Justice League #28

How many only hopes is humanity going to have during this Forever Evil nonsense? The Metal Men! Lex Luthor! Batman! Stargirl! Warden Agatha! Probably others!

I remember Platinum of the Preboot Metal Men was always trying to fuck Superman but he never took her up on her offer. I think she would have been a good choice for a Kryptonian. Not like a human woman could survive his lovemaking. I call it lovemaking rather than sex because he was raised by Ma and Pa Kent and he probably only ever uses that one position that many people find the only acceptable position. You know the one? The one that no fucking other animal in the world uses. I guess only man fucks face to face because that's how God fucks. There might be other animals that fuck face to face but I don't know about them. Probably some fucked up weird looking marsupial or something.

I got distracted thinking about Platinum and Superman fucking! I was originally going to wonder why none of the other Metal Men flirted with anybody. At least I don't remember them doing so. I think they all had huge crushes on Platinum so they didn't even bother checking out Lois Lane's tight body. Or maybe Jimmy Olsen's, if we're talking about Tin and Mercury. Although Lead might be a bear. And Gold is a bit of a fop. Hmm. I suppose all the other Metal Men could be gay. It would make sense since Magnus designed the Responsometers and Doc Magnus himself is homosexual. I forget what comic book I read that in. I think it was Really Gay Mad Scientists Quarterly Especially Starring Doctor Will Magnus.

Victor Stone has leapt a long way to ask Doc Magnus to let his Metal Men come out and play. But Doc Magnus has grounded his Metal Men for some mysterious reason which he's going to tell Victor in a long-winded, probably sixteen to twenty page story that will keep this comic book from getting too wrapped up in the Forever Evil plot for another month.

Because they want to fuck us?

It seems Doc Magnus's main problem with the world is the unreliability of people which is why he went into robotics. That's one of my main problems with the world too! But instead of going into robotics, I went into hiding. Instead of inventing the Responsometer so that robots will follow their programming without question, I invented a look that would keep people in public from talking to me. My look works pretty well but I think Magnus's Responsometers are not going to work as he intended. He wants robots he can control, not robots that try to get Superman to show them his dick.

The Metal Men all take relatively familiar shapes and then Platinum tells Doc Magnus he looks cute. Oh yeah! She was also in love with Will, wasn't she? Kind of a creepy incest vibe going on there, hunh?

I think you're mostly good for cooking pies, Tin old buddy. I'm also surprised you weren't just updated to aluminum. Who uses tin anymore?!

Gold is arrogant and the self-proclaimed leader. Tin seems to be in love with Gold. Mercury is a wannabe rabble-rouser. Platinum is sweet and ready to do Will's bedding. Lead is a bit slow and possibly a total moron probably because lead can cause brain damage. And Iron is a macho turd. All in all, a fine team! Doc Magnus should be proud. But instead he's just annoyed because they're unreliable and annoying and not any different from humans at all.

Yep. Big dumb lummox. Although now I want to watch him fuck the soda machine. I bet she's a squirter.

Eventually the military reveals a hugely shocking shocker of a shock: they want to use the Metal Men to kill some military targets. The Metal Men aren't into killing (although I think Mercury wouldn't mind but the targets would probably have to be his choosing) so they escape. They decide to hide out in Will's apartment which he'll discover later. But first some jerko comes along and steals Will's prototype Responsometer and throws it in a vat of Hazardous Waste. That will probably become a problem in a page or two.

And it is a problem in about that many pages! The Responsometer creature looks like Chemo. So the guy that stole the Responsometer must be Doctor Ramsey Norton. Or not. Anyway, Doc Magnus realizes The Metal Men won't follow orders but that doesn't mean they're not following his programming. He sees that in dealing with the threat, they follow a series of rules. First, save whoever they can. Second, neutralize the threat. Third, have sex with humans. Fourth, deny having sex with humans. Fifth, sacrifice themselves to defeat Chemo.

I bet he constantly shoves them up his ass so now he's afraid to give them voices again.

Cyborg convinces Magnus that The Metal Men would want to be out there saving the world and sacrificing their lives instead of clanking against each other inside Will's colon. He finally agrees and is ready to give The Metal Men life again so they can fight alongside Cyborg.

Justice League #28 Rating: +3 Ranking. Lead is my favorite. The only question I have is when did Platinum have time to attend Justice League tryouts months ago just before Trinity War began?