Thursday, March 20, 2014

Justice League of America #13

Pool's closed! Everybody out of the Slash Fiction Matrix!

How long have they been deep, deep inside of Firestorm? Superman's hair went all long and sexy! Also, what is that pose he's doing? I think he either has a Chest Burster inside of him or he's so full of Green Lantern Jizz that he's about to shit himself.

I'm not a biologist so I don't know if that last sentence was scientifically accurate or not. Does eating loads and loads of hard-light tainted semen cause diarrhea? I don't know! You know how difficult it is to find that stuff?

I wonder if Gatorade would put out a Hard-Light Tainted Semen Flavor? They've got the right colors for it.

Stargirl has finally made it to Los Angeles where she's going to be able to hug her mother one last time before the world ends. She left Martian Manhunter to die in the mountains of Colorado where his body will probably be discovered by a hiker later in the spring and defiled. The Justice League of America have not made an appearance in about twelve issues so I'm not sure why this comic book is called Justice League of America. I don't even think they'll be saved this issue because isn't Steve Trevor going to accomplish that over in ARGUS? Or is he suddenly too busy dealing with Doctor Light?

The issue begins with Stargirl finally figuring out that what she thinks has been happening for the last feels like millions of issues has only been a mind-scam. Hey! That sounds like a great name for a movie! I'm going to write a script for Mind-Scam and then travel back to 1983 where it would sound like a great idea!

I invented the cereal Cthuloops long before somebody on the internet made them. Fred Meyer used to have a generic cereal brand with a monstrous octopus on the bag and I called that cereal Cthuloops. I probably should have bought a bag but I think they only came in 25 pound sacks.

You can tell Stargirl is still an amateur because she has to explain her burn on the next page. So we get what the fuck she's saying in that last panel because she was just thinking about Despero and she watched him kill J'onn last issue and the issue before that was when she first met him. So we get it! Despero! Despair-O's. But then the next page, she has to tell Despero, "Despair-O's" as if he (and we!) didn't already know what she was thinking! She needs to work on streamlining her one-liners (the key word there is "one." Oh, and also "line.").

Apparently Despero feeds on fear and he's supping on Stargirl right now. But she has a plan! Her plan is to read his mind and learn his coming of age story! And then she'll be all, "Oh yeah! You think you're going to defeat me by discovering masturbation in the tub! What you don't know is I can hear the rhythmic splashing from downstairs and I know what you're up to, you filthy boy!" And then Despero will be all, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and fall down on his knees in submission.

That's not cool. You can really give somebody a complex by judging their bodily behaviors.

Stargirl next compares this battle with Sudoku. No wonder I'm finding this comic book so fucking boring. Sudoku is bullshit, people. Stop wasting your time! It's not an intellectual exercise! It's barely a puzzle! It's mind numbing mind numbery using numbers and no mind! It's worse than Solitaire! No, you know what. It's worse than religion! Yes, I said it. I'd rather hang out with a Fundamentalist Mormon Scientologist with a PHD in The People of the Book before I hang out with someone who "loves to do" Sudoku. At least the religious people live interesting lives! When I ask "So what did you do today?", I don't want to hear, "I put a bunch of numbers in a grid by using a few starter numbers that would predetermine how I could figure out the only way the numbers could be placed so that no two appeared in the same district or same row. And even though the grid was started for me in a logical way, I still had to guess a lot and erased right through the page in a number of places which really made my spine creep out! You know how that is?" Then I wouldn't answer because I'd have already choked on my own fist.

If you're really into Sudoku, might I encourage you to try heroin? It's probably more stimulating and better for you. Don't be fooled into thinking Sudoku takes brains to do and is a thoughtful exercise! You're just being led about on a leash by the computer that mathematically created the Sudoku grid you're currently playing, placing just the right amount of numbers in the grid that will allow you to find the one or two or three places (depending on the difficulty) where you can get a foothold into the grid logically which will lead you to the next logical point and the next and the next. It's like doing a maze with invisible walls. You don't think you're being led down a certain path but you are. Sure, if you like easier Sudokus, you actually have more paths. But if you play the hardest difficulties, you generally have one path for a large portion of the game before it opens up into a field of possibilities. But by then, you're basically done and just need to thoughtlessly plug in numbers. Afterward, you feel a grand sense of self-satisfaction and contentment. The same feeling a dog has once he's returned home from a long walk and let off the leash.

The best thing--the absolute best thing--you can say about Sudoku is that it's a form of meditation which allows the player to shut out the chaos of the world around them, turning off their brain and placing themselves in a childlike reverie. Maybe that's why I hate Sudoku so much. I'm already constantly in that state of mind!

Forever Evil: The Sudoku

Don't bitch at me because I just drew one district of the grid! Don't use that as a way to say I don't understand the stupid waste of time! I just don't have time to waste drawing all nine grids! Sudoku jerks!

Now don't go getting your Sudoku loving feelings all butthurt! So what if I don't like the game and I irrationally judge anybody that plays it? I don't like most things and irrationally judge anybody that engages in most of those things! Even the things I like, I often wind up ranting against and hurting my own feelings! So welcome to the club, Sudokuns. Sudumbkins, more like!

Stargirl eventually out-Sudokus Despero and finds herself inside Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix where the dick-in-ass play has long since ceased. This is causing the Slash Fiction Matrix to meltdown and something needs to happen fast.

Well, the answer is you are going to have to do something and that something is something one of you isn't going to want to do, it's just that I can't remember which half of Firestorm was gay: Ronnie or Jason?

Stargirl convinces Ronnie and Jason to fuck in some clever way that would appeal to the greatest number of Slash Fiction Fans. I don't know what that would be because I don't even know how guys and girls participate in coitus so I'd really just be guessing at how guys and guys do it! Do they slap each other on the butts and say, "Did you see the game?" No wait. If that's gay sex then I've seen tons of it, right in public spaces! Maybe they pee in the same toilet bowl until each one gets an erection and is unable to pee. Then they touch wieners until their toes curl. I bet the butt is involved somehow too though!

Anyway, Stargirl keeps Firestorm from exploding and calls all the other heroes to join her because she's going to free them. But she doesn't know that Steve Trevor is actually going to free them later, so she imagines Batman and Catwoman are also still trapped with her. That's how everybody reading knows this is still all bullshit.

Stargirl begins to realize it as well so she decides to finish remembering the memory she kept forgetting to remember that she had forgotten she'd forgot long ago.

"But first, you need sponsors! Your brother's funeral--which, by the way, totally not your fault *wink*--is going to be expensive!"

Stargirl wakes up in the same place this entire thing began right before she thought she escaped. She's just been in a prison tailor-made for her by Despero just like all the other heroes. But she and Manhunter are now free and they need to find Wonder Woman to help them escape. But Despero planted some kind of subconscious thought in Manhunter so that might crop up and become a problem later. At least next issue, we should have the normal Justice League of America back.

Justice League of America #13 Rating: No change. This has been the best issue in a long time. But it still needs to get back to being its own book. Although how long will that last, really? Can the Justice League stay out of huge company-wide crossovers? Probably not.

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