Monday, March 3, 2014

New Guardians #28

What a romantic getaway.

Hopefully Carol Ferris does not get relegated to the role of love interest in this comic book. Why can't these two just be buddies? Last issue hinted that there was more than friendship between these two which Kyle was, thankfully, ignoring. Carol Ferris is a Star Sapphire, an emissary for love, so she should know better than to begin a romantic relationship with a coworker. Why is it whenever an ongoing series has a male and a female lead, the writers inevitably have them fall in love. I'm glad Chris Carter declared Fox Mulder and Dana Scully would never be romantically entwined when he created the show. Although that still crept in around the edges in the later seasons (the ones that don't really count) and the final movie. But that relationship was just weird anyway because they were metaphorically one brain. So getting involved with each other was more like masturbation than intercourse.

My favorite song on any of the X-Files soundtracks or pseudo-soundtracks is More Than This by The Cure. I think it's the perfect interpretation of the ephemeral romantic relationship that actually did exist between Scully and Mulder across the entire run of the show. If I were to make a musical playlist called Songs That Make Me Weep Like A Prison Bitch, Part I, that song would be right in there along with Spanish Doll by Poe and I Will by Brandi Carlisle.

This issue beings with Justin Jordan reworking either "The Lottery" or Hunger Games, whichever you'd rather compare it to, depending on how fiercely you are against Young Adult Fiction that really kind of disappoints with the final book of the trilogy versus how much you hate short stories which were basically written on the backbone of one simple, violent twist. And since one of his previous stories was a reinterpretation of "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas" (which I'd never read but was pointed out to me by King Beauregard), it seems Jordan has thrown his hands up into the air and decided to embrace the idea that there are no more original thoughts (just like I did at three years old!). Of course this is just the first page, so I'll probably notice the story is like a whole bunch of other stories as I get further along. Or maybe Jordan is planning to subvert the other stories and he's relying on our knowledge of this type of story to throw us off the scent.

Fucking Maza. You failure.

Maza is carted off to be given as a sacrifice to their god, a bald, orange bastard named Marast that has somehow convinced these people that he can only continue to provide them with bountiful fall line-ups if he can pop open the occasional worshipers head in the middle of the dreary, winter seasons. But today's sacrifice doesn't go as planned. The Rock Drawing goes off without a hitch. But when little Maza the Failure steps up to have his head popped, some asshole with a spear comes rocketing into the ceremony to give Marast the God a taste of his own religion.

After this guy kills their god, he suggests that Maza and his people kill the fucking priests next.

I don't know who this guy is but he's a hero! I can't wait until he comes to Earth and then just passes it right by since our gods are all big phony non-existent nobodies. I might be jumping to conclusions here but I have a feeling this guy is going to cross paths with Kyle Rayner! And I bet Rayner doesn't take kindly to this guy going around killing gods, no matter how many people this guy is freeing from religious bondage.

Speaking of Kyle, he's currently learning that there are seven Bohemian Guardians but one of them named Quaros has run off to explore the universe on his own. Qauros's main goal is to find some really cool shit to bring to Cosmic Antiques Roadshow. The others are Palko with the steampunk goggles, Zalla the matriarch with long white and green hair, Gurion the one that likes to gamble, and the other three that aren't mentioned during this conversation. I think one of the other ones was called Yekop. I remember that because it was Pokey backwards.

The Bohemian Guardians have brought Kyle and Carol to Kalosa to observe a religious sect called The Light and The Fire as they try to convert this planet's indigenous population. They've apparently used this religion to take over several other planets, bringing peace and prosperity to those planets. Currently the rich and the poor are at war on Kalosa. Kyle and Carol try to stop a skirmish by joining in with their rings but a representative of The Light and The Fire calls a stop to the fighting and everybody listens because who wouldn't stop a battle if a barefoot bald woman in a sheet stepped into the middle of it and said, "Stop this." She totally wouldn't get shot in the face at all.

Rule #1 of Creating a Successful Religion: Tell the people they will be rewarded if they abide the hardship of their current life. I don't actually know if that is Rule #1. I'm sure there are lots of things that could be Rule #1. So this is Rule Number X of Many.

The Light and The Fire see themselves as nonviolent revolutionaries that believe in equality and fraternity and liberty. Sister Kala (the bald woman) doesn't believe in fighting but she believes in defending herself. And that's easy because she has super powers. I think she also defends people that believe in The Light and The Fire. But if you don't believe, she can't help you because you're a cynical jerk that probably needs some kind of scientific veracity to prove that Sister Kala's god exists and can provide for everyone. Although judging by the way this comic book began, I don't think Sister Kala's god is going to be around for very long.

Starfire is going to be super sad when this god dies.

The god killing hero from the beginning, Freeman, First of the Free, gets a message from one of his compatriots that they have found The Destroyer of Worlds. So Freeman tells him to gather all the Godkillers together so that they can end the Destroyer of Worlds arrogant plan to bring peace and prosperity to those that believe in her. Good show, Godkillers!

New Guardians #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. I like where this story is headed! Down with X'hal!

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