everybody's own good.

Hey, you fucking Devil's Advocate sons of bitches! Not everybody needs you to challenge their beliefs just to make sure they've thought them through! You're being an insulting dick by assuming that you're the only one that considers anything. Knock it the fuck off, you asshole. Nobody likes you. Nobody.

Pretty soon, Mongul's son Jokey arrives with Warworld to avenge his father and punish the Earth. He encounters Superman first and asks if he's the one that defeated his father. Superman tugs at his collar, swallows hard, and says, "Well, not the only one! That Bat guy is to blame too! If you really need to destroy something to feel better, may I suggest Gotham City? Don't tell anybody I said this but it really is a pit."

Instead of grabbing Jokey by the throat and throwing him out of the solar system, Superman says, "You have two minutes to leave." Jokey checks his watch and says, "Earth minutes or Warworldian Computational Bitpoints?" Unless what Jokey actually says is, "Let's not fight on Earth because, unlike you, I don't want to hurt any humans or damage any of your buildings. But I would like to kick that Batguy's ass as well. So why don't you guys pack a lunch and meet me on Warworld tomorrow. Bring some family members along. We'll make a day of dealing death." Superman readily agrees for everyone because fuck that asshole Batman and his Batfamily and their stupid desires.

Superman and Batman are not killers. No matter what their opponent is up to, they always try to figure out a way to stop them without ending their lives. Sure, maybe Batman gets a little out of hand sometimes and nearly kills them. And maybe Superman doesn't have a problem locking them away in The Phantom Zone for eternity without a fair trial. But at least they're not breaking the letter of their ethical law! They never actually stop a heartbeat! They're pure as the driven snow and shit! Except now that they're facing Jokey, Son of Mongul, Inheritor of Warworld, they're beginning to equivocate. Superman chooses Supergirl but kind of makes sure that Wonder Woman is around so that Wonder Woman can tell Supergirl to kill if she needs to because Superman won't. And Batman heads off to bring along Red Hood because he knows Red Hood will kill if he needs to and Batman might decide to look the other way this time. So good job, Greg Pak! You really know how to make these characters shine!

Superman's second choice is Steel and Batman's second choice is Batgirl. So maybe they're second choices are actually to keep their first choices in line. That way if their first choices actually do kill Jokey, Son of Mongul, they can blame their second choices for failing to control their first choices and thus blame the killing on everybody else.

Why you gotta make Batman look like a naive jerk, Greg Pak? Batman didn't lose Jason Todd because he didn't realize the danger they were constantly in! Batman lost Jason Todd precisely because fucking Jason Todd didn't listen to Batman's warnings like this one! What a dick.

Krypto arrives to remind everybody that good things still happen, like Superboy dying. So they all buck up, ignore the fact that Superman points out how most of them are going to die on this mission but he's not going to physically stop them from coming along anyway, and head to Warworld.

And so everyone arrives at Warworld feeling slightly more Rocaforty than before. Things go a bit sideways once on board Warworld because they're having elections for the leader of Warworld and Jokey, Son of Mongul, doesn't have time to kill Batman and Superman now. Instead, Jokey teams up with Batman and Red Hood to fight for leadership of Warworld. And since Batman and Red Hood are mere humans, Supergirl decides she, Kal, and Krypto should also form a team to fight to lead Warworld. Which is probably why they're all battling on the cover.

Meanwhile, Steel and Batgirl have infiltrated Warworld's computer server room and are getting busy with a little high tech sabotage.

Surprising nobody, The Bat-Family winds up facing the Super-Family in the final round. The only problem is that the final round is a fight to the death. I'm sure they'll think of something. Although Greg Pak has already killed them in the previous Toymaker story arc, so maybe he'll do it again. Death comes easy to these heroes because it never really sticks.

Luckily Jokey, Son of Mongul, is allowed to kill. And he chooses to kill the judges of the competition. Hmm. Why don't they do this during the Superbowl? Take out the refs early and anything goes!

Chaos erupts because how can anybody ever be leader of a world where to become leader you just kill the current leader? Everybody on Warworld wants to be leader so they just keep killing each other. Superman and the others escape as Warworld plummets to the Earth with everyone on board massacring each other. Superman gently guides it into The Phantom Zone because that's becoming a really nasty habit. It's like sweeping dirt under a rug because there's a dimensional rift under the rug. Does Superman figure he can deal with all of his problems this way? And when Jokey is killed by Mongul inside The Phantom Zone, is Superman not just a little bit responsible for that? Superman even knew that Jokey was, at the end, a reasonably good guy and he still decides to confine him to an eternal prison filled with madmen and murderers.

Batman Loves Superman's Annual #1 Rating: At this point, I suspect Superman really is a threat to Humankind. If he's just going to start packing everybody he thinks is evil into The Phantom Zone on his own say so, then he's become the despotic madman that Batman has always feared. He is the dictator that does whatever he thinks is right to secure he peace. He's become Darth Vader!

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