Arkham War #6

Hey White Rabbit! Nobody liked your character! Stop making cameos in all these Forever Evil titles! The only reason you exist is because David Finch is a horrible artist that needed a nearly naked young woman to draw so that he could remain interested in doing art for Batman: The Dark Knight.

I'm still not done savaging David Finch's art! He draws men as if they've been working 80 hour weeks in a coal mine for twenty years. And in the same panel with the supposedly same lighting, he draws women of the same age as the beat-up looking men but makes them look shiny and smooth skinned and no older looking than fourteen years of age. He draws men with wide, gaping fish mouths while putting perfect, detailed touches to the underage women he loves to draw. I don't know what slander is so this next sentence is purely innocent of the law and not meant to harm anybody's reputation but here it goes anyway. David Finch has something seriously wrong with his penis. I know, I know. It's quite the claim to make after having simply read his horrible stories and looked at his awful art. But I think his penis might be cursed. He can only draw well when it's erect and straining to see over the waistband of his jockey shorts. So while he's drawing Batman, it just remains flaccid and still like a cat lounging in a nice spot of sunlight spilling through slightly opened drapes. But when he begins thinking about fourteen year old girls, his penis leaps to attention and strains to fuck the image he's producing. The magic leaps from the urethra, spraying magic drawing juice all over the page to produce images like this one:

So what if I photoshopped this image a bit! It doesn't change my argument! I mean, it might make my argument look weaker in the future court of law which I may be finding myself in. But look how much effort he put into this image of a great big bare ass and barely covered boobs! Also interesting: the bullets bouncing off the shield generated by White Rabbit's ass cheeks.

Actually, the photoshop work I put into the above picture merely changed the coloring back to what it probably was supposed to be. Look at the hem of the shorts. I didn't touch that. But the pink of the shorts extended further down her butt. I just took that out and returned her ass to the proper color. So I think my version of this picture is probably closer to David Finch's original idea for it. You know, before that traitorous colorist kowtowed to the damn editors.

This issue begins with Bane pulling Court of Owl knives out of his body and trying to heal his wounds with an arc welder while the Talons that he and William Cobb recently cut in two are busy healing themselves back together (hopefully all of their upper torsos were matched up with the proper sets of lower torsos). Bane thinks he has a moment to clear his head but he's in for a bit of a surprise when the Venomized Looney Tunes come crashing down on Blackgate to ruin his big victory.

Venom doesn't just make a person strong; it also makes them sound like complete assholes.

I think Peter J. Tomasi was completely sick of having to come up with emotionally draining dialogue between Batman and Alfred and Dick and Damian and decided, "Fuck this shit! I want to write a comic where I can make the characters shout nonsense! Why should Lobdell and Nocenti be the only writers getting away with murder?!"

But Tomasi, having some dignity, couldn't quite commit to completely inane bullshit, so he allows Black Mask to retain some semblance of intelligence when he speaks. Tomasi probably would have lost some sleep trying to cash a check earned with lines like "HEAD CHEESE!" and "OINK OINK OINK!" and "PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS!" and "TALON TASTY TREAT!" and "ROASTED PORK!"

Bane tries to quell the invasion but is a bit stymied when he sees the Arkhamites are all venomized. Will he have a sudden realization that if these idiots can suddenly become as strong as he is that he's nowhere close to being competition to The Batman? Batman's power is all natural. His will and his strength and his intelligence all come through rigorous training and discipline while Bane can only compete by taking a shortcut with a needle? No, of course not. Bane is a megalomaniac. He might see the Arkhamites as cheating because they're using his gimmick but he'd never see using Venom on himself as a bullshit tactic. He probably sees it as a weakness and flaw in Batman's character that Batman doesn't take up the syringe and make himself a better man. I think there's an applicable analogy in there somewhere in regards to capitalism and big corporations and asshole lawyers and dirty practices. Jesus would be able to ferret it out and create a nice parable. Although the disciples wouldn't understand because they were all idiots so he'd wind up just explaining it anyway.

Bane is kidnapped by Man-Bat and flown to Arkham where the other inmates meet up with him to teach him a lesson.

I don't think I want to hear the second since the first one is a delusional lie. Venom is absolutely all it takes to become like Bane! Unless he was talking about the luchador mask.

A big brawl commences where Bane talks a lot of shit. Probably because he has a right to since he defeats the entire lot of Arkhamites. But his victory doesn't last for long. It can't because this series is over in just a few pages! Unless it goes to issue seven unlike all the other Forever Evil offshoots. Plus The Penguin arrives to stamp some kind of an epilogue and maybe a moral of some kind on this war.

The Penguin doesn't have anything intelligent to say, so I expect this series is going for at least another issue. The Penguin just takes all of the defeated Arkham Inmates away in cells. All except The Scarecrow who is left to be used as an example by Bane. You know. He'll probably tie him up like a scarecrow to frighten away all of the little rebellious assholes that might try to steal a piece of Bane's cash crop of Gotham City.

I suppose this series needs to make it past the end of Forever Evil so Batman can finally turn his attention back to his home town and hiss, "Bane!" And Bane will scream "EEEEP!" and run back to Santa Prisca.

Arkham War #6 Rating: No change. Just a bunch of musclebound oafs knocking the crap out of each other. You could get the same entertainment by watching wrestling or going to a frat party, depending on how much homo-eroticism you're looking for. If you want a super ton lot of it, might I suggest the frat party?